A Parental Crash Course for HM

[cuervo72]

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh_t! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

[CamEdwards]

You forgot #26: Cocky and funny won't help you avoid changing diapers.

[Fritz]

who is this HM and why is he getting advice here?

[scooper]

Who the hell lets their kids play with bleach and brake fluid?

[cuervo72]

Originally posted by scooper
Who the hell lets their kids play with bleach and brake fluid?

Damn good question...looking at a lot of these, if the mother wasn't anonymous (assuming any of these are actually real), she might have been getting a visit from some friendly child welfare folks.

[cuervo72]

Originally posted by CamEdwards
You forgot #26: Cocky and funny won't help you avoid changing diapers.

It might throw your teacher for a loop though.

[T.C.M]

Originally posted by Fritz
who is this HM and why is he getting advice here?

ditto

T.C.M

[The Afoci]

TCM, HM is a legend of this board. Wait, no, he was a dumbass. I was thinking of someone else on the whole legend thing.

[CHEMICAL SOLDIER]

HM Stands for Horns Maniac ,one of the greatesat and most tragic figure in FOFC history .

[JeeberD]

Tragically moronic...

[Blade6119]

Originally posted by The Afoci
TCM, HM is a legend of this board. Wait, no, he was a dumbass. I was thinking of someone else on the whole legend thing.

Me?...we all know about blade6119 here at this board...most popular one of them all

[CamEdwards]

I'm not sure... but I think you have to be at least 18 and out of high school to be considered a legend.

[cuervo72]

Originally posted by CHEMICAL SOLDIER
HM Stands for Horns Maniac ,one of the greatesat and most tragic figure in FOFC history .

He's right up there with Othello, Romeo, Prometheus, Oedipus, and Art Schlichter.