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Originally Posted by bconngemini |
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the only Americans who like soccer are the same people who spend every Sunday with the Style section of the Washington Post, pretend to like jazz, and pronounce "Chile" as "CHEE-lay."
America's soccer voluptuaries are a thin-skinnded bunch. For whatever reason, they cannot accept that Americans will never embrace soccer any more than they will embrace the other sacraments of northeast post-Christian urban elitism, like beer snobbery, giving the one kid you had at 39 a ludicrous name like "Tanner," or voting for John Kerry. If you do not like soccer with the passion of a drunken semi-literate Manchester yob, then you're a philistine. Wrap your head around that paradox, if you dare.
As for what the average John Smith non-hispanic, non-ethnic, white American male thinks of soccer? This:
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Well that was just too clever for any Madden fan to have written and I could have sworn I had seen that before.
Why yes I had. You even copied the typo's and all. Scroll down to the comments.
http://volokh.com/posts/1179187962.shtml
It was even better when you ranted about it here (once again copying it, typos and all, this time the WHOLE rant which included a bunch of other ignorant and hateful comments). Guess you figured that would get you banned?
http://forums.gametrailers.com/threa...ain--wh/462473
******** type="text/javascript" src="http://forums.gametrailers.com/js/DropDown.js"> bconngemini
Level 1
There is a direct relationship between the amount you care about soccer and the number of times you have posted on the Daily Kos. If I hated America and wanted Karl Rove dead, I'd probably like soccer, too, but that's not in the cards.
Soccer is a great game for uncoordinated kids to play because no one else out there appears to be doing it right, either. It's impossible to be humiliated while you're playing. You can't strike out, get sacked, or shoot an air ball. You can't even fight, like in hockey.
Soccer is the ideal sport for countries that don't have any other source of national pride remaining. England doesn't rule the world anymore, so they have to get worked up about soccer. Germany lost its will to fight, so they have to get worked up about soccer. And all those Latin countries are absolutely indistinguishable, so they have to set themselves apart with soccer victories. Here in America, we have a lot to be proud of, and our Army can totally pwn the rest of the world. Let the Euro-weenies, banana republic denizens, Islamizoids, liberals, and Screw-You Libertarians have their soccer. I'll pass.
Soccer is effeminate.
(I don't mean that as a pejorative. If I were looking for an accurate pejorative for soccer, I would probably choose "gaytarded," as in "soccer is totally gaytarded." But since I'm striving for class in this post, I'm not going to call soccer gaytarded.)
No, I mean it literally: soccer is a sport for women and girlie-men. Besides the wang, the physical attribute that most clearly separates men from women is upper-body strength. The most masculine of our sports exploit that strength. Baseball, basketball, football, hockey, golf, and even the weenie sport of tennis all require well-developed arms and chests. That's why very few heterosexual women excel at any of the female equivalents of these sports after puberty.
For soccer you don't need arms, and if it wasn't necessary for housing vital organs and supporing the head, you wouldn't even need a chest. That's why non-lesbian girls play soccer. If they played anything else, they'd suck at it.
And don't give me any jive about the Williams sisters. Any Division I college tennis player could totally destroy both of of those wildebeasts. Total pwn4g3.
If you play or care about soccer and you call yourself a man, you are a liar. It's a sport that requires men to cast aside what makes them men. Of course, if you live in Washington, New York, or (snicker) Greenwich, and you make your living as a law professor or in some other occupation that doesn't require you to lift anything heavier than a salad fork, well, then soccer is perfect for you, twig-boy. You won't look any more ridiculous doing it than any of the nancies competing in the World Cup, or a girls JV team.
Want to know why the rest of the world loves soccer? The rest of the world isn't filled with men anymore. It's filled with appeasers and fruits. Have you ever met a foreigner whom you didn't suspect of being gay? I rest my case.
America's soccer voluptuaries are a thin-skinnded bunch. For whatever reason, they cannot accept that Americans will never embrace soccer any more than they will embrace the other sacraments of northeast post-Christian urban elitism, like beer snobbery, giving the one kid you had at 39 a ludicrous name like "Tanner," or voting for John Kerry. If you do not like soccer with the passion of a drunken semi-literate Manchester yob, then you're a philistine. Wrap your head around that paradox, if you dare.
Look, if you want to enjoy soccer, fine. I think it's bad parenting to expose your children to it, but I'm not going to call Child Protective Services if you do. But enough with the insisting that more Americans should be or are enjoying soccer. It's like listening to Al Gore lecture us about driving hybrids, or sitting through a diversity training seminar.
For all I know they may be right: global warming might be dooming us to flooding, famine, or worse, and maybe we shouldn't be judgmental about the sexual orientations of others. And maybe soccer is the greatest sport in the history of man. But then again, I like my truck, and no amount of brainwashing is going to convince me that using the butt as an in-hole is normal. And I will always dislike soccer.
