Blacky's Divorce/Dating Dynasty

[Blackadar]

Due to popular? demand, I'll detail my divorce and dating dynasty.

To start:

My wife of 10 years and I are splitting up. We're not splitting up as a trial separation - we're getting divorced.

We've been going out for about 15 years and started when we were Freshmen at college. I believe that when we married, we were very different people than we are today. I'll detail my wife's personality later, but suffice it to say she's a quiet, Southern Baptist girl and I'm a Yankee of another religion. Divorce is a tough concept for her, but I think she's relieved. She told me so and later said that "I think we're doing the right thing". Even after 10 years of marriage, she can surprise me...just not often enough and not in pleasant ways. I can't say it's been hell, but it hasn't been fun much. A word of advice - a controlling, dominant personality should NOT marry a manic-depressive. Bad combo, folks.

However, we haven't been at each other's throats much. We've just lived under the same roof, but not together for a long time. I think if we do this right, we'll be able to stay pretty good friends. We'll see...God, I hope so. If not, the lawyers will get everything because it'll be a war.

Plus, we have two dogs, a recently-purchased $200,000 home, two cars, credit-card payments...and, oh yes, a 3 year old son. This isn't going to be easy.

[Blackadar]

I think this will be a positive experience for all of us. We've never lived on our own, so it'll be a time to develop outside the boundaries of a failed marriage. I think my Son will ultimately benefit unless we really screw up. If we stayed together, I think we may do more damage. We just have to stay positive for his sake.

As for me, I have mixed emotions. I'm happy to get on my own, but there's a great big world out there that I've not been a part of for many years. I feel a bit like Rip Van Winkle. I've not had many "relations" with my wife in a long while as she's not attractive to me (and probably vice versa). I'm about 30 lbs overweight, but I'm a good guy and have a decent job. I guess I could attract a decent female.

Hell, I don't even know WHEN to begin dating. I feel I'm probably ready now, but if She Who Must Be Obeyed (well, no longer) found out, it could really get ugly. I guess there's a socially acceptable blackout period - the most common guess is 6 months - but I don't want to be a recluse for that long. I have NO idea what to do at this point. Well, since I'm not moving out until next weekend, there's no point in even thinking about it.

[Blackadar]

Ok, so the background is set. By the way, this is only a semi-dynasty. I'm looking for good advice. Keep the stupid stuff outta here, please.

As a mental "to-do" list is formed, I'll need to update you on the background of our marriage and give you a better feel for the wife and the reasons our marriage failed. This may be theraputic for me after all.

Wife, hmmm...seems like I shouldn't be using that term. But she's not an "ex" yet. "Estranged" is too confusing - what the hell does "estranged" mean? I can say I'm separated, but what status does that give her? If anyone has any good suggestions (hey, be nice!), please let me know.

Well, I move out next weekend. I had to go search for a place. SHE (that'll have to work for now) said I should stay, but I felt that if I did, it would cause too much conflict. Plus, how would she feel if I told her I have...feelings...for one of my employees in my office. Luckily, I'm not that stupid to tell the employee either - besides, she's married. The last thing I need at this point is to be out of a job. Plus, I want to prove that racist, sexist, dipshit prick of an ex-boss how much of a loser he was and that the office is wildly successful with me at the helm. Can't do that if I'm banging one of my sales reps on my desk. Oh well, back to the story...

So I decided to move. I'll have to come back to help with the yardwork and get the house ready to sell. SHE doesn't want to deal with that part of it. Fair enough. But I'm headed out. I went out to look at apartments during my day today (it's good to be the Boss). Probably saw 8 or so places in a couple of hours. Some good, some bad. I'm not sure how my budget is going to work out, so I wanted to be cost-conscious. But I didn't want to go cheap - the last cheap place I lived, a cop was shot to death.

So I came down to two places - one at $599 and one at $500 for a 1 bedroom at about 800 square feet. Damn, my house is like 2600 square feet. They both felt like cages. The one at $599 is beautiful - nice facilities, great layout, good workout room, gated community, gas fireplace, great neighborhood...the works. Of course, I chose the $500 place instead. Why? It just felt right...well, as right as it could feel. The one I'm renting is an older place, but the apartment just had a lot of work done to it (perhaps someone else was shot there, too?). The new carpet, flooring and new toilet were big plusses. Plus, it was almost $100 cheaper. It felt really weird, though. I haven't lived in an apartment for over 7 years. I'll need to get a lot of mirrors and good lighting to make it look bigger. Nothing over the bed yet, though. I'm not doing that until I drop those 30 lbs.

Oh, maybe there's one more reason I went with the cheaper apartment. The rental agents were really nice and *very* cute! And they live onsite and are single. I wonder if one would go out with me...? Any advice as to how long I should wait until I ask? If I asked now, I think I'd look like a total perv...

I'm dreading this weekend. Not only do I have to do a significant amount of yardwork in the rain, we need to draw up our property settlement. It shouldn't be that bad, but it's our first test in working together to see if we can still be friends and get through this. While I'm typing, SHE's out with her friends. I think if SHE had done this before, we may not be getting divorced! Oh well, that'll come later. This weekend is my last in this house...I'm hoping I can make it to Monday without any problems.

Finally, I ordered 30 28x14x16 boxes online for about $80 to be delivered next week. I'll use 'em, break 'em down and give them to HER to use. Oh, and I called the realtor and left her a message to come out. The For Sale sign will be up very soon. I don't want to miss the spring home selling season.

[illinifan999]

Since I'm young and inexperienced, I can only give you one bit of advice. GET THE DOGS!!!!!

[Blackadar]

Nope, the dogs aren't coming with me. Don't want to pay the pet deposit or have to deal with cleaning up the poo.

[cthomer5000]

Good move keeping the dogs out of the new place. As for the rental agents, I say 2 months minimum. You have to get beyond the point where it looks like you moved in there just to get a date.

good luck!

[Vince]

Hey, if it makes you feel better (probably not), my place is $2400 a month for a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom. I'd tend to agree with cthomer, wait about a month or two before you ask one of the rental agents...before that it's kind of awkward.

[Tarkus]

Originally posted by Vince
Hey, if it makes you feel better (probably not), my place is $2400 a month for a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom. I'd tend to agree with cthomer, wait about a month or two before you ask one of the rental agents...before that it's kind of awkward.

Actually, just ask them after you lose the 30 pounds. That'll probably take at least a few months.

Tarkus

[Blackadar]

Good one, Tarkus. Already working on it, though.

Ok, for my to-do list:

1. Tell you about HER and why we failed
2. Ask out rental agents after June 1

Missing anything?

[Blackadar]

Originally posted by Vince
Hey, if it makes you feel better (probably not), my place is $2400 a month for a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom. I'd tend to agree with cthomer, wait about a month or two before you ask one of the rental agents...before that it's kind of awkward.

Where the hell do you live, Beverly Hills?

[GoldenEagle]

Shouldn't this be in the dynasty forum?

[FrogMan]

Originally posted by Blackadar
Good one, Tarkus. Already working on it, though.

Ok, for my to-do list:

1. Tell you about HER and why we failed
2. Ask out rental agents after June 1

Missing anything?

Hmmm, start working out to lose that darn 30 pounds?
Good luck!

FrogMan

[Blackadar]

Already have, Frog, already have.

[GoldenEagle]

By the way, currenlty I live in a podunk Arkansas town, so rent here is real cheap. A decent 2 bedroom apartment with a washer, dryer, and a frig to keep beer in will run you about $375 a month. No utilities paid though.

Just thought I would throw that out there.

[ColtCrazy]

On the dating thing, I assume Blacky you are just at the stage of wanting to have fun and be social with someone. Just take a que from them, if they seem interested, persue things slowly. A time from is kind of difficult, if they were interested, it would be okay to go out for dinner before things were completely finalized. Otherwise, wait until it is final before you are "out on the prowl".

Best of luck to you.

[SFL Cat]

Do you think posting all this stuff here is a particularly good idea? Unless, of course, you're substituting posting here for therapy.

[Jets80]

I would wait till after the divorce is final before trying to date any women so that you don't upset the wife and give her lawyers any more reasons to try and stick it to you.

[Blackadar]

1. Why not post it here?

2. As for dating, I'm not currently looking. However, I'm not going to wait a year before starting. I'm not turning into a monk for a year.

[Easy Mac]

ok so you're posting here at 10 pm on a friday... so day 1 of the dynasty was unsuccesful

and if you dont score, can it really be considered a dynasty... i think you have to reach chaimberlain proportions for that.

[MizzouRah]

Originally posted by Easy Mac
ok so you're posting here at 10 pm on a friday... so day 1 of the dynasty was unsuccesful

and if you dont score, can it really be considered a dynasty... i think you have to reach chaimberlain proportions for that.

LOL!

Go out of your way to peek in on the rental agents from time to time. Do you have to go to the office to get your mail? If so, that would be a perfect way to start leaving your scent.

If you catch one of them looking at your with your periphial vision, you have a shot.

Damn, I forgot what it was like to flirt.

Good Luck!


Todd

[Blackadar]

SHE WMBO came in about 9:00 PM. Guess I'm not the only one who is still figuring out how to be single. Besides, I'm trying to be on my best behavior until I'm out of the house. I'm not going wild once I'm gone, but I don't want to do anything until I'm in my pad. I'm a bit strange that way, but this is the Mother of my child and the lady I've spent almost 15 years with - I damn well better have some respect for her. I've refused to even pursue anything until that time. However, once I'm out of the house, I'm considering us divorced. I'll need some time to get my head together and I want to shape up a bit, but other than that, I should be able to start meeting folks.

Got off the stairmaster tonight. Damn, I forgot how much that sucks. I have a GREAT machine - health club quality and I got it for $400. It's like $2k new. That's why I'm getting a ground-floor apartment. If I was upstairs, they'd have to reinforce the floor if I was stomping away. Also broke out the 25 lbs weights. They're heavier than I remember too.

I'll never be thin - it's just not in the cards for me. I'm only about 5' 8" and it's about impossible to get under 180 pounds. I'm just really...solid. I'm really not that concerned with my physical appearance. It's just that I'm so totally out of shape that it's pitiful. I want to get back into hiking shape - a mountain is a great place to take a date, but not if I'm keeling over of a heart attack while climbing it. Plus, those property ladies are good motiviation...I'm really looking forward to a workout room. I figure I'll use it quite a bit to kill some time.

Interestingly enough, I'm going without TV for a while. The 'puter is enough of a time sink. So the only TV I'll have access to will be the one in the workout room. That'll work pretty well...until I go crazy and buy a plasma screen from Best Buy one day.

[MizzouRah]

until I go crazy and buy a plasma screen from Best Buy one day.

My wife just smiles when I show her the $12,000 plasma TV I want.

"Keep dreaming" she calmly says.


Todd

[Buzzbee]

Wife, hmmm...seems like I shouldn't be using that term. But she's not an "ex" yet. "Estranged" is too confusing - what the hell does "estranged" mean? I can say I'm separated, but what status does that give her? If anyone has any good suggestions (hey, be nice!), please let me know.

How about Future Ex? Statement of fact. Not condescending (gawd! How the FUCK do you spell condescending??). NOT SWMBO, since that really doesn't apply anymore.

[mrskippy]

Hey, if it makes you feel better (probably not), my place is $2400 a month for a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom. I'd tend to agree with cthomer, wait about a month or two before you ask one of the rental agents...before that it's kind of awkward.

Where the hell do you live, Beverly Hills?

Heck, that'd probably be a bargain in Beverly Hills. California is expensive to begin with. The dot-com era really screwed things up price wise and it's just now starting to settle a bit in the recession.

[Craptacular]

I'd go for "ex-elect".

[Anthony]

the only way i would care to continue reading is if you tell how YOU messed up the relationship as well. it's no fun reading one side of a story, not like your future ex can come here and defend herself. if you can keep it honest then this should be entertaining.

[Vince]

Originally posted by mrskippy
Heck, that'd probably be a bargain in Beverly Hills. California is expensive to begin with. The dot-com era really screwed things up price wise and it's just now starting to settle a bit in the recession.

Skippy's hit it on the head...CA rent is ridiculous unless you're in Bakersfield or some other in-the-middle-of-nowhere place.

Plus, the only people living where I do (Isla Vista...about 1 square mile, and there's about 10,000 college students living in that square mile) are college students, so the landlords know they can screw us for rent.

Sounds like you have a good plan there Blackie...hopefully things work out for you

Can't imagine not having a TV though. I only watch for sports and stuff, but still...

[Blackadar]

Interesting weekend. It's been sort of a catharsis for me (us?). Oh, don't get me wrong, we're still splitting up. It's just much of the "baggage" is now gone.

We sent the 3 year old to stay with her Mom (who still doesn't know what's going on) so we could work and talk this weekend. Essentially, it just comes down to I can't be what she wants and she can't be what I need. So we need to split up to give her time to figure out who she is. I've never been able to accept her when she tries to establish her independence, so it's a good thing that I'm leaving. It's not easy to understand from the outside looking in, though.

Here's a bit of history. She was the product of a failed family that wouldn't split up due to religious reasons. It should have, but didn't. Her Mom is very manupulative and her Dad is very distant. Well, when we met in college, I was probably the first person who could/would stand up to her Mom. That allowed her to break away from her family situation. However, she went from one dominant personality to another. I, on the other hand, needed someone to protect, so it was good for me. Things are much different now. More on that another time as I figure it out. Needless to say, if her Mom wasn't an overbearing bitch, we probably never would have gotten married. Ok, back to our regularly scheduled story, already in progress.

We laughed together, cried together (well, she cried, I just got something in my eye) and even shopped for supplies for my apartment together. I showed her where I was going to live - she didn't have any major objections. We even discussed dating other people - I think I'm further along on that than she is. She needs time to spread her wings for herself. I'm a bit more comfortable with myself, so I'm a bit more ready to face the world on my own again. We divvied up the possessions, child care and support. It's as I figured. She's getting most everything, but I'm getting what I want - my freedom, time with my son, my car and 'puter. I'm also getting one other thing I didn't expect: my friend back. We've been really good to each other this weekend.

Did a lot of work around the house. Mulched the entire front yard (about 75 cubic feet of mulch), weeded, mowed and planted a couple of plants and some flowers to make the house look more attractive. Just when I get it how I like it, I'm selling it. Go figure. The manual labor was good for both of us. We even managed to work together without saying a cross word. First time in years.

We also told my parents. That was a lot tougher as they are the product of previously failed marriages that got ugly. They just don't/can't understand why we need to split before it turns ugly. They're coming down in about 10 days. Yippie, shoot me now. My folks mean the best, but they have a way of bringing out the worst in me.

I checked out some of the dating sites. I guess I'll need to get a picture uploaded eventually. I'm not ready yet. I still need some time to myself and time to work out and get in shape. Another couple of weeks mulching and I think I'd be a long way to getting fit, but I have to return to the desk job tomorrow. I'm in Baltimore most of next week and then I move out next weekend. I'm looking forward to it.

[Schmidty]

No offense to Blackadar, but this is the most depressing thread I've ever read.

I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful girl, and I can't imagine growing apart from her. But I guess it can happen, and that's why this thread is such a bummer.

Good luck.

[robbgmaier]

Actually, this doesn't seem depressing at all. Most of the time it's one trying to screw over the other, living vicariously through the agony and despair of the person they supposedly once loved.

I'm waiting for the part where blacky and the ex decide to meet for lunch to catch up, sparks fly again, one thing leads to another, etc.

Then, maybe, it will get depressing.

[Easy Mac]

2 words for you

Male strip club

[Tarkus]

Originally posted by Easy Mac
2 words for you

Male strip club

Um, that's three words.

Tarkus

[GrantDawg]

edit. Sent it pm.

[Blackadar]

Actually GD, we did consider it. We went...

Since it's edited, GD had a good point: marriage counciling.

One of the weirder stories of our marriage. She's Southern Baptist...I'm something else - not Protestant in any case.

We decided to go to counciling. She made the appointment and we were on our merry way. When I get there, there's nobody in the lobby, so we have a few minutes. The place looked like hell. I noticed a few odd items - a picture of Jesus and a cross on the wall. Weird.

Then I notice a bunch of pamphlets and I pick one up to read. Ug. It's a Christian marriage counciling service. That uses "the teachings of our God and Savior Jesus Christ to bring families back together". Ummm...this may not work. Then I look around a bit and it was all Christain stuff - Bibles, books, music...the works. I got the hell out of there and man was I pissed off. Of course, she got pissed off because I walked out.

We spent 15 minutes in the parking lot just screaming at each other. She's yelling that I agreed to go and to give it a chance. I'm yelling about how I feel that this was a set-up and that I'm "outnumbered" since I'm not a believer. Besides, how can you use the teachings and methods from a religion that I don't believe. The marriage councilor came out in the parking lot and asked us to keep it down. It was NOT a good scene and we got in the car and left. We haven't tried since.

[GrantDawg]

There are plenty of non-religous marriage counsellors. Why don't you find the cousellor and make the appointment this time. That way it'll be on your own terms.

[Anthony]

i think i'm gonna stop reading this. there's a reason why i don't watch all those reality tv shows. it's just i don't care about other people's lives on a personal level. still trying to figure out why stuff of this personal nature is on this board. yes, we're all a community here somewhat, but i always assumed our baggage was checked at the front door cuz there's things that other people just shouldn't know. just me. nevermind, i'll go on to the other threads.

[Schmidty]

Originally posted by Hell Atlantic
i think i'm gonna stop reading this. there's a reason why i don't watch all those reality tv shows. it's just i don't care about other people's lives on a personal level. still trying to figure out why stuff of this personal nature is on this board. yes, we're all a community here somewhat, but i always assumed our baggage was checked at the front door cuz there's things that other people just shouldn't know. just me. nevermind, i'll go on to the other threads.

That's funny. I recall a few threads about your wedding and bachelor party a few months back. I believe that could be considered information of a "personal nature".

[NYFAN]

I find it interesting and I hope to learn something from it so I don't make the same mistakes... and who knows maybe i'll be able to offer something... plus it's good to talk your problems out, and the fact that I don't think he knows anyone here outside the board it's a lot easier to spill your guts...

[Fritz]

Blackadar,

I find music helps to provide inspiration. This song may help you gain perspective on your transition.

As far as dating goes, I would modle my social attitude after this song.

Best,

Fritz

[Blackadar]

Those were...enlightening, Fritz. I'll make sure I consider that point of view.

[AgPete]

Sorry to hear about all of this. Sounds like you're really crushed by it. I'm with Schmidty, stories like these really bring me down about marriage. I guess the divorces after 1-3 years really don't mean much to me, usually most people could see it coming but hearing about divorces after 10+ years of marriage, kids and everything else is disheartening. Out of curiosity, why did you pick a married woman in the office as a possible "rebound" girlfriend? Did I miss something? Does she cheat on her husband? Either way, it doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship after a divorce. Looks like you two won't have a nasty divorce which is good, especially for the kid. I know what you mean about finding your friend again. One of my best friends is my ex-fiance. We had a nasty breakup but started talking again after a few years and still confide in each other, we just don't have the same spark anymore and realize it won't come back. We're great friends but if we take it any further, the storm begins! Wow! You've been with your wife since your freshman year of college? So you never really had much of a chance to be seriously involved with anyone else except high school sweethearts? This must be new ground for you. Good luck. I'm sure it will all work out. Good luck on the new exercise routine too.

[WussGawd]

Hey, Blackadar, I just wanted to let you know that you are doing an incredibly brave thing in searching your feelings and writing about them.

I've been married a month shy of 17 years, but we almost didn't make it out of the 5th one. Our marriage sounds like it was a lot like yours in the beginning She had a very domineering, dysfunctional set of parents, and I represented a way to rebel. Ultimately though, we found that we did have more in common in that.

Ironically, our marriage got better because we both took the time to find ourselves, and to like ourselves again. I encourage you to do the same. Find the things you like to do, and particularly the things you like to do with others (not necessarily with the opposite sex), and do them.

We also did the marriage counselling thing. It helped turn the corner.

Despite the previous negative experience, I would encourage you and the future-ex to consider marriage counselling (non-religious). Contrary to the way the popular media portrays it, marriage counselling isn't always useful to saving a marriage. In fact, a good counsellor will quite often tell you if he/she doesn't think it can be saved, and aid in the healing process. What it can do is help you both from repeating the same mistakes in a future relationship (and I've seen a lot of couples/friends do that, unfortunately).

As for when to start dating again, or going after the rental agents, you seem like a pretty decent guy...go with your gut and you'll probably be timing it perfectly.

Anyway, keep it up, and let us know how it goes, and don't let anyone else tell you with certainty they know what is best for you.

Stu

[Blackadar]

Out of curiosity, why did you pick a married woman in the office as a possible "rebound" girlfriend? Did I miss something? Does she cheat on her husband? Either way, it doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship after a divorce.

Sorry if I gave that impression. I know that can't work - she's married and she reports to me. I don't feel like losing my job and wrecking someone else's marriage, so I can't pursue her. However, my feelings toward her did help me to decide that my marriage wasn't healthy for either me or my ex-elect.

[Mountain]

My advice. (For what its worth)

Don't even think about starting to date yet. What are you going to do? Tell the girl you're seeing "I can't be with you the whole weekend because I have to go take care of the yard for my ex."

She's going to look at you and say "UNRESOLVED BAGGAGE." Now, this may not be true in your mind but it APPEARS that way.

Also I was in a relationship for three years and broke it off three months before our wedding. I know this doesn't reach the same degree as your relationship but from this experience I can say that me as a member of a couple was completely different from me as an individual.

You have to get a chance to get to know yourself again. And gauging that you've been in a relationship with the same woman since you were eighteen, you haven't known yourself as an individual since you were a teenager. I guaruntee you don't really know yourself yet and the things you do or want to do will suprise you over the next couple of years.

Also wait to lose the thirty pounds because you will have a really good feeling about yourself after accomplishing that goal. You don't want to start your new dating career both physically and emotionally insecure. Just my two cents.

Good Luck.

[Blackadar]

Time for my 3 day business trip and not a moment too soon. I need the time away from this emotional roller coaster. When I get back, I'll be busy packing and moving on Saturday, so keep this thread bumped up if you want it to continue.

Originally posted by Blackadar
Time for my 3 day business trip and not a moment too soon. I need the time away from this emotional roller coaster. When I get back, I'll be busy packing and moving on Saturday, so keep this thread bumped up if you want it to continue.

Why can't you just add to it whenever you get back? Who cares if it has fallen to page 25 by then? Just post whenever you feel the urge. You can't expect us to keep bumping threads about your personal life while you are gone. It is not like you are HornsManiac or anything even similar.

Maybe when this thread is over I will go back and tell the community how I would have handled the situation if I were in your shoes??? Hint: I would not wait to introduce myself to the girls in the office. I also would not put off dating while I worked off a few extra pounds. Those things show you have a low self-esteem and almost no self-confidence and that is not attractive to any woman. For the most part women don't care about physical appearance nearly as much as men do. They care about personality, attitude, and how you challenge them and make them feel good. If you have the rest of "it" together your extra pounds won't mean a thing to them.

HornsManiac

[Draft Dodger]

this is the first time seeing this thread - very interesting.

I don't know that it's depressing at all - seems like you guys both are going to be better off in the long run.

I will add this - my wife and I have been married for almost 4 years (and been together for about 7). I cannot envision our marriage being any better than it is.

I say this not to brag, but because of the reason behind it. We both agree that the reason for this is that we both really knew OURSELVES extremely well from the beginning. It made everything so much easier.

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by HornsManiac
Why can't you just add to it whenever you get back? Who cares if it has fallen to page 25 by then? Just post whenever you feel the urge. You can't expect us to keep bumping threads about your personal life while you are gone. It is not like you are HornsManiac or anything even similar.

Maybe when this thread is over I will go back and tell the community how I would have handled the situation if I were in your shoes??? Hint: I would not wait to introduce myself to the girls in the office. I also would not put off dating while I worked off a few extra pounds. Those things show you have a low self-esteem and almost no self-confidence and that is not attractive to any woman. For the most part women don't care about physical appearance nearly as much as men do. They care about personality, attitude, and how you challenge them and make them feel good. If you have the rest of "it" together your extra pounds won't mean a thing to them.

HornsManiac

FOOL!!!!!

Originally posted by The Afoci
FOOL!!!!!

I will submit it for the QOTM, because it is so well thought out and original.

HornsManiac

Originally posted by HornsManiac
I will submit it for the QOTM, because it is so well thought out and original.

Done.

HornsManiac