Joke Thread

[Speedy]

I heard this at church on Sunday:

A woman and her husband had been arguing all week so one day she left the house in a rage, later being arrested for shop lifting. At the trial, the prosecutors told the judge that they believe she had stolen a lot of lucrative items but the only evidence they had was she stole some peaches.

The judge asked how many and the prosecutors stated 4 peaches. The judge thought and rendered his verdict: 4 days in jail, one day for every peach she stole.

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

[Blzer]

A new study reveals that nine out of ten people who have a fear of hurdles never get over it.

[daflyboys]

These 2 good friends who haven't seen each other in a while meet up.

Bob: Hey Tom, how's it been goin?

Tom: Pretty good, how you been?

Bob: Really good, in fact, I recently developed this condition that every time I sneeze I get these tremendous orgasms!

Tom: Really!? How did that happen?

Bob: I don't know....just one day I woke up, started sneezing and then every time after that, each sneeze produces this amazing climax!

Tom: So..... what are you talking for it?

Bob:

Spoiler

Pepper!

[Trevytrev11]

Quote: Originally Posted by daflyboys

These 2 good friends who haven't seen each other in a while meet up. Bob: Hey Tom, how's it been goin? Tom: Pretty good, how you been? Bob: Really good, in fact, I recently developed this condition that every time I sneeze I get these tremendous orgasms! Tom: Really!? How did that happen? Bob: I don't know....just one day I woke up, started sneezing and then every time after that, each sneeze produces this amazing climax! Tom: So..... what are you talking for it? Bob: Spoiler Pepper!

This joke is less messy with Jennifer and Mary than Tom and Bob!!!

[Caulfield]

Drove around all weekend looking for an app store. No luck, never found one.

[Caulfield]

and then there was the blonde model who was looking for someone to take professional selfies of her

[Caulfield]

I wonder if Guy Ritchie & Sean Penn also call Madonna My Damn Ex .

[CubFan23]

A duck walks into a bar, hops up on the bar and asks the bartender,"Hey man, you got any grapes?"

Bartender says "No we don't have any grapes, now get outta here!"

Duck leaves, comes back the next day, hops up on the bar again and asks "Hey man, got any grapes?"

Bartender says " I told you, we don't have any grapes and if you come in here and ask again I'll nail your feet to the bar!"

Duck leaves, comes back the next day, hops up on the bar and asks, "hey man, got any nails?"

Bartender says "No! We don't have any nails!"

Duck says "got any grapes?"