Kid(s) leaving home - support group

[Edward64]

Just came back from a long road trip to drop off my oldest kid for college. Feeling bummed.

I look forward to seeing how he grows in this next phase of his life but driving back I was reminiscing about this-and-that about his childhood and came to realize ...

Our family will never be the same again ... we will never be that family again. Sure he'll be back for the holidays and during summer, but it'll never be that 24x7 365 days a year.

I know I'll get over it but just wanted to share my melancholy and wonder how others have dealt with this next stage of a family?

[Buccaneer]

Me too, just got back yesterday. It is hitting my wife harder since our son was her ultimate football buddy (they hadn't missed many games together in 12 years) and with South Florida on now (her alma mater), she's not very happy. But with social media and text messaging, we've been keeping in contact - they've been texting each other constantly while she is watching and he is at a high school game at the on-campus stadium. So that helps.

But you're right, one of these days I'm going to look for him and he won't be there.

[stevew]

Yup. Twas on Monday

[JonInMiddleGA]

We're in year two, I'm still trying to figure it the fuck out frankly.

To this point my honest answer is that you just get used to nothing ever being the same, nothing ever feeling right, nothing ever really being as good or enjoyable. Just about everything in life is simply ... less, and you just have to deal with that new reality.

Which is probably the way our parents felt plenty of times over the years too.

[Edward64]

Thanks all.

Sorry that you are going thru the same thing ... but I'm feeling a little better knowing there is a community here.

I'll change the title some

[JonInMiddleGA]

I described this latest go-round of it as being "like living the first day of Pre-K over & over, Groundhog Day style".

That came to mind again when you said "our family will never be the same again", 'cause that's pretty much how I feel about that first day of school period. Your lives -- the whole family -- is never really entirely your own after that one, there's always somebody else's priorities to have to juggle.

The college phase, that's kind of the same thing, but you have a lot less time to acclimate to it. It's off to start the semester, then Thanksgiving which is maybe a week long tease of normalcy & then they leave again, then Christmas & that's longer but you have to let go again, then summer & then it REALLY sucks when they leave. Lather, rinse, repeat.

But it feels like that same first day to me in a lot of ways.

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by Buccaneer

But with social media and text messaging, we've been keeping in contact - they've been texting each other constantly while she is watching and he is at a high school game at the on-campus stadium. So that helps.

That is one thing good re: texting and other social tools. Much better than a shared dorm floor phone and snail mail. I'm glad we got the family iphones and we've got a family group setup where we've done messaging for past 2-3 years now (he just sent a picture of the room setup).

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

That came to mind again when you said "our family will never be the same again", 'cause that's pretty much how I feel about that first day of school period. Your lives -- the whole family -- is never really entirely your own after that one, there's always somebody else's priorities to have to juggle.

I didn't feel as bummed when he went to 1st grade. At least he was back every day. He's now about 7-8 hours drive away so we won't see him on 3 day weekends, it'll be Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring break (?) and summer.

He was a quiet kid at home but the house still feels empty.

[Toddzilla]

First of all, congratulations, dad. You parented a kid successfully into adulthood and off to college. That is one hell of an accomplishment.

Stop looking at it as "this will never be the same" That's the case for our lives every year, every week, every day. Some changes are bigger than others, but such is life. You did a great job. Now it's party time

[HerRealName]

We took our oldest to Houston last week. He's had a strange first week with Harvey but is absolutely loving it. I can only hope he continues to have a great time and not forget to study when needed.

As far as my wife and I, we still have two at home so it isn't a drastic change. Maybe when #2 goes off to college next year.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Edward64

I didn't feel as bummed when he went to 1st grade. At least he was back every day. He's now about 7-8 hours drive away so we won't see him on 3 day weekends, it'll be Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring break (?) and summer.

fwiw, that's about the same distance we deal with (depending upon who is driving & when).

Last year he actually came back for Labor Day, turned into as much travel time as time here. Not on the to-do list for this year (which I wholeheartedly agree with).

We'll see him next in October I think it is. His frat is doing TWO parents weekends this year (one fall, one spring) so we'll go over for the game vs Arkansas, then it's a month or so til Thanksgiving (and we get a full week or more for that).

[Umbrella]

As someone who has been an empty nester for 3 years, I can relate to these. It was really weird for us, and my wife really fought some minor depression after the last one was gone. But it's been a time for my wife and I to get to enjoy each other, and do a lot of things we've wanted to do, but never had the time. I encourage you to take advantage of that. Plus, we've got new groups of friends that didn't form around the kids.

It's still weird not having the kids around any more, but now that they have all been out on their own (and for our oldest, it's been over 10 years), they seem to appreciate us much more. When we do get the chance to be together, it's much more special. Yes, the relationship and family isn't the same any more, but it doesn't mean it's worse. It's just different.

[Edward64]

One thing about our society is how mobile we are. My guess is my kids will end up in different cities for their careers and life. Its kinda sad how the family unit is "lessened" vs the (good?) old days where family tended to stay closer to each other. Price for progress I guess.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Edward64

One thing about our society is how mobile we are. My guess is my kids will end up in different cities for their careers and life. Its kinda sad how the family unit is "lessened" vs the (good?) old days where family tended to stay closer to each other. Price for progress I guess.

I dunno if I lament that quite so much. I mean, I'd sooner have died than stayed in the town where I grew up (indeed, I'd quite likely be long since dead by my own hand if I had tried that).

The pros definitely outweigh the cons, and I'd actually be pretty disappointed for his sake if my kid ended up back here.

[cuervo72]

I'm always amazed at how many people from back home apparently stayed in the area. My parents' generation, yes. But my aunt (closer to my age than my dad's) moved from Philly to Boston to Atlanta to San Fran and now back to Philly, but will no doubt be on the move again before long. I've been living in MD basically since school. My wife is from Miami. Her sister lives in northern VA with her husband, who is from WV (they met at Ole Miss). Her parents are in Daytona but she has close relatives in Montana, Blacksburg, Tennessee...

Anyway, this is my son's senior year, so I'm keenly aware this is on the horizon. If he goes to Maryland, there will be changes but they probably won't be huge. But if he goes to Purdue? Yeah. I mean, he already spends a lot of his time either with activities or down in the basement on the computer, but he's still around. It feels odd when he's out overnight. Months at a time is going to be very different ("his" cat is going to wonder wtf happened).*

I have no idea what I'm going to do when my daughter graduates. My wife works nights, so I'm going to have a lot of time alone. I suppose I'll commit more seriously to running, will have more time for commissioner duties. No plan for anything involving actual human interaction (though I may have more of that at work than I've had in the past). Maybe I'll just get more sleep.


* Interestingly, he already has some plans to come back to live in Frederick. I don't know if that will really work out, but he's said he'd like to raise his kids here.

[King of New York]

Perhaps this will help a bit...

I'll be doing freshman advising tomorrow, and I'm teaching a lot of freshmen this year--it's about my 23rd or so year of college teaching. During the first few weeks here, the freshmen will be very green: uncertain, a bit confused, a bit homesick. But the transformation that they undergo during the first semester always amazes me. The same freshmen who, back in August, couldn't figure out very much on their own, by December will be confident, capable, and savvy, well on their way to full adulthood. As much as it hurts to let them go (and I'll be sending my own kids off to school soon enough), know that they will almost certainly benefit from the experience--and you'll have a new and great relationship with them as self-sufficient (eventually) adults.

And schools are doing a much better job these days of helping students adjust to life away from home.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by King of New York

Perhaps this will help a bit...

I know it varies but in our case, that hasn't really been an issue. He was pretty much college-ready in those areas by about 16 or so. Pretty much his entire life from an early age centered around preparing for that step & he had that stuff locked down well in advance.

you'll have a new and great relationship with them as self-sufficient (eventually) adults.

Again, for me it kinda feels like we got to most of that point somewhere between the 11th & 12th grade. As my wife puts it "he's grown, has been for quite a while".

[Butter]

Originally Posted by Toddzilla

Now it's party time

I keep saying this to my wife when my 17 and 15 year olds will eventually get out of the house, it will be party time.

She doesn't see the humor in it.

I feel like a bad person that I am looking forward to it.

Sadly, my 17 year old is unlikely to go straight to a 4 year college out of his senior year (this year), so I have a feeling it's going to be Community College for 2 years for him and then they both will head off at once.

That would be rough.

[heybrad]

My first experience with this was for a bit of a different reason in that in April of 2016 my daughter left on an 18 month mission for our church. We don't get the luxury of picking up the phone whenever we want or texting. I email her once a week and we've done Skype chats on Christmas and Mothers Day. I've missed her like crazy while she's out but I'm excited that she's 6 weeks out from coming home. Seriously, the thought of seeing her when we pick her up at the airport feels like it will be a level of joy I've never experienced. This is all tempered a bit by the knowledge that she'll be off to college in January and then my son will be doing a 2 year mission so there's that bit of heartache on the horizon.

[Marc Vaughan]

It's definitely tough my eldest son just went to university, second off-spring (my daughter is now at Ball State doing her masters) ... my youngest lives mainly with his mother so the house seems a LOT quieter now all of a sudden.

That being said I think its easier for our generation than for our parents - when I went to University apart from very occasional phone calls home I wasn't in touch with my parents ... with my kids they text nearly daily and I seem to stay far more involved and updated in their lives.

Yes its natural they drift away to some extent as they establish themselves - but I try and remind myself that is a sigh I did something right as a parent

[tyketime]

We've just dropped off both of our sons to different colleges in different states (oldest is a Junior, youngest now a Freshman). There's definitely a mourning process as the family dynamics have changed. It hit me as we were moving them in, It's hit my wife much harder today. So many different emotions...

But on top of the typical aspects of college transitions, my wife & I are very seriously considering downsizing & moving from New Jersey to Florida. So there's worry that we make sure they don't feel abandoned. One of my older son's roommates is in the same situation - his parents just moved half-way across the country as his Dad got a new job. His comment to me was that his family left him. I would hope our boys never feel that way - it's usually the other way around. So we'll need to work extra hard to continually communicate to them about the move and the reasons why. We will also make sure they know there will be space for them for the breaks & Holidays.

So, yeah... in addition to wearing the Empty Nest title, I'm also trying not to feel guilty about the next phase of our lives together.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by tyketime

His comment to me was that his family left him. I would hope our boys never feel that way - it's usually the other way around. So we'll need to work extra hard to continually communicate to them about the move and the reasons why. We will also make sure they know there will be space for them for the breaks & Holidays.

I'm gonna throw something in here, just fwiw, a sort of "something to watch out for" thing or whatever.

Last year, during the frat parent's weekend thing, all sorts of interesting conversations but one really stood out to me.

I was on the smoking porch chit-chatting with one of the guys and in the conversation he mentioned that his parents weren't there for the weekend, that they'd come the previous weekend instead (which was Easter).

He got a sort of thousand yard stare and after a couple moments he wistfully said "that's cool, it meant more to my mom to be here for the holiday, which is fine ... but I wish they'd have picked this weekend instead, 'cause that would have meant a lot more to me".

Like I said, just fwiw, it just felt like a lot of insight into the importance of remembering the kid's priorities on some of this stuff.

(Not saying you wouldn't or anything obviously ... just felt like something that could be useful with the situation you may be going into)

[tyketime]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

I'm gonna throw something in here, just fwiw, a sort of "something to watch out for" thing or whatever.

Last year, during the frat parent's weekend thing, all sorts of interesting conversations but one really stood out to me.

I was on the smoking porch chit-chatting with one of the guys and in the conversation he mentioned that his parents weren't there for the weekend, that they'd come the previous weekend instead (which was Easter).

He got a sort of thousand yard stare and after a couple moments he wistfully said "that's cool, it meant more to my mom to be here for the holiday, which is fine ... but I wish they'd have picked this weekend instead, 'cause that would have meant a lot more to me".

Like I said, just fwiw, it just felt like a lot of insight into the importance of remembering the kid's priorities on some of this stuff.

(Not saying you wouldn't or anything obviously ... just felt like something that could be useful with the situation you may be going into)

Thanks for that! It's a great reminder to make sure they continue to feel like we do hear them and they are taken care of.

[Ksyrup]

Dropped Caitlin off at college for freshman year this past weekend. Wife didn't take it well.

I had mixed emotions - on one hand, I know this means that the family dynamic will never be the same again and I miss her and worry about her, etc. But on the other hand, there is something liberating about having one fewer person's day-to-day schedule to deal with. It will get complicated in the spring trying to figure out how we can watch her play softball while Mackenzie is also playing high school softball at the same time, but for now, the simplification of our lives is welcome (to me, anyway).

And, it was time. About 2-3 months before graduation, she was ready to go. She and my wife fought constantly all summer. My wife took it personally that she was ready to leave, even though I repeatedly explained to her that this was natural. My wife and her brother/sister lived at home through college. Most kids want to get the hell out.

[rjolley]

Went through something similar with my girl, who are now 18 and 17, a few years ago. My 2 daughters lived with me after their mom and I broke up when they were 6 and 5. After I got married a couple of years later, they stayed with us. My wife was great with them and they got to see their mom over the holidays and for the summer.

As the girls got older, the youngest decided she wanted to live with her mom. That hurt, but I understood why...grass is greener and all that. My oldest decided she wanted to stay a year, then move.

Those were tough trips to the airport. Having one leave definitely made the house feel different. It was great to spend time with my oldest one on one, but I missed the youngest like crazy.

During the year when the oldest stayed with us, my wife and I adopted 3 kids. That was great and tough. It was great having young ones in the house again, but it was unfortunate that my youngest didn't get to spend a lot of time with them like the oldest did before she left.

Now, the oldest is at college for her freshman year. The youngest goes to college next year. And it's been a good situation for me with them. I dealt with not having them around every day 5 years ago and, while I still miss them, it's a lot easier to deal with, especially since I know they're doing well, they're taking care of business, and they still enjoy telling me about what's going on with them like they did when they were younger.

I said all that to say, it's tough, but it does get better. Enjoy your time with your wife and your other children. And definitely be proud of the fact that you've gotten him to this point and have prepared him to take on the challenges of the next part.

[Buccaneer]

Ksyrup, good to see you again.

Today was the first day of class and after taking a gap year, it was hard for my son to mentally and physically prepare for going to classes again. The hardest adjustment for him, though, seems to be managing his time - between going to several classroom buildings, bookstore, food places, rec center, Target and dorm.

[Ksyrup]

Thanks! Hard to believe it's been 5 years.

Spleen messaged me on Twitter to talk softball and it prompted me to stop by here to see what was going on, and then I saw this thread and figured it was time to jump back in.

[Edward64]

Good conversation everyone, appreciate the shared experiences & group therapy.

[Edward64]

Kid is continuing to text and send pics and we do the same, so pretty much daily touchpoints. If not already, recommend everyone in similar situation setup a group/family chat to stay connected.

Oh, wife and I decided to send the kid a care package with essentially snacks he likes. I'm thinking monthly but will see how the kid reacts.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Edward64

Oh, wife and I decided to send the kid a care package with essentially snacks he likes. I'm thinking monthly but will see how the kid reacts.

Distance and local availability are big for that one I think.

Will has no Aldi nearby, nor a Trader Joe's. So last year every trip (us there or him here) involved some of TJ's ginger beer that he liked. Since Xmas break last year, it's also involved Aldi's Hostess knockoff chocolate cupcakes and some of their chip category snack products.

Other stuff, well, basically it's there in Oxford with him anyway so no big deal.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Edward64

Kid is continuing to text and send pics and we do the same, so pretty much daily touchpoints. If not already, recommend everyone in similar situation setup a group/family chat to stay connected.

On this point, well, I can only say that we've been pretty blessed.

We've let him largely dictate the pace & timing of calls, txts, etc. And he's been amazing. Most of last year I knew one of two times of day I was likely to get a phone call, different times a day my wife knew the same pattern.

In my case, he used lunch first semester last year as his kind of "personal time", found a little out of the way spot in the student union where it was quiet & got out of the flow. He'd call during that quite a bit. His parking situation sucked last year too, about a 15 minute walk from his room to his car, so a lot of conversations during those hikes.

He was very conscious - and respectful - of how tough this was for us, and went out of his way to try to help ease the transition. That said, one of the very last things I said to him before he left last fall was that "sooner or later, there's gonna be a day where you don't talk to either of us ... and that's fine, don't freak out when you realize it happened, it's just part of it, no worries".

Now in year two, there's still been probably less than ten days where he didn't talk to at least one of us on the phone, and well below that where there wasn't at least chat/text communication with one or the other or both.

All that said, we probably have a fairly weird relationship. I mean, I've got a kid who isn't afraid to drunk dial his parents just to share some weird/funny shit. He very much has "his own life", he's just not reluctant to let us be part of it. Like I said, I just count my blessings about that.

[Ksyrup]

We visited Caitlin for the first time since dropping her off three weeks ago. Just a quick visit, mainly to see her play, so we didn't actually get to spend much time with her - Saturday night after the games and a quick lunch before we headed back home on Sunday.

Felt weird. We were all together but it seemed different. She still calls everyday and I usually get a text or two about something several times a week (mostly for computer help or asking me to order her something), so it's not like there's no communication. It's just...different. She seems to be doing OK though.

[Edward64]

Yup, been 3 weeks for us also. I think acceptance has come but is still kinda weird. He is still messaging or replying to our messages pretty much every day.

He's told us about some extra-curricular that he is doing and also wants to do. These are things he's never expressed an interest in so its kinda cool to see him explore new things by himself.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

We visited Caitlin for the first time since dropping her off three weeks ago. Just a quick visit, mainly to see her play, so we didn't actually get to spend much time with her - Saturday night after the games and a quick lunch before we headed back home on Sunday.

Felt weird. We were all together but it seemed different. She still calls everyday and I usually get a text or two about something several times a week (mostly for computer help or asking me to order her something), so it's not like there's no communication. It's just...different. She seems to be doing OK though.

One of the things Will shared with us last year is that us being on campus is "just ... weird". He's very conscious of the "it's like having two separate lives" situation and so when those merge it's a little weird. And that's with us being relatively go with the flow about the various goings on & being pretty well accepted by his crowd. It's still just weird.

I wouldn't sweat the different vibe you got too much, the kids have to figure this stuff out same as we do, and your lines of communication are still open.

[molson]

Originally Posted by King of New York

Perhaps this will help a bit...

I'll be doing freshman advising tomorrow, and I'm teaching a lot of freshmen this year--it's about my 23rd or so year of college teaching. During the first few weeks here, the freshmen will be very green: uncertain, a bit confused, a bit homesick. But the transformation that they undergo during the first semester always amazes me. The same freshmen who, back in August, couldn't figure out very much on their own, by December will be confident, capable, and savvy, well on their way to full adulthood. As much as it hurts to let them go (and I'll be sending my own kids off to school soon enough), know that they will almost certainly benefit from the experience--and you'll have a new and great relationship with them as self-sufficient (eventually) adults.

And schools are doing a much better job these days of helping students adjust to life away from home.

Going back a bit with this post but it got me thinking with some of the recent posts. It seems like with social media and texting college kids are communicating a lot more with their parents than they used to - every day even. My impression is that that's a big change from the past, though, I think I was a huge outlier in the other direction. In the 90s, I talked to my parents maybe two or three times between late August drop-off and Thanksgiving.

I probably could have used more parental guidance and a closer relationship with my parents. But part of it was that my parents were really old, had 3 kids before me, and maybe had an old-fashion view on things. I figure there has to be pros and cons to both approaches though. The greater emphasis on helping students adjust to life away from home sounds good on the one hand, but can't that also be counterproductive and have the exact opposite effect? Not at all saying I know any better, like I said, I think I would have been better off with more attentive parents, it's just really interesting to see those changes over the last few decades.

[Buccaneer]

+1 on the social media. We (Mrs.Bucc/I, plus our son) probably average 50 texts a day. It's not because of loneliness or need but because it's football season there's been tons to text about.

Our son adjusted very quickly and well, he's really in the perfect place for him. The only struggle he's having is being exhausted all of the time, not having the stamina to complete a long paper or hours of homework. That will come as he did take a gap year and is a little rusty.

Now he is off with his roommate (a huge Lions fan) for the local sports bar to watch the game tonight.

[Ksyrup]

Caitlin's doing well adjusting, but I know her schedule has been overwhelming. She's got 18 hours plus softball which means workouts every other morning plus 2-3 hours of practice every afternoon and she has to squeeze in an hour of pitching 3 times a week.

After fall break things get easier as they just do individual workouts/practices instead of team. Of course, in the spring she's going to be on the road for 6 straight weeks and playing 50-55 games over 3 months, so this semester's going to feel like a breeze by comparison. I'm glad she plays a spring sport and has this semester to adjust. I can't imagine how freshman soccer/volleyball/football players do it, starting their seasons before or right as fall semester starts.

[AENeuman]

Any tips on personal statements?

The person in charge of it at my school is checking out more and more every year. Now lots of students are coming to me.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by AENeuman

Any tips on personal statements?

The person in charge of it at my school is checking out more and more every year. Now lots of students are coming to me.

Be you ... but don't get carried away with it. If your passion in life is, say, dipping people in chocolate pudding to get your jollys, probably best to keep that to yourself. Stay within spittin' distance of some recognizable social conventions.

And "know thy school", different things will likely fly at different places.

Have known a couple of people who likely blew a chance by failing to do both of those things.

[Logan]

I'm gonna need you fuckers to stop posting in this thread, or at least change the title to something like "New Recipes Containing Bananas!", because I don't know if my heart can handle seeing this thread for the next 17 years.

[Edward64]

Awwww. It'll be okay.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Lemme tell you a story, JUST in case it happens to somebody else.

Things you do NOT want to have happen: phone rings, caller ID shows a number in the town where your kid is at school, you pick up and hear "I need to speak with the parent of {your kid's name here}" ...

The time between me saying "this is he" and "I'm with the Ole Miss Family Association and wanted to discuss a donation ..." is one of the longer gaps in time I've had in quite a while.

Dunno what idiot came up with their script but they're in the wrong line of work.

[Ksyrup]

I almost never answer calls for numbers I don't know, even in that situation. If it's important, they'll leave a message and I'll find out a minute later.

I've noticed the latest thing is for phone numbers to be disguised using the area code and 3 digit prefix of my cell number. Am I supposed to look at that, recognize it as familiar and be more likely to answer it because it looks familiar? Same thing happens to my wife, too, and she's got a different prefix.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

I almost never answer calls for numbers I don't know, even in that situation. If it's important, they'll leave a message and I'll find out a minute later.

Nobody else in that town is calling me, I knew he'd been a little under the weather, and it was rush week.

Basically zero percent chance I'm not picking up that call tbh.

[Edward64]

Son is back for Fall Break. We weren't thinking he would make it back but we got him a plane ticket.

Nice to see him again. Doing okay in college, getting along with roommate etc.

[Schmidty]

What a nice thread this is.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Edward64

Son is back for Fall Break. We weren't thinking he would make it back but we got him a plane ticket.

Nice to see him again. Doing okay in college, getting along with roommate etc.

That first visit back is a good one.

[JAG]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Lemme tell you a story, JUST in case it happens to somebody else.

Things you do NOT want to have happen: phone rings, caller ID shows a number in the town where your kid is at school, you pick up and hear "I need to speak with the parent of {your kid's name here}" ...

The time between me saying "this is he" and "I'm with the Ole Miss Family Association and wanted to discuss a donation ..." is one of the longer gaps in time I've had in quite a while.

Dunno what idiot came up with their script but they're in the wrong line of work.

I'm coming in late here, but that is messed up.

[Ksyrup]

Same here, Caitlin's home until Tuesday.

Had a great day. Went to UK softball game versus WKU and it was like a travel ball reunion. Several of her former teammates playing and a few others came because they were home.

[Edward64]

Son is back for Christmas break.

We had gotten used to him being gone but things are back to "before the new normal".