What do you say to a friend who is dying?

[Glengoyne]

I just got a call an hour or so ago from a friend, and apparently another friend of ours has only a short time to live. He is a retired football coach, I met him through one of his former players, and he has been a friend ever since. At first I'd see him and his family once a month or so at least, but in recent years its slowed to a few times a year. So we're not real close. A couple of years ago he got sick. Some disease that I can't ever remember the name of. He said at that time that only a few years ago it was a death sentence, most only lived a few months after being diagnosed, but that now people were living two or three years. Well his time is just about up.

I'm planning to go visit him tomorrow, his wife said "Why don't you come tomorrow?" I haven't seen him since our fantasy football draft day. He was real thin, and getting around in a wheel chair. We had a good talk, but he was depressed. His son hoped that football season would cheer him up. I intended to visit during the season, but never made it. I'm a crappy friend.

In any case...I'm sitting here thinking "What are we going to talk about?" Part of me wants to skip out and leave two of my other friends on their own, but I don't think I'll do that. One worry I have is that lately it seems that I cry like a twelve year old girl at just about any sentimental moment(like now), and don't even talk to me about funerals. So that is something I'm bothered by.


I'm just venting now. I guess I'm gonna try and talk about the Good old days. I'm just not looking forward to it.

[NoMyths]

Here's how you do it: just remember that this visit isn't about you in any way, shape, or form. It's his story. So instead of focusing too much on your reactions, spend that energy on him.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Just be yourself. Don't go too far overboard... He knows where he's at and knows that you're probably a bit uncomfortable. Then tell him how you feel about him. If you enjoyed being his friend, tell him. We don't always have the opportunity to tell people how we feel about them before they're gone.

[Lathum]

Just treat him the way you would want to be treated in that situation.

[Toddzilla]

I can only relate as a parent who lost a child (my daughter Cassandra died this past April, she was 18 months old). I can only urge you in the strongest possible terms to go and see your friend. Don't worry about how you'll react, if you'll cry, etc. because the tryuly important thing is that you went. The fact that it is going to be so hard for you only makes it that much more special - your friend will see how much he means to you and you don't want to miss this last opportunity.

When Cassie died, we got a real close-up view of who our friends were, and more importantly who were not our friends.

Be a true friend and stop by. You will thank yourself for it.

[Raiders Army]

Originally Posted by Glengoyne

I guess I'm gonna try and talk about the Good old days.

That's probably the best you can do. Reminisce over the good times and try to take his mind off his problems for a while. Talking about those times will also leave you and him with good memories as opposed to how he is now.

[sachmo71]

Originally Posted by Lathum

Just treat him the way you would want to be treated in that situation.

I concur. Also, be a man. If you feel like crying, cry. Just be real, maybe ask if there is anything you can do for him.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Talk about everything you would normally talk about. Judging from his profession, NFL football playoffs, the bowl games, etc. would be a good start. He thinks about his situation all the time and I'm thinking that's the last thing he really wants to talk about. If he feels the need to start a more serious discussion regarding his situation, he'll do it. Don't let his physical impression take away from the fact that he's still the exact same person and treating him as a person and nothing more is the best way to do it.

[SnDvls]

Originally Posted by Glengoyne

I intended to visit during the season, but never made it. I'm a crappy friend.

this doesn't make you a crappy friend...it just means other things in life sometimes get in the way.

The fact that you are going to see him means you care and he knows that I'm sure. Just talk about fun stuff. If he leads the conversation towards him passing on then you can go there too, but right now he's enjoying what time he has left. Don't act phoney is all, be real, but be caring like you probally normally are towards a friend. If you feel like crying, cry. It will mean that much more to you and him if you are true to youself and your feelings.

Good luck and may you, your friend and his loved ones be in all of our thoughts and prayers.

[Vinatieri for Prez]

Humor. It works for both of you.

[Young Drachma]

I've got an ex girlfriend who came down with cancer less than a year after we broke up. I feel the same way, in that, I never know what to talk to her about. She's not going through treatments yet, but will be fairly soon. She wants me to visit, but the subtext is that she's not over the whole breakup. She's expected to recover, but it's still fairly early to tell for her.

I can't really be normal, because she's not particularly interested in hearing about what I'm doing these days, short of the basics.

Not only do I want nothing to do with that sort of thing, I have a new girlfriend. Not the same situation, but..I can relate to the whole "what am I supposed to say?"

[Glengoyne]

Well Thanks all for the advice. I felt even before I posted here, that I was going to go. There are just some things you need to do even if they make you feel uncomfortable. I had to go as much for me as for him and his family.

Two of my friends and I went to visit Dennis tonight. He was really weak. We got to spend a few minutes with him, talking about simple things...him watching football on his TV in his room and the playoffs. We got to say our goodbyes.

We also got to spend an hour or so with his family, including seven of his fourteen grandchildren. That was a good time, under bad circumstances.

We've also decided to name the trophy for our Fantasy Football league after him. We're going to have the name plate changed, and show him later this week. At the end of the month the twentieth anniversary winner of the GMFL will proudly take home the Fitzpatrick Trophy.

[Lathum]

that sounds nice.

if he has 14 grandchildren it sounds like he had a good life and will be surrounded by alot of love in his final days.

you are a better person for visiting him and brighting up his evening...