Man Rules

[Sun Tzu]

So I'm hanging out with in-laws yesterday, and this 10 year old kid walks in while I'm watching the Raiders/Cards game on TV. He claims to be crazy about football, and yadda yadda yadda. The first thing he asks when he walks in the room is:

"Who's playing?"

To which I answered "Who does it look like is playing?"

He followed that up with...

"What's the score?"

To which I replied "What does it say the score is?"

I spent the next few minutes teaching him what questions are, and are not acceptable, specifically as it pertains to walking into a room in which a sporting event is on TV. Those two questions are what you expect a woman (assuming she isn't a fan) to ask who is trying to show some interest. A man should quickly survey the game on the TV, and then follow up with an insightful comment about a player/coach/team involved in the game, OR, ask "did you see ZYX get crushed by XYZ?" He seemed to get it, and we continued talking in a classic male-bonding moment. So, sure I may come off as a prick at the beginning, but the cold hard fact is that you need someone to teach you this stuff at some point, and obviously the kids father (his dad wasn't there, and according to the rest of my family he isn't the greatest dad to begin with) was falling short in this department.

That got me to thinking about other unwritten man rules exist out there. Things that you just don't do, or don't say. We're not talking about "never sleep with your best friends girl" or anything like that. This is more subtle stuff...and I think there's a lot of them.

[Desnudo]

Even if you know the answer, never answer a question if it requires admitting that you've seen a movie or tv show that would make you look silly. Corollary rule with pop music.

[johnnyshaka]

Never occupy the middle urinal...ever.

[RainMaker]

[sabotai]

The answers for D and E are wrong. In those situations, you use a stall.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by Sun Tzu

"What's the score?"

To which I replied "What does it say the score is?"

That question would have been appropriate about 15 years ago, when they didn't always have the score on the screen. You actually had to wait for the announcers to say the score or wait for it to pop up on the screen.

Other man answers:
Do you drive a stick shift? - I drive a manual.
Will you carry my purse? - No.
Who was that lady you were with the other night? - What lady?
How long have you had these droids? - These aren't the droids you're looking for.
What kind of wine coolers do you like? - I hate wine coolers.
Where did you get that scar? - I saved a little kid from a pit bull.
Wasn't that dangerous? - Yes.

[johnnyshaka]

Also, any youngster needs to be told about Chuck Norris and all of his worldly powers.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Originally Posted by Sun Tzu

"Who's playing?"

To which I answered "Who does it look like is playing?"

He followed that up with...

"What's the score?"

To which I replied "What does it say the score is?"

I spent the next few minutes teaching him what questions are, and are not acceptable, specifically as it pertains to walking into a room in which a sporting event is on TV. Those two questions are what you expect a woman (assuming she isn't a fan) to ask who is trying to show some interest.

I would add that these questions would be asked by a woman or by a Steelers fan. In my experience of living in the Pittsburgh area, many (not all) Steelers fans seems to think that the NFL consists of only six teams:

1. Steelers
2. Browns
3. Ravens
4. Bengals
5. Cowboys
6. Whoever's playing against the Steelers this week

This is how I imagine a conversation between me and a Steelers fan during a Rams-Seahawks game:

Steelers fan: "Who's playing?"
Me: "Who does it look like is playing?"
Steelers fan: "Ravens and Jaguars? But aren't the Jaguars playing the Steelers this week?"
Me: "They're the Rams and Seahawks, dumbass."
Steelers fan: "Who?"
Me: "You know, the Rams... the team Jerome Bettis started his career with...?"
Steelers fan: "The Notre Dame Rams?"
Me: "They moved from Los Angeles..."
Steelers fan: "Are you mistaking them for the Dodgers?"
Me: "OK, remember the Seahawks? Your team beat them in the Super Bowl a few years ago?"
Steelers fan: "SIX RINGS! SIX RINGS! SIX RINGS!"
Me: "Fuck you."

[sabotai]

My scars don't have any interesting stories, so I think I'll use that pit bull one for now on.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by sabotai

My scars don't have any interesting stories, so I think I'll use that pit bull one for now on.

Feel free to use it and change it up anyway you see fit.

[Ksyrup]

It's like it's built-in for women, too. My 11-year old daughter is constantly asking questions during games and pissing me off. I just can't deal with it. And she still can't grasp the concept of a dropped pass being different than a fumble, so every time a pass hits a guy's hands and falls to the ground, she asks if it's a fumble and did the other team recover.

The worst part is she and her younger sister enjoy watching me play NCAA11 for some reason, so I have to answer many of these same question WHILE PLAYING THE DAMN GAME!

[Sun Tzu]

Maybe you're doing a crappy job of explaining the difference between an incomplete pass and a fumble, home-home-homeboy.

[Sun Tzu]

Oh, and thankfully, I don't know any Steelers fans other than people on here, and I wouldn't be able to name them anyway. I just know that Lathum loves Brandon Jacobs, and Jbergey has a 24/7 hardon for Brett Favre.

[sabotai]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

Feel free to use it and change it up anyway you see fit.

It was a pack of rabid pit bulls!! And those pussies still only managed a few scars on my hands!

EDIT: No, wait, if they broke skin I'd have rabies....that story is full of plot holes! Ok, just a pack of normal pit bulls.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by sabotai

It was a pack of rabid pit bulls!! And those pussies still only managed a few scars on my hands!

EDIT: No, wait, if they broke skin I'd have rabies....that story is full of plot holes! Ok, just a pack of normal pit bulls.

Remember, keep it simple. You can say, "they looked rabid", but, I wouldn't take it beyond that though.

[Autumn]

Originally Posted by sabotai

It was a pack of rabid pit bulls!! And those pussies still only managed a few scars on my hands!

EDIT: No, wait, if they broke skin I'd have rabies....that story is full of plot holes! Ok, just a pack of normal pit bulls.

Hey, so you had to have some rabies treatments. Just more scars, man.

[ntndeacon]

psh, what you need to go to the doctor for. Just grin and bear it. Like a real man. It's what Chuck Norris would do.

[Desnudo]

Originally Posted by sabotai

It was a pack of rabid pit bulls!! And those pussies still only managed a few scars on my hands!

EDIT: No, wait, if they broke skin I'd have rabies....that story is full of plot holes! Ok, just a pack of normal pit bulls.

You should throw in a motorcycle too

[boberot]

Never, under any circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.

[PilotMan]

I break the urinal rule all the time just to fuck with people.

[cuervo72]

Shouldn't these be laws?

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

I break the urinal rule all the time just to fuck with people.

I kinda do the opposite. Well, opposite in a way. I tend to find no one using the urinals. So I choose the urinal that will give the next guy the most difficult choice, and see how he deals with it. Yeah, I get some sort of perverse enjoyment from these others having to ponder what to do.

For instance, a common setup I find is when there are three urinals. One is a kiddie (the lower one) on the left, and then two normal ones. Well, I'll choose the big urinal on the right, and see if the next guy will choose the big urinal next to me (the "gay" move but adult urinal) or will use the kiddie urinal (not gay, but not manly, he's using the kiddie urinal). If I really want to screw with someone, I'll choose the middle option in that scenario and see if they choose the stall option instead.