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Just mostly random rants from me, more than likely late at night when I need to get stuff off my mind.
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Posted 02-12-2009 at 02:05 AM by bjf1377
Disclaimer: I am fine, I have no plans to hurt myself now or ever...

I hate depression with a burning passion. Its been about 2 years now since its been full blown and I couldn't be anymore ready to be rid of it. Unfortunately, its genetic and I'm screwed. I wouldn't mind it if I was just sad all the time; that'd be bearable to me. Its the fact that I sit here every night after everyone has gone to bed, and the only thoughts running through the depressed part of my mind are those of hurting myself or worse.

I know its everyone's natural reaction to be really concerned when someone says that. But the reality is that I'm fine and safe. The one big blessing in disguise is that I'm a wuss when it comes to pain. I can handle pain, but honestly I'd much much rather do without. Because of that, like 95% of the ways people hurt themselves go out the window for me. Trust me, I'd much rather go through the mental anguish than to sit there for hours going "Gee, that wasn't too smart; this kinda hurts and is immediately regrettable." Hell, that even got a little snicker out of my psychiatrist when I told her that in response to her inquiry as to what was going to stop me from huritng myself.

In the meantime, I have to sit here and take my new anti-depressant. Its gonna be a crappy month or so as I wait for it to work its way into my system and become effective, but I know that once it does, I will feel much much better
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