A bad, bad week for wademoore and lordscarlet

[wade moore]

So first off - for those that don't know lordscarlet on this board is my twin brother.

I'm not usually one to post much about my personal life on these boards, but I have a long, rambling post to make just because this is a good place to get emotions out at certain times. Plus, even though I do shade my personal life away from the boards I do feel like the people here are a close group of friends so I want them to hear about this stuff.

Anyway.

I need to start with the backstory: Our mother left our father 25 years ago when we were 3. She left because he was an alcoholic and wouldn't stop drinking. Through our childhood we saw our father every other weekend and for long weeks in the summer. While not as close to him as our mother, we kept a strong relationship with him. In adulthood we have seen him less, especially me because I moved about 150 miles away. Through this time he has continued to drink, but has never been a violent, angry, whatever drunk. Anyway, because of the relationship we have I talk to my father maybe every 2-3 weeks on the phone for an hour or so. Besides that we e-mail/IM now and then and I see him when I come up for holidays, and that's probably about it. lordscarlet is a bit closer with him because he lives within 20 minutes, plus he lived with my dad for about 6 months while he was between selling one house and buying another. When I do talk to my dad he does frustrate me sometimes and I know that I can't get off of the phone in a reasonable amount of time. This means often times if I'm busy and he calls or IM's I'll ignore it in order to call him when it is more convenient to me.

Ok, so fast forward to last weekend. On Saturday morning I woke up with the plans to do a ton of yardwork since the leaves were starting to fall. Just before I had out I get an IM from my dad. 90% of the time I would have just ignored it and gone about my business. Instead, I decided that I could talk to him while I picked up the large sticks, etc. before mowing. I call him and I'm telling a story about my flag football game the night before. He asks me a question and I can't understand what he's asking (this happens often with my dad just as a quirk with him). So he asks it again. This happens about 5 times before I say, "It sounds like you're talking a foreign language" to give him a hard time. Then it hits.

He says, "Somethings happened."

We get into talking and essentially when he's talking the wrong words are coming out. He was trying to tell me about his oil furnace/heater for instance and kept saying the "oil burner".

So, to get my mindset at this moment I have to backup again. About 10 years ago our maternal grandparents were traveling cross-country in their RV. They were in Texas and this same thing happened to my grandmother. They went to a doctor, he found nothing wrong (didn't do any CT Scan or anything) and sent her on her way. Two weeks later while visiting her normal doctor she started to feel some numbness in her right arm. Before they could even get her on the doctor's exam bed her entire right side had gone limp. She had a brain aneurism. For the next 5 years or so she was completely unable to communicate (baby talk is all she could get out, couldn't understand enough to nod and shake her head, etc) and paralyzed on the right side of her body. She had to have 24 hour care (provided by an at-home aid during the day combined with her husband and in the evening by their children).

So, I panic. I tell him he has to IMMEDIATELY go to the hospital. I tell him that if he won't/can't that I'd call 911. It took me around an hour and a half to two hours to finally convince him to go to the hospital. Unfortunately LS was visiting New York, so he couldn't just go over there and force him to go. A BIG reason for him not being willing to go to the hospital is that he has not had health insurance for about 10 years. He was laid off from a job he worked at for like 25 or so years. He has worked in various subcontracting type capacities and has a pretty large savings from the sale of a house in Northern Virginia (he now lives in his fathers house that he got in inheritance), etc. But he was just stubborn and would never get health insurance. So, he finally went to the hospital.

By the time he got there his speech was perfectly fine again. However, he had a blood pressure of 260/170. As if that's not scary enough he told the doctors, "Oh, it's always like that - I measure it once a month or so". Back when he had health insurance he was on blood pressure medicine - but after he didn't have health insurance any more he just stopped.

So they did CT Scans, etc. because they figured he had a clot in his brain. In the meantime the put him in the cardiac unit at Fairfax Hospital to work on getting his blood pressure under control.

LS was able to get to the hospital Sunday morning (for all of Saturday and Saturday night my Uncle was there). Apparently some time Sunday the speech thing happened again. It was off and on for periods. I got there Monday morning and it was in the ok range but since about 10:00 AM Monday morning until now it's been pretty bad. At times he can't get any words out and in his best moments he can get 2-3 words of a sentence out.

I'm going to try not to give too much blow by blow at this point. Long story short he has a complete blockage of an artery in the left hemisphere of his brain. The various CTs/MRIs/etc show that he has had some sort of clot for years. They know this because new blood vessels have grown to compensate and bring oxygen to those parts of the brain. Their best guess at this point is that it was a partial blockage until sometime just before this happened a piece of plaque in his carotid broke off and finally 100% blocked it. For whatever reason they cannot just remove the clot (way bigger risk to removing it than leaving it). They say an arterial bypass surgery may be an option, but that's something that they wait somewhere between 6 weeks to 6 months to perform because of the high risk - they want to first see how the body copes.

So, his current situation here as of Saturday, a week later. As I said earlier, his speech situation is a problem (called Expressive Aphasia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aphasia). It's the same if he tries to write - a word here or there is perfectly fine, the rest is garbled. He hasn't been able to type at all. He has some sagging on the right side of his face. He has full strength in all of his limbs. His right hand has some.... I'll call it "dexterity" issues. For instance, when he uses a fork it's awkward. He has some trouble using a pen, etc. Then he has some what the doctors seem to refer to as "reasoning" issues. For a small example I've seen him put his fork in his drink. There are other ways this manifests itself, but for the most part he understands what is going on, etc.

Because of all of this they say that he will need someone with him 24/7 when he leaves the hospital - which right now they are saying is tomorrow. They don't know for how long, but they don't want him to say put a newspaper on the stove because of the reasoning issues. They say it could be as little as two weeks, but for all we know it could be a lifetime.

At this point LS has been with him all through the day from Sunday until now. I drove up Monday morning, but had to come back to work, etc and drove back Wednesday night. I'll be heading back up tomorrow morning in hopes of helping getting him back home. Then if we have to we'll alternate weeks for a couple of weeks before getting homecare of some kind if it becomes long term. LS has been awesome and pretty willing to do whatever it takes - including considering moving him and his wife in if it becomes super long term. Unfortunately I'm in a tough spot of having my life down here and I'm less able to do these things, putting a heavy burden on him.

------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, so.. that's the story.. I've told it 100 times this week. What I haven't done, that this forum makes me a little more able to do, is to just spit out some of the emotional stuff I've gone through. I've really roller-coastered through many emotions throughout the process so I'm just going to try and explain them all just to get it off of my chest.

FEAR: This of course was my most immediate reaction. For all of the issues we've had through life, he's still my father and I love him very much. To see a guy who has always been so independent, my go-to for home improvement, yard work, etc advice - to suddenly not even be able to put sentences together is pretty devastating. I was afraid for how bad it would get. Afraid for whether he might not live through it.

ANGER: Angry at him for not having health insurance. First because it was causing him to delay treatment, then because it could potentially drain much of his savings making the very good decisions he's made with money null and void. He was set up very well at 59 to be able to not work or work very little, yet still be able to maintain his life style for decades. Now - who knows. The fact that he has this much savings will make him ineligible for all/most aid and merely put a big dent in it. Anger for the fact that he has let his blood pressure be out of control. Anger for the fact that he has continued to drink (told the doctor a 6 pack a night).

GUILT: Guilt for being 150 miles away and not able to be there to the full extent that LS has. Guilt that in the long-term I'll be no more able to help than I am now - I'll be lucky to see him every month or so. Guilt that through 28 years of life LS and I have never tried to stop him from drinking. I've always had the mindset that if his wife leaving him with his two kids wasn't enough, what am I going to do? Every time I read about strokes, TIA's, etc and I see the "increased risk if you drink more than 2 beers a night" this guilt hits me again.

ANXIETY: Anxious about the future. I hope he can make a full or close to full recovery. How will I deal with it if my father can never fully communicate again? How will I maintain a long distance relationship with him if he can't talk on the phone? Who will I go to for all of the many things I used to call him for advice on?

HOPE: Hope every time he puts 3 words together. Hope when I see him walk around the hospital with no problem. And hope when I hear how much many stroke victims can recover.

I'm sure there are more emotions, but I'm drained just typing it.

Thanks for letting me get it at all out. I'm not really seeking advice in this post, more just getting it out - but I'm more than willing to take any advice from anyone that has gone through this or has professional experience with it. I'm willing to answer any/all questions if anyone is curious, but my online time will be spotty here and there especially when I go back to the hospital/etc tomorrow.

I think LS will probably try and post at some point too, but since he's at the hospital every day I know it's been a week since he has checked FOFC.

[Flasch186]

sorry to hear that. I wish you and your family well.

[Logan]

Wow, don't really know where to start besides wishing you guys, your dad, and your family all the best, and that we'll be here when you both need it.

[lordscarlet]

Just doing a quick reply -- fix your typo about the dangerousness of putting a newspaper on "stuff."

Seriously, though. I'm drained and headed to the hospital again. I was planning to get a "day off" tomorrow with Wade coming up, but hopefully Dad is going home tomorrow so I will want to be there for that.

I would also like to add one quick thing about all of this: I am very, very impressed and surprised at how well Dad has taken all of this. He has not once gotten visibly angry or depressed. There was one time that he was dosing into a nap and said, "I'm sorry." Not knowing my father, none of you know that he says this very often on a regular basis for very minor things. Being with him now for about 12 hours a day for 6 days and only hearing it once is amazing. He has also been completely willing to sit and go through flash cards and pictures to practice words with me. I am very proud of him for how cooperative and good spirited he has been through all of this.

[terpkristin]

Wade and Lordscarlet,
I can't begin to imagine what you guys are going through, I'll be keeping you both (and your family) in my thoughts. I guess if there's one "silver lining" here it's that if you're going to get sick, being in Northern Virginia isn't a bad place to do it, the hospitals up here are great...

LS, if there's anything you need that a local gal can do to help out, let me know.

Hoping for the best
/tk

[Eaglesfan27]

My prayers are with both of you and your dad. I've mentioned it on IHOF, but I'll mention it again here. My mom had a stroke about 10 years ago and it was one of the scariest times of my life. She also had good collateral profusion and she has recovered almost completely, but it took several months of hard rehab to gain most of her speech back and it took about a year for the rest of everything to come back. I doubt I can, but let me know if I can do anything for either of you guys.

[Lathum]

Sorry tohear guys. You and your family will both be in my thoughts.

[Passacaglia]

Originally Posted by lordscarlet

Just doing a quick reply -- fix your typo about the dangerousness of putting a newspaper on "stuff."

Seriously, though. I'm drained and headed to the hospital again. I was planning to get a "day off" tomorrow with Wade coming up, but hopefully Dad is going home tomorrow so I will want to be there for that.

I would also like to add one quick thing about all of this: I am very, very impressed and surprised at how well Dad has taken all of this. He has not once gotten visibly angry or depressed. There was one time that he was dosing into a nap and said, "I'm sorry." Not knowing my father, none of you know that he says this very often on a regular basis for very minor things. Being with him now for about 12 hours a day for 6 days and only hearing it once is amazing. He has also been completely willing to sit and go through flash cards and pictures to practice words with me. I am very proud of him for how cooperative and good spirited he has been through all of this.

That sounds really encouraging. I hope it all works out for the best!

[BYU 14]

Wade and lordscarlet, I wish your family well and hope everything works out for you.

Wade I know how guilt enters into emotions when you are far away from a loved one in their time of need, but your insistence on getting your Father to the Hospital has likely made a big difference in terms of his recovery. Hopefully you derive some comfort from that.

[A-Husker-4-Life]

I wish your family well in this time of uncertainty and if you ever need to talk, I'm always on AIM. CharlestonMon is my handle.

[Emiliano]

Sorry to hear that guys. I wish your family the best.

[Raiders Army]

My thoughts are with you both and you guys shouldn't feel any guilt. I lost my dad in April this year (mom in 1998), so I can empathize with you. Again, my thoughts are with both of you.

[Fonzie]

I'm very sorry to hear this wade and LS. I'll be keeping both of you and your dad in my thoughts.

[Antmeister]

Hope all goes well and this becomes the turning point for your father. In the end of this process, you guys will end up stronger than before and hopefully the recovery will go much more smoothly than you think.

[CamEdwards]

Wow, really sorry to hear about this fellas. I'll echo TK... if there's anything another local can help you with, please don't hesitate to ask.

[Buccaneer]

I am sorry to hear that.

[CraigSca]

Wow, sorry to hear this, guys. My mother's a diabetic (as am I) and she had a stroke earlier this year (she's 68). She was bad for a couple days but has since bounced back to the point where you wouldn't have any idea she had a stroke. It still weighs on our mind, but, when it comes to stroke, there are a lot of stories about people leading very normal lives.

My prayers go out to you...

[Barkeep49]

I am sorry to hear about this. You will be in my thoughts, wade and LS.

[sterlingice]

All the best to you two. I couldn't even begin to imagine what this would be like so that's all I can give.

SI

[MIJB#19]

Lordscarlet, I wished Wade the same things a couple of times, but the sentiments apply to you as well, of course. Good luck, stay strong and well wishes for your dad!

[oliegirl]

Sending good thoughts and prayers to both of you, as well as to your dad. I hope everything turns out ok. Please keep us posted.

[FrogMan]

got all of you in my thoughts guys, best of luck...

FM

[sachmo71]

ugh, sorry to hear this, guys.

[SnDvls]

sending all the good thoughts I can your way guys.

[King of New York]

Wade and LS,

I hope your dad can make a full and speedy recovery.

[molson]

He's definitely lucky to have a son like you around. I'm not sure I could step up.

[wade moore]

Welp... we got him home to his house about 2 hours ago. I'm going to stay with him here for a few days and hopefully work remotely for work while doing so.

Nothing has really changed with his state from what I wrote above. He came home and first thing wanted to take a shower.. so he did that about an hour ago by himself and then was so exhausted he laid down and is taking a nap.

This is going to be tough, but I'm glad he has the two of us here to help him through this. I can't imagine what this would be like for someone with no family - just awful to think about.

[Passacaglia]

Good luck, guys.

[wade moore]

So, the Phil Harris thread made me want to find this thread and figure out what kind of update we had given.

And, well, apparently none. I guess I needed an outlet right afterwords and then moved forward with my life.

LS could give more detail, but I'll try to sum it all up.

Late November of 2007 my father went back home. We both spent a lot of time with him early on, but as we moved forward I live 2 1/2 hours away and LS lives in the same general area (LS in DC, dad in Northern Virginia). So, LS began going over to his house twice a week to take care of food, medicines, etc.

Over the 3 years dad has progressed slowly at times, faster at others. He still has serious aphasia problems with speaking/writing. He can copy and paste words on the computer fine - and type things sometimes if he can look at them. Then some often repeated things, like specific passwords. He can write numbers well, and stumble through writing words. He has a white board handy that he uses for this purpose, to draw pictures to help, etc. He had speech therapy for 6-12 months (something like that) and he decided he wasn't getting much out of it. He can get words out here and there, and does well enough to prod for questions when you talk to him, but bringing up a completely new subject is tough. So, talking to him on the phone is more about talking about what I've been up to, etc and answering his questions.

He has started trying to stretch himself more. He drove by himself for the first time a few weeks ago, which scares me but encourages me. He has recently regained a lot of his sense of taste, is suddenly sleeping better (for the last 2 1/2 years he couldn't sleep more than an hour or two consecutively and generally around 4 a night - he told me he is sleeping 5-6 consecutively all of a sudden), and regained a lot of feeling in his "bad side".

As LS mentions above the most surprising thing is his attitude. Dad was always somewhat negative and frustrating, but all-in-all has really been positive about his condition. He's still dad at times, but not in relation to the troubles he's going through.

With his improvements LS is only going over once a week now and has talked about moving it to every other week. I try to come up and help, but it ends up not happening nearly as much as I should. I went up July 4th weekend, and that was the first time I'd seen him since Christmas. That was the longest I'd gone. LS is still preparing meals for him, etc - they're in a good routine of preparing something in the slow cooker that dad turns on the next day, while LS cooks a meal for that night. Then he does some microwave meals, etc and leftovers during the week.

Me personally - I deal with a fair amount of guilt. For not being up there more, for LS having to deal with all of the doctor stuff, for sometimes going long periods without talking to him on the phone because the combination of him being him and the talking is just hard for me to deal with sometimes. But, I think in a lot of ways it has made our relationship better - he's softened and not as negative, etc. I think it's done a TON for his relationship with LS, just because they're together so much.

Anyway, I digress, just thought I'd give an update.

[terpkristin]

Wow, wade. I'd forgotten about this. As weird as it sounds, it kinda sounds like it's been a kind of good thing for you 3...

I hope things continue to improve for him, and really, for the 3 of you.

/tk

[lordscarlet]

Originally Posted by terpkristin

Wow, wade. I'd forgotten about this. As weird as it sounds, it kinda sounds like it's been a kind of good thing for you 3...

I hope things continue to improve for him, and really, for the 3 of you.

/tk

I mean.. My wife and I basically have a 6 day week and a 1 day weekend. I appreciate that I've gotten closer to my father, but it is REALLY draining at times.