The Onion Thread

[sterlingice]

In the vein of the Daily Show/Colbert thread, I thought it was long past time that we had a thread to toss in the random funny Onion article that struck us above and beyond what they normally do.

SI

[sterlingice]

U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

I just thought this one was great. The writing wasn't anything above and beyond but I thought the idea was particularly witty.

U.S. Government: We Have Not Forgotten About Osaka Binn Rogen | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

I love how the name changes through out the article, my favorite being OKenny Ben Loggins

SI

[mckerney]

Donovan McNabb: 'I'd Like To Thank The Ungrateful, Over-Expecting,Oftentimes-Racist Fans Of Philadelphia' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[molson]

Two of my favorites from recent months:

U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion

Everyone Outraged Catholic Priest Did That Thing Everyone Jokes About

[Scoobz0202]

I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[hoopsguy]

Originally Posted by mckerney

Donovan McNabb: 'I'd Like To Thank The Ungrateful, Over-Expecting,Oftentimes-Racist Fans Of Philadelphia' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Don't let EagleFan see this headline.

[EagleFan]

Originally Posted by hoopsguy

Don't let EagleFan see this headline.

Why? It's funny.

[Vegas Vic]

[mckerney]

[EagleFan]

All Sports To Cease So Skip Bayless Has Nothing To Talk About | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[EagleFan]

Butler Doesn't Understand What They Have To Do To Get Out Of Indiana | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[EagleFan]

Huge Chunk Of Nation You'd Never Want To Meet Excited For Daytona 500 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Dodgerchick]

Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by EagleFan

All Sports To Cease So Skip Bayless Has Nothing To Talk About | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

SI

[cartman]

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Job Became Completely Humiliating So Gradually Area Man Barely Noticed | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Our Judicial System | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Neon_Chaos]

Not The Onion, but another good parody site (primarily wrestling, but with the occasional pop culture reference)/

(STc) Tiger′s Message To Fans, Media: F*CK ALL OF YOU

[cartman]

Biden Receives Lifetime Ban From Dave & Buster's | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Sgran]

Science Channel Refuses To Dumb Down Science Any Further | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[molson]

Man At Very Top Of Food Chain Chooses Bugles

SOUTH BEND, IN—Despite having no natural enemies and belonging to a species that completely dominates its ecosystem, local IT manager Reggie Atkinson opted to consume the processed corn snack Bugles Monday. "I was in the mood for something salty and crunchy, and it's a little early for dinner," said the ultimate predator, whose ancestors' bipedal locomotion, toolmaking abilities, and advanced spatial recognition developments allowed them to hunt animals 10 times their size. "These are original, but the other flavors are pretty good, too." Acting on an impulse from an incredibly complex forebrain that has evolved over millions of years, Atkinson then took note of the Bugles' amusing conical shape and placed one on each of his opposable thumbs like little wizard hats.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Sgran

Science Channel Refuses To Dumb Down Science Any Further | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

That's easily one of my favorites of the last couple of years

SI

[Greyroofoo]

A couple of years old old but still my favorite

I Got What America Needs Right Here - by Jimmy Carter

[RainMaker]

Originally Posted by Sgran

Science Channel Refuses To Dumb Down Science Any Further | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

I love this one because I thought Punkin Chunkin was part of the joke but then realized it's actually a real show.

[bhlloy]

Bill Belichick Drops Off Recent Draft Picks In Middle Of Nowhere, Tells Them To Find Way Back

This might be one of my favorites in many years of reading the Onion

[mckerney]

Originally Posted by RainMaker

I love this one because I thought Punkin Chunkin was part of the joke but then realized it's actually a real show.

I thought that about Punkin Chunkin, Really Big Things, Heavy Metal Taskforce, and Mantracker.

[mckerney]

Originally Posted by Neon_Chaos

Not The Onion, but another good parody site (primarily wrestling, but with the occasional pop culture reference)/

(STc) Tiger′s Message To Fans, Media: F*CK ALL OF YOU

I liked this one more:

Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Reporters Expose Airport Security Lapses By Blowing Up Plane

[sterlingice]

Geologists: 'We May Be Slowly Running Out Of Rocks' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Big fan of this one

SI

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

Geologists: 'We May Be Slowly Running Out Of Rocks' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Big fan of this one

SI

"A rock can take millions of years to form, but it only takes a second for someone to skip a smooth pebble into a lake, and then it is gone." Dr. Kaiser said.

Awesome.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

"A rock can take millions of years to form, but it only takes a second for someone to skip a smooth pebble into a lake, and then it is gone." Dr. Kaiser said.

Awesome.

Merrill went on to point out that, even if there were some "magic hole" in the earth's crust that could miraculously spew out rocks every 10 years or so, modern society's obsession with rocks means that we would still run out of them far more quickly than they could be replenished.






SI

[DanGarion]

Originally Posted by Dodgerchick

Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature

Awesome, I've posted this one on my food blog!

[JPhillips]

Supreme Court Upholds Freedom Of Speech In Obscenity-Filled Ruling

"I don't know what kind of bullshit passes for jurisprudence down in the 4th Circuit these days," Thomas wrote. "But those pricks can take their arguments about speech that 'appeals only to prurient interests' and go suck a dog's asshole."

[molson]

The Supreme Court articles always crack me up for some reason. Here's one from a few years ago:

Supreme Court Reaches Landmark 'It Depends' Ruling | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Semi-Literate Former Gold Prospector Given Own Cable News Show

[stevew]

from facebook

"Nuggets tell dying George Karl they made NBA Finals"


http://www.theonion.com/articles/nug...final%2C17444/

DENVER—During a visit to his coach's deathbed at Denver Presbyterian Hospital on Wednesday, Nuggets All-Star Carmelo Anthony told a barely conscious, cancer-ridden George Karl that their team, which was eliminated during the first round of the playoffs this year, had advanced to the NBA Finals and was currently up 3-0 on the Cleveland Cavaliers. "Everybody's playing great, Coach, and the defense you taught us is completely shutting down LeBron," a tearful Anthony reportedly told the weak and gasping Karl, who mustered enough strength to nod his head and smile at the news. "Doctors say you're going to get better soon so you can celebrate with us at the victory parade. It's going to be—Coach Karl? Coach Karl! Nurse!"

seems to be a bit controversial in the comments section.

[LloydLungs]

Originally Posted by stevew

from facebook

"Nuggets tell dying George Karl they made NBA Finals"

seems to be a bit controversial in the comments section.

Gotta say, as soon as I saw that I thought "leeeetle bit over the line this time, Onion." I laughed because I'm a terrible person, but that ain't right.

[Sun Tzu]

The title of this thread is very misleading.

[Scarecrow]

CBS Producers Ask Shannon Sharpe To Use At Least 3 Real Words Per Sentence

[stevew]

If We Don't Stop Childhood Obesity, Our Fat Toddlers Could Become Fat Fucks | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Neuqua]

Blackhawks Attempt To Find Out Why Shark On San Jose Logo Is Eating Hockey Stick | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Surtt]

Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming

[mckerney]

Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining Subscribers

[Bearcat729]

South African Vuvuzela Philharmonic Angered By Soccer Games Breaking Out During Concerts | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

South African Vuvuzela Philharmonic Angered By Soccer Games Breaking Out During Concerts

June 17, 2010 | ISSUE 46•24

JOHANNESBURG—Members of the South Africa Vuvuzela Philharmonic Orchestra, widely considered to be among the best large-scale monotonic wind instrument ensembles in the world, told reporters Friday they were furious over the recent outbreaks of international soccer matches during their traditional outdoor concerts.

"I cannot imagine what is getting into these football teams that they would suddenly begin full-scale international competition just when we are beginning our 2010 concert series," said Dr. Stefan Coetzee, the Philharmonic's program and concert director. "It is disrespectful to the performers, it is disrespectful to the music itself, and by extension, it is disrespectful to the great nation of South Africa."

Spontaneous high-caliber soccer games have thus far plagued every orchestral vuvuzela performance of the season, which opened June 11 at Cape Town Stadium. As musicians took their places in the stands and began warming up for the evening's performance of lighter pieces by post-minimalist composers, they noticed the audience was not sitting in its traditional place in the stadium's central area.

As the Philharmonic learned later, its only spectators were the national football sides of France and Uruguay, who played to a 0-0 tie as the frustrated vuvuzela virtuosi played a full program of concerti written for the distinctive straight plastic horn.

"A virtually empty house is highly unusual in a vuvuzela-mad nation such as South Africa," said first-chair vuvuzela player Moses Mtegume, who is known as the "Father of the Vuvuzela" and considered a national treasure. "And because concerts are held in the round—the better to appreciate the sonorous tonality of the massed instruments—a performer gets a sense of the crowd early."

"It doesn't even seem like these football players are paying attention to us," Mtegume added. "In fact, I would go so far as to say they are trying to ignore us."

The following days, during which a string of large-scale vuvuzela performances were held, saw the unusual events repeat in Johnnesburg, Durban, Pretoria, and Port Elizabeth as audience after audience was driven away by FIFA national football teams. As a result, the South Africa Vuvzela Philharmonic, which is supported solely by money from ticket sales, has suffered staggering losses financially. And the musicians, many of whom trained for years and underwent a harrowing audition process to earn one of the orchestra's 50,000 seats, said the biggest blow was to their professional pride.

"Do you know how difficult it is to get everyone situated, tuned, and focused for a vuvuzela concert?" said Julliard-trained vuvuzelist Donald Frederick Gordon, a noted soloist and renowned performer whose boyhood dream of playing vuvuzela in every stadium in South Africa is now at risk. "These brash, inconsiderate outbursts of impromptu athletics have made us a laughingstock of the international music community. We have already had cancellations from the Vienna Boy's Choir and guest director Seiji Ozawa, who no doubt fear for their reputation should the Philharmonic continue to be mocked by these incongruous sportsmen."

In order to save its concert season, the orchestra has scheduled a special benefit concert for July 11 at Johannesburg's Soccer City Stadium. The orchestra will be accompanied by 8,000 special guest vuvuzela players from Ghana and the Ivory Coast, and the concert program will include the debut of new single-tone compositions by Philip Glass, Arvo Pärt, and vuvuzela fan Mark Mothersbaugh.

The musicians said they are thrilled to be performing in the nation's most prominent stadium, which is capable of holding up to 12,500 standing concertgoers in its grassy central section.

"This will be a vuvuzela tour de force the likes of which the world has never seen," Dr. Coetzee said. "We are very close to an agreement with Placido Domingo, who we're confident will show us how the greatest living tenor sings the B-flat-below-middle-C that makes the vuvuzela so magical. It will truly be a night for the ages, with, we hope, no sign of football rivals battling it out for global supremacy where the audience should be."

"We've already sold a couple dozen tickets to people in Brazil and Argentina," Dr. Coetzee added. "Mark my words, on July 11, the eyes and ears of the world will be on South Africa."

[mckerney]

Struggling High School Cuts Football—Nah, Just Kidding, Art It Is

July 16, 2010 | ISSUE 46•28

BROWNSVILLE, PA—Superintendent David Geyer announced Tuesday that due to the high cost of new equipment, regular field maintenance, and rising coaches' salaries, Brownsville High would be forced to shut down its footba—ha, yeah right, the arts program is definitely getting the ax. "I've already informed Coach Mackenzie that recent budget concerns have left us with no other choice but to…okay, all kidding aside, the entire music faculty is fired, effective immediately," Geyer said. "But the arts remain vital to a good education, and if the economy improves, aw, who am I trying to fool? Those programs are gone for good." Geyer then attempted to commend the school's art students for all their hard work, but couldn't keep himself from cracking up.

[mckerney]

TIME Announces New Version Of Magazine Aimed At Adults

[mckerney]

Mitt Romney Haunted By Past Of Trying To Help Uninsured Sick People | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

BELMONT, MA—Though Mitt Romney is considered to be a frontrunner for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination, the national spotlight has forced him to repeatedly confront a major skeleton in his political closet: that as governor of Massachusetts he once tried to help poor, uninsured sick people.

Romney, who signed the state's 2006 health care reform act, has said he "deeply regrets" giving people in poor physical and mental health the opportunity to seek medical attention, admitting that helping very sick people get better remains a dark cloud hovering over his political career, and his biggest obstacle to becoming president of the United States of America.

"Every day I am haunted by the fact that I gave impoverished Massachusetts citizens a chance to receive health care," Romney told reporters Wednesday, adding that he feels ashamed whenever he looks back at how he forged bipartisan support to help uninsured Americans afford medicine to cure their illnesses. "I'm only human, and I've made mistakes. None bigger, of course, than helping cancer patients receive chemotherapy treatments and making sure that those suffering from pediatric AIDS could obtain medications, but that's my cross to bear."

"My hope is that Republican voters will one day forgive me for making it easier for sick people—especially low-income sick people—to go to the hospital and see a doctor," Romney added. "It was wrong, and I'm sorry."

According to Romney, if he could do things over again, he would do everything he could to make certain that uninsured individuals got sicker and sicker until they died. Promising his days of trying to provide medical coverage to the gravely ill are behind him, Romney said that if elected president, he would never even think about increasing anyone's quality of life or trying to lower the infant mortality rate.

In addition, Romney repeatedly apologized for wanting to help people suffering from diabetes, Crohn's disease, and anemia.

"I don't know what got into me back then," Romney said. "Wanting to make sure people were able to have health insurance if they left their job. Providing a federally funded website so individuals could compare the costs of insurance providers. Making certain that somebody who earns less than 150 percent of the poverty level can receive the same health care coverage as me or any government official. All I can say is that I was young and immature, and I am not that person anymore."

"The only solace I can take is in the hope that some of the folks I helped were terminally ill patients who eventually withered away and died," Romney added.

Though Romney has apologized profusely, Beltway insiders said he would need to distance himself from his I-tried-to-help-sickpeople image. Sources noted that Romney's current promise to take away health care from anyone who can't afford it is a step in the right direction, but might not be enough.

"The major strike against Mitt Romney is that he not only tried to help people get medical care, he actually did help people get medical care," conservative columnist Jonah Goldberg said. "No other Republican in the field has that type of baggage. And in the end, in order to defeat President Obama, the GOP needs someone who has a track record of never wanting to help sick people."

Thus far, Romney is polling strongly in early primary states like New Hampshire and Iowa, but Republican strategists and voters agree that even in a general election, his sordid past would continue to dog him.

"I don't think I can vote for someone like that," Pennsylvania Republican Eric Tolbert said. "He says he's sorry, but how do I know that's the real Mitt Romney? What happens if he gets elected and tries to help sick people again?"

"I like Michele Bachmann now," Tolbert added. "Because what this country needs is a president who doesn't give a fuck about helping people."

Mitt Romney Defends Himself Against Allegations Of Tolerance

[Ronnie Dobbs2]

The Onion is best when mistaken for real.

[Ksyrup]

"women are soooooooo stupid to fall for this" - says the woman so stupid to fall for a gag article.

[mckerney]

"Buying contraception, which is the silent abortion, is keeping planned parenthood alive."

Wow, this is almost more ridiculous than believing the article. Though it does raise the question, if preventing pregnancy by contraceptives is a silent abortion is it also a silent abortion not to be having sex when you could be procreating?