Joke Thread

[WTF]

I love jokes, and figure that some of you may have some that I haven't heard. Add some jokes in here...

"Computer Diagnosis"

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[WTF]

Sorry, another quick favorite of mine:

Guessing Game

A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a Hershey's Kiss.
She asked, "Do you know what it is?"
Jimmy replied "No."
The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it."
Little Jimmy did so. The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?"
Little Jimmy said, "Nooooo."
The teacher said, "I'll give you a hint...it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work."
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT - IT'S A PIECE OF ***!"

[skitch]

The second one is hilarious.

[Pete1210]

Q: How many guards does it take to push a prisoner down a flight of stairs?

A: None... he fell.

[theaub]

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Stephen Harper.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Jim Flaherty.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Stephen Harper is screwing the Working Class, Jim Flaherty is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****.

[theaub]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush has a spelling bee. Clinton lost because he thought "harass" was two words.

[daflyboys]

A young boy and girl who normally walk home from school together, started talking about one of their classes from the day:

girl: I really like our health class but I don't understand this one thing the teacher keeps talking about.
boy: what's that?
girl: what's with this penis thing. He was talking about penis-this and penis-that.
boy: I dunno....but let's walk by my house first. My dad is home and he explains everything to me, so I'll ask him. You wait outside and I'll let you know what he said.

So after reaching the boy's house he proceeds to find his father reading the newspaper in the living room. He approaches his father and asks, "dad, we had this health class today and the teacher kept saying penis-this and penis-that....what's up with this penis thing?"

The father said nothing, stood up, put his newspaper down, dropped his pants, dropped his drawers and said, "son, do you see this? This is a penis. And this is a perfect penis." The father collected himself, picked his paper back up and went back to his reading.

The little boy proceeded outside where his little girl friend was waiting for an answer. She asks, "well, did you ask him? What did he say? What's with this penis-thing." The little boy didn't say a word, put his books down, dropped his pants, dropped his drawers and said, "do you see this? This is a penis. And this would be a perfect penis if it were only three inches shorter."

[WTF]

:y4: Very nice... That one was pretty good.