Brand-Naming Your Kids

[Ksyrup]

We're getting to the point of talking about names for the bun in the oven (which we should know the sex of by mid-December), but since "ESPN" is already taken, I guess we'll have to come up with something more original. :rolleyes:

A story about some f**cked up people... (http://www.wtopnews.com/index.php?sid=142203&nid=25)


Brand Names ... for Kids?
Updated: Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003 - 4:44 AM


WASHINGTON - Baby, baby. What's in a name?

Years ago, it used to be people named their kids after religious figures and saints.

Or they named them after dad or grandma or mom's favorite aunt.

Forget Mike or John.

Today, the latest trend in baby names takes pop-culture to a new level, naming kids after consumer products.

Yes, parents are naming their children after cars, clothing, hair dye and even canned peas.

Infiniti. Celica. Armani. Timberland. Nautica. L'Oreal. Del Monte.

Those are some of the names that Cleveland Evans, a psychology professor at Nebraska's Bellevue University and a member of the American Name Society, found when he studied Social Security records for the year 2000.

According to a web article on World Magazine's site, Evans also found two separate parents, one in Texas and one in Michigan, who named their sons ESPN after the sports cable network.

If that's not bad enough.

One WTOP staffer has talked with teen girls named Nonchalant and Unnecessary.

Imagine introducing yourself at a job interview with those names.

And, no kidding, another staffer has even heard of one named Syphilis.

Boy, you can bet she'll have a hard time getting a date.

(Copyright 2003 by WTOP. All Rights Reserved.)

[Franklin]

What a stupid idea.

I mean, I'd at least want some money for naming my kid after a company or product.

[Ksyrup]

I know. Just think how much I could get for naming my son "Tommy."

[mckerney]

Soda

[bigdawg2003]

Seven

[Ksyrup]

Originally posted by mckerney
Soda

The wife and I would fight over that one. I'd want to call...uh...it...Pop.

[QuikSand]

This issue was going around my cirle of friendsa year or two ago, when one couple was expecting.

I offered to personally put up $5,000 if they really went with "Chips Ahoy" McCoy. It would have been money well spent.

[Buzzbee]

I think I'll name my next kid Trojan Buster.

Or perhaps Stayfree Maxipad if it's a girl. Of course we'll just call her Maxie, or Max for short.

[QuikSand]

I once had a student whose given name was Mary, but who went exclusively by L'Oreal. I guess she was worth it. ::rimshot::

[sabotai]

*shakes head*

*reads article again*

*sighs and shakes head*

[Ksyrup]

Seriously, though, who would name their kid Unnecessary? I mean, I have a cousin who was jokingly nicknamed Boo-boo (because he was a mistake), but that name kinda left him as a toddler. It's quite another thing to have to write "Unnecessary" on your college applications.

This one sounds like it is ripe for snopes material, but I had a friend in college who says a friend of his was a substitute teacher in the Orlando area and had a girl in one of his classess named Shithead - pronounced "shi - THADE." I've never quite believed it, but I wouldn't doubt it, either.

[QuikSand]

The urban legends in this regard usually have at least a trace of classism or racism involved... things like kids being named "fe-MAH-lee" (since it was already on the birth certificate, and to the mother this was a perfectly acceptable name) or twins being named "Lemonjello" and "Oranjello." Most dedicated followers of urban myths like to see some element of either mockery or moralism in their preferred pass-alongs, and making fun of other types of people's willingness to use unusual names fits the bill pretty well.

[Buzzbee]

Yes, I think Shithead, Lemonjello, and Oranjello all attended several schools near where I live.

[korme]

What if you named your kid Mistake?

[Ksyrup]

"I'm sorry, but you must be sadly mistaken."

"Yes, I am!"

[heybrad]

Originally posted by Ksyrup
Shithead - pronounced "shi - THADE
Reminds me of the Saturday Night Live episode where Nicholas Cage is named Asswipe - pronounced Oz Wee Pay.

[ice4277]

Originally posted by Ksyrup
This one sounds like it is ripe for snopes material, but I had a friend in college who says a friend of his was a substitute teacher in the Orlando area and had a girl in one of his classess named Shithead - pronounced "shi - THADE." I've never quite believed it, but I wouldn't doubt it, either.

Funny you mention this; a friend of mine's sister told me that she had a kid in class named 'Shithead' as well. Keep in mind, she said the person was in her class, and she is not the type of person who would make something like this up.

[Qwikshot]

Originally posted by Ksyrup
The wife and I would fight over that one. I'd want to call...uh...it...Pop.

Sodapop was a character name in S.E. Hinton's "Outsiders", his younger brother was Ponyboy.

Now if you called your kid, Coke or Pepsi...ick.

[Ksyrup]

Imagine the inferiority complex if you named him "Diet Rite."

Although Shasta is kinda cool...

[cuervo72]

Shasta McNasty

(also sounds like a pirate name)

[tucker342]

:Shakes head:

I feel sorry for these kids.... They must have very sick parents....

[sooner333]

Lemonjello and Oranjello make an appearance in a Dan Jenkins novel. They are twin running backs, I believe. TCU recruited two twins also in the book Avis and Budget. It's all fiction though.

[Neuqua]

I actually like the name Armani

[thesloppy]

I have a couple of friends who claim to have gone to school with a boy named "Cocaine Johnson", but they have yet to offer up any evidence.

[Franklin]

I don't know about product endorsements, but I think it'd be funny if kids had names like Cornholio...

Not my kids, of course. Just someone else's kids.

[VPI97]

I went to middle school with a kid named Nike. It was spelled like the shoe, but he wanted it pronounced like 'Mike'...but with an 'N', of course. I think that was a result from years of teasing.

[Ksyrup]

Did he sign his homework with a swoosh?

[Airhog]

I remember few years back the video game Turok was offering up some cash to anyone who would change their name

[CamEdwards]

I was a "principal for a day" today, and the school secretary's name was Chiquita.

Chiquita Johnson. Owner of the finest butt I've ever seen on a school secretary.

[mckerney]

Originally posted by CamEdwards
I was a "principal for a day" today, and the school secretary's name was Chiquita.

Chiquita Johnson. Owner of the finest butt I've ever seen on a school secretary.

So, when shoudl be be able to hear the details of the sexual harrassment suit?

:p

[Franklin]

Originally posted by CamEdwards
I was a "principal for a day" today, and the school secretary's name was Chiquita.

Chiquita Johnson. Owner of the finest butt I've ever seen on a school secretary.

Chiquita Johnson... a phallic name if there ever was one...

[Draft Dodger]

they should force the parents to change their names to Fuckheaded Parent or something.

although, I did choose the name Graham with the thought that the people who make Graham Crackers might want to send a little dough our way

[korme]

One of my friend is Dave and he like's pale ale. He also happens to be the only indian-american that I am friends with as Milford is not too diverse.

Anyway, we were looking at some beer online and there is a beer called Indian Dave's Pale Ale. Our jaws all dropped and we all laughed.

Interesting, no?

[Easy Mac]

I used to know a kid in my middle school named Cocaine Cante. He used to play against me in little league baseball. Hell of an athlete, but you really don't have to wonder why he never made it out of middle school (rumor had it that his sister was named marijuana, but we never tried to confirm it)

There was also a kid named Bone in my school, it was his real name.

[Easy Mac]

dola, we also had ROTC officers that were Colonel Wood and Major Knox (I guess Wood had to be a major at some point... Know Wood... laugh.)

[oykib]

In Japan, it's illegal to give your kids jackass names. The government just won't let you do it. I read an article about it in the Japan Times about it a year or so ago.

Some damn knuckleheads wanted to name their son Akuma-- I guess after the SF character. But that means 'demon' in Japan. They went to register the name at their city office and were told no dice.

[Bonegavel]

I went to register Fritz and they wrote down Anal Warts. I was relieved, as Fritz would have caused severe beatings for junior in school.

[Craptacular]

I think I've relayed this story to the board before, but it fits well. A friend of mine had a temp job adding the names of newborns to insurance databases, etc. One day, he told me about a great one he had gotten that day.

"Congratulations Mrs. Jones on your new baby girl. Have you got a name picked out?"

"Yeah Doc, I'm naming her after my two favorite things in life."








Marijuana.

Pepsi.

Jones.

[Buccaneer]

I still prefer the names within my generation: Starshine, Windstar, Sun, Moon, etc.

[Buzzbee]

Originally posted by Buccaneer
I still prefer the names within my generation: Starshine, Windstar, Sun, Moon, etc.

Bucc - But in YOUR generation God was still naming his creations. :D

[CamEdwards]

ouch. I was going to make a cro-magnon joke, but you went back even further. :)

[wbonnell]

I wish our culture valued meaningful names. My wife and I are actually considering waiting a few weeks to name our 3rd boy (due in February). Well, okay. *I* am considering it. :)

[Chief Rum]

Originally posted by CamEdwards
ouch. I was going to make a cro-magnon joke, but you went back even further. :)

Technically, you would have gone back further than he did. The Bible seems pretty set the world began 7000 years ago or so, when God would have been naming things. Cro-Magnons were around some 10,000 years before that. ;)

CR

[bionicgrov03]

couldn't hesitate any longer.

by the way, these guys are hilarious.

http://www.rock103.com/drakeandzeke/_bbn/

[Raven Hawk]

Priceless:

"The Bad Baby Name for 10/16/02 is: Kalamatitty Hamilton"

[sterlingice]

If I ran the country with an iron fist like I really want to, these are the types of people who would be drug out into the street and hung for all to see. Then their children would be renamed and the whole incident never spoken of again. Hmmm... it's probably good I don't rule this country with an iron fist.

I can almost understand "Infiniti. Celica. Armani. Timberland. Nautica. L'Oreal. Del Monte. " Well, those last two are suspect, but if you name your kid Syphilis, you deserve to be infected with it. Nonchalant and Unnecessary? We deem your life as such and claim it as our own. Did I mention that if I ran this country with an iron fist, we'd have a giant salt mine or some sort of mine where these parents would be forced to work. Both parents. I mean, if you can't keep your spouse from naming your progeny things like this, then you, too, deserve punishment. Only, you get the equivalent of minimum security giant slave mine while they are forced to work in federal pound-me-in-the-ass salt mine.

Oh, and heybrad, I actually thought of that SNL reference when I saw the article but couldn't think of the context. Thx :D


SI

[JeeberD]

Didn't there used to be a major league pitcher (in the seventies I think) whose last name was Lemengello or something like that? I think it was Mark Lemengello. Name was pronounced just like the dessert...

[yabanci]

Talking about brand naming your kids, how about Paris Hilton. She's lucky her father didn't own Motel 6.

[sterlingice]

Originally posted by JeeberD
Didn't there used to be a major league pitcher (in the seventies I think) whose last name was Lemengello or something like that? I think it was Mark Lemengello. Name was pronounced just like the dessert...

Mark Lemongello (http://www.baseball-reference.com/l/lemonma01.shtml)

Got his spelling right on the first try even. The name sounded familiar but I can't remember from where- did he do some announcing or something because he would have been before my time and while I could spout of all kinds of utility player and nobody names from the late 80s through now, I was born in his last year in the majors so I would have had to know him from somewhere else.

SI

[Marc Vaughan]

Hmmm I can't speak - my youngest son is named 'Keegan' after Kevin Keegan (my wifes choice of name I might add, I just ok'd it .... she's a huge Man City fan).

[Poli]

There goes the idea of naming my first born Troy Aikman Polston; boy or girl. :)

[Wolfpack]

My dad worked with a woman named Noname (pn. "No-nah-me"). Apparently, the mother was totally out of it and mistakenly thought they had already given the child a name when she looked at the birth certificate or something like that, so she never bothered giving the child a real name.

I also heard (I'm not entirely sure where) that someone named their child "micomium". If you've had a child or read up on labor and childbirth and dealing with infants, you'll know what micomium is.

[Malificent]

When I was working for a graduate school admissions office, we got an admission from:

John Wayne Western

Heh.

[Ksyrup]

Having started this topic on another board, I was fascinated that many of the same names were thrown out again under the guise of, "I had a friend who knew someone with the name..." or "My mother was teacher and heard the name...", so I decided to check snopes (as I suggested earlier with the Shithead name), and came upon this article, which sounds a bit like what QS was getting at with one of his comments:




Legend: An African-American woman christens her baby with a name based on an embarrassing medical term or bodily part after overhearing one of the nurses use the word.

Examples:

[Case, 1917]
A young woman in Central Park overheard an old negress call to a pickaninny: "Come heah, Exy, Exy!"

"Excuse me, but that's a queer name for a baby, aunty?"

"Dat ain't her full name," explained the old woman with pride; "dat's jes' de pet name I calls for short. Dat child got a mighty grand name. Her ma picked it out in a medicine book — yessum, de child's full name is Eczema."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Pezzi, 1998]

Betty had just given birth to a daughter, and she was discussing the choice of a name with her roommate, who was equally clueless. Mulling over the possibilities, Betty considered a word that she'd recently heard on the obstetric ward. "Vagina, that be a nice name . . . hmm, I think I'll call her 'Vagina.'" Admittedly a euphonious word, the two women agreed that "Vagina" would indeed be a nice name for a girl.

When the time came to relay the name choice to one of the hospital's personnel, the shocked worker exclaimed, "Uh, you can't name her 'Vagina'!" To which the Mom replied, "I be her mother, and I can name her whatever I wants to!" This prompted the worker to explain just what a vagina was, but the Mom was skeptical. "That ain't a vagina — it's a cootchie!"


Origins: Apologies for the offensive language in the first example. The quote comes from 1917, a time when racist humor was the norm. It stands not only as an early example of the legend, but also as an eloquent expression of the racist message which underpins it. Accept it as a graphic example of what this legend is really about.

Before delving into the legend itself, an entire category of "funny names" has to be dismissed. Key to the legend is the belief that the parents acted unknowingly in bestowing an embarrassing name on the young 'un. Unusual names are not in themselves folkloric; what makes them so are the perceived motivations of the parents.

There's nothing folkloric about a child christened Female (pronounced fuh-MALL-ee) if the parents understood full well what they were doing when they ponied up with the name. A classic example of non-folkloric use is found in the 1981 movie pilot of the TV series Cagney & Lacey. A prostitute gives her name to the desk sergeant but, as he's not familiar with fuh-MALL-ee, he asks her to spell it. "F-E-M-A-L-E," she offers. "That's Female," he says in disbelief. "Yeah, well my parents had twelve kids," responds the woman. "By the time they got to me they'd run out of names."

A properly folkloric version of the fuh-MALL-ee tale would have it that the parents saw the "name" on the baby's bracelet. Not being able to read well, they sounded it out badly, it fell on their ears prettily, and thus Baby was named. Alternatively, they interpreted what was written on the bracelet as the hospital having already named their child and the matter now being out of their hands.

Real-life fuh-MALL-ees are beside the point; what matters is how they came by the name.

As the 1917 example shows, this legend has been around for dogs' years. It now exists in two slightly different forms — the parents either misread a word, coming up with an unusual but pleasant-sounding pronounciation of same, or a member of the medical staff is overheard to properly pronounce the word, the parents think it pretty, and thus choose to stick the youngster with it.

Names reported to have resulted from misinterpretations of the written word:


Clitoris (cla-TORE-us)
Enamel (EE-na-mull)
Female (fuh-MALL-ee)
Gonorrhea (gu-NO-ree-ah)
Lemon Jello (le-MON-juh-lo)
No Smoking (NAWS-mo king)
Orange Jello (or-AN-juh-lo)
Pajama (PAH-ja-mah)
Shithead (shaw-THAYD)
Syphilis (suh-PHYL-lis)
Testicles (TESS-tic-clees)
Vagina (va-GEE-na)

Names reported to have resulted from overhearing an unusual but flowery-sounding term:


Chlamydia (kla-MID-e-ah)
Eczema (EX-suh-ma)
Latrine (la-TREEN)
Meconium (muh-CONE-knee-um)
Placenta (pla-SENT-a)
Urea (YUR-ee-ah)
Vagina (va-JAI-na)

Either way, the tale swings on the fictitious parents' lack of education and how this leads them to choose a totally unsuitable name.

This legend is not strictly told of African-Americans; white Southerners are also sometimes cast in the starring role.

Examining the 1917 example again, the proud Black grandmother and her daughter are seen as attempting to exceed their presumed place and are punished for this act. Rather than stick to her own, the daughter has chosen an important-sounding name for her child. Her "uppityness" is duly rewarded by the joke being on her and her family.

Legend of the "kid named Eczema" ilk attempt to reinforce belief in the rightness of racism or regionalism. Just as parables were used in the Bible to communicate in a simple-to-understand form a behavior thought worthy of emulation, racist legends try to drive home the point that the looked-down-upon group is inherently inferior. Presenting the moral in the form of a story makes it easier to absorb.

Racism and/or regionalism play a part in a number of legends. (See our Password page for another such representative tale.) The more stories like these are told, the more the message of them is worked into the fabric of the people exposed to them. Hearing the "kid named Eczema" story again and again makes it that much more easy to think of Blacks as less intelligent.

Was there ever a mother so stupid as to name her kid Eczema without realizing what the name meant? Probably not. But because the story fits in with what's already believed about the shortcomings of whichever group the mother is supposedly part of, the tale will be re-told and believed anew.