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08-08-2012, 11:36 AM
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#1 | ||
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Pro Starter
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Burke, VA
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So I found a cell phone
I was taking a dump at work and I found a cell phone on the floor next to the toilet - a cheap pink clamshell phone. I can't possibly just let it sit there, so being the nice guy that I am I go through it to try and identify the person to whom it belongs so I can return it. The call history and contact list didn't really help so I checked out the archived texts, both sent and received.
Well, the guy who owns this phone is a racist misogynistic piece of shit who cheats on his girlfriend, doesn't pay child support on either of his 2 kids, blows all of his money on drugs and alcohol, and loves pictures of chicks with huge asses. What to do, what to do... |
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08-08-2012, 11:38 AM
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#2 | ||
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Pro Starter
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Oakland, CA
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He's got all that on his phone?
You've got to fuck with him. I can't see any other options. **EDIT: I mean, a pink fucking phone? Good God.
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Quote:
Quote:
Last edited by Rizon : 08-08-2012 at 11:38 AM. |
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08-08-2012, 11:38 AM
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#3 |
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General Manager
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Mountains
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Dynasty thread.
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08-08-2012, 11:38 AM
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#4 |
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Coordinator
Join Date: Sep 2003
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Fuck with him and his contacts.
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Why choose failure when success is an option? |
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08-08-2012, 11:42 AM
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#5 |
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General Manager
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Mountains
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Pick a couple contacts at random and text them that you've been "confused by feelings" you've had about them lately.
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08-08-2012, 11:45 AM
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#6 |
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Coordinator
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: San Diego via Sausalito via San Jose via San Diego
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Start sending texts that he is going to go in for gender reassignment surgery and that people should get used to calling him Nancy.
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I'm no longer a Chargers fan, they are dead to me Coming this summer to a movie theater near you: The Adventures of Jedikooter: Part 4 |
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08-08-2012, 11:46 AM
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#7 |
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Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Where Hip Hop lives
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Change his ring tone to Baby Got Back.
__________________
. . I would rather be wrong...Than live in the shadows of your song...My mind is open wide...And now I'm ready to start...You're not sure...You open the door...And step out into the dark...Now I'm ready. |
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08-08-2012, 11:49 AM
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#8 |
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Head Coach
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Bath, ME
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I hope the twist at the end is that you realize this is your phone.
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08-08-2012, 11:57 AM
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#9 | |
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Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Where Hip Hop lives
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Quote:
This could totally be turned into a Memento 2 plot.
__________________
. . I would rather be wrong...Than live in the shadows of your song...My mind is open wide...And now I'm ready to start...You're not sure...You open the door...And step out into the dark...Now I'm ready. |
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08-08-2012, 11:57 AM
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#10 |
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Head Coach
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Seven miles up
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The truth will set you free. Not you, but this other guy with the pink phone. He needs some truth in his life.
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He's just like if Snow White was competitive, horny, and capable of beating the shit out of anyone that called her Pops. |
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08-08-2012, 12:03 PM
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#11 |
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Head Coach
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Bath, ME
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More likely plot is Toddzilla harasses this guy and then finds out it's his boss. Or his best friend.
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08-08-2012, 12:05 PM
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#12 | |
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Coordinator
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: PNW
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Quote:
Or like that one Liam Neeson movie. |
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08-08-2012, 12:06 PM
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#13 |
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General Manager
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Mountains
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If you want to be more practical, maybe just forward some of the incriminating texts to his girlfriend, call it a day, and leave the phone where you found it.
Last edited by molson : 08-08-2012 at 12:07 PM. |
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08-08-2012, 12:17 PM
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#14 |
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Coordinator
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: San Diego via Sausalito via San Jose via San Diego
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Find a sign that is at the US/Mexico border that says, "Welcome to Mexico!!" and then send that pic with a text caption "Almost home free!!".
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I'm no longer a Chargers fan, they are dead to me Coming this summer to a movie theater near you: The Adventures of Jedikooter: Part 4 |
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08-08-2012, 12:23 PM
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#15 |
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Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: the yo'
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Todd's probably going to get a beat down from a large black dude(playing the percentages on the big asses part) who probably isn't racist. I'd make sure to silence that ringer.
Last edited by stevew : 08-08-2012 at 12:24 PM. |
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08-08-2012, 12:24 PM
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#16 | |
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College Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The DMV
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Quote:
Toddzilla = Tyler Durden? |
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08-08-2012, 12:30 PM
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#17 |
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Coordinator
Join Date: Oct 2000
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I can barely stomach touching the door handles in a public restroom.
I'm impressed that you picked something up from a bathroom floor. |
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08-08-2012, 12:54 PM
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#18 | |
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Bonafide Seminole Fan
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Florida
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Quote:
Man... not that it matters but is this guy white or black?
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Living in an Oligarchy. |
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08-08-2012, 12:56 PM
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#19 |
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Grizzled Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: MA
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You could always do horrible vile things to the phone and then give it back to him. Think stink palm, but worse and more creative.
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08-08-2012, 12:58 PM
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#20 | |
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Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Massachusetts
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Quote:
Honestly, this is what I'd do. Karma and all. And honestly, if you were the other party in that relationship don't you think you'd want to know?
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Get bent whoever hacked my pw and changed my signature. |
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08-08-2012, 01:01 PM
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#21 |
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Pro Starter
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Burke, VA
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It seems like fucking with this douche is the way to go, and being the lazy sort, I think I may just call up his children's mother and say I have so-and-so's pink phone if you want it. Let her go through all the shit that's on it.
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08-08-2012, 01:02 PM
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#22 |
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Pro Starter
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Burke, VA
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Oh, I did get one call on it about a half hour ago. I answered it with a very effeminate "helooooooooo?" and they hung up.
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08-08-2012, 01:03 PM
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#23 |
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Coordinator
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: San Diego via Sausalito via San Jose via San Diego
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This thread has potential. Don't let us down Toddzilla!
__________________
I'm no longer a Chargers fan, they are dead to me Coming this summer to a movie theater near you: The Adventures of Jedikooter: Part 4 |
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08-08-2012, 01:44 PM
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#24 |
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Pro Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
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Is it possible to send pics on that phone?
because you could always send to everybody the pics of the asses. or take a shot of your junk & send it to people, then just put the phone back where you found it. |
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08-08-2012, 01:46 PM
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#25 |
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Pro Starter
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Burke, VA
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I texted the girlfriend and now all of a sudden she's very protective of her man. GIVE THE PHONE BACK NOW! ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!
I may have to take a picture of my cock and send it to this chick right before i flush this down the shitter |
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08-08-2012, 01:49 PM
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#26 |
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Head Coach
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Surfside Beach,SC USA
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Ya know Todd its a shame that when you went to flush the toilet, the cellphone fell in and was gone before you could do anything about it...Not very fun I suppose, but an appropriate resting place based on what you found on it.
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08-08-2012, 01:49 PM
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#27 |
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Head Coach
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Surfside Beach,SC USA
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Hmmm I see you had the same idea
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08-08-2012, 01:56 PM
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#28 |
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Coordinator
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Jacksonville, FL
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text her back about the things her man's been hiding from her.
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Jacksonville-florida-homes-for-sale Putting a New Spin on Real Estate! ----------------------------------------------------------- Commissioner of the USFL USFL |
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08-08-2012, 02:06 PM
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#29 |
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Pro Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
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is there copy & paste functions on texting?
if you have to take another dump, text her that he can find it in the john, where he left it. but put it in the unflushed bowl sitting right on a big turd. then watch for the guy with the pink phone & you'll know. you can also put the phone in your asscrack & know that you stinkphoned him. |
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08-08-2012, 02:09 PM
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#30 |
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Pro Starter
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Burke, VA
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Oh, this is going to be the stinkiest stinkphone in the history of stink.
and phones. |
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08-08-2012, 02:10 PM
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#31 | ||
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Pro Starter
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Oakland, CA
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So if you took a dump at work, the guy can't narrow down that you may have found the phone, right?
__________________
Quote:
Quote:
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08-08-2012, 02:18 PM
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#32 |
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College Prospect
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Bryson Shitty, NC
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Keep the phone. Purchase a one time use phone from Best Buy, put all the relevant contacts from the pink phone in it. Take it with you places and take its picture with a rope tied around it next to road signs, landmarks, etc. Send the pictures from that phone to everyone on the contact list that you added to the new phone. When you call people, tell them "This is evil phone, I have your precious pinky".
Finally, send one last message with the new phone to the contact you most believe would try to retrieve the phone, then put the two phones in the same place, with the new phone holding a knife to the pink phone. Give them the coordinates, tell them they have 3 hours or Pinky gets it.
__________________
Recklessly enthused, stubbornly amused. FUCK EA
Last edited by Julio Riddols : 08-08-2012 at 02:22 PM. |
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08-08-2012, 02:25 PM
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#33 |
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Grizzled Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Manchester, CT
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You could also not steal, destroy or vandalize somebody's property.
__________________
81-78 Cincinnati basketball writer P. Daugherty, "Connor Barwin playing several minutes against Syracuse is like kids with slingshots taking down Caesar's legions." |
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08-08-2012, 02:26 PM
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#34 | |
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Grizzled Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: MA
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Quote:
That's a pretty awful idea imho. |
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08-08-2012, 02:26 PM
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#35 |
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lolzcat
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: sans pants
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I think it would be pretty funny if this guy somehow tracked you down and gave you a massive fucking beatdown.
__________________
Superman was flying around and saw Wonder Woman getting a tan in the nude on her balcony. Superman said I going to hit that real fast. So he flys down toward Wonder Woman to hit it and their is a loud scream. The Invincible Man scream what just hit me in the ass!!!!! I do shit, I take pictures, I write about it: chrisshue.com |
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08-08-2012, 02:31 PM
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#36 | |
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Coordinator
Join Date: Jan 2002
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Quote:
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Down Goes Brown: Toronto Maple Leafs Humor and Analysis |
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08-08-2012, 02:36 PM
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#37 | |
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College Prospect
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Buffalo,NY
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Quote:
Damn Dudley Do-Right....... |
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08-08-2012, 02:39 PM
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#38 | |
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Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Behind Enemy Lines in Athens, GA
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Quote:
This is, I do believe, sorta how karma works. Or something like that. Of course, given the indications we've got about the phone owner's character thus far, he would administer said beatdown and then step in front of a bus or something. THAT actually seems to be more like how karma works. In the end, there really isn't a winner.
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"I lit another cigarette. Unless I specifically inform you to the contrary, I am always lighting another cigarette." - from a novel by Martin Amis Last edited by JonInMiddleGA : 08-08-2012 at 02:40 PM. |
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08-08-2012, 02:41 PM
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#39 |
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Pro Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Appleton, WI
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08-08-2012, 02:43 PM
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#40 |
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Dark Cloud
Join Date: Apr 2001
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Not sure the need of vigilante justice over a found cell phone, frankly.
Last edited by Young Drachma : 08-08-2012 at 02:43 PM. |
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08-08-2012, 02:45 PM
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#41 |
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College Prospect
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Bryson Shitty, NC
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It would be an interesting twist if the phone was his girls phone and she was the one cheating, and he took the phone this morning, read the messages she had been getting on the shitter, and sat it down before going somewhere to cry.
__________________
Recklessly enthused, stubbornly amused. FUCK EA
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08-08-2012, 02:47 PM
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#42 |
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Head Coach
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Bath, ME
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Toddzilla may not be the hero we need, DarkCloud, but he is the hero we deserve.
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08-08-2012, 02:49 PM
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#43 | |
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Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Massachusetts
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Quote:
Honestly - a pink clamshell phone...maybe that wouldn't be the most surprising twist...
__________________
Get bent whoever hacked my pw and changed my signature. |
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08-08-2012, 02:54 PM
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#44 | |
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Pro Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
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Quote:
Indeed. His girl likes girls with big asses. |
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08-08-2012, 03:06 PM
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#45 |
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College Prospect
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Bryson Shitty, NC
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I didn't say it would be surprising. I'm no Shyamalan.
__________________
Recklessly enthused, stubbornly amused. FUCK EA
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08-08-2012, 03:11 PM
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#46 | |
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Coordinator
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Early, TX
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Quote:
Yep. Come on. The guy might be an ass, but you're a bigger ass for even posting the stuff you have. Are you a fucking cop? Are you an official PI? You just sound like a bitter asshole who found a way to soothe his own ego. I don't think you are that kind of guy, as you have helped me big-time in the past year, but I'm being blunt and saying what you appear to be in this situation.
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Just beat the devil out of it!!! - Bob Ross |
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08-08-2012, 03:17 PM
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#47 | |
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Dark Cloud
Join Date: Apr 2001
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Quote:
The fuck? |
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08-08-2012, 03:19 PM
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#48 |
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Pro Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
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Calm down Nancy... he hasn't given any specifics. You'll get your phone back soon.
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08-08-2012, 03:19 PM
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#49 | |
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lolzcat
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: sans pants
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Quote:
__________________
Superman was flying around and saw Wonder Woman getting a tan in the nude on her balcony. Superman said I going to hit that real fast. So he flys down toward Wonder Woman to hit it and their is a loud scream. The Invincible Man scream what just hit me in the ass!!!!! I do shit, I take pictures, I write about it: chrisshue.com |
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08-08-2012, 03:20 PM
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#50 | |||
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Pro Starter
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Oakland, CA
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Quote:
+50
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