My campaign for Mock President

[PurdueBrad]

So the high school I teach at is running a mock election on Monday, November 3. This gives the students that are not voting age the ability to express their opinions and begin to get into the pattern of voting. As part of this, students have made signs that support candidates and are running the ballot boxes and the vote counting. The students vote using copies of the actual ballot, listing all seven Presidential candidates on the Illinois ballot (Obama, McCain, Barr, Nader, McKinney, Baldwin, and Polachek) and the all-important write-in spot.

I decided last weekend, partly as a joke, to announce my candidacy in the mock election. The following brief dynasty will detail my run for Mock President on a day-by-day basis, starting retroactively with Sunday, October 26.

[PurdueBrad]

Sunday, October 26, 2008: My townhouse

8:17 pm- The entire staff at DeKalb High School just received an e-mail outlining plans for a mock election on November 3'rd. Having been around the students as they talk politics, I realize that this could grow to be a fairly boring proposition as Obama has captured probably 80% of them already. Blah, a foregone conclusion.

My wife, a Social Studies teacher in the building, agrees with me, saying that during a recent project in which students research candidates, many chose Obama. I realize that at this point, the election and country (or at least the high school) really do need change and I know just the person to bring that change...me.

I joke with my wife, knowing that my attempts to win the mock election via an aggressive grassroots campaign could upset and offend some of my colleagues, that on Monday I will announce my own candidacy. She rolls her eyes as she often does and realizes I'm too far gone to even bother to try to stop me. It's also at this point that I realize, in order to win, that I must distance myself from her and her cynical nature.

And with that, my thoughts go to the next day's announcement...

[PurdueBrad]

Monday, October 27, 2008: DeKalb High School

7:54- Rumors are swirling that a new candidate may announce their candidacy for the mock election today. These rumors were, of course, started by me. I tease it during my first hour senior Humanities class and my second and third hour sophomore Humanities sections. Unfortunately, I am beat to the punch by one of the math teachers, who jokes about doing this very thing. That bastard!

That's okay though because my campaign is determined, prepared, and confident. I've saved my announcement for my sixth hour class, my largest class of the day and one filled with seniors. I realize that the first step in winning the student vote is to capture the leaders of the school, the seniors.

The school is comprised of 1700 students, of which I only teach approximately 170, so my base is just 10% of the total voting population. I face an uphill battle. The bell rings for sixth hour and I realize it is now or never:

"My fellow DeKalbians, I stand before you as a man that realizes we need change in our world. We have sat on the sidelines for far too long and allowed the Washington fat cats and politicians to lie, cheat, and steal as they win each and every mock election across the country. I stand before you looking to change that.

Who knows me better than you, my students. You know that with my sarcasm and quick wit, there is no better choice for a Mocking President and that is why, today, I announce to you my candidacy.

Be prepared for announcements coming during the following days. For instance, I'm currently debating several VP candidates, from people you konw here to maybe bringing in an obscure, inexperienced high school teacher from Alaska."

And with that, the fuse is lit...

[PurdueBrad]

Monday, October 27, 2008 (continued): Room 117, my campaign headquarters

3:01- School has been out for sixteen minutes and many of the students that I saw earlier in the day have come back to see if it is true, have I thrown my hat in the ring against the big guns: Barack, McCain, Polachek. And, with pride, I look at them and say yes...and then beg them not to let the Department Chair from the Social Studies department find out because I fear her wrath.

My announcement came at the perfect time, as most of the government teachers assigned a campaign poster project to their students. Several students have come back to me saying that I will be their candidate of choice. I spend time posing for some photographs to be used in the posters and then realize, I may have a problem. What if he government teachers won't accept their posters for credit?

So the first crisis has hit my campaign. I round up all the government teachers that don't also have the title Department Chair and clear the poster ideas with them. They think I'm crazy (particularly my wife, who teaches government and interrupts me early in my presentation with, "you're crazy") but they go for it. Whew, first crisis avoided.

Now it's time to pick my VP candidate. My short list is very short and nary a list. It's down to two, my own department chair, a woman I respect immensely, who is a tad bit neorotic, and is an awesome teacher. OR I can go with my best friend at work, a fellow teacher in the Humanities Department with a tremendous sense of humor, a great following from the students, and a great teacher in his own right.

I go the selfish route and take my friend with the huge student following. His involvement guarantees that I've got a great shot at carrying the sophomore vote. With me pushing the seniors and him the sophomores, that's a pretty huge block of votes.

My campaign is hit with one setback though, staff votes will be counted as well. This means that I will have to spend time courting my colleagues, who's reactions will likely be very, very similar to that of my wife. Hmmmmm...

[PurdueBrad]

Monday, October 27, 2008 (continued): Camp Brad (my townhouse)

So, I've decided how to court the staff vote. I'm beginning to form a proposed mock cabinet comprised of teachers that I can trust to spread the pro-Vest message. I'm aggressively courting the Social Studies teachers, to guarantee that the message gets out to the classes my invested with voting.

At student prompting, I'm making one of our more experienced and intelligent AP (advanced placement) teachers my Secretary of Defense. He's a calm man, one who can be counted on in a crisis. I've also made up a new cabinet position, Secretary of Offense for one of my more sarcastic colleagues. He'll be my overall attack dog. Because we have both offense and defense, I've decided that my Secretary of State will also be the Secretary of Special Teams.

I also plan on bringing in a Secretary of Treasury, Parks and Roads, and Crazy. I've got people in mind for each of these positions but have yet to reach out to them yet. I'm concerned about my choice for Treasury as he recently became an American citizen from the Ukraine and I'm concerned about a communism scandal in the campaign (especially since my first hour class' first slogan idea was, "A vote for anyone else is a vote for Communism."). I'll cross that bridge when I come to it I guess...

[PurdueBrad]

Tuesday, October 28, 2008: Campaign Headquarters

Tuesday has kicked off with a bang. I find seventy-three cents on the floor in my classroom. On my desk, I keep a hollowed out coconut that is carved in the shape of a head. I deposit the money here, making it my campaign's war chest. I instruct my students that I do not want their money but instead, if they see money lying on the ground, pick it up and deposit in the campaign's coffers.

In the meantime, I announce my first campaign platform as I instruct the students to take out sheets of paper to take a quiz. I've decided that my first platform will be the anti-environment platform. A la Denis Leary, I believe in the active ruining of the environment. In fact, I picture a campaign poster that features me, arms raised in victory, spraying aerosol cans with each hand and piles of balled up paper at my feet.

Student reaction to the anti-environment campaign is much more receptive than I envisioned. One of my students volunteers to replace my recycling bin with a garbage can from home. Considering I'm giving them a quiz, I'm surprised at the support they seem to be showing. My campaign may have wings (but as the anti-environment candidate, I believe we should probably shoot down anything with wings or drown it in an oil spill).

[Barkeep49]

This thread has been hilarious.

[PurdueBrad]

Tuesday, October 28, 2008 (continued): Campaign Headquarters

3:03- I've twice had to take different ways to the bathroom in order to avoid the Social Studies Department Chair (just in case she's heard and is pissed). Other than that, my life hasn't changed much. I've made several trips through the cafeterias, shaking hands, introducing myself to students that I don't know and don't know me (and now must think I'm crazy), and I've been talking it up at the beginning of my classes.

Kids really seem to appreciate my sarcasm regarding my anti-environment stance which, due to apparently bad campaign advising, is not working against me as perhaps I had hoped. In fact, when I looked inside the decapitated head that serves as my campaign war chest I was shocked to find it full of money. I have, embarrassingly enough, raised $8.17 in 'found' change to run my campaign on. So, I immediately decide that although I really want a bottle of Mountain Dew that I should not embezzle my own funds, and will instead invest it in poster board, tape, and markers to help spread the word.

Also, against my better judgement, I allow two students to take pictures of me for their Social Studies posters. I stand with my American flag behind me, eyes skyward, in my best Stephen Colbert pose. I then am asked to pose shaking hands with several potential voters. The photo-op is my first and I find myself wishing that I would've shaved and had a haircut and maybe a more expensive wardrobe. I'm starting to get why candidates spend all that money (I wonder what my wife would say if I wanted to purchase a mock Presidential wardrobe).

[PurdueBrad]

Wednesday, October 29, 2008: Campaign Headquarters

6:15- So I have extra time when I'm not planning during which to focus on my campaign. I decide that the students deserve some sort of acknowledgement for their fund-raising. With that in mind, I quickly format a Mock New York Times, make a chart comparing my mock election fund-raising on Tuesday ($8.17) vs. that of my opponents ($0). Here is the article:

Mock Election Candidate Raises Record Funds for a Tuesday
Mock Presidential Candidate Brad Vest raised more money on Tuesday than any candidate has ever raised in a mock election. This success prompted the candidate to say, "This is a major success for a grassroots campaign. This money will allow us to spend with the Washington fat cats."

This money will go towards purchasing billboard space in the Cafeteria and perhaps been buying air time in room 117 (my room has no windows). "Who knows, with support like this, we may even be able to get several windows build in room 117 sooner than I had envisioned," stated a hopeful Vest as he drew windows on his wall with a marker.

The Vest/Solomon ticket continues to place their hopes in a handful of campaign volunteers but word seems to be spreading quickly. The Party Animals announced their first campaign platform yesterday, the anti-environment platform, which is why this is printed on non-recycled paper with ink made from the tears of baby seals.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by PurdueBrad

(I wonder why my wife would say if I wanted to purchase a mock Presidential wardrobe).

Something involving the words "mock divorce attorney" comes to mind.

[PurdueBrad]

Wednesday, October 29, 2008: Camp Brad

8:17 pm- The day went well and was a good one for the campaign. No, not quite as good as raising $8.17 but still pretty good. Several students turned in campaign posters to their Social Studies teachers touting my campaign. Three even produced posters featuring the pictures taken the day before. I guess I forgot about the Nixon pose that I did but it plays well.

Several students have decided to make buttons and even more claim that they will be making t-shirts. My fellow staff members are probably starting to think I'm crazy as my room looks out on the copy machine and I continue to drag colleagues in mid class to give them the whole, "I'm Brad Vest and I'm running for Mock President. Can I count on your support Monday?" spiel.

One of the classes I teach is general level Sophomores (lowest level and typically a dumping ground for apathetic students) but they are really getting excited about it. At least they're excited about something! In fact, two of them give me hand-made posters featuring likenesses of me with the tag line, "Rock the Mock Vote, Vote Vest." It's actually kind of cool and makes me feel like my campaign has some legitimacy.

Speaking of legitimacy. I had the choice to either watch Barack Obama's half hour infomercial or dedicate my time to something else. I decided that as Obama is likely too afraid to mention my growing campaign, that my time is better spent elsewhere (playing Fallout 3 and my EBFL game of NCAA Football). No mention from McCain today either. I get it, it's fear, they are afraid of giving my campaign legitimacy so I will return the favor, I will no longer refer to them by name until they acknowledge me.

One of my colleagues asked me today, in front of my class, why he should vote for me. It's a good question, one I hadn't considered but I think quickly (my advisors would be proud). I notice a Cubs lanyard around his neck and I promise him a mock World Series in Wrigley Field (what I leave out is that I can't guarantee that the Cubs will be playing in it). My promise works though, as his brother has season tickets and he figures it would at least be nice to see someone play in a World Series there. And another voter is won over.

[PurdueBrad]

Thursday, October 30, 2008: DeKalb High School

It's starting to get embarrassing to walk down the hallway as I have numerous students yelling, "I'm voting for you Mr. Vest." In fact, my wife has decided that it's better if she walks twenty or thirty feet ahead or behind me so she doesn't have to deal with it. I stop to shake hands, pose for photos, and answer questions.

I've also been told that the Social Studies Department Chair has now heard of my campaign. Her response, short on words, was, "I encourage the students to consider all options." She found out about it when one of my kids showed her the mock New York Times. She did laugh apparently, so maybe it isn't all bad. Several colleagues have approached me on the side and said, "You realize she's going to go through the roof, don't you?" And she has a bit of power, but this is year one with tenure so why not try it out for once.

The Principal provided me with my latest and most popular platform. She went on the intercom today and announced, "Students will not be allowed to wear costumes, masks, make-up, or any other Halloween related apparel." This led to my immediate announcement of Mock President Candidate Vest as being pro-Halloween. I do have to walk a careful line though as I have her son in class.

My opponents continue not to mention me and I read an article that stated, "No third party candidate will have any effect on the election results." I use this as bulletin board material and to motivate me. It is this kind of ignorance that reminds me that my push to be Mock President is an important one.

[PurdueBrad]

Friday, October 31, 2008: Campaign Headquarters

It's Halloween and numerous students have been sent home or made to change for wearing Halloween costumes. I remind my students numerous times that I am pro-Halloween. My day does start with a great chuckle though.

One of my students walks into the classroom wearing a professionally printed "Vote Vest" shirt. The back reads "Mock Election 08". I immediately send him on a tour of other people's classrooms, most importantly my wife's. Her only response, which she has started to numerous students, is, "Don't encourage him." I've decided that this gesture is definitely worth some extra credit, as is the posters that I've seen made.

My kids have been beating the pavement, recruiting new voters from all over the building so I promise my students cupcakes for all their hard work. I've started to recruit votes of from those that are working the ballot boxes and, much more importantly, counting the votes. My slogan of "Vote Early, Vote Often, Vote Vest" has gone over well and I'm hoping to make this a true Chicago election. In fact, I may have to resurrect the dead in the form of graduates from the class of 1912.

During lunch, I was walking past a friend's classroom and I realize I don't know any of his students. Inspiration strikes...

...I stand in his doorway waiting for him to notice me. He does and he takes the cue, "Students, we are honored to be joined by mock Presidential candidate Brad Vest." I walk in, greet the students, and quickly walk up and down each row, shaking hands and introducing myself. Another thirty voters that will hopefully swing over to my side.

Also, a woman that I believe despises me, approached me and said, "I understand I'm supposed to vote for you for President." It was an awkward moment but I recover, laugh about it, and say that I'm just trying to get thirty percent.

During some downtime, as Friday was a half day, another friend (my Secretary of State and Special Teams) points out, "What are you going to do if you do win? I don't think it'll go well." It hadn't dawned on me, despite the students' proclaimations that I'll win, that this is possible. I'm not sure what I'll do. My how things have snowballed in a week...

[Izulde]

What an awesome, funny thread. I can't wait to hear the election results.

[sterlingice]

Fun read

SI

[PurdueBrad]

Friday, October 31, 2008 (continued): Camp Brad

8:17- The trick or treating just ended. We didn't see any Jokers, any Batmen, or even any Barack's, Palin's, or McCain's. We did see a couple Optimus Prime's, which earned extra candy from your's truly as Mock Presidential candidate Vest is pro-Transformer.

The phone rings, "I am calling on behalf of the Barack Obama campaign..." I hung up. How dare they try to solicit my vote!

Phone rings again. "I'm calling from the Vest Election Campaign. Are we able to count on your vote on Monday?" No joke, my students called to solicit my vote. HAHA! We leave our phone number listed (but not our address) just in case there is an emergency but this was funny. They called back a few minutes later with an entire prepared speech on why people should vote for Vest.

"Who supports Halloween? Vest
Who is anti-environment? Vest
Who is pro-student? Vest
Who should you vote for? Vest"

All in all, not too bad. Thankfully it's the weekend and I can focus on putting together my Campaign Headquarters for Monday.

[PurdueBrad]

November 2, 2008: Camp Brad

Well, apparently the Mock Presidential candidate cannot pick a good fantasy football team. After starting the year 5-0, I've slid to 5-4. So rather than watch the carnage, I decide to go the Factory Card Outlet store.

$40 will buy you a ton of ribbons, red/white/blue bunting, several American flags, an Uncle Sam chalice (which will be my Chalice of Victory), a poster, and a dozen red/white/blue helium filled balloons. On the way out of the store, the nice older gentlemen that held the door for me asked, "Are you with one of the local campaigns?" I stifle my embarrassment and say, "Well, I guess you could say that."

I promised my classes cupcakes as a reward for their beating the pavement and getting the word out about my grassroots campaign. I stop by the grocery store (without the wife's knowledge because she might kill me for buying 14 dozen cupcakes) to buy them. Well, apparently 14 dozen cupcakes is a lot (who knew?) and so I'm forced to put in an order for Thursday. I hope this doesn't hurt the campaign momentum.

I did receive some great news. A colleague e-mailed me to tell me that she cast an absentee ballot since she won't be in school Monday and wrote me in. This means the current vote count is:

Vest 1, Everyone Else 0!!!

[boberot]

very funny read, man.

"Vote Vest" really has a nice ring to it.

Good luck . . . ?

[PurdueBrad]

November 3, 2008 Mock Election Day: Campaign Headquarters

The room is decorated, my lecturn has streamers and looks about as Presidential as possible. Balloons and flags will serve as a strong teaching back-drop. The slogan is on the board and it is all in the hands of the voters. The polls open at 10:25 CST and will close at 12:54 CST.

Before school today, numerous people drop by my room to see the decoration. Above the door is a campaign headquarters sign, welcoming all supporters. And finally, the Social Studies Department Chair and I speak...

...and she wishes me good luck! We'll see what happens but the buzz feels good as I'm hoping to come in second. I will be off to cast my vote shortly...

[PurdueBrad]

November 3, 2008 (continued): Campaign Headquarters

Early word is that I'm running a very strong second to Obama. I've looked at the poll workers and it's like an odd space monkey scene from Fight Club where I either have them all in class or have actively recruited their support. I'm keeping myself far away from the polling places to avoid any electioneering charges.

Random people that I've never seen before continue to approach me and say that they are voting for me. If I wasn't such a grounded person, this could definitely cause an inflated ego.

[Izulde]

Good luck!

[sterlingice]

Do you have any more exit polling information to share with a curious public?

SI

[PurdueBrad]

November 3, 2008: Campaign Heaquarters East (Social Studies Office)

My classroom is currently in use by another class. I have been visited by both the school newspaper today and now the school yearbook. I, pencil in hand, gave my best Bob Dole pose while they took pictures.

My voting booth workers are returning with news that I seem to be getting a solid number of votes early. The first of the three voting periods just ended.

There do seem to be some shenanigans both ways. First, a teacher came up to me to tell me that my kids are doing a good job, verbally spelling out my name for people when handing them their ballots. Some may say that it sounds like electioneering, I say it sounds like Chicago politics.

On the flip side, my real age has quietly leaked out. I can only imagine that somebody went to my personnel file or it was my traitor of a wife. I'm only 30, 31 in November, which excludes me from being real President. However, in the midst of this scandal, my campaign demands to see any form of Mock Constitution that sets forth an age minimum. I feel secure that we've combatted this without too much harm.

Still, sounds like we're running a pretty solid second place but have stolen a lot of Obama voters.

[Northwood_DK]

great read

[PurdueBrad]

November 3, 2008 (continued): Campaign Headquarters

The polls are closed and the votes are in. They will be handcounted tonight by a group of eight students, three of which are Vest supporters. There is a rumor that I will not count as a candidate due to my age but that's okay, I have an equal challenge in that freshmen, sophomores, and juniors could not have legally voted either, so we'll see.

I've gotten the votes of at least 90% of each of my classes, so that should pull in around 150 votes right there. As for outside my classes, it'll be interesting. I'm thinking second place is well within my grasp. I am no longer scared of winning as I don't think it is quite possible AND after she wished me good luck, I feel much better about it.

I explained to my students the three reasons I ran this campaign. First, I wanted them to understand that, under certain conditions, a third party can make a large impact (more along the lines of Nader in 2000 taking some possible Gore votes, so my example is really kind of extreme). Second, to get excited about voting and get into it. And finally that school does not have to be miserable. We've had a lot of fun with it in the last week and they were generally enthused. I see things like the "no costumes" edict for Halloween and I sometimes think we do our kids a disservice by running things too much like a prison.

As for the results, it should be interesting.

[sterlingice]

Do you have your student lawyers ready to push for the recount?

SI

[PurdueBrad]

November 4, 2008: The Day After

So, I apologized to the Social Studies Department Chair and found out that she was offended at first but then embraced my campaign. I felt bad about that.

My day starts with some bad news. The vote turnout yesterday was much lower than anticipated. In fact, the turnout is about 30% (hmmm, sounds like a real election). I had hoped to get a big turnout bump by recruiting first time mock voters. Big fail there.

Then I hear the numbers start to come out. I lose the freshmen vote badly, which I expected. I conceded the young voters, which could have been a mistake. I knew that I should've gone into the lunch room, jumped up on a table, and given an impromptu speech. I just figured that the freshmen aren't all that bright and would've thought I was a real candidate. I envision some sort of conversation like, "Is that Barack? He's lighter in real life. And fatter too. Did he eat Michelle?"

I fair much better at the sophomore level, I finish second. Not too bad considering I only have 55 sophomores out of 410.

The junior class is the wild card or the battleground vote. I'm hoping to pull off a good showing but I'm not sure. When the votes come out, I did okay, finishing third but Barack continues to sweep.

The senior class is my base. I do amazingly well here, finishing in a high second place. In fact, I only lose to Barack here by less than a dozen votes. McCain doesn't fare well here.

The staff vote, which had our highest turnout at just 52%, I find myself in third. This is going to be big battle between myself and McCain for second. I think I'm wishing we had some sort of electoral system because the percentages are going to be close.

The final numbers...

[PurdueBrad]

1- Barack 60% (not bad considering I figured he would get 80% before I entered)

[PurdueBrad]

2- John McCain 19% (ARGHHHHH!)

[PurdueBrad]

3- Brad Vest 18%

I'll take it, not bad considering I was a late arrival, a write-in candidate, and not being of legal age.

As I reflect on the results, I know a few things. One, I'm glad that I don't have to plan a re-election campgaign in the 2012 mock election. Two, I don't think this is my last time in a mock election.

[PurdueBrad]

I guess it's time to start to consider slogans for 2012...

[sterlingice]

"Vest is Best"!

SI

[sterlingice]

Also, it's time to work on the platform so you can pander to more students

SI

[Barkeep49]

Well written. Very entertaining. Tough loss.

[hoopsguy]

Enjoyed the read. I weep for the future of a country that has a mock-presidential candidate like Vest finish 3rd in the polls.

[PurdueBrad]

My sixth hour class took the loss especially hard and they have come up with the next slogan:

Invest in Vest