The NFL in the News

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September 2016

From The Jacksonville Daily News:
JAGUARS CUT DT ZIGGY HOOD
When training camp commenced a month ago, few expected defensive tackle, Ziggy Hood would show up in shape. After all, he hasn't for the last two seasons.

It's rare for a Jaguars player to exceed expectations, but Hood did. He came into camp at 310 pounds, ten pounds heavier than last season.

To the surprise of many on Jacksonville's coaching staff, especially head coach, Demetrius Turner, Hood was at least tolerable on the field.

It was an off the field incident that was the final straw leading to his release. Following a TMZ Sports report that suggested Ben Roethlisberger's 78 overall rating was, "pathetic," Hood told the media after the team's final preseason game in Tampa Bay that he was outraged.

"I'm a 74 overall," shouted an enraged Hood, "does that make me pathetic, too?"

The seven-year pro went on to explain that overall ratings are, "just a number", and that they shouldn't be taken so seriously.

[KA88NE]

SEPTEMBER 2016

From The Chicago Tribune:
RG MICHAEL OLA REQUESTS MOVE TO GREEN BAY
One man who is not enjoying Christian Edward II's reign at the controller is Bears right guard, Michael Ola. Playing for a human-controlled connected franchise quarterback like Edward II has its ups and downs.

On one hand, he is a complete heart throb that puts up massive numbers and enjoys being the go-to-guy.

On the other hand, no running back gets to carry the ball. To add, all the guards suffer from severe self-esteem issues thanks to the dream boat's unwillingness to throw the ball away. As time and time again, Edward II would rather take a sack to save his completion percentage.

Perhaps most affected by this is Ola. In May, the organization put Ola through intense therapy sessions in an effort to get to the root cause of his body dysmorphia.

"Michael's case is traumatic," explained a team doctor, "he's fat, but he thinks he's skinny."

The third year offensive lineman, who has seen Lovie Smith move players like Aaron Rodgers to linebacker, feels he deserves to be the team's starting quarterback instead of Edward II.

"I'm 6'4", I'm in the best shape of my life, and I've recently completed a hair transplant with Bosley that has my confidence high," rambled Ola to a slew of Chicago media, salivating at the mouth for a quarterback controversy that Jay Cutler has refused to offer.

"That's why today, I requested that Phil Emery trades me to Green Bay," revealed Ola.

Whether or not the undrafted guard receives his wish remains to be seen, as Chicago's opening game in Philadelphia lurks just around the corner.

[KA88NE]

September 2016

From TMZ Sports:
LUCK AND SAM'S STUNNING NEW HOME



Celebrities have a knack for knocking our socks off, especially when it comes to living arrangements. But engaged couple, Andrew Luck and Michael Sam will leave you needing a whole new set of Hanes ankle socks upon getting a glimpse of their new St. Louis mansion.

"Once you get past the fires popping up in random rooms and the unexplainable, relentless storm centered over our land, it's pretty amazing," reminisced Luck.

Luck, who signed with the Rams in March, made the move to St. Louis to be with fiancé and former NFL prospect, Michael Sam.

"The trees never have leaves, not even in the summer," explained Sam, "but really, I find the environment quaint."

"It's unique," added Luck, who puts an emphasis on keeping things fresh and original.

The suburban St. Louis mansion, which goes far beyond originality and abnormality, weighs in at an estimated $2.2 million in value.

"I can see us living here for the rest of our lives as long as the ghouls and goblins in the attic don't have something to say about that," said an elated Sam.

Luck's Rams lost a close game to the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday, 27-24. Through two weeks, the quarterback leads the league in quarterback rating at just under 120, as well as touchdowns with seven.

After falling to 1-1, the Rams return to St. Louis for a battle with the defending Super Bowl Champions, the Buffalo Bills.

"It's nice to come home to such a vibrant and loving atmosphere," Luck said with a smile.

"It really is," the love of his life answered back, "it really is."

[KA88NE]

September 2016

From The Chicago Tribune:
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP REMATCH - BEARS COME UP SHORT AGAIN
0-2 starts were the common theme in San Francisco and Chicago. The 49ers and Bears got off to sluggish starts this season. On Sunday Night Football, it was the 49ers who found a way off the snide.

For San Francisco, the loss of Justin Smith has proven to be costly for the team's defensive line, and it has translated to a less disruptive unit as a whole.

Smith signed with the San Diego Chargers in free agency over the off-season.

In Chicago, the struggles lie on one man's shoulders. Christian Edward II has had a baffling off year.

The starting quarterback, winner of two straight MVP awards, has thrown a whopping eight interceptions through the first three games of the season.

Five of them came on Sunday Night, many in crucial situations.

"They weren't my fault," said a defensive Edward II, leaving it at that.

But a review of the tape says they absolutely were.

The Bears were up 24-3 going into halftime, but four second half interceptions by Edward II led to several opportunities for the 49ers to chip away at the lead.

Led by wide receiver, Michael Crabtree, known lovingly as "Lobstershrub" to his teammates in San Francisco, the 49ers scored touchdown after touchdown on the Bears 32nd ranked defense.

After taking the lead 31-24 near the two minute warning, San Francisco put Edward II and the Bears under the microscope.

Edward II answered, throwing his second touchdown pass of the game to Martellus Bennett, who had a monster day with seven receptions for 138 yards.

But shortly after, Colin Kaepernick and the 49ers rushed onto the field and connected on a quick strike to Crabtree, one of his eight receptions, to set the team up in field goal range.

Bears head coach, Marc Trestman was able to call his final timeout before kicker, Shaun Suisham put San Francisco up 34-31.

Leaving Edward II and company 36 seconds for one last gasp. It was then that the quarterback threw his fifth interception of the game to 49ers second year cornerback, Derek Hernandez.

"Here's something you might not have known about tonight's game: Christian threw an interception to five different 49ers players," recanted backup quarterback, Jay Cutler after the game, "but I'm sure he'll fare out better next week."

Heading into the bye week at 0-3, Chicago is in danger of falling out of contention in the NFC North. The Detroit Lions, Green Bay Packers, and Minnesota Vikings have all won two of their first three games.

"It's really not my fault, some of the interceptions in this game would never happen in real life," said Edward II in the post game once questioned about the interceptions again.

"I've had some rough games in San Francisco myself," added Cutler, "but never five interceptions."

"I think I threw four once, but never five," Cutler continued unnecessarily, "but Christian is a tremendous quarterback and I support him 100%."

The 49ers will stay put in San Francisco, as they welcome in another 1-2 team, the Atlanta Falcons, into the newly renamed Wrangler Jeans Stadium.

[KA88NE]

October 2016

From Bleacher Report:
NBC WON'T GIVE UP ON BEARS

In a decision that made absolutely zero sense, NBC, taking cues from the EA Sports Network, scheduled the Bears for eight Sunday Night Football games this season. Featuring five consecutive appearances in primetime to start the season.

Then came an 0-3 start to said season. An 0-3 start for a team that was much more entertaining last year. But NBC did finally hit a high point when Chicago beat a talented 4-0 Panthers team.

Carolina finished the 2015 season undefeated, and had not lost a regular season game for twenty straight tries leading up to the contest in Chicago.

But one week later, and Chicago was back to its cringe worthy defensive efforts and critical interceptions thrown from its quarterback, Christian Edward II.

NBC still refuses to let go.

"For instance, should the Bears lose in Week 7," explained an NBC executive, "we may even start the Week 8 broadcast by replacing Faith Hill's regular opening with a dramatic, Bears-related montage."

Following the team's 54-48 loss in Houston, NBC released the following teaser trailer depicting what we may be in store for in regards to future Bears broadcasts:

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October 2016

From TMZ Sports:
BRADY STILL IGNORING BELICHICK'S TEXTS
The New England Patriots are off to a 3-3 start, sitting well behind the AFC East leading Buffalo Bills, who are 4-1.

But unlike 2015, the 2016 iteration of the Patriots have dealt with issues from everywhere but the quarterback position.

Tom Brady, who decided to pull a Philip Rivers and suck for two years, led head coach, Bill Belichick to believing his star pupil had burned out.

Perhaps the star had burned out.

But if it did, it left a black hole that has taken out everything in its path through 2016. With six touchdowns to only one interception, along with just under 1600 yards passing, Brady appears to be back to typical form.

A monster win over the previously undefeated Buffalo Bills on Monday Night Football did plenty to solidify that notion.

"He might be a notch below still," Belichick disagreed, "but we're glad he's at least playing well."

A month ago, sources confirmed to TMZ that there was friction between one of the greatest coach-quarterback duos of all-time. And one month later, the saga - as Belichick would say - hits another notch.

This one a peg higher.

"He's ignoring all my texts," Belichick told the media after Monday night's game, "and I'm just trying not to be too irrational about it."

"Maybe his phone was off," offered an anonymous Patriots teammate.

"Sometimes, I look at a text, put it down, and then forget to answer it," extended another New England player, who also chose to remain anonymous.

Whatever the issue, it appears Belichick's intuition is telling him something is awry between him and his best friend.

[KA88NE]

October 2016

From The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
MIKE MCCARTHY ANNOYING FALCONS PLAYERS
It started in training camp.

There were rumors floating around that newly hired Atlanta Falcons head coach, Mike McCarthy was severely depressed after being fired in Green Bay.

Then came the rumors that McCarthy refused to allow Matt Ryan onto the field unless he started going by the name Matthew.

Sadly, those rumors were confirmed in the team's opening week matchup in Carolina. When Ryan took to the field, Fox unveiled a graphic that read, "Matthew Ryan," instead of the usual, "Matt Ryan."

Some thought, okay, it isn't that big of a deal. Maybe it's just a joke, they thought. As long as it doesn't interfere with the rest of the team, they thought.

But then other graphics started popping up.

Suddenly, Jake Matthews was, "Jakob Matthews," and newly signed tight end, Fred Davis was, "Fredrick Davis."

In seven games, the Falcons have only mustered up one victory. Slumping through a four game losing streak and falling to 1-6 after a Week 7 loss to the Saints, the team may be regretting its decision to hire McCarthy awfully soon.

Let's not forget, this is the same guy that helped choose Alex Smith over Aaron Rodgers as a member of San Francisco's coaching staff, and then got credit for winning a Super Bowl with Rodgers as his quarterback in Green Bay.

From USA Today:
COMMENTATOR CALLS EDWARD II'S ARM "ARGUABLY" THE BEST - IS NOW LAUGHING STOCK OF NFL
We all know it. All of us. Everyone. Christian Edward II's arm is beyond incredible.

He throws rockets to Neptune. He throws laser beams that spontaneously combust receivers and cornerbacks alike. He is completely and utterly awesome.

So when CBS color analyst, Phil Simms called Edward II's arm, "arguably" the best prior to the Week 7 Sunday Night game between the Bears and Giants, the entire world got a pretty good chuckle.

"That's ****ing funny," reacted Edward II, "I remember I used to watch Chris Simms as a kid."

"He sucked as a player and now he sucks as an analyst," continued Edward II, not knowing who Phil Simms even was.

After the first half in New York, Edward II had easily put up his best numbers of the season.

"I was like Aaron Rodgers in that real life Sunday Night game against the Bears," said the dream boat, who completed 26 of 31 first half passes for 342 yards and six touchdowns.

"I'd love to get Chris Simms on that show, Penile Measuring Contest," Edward II boldly added, "he would have 'arguably' the smallest of all."

Cleveland Browns wide receiver, Princeton Moss, son of former Vikings star, Randy Moss, was recently fined by the NFL for making an appearance on the racy Game Show Network program. There is speculation Edward II will be fined for these comments.

"I won't be fined," Edward II reminded reporters, "this isn't real life, that's why I was able to complete the record in the second half and throw for that elusive eighth touchdown."

"No one's feelings are getting hurt out here seeing as none of us are real," he further stated, feeding the media frenzy.

Yes, Edward II threw for a career high eight touchdowns in one game. Breaking a record several before him had the chance to, but didn't for fear of running up the score or unnecessarily injuring players.

"**** that," said Edward II, who threw the record breaking touchdown while up by more than forty points.

The Bears won 66-21 as the Illinois-grad and behemoth of a man finished with a 142.7 quarterback rating, 494 yards passing, and eight touchdowns.

"Christian threw an interception tonight," back-up quarterback, Jay Cutler reminded the one or two media members lurking near his locker, "but otherwise, he looked pretty good out there."

The Bears improved to 2-4 as the Giants fell to 4-3.

[KA88NE]

November 2016

From The Rolling Stones Magazine:
TITANS ROOKIE QB KESHAWN REEVES IS JUST WHO YOU THINK HE IS
Meet Keanu Reeves' son, Keshawn.

Keshawn was a star quarterback at Ohio State University. You may remember he choked in the National Championship Game against Alabama in January of 2014.

That was the game that ended his career for the time being. From there, Keshawn was relegated to cleaning the bottoms of peoples' boats.

"It was tough," reflected Reeves, "I used to pretend I was playing football again while I was under the water."

Then came Reeves' unlikely shot at redemption.

When Tennessee Titans quarterbacks, Brian Hoyer, Josh Freeman, and Scott Tolzien went on a player's strike over a salary dispute, head coach, Ken Whisenhunt was approached by team owner, Tommy Smith.

"He told me to recruit replacement players," said Whisenhunt, "so I immediately thought of Keshawn."

It took some convincing, but Whisenhunt talked Reeves into quitting his job cleaning boats months after drafting him with the third overall pick in 2016.

Once the ink was signed on Keanu's son's contract, Hoyer, Freeman, and Tolzien crossed the picket line and rejoined the team for fear that Keanu' freaking son was going to steal all of their thunder.

"Even I was skeptical at first," claimed Whisenhunt, "but all we needed was to win three out of four preseason games for Keshawn to become the starting quarterback."

"At times, I was worried about Keshawn's focus because of his instant interest in Annabelle, one of our cheerleaders."

Keshawn came to Tennessee to re-ignite his football career. Little did he know, he would also find love.

"Annabelle didn't like him at first," Smith remembered, smiling at the thought.

But when Reeves, the replacement, led the Titans to a last second victory in their third pre-season game, Annabelle, 21, started coming around.

It was in the fourth preseason game that things appeared to take a turn for the worse.

Tommy Smith demanded Brian Hoyer start the final preseason game, despite Whisenhunt's strong belief that Reeves had, "more heart."

"Hoyer was a prima-donna and we all knew it," says left tackle, Nate Solder.

After Hoyer's prima-donna attitude hurt the team's chances, putting them down 17-0 at the half, head coach, Ken Whisenhunt was interviewed on national television by NBC's Michelle Tafoya.

She asked Whisenhunt, "what will your team need to make the second half comeback?"

To which Whisenhunt responded, "heart, miles and miles of heart."

Reeves, who was at home scarfing down ice cream days after standing up a broken hearted Annabelle on date night, heard Whisenhunt's words.

"I knew that message was intended for me," Reeves echoed.

Quickly, Reeves suited up and drove to the stadium as fast as he could. Upon arrival, he was greeted by a heart-warming cheer from the crowd.

NBC's cameras caught a glimpse of Reeves kissing Annabelle, as well as apologizing, before taking to the field for the half of his life.

Two touchdowns to fringe receiver, Earl Bennett were enough to put the Titans within a field goal. And after a brilliant two-minute drill led by Reeves, Tennessee kicker, Ryan Succop had a chance to tie the game and send it to overtime.

But Succop would then add a real twist. The kicker found himself unable to kick the field goal thanks to a sprained ankle sustained while warming up for the try on the sidelines. Which would mean the Titans would have to find a way to win the game in regulation.

Suddenly, all the talk was about Reeves' choke-job against Alabama in the 2014 National Championship Game. NBC even showed the clips of the Ohio State-alum walking sullenly off the field that fateful night.

But Reeves didn't let it get to him.

On third down, Keanu's son sent the crowd to its feet with a 34 yard touchdown scamper.

"But then I was called for holding," Solder remembered.

Keanu's son came to Whisenhunt on the sidelines and said, "I want the ball, I'm over my fear of choking with the game on the line."

Whisenhunt adhered to Keshawn's demand in full confidence, and Keshawn, true to his word, completed a game-winning touchdown pass to tight end, Delanie Walker. Putting the finishing touches on the third win of Tennessee's preseason.

That's the story of how Keanu Reeves' son became the starting quarterback of the Tennesee Titans.

Reeves, a rookie, is a whopping 84 overall. He boasts a quarterback rating near 85 and has ten touchdowns to go along with a completion percentage of 70.

The Titans are, of course, 3-4 and likely to compete for a dramatic Wild Card spot at the end of the season.

You can't script this stuff.