Drew Magary's Public Humiliation Diet

[Subby]

I found a diet that I will probably end up doing for 9 days and quitting, but it made me laugh and seems doable, so why not? Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber fame lost 60 el bees in five months doing shit that I know you are supposed to do but am to stupid/weak/lazy actually do.

When I read that he lost all that weight I was intrigued. When I read the next paragraph, I was hooked. I could have written it:

"I've struggled with my weight for my entire life. I went to hospital fat camp in seventh grade. I have stretch marks all along my sides and gut (fire belly!). I spend the majority of my day thinking about food, and that's unlikely to change anytime soon, even now. I love eating and have a hard time controlling myself when presented with cakes and pies and bags of Doritos. Oh, Doritos. Oh God, how I adore you. You hear about alcoholics who can't stop drinking until they're blackout drunk. I'm that way with food. I can't stop eating until I'm blackout fat."

Blackout fat. Awesome!

[Subby]

Here is the 13 step plan.

1. Buy a scale.

Magary: "I hated weighing myself because I didn't want to face the hard truth about my weight, which is fucking dumb because the hard truth is out there for everyone to see when you're fat."

Me: Own one already, this is so easy.

2. Weigh yourself daily.

Magary: "At maximized lightness. I also weighed myself every night, just to see what the differential would be in the morning. Usually, it's about 3 to 6 pounds. Where does the weight go overnight? Out of my peepee? MAGIC."

Me: I think I can manage this part - the worst is getting on after a night of overindulging but maybe the hard truth will make me not act like Brando in his fat slob heyday.

3. Post that weight daily on Twitter.

Magary: "Maybe some people will tease you, but that's its own incentive anyway. Part of losing weight is acknowledging the fact that you have issues with food. And holy shit, do I have issues with food."

Me: I'll post it here since regular joes that use twitter are kind of sad.

4. Never eat after dinner.

Magary:"For me, it used to be that dinner was the start of my nightly eating. There'd be dessert. Then the after-dessert dessert. Then a bowl of cereal. Then shots of ranch dressing. That's all bad and shit. This rule, and the three rules above, are the ones I really stuck to."

Me: This is a huge one for me. I think I ate 12 oreo double stuffs while surfing the web last night at 11:00pm.

5. No snacks except for fruit.

Magary: "I used to come home from work and eat half a box of Triscuits and a whole container of hummus. Then some chips. Then some peanuts. Then God knows what else I could stuff into my facehole. All bad. I cut that shit out and had bananas and oranges and apples when I was hungry at midday. And here's what's fucked up: The fruit actually tastes pretty good now. I'm genuinely happy to have fruit as a snack, which makes me feel weird and wrong."

Me: This might actually work for me because it is actually pretty hard to down multiple pieces of fruit. Give me a tin of salted smoked almonds, however, and I guarantee they will be gone in an hour.

6. Don't have seconds.

Magary:"I used to eat two plates at dinner, minimum. I'd spend my first helping thinking about my second, which is idiotic. It's the SAME FUCKING FOOD. Then I'd finish my seconds and hover over my wife's plate like a goddamn buzzard. I also had to get over my hatred of throwing away perfectly edible food that other people didn't eat. Nothing pisses me off more, but it's not like a Rwandan AIDS baby will get to eat it if I pass it up."

Me: Also going to be tough, particularly when my wife makes such kickass meals. Eating slow will help.

7. Don't eat eat sweets.

Magary: "This is kind of lie. I did have the occasional cookie or ice cream sandwich. But I used to eat a bowl of ice cream and then have half a package of cocoa almonds for dessert. My dessert came in stages, usually followed by Cocoa Puffs. This is unwise. Cutting out sugar pretty much guarantees weight loss."

Me: Definitely agree that cutting out sugar guarantees weight loss. Not only cutting out calories but keeping your insulin levels at manageable levels enables you to lose weight.

8. Avoid carbs, but don't go nuts about it.

Magary: "Whole bread baskets at the restaurant. Three bowls of pasta for dinner ("I'm carb loadin'! Gotta stay huge!"). Two jumbo bowls of cereal for breakfast. Triple helpings of rice with my Chinese food. I could eat 90 pounds of plain white rice in one sitting. Golden House apparently steams it in cocaine vapor. Anyway, I'd still have pasta for dinner every week or so. But one bowl at a meal."

Me: Could stand to eat less pizza. We make our own, so maybe instead of eating half of one and my kids' leftovers I could just have two reasonable slices.

9. Drink a fuckload of unsweetened green tea.

Magary: "I needed something to demarcate the end of a meal, because otherwise I'd just keep eating until all my meals blended together. Breaklunchinner is a better meal than most people realize. Having a cup of tea at the end of the meal (usually decaf) was my way of reminding myself MEAL IS OVER, FUCKFACE."

Me: This would be new to me. I don't mind trying it though and green tea is awesome for you, allegedly. Apparently it is also an appetite suppressant.

10. Drastically cut down on boozing.

Magary: "This is a deal breaker for many people. But the unfair truth is that a six-pack after dinner adds about 900 calories, all of which go to your FUPA."

Me: This is the easiest one for me because I only binge drink when I am in fraternity houses.

11. Make sure everything you eat is fucking AWESOME.

Magary: "If I'm only getting three legit meals a day, they better be fucking good. So I made sure of that. Did you know two slices of bacon only have 70 calories? Combine that with a fried egg and you've got a breakfast of less than 200 calories, far less than a bowl of granola or some shit like that. So I went the bacon route. And I don't give a shit about my cholesterol. They can just Lipitor that shit. I'm in this for the sexy."

Me: You won't see me eating rice cakes or lowfat enteman's coffe cake. I will eat the eggs and the bacon and be extremely happy about it.

12. Exercise, though it hardly matters.

Magary:"did 45 minutes of cardio five days a week. But I've been doing that for 14 years now. I also started doing hundredpushups.com around the 220-pound mark. But really, the only thing that mattered was that I ate less, and within a daily routine that I could get used to."

Me: I run 4-5 miles every morning with my dog and burn about 600 calories. I would like to be less weak eventually so I might try the pushups thing.

13. Take a fiber supplement.

Magary: "Metamucil: Poop Yourself Thin!"

Me: WHATEVER IT TAKES.

Seriously, this whole thing seems pretty reasonable. A little planning on the front end every day will keep me from situation where I am starving so badly with such diminished willpower that I end up getting a monster burrito and three cookies from Moe's at lunch time.

Anyway, that's it. I'll post my weight every day and this will either be a huge success or I invite you to ridicule the shit out of me. Actually, feel free to ridicule me either way. Dieting is for chicks, right?

[Subby]

202.3

[PurdueBrad]

Originally Posted by Subby

I invite you to ridicule the shit out of me.

If we have to do this, then you obviously aren't doing the 13'th step correctly.

In all seriousness, good luck!

[Subby]

199.5

[path12]

You're running 4-5 miles a day and have to diet?

I am so fucked.

[Subby]

I sit at a desk all day and eat 3k calories most days...the running barely made a dent.

[Subby]

196.9

It pays to be sick and holed up in bed all day!

[path12]

Do you credit 5 1/2 pounds in two days to the sickness then?

This concept intrigues me. I'm trying to decide which way I want to publicly humiliate myself.

[GoldenEagle]

Originally Posted by path12

You're running 4-5 miles a day and have to diet?

I am so fucked.

Exercise just makes you look better once you lose the weight.

I am thinking I am going to jump in on this as well.

[RainMaker]

I saw this and was impressed. Success stories always seem to motivate me a lot. I'm working to lose some weight too. The diet is more or less common sense. Don't eat too much and dump the sugar.

The one thing that drew me to the article is his description of his prior life is spot-on with what I was going through. I love food with an almost unhealthy obsession. I'm always thinking about how I can acquire more. I overeat and have to go till I'm full. Hate throwing away food and have no boundaries with portions.

I'm realizing that so much of it is mental. Eating either for comfort or boredom. A good portion of the food I ate was probably just out of habit. A bag of chips while I worked that I probably wasn't even hungry for. I caught myself yesterday opening the cabinet looking for some cookies without even thinking about it.

[RainMaker]

Originally Posted by path12

Do you credit 5 1/2 pounds in two days to the sickness then?

This concept intrigues me. I'm trying to decide which way I want to publicly humiliate myself.

You can't really lose 5 1/2 pounds of fat in two days. It's probably a mix of fat, water, and maybe waste.

[Subby]

Yeah I was just sick last night and all day today. I will probably gain a few pounds in the next day or two.

Rainmaker - your post describes me perfectly. I love food and I also stress eat. I have a hard time self-regulating on food (I eat pints of Ben n Jerry's in one sitting with impunity.)

Anyway - it's early but this has been fairly easy so far. For dinner last night I had a slice of pizza at the little league complex. That took care of me and I didn't get a gatorade to wash it down.

I think not eating after dinner is going to be huge.

[Malificent]

My wife went through a lot of weight issues and the biggest thing she learned was:

Always be aware of WHY you're eating. Learning to pay attention if you're really hungry or eating for other reasons makes a huge difference. She'd snack at night because it was something to do, not because she was hungry.

Sounds like you're on the right track. I look forward to seeing you thin in Vegas in 2011.

[path12]

The first of many parts of that article that described me was the Doritos love. I'll start with one at a time but soon enough I'm like cramming five or six at a time into my face.

I've been pretty good about cutting way down on fast food and sugar, and I've started yoga (surprisingly tough for a fat guy) but I still eat too much and do too little. And weigh myself once every two-three months.

EDIT: Reading that back it's pretty clear I'm getting used to this public humiliation idea.

[RainMaker]

Originally Posted by Subby

I think not eating after dinner is going to be huge.

I've read differing views on this. Some people have said it's bad to not eat after dinner because you're essentially putting your body through 14 hours of no food and that slows the metabolism. The other says it's a good idea as food you eat can fester overnight.

I'm sort of going in the middle. I'm staying away from carbs completely after dinner. I bought some beef jerky and lamb stix at the butcher and will have one of those an hour before bed. Hoping it keeps the metabolism rocking while not putting too much into my stomach before I sleep.

[Subby]

195.4

I messed up and weighed myself after my run but I made a concession and left my track pants on - a difference of about a pound and a half.

Feeling a little better today...still not all that hungry though.

[PackerFanatic]

Intriguing...

[Subby]

197.0

A day of normal eating and drinking and back to health.

I feel great and I am still a fat slob. Imagine how great I am going to feel on August 31st when I am 160.

[Alf]

Good luck ther Subby. Let's humiliate yourself (I know you will love that !)

For me, it would be stopping eating cheese. last time I did that, I started losing weight even without adding extra exercice to my weekly routine.

[Subby]

195.0

Coming along - I think I am still feeling the effects of being sick - took a nap yesterday (never do that) and went to bed at 9:15p last night (never do that either).

Pool opened this weekend, so that gives me more random calorie burning, non-eating physical activity than I normally get.

Went to a kid's birthday party yesterday and passed on the cookies and cake - the sugar thing really gets easier every day you do it.

[Subby]

193.8

[Greyroofoo]

Keep up the good work Subby!

I need to start a diet of my own someday.

[Subby]

Thanks!

#s 4, 5, 6, and 7 seem to be working the best for me right now, although I am doing everything on the list but Metamucil (#13) at this point.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Originally Posted by Subby

Thanks!

#s 4, 5, 6, and 7 seem to be working the best for me right now, although I am doing everything on the list but Metamucil (#13) at this point.

Came for the dynasty thread. Stayed for the Metamucil. Just found out there's no Metamucil. What the hell is wrong with you?

[Subby]

Your mustache is 89% fiber - you have a lifetime supply already!

[Subby]

193.6

Dog going under the knife today so I won't have a running partner for the next two weeks. Very sad about that.

On the bright side I am still moving in the right direction...kickass wife fixed an egg sandwich for me this morning, so between that and my run with Lola, day started off at a 10.

[primelord]

Me: I run 4-5 miles every morning with my dog and burn about 600 calories. I would like to be less weak eventually so I might try the pushups thing.

It's like you don't listen to anything I tell you. The 100 push up challenge does not build strength, it builds muscle endurance. The only way to build strength is continually keep lifting heavier weight. Not only are you not adding more weight with body weight push ups, but if you are losing weight you are going in the wrong direction.

It's not that being able to do 100 push ups isn't impressive, but it isn't a strength feat. It's similar to long distance running. My legs are stronger than yours, I am certain of it. I can max squat around 375. However I could never run distance with you.

[Kodos]

Hmmm. My Forty by 40 dynasty failed. But on the plus side, I have avoided caffeine for 2 & 1/2 weeks now. And I am motivated to try again.

[Subby]

Originally Posted by primelord

It's like you don't listen to anything I tell you.

I just wanted a celebrity guest appearance in my epic diet thread and I knew that would be the easiest way to lure you in.

[Subby]

192.0

Yesterday was one of those days where I usually eat 1000 calories at 10pm - at the ballpark from 5pm to 930p and came home starving. This time, however, I ate an apple and felt okay and went to bed and that was that.

[Scoobz0202]

How tall are you? Reading your original post I was expecting your original weight to be 280 or something..

[Subby]

I'm 5'10. A good weight for me would be 160. Obviously, I would love to get there and add 10 pounds of muscle but I also hate weightlifting, so I'll probably just take the 160.

[Subby]

191.3

After a long day of golf with a side of boozing I was expecting to go up, but for some reason I didn't. At lunch I skipped my usual "Oh I'm Eating Out, Make it a Burger and Fries" and went with a salad with a slab of salmon on it. And it was great. I also drank a G2 which has a fuctload of sugar in it and tastes nasty. I don't know how Gatorade is still making money - their flavor ideas are so bad.

Anyway, despite an "off day" my newly established habits of not eating late and laying off the sugar still seem to be working.

11 pounds down since starting!

[EagleFan]

Nice job so far. I am thinking about trying a similar approach as I keep trying to lose some weight, losing 10-20 pounds, then slowly going back to my old ways and it starts coming back.

[path12]

Good job so far. I've been doing this since Tuesday and am down 4 pounds.....but I was taking the fiber supplements and haven't had a decent shit in two days so am going to lay off that.

[Subby]

190.9

Pool party tonight with beerz. Could be an up day tomorrow.

[Subby]

193.1

Not sure what the hell happened. Three beers and 5 pieces of sushi. Maybe I'll normalize on Monday.

[Subby]

191.8

Back on track with a pretty solid day. Still doing a good job staying off the sugar and not eating after dinner. My portion sizes at dinner are a bit of a cheat - but still probably less than the two plus servings I was getting in the past.

Sleep is another key component - tired people crave carbs, sleeping people burn calories, etc., etc.. All of the evidence points in the direction of adequate sleep helping weight loss. To that end, I have been trying to get in bed by 10p every night - I am still dead tired in the morning at 6a, but I know I have a massive sleep deficit working, too.

[Subby]

191.0

My dog got fixed last wednesday, so we haven't been out for our morning run lately. I decided to take her out this morning though - her incision looks good and she has been hyper as hell. It was a solid 4.5 and I feel better than I have in a while. I would really like to get into the 180s in the next few days with the outside goal of hitting 179.9 before July 1.

[Alf]

Hey, no post yesterday !

[Subby]

Yeah I completely spaced on yesterday - forgot to do it at work and then no computer access later on.

Anyway - went for a run last night and weighed in this morning and all is fine.

191.7

I feel like I am fully back to health, so I think my weight loss has slowed a bit, but I am still kicking ass on the eating stuff. Goal is to be in the 180s by weekend's end.

[Subby]

191.2

[Subby]

191.0

Really wanted to be in the 180s but had a shit eating day on Saturday.

Baby steps.

[Greyroofoo]

Being down 10 lbs in less than a month is still good

[Subby]

191.6

Ran this morning but I have strayed the past few days. I am going to read the priniciples of this thing again and get back in gear. So easy to fall into the old traps.

[Subby]

191.3

Bad stuff I used to do but have refrained from doing:

-Getting at least one SBUX pastry every day.

-Eating a pint of Ben n Jerry's ice cream at least five times per month

- Eating a massive burrito and a fistful of tortilla chips for lunch 3 times per week

- Eating 1,000 calories of anything I can get my cakecrusher on before I go to bed at night

[Subby]

190.9

Pretty remarkable considering the past two days have been pretty bad eating-wise. Still running in the morning, however - so I think that helps. Plus I am cheating myself on sleep which is costing me about 200+ calories worth of free calorie burning per night.

[MacroGuru]

Hey slack ass....you have missed 9 days!

[MacroGuru]

11 days now