HGR'S AWFL TSANAAB Divisional Rankings

[mjd113]

Hey there. It's me, HGR, your friendly neighborhood.. uh.. Force Commando? Forget I said anything.

It has finally come. The day we have all been waiting for. All 32 team reveals have been completed and everyone knows who is what and where is why. This begs a new question though. Whomst of these multiple handfuls of people will come through in the clutch, who will throw down the gauntlet, and any other idioms you can think of for being not bad at Madden.

And without further ado, I would like to present to you all..

HGR'S TSANAABDR

Which if you didn't know, scoff, stands for HGR's Totally Scientific and not at all Biased Division Rankings!

Yeah that's right. Who better than me, besides Kanyon obviously, to go through each division, rank them by division, while also continuing to write very long run on sentences and sarcastically talking crap about each team?

Probably a lot of people, but you're stuck with me, so lets get to it!

TIER: UNRANKABLE

Division: AFC NORTH
Yeah that's right, The AFC North is unrankable, why you ask? Well it's easy really, like good and evil, the AFCN is all about perspective. From HGR's (that's me) perspective the AFCN is a cake walk and will be easy to win. From everyone else in the divisions perspective, it's literally unwinnable. It's simple math people. But Let's go through and see how each team "stacks up" like it matters amirite?

Browns - HGR
The man with the tightest fitting GM hats and coolest clothes, HGR (I promise I'll stop talking in third person soon) finally comes back home to the Browns, and what a stacced (with two c's) team he comes into. Easily the best roster HGR has ever had to start out, and potentially one of the best S1 rosters in Madden in a long time. If HGR messes this up then it's just proof that he absolutely got screwed over somehow and it's clearly no fault of his own. MOVING ON.

Bengals - CoachLewis
Wait a minute that doesn't say NB. What kind of shenanigans are in play here? How am I supposed to have the real battle of Ohio twice every season without NB? Fine whatever.
CoachLewis, if that is his real name, comes to a very young and upcoming Bengals roster. The OL and Defense could still use some retooling, but skill position wise he is basically set for the cycle. Now here's hoping he gets stuck with a Playbook that doesn't have any Read Option in it.

Ravens - Rmoons
I DON'T GET NB OR BMORE? WHAT KIND OF-
It's fine. It's fine, we'll be fine.
Rmoons is a new user to the league, and he comes in to a pretty established roster. The only reason he's not the first loser of the AFCN is because I've never seen him play. He could easily come in and dominate with a young WR corps and fast boi Lamar. But hopefully (I'm sorry) Mrs. Jackson and he can lock in a solid 50 mil per year contract before the cycle starts.

Steelers - Nellycuz
Finally someone I'm used to or don't openly hate. Nelly can surprise some people with a solid Steelers defense and if he focuses on rebuilding the OL in front of Najee Harris and somehow finds a new QB soon he could slowly work his way back up into contention for first loser of the AFCN himself.

Season 1 Winner: Duh, Me
Best Cycle Outlook: Lol, also me

TIER: ABRREVIATION

Division: NFC EAST
Seriously, Anthropic Pawn is now forever known as AP, because I refuse to have a division with BR, CT, KB, and then one dude with a full *** name. Just isn't going to happen.

Eagles - BR
Br gets the top spot to start out due to being in my opinion the best overall user in the division and while not having a "good" team, has a pretty solid Madden roster to start with. If Jalen can become anything he will be ahead of the pack due to Philly hoarding a bunch of draft picks (call me) that can set him up for an even brighter cycle.

WFT - CTfromDC
CT struggled a lot in M21, first on the Titans and then on his hometown WFT. Luckily for him WFT continues to be STACCED on defense and has loaded up the offense with some speed at WR. He will need to find a QB soon but luckily enough for him there is no RNG built in that I know about that determines whether or not he gets FitzMagic or Tragic for season one.

Cowboys - Anthropic Pawn
The anthropic principle is the principle that there is a restrictive lower bound on how statistically probable our observations of the universe are, given that we could only exist in the particular type of universe capable of developing and sustaining sentient life.

Giants - kingbernard
Some day Abrar. Some day.
(Not today)

Season 1 Winner: BR - Eagles
Best Cycle Outlook: Eagles

TIER: HALVES AND HALF NOT

Division: AFC WEST
Whos ACTUALLY idea was it to give the guy who's been playing this game for thirteen years one of the best teams in the game? Why was I not notified? I didn't even get a memo. Not cool man.

Chiefs - Charter04
Was it a seniority thing? Not like time accrued obviously, but because he's just been alive for twice as long as some of the other users.
What do you want me to say? He's really good and has a really good team. RIP all of us. Feelsbadman.

Broncos - Automatik
So Auto didn't get his prized pre-cycle QB trade like he was hoping and is still stuck with Great Value anDrew Luck. Here's hoping that trade never does get put together and that NO ONE TRADES HIM A RUNNINGBACK WITH SPEED OR AGILITY ABOVE 85. I'm watching all of you.

Chargers - Schuck
No joke when I was writing out the order of the divisions I wrote "Ace - Chargers" and didn't realize that until now.
Is it really that big of a difference?

Raiders - Reality Proof
The issue here isn't the lack of talent on the Raiders, which is low by the way. The issue is that while he doesn't chat a lot. RP has been around long enough now that when he does, I can actually understand what he's saying. And that scares me.

Season 1 Winner: Charter - Chiefs
Best Cycle Outlook: Schu... lol just kidding it's either Charter or Auto. Depending on who does the best traping.

Division: NFC WEST
I don't have anything overly witty to say about the group as a whole, a couple of the guys talk way too much, one shows up occasionally, and I don't think the other has spoken a word to anyone since 1992.

Cardinals - ZCar352
Whoo boy, you really gave ZCar of all people Isaiah Simmons. I can't believe you've done this. He said with an English accent. Following that up by explaining the joke because that makes it funnier. Then continuing to just type without anything really to say because ZCar in Arizona is going to be REALLY GOOD and he's terrified of week 6.

WeaponX - Rams
Always a slow starter but usually a contender, WX once again takes the reigns of the Rams but with a slightly different look. Stafford is here, first round picks are gone. Which doesn't help his slow burn nature. If he can get in and win early on it might be worth it. If not it may be a struggle towards the end of the cycle.

Seahawks - Helu to You
Dear Helu. You have a really good QB now. Trust him. Trust yourself and your ability to win games. If anyone knows that ability is there, it's me. Seattle is a solid foundation for you to build upon. You just have to believe in you. Cause we do. (except maybe seran and isaias, they're *******s)

49ers - seminawls
Coming in the last in the division is the other new guy we have. He's here because obviously I've never seem him play and clearly he's on a team that is a barren wasteland without talent and no future ahead of it. Just a sad sad excuse for a team really. Pathetic.

Season 1 Winner: ZCar
Best Cycle Outlook: Yet again it appears the Cycle may be ran by with who season one was claimed. Unless that one dude on that crappy 49ers team doesn't suck.

TIER: THREES COMPANY

Division: AFC EAST
Moving to one of the tougher divisions that could either be a hot potato of winners or rule by a single person. The AFCLeast all four teams having a young/rookie QB. Must be nice eh?

Dolphins - Arlen
ARLY SZN IS HERE BOIS. The plan is simple. Build around Tua, hopefully grab him a smidge more dev, and reap the rewards of what has turned out to be a solid IRL rebuild of the team. Not as cool as like, The Browns rebuild, but still pretty cool. Sorta.

Patriots - GMoney
The real question I have about the Patriots isn't "Cam or Mac", it's really about to what level G$ is prepared to take the play clock to. Because his mastering of it is impressive, no doubt. But I think it can be improved on. Have you considered running no huddle and THEN letting the entire play clock expire? Making sure you have use all of your time outs in each half? How long is the timer on the pause menu?

Bills - Keller
SIX YEARS.
TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY EIGHT MILLIONS DOLLARS.
SIIIIIIX YEEEEEAAAAAARS.
JOSH ALLEN IS IN BUFFALO UNTIL MADDEN 29.
LETS GOOOOOO.

Jets - jrrawlins
Low key a dark horse eventually. JR has himself a young team to build around his young QB. Depending how quickly he gets that done will show very soon. Don't be surprised if he's hanging around playoff contention Season 1 either.

Season 1 Winner: Arly Szn
Best Cycle Outlook: I'm gonna shoot my shot and say JR and the Jets, but knowing that Arlen and GMoney won't make it easy on him.

Division: NFC SOUTH
Ever hear of that NBA player named Druff? Think his first name is Dan...They say he’s Head & Shoulders above the competition!

Saints - danny
Poor guy, always getting stuck with bad teams. danny and seminawls should start a club, or a petition, or whatever people who've been wronged do to show that they will not stand for it anymore. Free hat!

Panthers - (Don't call him) Daniel
Bmore being "Not the Ravens" is weird. First time I've ever seen it. I dunno how to feel about it. Though it will be funny to see how many times he gets sacked when he tries to roll out of the pocket forgetting his QB doesn't have 103 speed.

Falcons - Beta Danny
The Falcons roster isn't very good, believe me, I know. But it still has some pieces. If Kyle Pitts doesn't lead the league in receptions at least once I'll be shocked. And will lose a bet to Isaias. So don't let me down Beta! I believe in your ability to cheese!

Buccaneers - Dan
I didn't know Ace's name was Dan. I didn't really care. Because he's a terrible person and his children are even worse.

Season 1 Winner: danny
Best Cycle Outlook: danny
...wait.

TIER: GLAD IT'S NOT ME

Division: AFC SOUTH
The AFC South is a weird one, every team has a new user but only two of those users are new to the division in M22. Hopefully seran and JFace laid out a nice welcoming spread to their new roomies.

Texans - NB
Yeah the Texans stink and NB is probably going to make them worse to start by trading Watson, but he's still NB. He's going to win with Tuhrod and as there's a drive into deep left field by Castellanos. It will be a home run. And so that will make it a 4–0 ballgame.

Jaguars - seran
Seran may have missed out on reuniting with JJ Watt. But what a consolation prize he got. Clearly I'm talking about 33 year old and 66 overall Tight End Tim Tebow.
Oh and I guess he has a pretty good young QB and some skill players too. Wait, James Robinson only has 89 Trucking? Those are rookie numbers in this racket.

Titans - Cheez
An interesting combination this is. A team based on the power run game and deep play action. And a user who only throws bubble screens during playoff games. Huh, I'm sure it'll work out fine.

Colts - JFace
J comes in last but that's not to discredit him. He can go toe to toe with anyone in this division. Once he finds a QB that isn't literally the worst one that played in the NFL last year, AND WASN'T EVEN THE ONE THAT GOT RELEASED MIDSEASON. Holy crap Indy what are you doing.

Season 1 Winner: Really it might come down to how well Cheez adapts to Henry and if seran can take just enough time from LoL to play his games. But I won't doubt NB until I see him not win a SB.
Best Cycle Outlook: Easily it goes to the team with the #1 Overall Pick at QB

Division: NFC NORTH
And we get to our final division, which is also another murderers row of tough users and solid teams, well except for the Lions.

Packers - Hskr8128
The Last Dance it is. Finally Hskr gets to trade Aaron Rodgers early enough to still get value from it and it actually be sim. The only other issue after losing your future HOF QB and replacing him with an unproven guy who probably has no development might be the negative fifty-ish million in cap the Packers currently have for 2022. Luckily this is Madden so he'll probably end up with 40 mil to spend.

Vikings - Sir Felgar
For a while I was convinced there was no way Felgar would run it back. But here he is. And now he only has to deal with two years of Kurt Cousins on his team! Get your plexiglass ready boys and gals.

Bears - IsaiasG
I never thought I'd see the day. The Bears have actually done it. They have acquired a GOOD and YOUNG QB for Isaias to build around. I have no idea what he's going to do with all of his free time now that he doesn't have to scrap and beg for someone's old castaways. Maybe give playing FIFA like, ever, a shot?

Lions - RFF
It's redemption tour time. Or more importantly, give yourself a bad team loaded with draft picks so you can suck and eventually win a Sim SB time!
That really doesn't roll off the tongue does it.

Season 1 Winner: Probably Hskr, or Felgar, or Isaias.
Best Cycle Outlook: The only guy who has a GOOD young QB in the division. Da Bears.

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And there you have it. A totally scientific and not at all biased divisional ranking. If you feel you have reached this point in error, please hang up and try the article again.