Well this is Inconvienent

[PilotMan]

**** For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, don't say anything. Please, for the love of god, please.****


So the Mrs left this morning for a girls trip that she's been planning for months. She's about 2 hours away and I'm in charge. Our life is one where I'm always leaving and she's always keeping things in control while I'm gone. We've been through a number of incidents where she's had to handle things while I'm gone. Having her leave this time is a bit different and there have been a lot of jokes about me working hard to keep the children (14-16-23 special needs) alive. She comes back on Wednesday with one of her friends she's bringing to the airport here.


So today was awesome. My middle son and I flew racing drones this morning and then the 2 youngest boys and I went out to play disc golf. We were on the 6th hole and it was heavily wooded, with a mostly dirt, no grass on a fairly steep hill. My throw was kind of crap and my disc ended up on the far side of a gully. It rained the last 2 days and it was a little muddy, but not awful.


Instead of crossing at the bridge, like I should have, I tried to work my way down the gully to cross much closer to where I was. As I was working my way down my right food (which was uphill) slipped knocked my left food sideways and underneath me as I fell. My ankle was turned 90 degrees to the right, and my entire body rolled over the ankle, with all nearly 300 pounds coming down on it as I slid down the gully. My ankle was pinned under me and I clearly heard 3 snaps. I knew it was broken right away. I'm almost 43 and I've never broken anything.



I screamed and the boys came to find me. I tried to stand on it, and nearly passed out from the pain. I even thought, it's not that bad, I might be able to play on it. It took me 15 minutes just until I could try and get up. It took an hour, butt scooting up the hill over rocks and mud to get up to the car. My middle son went to get the car and pull it as close as he could. Then we went to the hospital. I nearly passed out 3 times from the pain.



X Rays showed all 3 bones snapped and the Dr says follow up tomorrow and that surgery will be required. No weight on the ankle for at all. So here I sit, on the couch, wondering how long I can keep the Mrs from finding out. We have security cameras all around the house and so far, I've lucked out with her not seeing. I am going to try and put surgery off until Thursday, which will be after she gets back and I figure I can wait to tell her until she's on the way home. God I hope so.


If she finds out, she'll abandon her entire trip and come home and I'll feel the most incredible guilt imaginable. I'm already pissed off that this has happened. It's just fucking dumb and I'm so fucking pissed. My boys (3) have done a good job of looking after me, and I'm going to get around. Am I making the right choice by not telling her now?


I will never, ever, as long as I live, ever live this down. The one trip that she leaves on and I break my fucking ankle on the first day she's gone and need surgery. It's going to be brutal.



I won't be able to work at all either. Might be 2 months or more before I'll be able to come back. It's so fucking stupid. I can't believe I did this, and the reality of it is just bad. So bad. Fuck me.

[Thomkal]

No more disc golf for you! Seriously hope you recover quickly, and don't beat yourself up too much over this. Life happens. Suck it up and call her-you don't want anything to happen to your kids now on top of this do you?

[Lathum]

Ufgh, sorry man.

Start with a joke. Something like " you and my ankle now have something in common, you know what it feels like to be under 300 pounds of Pilotman"

You know her best, but man, she's gonna be pissed you didn't tell her. I would suck it up and be honest. Let her know the boys are taking care of you and she should have fun.

[Lathum]

I asked my wife, she thinks your intentions are sweet, but that you should tell her.

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by Lathum

Ufgh, sorry man.

Start with a joke. Something like " you and my ankle now have something in common, you know what it feels like to be under 300 points of Pilotman"

You know her best, but man, she's gonna be pissed you didn't tell her. I would suck it up and be honest. Let her know the boys are taking care of you and she should have fun.

She is gonna be hellapissed if I wait. If she did this to me, I would be. She does keep some things from me if it's a potential distraction and I'm working, but something this big, she'd let me know ASAP. If I don't it's gonna be trouble. But I really don't want to.



The nurse was even like, you should really consider telling her. They were laughing at me at check in, because I told the boys not to call mom, and when my Mom got to the hospital, the receptionist repeated that to her!



That's funny stuff right there.

[Izulde]

Dude, tell her. She's gonna be royally pissed if you don't. I get not wanting to spoil her vacation. But it's better for her to be a little disappointed at cutting her vacation short than to be ready to break the rest of your body when she finds out you didn't tell her.

[Edward64]

I agree. Tell her, I know my wife would want to know.

[RainMaker]

Ouch! Sorry to hear. Hope you got some good pain pills.

[SackAttack]

There is no 'good' here. There's bad, or worse.

Cut your losses.

[RainMaker]

Oh and as others have said, every hour that goes by that you don't tell her is just an extra ounce of anger she'll have toward you.

[Lathum]

Maybe tell her tomorrow after the follow up?

You can play it off as you wanting to be 100% before you alerted her. Then tell her it's only 2 more days and they can't do the surgery until Thursday so no need for her to rush home.

[NobodyHere]

What would Homer Simpson do?

[EagleFan]

Sorry to hear it. Hope recovery is smooth. Tell her, you don't want this to snowball.

[BYU 14]

Damn bro, so sorry to hear this, totally sucks. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

I would tell her, just down play it, tell her you have surgery scheduled and there is nothing she can do, so enjoy her trip and she can kick you in the ass when she gets back.

[stevew]

I think you're right not to tell her, but the kids better not tell her and she better not find out by anybody that isn't you

[cougarfreak]

Recover quickly man! Were you at Boone Woods or Idewild playing disc? I was at Idewild walking yesterday.


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[Butter]

Originally Posted by SackAttack

There is no 'good' here. There's bad, or worse.

Cut your losses.

Yeah. This is it unfortunately. I get where you're coming from, but what can you really do? Not telling her could cause major issues of another sort. At least by telling her, you just get to be the klutz that screwed up her vacation.

Otherwise, you are introducing trust issues that could linger for a while. Not fun.

[JPhillips]

You gotta remember you aren't a young guy anymore, Pops.

You have to tell her. But, maybe tell her with a doctor? Maybe if you can get a medical authority to say you'll make it until the trip is over she'll accept that. If you don't tell her, she's going to be mad for quite a while.

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by Lathum

Maybe tell her tomorrow after the follow up?

You can play it off as you wanting to be 100% before you alerted her. Then tell her it's only 2 more days and they can't do the surgery until Thursday so no need for her to rush home.

This might be an option. Certainly a better option than just telling her outright. But she'll still be distracted when she doesn't need to be.

Originally Posted by stevew

I think you're right not to tell her, but the kids better not tell her and she better not find out by anybody that isn't you

Finally! A voice of reason! Seriously, the family is all on the same page. There is some precedent in dealing with it this way. My wife is known for making significant changes without telling me. Like the time she demoed the kitchen while I was on a trip. I came home and things were torn up. Nothing like walking in and going WTF?!

Originally Posted by cougarfreak

Recover quickly man! Were you at Boone Woods or Idewild playing disc? I was at Idewild walking yesterday.





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I was playing at Lincoln Woods near me. If I hadn't had my boys and was alone I'd have called 911. The crazy thing was a couple guys offered to help, but then there were a couple groups, who watched me butt scoot up this steep, muddy, rocky hill and nobody did anything. They just waited for me to get out of the way, which was like 20 minutes. That's kind of surprising.

[PilotMan]

I can't get in to see the surgeon until tomorrow anyway. There's not a whole lot to do. I have a whole lot of phone calls to make regarding my medical and work related stuff. I kind of scared about how long I might be out. 3 months maybe 6? Ugh.

[Kodos]

Ouch. Heal up quickly, PilotMan. And you should tell her. There's no way around her getting mad, but waiting makes things worse.

[chesapeake]

Sorry to see this. I broke my ankle a couple of years ago at age 46, so I feel your pain.


If your wife is anything like mine, you need to tell her. But if you clearly have a plan in place to take care of everything that needs caring for, she might be willing to stay on vacation. You mentioned that your mom came to the hospital. If she is close by and is able to help out, you may be able to convince your wife that you've got someone that can help carry the load for a few days, assuming your mother is willing and able.

[CU Tiger]

I wouldn't tell her, personally. There isn't anything she can do. Let her enjoy and find out when she gets home.


I mean its not like you are stopping her from leaving, that would be different. But why cut short her trip and possibly greatly inconvenience this 3rd party she was bringing to the airport.


I disagree that this is a trust issue. So long as you can sufficiently care for the kids, this is no big deal. I mean would you call and tell her if you got a cut working in the garage and needed a couple stitches? What if you ripped a finger nail off? This isnt life threatening just a minor injury.

[Butter]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

Finally! A voice of reason! Seriously, the family is all on the same page. There is some precedent in dealing with it this way. My wife is known for making significant changes without telling me. Like the time she demoed the kitchen while I was on a trip. I came home and things were torn up. Nothing like walking in and going WTF?!

I'm not trying to pile on in your time of pain and need... but if you already know the answer you want to the question, don't ask the question. If you think it's going to be fine and that's what you're going to do anyway, then do whatever you want. Just because there's only 2 guys out of 15 that agree with you doesn't mean we know your circumstances.

There's still no way I would break a bone and then wait 4 days to tell my wife.

[Toddzilla]

Do NOT tell her. That's the cardinal rule of sending someone off on vacation - if there is nothing you can do to fix the situation, you save the bad news for when they get back. Same as if a pet dies, you never tell the owner until they get back. It's the same bad news/heartbreak so no need ruining a vacation on top of it.

Seriously, your intentions are good, let your wife know when she gets back.

[claphamsa]

I broke my ankle 11 years ago now...and I didnt have surgery (stupid canada) quick...ankle set wrong, no fixing it. suck it up and tell her, or you may have issues going forward!

[claphamsa]

dola ,

if you cant get a surgery time before she gets back, then no need

but make sure you know when your surgery is when you tell her.

[molson]

Originally Posted by Toddzilla

Same as if a pet dies, you never tell the owner until they get back.

I guess it's good to have rules in advance for this kind of thing so everybody's expectations are known. I want to know all bad news immediately if I'm on vacation. I specifically tell a dog sitter or wherever the dog is lodged to inform me of any issues. Otherwise I'll spend time on vacation wondering if everything is going OK at home. I would definitely want to know if my girlfriend broke something while I was gone. I wouldn't necessarily run home depending on the circumstances, but, I like to know that no news from home affirmatively means good news, otherwise I'd dread coming home and walking in that door, wondering what went wrong while I was gone. People who aren't wired to worry as much me way may have different expectations.

Edit: And along those same lines, if my girlfriend hid something like this from me while I was away, I would always wonder what was REALLY going on at home when I was out of town. Especially if I talked to her over the phone while I was gone and she straight-up lied that everything was fine when I asked her. Honestly, if she told me "everything's fine" when my dog was dead or there was some other disaster, that'd be a break-up worthy offense, because I just wouldn't trust her going forward in those situations. But others may prefer to be kept in the dark when enjoying themselves.

[stevew]

Maybe "I tweaked my ankle, going to the doctor to check it out" eiuld be a good compromise lie?

[Brian Swartz]

Originally Posted by Toddzilla

Do NOT tell her. That's the cardinal rule of sending someone off on vacation - if there is nothing you can do to fix the situation, you save the bad news for when they get back.

This would confuse the snot out of anyone I know. Everyone in my circle would be mad they weren't told right away. So I guess it depends, but in this kind of situation I would say if she would want to know -- tell her, as Lathum and Edward64 have said. It's obviously going to be a bit of a tough situation either way, but if you look at is as stated 'lucked out with her not seeing', then it seems to me you already know the answer.

[nilodor]

That sucks and I see where you're going but just tell her.

[PilotMan]

I just can't. I know it's a bad or worse situation, but I can't ruin her trip and i know she's having a great time. Knowing will change the entire way she feels on her trip. It's just 3 women and it'll impact everyone. I just can't ruin that. I know it's not great, but there's nothing she can do right now anyway. The house is under control and im getting by. I, selfishly, do not want her back before her trip is done.

[molson]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

Knowing will change the entire way she feels on her trip.

Won't lying to her about how things are going at home change the way she feels on any future trips, or even her willingness to go on such trips?

(Obviously I don't know you or her, just asking questions to help make sure you've thought about all angles.)

[Chief Rum]

Holy cow, sorry to see you going through this Pilot. I completely feel for you, too, on the wife situation. I do think you should tell her. Your ankle could get worse in the meantime and you need to be able to walk.

Just find a way to make it up to her. She will understand.

I hope everything works out better here for you sir.

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by molson

Won't lying to her about how things are going at home change the way she feels on any future trips, or even her willingness to go on such trips?

(Obviously I don't know you or her, just asking questions to help make sure you've thought about all angles.)

You know, given the nature of my job, usually it's her in this situation. In the past, she has knowingly withheld information from me, while I have been working, so that I wouldn't freak out while I'm away. I do get upset, but I know that she's only doing it for my best interest. I imagine that, yes, she'll be upset, but that she'll understand why I did it too.

[TCY Junkie]

She's never going to trust you to leave you again. So basically if this is her last trip be nice not to tell her. But otherwise, she won't enjoy any trips in the future.

[CU Tiger]

Must say FOFC never ceases to amaze me.
Dude didnt lose his leg. He broke his ankle. I mean if that happened at work to me, and the wife was home, I wouldnt likely tell her until I walked in the door on crutches.


I mean unless wife is an orthopedic, what is she going to do?
Just seems strange to me that this is a huge deal and "trust issue" to so many people. I mean I wouldnt straight up lie. If she called and said "How are you feeling" I might say I slipped and my ankle hurts a bit. But Im not going to make it a stop the presses Im injured you have to know either.


Again if he LOST his leg, I get it. That's life changing. This is just a temporary set back and given his line of work a short vacation and STD/LTD case. No big deal.


I dont even know if Id tell my wife if the KID broke their ankle. Though that would at least make me stop and think about it.

[molson]

Originally Posted by CU Tiger

Again if he LOST his leg, I get it. That's life changing. This is just a temporary set back and given his line of work a short vacation and STD/LTD case. No big deal.

If it's not a big deal, why not tell?

I wouldn't expect my girlfriend to tell me if she dropped a sandwich on the floor, as that's not a big deal. If she was hospitalized, I'd like to know. If it was a minor hospitalization (like a broken bone might be), then I wouldn't need to drop everything and rush home if she told me just had things under control. I'd trust her to tell me if I needed to come home or not. I'd guess she'd invite her sister over to help with anything, and wouldn't want me to come home, and I'd respect that.

I think honestly is just generally easier than trying to manage people.

[larrymcg421]

Yeah I see it two ways.

1) It's not a big deal - she shouldn't have to come home.
2) It's a big deal - she should come home.

Now maybe she'll come home either way, but that means to her the answer is #2, which makes the answer to your situation pretty clear.

[PilotMan]

I think our situation is a little bit different than most though. She has to trust me on the road regardless, all the time, as I have to trust her. We have been married and doing this for almost 18 years now. Being the wife of someone who spends so much time on the is a difficult thing. No question she won't be happy. If the roles were reversed, I'd book it home, and I really think she would do the same. If she feels like she can't leave, but feels like she should, she's going to be in a terrible situation, and will feel guilty no matter what. I really want to protect her from that position.

[JPhillips]

It's clear my marriage is different, not better, mind you, but different. I could call my wife, tell her the injury, and tell her I can handle it and have fun. She'd likely check in with me daily, but if I said I was fine, she'd stay on vacation. Given how she'd handle it, it wouldn't occur to me not to tell her.

[Eaglesfan27]

No advice but hope you feel better soon PilotMan!

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

I think our situation is a little bit different than most though. She has to trust me on the road regardless, all the time, as I have to trust her. We have been married and doing this for almost 18 years now. Being the wife of someone who spends so much time on the is a difficult thing. No question she won't be happy. If the roles were reversed, I'd book it home, and I really think she would do the same. If she feels like she can't leave, but feels like she should, she's going to be in a terrible situation, and will feel guilty no matter what. I really want to protect her from that position.

Is this really going to prevent her from further vacations? This was a freak thing that could have happened if she was home or not. It isn't like you showed some gross negligence and she can't trust you.

Originally Posted by JPhillips

It's clear my marriage is different, not better, mind you, but different. I could call my wife, tell her the injury, and tell her I can handle it and have fun. She'd likely check in with me daily, but if I said I was fine, she'd stay on vacation. Given how she'd handle it, it wouldn't occur to me not to tell her.

This is likely the way it would go down with us also, but we would 100% tell each other. However if she got home and I told her, surprise!, I'm having surgery tomorrow she would be pissed, and IMO rightfully so.

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by Lathum

Is this really going to prevent her from further vacations?

No, I don't think so. I never said that. I think someone else did. However, she doesn't get this opportunity ever, which makes this a bit of a unique situation. Personally, I don't think this will have any impact at all on whether or not she would do it again. If it were me, I'd be upset that I didn't get told. Yes, that's true. I'm always a little bit upset that I don't get told, but it is easier to travel when things are under control at home, no matter what happens. If it happened to a kid, I think I'd have told her. I wouldn't have made that choice. She'd want to be there.

[Logan]

If it was me, I would do what someone suggested of telling her but downplaying the severity as long as you can handle your responsibilities of taking care of the kids. But if I knew my wife's trip would be completely ruined by even knowing I got a little hurt, I'd keep it in entirely. She wouldn't view it as a violation of trust but in understanding I wanted her to get the most of a rare opportunity to not worry about the kid. Maybe she'd be mad initially but she'd come around.

Everyone's situation is different and frankly it's not even consistent among us. My wife is terrible at keeping stuff like this quiet. She doesn't update me because she wants me to not enjoy my time away or feel guilty about not being home. She just sometimes needs the support I can offer with a text or a quick call. Not a big deal and I'm pretty good at being able to segment off those things. Last night, my wife went out for a rare night with her "mom friends" and was out for hours. Our daughter had an unusually really rough last hour before bed, took forever to fall asleep, woke up screaming an hour later, temperature check (clear thankfully), medicine, not easy getting her back down...but the "how's it going?" text from my wife got answered with a "great...she's passed out." Not trying to compare to PMs situation but if that situation was reversed, even if only for a few hours, I would have probably received 100 texts. But we all have our strengths and weaknesses and it's about knowing your spouse and at the end of the day making the call you feel is right.

[chesapeake]

Well, regardless of the outcome, you can tell her in all honesty that you agonized over the decision.


Listen to your gut, not us.

[PilotMan]

Well, I know I'm in the minority, that's for sure. My kids are the only ones who are completely in support of this choice. Even my Mom is having second thoughts. Having said that, she'll be home tomorrow, and I think I'll tell her while she is driving. It'll give her and her friend something to talk about, provided she doesn't drive off the road when she hears it.

I'm heading to the orthopedic surgeon very soon, and we'll hear just how bad it's going to be. I need 90 days for my LTD to kick in for work, and once that does, there's really no hurry to go back. It's just a matter of getting to that point. Thank goodness we have a beefy HELOC to draw off of.

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by chesapeake

Well, regardless of the outcome, you can tell her in all honesty that you agonized over the decision.


Listen to your gut, not us.

Hah yes, show her this thread!

[molson]

FWIW I asked my girlfriend about this and she said she would definitely not want to know any news like this while away. 180 degrees the opposite of me. Good to know.

Edit: I just finished a 5-day trip - on the last day of it I was feeling good and happy to get home and comforted by the fact that I hadn't heard any bad news from the dog lodging place. My dog strained a back leg ligament a while back and the vet has told me both that I should just let him "be a dog", but to also be prepared for him tearing it entirely eventually. And I figure that could happen when he's being lodged and has physical activity more spread out throughout the day. So I tell the dog lodgers to let me know if there's any limp at all. So every moment I'm away, I know things are good and I know that I'm coming home to happy healthy dog instead of something bad. Same with girlfriend. I have way to much anxiety to just assume everything's good. I'd be dreading coming home and any negative surprise if I knew that was a possibility. But, my girlfriend is much less anxiety-ridden and would rather just deal with whatever when she got home, so there's no right answer.

This thread reminds me a bit of this scene from Curb your Enthusiasm.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCkEsLYE3Ik

[CU Tiger]

Originally Posted by molson

FWIW I asked my girlfriend about this and she said she would definitely not want to know any news like this while away. 180 degrees the opposite of me. Good to know.

Edit: I just finished a 5-day trip - on the last day of it I was feeling good and happy to get home and comforted by the fact that I hadn't heard any bad news from the dog lodging place. My dog strained a back leg ligament a while back and the vet has told me both that I should just let him "be a dog", but to also be prepared for him tearing it entirely eventually. And I figure that could happen when he's being lodged and has physical activity more spread out throughout the day. So I tell the dog lodgers to let me know if there's any limp at all. So every moment I'm away, I know things are good and I know that I'm coming home to happy healthy dog instead of something bad. Same with girlfriend. I have way to much anxiety to just assume everything's good. I'd be dreading coming home and any negative surprise if I knew that was a possibility. But, my girlfriend is much less anxiety-ridden and would rather just deal with whatever when she got home, so there's no right answer.

This thread reminds me a bit of this scene from Curb your Enthusiasm.

Curb Your Enthusiasm - Larry's Mom Dies - YouTube

I think whats interesting is I am a definite worrier. If I knew my wife was hurt I'd be worried sick and flying to get home (to do what exactly? Im not sure) and if the least thing is wrong I would drop everything and move mountains to get home. So...if its something I can't control ...ignorance is bliss