Help Improve This Guy's Resume

duckman · 08-17-2006, 01:25 PM

I work at the state employment office and I was going over this guy's work history when I saw this:

Quote:

Occupation: Chicken Killer

Description: I kill chickens.

This is the exact wording on his resume. How would you re-word this?

st.cronin · 08-17-2006, 01:27 PM

Occupation: Chicken Killer

Description: I kill chickens, but not by choking them.

WSUCougar · 08-17-2006, 01:32 PM

Chicken Terminator

Draft Dodger · 08-17-2006, 01:35 PM

Poultry Elimination Engineer

wade moore · 08-17-2006, 01:42 PM

Occupation: Poultry Decapitation Specialist

Description: To efficiently remove the head of Gallus gallus domesticus as the initial step in the poultry preparation process. Duties performed in such a way as to maximize the quality of the final product and to minimize the work necessary by the Sanitation Engineers.

WSUCougar · 08-17-2006, 01:43 PM

Please tell me you had to look up Gallus gallus domesticus. Please do that.

heybrad · 08-17-2006, 01:44 PM

I like it as is, but I think I might add a little blood stain on the page.

st.cronin · 08-17-2006, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WSUCougar

Please tell me you had to look up Gallus gallus domesticus. Please do that.

Why would he have to look it up when it's perfectly obvious that he MADE IT UP.

Coffee Warlord · 08-17-2006, 01:45 PM

Director of Poultry Collection and Decomissioning

Simms · 08-17-2006, 01:47 PM

Occupation: Poultry Dispatcher

Description: Utilized physical abilities, as well as a diverse range of tools and scientific knowledge, to efficiently relieve poultry samples of all vital signs on a daily basis.

JPhillips · 08-17-2006, 01:49 PM

Serial Killer Junior Grade

To develop an efficient and complete paralyzation of the human conscience in preparation for the strangling and butchering of human female sex industry workers

Farrah Whitworth-Rahn · 08-17-2006, 01:55 PM

I would change it to:

Kitten Killer

I kill kittens.

At least then it would be funny.

Suburban Rhythm · 08-17-2006, 01:57 PM

Who says it needs improving? I think he explained himself pretty well.

Desmond · 08-17-2006, 02:07 PM

Sweeet, the Wu Tang Clan is taking applications again.

Bee · 08-17-2006, 02:23 PM

Unless he still has the job shouldn't he say "I killed chickens"?

Ksyrup · 08-17-2006, 02:24 PM

I remember reading one application for a legal secretary that described a previous job the applicant had at a hosiery factory. Not exactly relevant, but OK, it's a job. Then I got to the description - she worked with imperfect product, sewing two different halves of women's stockings together for resale. I probably would have just stopped with the general description.

ice4277 · 08-17-2006, 02:39 PM

"Don't Hire Me!"

Butter · 08-17-2006, 02:46 PM

Obviously, this was in his past work history, so it should probably be "I kilt chickens".

Bad-example · 08-17-2006, 02:51 PM

This guy sounds like a fowl murderer.

Desnudo · 08-17-2006, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by duckman

I work at the state employment office and I was going over this guy's work history when I saw this:

This is the exact wording on his resume. How would you re-word this?

Agricultural Distribution Manager

Responsible for managing up to a hundred employees at a high stress, high volume agricultural firm and ensuring on-time, on-budget arrival of said employees to processing plant.

wade moore · 08-17-2006, 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WSUCougar

Please tell me you had to look up Gallus gallus domesticus. Please do that.

Wikipedia is my friend.

Lorena · 08-17-2006, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bad-example

This guy sounds like a fowl murderer.

Mustang · 08-17-2006, 05:23 PM

That resume is the equivalent of "Snakes on a Plane"...

Occupation: Programmer
Description: I program

Occupation: Cook
Description: I cook

Occupation: Prostitue
Description: I screw you

Occupation: Politician
Description: I screw you

AZSpeechCoach · 08-18-2006, 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bee

Unless he still has the job shouldn't he say "I killed chickens"?

Maybe he's looking to moonlight?

sterlingice · 08-18-2006, 12:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bad-example

This guy sounds like a fowl murderer.

Bad, but in a good way

SI

Shkspr · 08-18-2006, 02:20 AM

If he only chased the chickens around, he could probably pay a guy a couple hundred to change his name to "Liberator" or "Avatar" or something.

MrBug708 · 08-18-2006, 02:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coffee Warlord

Director of Poultry Collection and Decomissioning

lol

SackAttack · 08-18-2006, 03:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mustang

Occupation: Prostitute
Description: I screw you

No, no.

"Me love you long time."

Quote:

Occupation: Politician
Description: I screw you

Or else the terrorists win.

stevew · 08-18-2006, 03:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Farrah Whitworth-Rahn

I would change it to:

Kitten Killer

I kill kittens.

At least then it would be funny.

Occupation: Kitten killer
Description: I post on message boards.

08-17-2006, 01:27 PM	#2
st.cronin General Manager Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: New Mexico	Occupation: Chicken Killer Description: I kill chickens, but not by choking them. __________________ co-commish: bb-bbcf.net knives out

08-17-2006, 01:32 PM	#3
WSUCougar Rider Of Rohan Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Port Angeles, WA or Helm's Deep	Chicken Terminator __________________ It's not the years...it's the mileage.

08-17-2006, 01:35 PM	#4
Draft Dodger Coordinator Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Keene, NH	Poultry Elimination Engineer __________________ Mile High Hockey

08-17-2006, 01:43 PM	#6
WSUCougar Rider Of Rohan Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Port Angeles, WA or Helm's Deep	Please tell me you had to look up Gallus gallus domesticus. Please do that. __________________ It's not the years...it's the mileage.

08-17-2006, 01:47 PM	#10
Simms FOBL Commish Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Team Radii	Occupation: Poultry Dispatcher Description: Utilized physical abilities, as well as a diverse range of tools and scientific knowledge, to efficiently relieve poultry samples of all vital signs on a daily basis. __________________ FOBL Commissioner 34 Productions Web Design

08-17-2006, 01:44 PM	#7
heybrad Norm!!! Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Manassas, VA	I like it as is, but I think I might add a little blood stain on the page.

08-17-2006, 01:45 PM	#9
Coffee Warlord Head Coach Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Colorado Springs	Director of Poultry Collection and Decomissioning

08-17-2006, 01:49 PM	#11
JPhillips Hall Of Famer Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Newburgh, NY	Serial Killer Junior Grade To develop an efficient and complete paralyzation of the human conscience in preparation for the strangling and butchering of human female sex industry workers __________________ To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.. - Mr. Rogers

08-17-2006, 01:55 PM	#12
Farrah Whitworth-Rahn Red-Headed Vixen Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Phoenix, AZ	I would change it to: Kitten Killer I kill kittens. At least then it would be funny.

08-17-2006, 01:57 PM	#13
Suburban Rhythm Pro Starter Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Pittsburgh	Who says it needs improving? I think he explained himself pretty well. __________________ "Do you guys play fast tempos with odd time signatures?" "Yeah" "Cool!!"

08-17-2006, 02:07 PM	#14
Desmond Banned Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: The Hatch	Sweeet, the Wu Tang Clan is taking applications again.

08-17-2006, 02:23 PM	#15
Bee Pro Starter Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Fairfax, VA	Unless he still has the job shouldn't he say "I killed chickens"?

08-17-2006, 02:24 PM	#16
Ksyrup This guy has posted so much, his fingers are about to fall off. Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: In Absentia	I remember reading one application for a legal secretary that described a previous job the applicant had at a hosiery factory. Not exactly relevant, but OK, it's a job. Then I got to the description - she worked with imperfect product, sewing two different halves of women's stockings together for resale. I probably would have just stopped with the general description. __________________ M's pitcher Miguel Batista: "Now, I feel like I've had everything. I've talked pitching with Sandy Koufax, had Kenny G play for me. Maybe if I could have an interview with God, then I'd be served. I'd be complete."

08-17-2006, 02:39 PM	#17
ice4277 Pro Rookie Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Berkley, MI: The Hotbed of FOFC!	"Don't Hire Me!"

08-17-2006, 02:46 PM	#18
Butter Coordinator Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Dayton, OH	Obviously, this was in his past work history, so it should probably be "I kilt chickens". __________________ My listening habits

08-17-2006, 02:51 PM	#19
Bad-example College Starter Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: san jose CA	This guy sounds like a fowl murderer.

08-17-2006, 05:23 PM	#23
Mustang Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Wisconsin	That resume is the equivalent of "Snakes on a Plane"... Occupation: Programmer Description: I program Occupation: Cook Description: I cook Occupation: Prostitue Description: I screw you Occupation: Politician Description: I screw you __________________ You, you will regret what you have done this day. I will make you regret ever being born. Your going to wish you never left your mothers womb, where it was warm and safe... and wet. i am going to show you pain you never knew existed, you are going to see a whole new spectrum of pain, like a Rainboooow. But! This rainbow is not just like any other rainbow, its...

08-18-2006, 02:20 AM	#26
Shkspr College Benchwarmer Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Amarillo, TX	If he only chased the chickens around, he could probably pay a guy a couple hundred to change his name to "Liberator" or "Avatar" or something.

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