No Brady Bunch: An alternate reality Patriot franchise (Madden 11)

[hockeyplaya2724]

This is hilarious! Keep up the funny stuff man, also nice 4-2 start to the season. I was starting to doubt Warren with all those 2 Interception games he was having, but against the Titans it seems like he decided to get his head out of his *** and play some football. Good luck with the rest of the season.

[Nunyerbiz]

Quote: Originally Posted by hockeyplaya2724

This is hilarious! Keep up the funny stuff man, also nice 4-2 start to the season. I was starting to doubt Warren with all those 2 Interception games he was having, but against the Titans it seems like he decided to get his head out of his *** and play some football. Good luck with the rest of the season.

Thanks fellow Michigander! I'm having fun with the franchise, that's for sure... Sometimes the game itself doesn't always cooperate with wonky playcalling and dumb AI coaching.... but you take the good with the bad.

[Nunyerbiz]

Oct 30, 2011 - NE at NYJ
TEAM	1ST	2ND	3RD	4TH	SCORE
New England Patriots (5-2)	0	17	3	9	29
New York Jets (1-6)	0	7	0	14	21

Team Stats Comparison
NE		NYJ
335	Total Offense	389
132	Rushing Yards	125
203	Passing Yards	264
13	First Downs	12
9	Punt Return Yards	18
70	Kick Return Yards	175
414	Total Yards	582
1	Turnovers	5
2-13	3rd Down Converstion	4-12
0-0	4th Down Conversion	0-1
0-0	2-Point Conversion	0-0
1/2	Red Zone Touchdowns/Field Goals	0/0
1-15	Penalties	0-0
31:00	Posession Time	29:00

Scoring Summary
FIRST QUARTER SCORING		NE	NYJ
14:55	(NE) S.Gostkowski, 33 Yd FG	3	0
SECOND QUARTER SCORING		NE	NYJ
12:56	(NYJ) D.Revis, 90 Yd Interception return (Folk kick)	3	7
1:51	(NE) W.Welker, 41 Yd pass from J.Warren (Gostkowski kick)	10	7
0:22	(NE) W.Welker, 13 Yd pass from J.Warren (Gostkowski kick)	17	7
THIRD QUARTER SCORING		NE	NYJ
5:23	(NE) S.Gostkowski, 48 Yd FG	20	7
FOURTH QUARTER SCORING		NE	NYJ
12:24	(NYJ) D.Keller, 65 Yd pass from M.Sanchez (Folk kick)	20	14
6:13	(NE) S.Gostkowski, 24 Yd FG	23	14
2:34	(NE) S.Gostkowski, 43 Yd FG	26	14
1:37	(NE) S.Gostkowski, 41 Yd FG	29	14
1:19	(NE) E.Doucet, 75 Yd pass from M.Sanchez (Folk kick)	29	21

New England Patriots Boxscore
PASSING	RATING	C/ATT	YDS	TD/INT	AVG
J.Warren	75.9	9/25	203	2/1	8.1
RUSHING	ATT	YDS	AVG	TD	LONG
J.Palmer	21	108	5.1	0	39
P.Hillis	8	27	3.3	0	9
W.Parker	3	-3	-1.0	0	3
RECEIVING	REC	YDS	AVG	TD	LONG
T.Price	3	62	20.6	0	30
W.Welker	2	54	27.0	2	41
B.Tate	2	45	22.5	0	35
R.Gronkowski	2	42	21.0	0	36
DEFENSE	TACK	SACK	INT	PDEF	TD
B.Spikes	6	0	0	0	0
T.Warren	4	1	0	0	0
D.McCourty	4	1	0	0	0
D.Butler	3	1	0	0	0
R.Ninkovich	1	1	0	0	0
KICKING	FGM/A	PCT	LONG	XPM/A	PTS
S.Gostkowski	5/5	100	48	2/2	17

New York Jets Boxscore
PASSING	RATING	C/ATT	YDS	TD/INT	AVG
M.Sanchez	128.2	13/18	280	2/1	15.5
B.Smith	116.7	1/1	12	0/0	12.0
RUSHING	ATT	YDS	AVG	TD	LONG
S.Greene	21	100	4.7	0	17
M.Sanchez	5	27	5.4	0	8
L.Tomlinson	3	-3	-1.0	0	0
J.Conner	1	5	5.0	0	5
RECEIVING	REC	YDS	AVG	TD	LONG
D.Keller	5	128	25.6	1	65
S.Greene	3	37	12.3	0	21
J.Cotchery	2	17	8.5	0	20
S.Holmes	2	29	14.5	0	15
E.Doucet	1	75	75.0	1	75
L.Tomlinson	1	6	6.0	0	6
DEFENSE	TACK	SACK	INT	PDEF	TD
D.France	7	0	0	1	0
M.DeVito	6	0	0	0	0
C.Pace	5	1	0	0	0
T.Pryce	4	1	0	0	0
D.Revis	1	0	1	1	1
KICKING	FGM/A	PCT	LONG	XPM/A	PTS
N.Folk	0/1	0	0	3/3	3

Greene loses his second fumble

NEW YORK, NY -- Quarterback Mark Sanchez completed over 70% of his passes for almost 300 yards and two beautiful long touchdowns. Running back Shonn Greene carried for 100 yards. Super stud cornerback Darrlle Revis returned an interception 90 yards to the house. Based on this paragraph so far, you would think the Jets destroyed the Patriots at home, but that wasn't the case. Five turnovers, including four lost fumbles, spelled doom for the Jets.

"Wow. just wow. I can't even bring myself to launch a neverending stream of profanity," said Jets coach Rex Ryan, "That's about the ugliest game of football you are going to see until they put the cast of Jersey Shore in pads. This season has been a complete embarassment, it's like one big Picard Facepalm. My sweaty man-boobs could secure the football better than our offense. Sanchez dove for a first down and forgot to bring the damn ball with him."

The Patriots offense wasn't exactly stellar, but with excellent field position all day, they were able to get Stephen Gostkowski in line for five field goals. Running back Johnny Palmer got his second 100 yard rushing game of the season, both have come against the Jets. The Patriots passing game struggled for the second straight week. Quarterback Jeff Warren was harassed all day by a relentless Jets front seven. Even when he had time in the pocket, he missed multiple open targets.

Welker is sprung for a TD by a nice Gronkowski block

"I left a lot of plays on the field today," said Warren, "If this team is going to be a contender, that can't happen. I'm going to work extra hard in practice, wear my lucky jock strap the whole week, sacrifice a goat to the Norse God of Thunder, whatever it takes to get my accuracy mojo back."

The Patriots remain tied with the Dolphins atop the AFC East, both teams are 5-2, following Miami's 30-27 win over Philly. New York drops to 1-6 and have now lost four games in row. Their last win was in week three against the equally hapless Ravens. They travel to Washington next week to face the 5-2 Redskins. The Patriots return home to square off against the 3-4 Chiefs.

Game Notes

Jets return man Bobby Wade left the game with broken ribs, he is expected to miss 2-3 weeks. Patriots MLB Jerod Mayo has been cleared to play and should start against Kansas City. Mayo has been sidelined since the 2nd week of the preseason with a broken collarbone.

[Nunyerbiz]

Oct 6, 2011 - KC at NE
TEAM	1ST	2ND	3RD	4TH	SCORE
Kansas City Chiefs (3-6)	7	3	0	7	17
New England Patriots (6-2)	21	7	7	7	42

Team Stats Comparison
KC		NE
456	Total Offense	407
103	Rushing Yards	100
353	Passing Yards	307
16	First Downs	12
4	Punt Return Yards	34
138	Kick Return Yards	72
598	Total Yards	513
4	Turnovers	3
3-14	3rd Down Converstion	4-9
1-1	4th Down Conversion	0-0
0-0	2-Point Conversion	0-0
0/1	Red Zone Touchdowns/Field Goals	3/0
4-35	Penalties	1-15
35:15	Posession Time	24:45

Scoring Summary
FIRST QUARTER SCORING		KC	NE
12:20	(NE) J.Mayo, 44 Yd fumble return (Gostkowski kick)	0	7
12:01	(NE) J.Mayo, 37 Yd interception return (Gostkowski kick)	0	14
6:28	(KC) D.McCluster, 81 Yd pass from Cassel (Succop kick)	7	14
0:07	(NE) J.Edelman, 18 Yd pass from Warren (Gostkowski kick)	7	21
SECOND QUARTER SCORING		KC	NE
6:22	(NE) J.Edelman, 10 Yd pass from Warren (Gostkowski kick)	7	28
0:35	(KC) R.Succop, 35 Yd FG	10	28
THIRD QUARTER SCORING		KC	NE
4:48	(NE) J.Palmer, 9 Yd run (Gostkowski kick)	10	35
FOURTH QUARTER SCORING		KC	NE
8:04	(NE) J.Edelman, 93 Yd pass from Warren (Gostkowski kick)	10	42
2:02	(NE) D.McCluster, 32 Yd pass from Cassel (Succop kick)	17	42

Kansas City Chiefs Boxscore
PASSING	RATING	C/ATT	YDS	TD/INT	AVG
M.Cassel	78.1	22/37	375	2/3	10.1
RUSHING	ATT	YDS	AVG	TD	LONG
J.Charles	18	68	3.7	0	11
T.Jones	6	14	2.3	0	9
M.Cassel	3	13	4.3	0	5
B.Askew	1	8	8.0	0	8
RECEIVING	REC	YDS	AVG	TD	LONG
D.McCluster	5	126	25.2	2	81
D.Bowe	4	83	20.7	0	46
B.Patrick	3	57	19.0	0	23
J.Reed	3	15	5.0	0	8
B.Askew	3	7	2.3	0	3
J.O'Connell	2	55	27.5	0	35
T.Jones	1	22	22.0	0	22
J.Charles	1	10	10.0	0	10
DEFENSE	TACK	SACK	INT	PDEF	TD
D.Williams	8	0	0	0	0
E.Berry	6	0	0	1	0
D.Freeman	5	0	0	0	0
J.Arenas	4	0	0	0	0
B.Flowers	2	0	1	1	0
A.Bass	1	1	0	0	0
KICKING	FGM/A	PCT	LONG	XPM/A	PTS
R.Succop	1/2	50.0	35	2/2	5

New England Patriots Boxscore
PASSING	RATING	C/ATT	YDS	TD/INT	AVG
J.Warren	125.0	14/24	312	3/1	13.0
RUSHING	ATT	YDS	AVG	TD	LONG
J.Palmer	20	83	4.1	1	12
P.Hillis	6	15	2.5	0	12
W.Parker	2	2	1.0	0	4
RECEIVING	REC	YDS	AVG	TD	LONG
J.Edelman	5	152	30.4	3	93
R.Gronkowski	4	50	12.5	0	16
T.Price	2	60	30.0	0	35
W.Welker	1	33	33.0	0	33
B.Tate	1	8	8.0	0	8
J.Palmer	1	9	9.0	0	9
DEFENSE	TACK	SACK	INT	PDEF	TD
J.Mayo	5	0	1	0	2
L.Rogers	5	0	0	0	0
P.Chung	4	0	0	2	0
D.McCourtey	4	0	1	3	0
T.Warren	4	1	0	0	0
V.Wilfork	3	1	0	0	0
M.Pryor	3	1	0	0	0
M.Wright	3	1	0	0	0
B.Merriweather	2	1	0	0	0
KICKING	FGM/A	PCT	LONG	XPM/A	PTS
S.Gostkowski	0/1	0	0	6/6	6

Mayo steps in front of Bowe for the INT

FOXBOROUGH, MA -- The New England Patriots had been getting along fine without their star middle linebacker. Without Jerod Mayo the defense wasn't making anybody forget about the 2000 Baltimore Ravens or the 1977 Pittsburg Steel Curtain, but the team was winning games.

"Not playing was driving me insane." said Mayo, "The team was doing pretty well, but I knew I could make an impact out there. Blow some [expletive] up."

Blow some [expletive] up indeed, within the first three minutes of the game, Mayo had returned both a fumble and an interception for touchdowns. The rout of the Chiefs was on. Mayo's impact plays were followed up by a 300 yard and three TD performance from QB Jeff Warren, who had been struggling in recent weeks.

Edelman breaks free for a 93 yard touchdown

Another Patriots player had been dying to make an impact, but his lack of production wasn't due to injury. Wide Reciever Julian Edelman has been the odd man out all season in New England. With the team becoming more focused on the rushing attack, and QB Warren getting into a groove with other recievers, Edelman had logged only four catches in seven games. Against the Chiefs, he broke out for three touchdowns on five catches, including a 93 yard bomb in which Edelman beat double coverage.

"People didn't believe me when I told them I played for the Patriots," said Edelman, "They would tell me that the short white guy was Wes Welker... It was depressing. Hopefully I can get more looks going forward."

For the Chiefs, not much went right after they dug a quick 14-0 hole. Matt Cassel did find Dexter McCluster on two big TD passes, but he was harassed all day by the Patriot pass rush.

"We didn't give Matt much chance to be successful," said KC Head Coach Todd Haley, "If I tied both hands behind his back and then kicked him in the balls, he'd probably have a better chance of success than he did today. If we become one dimensional, we lose."

At the midway point of the season, the Patriots are 6-2 and sit alone at the top of the AFC East. They host the 5-3 Dolphins next week in what is likely the biggest game of the year for either team. For Kansas City, they fall to 3-5 and sole possession of last place in the AFC West, although they are only two games out of first. They travel to Oakland to face the 4-4 Raiders in another big divisional matchup.

Palmer flips the ball away after his third rushing TD of the season

Game notes

Wes Welker logged his first career interception in the fourth quarter. Apparently rookie DB Latavien Rogers was playing Angry Birds on his iPhone and didn't hear his formation called, so Welker took the field in his spot for one play.

New England gets another injured linebacker back next week. Rookie Jalston Johnson has been out the entire regular season with a broken collarbone, but will return next week against Miami.

[Nunyer's Note: Seriously, I have no clue how Welker got a snap at defensive back. Nobody was injured as far as I recall, I called quarter and dollar defenses later in the game looking for him... but he seemed to only appear in that one play. It was weird.]

[Nunyerbiz]

Nunyer's Notes

These last two were ugly. 13 total turnovers in the two games... After rarely seeing fumbles through the first six games, there were a ton lately. Makes things interesting... Altho maybe not for the Jets, they really played solid on both sides of the ball with the exception of the four lost fumbles. The Chiefs were just doomed after those quick defensive TDs. I sat back and played cover 3, giving them all the yards they wanted, just tried to limit the big plays. I got five sacks, but four of them were the coverage variety.

Not sure what I'm going to do with the mid season report. I will probably not have a lot of time to get in front of the 360 for the next couple days. But Warren is 2nd in the league in QB rating, 1900 yards, 15 TDs, 8 INTs. Palmer is 5th or 6th in the league in rushing. 633 yards, 3 TDs, 4.1 ypc. My leading reciever may end up having less than 50 catches for the season... Gronkowski, Welker and Palmer are all in the 22-24 catch range. Ty Warren leading the team with six sacks. Not much for interceptions, think McCourty and somebody else might have have two a piece.

I'll probably do some type of standings recap and some league leaders before the end of the week.

[Nunyerbiz]

And we are BACK on the AIR!

This is Terry Valenti and I welcome you to the triumphant return of WKAW! Due to our recent financial issues and lack of actual broadcasting, we have fallen to 7th place among Boston AM Sports Talk stations... and the Boston Cannons are now allowing the Television and Radio Production students at Carl Yastrzemski Middle School to broadcast their games... and I had to do unmentionable things to a wealthy 78 year old widow to obtain the required financing... there isn't enough Cialis in the world to fix what has been done to me... but that's all in the past now. WKAW: It's WicKed AWesome!

I'd also like to take this opportunity to say that Bonkers: The Boston Sports Clown will not be joining us for the immediate future. Apparently he was arrested in Arizona trying to steal the head of Ted Williams from cryogenic storage. He appears to have given up when the ice in his Igloo cooler melted and the headless corpse he was dragging behind him began to attract coyotes. You can send a contribution to the "FREE BONKERS! Legal Defense Fund" care of this station.

But now, let's talk some football. While I already miss Bonkers and Tony Eason is not returning my calls... We do have a very special guest. My producers tell me that he is contractually obligated to appear on a local radio show, but has been banned from every other station in town due to numerous FCC violations... So we will turn our desperation into your benefit... Please allow me to introduce Patriots Head Coach, Josh Moore!



Thanks Tony. Where is my danish? I was told that black coffee and a danish would be waiting in the studio. AND NO DAMN NUTS! My digestive tract gets very tempermental when I eat nuts....



We'll get somebody right on that... but let's take 10 seconds for station identification....

	Well Coach, you took over a few years back after the mysterious resignation of Bill Belicheck, and while Boston fans have embraced your hard nosed style... I don't get the feeling that we really know you. Says in your bio that you've been coaching for decades and that you are a Korean War vet... Anything else that the fans might find interesting?
		Well, I also fought in the Spanish-American War. I sat out WW1 and WW2, it will be a cold day in hell before I help a damn Frenchman!
	The Spanish-American War?! That ended in like 1898, you'd have to be about 130 years old to have...
		Listen hippie, let's just talk football. And if you doubt anything I say again, I will tear out your eyeballs and teabag the empty sockets.
	Alrighty then, let's take a look at the NFL Standings through week 9...

NFL Standings - Updated: Nov 12, 2011
NFC EAST	W	L	T	PF	PA	STREAK
Philadelphia Eagles	6	2	0	217	181	W1
Washington Redskins	6	2	0	151	134	W4
New York Giants	2	6	0	136	181	L3
Dallas Cowboys	1	7	0	114	165	L7
NFC NORTH	W	L	T	PF	PA	STREAK
Green Bay Packers	6	3	0	222	200	L1
Detroit Lions	5	3	0	176	153	W4
Chicago Bears	3	6	0	157	206	L4
Minnesota Vikings	2	6	0	172	187	W1
NFC SOUTH	W	L	T	PF	PA	STREAK
Tampa Bay Buccaneers	5	3	0	205	168	W1
New Orleans Saints	5	4	0	224	188	W2
Carolina Panthers	3	5	0	141	166	W2
Atlanta Falcons	2	6	0	179	230	L1
NFC WEST	W	L	T	PF	PA	STREAK
San Francisco 49ers	6	2	0	214	172	L2
Arizona Cardinals	5	3	0	191	145	L1
St Louis Rams	3	5	0	153	171	W2
Seattle Seahawks	2	6	0	145	179	W1
AFC EAST	W	L	T	PF	PA	STREAK
New England Patriots	6	2	0	238	190	W1
Miami Dolphins	5	3	0	137	138	W1
Buffalo Bills	5	3	0	168	162	L1
New York Jets	1	7	0	162	180	L5
AFC NORTH	W	L	T	PF	PA	STREAK
Cleveland Browns	6	2	0	199	143	L1
Pittsburg Steelers	4	4	0	147	143	W1
Cincinnati Bengals	4	4	0	152	152	L2
Baltimore Ravens	2	6	0	103	173	W2
AFC SOUTH	W	L	T	PF	PA	STREAK
Indianapolis Colts	6	2	0	239	179	W1
Houston Texans	6	2	0	177	157	W3
Tennessee Titans	4	5	0	188	209	W1
Jacksonville Jaguars	3	5	0	166	216	W1
AFC WEST	W	L	T	PF	PA	STREAK
San Diego Chargers	5	3	0	195	181	L1
Denver Broncos	4	4	0	163	161	W3
Oakland Raiders	4	4	0	148	132	L2
Kansas City Chiefs	3	5	0	154	192	L4

	Well Coach, our Patriots are in sole possession of first place in the AFC East, that must make you very proud.
		Our Patriots?, I must have missed your skinny *** at practice helping out our team. But yea, the kids are playing well enough to win. Most of them have embraced our new team motto: Passing is for Wussies
	Despite your dislike of the passing game, rookie QB Jeff Warren is looking good. He is a legitimate canidate for rookie of the year.
		Well, management tells me that the coordinator is the only one who can call the plays, but yes, I like all our QBs. Even that new kid, Lynn Dickey Jr. I coached his great-grandfather, Dick Dickey IV, during the Depression at Canisius. Together we invented the forward pass. Of course, at the time it was purely as a ruse to draw out communists at the college... As only communists and child molesters would like the forward pass.
	OK, I'm going to follow your earlier advice about never doubting you and just ignore that... What do you think about the Jets? You've beaten them twice, but only 1-7? They are better than that.
		You got me there. I only thought there was one way you could **** in your own pants, but the Jets invent a new way every week.
	Who do you think your biggest challenger is for dominance in the AFC?
		Look, every team in this league can beat us if we don't prepare properly. Even those women who play in domes on plastic grass... My Sweet Father in Heaven, they probably sit down in a circle and talk about their feelings during TV timeouts... *** damn dome teams!
	Hmm... alrighty... Who do you like out of the NFC?
		... and what is the deal with all this concussion talk?! Concussions? are you [expletive] kidding me? When I coached the Portsmouth Spartans in 1929, we lost five wingbacks, three upbacks and two defensive halfbacks to fractured skulls. Nobody bothered checking for a concussion because they were too busy burying the dead [expletive] bodies! AND WHAT IS THIS?!? I SAID NO [expletive] NUTS ON MY DANISH!!! Son of a bit...
	Yea... that is going to wrap up this week's visit from Coach Moore... We'd like to thank him for his time and we remind our faithful listeners to FREE BONKERS!

* click *

[Nunyerbiz]

Nunyer's Notes

Just going to take a minute to talk about the NFL Standings at the half way point... It's easier to just relay my thoughts on this stuff outside of any characters.

NFC East
I have no clue what is going on with the Cowboys. I've probably checked their depth chart three times over the last five weeks of the season to make sure all their starters weren't mysteriously benched or something... But it appears as if they just can't score points. They don't exactly have a dominant offensive line, but neither do the Colts and they are chugging along fine. Along with the Jets, they are bizzare piles of suck this year. The Redskins are not very good at the offensive skill positions, but they just keep squeaking out wins. I gave them Josh Johnson at QB, took away Clinton Portis and Santana Moss.. I really expected them to be a team that would bottom dwell for the first 1-2 years of this chise... but they have defied expectations. The Giants were falling apart before Eli Manning wsa lost for the year and I doubt things get any better. The Eagles just continue to chug along, they score a ton of points.

NFC North
The Packers have been roughly a .500 team since losing Rodgers. He doesn't come back for another month, and Hasselbeck isn't giving them the same production... And something goofy happened with Ryan Grant, he was #1 on the depth chart but wasn't playing. I had to release him, sign him to another team, sim that game, release him again and have the Pack resign him back... now he is getting stats for Green Bay. No idea what the deal was there, but he had no signing bonus, so the moves didn't hit any teams with cap penalty. The Lions have a newly found defense. Stafford has cooled of statistically and Best is only on pace for about 850 yards rushing... but I don't think they've given up more than 14 points in any game over their current winning streak. The Vikings got back Jason Campbell and he lead them to a win in his first game back, but I'm seriously considering a move to LA if they don't have a respectable 2nd half. The Bears have four offensive lineman on IR... and they just can't score points.

NFC West
Not much to say here. Everything is playing out as I thought it would. San Fran and Arizona are walking away with things. The Niners are solid on defense and that rookie QB is a stud. The Cards drafted well and McNabb is producing.

AFC East
I talk about this division enough, but the Bills continue to hang onto hope... I'd love to see them make the playoffs in Vick's first year.

AFC North
The Browns do not seem to be a fluke. They have a sick point differential going so far... I thought they would fade, but now I'm not so sure. The rest of the teams in this division can't seem to get out of their own way. The Bengals have been hit hard by injury, three of their starting OL have missed multiple games and their starting LT is currently out, so they might have a somewhat valid excuse. Pittsburg is up and down and the Ravens have stunk. Flacco missed a month, but they are 1-3 with him and 1-3 without him.

AFC South
The Titans fell off the map with a four game losing streak, but I could see them making some noise in the second half. The Texans keep winning with defense, as their individual offensive performances are nothing to write home about. I'm convinced the game loves the Colts. I didn't think they drafted well, even with Stewart their run game sucks and the defense is nothing special... but Manning still puts up big numbers. The Jags stink and have had injury issues, surprised they have won three.

AFC West
I installed Tebow as the starter in Denver and that punk has lead them to three straight wins. Hope springs eternal at Mile High! The Raiders have a tough defense and were hit with tons of offensive injuries, so they are a sleeper for the second half. Might have a QB controversy brewing if Alex Smith doesn't win his next start. The Chargers win every game in shootout mode, so they are a bit of a wild card.... The poor Chiefs just can't score points.

[Rexis]

Coach Moore

He is not to be [expletive] with.