J-Lo Gettin Busy

rkmsuf · 03-29-2005, 12:09 PM

HAR!

hxxp://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/000798.html
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Jennifer Lopez has disgusting problems
Tuesday - March 29, 2005
They don’t just hand out websites, you know. It's an awesome responsibility, especially to an award winning* journalist such as myself. So in keeping with that, here's an completely unconfirmed story from an anonymous e-mail. Sources simply don’t come more rock solid and above reproach than that.

"In honor of another (sad) season of Project Greenlight, I thought I'd share an old Bennifer story with you, probably one you haven't heard before.

When you work in TV Field Production (as I do) you encounter many interesting crew guys with many interesting stories. This year at the Sundance Film Festival, we had just wrapped an interview with David Schwimmer where he told a funny story about Sly Stallone leaving his wireless mic on while being 'attended to' in a bathroom on set, and the evil sound mixer who turned up his volume for all to hear.

Once Schwimmer was gone our gentle Utah Local Audio guy, turned to us sheepishly and said, "Man, Schwimmer's story is nothing, I've heard way worse in my headphones on set."

The room went Silent. Our Sound Guy is one of those soft sincere dads who works in TV in a small town and is more impressed with his daughter's report card than a Hollywood star, so we were SHOCKED to hear what came out of his mouth next...

"Remember a few years ago when Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were here shooting Project Greenlight?" (They had gone to Sundance to interview directors and writers and try and create a publicity stunt and an episode out of it.) "I was doing sound in the condo where they were both lodging and filming. At one point Ben took a break from shooting and disappeared upstairs to his bedroom. By mistake he left his wireless mic on."

"Jennifer Lopez was there with Ben, but was hiding out in his room the whole time. At first when I heard Ben kissing her hello, I immediately went to turn the volume down on my headphones. But then they started kissing loudly and making noises, and I felt so guilty, but I left the sound up, and heard Jennifer saying 'I love you baby, I love you... You wanna get busy, baby. You wanna get busy?'"

"Then I heard Ben reply, .'Are you sure you're feelin' better? I don't want you to shit on me again.'"

Silence. Then screams from everyone on our crew. Our dear sound guy seemed like he had finally told a story he'd been holding onto for years, and was relieved to tell people who found it more funny than disgusting. I think it is perfectly both."

Mmmmmm, is there anything hotter than a condescending flat chested fat girl with bowel control problems. Rowwrrr, gotta get me some of that!

st.cronin · 03-29-2005, 12:15 PM

I don't believe this story, but I really hope a videotape shows up of JLo accidentally going number 2 on Ben.

rkmsuf · 03-29-2005, 12:16 PM

She looks like a pooper.

sportsfan13 · 03-29-2005, 12:18 PM

hhiipp · 03-29-2005, 12:19 PM

Cleveland steamers for all!

Franklinnoble · 03-29-2005, 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hhiipp

Cleveland steamers for all!

Damn. Stole my line.

Suicane75 · 03-29-2005, 12:46 PM

I always imagined she had a sweaty, stinky ass but this is just going too far.

Ksyrup · 03-29-2005, 12:47 PM

Leave it to Ben to ruin a perfectly good romantic and/or sexual encounter with the "I hope you don't shit on me like last time" line. I bet that kinda killed the moment.

rkmsuf · 03-29-2005, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

Leave it to Ben to ruin a perfectly good romantic and/or sexual encounter with the "I hope you don't shit on me like last time" line. I bet that kinda killed the moment.

can you blame him for exercising caution?

Desnudo · 03-29-2005, 12:49 PM

Or being a little bothered at having been prevoiusly shit on.

Ksyrup · 03-29-2005, 12:52 PM

Assuming this conversation took place, he could have referenced "that" without saying it explicitly.

cartman · 03-29-2005, 12:53 PM

Well, maybe he was trying to negotiate a Monroe Transfer...

Suicane75 · 03-29-2005, 12:54 PM

Ya know, it occurs to me that we don't know what sexual act was occuring during said movement, it's possible she was atop him in the 69 position when the accident occured.

rkmsuf · 03-29-2005, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Ya know, it occurs to me that we don't know what sexual act was occuring during said movement, it's possible she was atop him in the 69 position when the accident occured.

Maybe it was an EXTREME situation.

Desnudo · 03-29-2005, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

Assuming this conversation took place, he could have referenced "that" without saying it explicitly.

Like, "are you sure you're not going to crap on me again?"

Suicane75 · 03-29-2005, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rkmsuf

Maybe it was an EXTREME situation.

I'd say a chick shitting on your forehead is pretty fuckin extreme cocksucker.

rkmsuf · 03-29-2005, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desnudo

Like, "are you sure you're not going to crap on me again?"

"How's yer butt feelin?"

JeeberD · 03-29-2005, 12:59 PM

This thread has me slightly nauseated...

Suicane75 · 03-29-2005, 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JeeberD

This thread has me slightly nauseated...

You arn't gonna crap yourself are ya?

JeeberD · 03-29-2005, 01:03 PM

You crap when you feel nauseated? I would hate to have to smell your breath afterward...

Suicane75 · 03-29-2005, 01:12 PM

I've thought about it for an hour and I can safely proclaim that there is nothing sexy about a girl crapping on you.

Ksyrup · 03-29-2005, 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suicane75

You arn't gonna crap yourself are ya?

If so, please alert franklinnoble so he can stop the recommendation.

Ksyrup · 03-29-2005, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suicane75

I've thought about it for an hour and I can safely proclaim that there is nothing sexy about a girl crapping on you.

You're no scatman, huh?

Blackadar · 03-29-2005, 01:26 PM

Is it better to be the crapper (and live with the embarassment) or the crapee (and live with the horror)?

Of course, this topic just HAD to be my 3,000th post.

Ksyrup · 03-29-2005, 01:29 PM

All of the power, except over their bowels, which is all that matters to the crappee.

rkmsuf · 03-29-2005, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blackadar

Is it better to be the crapper (and live with the embarassment) or the crapee (and live with the horror)?

Of course, this topic just HAD to be my 3,000th post.

I'll go with the crapper. They seem to have all the power.

st.cronin · 03-29-2005, 01:31 PM

Much better to be the crapper.

Very much unsafe for work (or anywhere else) but for some very funny cartoons about this subject check out sexy losers dot com. 068 069 and 071.

stevew · 03-29-2005, 01:32 PM

Was the Gigli man trying to do it in the Butt?

Blackadar · 03-29-2005, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevew

Was the Gigli man trying to do it in the Butt?

Wouldn't you with J-Lo?

That's the only ASSet she has.

Suicane75 · 03-29-2005, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevew

Was the Gigli man trying to do it in the Butt?

Well, I lets go over our options. Seeing as how he refers to her being sick I imagine that the movement was liquidy, so lets take that into account.

1. Doggie- She either shoots on his waist or it drizzles down onto Little Ben while he's in the act, this is very gross.

2. Cowgirl- Theres a chance she shoots it out and much of it misses Little Ben, but theres gotta be some drizzle. Disgusting but not overly so.

3. Reverse Cowgirl- Probably on his stomach/chest and he can throw her off quickly but if he stands up quickly its gonna get messy. One of the more pleasant scenarios.

4. Missionary- Chances are good that the contact of Poo to Ben is minimal, this is probably the best scenario.

5. Spoon- This may be the worst, as a projectile pooing is gonna nail him right at the waist and drizzle down and a trickle down is gonna splatter all over them. Not the most contact but this is gonna be super messy and if he doesnt notice it immediately it's gonna cause a super puddle/sloppy mess and probably get on everything.

6. Oral Sex/Missionary- Now we get into the worst case scenarios where his face is involved in the pooing, in this instance its gonna shoot on his chin, and a knee jerk reaction is probably gonna deliver a good blast right into his mouth, not good.

7. Oral Sex/69/J-LO on top- This is a tough one, if she projectiles it could blast clear over his head but even so it's likely that splatter hits him and then drizzle occurs which drops it right down onto his face. Worst case is that it's all a strong drizzle and it empties right into his mouth, at which point he's on his back gagging with poo in his mouth, this could be life threatening.

8. Any Form Of Analingus- We don't even wanna go there.

Im discounting anal sex because i can't imagine that if she was feeling sick she would allow it, if it was anal sex though, ewwwwww.

So in summation, lets hope that he was doing it missionary with a condom on.

rkmsuf · 03-29-2005, 01:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Well, I lets go over our options. Seeing as how he refers to her being sick I imagine that the movement was liquidy, so lets take that into account.

1. Doggie- She either shoots on his waist or it drizzles down onto Little Ben while he's in the act, this is very gross.

2. Cowgirl- Theres a chance she shoots it out and much of it misses Little Ben, but theres gotta be some drizzle. Disgusting but not overly so.

3. Reverse Cowgirl- Probably on his stomach/chest and he can throw her off quickly but if he stands up quickly its gonna get messy. One of the more pleasant scenarios.

4. Missionary- Chances are good that the contact of Poo to Ben is minimal, this is probably the best scenario.

5. Spoon- This may be the worst, as a projectile pooing is gonna nail him right at the waist and drizzle down and a trickle down is gonna splatter all over them. Not the most contact but this is gonna be super messy and if he doesnt notice it immediately it's gonna cause a super puddle/sloppy mess and probably get on everything.

6. Oral Sex/Missionary- Now we get into the worst case scenarios where his face is involved in the pooing, in this instance its gonna shoot on his chin, and a knee jerk reaction is probably gonna deliver a good blast right into his mouth, not good.

7. Oral Sex/69/J-LO on top- This is a tough one, if she projectiles it could blast clear over his head but even so it's likely that splatter hits him and then drizzle occurs which drops it right down onto his face. Worst case is that it's all a strong drizzle and it empties right into his mouth, at which point he's on his back gagging with poo in his mouth, this could be life threatening.

8. Any Form Of Analingus- We don't even wanna go there.

Im discounting anal sex because i can't imagine that if she was feeling sick she would allow it, if it was anal sex though, ewwwwww.

So in summation, lets hope that he was doing it missionary with a condom on.

Top notch analysis.

I'm guessing the fact he used the term "shit on me" indicates he bore the brunt of much of the projectile. #1 seems the most plausible.

Franklinnoble · 03-29-2005, 01:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Well, I lets go over our options. Seeing as how he refers to her being sick I imagine that the movement was liquidy, so lets take that into account.

1. Doggie- She either shoots on his waist or it drizzles down onto Little Ben while he's in the act, this is very gross.

2. Cowgirl- Theres a chance she shoots it out and much of it misses Little Ben, but theres gotta be some drizzle. Disgusting but not overly so.

3. Reverse Cowgirl- Probably on his stomach/chest and he can throw her off quickly but if he stands up quickly its gonna get messy. One of the more pleasant scenarios.

4. Missionary- Chances are good that the contact of Poo to Ben is minimal, this is probably the best scenario.

5. Spoon- This may be the worst, as a projectile pooing is gonna nail him right at the waist and drizzle down and a trickle down is gonna splatter all over them. Not the most contact but this is gonna be super messy and if he doesnt notice it immediately it's gonna cause a super puddle/sloppy mess and probably get on everything.

6. Oral Sex/Missionary- Now we get into the worst case scenarios where his face is involved in the pooing, in this instance its gonna shoot on his chin, and a knee jerk reaction is probably gonna deliver a good blast right into his mouth, not good.

7. Oral Sex/69/J-LO on top- This is a tough one, if she projectiles it could blast clear over his head but even so it's likely that splatter hits him and then drizzle occurs which drops it right down onto his face. Worst case is that it's all a strong drizzle and it empties right into his mouth, at which point he's on his back gagging with poo in his mouth, this could be life threatening.

8. Any Form Of Analingus- We don't even wanna go there.

Im discounting anal sex because i can't imagine that if she was feeling sick she would allow it, if it was anal sex though, ewwwwww.

So in summation, lets hope that he was doing it missionary with a condom on.

Now you've officially spent too much time on this.

st.cronin · 03-29-2005, 01:51 PM

We need some female input on this... what would be the most likely position to cause you to accidentally go number 2 on your man?

Suicane75 · 03-29-2005, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by st.cronin

We need some female input on this... what would be the most likely position to cause you to accidentally go number 2 on your man?

I would guess that cowgirl or reverse cowgirl, squating would be the most likely. Any position where the girl is squatting I would think would leave them open to a very relaxed rectum, plus it's a natural pooing position.

Suicane75 · 03-29-2005, 01:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Franklinnoble

Now you've officially spent too much time on this.

Hell no. This is in my brain now.

spleen1015 · 03-29-2005, 02:02 PM

This is the funniest thread I've read in a long time. Good show, fellas.

Swaggs · 03-29-2005, 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

Leave it to Ben to ruin a perfectly good romantic and/or sexual encounter with the "I hope you don't shit on me like last time" line. I bet that kinda killed the moment.

Shit on me once, shame on me. Shit on me twice...

st.cronin · 03-29-2005, 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Swaggs

Shit on me once, shame on me. Shit on me twice...

For some reason when I read that, I mentally put the words in George Steinbrenner's mouth.

Arles · 03-29-2005, 02:10 PM

Where's the Madden telestrator when you need it?

rkmsuf · 03-29-2005, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arles

Where's the Madden telestrator when you need it?

how about a flere - o - gram.

JeeberD · 03-29-2005, 02:11 PM

Why do I keep coming back to check this thread?

Cringer · 03-29-2005, 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JeeberD

Why do I keep coming back to check this thread?

Because it's just to much fun.

Blackadar · 03-29-2005, 02:16 PM

No, it's gotta be from anal sex. Seriously, would you want any other type from J-Lo?

Cringer · 03-29-2005, 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blackadar

No, it's gotta be from anal sex. Seriously, would you want any other type from J-Lo?

I think I would be perfectly happy with the doggy style. I have never been much of an "anal guy", despite being a truck driver.

rkmsuf · 03-29-2005, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cringer

I think I would be perfectly happy with the doggy style. I have never been much of an "anal guy", despite being a truck driver.

Is that a truck driver thing or something? Never heard of that.

stevew · 03-29-2005, 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blackadar

No, it's gotta be from anal sex. Seriously, would you want any other type from J-Lo?

Especially after Puffy probably tore that shit out of the frame. With a ho like JLo, Ben's only option for sides and bottom might have been anal.

rkmsuf · 03-29-2005, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevew

Especially after Puffy probably tore that shit out of the frame. With a ho like JLo, Ben's only option for sides and bottom might have been anal.

she probably pooped all over P-Diddy as well.

Suicane75 · 03-29-2005, 02:22 PM

I highly doubt it was anal. I have never had a girl say to me "I really don't feel that good, stick it in my ass".

rkmsuf · 03-29-2005, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suicane75

I highly doubt it was anal. I have never had a girl say to me "I really don't feel that good, stick it in my ass".

There was likely no warning. She probably went on him and played it off like she wasn't feeling well after.

Suicane75 · 03-29-2005, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rkmsuf

There was likely no warning. She probably went on him and played it off like she wasn't feeling well after.

His reaction doesn't strike me as though it was anal. He sounds like he's wary of normal intercourse.

03-29-2005, 12:16 PM	#3
rkmsuf Head Coach Join Date: Dec 2001	She looks like a pooper. __________________ "Don't you have homes?" -- Judge Smales

03-29-2005, 12:18 PM	#4
sportsfan13 H.S. Freshman Team Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Cleveland	OMG.

03-29-2005, 12:47 PM	#8
Ksyrup This guy has posted so much, his fingers are about to fall off. Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: In Absentia	Leave it to Ben to ruin a perfectly good romantic and/or sexual encounter with the "I hope you don't shit on me like last time" line. I bet that kinda killed the moment. __________________ M's pitcher Miguel Batista: "Now, I feel like I've had everything. I've talked pitching with Sandy Koufax, had Kenny G play for me. Maybe if I could have an interview with God, then I'd be served. I'd be complete."

03-29-2005, 12:52 PM	#11
Ksyrup This guy has posted so much, his fingers are about to fall off. Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: In Absentia	Assuming this conversation took place, he could have referenced "that" without saying it explicitly. __________________ M's pitcher Miguel Batista: "Now, I feel like I've had everything. I've talked pitching with Sandy Koufax, had Kenny G play for me. Maybe if I could have an interview with God, then I'd be served. I'd be complete."

03-29-2005, 12:53 PM	#12
cartman Death Herald Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Le stelle la notte sono grandi e luminose nel cuore profondo del Texas	Well, maybe he was trying to negotiate a Monroe Transfer... __________________ Thinkin' of a master plan 'Cuz ain't nuthin' but sweat inside my hand So I dig into my pocket, all my money is spent So I dig deeper but still comin' up with lint

03-29-2005, 12:15 PM	#2
st.cronin General Manager Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: New Mexico	I don't believe this story, but I really hope a videotape shows up of JLo accidentally going number 2 on Ben.

03-29-2005, 12:19 PM	#5
hhiipp College Prospect Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: OH	Cleveland steamers for all!

03-29-2005, 12:46 PM	#7
Suicane75 Coordinator Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: NJ	I always imagined she had a sweaty, stinky ass but this is just going too far.

03-29-2005, 12:49 PM	#10
Desnudo Coordinator Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Here and There	Or being a little bothered at having been prevoiusly shit on.

03-29-2005, 12:54 PM	#13
Suicane75 Coordinator Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: NJ	Ya know, it occurs to me that we don't know what sexual act was occuring during said movement, it's possible she was atop him in the 69 position when the accident occured.

03-29-2005, 12:59 PM	#18
JeeberD General Manager Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The Town of Flower Mound	This thread has me slightly nauseated... __________________ UTEP Miners!!! I solemnly swear to never cheer for TO

03-29-2005, 01:03 PM	#20
JeeberD General Manager Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The Town of Flower Mound	You crap when you feel nauseated? I would hate to have to smell your breath afterward... __________________ UTEP Miners!!! I solemnly swear to never cheer for TO

03-29-2005, 01:12 PM	#21
Suicane75 Coordinator Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: NJ	I've thought about it for an hour and I can safely proclaim that there is nothing sexy about a girl crapping on you.

03-29-2005, 01:26 PM	#24
Blackadar Retired Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Fantasyland	Is it better to be the crapper (and live with the embarassment) or the crapee (and live with the horror)? Of course, this topic just HAD to be my 3,000th post.

03-29-2005, 01:29 PM	#25
Ksyrup This guy has posted so much, his fingers are about to fall off. Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: In Absentia	All of the power, except over their bowels, which is all that matters to the crappee. __________________ M's pitcher Miguel Batista: "Now, I feel like I've had everything. I've talked pitching with Sandy Koufax, had Kenny G play for me. Maybe if I could have an interview with God, then I'd be served. I'd be complete."

03-29-2005, 01:31 PM	#27
st.cronin General Manager Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: New Mexico	Much better to be the crapper. Very much unsafe for work (or anywhere else) but for some very funny cartoons about this subject check out sexy losers dot com. 068 069 and 071.

03-29-2005, 01:32 PM	#28
stevew Hall Of Famer Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: the yo'	Was the Gigli man trying to do it in the Butt?

03-29-2005, 01:51 PM	#33
st.cronin General Manager Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: New Mexico	We need some female input on this... what would be the most likely position to cause you to accidentally go number 2 on your man?

03-29-2005, 02:02 PM	#36
spleen1015 Coordinator Join Date: Sep 2003	This is the funniest thread I've read in a long time. Good show, fellas. __________________ Why choose failure when success is an option?

03-29-2005, 02:10 PM	#39
Arles Grey Dog Software Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Phoenix, AZ by way of Belleville, IL	Where's the Madden telestrator when you need it? __________________ Developer of Bowl Bound College Football http://www.greydogsoftware.com Last edited by Arles : 03-29-2005 at 02:10 PM.

03-29-2005, 02:11 PM	#41
JeeberD General Manager Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The Town of Flower Mound	Why do I keep coming back to check this thread? __________________ UTEP Miners!!! I solemnly swear to never cheer for TO

03-29-2005, 02:16 PM	#43
Blackadar Retired Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Fantasyland	No, it's gotta be from anal sex. Seriously, would you want any other type from J-Lo?

03-29-2005, 02:22 PM	#48
Suicane75 Coordinator Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: NJ	I highly doubt it was anal. I have never had a girl say to me "I really don't feel that good, stick it in my ass".

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