I lost my daughter one year ago today

[Toddzilla]

It has been one year to the day that my beautiful precious daughter Cassandra Anne passed away. She was only 19 months old and had gone in for surgery a week before to correct a hiatal hernia. She was G-Tube fed and never went more than a few hours without eating. The surgeons told us she could have no food after midnight and only clear liquids after 4AM. The surgery inexplicably was scheduled for 3PM and it was delayed even more due to an emergency the surgeon needed to attend to. After the surgery, Cassandra did not wake up. Her blood sugar had dropped so low it couldn't even be measured, and she suffered a brain injury from which she would not recover. She died 8 days later on April 6, 2005 surrounded by myself, my wife, and our Doula Kathy who helped bring Cassie and her older sister Lesley into the world.

Needless to say, this has been the most excruciating year of my life. Sadness, depression, anger, hoplessness, they have all been part of my daily routine. However, I have been supported by a wonderful family, a strong group of friends, and I'm hanging in there.

In Cassandra's memory, my wife and I spent today planting flowers and trees around our house in Cassie's memory.

I would ask that for those of you that have children (or nieces, nephews, grandkids, etc.) to please give them an extra hug and a kiss tonight.

My small website for Cassandra (http://www.40akers.com)
My blog "About Cassandra Anne" (http://toddakers.blogspot.com)

[Flasch186]

I dont have children but I love my family and my heart goes out to you.

[terpkristin]

Wow, Todd.
I never knew about your daughter. I don't have kids yet, and I can't imagine losing one that young. I hope that you and your family are doing ok on this very difficult anniversary. You and yours will be in my thoughts. Hang in there.

[VPI97]

I would ask that for those of you that have children (or nieces, nephews, grandkids, etc.) to please give them an extra hug and a kiss tonight.
Done.

Stay strong.

[ISiddiqui]

:(

Though I'm happy to hear that you have such a great support network which has helped you since your tragedy.

[Maple Leafs]

So sorry to hear about your loss. It's encouraging to hear that you're doing as well as could be expected.

The web site is very well done... the pictures are beautiful.

[SunDevil]

I'm truly sorry for your loss.

[digamma]

My very best to you and your family.

[Groundhog]

Very sorry to hear about your daughter. :(

I can't imagine how/if I'd cope if that happened to me when I have children...

[Lorena]

I'm in tears right now... I'm so, so sorry for your loss, I had no idea :(. My heart goes out to you and yours.

I will honor her memory by giving my kids an extra big hug.

[Franklinnoble]

I have three children... two are just about that age right now... I cannot imagine losing any of them.

I'm furious on your behalf at what sounds like total incompetence on the part of the surgical team... I hope you own that hospital by now.

I will pray for you and your family, Todd... and I'll be sure to give the kids an extra hug and kiss.

[Grid Iron]

:(

I am so sorry for your loss.

[FrogMan]

I'm in tears right now... I'm so, so sorry for your loss, I had no idea :(. My heart goes out to you and yours.

I will honor her memory by giving my kids an extra big hug.

ditto here. I broke down when I read your post maybe a minute after you posted, then went to see my oldest son to hug him. I'm back here and posting with tears in my eyes.

so sad... :(

You, your wife and family are all in my thoughts.

FM

[cartman]

I saw your posting over on TotalFark and didn't realize it was the same Toddzilla.

As others have stated, you are in our thoughts. It sounds like you have a great support structure to help you and your family.

[DaddyTorgo]

wow todd. I don't remember hearing about this when it happened so condolences now seem so...belated and insignificant. my thoughts are with you and your wife on what must have been an enormously difficult day...and moving forward of course over days that cannot be that much better. my niece is almost exactly that age and when I see her next I will be extra sure to treasure every moment. you have my enormous respect for soldiering through such a loss so admirably and I wish you better fortune in the future should you and your wife try again.

[sachmo71]

Toddzilla,

I can't even imagine...but it's a credit to you that you are doing this well. You'll be in our thoughts.

[Schmidty]

I can't even talk and I can barely breathe.

I can't imagine not having my daughter. You must be a very strong person.

I'll be praying for you and your family everyday. You're on my list.

[cougarfreak]

I can't imagine what you are going through. Sorry to hear, and stay strong.

[rexallllsc]

That hurts man. My thoughts are with you.

[George]

I'm truly sorry for your loss.

[saldana]

i cant even imagine your pain and suffering. my daughter is 21 months, and my world would essentially end if anything happened to her, you have my thoughts and prayers.

[MizzouRah]

As a close friend to someone who is going though a newborn medical issue, my heart goes out to you Todd. :(

[KevinNU7]

My son will be 3 months tomorrow and I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I'm sorry to hear about this. All the best to you and your wife

[CamEdwards]

I had no idea. I am so sorry, as many other have said. I can't imagine what the past year has been like.

If you ever need to talk, I'm just a few miles away.

[cubboyroy1826]

Wow Todd sorry to hear about your daughter. Whenever something happens to your kids it always hurts 10 times more. I have 4 of my own and couldnt imagine going thru what you did. I wish the best for you and your family. My prayers go out to you guys.

[Eaglesfan27]

That is so sad, and my heart goes out to you. You and your family will be in my prayers tonight.

[KJDelaney]

I was in the same boat as you a few years ago T-zilla.

PM me if you need anything.

[SFL Cat]

Very sad. Thoughts and prayers.

[Samdari]

This is the worst thing I have ever read. This hits very close to home, having one about that age.

[gkb]

We just had our first and I can't imagine the pain of losing our little guy at that age. I'm so sorry for your loss...your family will be in our thoughts and prayers tonight.

I would ask that for those of you that have children (or nieces, nephews, grandkids, etc.) to please give them an extra hug and a kiss tonight.

Done.

[WSUCougar]

Heartfelt thoughts, Todd. Stay strong.

[King of New York]

Toddzilla,

Peace to you and your family.

[GrantDawg]

Thinking of you and hugging my kids.

[Young Drachma]

Sorry man. Stay strong.

My brother was 3 when he died in 1987. I was 7. He died on Mother's Day that year, while my parents were out for dinner. We went to bed, he said goodnight and went into shock. They never really could tell us what happened, just that by the time they got him to the hospital it was too late.

I don't know if my parents really ever were the same after that. But I think honouring your daughter's memory is the one thing that no one can take from you and your wife and that you can appreciate in a way that no one else can.

She was taken from you too soon.

[Godzilla Blitz]

Very sorry to hear of this. I cannot imagine greater suffering. My thoughts are with you.

Keep going.

[BYU 14]

Let me also add my condolences Todd. For those of us who have never experienced a tragedy of such magnitude, we can never know how you truly feel, but we can offer you our prayers and support, and on behalf of my family you have ours.

May the precious memory of your daughter always bring you a smile for the time you were blessed to have with her.

[Kodos]

I think this is the saddest day ever at FOFC. I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss.

[JeeberD]

I can't imagine having a child and then losing it so soon. I'm sorry for your loss, Todd...

[cuervo72]

Wow Todd, I can't even imagine. Hang in there, and I too will kiss my kids that extra time tonight.

:(

[Vince]

:(

[Swaggs]

I don't have children yet and losing one would be one of the worst things I can envision in life.

I admire your ability to keep living. Sometimes, "going on" with life is one of the toughest things to do. Keep strong.

[Draft Dodger]

wow, I don't think I'm going to click on any more threads today, because I'm 0-2 since the board came back.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

[INDalltheway]

Stay strong Todd.. I feel for your horrible loss.

[Icy]

I lost mine two days ago when she was only 7 days old, my little Celia. I fully underestand your pain, my heart is broken now as yours is. I'll probably message you in a couple of days or so as i can't right now, i can barely talk. Maybe to talk between we both could help us as sadly we have past the same experience.

[AlexB]

I don't know what to write to make any difference. I feel for you

[A-Husker-4-Life]

I never knew that about your daughter, you and your family will be in my heart and prayers...

[Deattribution]

Sorry to hear about your loss, very unfortunate, hope you and your family stay strong.

[clintl]

My thoughts are with you and your family.

[Tim Tellean]

Todd and Icy my thoughts and prayers go out to both of you. As the father of 2 boys I fully understand the parent/child bond and I cannot imagine losing one of my boys.

[Honolulu_Blue]

My thoughts are with you and yours. I couldn't imagine the pain you and Icy must be going through.

[Dutch]

Very sad to hear that news. :(

[Joker]

Sorry for your loss.. its tuff to handle a loss like this.
Me and my wife lost twins on may 31, 1988
Stephen and Brittney...
I remember feeling every breath was painful....every sigh hurt.
Time does help....but you don't forget the pain. Never.
Helpless...is certainly a feeling that doesn't go away.
Cassandra sounds very special...
I would love to bring up scriptures to help your pain...but some
don't appreciate this kind of help...if you do just pm me...

---1sad joker....

[Anthony]

sorry to hear about your loss.

[Karlifornia]

You and your wife are stronger than I could ever be. Your family is in my thoughts, bigtime.

[Runtheball]

Todzilla,
I admire the strength you and your wife have in dealing with your loss. The idea of planting flowers and trees in your daughter's memory sounds like an excellent way to cope with the loss. I have an 8 month old son, and I can assure you, he's receiving tons of hugs today.
Icy,
I'm totally shocked at the loss of your Celia. I just don't know what else to say to the both of you, except that my heart goes out to you.

[Zoreloth]

I'm oft amazed at how small a world it can seem at times. My dearest Kimberlee, my only child and daughter at 4yrs old passed away Easter, March 31st 2002...four years ago.

Todd, Icy, in some ways I can share and understand the pain of the tragedy that both of you and your families now endure. In many other ways, I can not. The reason for that is, I have learned through my own tragedy that these are truly 'personal' tragedies each having their own set of circumstances and emotions that no one - even those who have also experienced the same tragedy - can ever really identify with or understand.

I can't express how moved I am by the outpouring of those who have responded. In reality, what happens (Todzilla, you may already have experienced this) is that you find life goes on around you while it seems to stand still for you. It gets hard to understand a year later, four years later, that life has gone on for 'non-family' people around you, and it seems they don't even remember, or act like nothing has happened. Meanwhile, it is always on your mind...it is always with me...even four years later.

Very few of those who have not had such a personal tradegy will be able to comprehend that from now on until forever, small things continually take place for us that are meaningless for everyone else. For example, maybe you are watching the most hilarious comedy you've yet seen but involves a young couple getting married, and right in the the middle of the movie you realize that you will never see your daughter get married. You stop laughing and start shedding tears while those around you in the theatre remain oblivious. You walk through a public place and happen to see a child that in some way resembles your lost loved one. You smile at them, then turn away in tears.

Todd, Icy, I will remember you. Every time I have such a moment as just described, I will remember both of you and your families. That is what I give to you. The knowlege that (even though you don't know me) I will always remember you, your family, and your 'moments' when I have my 'moments'.

It is little to give, and a small thing, but I am learning we never heal from this tradegy - we simply learn to live with it. So it is my hope that in this way, I may bring to you, even if in the smallest measure, some comfort by bearing with you the anguish and confusion that is common yet monumentally different between us in personal ways.

Gents, you will be on my mind...

Joe

[fantastic flying froggies]

Zoreloth, your post is oh so on target.

My heart shatters whenever I see little twin girls, my own twin daughters Lola and Marilou were born stillborn on January 7th, 2005.

Todd, stay strong. In your sadness, you are lucky, just like me, to have another child. My 4 year old daughter Elisa probably saved my life in the past year by giving me a reason to go on living...

[Crim]

:(

[JeeberD]

My heart shatters whenever I see little twin girls, my own twin daughters Lola and Marilou were born stillborn on January 7th, 2005.


I had no idea, fff... :(

[fantastic flying froggies]

I had no idea, fff... :(

I did mention it here, but only briefly and just like in this case, in response to another similar thread.