The Navy Hockey Player-Nick Ritt's BAP

[Nickflyers]

oh yeah thats right.....

Yeah when they bring it out on the disc i'll pick it up.

[Nickflyers]

July 5th, 2009
Whew...I'm tired. Nick sat down to get dressed out of his hockey gear, after another 2 hours of pick-up. God if only I could do this for the rest of my life and get paid. Life would be perfect. Nick has always dreamt of being a Flyer or even a Phantoms, and Jeannette was well aware of his dream. Nick thought back to an earlier conversation, when she told him he should try out.

1 Month Earlier.....
Nick was hanging out on the USS Wasp when Jeannette called.
"Hey sweetie, how's work?" Nick could tell she was tired of it.
"It's irritating, 3 people called out so we're short-stafed." She didn't try to hide her anger.
"That sucks, you called at the perfect time I was just going to play hockey at Chilled Ponds. I'm thinking about joining the Adult League."
"Nice, what about maybe trying out for the Phantoms?"This question caught Nick off guard
"If only I were that good, and I'm not sure how that works, plus with me being down in Norfolk, it'd be tricky. Maybe the Admirals have try-outs." If only it were that easy.
"Never know unless you try and you know I'll support you on whatever you choose to do. Ok honey I gotta go back to work. I love you and miss you, don't get hurt."
"Love you and miss you too! Have fun." *click*

Present Day
Geez that would be awesome if I could get a try-out with the Phantoms or Admirals. Nick was walking back on to his ship, which sadly was his home since he couldn't afford a place out in town yet, with the car payment and his salary. Next year I'll have more money so I can bring Jeanie down. God knows I need her down here. Walking down to his berthing he gets ready for a shower then crawls into his rack. Maybe I'll dream that dream again, hopefully see if I score.

[Franke12]

This is rlly good

[Nickflyers]

really? Thanks not much of a writer.

[kzoz21]

Quote: Originally Posted by Nickflyers

really? Thanks not much of a writer.

my one suggestion is that it can be hard to know who's speaking. other than that its quite good

[Nickflyers]

i do the quotes from each person on a different line.

[shinderhizzle84]

Quote: Originally Posted by Nickflyers

i do the quotes from each person on a different line.

yeah but you should also mention who's saying it, at least the first few times so we can see the pattern.

like:

You did the first line well.

"Hey sweetie, how's work?" Jeannette called.
"Pretty good, but I'm doing a real man's job, so you better stay out of the way, if you know what's good for you," Nick said with an aura of masculinity, and a faint musk of overconfidence.

"That's great," Jeannette said sweetly. "I'll have dinner waiting for you when you get back from the ship."

Now, if you see what I'm trying to get at...

Also, please don't kill me with your super navy-soldier powers because I was mean to your girlfriend!!! lol.

[Nickflyers]

Quote: Originally Posted by shinderhizzle84

yeah but you should also mention who's saying it, at least the first few times so we can see the pattern. like: You did the first line well. "Hey sweetie, how's work?" Jeannette called. "Pretty good, but I'm doing a real man's job, so you better stay out of the way, if you know what's good for you," Nick said with an aura of masculinity, and a faint musk of overconfidence. "That's great," Jeannette said sweetly. "I'll have dinner waiting for you when you get back from the ship." Now, if you see what I'm trying to get at... Also, please don't kill me with your super navy-soldier powers because I was mean to your girlfriend!!! lol.

LMAO!!!! no worries i won't use some of my friends to find where you live and blow your house up with tomahawk missles