So I found a cell phone

[Toddzilla]

I was taking a dump at work and I found a cell phone on the floor next to the toilet - a cheap pink clamshell phone. I can't possibly just let it sit there, so being the nice guy that I am I go through it to try and identify the person to whom it belongs so I can return it. The call history and contact list didn't really help so I checked out the archived texts, both sent and received.

Well, the guy who owns this phone is a racist misogynistic piece of shit who cheats on his girlfriend, doesn't pay child support on either of his 2 kids, blows all of his money on drugs and alcohol, and loves pictures of chicks with huge asses.

What to do, what to do...

[Rizon]

He's got all that on his phone?

You've got to fuck with him. I can't see any other options.

**EDIT: I mean, a pink fucking phone? Good God.

[molson]

Dynasty thread.

[spleen1015]

Fuck with him and his contacts.

[molson]

Pick a couple contacts at random and text them that you've been "confused by feelings" you've had about them lately.

[JediKooter]

Start sending texts that he is going to go in for gender reassignment surgery and that people should get used to calling him Nancy.

[Chief Rum]

Change his ring tone to Baby Got Back.

[Autumn]

I hope the twist at the end is that you realize this is your phone.

[Chief Rum]

I hope the twist at the end is that you realize this is your phone.

This could totally be turned into a Memento 2 plot.

[PilotMan]

The truth will set you free. Not you, but this other guy with the pink phone. He needs some truth in his life.

[Autumn]

More likely plot is Toddzilla harasses this guy and then finds out it's his boss. Or his best friend.

[DanGarion]

This could totally be turned into a Memento 2 plot.

Or like that one Liam Neeson movie.

[molson]

If you want to be more practical, maybe just forward some of the incriminating texts to his girlfriend, call it a day, and leave the phone where you found it.

[JediKooter]

Find a sign that is at the US/Mexico border that says, "Welcome to Mexico!!" and then send that pic with a text caption "Almost home free!!".

[stevew]

Todd's probably going to get a beat down from a large black dude(playing the percentages on the big asses part) who probably isn't racist. I'd make sure to silence that ringer.

[Klinglerware]

I hope the twist at the end is that you realize this is your phone.

Toddzilla = Tyler Durden?

[Swaggs]

I can barely stomach touching the door handles in a public restroom.

I'm impressed that you picked something up from a bathroom floor.

[Noop]

I was taking a dump at work and I found a cell phone on the floor next to the toilet - a cheap pink clamshell phone. I can't possibly just let it sit there, so being the nice guy that I am I go through it to try and identify the person to whom it belongs so I can return it. The call history and contact list didn't really help so I checked out the archived texts, both sent and received.

Well, the guy who owns this phone is a racist misogynistic piece of shit who cheats on his girlfriend, doesn't pay child support on either of his 2 kids, blows all of his money on drugs and alcohol, and loves pictures of chicks with huge asses.

What to do, what to do...

Man... not that it matters but is this guy white or black?

[jeff061]

You could always do horrible vile things to the phone and then give it back to him. Think stink palm, but worse and more creative.

[DaddyTorgo]

If you want to be more practical, maybe just forward some of the incriminating texts to his girlfriend, call it a day, and leave the phone where you found it.

Honestly, this is what I'd do. Karma and all.

And honestly, if you were the other party in that relationship don't you think you'd want to know?

[Toddzilla]

It seems like fucking with this douche is the way to go, and being the lazy sort, I think I may just call up his children's mother and say I have so-and-so's pink phone if you want it. Let her go through all the shit that's on it.

[Toddzilla]

Oh, I did get one call on it about a half hour ago. I answered it with a very effeminate "helooooooooo?" and they hung up.

[JediKooter]

This thread has potential. Don't let us down Toddzilla!

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Is it possible to send pics on that phone?

because you could always send to everybody the pics of the asses. or take a shot of your junk & send it to people, then just put the phone back where you found it.

[Toddzilla]

I texted the girlfriend and now all of a sudden she's very protective of her man. GIVE THE PHONE BACK NOW! ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!

I may have to take a picture of my cock and send it to this chick right before i flush this down the shitter

[Thomkal]

Ya know Todd its a shame that when you went to flush the toilet, the cellphone fell in and was gone before you could do anything about it...Not very fun I suppose, but an appropriate resting place based on what you found on it.

[Thomkal]

Hmmm I see you had the same idea

[Flasch186]

text her back about the things her man's been hiding from her.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

is there copy & paste functions on texting?

if you have to take another dump, text her that he can find it in the john, where he left it. but put it in the unflushed bowl sitting right on a big turd. then watch for the guy with the pink phone & you'll know.

you can also put the phone in your asscrack & know that you stinkphoned him.

[Toddzilla]

Oh, this is going to be the stinkiest stinkphone in the history of stink.

and phones.

[Rizon]

So if you took a dump at work, the guy can't narrow down that you may have found the phone, right?

[Julio Riddols]

Keep the phone. Purchase a one time use phone from Best Buy, put all the relevant contacts from the pink phone in it. Take it with you places and take its picture with a rope tied around it next to road signs, landmarks, etc. Send the pictures from that phone to everyone on the contact list that you added to the new phone. When you call people, tell them "This is evil phone, I have your precious pinky".

Finally, send one last message with the new phone to the contact you most believe would try to retrieve the phone, then put the two phones in the same place, with the new phone holding a knife to the pink phone. Give them the coordinates, tell them they have 3 hours or Pinky gets it.

[Marmel]

You could also not steal, destroy or vandalize somebody's property.

[jeff061]

You could also not steal, destroy or vandalize somebody's property.

That's a pretty awful idea imho.

[Subby]

I think it would be pretty funny if this guy somehow tracked you down and gave you a massive fucking beatdown. :D

[Maple Leafs]

Well, the guy who owns this phone is a racist misogynistic piece of shit who cheats on his girlfriend, doesn't pay child support on either of his 2 kids, blows all of his money on drugs and alcohol, and loves pictures of chicks with huge asses.

Come on man, just give Rush Limbaugh his phone back.

[Apathetic Lurker]

You could also not steal, destroy or vandalize somebody's property.


Damn Dudley Do-Right.......

[JonInMiddleGA]

I think it would be pretty funny if this guy somehow tracked you down and gave you a massive fucking beatdown. :D

This is, I do believe, sorta how karma works. Or something like that.

Of course, given the indications we've got about the phone owner's character thus far, he would administer said beatdown and then step in front of a bus or something. THAT actually seems to be more like how karma works. In the end, there really isn't a winner.

[PackerFanatic]

:popcorn:

[Young Drachma]

Not sure the need of vigilante justice over a found cell phone, frankly.

[Julio Riddols]

It would be an interesting twist if the phone was his girls phone and she was the one cheating, and he took the phone this morning, read the messages she had been getting on the shitter, and sat it down before going somewhere to cry.

[Autumn]

Toddzilla may not be the hero we need, DarkCloud, but he is the hero we deserve.

[DaddyTorgo]

It would be an interesting twist if the phone was his girls phone and she was the one cheating, and he took the phone this morning, read the messages she had been getting on the shitter, and sat it down before going somewhere to cry.

Honestly - a pink clamshell phone...maybe that wouldn't be the most surprising twist...

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Honestly - a pink clamshell phone...maybe that wouldn't be the most surprising twist...

Indeed. His girl likes girls with big asses.

[Julio Riddols]

I didn't say it would be surprising. I'm no Shyamalan.

[Schmidty]

Not sure the need of vigilante justice over a found cell phone, frankly.

Yep.

Come on. The guy might be an ass, but you're a bigger ass for even posting the stuff you have. Are you a fucking cop? Are you an official PI?

You just sound like a bitter asshole who found a way to soothe his own ego.

I don't think you are that kind of guy, as you have helped me big-time in the past year, but I'm being blunt and saying what you appear to be in this situation.

[Young Drachma]

Man... not that it matters but is this guy white or black?

The fuck?

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Calm down Nancy... he hasn't given any specifics. You'll get your phone back soon.

[Subby]

Yep.

Come on. The guy might be an ass, but you're a bigger ass for even posting the stuff you have. Are you a fucking cop? Are you an official PI?

You just sound like a bitter asshole who found a way to soothe his own ego.

I don't think you are that kind of guy, as you have helped me big-time in the past year, but I'm being blunt and saying what you appear to be in this situation.
Wow, leave it to Schmidty to ruin it for everyone.

[Rizon]

Calm down Nancy... he hasn't given any specifics. You'll get your phone back soon.

+50

[jeff061]

Wow, leave it to Schmidty to ruin it for everyone.

Yeah, the fun was in the mystery and now we know who's phone it was :(.

[JediKooter]

You sure it's not Kathy Griffin's phone?

[Rizon]

Maybe it's Hell Atlantic's phone. Or Hornsmaniac.

[Toddzilla]

I sent a text to the gf and asked how i could get the phone back to it's owner. She asked that I leave it where I found it and to leave it the fuck alone (in all caps, natch). I said I'd be happy to, but there's no guarantee that it won't accidentally get knocked into the shitter, so option 2 would be a good idea. After getting called a bunch of names I won't repeat here (they rhyme with "maggot", "bigger", and "snitch" mostly) I said I'd feel better getting help from someone more stable and so I was going to start calling random people from the contact list. I texted her the names of two of the females our pink phone aficionado likes to communicate with and that led to her calling the phone non-stop for over an hour. I sat there and watched the phone ring over and over and over again.

I got tired of that and texted her a picture of the toilet and said here is where the phone can be found and left it next to the bowl where I found it.

and as a post script, I created a google voice account using the name of one of the girls Mr. Pink is involved with - this account will text the girlfriend at random intervals over the next week or so, depending on my mood.

[JediKooter]

Yup. Sounds like Kathy Griffith alright.

[Subby]

Truth be told, that's a pretty weak ending.

[Toddzilla]

Meh.

[JonInMiddleGA]

The fuck?

I assumed the question was related to the whole liking-big-butts thing.

Of course, there's always a risk whenever we "assume" anything, so {shrug}

[Rizon]

My wife has a big butt, and 99% of the time she's hit on by black guys who tell her how great her butt is. Happens a few times a week.

[molson]

I just hope Chief Rum was entertained by this thread.

[Chief Rum]

I just hope Chief Rum was entertained by this thread.

I believe he was.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

I feel worse for whatever he is cheating with that that POS thing you texted with. Sounds like they are a couple that deserve each other.

PS. Go back in the john. If it's still there, piss on it.

[Grover]

I was taking a dump at work

There is nothing as satisfying as getting paid to take a dump.

[Grover]

Keep the phone. Purchase a one time use phone from Best Buy, put all the relevant contacts from the pink phone in it. Take it with you places and take its picture with a rope tied around it next to road signs, landmarks, etc. Send the pictures from that phone to everyone on the contact list that you added to the new phone. When you call people, tell them "This is evil phone, I have your precious pinky".

Finally, send one last message with the new phone to the contact you most believe would try to retrieve the phone, then put the two phones in the same place, with the new phone holding a knife to the pink phone. Give them the coordinates, tell them they have 3 hours or Pinky gets it.

YES.

[DanGarion]

I sent a text to the gf and asked how i could get the phone back to it's owner. She asked that I leave it where I found it and to leave it the fuck alone (in all caps, natch). I said I'd be happy to, but there's no guarantee that it won't accidentally get knocked into the shitter, so option 2 would be a good idea. After getting called a bunch of names I won't repeat here (they rhyme with "maggot", "bigger", and "snitch" mostly) I said I'd feel better getting help from someone more stable and so I was going to start calling random people from the contact list. I texted her the names of two of the females our pink phone aficionado likes to communicate with and that led to her calling the phone non-stop for over an hour. I sat there and watched the phone ring over and over and over again.

I got tired of that and texted her a picture of the toilet and said here is where the phone can be found and left it next to the bowl where I found it.

and as a post script, I created a google voice account using the name of one of the girls Mr. Pink is involved with - this account will text the girlfriend at random intervals over the next week or so, depending on my mood.

Wow you have a lot of free time...

[kcchief19]

Truth be told, that's a pretty weak ending.
Given that the story began with Todd taking a crap, how did we really expect this to end?

[Grover]

Given that the story began with Todd taking a crap, how did we really expect this to end?

It was going to end up in the toilet, that's where.

[Suicane75]

Man... not that it matters but is this guy white or black?

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8f4bgv4qW1qgdpgl.jpg

The guy was black, not that that makes any bit of difference at all........but it kind of does.

[Julio Riddols]

Was someone pushing their finger into Louis C.K.'s forehead for a long time?

[kingfc22]

This was an entertaining read. Thank you.

[Shkspr]

Was someone pushing their finger into Louis C.K.'s forehead for a long time?

It's Rash Wednesday.

[Desnudo]

Toddzilla may not be the hero we need, DarkCloud, but he is the hero we deserve.

Nice guy that he is and all

[Autumn]

My wife has a big butt, and 99% of the time she's hit on by black guys who tell her how great her butt is. Happens a few times a week.

With one story done, the next begins ...

[Drake]

Threads like this are the reason that when you decide to fuck up somebody's life for pleasure/justice/revenge/whatever, you don't take the story to the internet. The less people know, the more you can get away with.

It's also the reason Batman wears a mask and doesn't tell people he's Bruce Wayne.

(Sorry to anyone who needed a spoiler alert for the previous sentence.)

[Sun Tzu]

Hot dogs.

[JediKooter]

Hot dogs.

And apple pie.

[Sun Tzu]

And apple pie.

Perhaps an apple pie with a hot dog stuffed crust?

[DaddyTorgo]

Whatever happened with the original story?

[M GO BLUE!!!]

I thought it was about abortion using guns.

[Rizon]

I thought it was about abortion using guns.

Another abortion/gun control debate on teh internet. Yay!

[sterlingice]

This makes me think of a different thread:

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/428463_10102279150895154_938755492_n.jpg

Toddzilla is that girl who can't sing and Liam Neeson apparently has a pink phone and apparently:
is a racist misogynistic piece of shit who cheats on his girlfriend, doesn't pay child support on either of his 2 kids, blows all of his money on drugs and alcohol, and loves pictures of chicks with huge asses.


SI

[JediKooter]

Perhaps an apple pie with a hot dog stuffed crust?

I would try that if it is resting on Olivia Wilde's ass.

[Toddzilla]

A (not-really) funny post-post-post script to this story...

I got an email from Google saying my Google Voice number - the one I set up for the faux side-chick - hasn't been used in a number of years so it's going to be deleted.

I logged in to the account to delete it and, I've got to hand it to the aggrieved girlfriend, she's committed. For about 2 weeks she texted the account with all kinds of threats and awful language and such, in all-caps of course. Basically all a version of "Who are you? I'm going to find you and beat your ass/kill you!" and "Leave my man alone!" Which is odd because I only used the number to text her one time.

I hope this lovely couple lived happily ever after.

[Suicane75]

I'd bet that one of them is dead, or they have 4 kids.