What to do for a broken heart?

[IlliniCub]

Guys I don't post here often but have lurked since the EA fof days. I always read the forum every day and see you guys as usually being worldly and possessing great wisdom. I know this isn't an advice forum but You guys are always supportive of others. I'm 27 years old had a great girl thought everything was fine and then bam out of nowhere get a text last night basically saying we're done. I was blindsided. I really loved her. Now she's waffling on it a bit and saying shes confused about life and wants to be less serious about things for a while and not sure if she loves me as a lover or best friend now. We seemed perfect together and I hold out hope that she'll miss me and realize what we have but who knows. I guess what I wanna know and ask is what makes it better? I'm hurting. I know there's no cure but any advice is appreciated! I'm really struggling with this thinking that the pweson I care about most could possibly not be in my life anymore. Thank you.

[CU Tiger]

Sorry to hear, man.

Id try to get her to sit down and talk and get to the bottom of those feelings. See if someone else is on her mind or if she is just fearing "domestication"..

If its someone else cut bait and move on while its cheap to do. IF its just the fear of settling down try to give her breathing room and support.

If all else fails, drink til your liver hurts and smash a rebound piece... :D
J/K kinda

[IlliniCub]

The quick phonecall I had with her she said no one else and I believe her she's a crappy liar when she does lie. She said that it was wanting to feel a little more independent for a while and figure out her life a little bit and that she knows were perfect for each other but is worried shes starting to love me more as a best friend than lover. She says she still wants to do stuff with me and be with me just isn't sure about things right now....so I dont know

[Julio Riddols]

The way I dealt with my biggest instance of heartbreak was to remind myself constantly that wasting time caring for someone who doesn't even know how they feel about you is pointless. For me, the realization that having some me time would be good helped. I spent a lot of time with friends, just living the single life, enjoying my freedom. There is something to be said for not having anyone to answer to.

To me, this says she is interested in someone else more than you and is having a hard time just coming out with it because she doesn't want to hurt you that bad. The worst part about that is that the games and the constant will she/won't she is going to be a lot worse than just cutting loose and finding someone who will appreciate you.

Best bet in my opinion is to sever ties completely and forget about her as a potential love interest. It's not worth the time and effort to try and hold on to someone like this and it'll most likely do a lot more harm than good to try and salvage. Her loss.

[Julio Riddols]

Also, if she just wants space or whatever, let her have it, see what happens. Just don't let it stop you from exploring any other avenues that may be available to you. You may surprise yourself by meeting someone better.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Busy busy busy, keep your mind occupied as best you can. It's your enemy right now afaic. Whatever will happen will almost certainly happen, I don't get a sense that there's anything you've done/not done so there's likely little you can do/undo.

Best of luck.

[IlliniCub]

Thanks guys it helps a lot...I mean I put my cards on the table and she knows how I feel I'll see her a couple times and lay off and not text try to let her miss me and it'll either happen or it wont. I guess I just gotta leave the ball in her court now as tough as that is and what happens happens.

[cuervo72]

She says she still wants to do stuff with me and be with me just isn't sure about things right now....so I dont know

Hmm, let's see if I've learned anything from Captain Caveman at KSK.

Fuck that noise. If you are broken up, then you are broken up. You need to cut things off completely and get on with the healing process. That can't happen if she is dicking with your emotions by keeping you around on her terms as her fallback/security blanket.

Spend time on you. Hang out with your friends, do things that you like. Take the extra time to improve yourself in some way. Work out, take up a hobby, do some charity work. Put yourself in a good position for when you are ready to resume dating and better girls come along, which they will.

[IlliniCub]

If I love her and she in a few days says she's figured it out and wants to be together I mean should I give it a shot?

[EagleFan]

Via text? If she can't even tell you to your face then she isn't worth it.

[Umbrella]

Been there, and although this isn't what you want to hear, there's nothing that makes it better except for time.

If you want my advice, try not to wallow in it too much. This is similar to Jon's advice, but get out with some friends who you trust. Try and have fun. You won't be having much fun, but fake it. Your friends will have your back. I would probably stay away from boozing it up with your friends though, as this could make the depression worse. Go bowling, play poker, do something which will keep your mind and/or body active.

Eventually, faking having fun will turn into actually having fun. I'm not going to cover whether or not you should be trying to win her back, because only you can decide. But a mopey depressed dude is completely unattractive. Which is another benefit of going out and living life well.

Like I said, this will be tough to do, but I know this advice has helped myself, and others I know.

[tarcone]

Listen to yourself. Listen to your heart. If she does that and you FEEL its the right thing, then go fo rit.
But listen to these other guys. Dont moon over the loss. Get out and enjoy yourself. Trust me, if you dont and get back with her, you will be wondering about what ifs. Like What if she is just using me? What if she finds someone she loves more. What ifs are a bad thing.

Personally, if she wants back , I would tell her you want some time to think about it. This gives both of you a little space and time.
Wait a few days then respond to her. Dont let your feelings of need and security blind you. Its scary being single after a relationship. Maybe she isnt the ONE. Maybe she is. Time will tell.

[tarcone]

And, really, what could break your heart more then being and Illini and Cub fan? Shoot Disappointment is bred into you. :)

[IlliniCub]

True....haha I never thought I'd feel worse pain than game 5 of the nlcs in 2003!

[IlliniCub]

Just seeing that you guys have been through it and that there's life after helps so much sometimes we just need a goal to shoot for. Basically I'm willing to see her again a time or two and see what happens but I'm not going to beg anymore or try to force it. If she comes back she does and if not well I'll find a way to survive. It's just I was so sure she was the one. I'll get through this and I thank you guys so much. I need to be more active around here

[RedKingGold]

Busy busy busy, keep your mind occupied as best you can. It's your enemy right now afaic. Whatever will happen will almost certainly happen, I don't get a sense that there's anything you've done/not done so there's likely little you can do/undo.

Best of luck.

This. The only thing that really helps is time, doing happy stuff during the interim will get you there sooner.

[molson]

smash a rebound piece

That's the title of my album coming out next week. Or, I wish it was.

[tarcone]

Shoot. I was engaged twice. I was WAY to immature for what I committed to. And it was probably better for the girls to leave me then marry me. So, time is a great thing in that sense. I was hurt by the 1st one. But only because I had moved 350 miles from home with her. But I survived. The 2nd one was a blessing. I wasnt ready and would have ruined her life. So, looking back on my experience, the breaj ups were a positive for all involved.

Then there was the girl that the other guy wanted. I was "dating" her and he wanted to. I told him to go for it. They ended up getting married. I sure wasnt ready for that. But she was. And I guess he was too.

II wasnt mature enough in my 20s to get married. it took a couple major life changes to figure it out and for me to grow up.

Dont think that this is the one. Unless she is.

[molson]

I don't have any advice about whatever remains of the relationship, but if the times come that you are just moving forward, the formula is simple, time + stuff. Time is the easy one, that will go forward no matter what, and things do get better. Every second, you have more distance, and every second, you're in a better place, the occasional setback not withstanding. Throwing in some "stuff" makes the process go faster. Stuff can be anything - re-connecting with an old friend, a home improvement project, taking a trip - you just need to remember you are a valuable and productive person whose value is not tied to anyone in particular. Once you remind your soul of that, by doing lots of stuff, having all these new great and productive experiences even without her, the healing accelerates.

[IlliniCub]

Haha I kind of am thinking of looking for a rebound piece tonight as I sit here drinking. I figure it will work or it doesn't and if we do get back together later this is my chance so maybe i should seize it

[Lathum]

The quick phonecall I had with her she said no one else and I believe her she's a crappy liar when she does lie. She said that it was wanting to feel a little more independent for a while and figure out her life a little bit and that she knows were perfect for each other but is worried shes starting to love me more as a best friend than lover. She says she still wants to do stuff with me and be with me just isn't sure about things right now....so I dont know

This would end it for me right now. My wife is my best friend and lover and I wouldn't marry anyone who isn't.

[JPhillips]

This won't help you, and she won't want to hear it, but moving from the passionate phase to the mature phase is part of a committed long-term relationship. It doesn't mean you don't fire up the passion from time to time, but you can't live forever in that state. Relationships change and develop over time and it can be scarey to pass from one phase to another.

[PurdueBrad]

Damn Illini, I'm very, very sorry. My worst case was when I dated a girl for 6 years (17-23) and, like you, she broke up with me via a voice message (the 2001 version of a text!). I'll tell you, it lingered a lot longer than I ever imagined it could. I threw myself fully into my friends and going out which, in the short term, felt good but honestly set me back work-wise. We went out drinking two nights a week until 2 or 3 am and two other nights a week we did strip clubs until the same time which, given that I typically had to be at work by 6 was brutal. This went on for about a year until I flamed out socially and professionally.

I think my biggest mistake in all of this was not taking time to be alone some and to date around a bit. I became the "fun friend" that never said no to going out which just kept me occupied. It's hard to think of right now, I'm sure, but do take some time just to do stuff solo and to casually date. I turned down several offers to date because I had plans with my friends and convinced myself that the loyalty there was more important.

Really, there's no great answer but those were my mistakes. Good luck Illini and sorry this had to happen.

[tarcone]

This won't help you, and she won't want to hear it, but moving from the passionate phase to the mature phase is part of a committed long-term relationship. It doesn't mean you don't fire up the passion from time to time, but you can't live forever in that state. Relationships change and develop over time and it can be scarey to pass from one phase to another.

Great point. There are times I would rather not be around my wife. She is my best friend and lover. But Im a dude that loves my me time. But i realize that I cant live in that state all the time. Maybe for a day, at most. And Im sure my wife gets sick of me. But being in a mature relationship, you plug through those low points and your relationship is better for it.

Maturity is an amazing thing.

[IlliniCub]

Thanks guys you have improved my morale ten fold tonight.

[tramel321]

their is someone else in the mix,move on asap,been their done that,the very best thing you can do is move on,about the time you stop caring will be the time she wants to come crawling back,let her come back on your terms,treat her like shit an bang as many other women as possible an generally don't give a fuck about her,works great,i speak from experience :)

[JonInMiddleGA]

This would end it for me right now. My wife is my best friend and lover and I wouldn't marry anyone who isn't.

Eh, for me, I believe that's a largely unreasonable standard to expect. Great to get it if it works out that way, not necessarily a requirement for marriage or even a successful marriage.

Hmm, that last phrase -- "successful marriage" -- is a pretty loaded one all by itself. Not sure this thread is the proper place to try to define it tbh, but the concept itself (and what it means to an individual) is one that seems relevant to the situation long term perhaps.

[IlliniCub]

It could be worse...we're not married and there are no kids involved...so there are some positives

[Suicane75]

Here's my advice for tonight.

http://www.letsgetabottle.com/assets/images/jack-daniels-tennessee-whiskey-lgjpg.jpg




http://cigarettesreporter.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/marlboro-cigarettes.png


http://cdn.americansongwriter.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/BillyBraggBacktoBasics.jpg

[IlliniCub]

Haha all but the smoking I love suicane...im actually doing vodka and wine.....and I do love some billy bragg especially the albums he did with wilco

[BlackJack]

Don't forget the hookers.

[Desnudo]

And Las Vegas

[IlliniCub]

Haha I live in Illinois and vegas is quite far away...otherwise it'd be on the option list

[Ajaxab]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation Illini. If anything, you can be grateful that this is happening now instead of after being married for awhile. I'm going through the same thing, but the difference is that I'm working from 12+ years of marriage. It completely sucks. I feel your pain.

[IlliniCub]

Guys I honestly have tears in my eyes at the compassion you've shown in my hour of need. Im not there yet but damned if you guys don't have me on the road to recovery i think

[IlliniCub]

Harry Nillsons " You;re breaking my heart" is also so great for these situations! so reccommended

[nol]

, I believe that's a largely unreasonable standard to expect. Great to get it if it works out that way, not necessarily a requirement for marriage or even a successful marriage.

Hmm, that last phrase -- "successful marriage" -- is a pretty loaded one all by itself. Not sure this thread is the proper place to try to define it tbh, but the concept itself (and what it means to an individual) is one that seems relevant to the situation long term perhaps.

With you on that one, Jon. It's become such a cliche on social media for people to talk about marrying their best friend that I'll be tempted to post something like "Today is the day I marry someone who is definitely one of my top five friends. Probably number one among all females though!" on Facebook when I eventually tie the knot.

[IlliniCub]

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

[korme]

Not even close man

[JonInMiddleGA]

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

Utter & complete bullshit right there.

I was 26 when I got married ... and in hindsight probably shoulda put it off another decade or so.

The "right age" to get married is when you're ready (as much as anybody ever really is), when the right person is ready and when you're both ready. If that's 22, 42, 62 or 82 ... whatever.

At the moment I have two different friends/acquaintances getting married at 57, another doing it (for the first time) at 35, another at +/- 28.

[RainMaker]

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

I'm 33 and having no problems in the dating world. If anything I think people are waiting much longer to get married and have kids.

[RainMaker]

My advice might be different, but I honestly feel like severing is the best. If she doesn't want to be with you, that's it. Waffling back and forth, seeing her here and there, all that other in-between stuff won't help getting over her. It's just her keeping you in her back pocket. It's emotionally draining and will devastate you when she starts seeing someone else.

There isn't a cure for getting over it. It's mainly just time. Finding someone new helps a lot too. My advice is to focus on yourself. Hit the gym, put more into your career, improve yourself. Then head back into the dating game and have fun. I know some people make fun of it, but online dating kicks ass.

[Solecismic]

It's good to let yourself wallow a little for a while. Take a deep breath, suck in the pain, let yourself experience it.

Try to remember what it felt like when things were good. Now realize just how far away you are from those moments. It's never worth pursuing the past.

When you've done some healing, you have a great opportunity - an opportunity to learn and take inventory and reinvent yourself. You can be a different person next time. You can experience new highs.

[tarcone]

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

I was 30. Its not the age its the maturity. I could barely take care of myself in my 20s. 27 was the age I started to figure it out. But I really didnt figure it out.
Then it took me about 3 years of marriage and 2 kids to really start maturing. And boy I havent reached a high level of maturity yet. Just enough to hang on. Dont worry about age. Worry about the right girl at the right time.

[tarcone]

27 was when I met the 19 year old virgin. But thats a whole nother story. Then I met my wife at 29. Age is relative man

[Matthean]

I guess what I wanna know and ask is what makes it better?

Her knowing what she wants. Period. There is nothing for you to help out with. This is on her. Until she figures it out and you are still single, be single.

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

(shakes cane)

Get off my lawn. :D As long as you are willing to date woman around 30, you should be good to go. The dating pool becomes a puddle after that depending on what you are looking for.

[BYU 14]

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

I would actually argue you that your "best" years for marriage lie ahead. I got married young the first time, married 19 years and it was a disaster for many of them. How me kids turned out as good as they did I have no idea.

I have been with my current wife 11 years, married 8 (I got married the second time at the age of 42) and with the exception of one very rough month it has been amazing.

There is lots of good advice in this thread and relationships are in a constant state of evolution and require work, recognition (of that evolution) and understanding.

Give her the space she wants, but also make your own terms. You can, and should, be both friends and lovers in a complete relationship, but if you are both not on that page it can be heartbreaking if one party is more vested than the other.

Doing things with her as a "friend" right now would probably be more agonizing than gratifying and you need to let her know that. Make sure she understands that you need to work through this too and because you still have deep feelings for her you can't be on a roller coaster.

Communicate, listen and express, just don't push too much. Apart from that time will heal and give you both the chance to sort through your feelings.

One way or another things will work out best for you. Don't do anything rash and let things play out however they do and remember you only have so much control.

Best of luck!

[britrock88]

Harry Nillsons " You;re breaking my heart" is also so great for these situations! so reccommended

Love Nilsson. In this kind of mood, how about "I'll Never Leave You"?

The quick phonecall I had with her she said no one else and I believe her she's a crappy liar when she does lie. She said that it was wanting to feel a little more independent for a while and figure out her life a little bit and that she knows were perfect for each other but is worried shes starting to love me more as a best friend than lover. She says she still wants to do stuff with me and be with me just isn't sure about things right now....so I dont know

She's probably telling you the truth, but don't let that get your hopes up too high. I faced a similar conversation just about two years ago; it was basically the end of things. So even if there is some soul-searching on her part over the coming days or weeks, you have to mentally acknowledge that things are likely coming to an end. If you have any lingering questions about your relationship, take the chance to try to get a straight answer out of her while you have an opportunity... though I wouldn't expect much in the way of straight answers.

Time really is the best salve. You'll spend a lot of time thinking, which is okay; just don't think so much that you make certain determinations about yourself and act on them. I think time for you is in order, given you may have to adjust to that circumstance soon. I wouldn't party too hard, and I wouldn't suffer privately too much, but there is certainly room for a little of each.

Just out of curiosity (don't feel compelled to answer), have you two been together for more than 2 years or so? I read soooo much and hear from my mother (a marriage therapist/MSW) about phases of love, and how after infatuation gives way to romantic love, you can ride that out to 18-36 months, and not too much longer. After that time period, couples tend to either settle into companionate love, or, finding the romance to be missing, take it as a sign to break up.

I'm probably no more special than anyone else on the board in terms of what I can tell you, but I'm certainly a sympathetic/willing ear. Best of luck; hope you're treating yourself alright. A drink and some good music to lose yourself in is one of the better ways to bide the time at the moment.

[Flasch186]

busy busy busy. Love yourself a ton and as you enjoy life to its fullest someoen (maybe her) will say, "holy shit, look at how much that guy enjoys life. I want some of that enjoyment." and theyll be clamoring for you to let them into what you have going on.

[Desnudo]

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

Not at all. Especially not as a guy.

[Eaglesfan27]

Via text? If she can't even tell you to your face then she isn't worth it.

This to me is the biggest red flag in the situation...

Anyway, give her space and time and keep yourself busy.

[Eaglesfan27]

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

No way. When I was single again at 34, there were so many opportunities, I was like a kid in a candy shop.

[IlliniCub]

Thanks guys I feel a little better today already I'm definitely not out of the woods yet but it's nice to feel that it is going to be ok one way or another. I'm going to drink today and wallow and take a sick day tomorrow then try to start things fresh and positive on Tuesday.

[claphamsa]

Thanks guys I feel a little better today already I'm definitely not out of the woods yet but it's nice to feel that it is going to be ok one way or another. I'm going to drink today and wallow and take a sick day tomorrow then try to start things fresh and positive on Tuesday.

im 36 and not even close to being ready to get married :)

[Matthean]

I remember talking to a girl who said most guys were clueless until they hit their 30s.

[RainMaker]

One thing I found when I hit 30 is a lot of the 25-28 year old women are eyeing guys like you. You usually have more money in the bank and some stability in life. It's a great time.

[JAG]

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

You've already been smacked around a lot with this, but my youngest brother married this year at 31 and the middle one married last year a month before he turned 37. I'm not sure where you got the idea that you're over the hill for marriage at 27, but it's far from the truth.

[bbor]

My ex left me after 16 years,Just walked out the door and didn't turn back.No reason (at that time) or anything...just needed 'space'.( Little did i know at that time she needed 'space' for more time with her boyfriend.).

I was pretty shocked that she was gone,and of course i was hoping she was coming back (obvi not). It didn't even hit me that she wasn't really coming back until i heard she was pregnant!

Anyways,I threw myself into my work (i'm an RE agent) that is probably what saved me.Keep busy,don't stand still,don't think,be numb and single minded.I had my best year ever work wise and still dated 2 or 3 times a week.Now after busting my ass of i am set financially,i've met a great girl (that is the polar opposite of my ex) and we've been together for 8 months.I barely ever think of my ex,and have moved on to bigger and better things.

It's fuckin tough,and it hurts like hell at the beginning....and all advice you get from friends and family is great and supportive and will help you though this.It;s hard to believe that you can come out on the other side of this but you can!

Bottom line is....and i think someone has said it before in the thread is keep busy for yourself.....the days will go by and the hurt will ebb away....and you will wake up one day with a brand new life. It will actually be exciting to see where this new path leads you.

[Kodos]

The way I dealt with my biggest instance of heartbreak was to remind myself constantly that wasting time caring for someone who doesn't even know how they feel about you is pointless. For me, the realization that having some me time would be good helped. I spent a lot of time with friends, just living the single life, enjoying my freedom. There is something to be said for not having anyone to answer to.

To me, this says she is interested in someone else more than you and is having a hard time just coming out with it because she doesn't want to hurt you that bad. The worst part about that is that the games and the constant will she/won't she is going to be a lot worse than just cutting loose and finding someone who will appreciate you.

Best bet in my opinion is to sever ties completely and forget about her as a potential love interest. It's not worth the time and effort to try and hold on to someone like this and it'll most likely do a lot more harm than good to try and salvage. Her loss.

Having been in a similar situation 20 years ago, I completely agree. Cut her loose. And don't bother trying to be friends. It will only be an ongoing source of pain. Find someone else who will appreciate you.

[Izulde]

Yep. If you don't cut her loose and instead do the friends thing with one of you having feelings and the other having what I like to call half-feelings, it only leads to the soggy, halfway house of a complicated, tense friendship that's more hassle than it's worth.

In the end, the final end just gets drawn out and you waste several months (or even years) of time, energy, and emotion that could be spent finding someone you truly belong with.

[Suburban Rhythm]

Via text? If she can't even tell you to your face then she isn't worth it.

I think this got overlooked.

You're 27, I don't think I saw how old she is. But this reeks of immaturity.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Illini, was in a similar situation to you when I was younger. Got all the waffling in the world about why with no firm good reason. That's a HUGE red flag that she's not giving you all the information here. Take a week or so to be pissed/upset and then move on to hitting the social scene a bit more. Enjoy the freedom a bit. If she really does want to come back, she knows your number. But don't spend endless hours worrying about it or getting in circular conversations with her.

You'll be fine. There's plenty more fish in the pond if this one doesn't want in the boat.

I think this got overlooked.

You're 27, I don't think I saw how old she is. But this reeks of immaturity.

Or of someone who's hiding something and is worried he'll figure it out if they talk in person.

[IlliniCub]

Shes 23....We're supposed to meet up and talk tonight so we'll see.

[Chief Rum]

Illini, this is going to sound harsh, so please take it as intended, not as it reads in tone.

In the long run, you are responsible for your happiness in life. You yourself. No one else. This girl in the end does not matter. If you end up back with her and she improves your life and makes you happy, great. If she doesn't, so be it.

The point is, in the end, you only have yourself. But let me put it another end. In the end, you ALWAYS have yourself.

Work on you. Improve yourself. Live for yourself. Make the best life FOR YOURSELF and no else.

Do that and someone will be around who loves you. A person like this hypothtetical you will find love. But the point is, even if you don't, you don't need to. Because you always have yourself.

When you realize you are all you need, you stop needing to have anyone else. And then you can choose to bring the people (and women) into your life who enrich you and don't bring you down.

[Kodos]

I can attest from personal experience - the on-again, off-again thing will drain your soul and crush your self-esteem if you let it.

[ISiddiqui]

Eeeks, sorry I missed this thread earlier... Hopefully your conversation was fruitful. There is nothing more annoying than an SO who "doesn't know what to do" or "needs some time to think on things" - I mean maybe that situation can last a few weeks or a month, but if it goes on, you really can't have the trust and commitment a successful relationship need. Don't let yourself get dragged around - don't enslave yourself to her timing because your feelings and needs are just as important as hers.

[ISiddiqui]

I can attest from personal experience - the on-again, off-again thing will drain your soul and crush your self-esteem if you let it.

A million times yes on this.

[Dr. Sak]

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

I got married 8 months ago at the ripe old age of 34. I had a similar experience at your age with a woman who I thought was "the one". She told me she was extremely busy finishing her PhD and didn't have time for our relationship but she still wanted "to date". What I didn't know at the time (actually I just failed to believe it eventhough the signs were there) is that she was having another relationship with her "good friend".

It's easy for me to tell you not to get strung along, but you have to decided when it is enough. Lean on your friends...family...and try to have fun. I took up football officiating to "kill time"...and thanks to her...it's been one of the best decisions of my life.

I am not going to tell you what you should do. If it doesn't work out, I can promise you that as time goes by the hurt will subside. I will also promise you that one day you will realize that she isn't the girl you though she was/is. Being emotionally vested in a relationship you aren't able to be objective about it. However, when you are separated from it after a substantial period of time, you are able to see that the person you "thought' you loved was not as compatible with you as you once thought.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

I got married 8 months ago at the ripe old age of 34. I had a similar experience at your age with a woman who I thought was "the one". She told me she was extremely busy finishing her PhD and didn't have time for our relationship but she still wanted "to date". What I didn't know at the time (actually I just failed to believe it eventhough the signs were there) is that she was having another relationship with her "good friend".

It's easy for me to tell you not to get strung along, but you have to decided when it is enough. Lean on your friends...family...and try to have fun. I took up football officiating to "kill time"...and thanks to her...it's been one of the best decisions of my life.

I am not going to tell you what you should do. If it doesn't work out, I can promise you that as time goes by the hurt will subside. I will also promise you that one day you will realize that she isn't the girl you though she was/is. Being emotionally vested in a relationship you aren't able to be objective about it. However, when you are separated from it after a substantial period of time, you are able to see that the person you "thought' you loved was not as compatible with you as you once thought.

Here's my story along these lines for what it's worth. Dated a girl for three years. Got the 'need some time', 'really busy right now with college', etc. excuses for about a month. I was pretty blindly in love. After a month or so of seeing her only a couple times, I decided to set up a surprise for Valentine's Day. Went over to her house to chat with her mom (who I got along with very well). Was telling the mom how I wanted her help with the surprise. She got a funny look on her face and said, "You do know that X has been dating another guy for two months now, right? I assumed that you kept coming by because you wanted to continue to be friends." She felt really bad about the situation. I'm so thankful that her mom told me and avoided it dragging on any further.

I'm hoping for Illini's sake that someone else other than his girlfriend will help him move on sooner rather than later because I know how this ends.

[ColtCrazy]

...

[finketr]

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

Sorry, are you serious?

If so, here's my story: I met my now wife when I was 34. Talk about luck working in my favor at that time. We've been married for almost 5 years now (i'm 41) and have a wonderful 2 year old (but that's another thread). So, 27 is too old? No way!

on a side note: my dad was 27 when he married my mom and they were married for 47+ years (mom passed last february).

you'll do fine. keep busy as others have said. See if there are activities that you've missed doing over the years.

[finketr]

Thanks guys I feel a little better today already I'm definitely not out of the woods yet but it's nice to feel that it is going to be ok one way or another. I'm going to drink today and wallow and take a sick day tomorrow then try to start things fresh and positive on Tuesday.

also a good solution when you lose a job via layoff for the first time...

All 9 of us went out to drink after that meeting. that was 16 years ago...

[IlliniCub]

I'm already starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. I know there will be hard times and weak moments ahead such as tomorrow being an anniversary. Either way I know I'm going to get there. I went to the boxing gym and fought for the first time in a couple years today. Thinking about taking another MMA fight or two before hanging it up again. Felt good to take out some aggression. I'm not over it but I'm on the road to being there and you guys have helped significantly. Haven't even tried to text or call since our talk Monday. I plan on maybe sending her one more text tomorrow to see if she is still on for hanging this weekend and beyond that it's all in her court. I'm confident I was a good guy and did what I could do and if that's not enough, then someone else will appreciate it.

[Flasch186]

Fuck yeah!

[JonInMiddleGA]

Rock on Cub, rock on

[IlliniCub]

Alright I'm weak and hanging with her tomorrow night ha....What's the best way to play it if I do want her back one day? I'm prepared to move on if it doesn't work but just curious if you guys have any advice on how to play the situation tomorrow to try to stir up interest again. She's seemed to miss me a bit and has been texting every night again

[Matthean]

I wouldn't play it. Until she has her crap together and giving you the green light, just be you. Don't worry about what you might want in the future because that can change.

[JonInMiddleGA]

What's the best way to play it if I do want her back one day?

My gut reaction to that question is "don't even think like that". And that answer isn't blowing off your question at all, it's actually my answer.

You start thinking like that (or planning actions from that standpoint) then you're going to give ground that you don't easily get back. My advice to you is the same as I give to my 15 y/o son on a regular basis and it's the same advice I gave to an old friend who is currently taking one more shot at saving her badly troubled marriage of 25 years:

Just be you. That oughta be good enough for anybody that matters. Moreover, it has to be good enough, because you can't sustain being what you think someone wants forever, you eventually end up having to be yourself.

edit to add: Damned scary to post this & see Matthean use the same phrase moments earlier.

[Danny]

Just be you

[Lathum]

you should watch Swingers, I think they cover all this

[Danny]

just be you

Yeah

[IlliniCub]

Funny thing I bet I've watched swingers like 6 times since this whole thing went down! It's the ultimate guy break up movie

[Flasch186]

be selfish in a positive way, a fun selfish, a determined and demanding selfish. It works 1. because you get happy and 2. chicks dig it. Esp if you're cocky...or is it funny?

[CraigSca]

Yep, show you're moving on and that you're ok with it. For example, if you guys go to a bar, when she comes back from the bathroom, be talking to other people around you. It's a big deal to not be the center of attention when you've been that way your entire relationship - will make her realize some things.

[Mike Lowe]

Do not hang out with her. Let her be. You're letting her eat her cake. The more you push, the longer this will go.

Dude, simple rule: A relationship CAN take hard work sometimes, but it's not rocket science.

Take charge, make the decisions YOURSELF (she's calling the shots), and don't do it for the sake of causing a scene, or getting attention, or having to fake looking cool by talking to random people at a bar (you'll look like a freak who's trying WAY too hard).

Go be you. Delete her number to resist the urge. You're going to think about it which is totally fine, but don't act on it. Think of it as a football game that ended poorly and that you "lost." You learn from it, but you don't go back and try and fix it, or call the team up and ask for just a few more plays.

Prepare yourself to be stronger/better for the next game...

[IlliniCub]

Should of listened to you guys! So a week after making my post or so we got back together and things were fine seemingly. Moved in together and long story short I was taking a walk and some guy came from behind and sucker punched me in the eye. She'd been cheating on me for the last few weeks with some random guy while I was working and I found out by getting attacked. A trip to the emergency room and six stitched in my eye and now I'm back home. I didn't fight back have too much to risk career wise. I boxed for years and my eyes never looked this bad. So in short you guys were right and I should of left it alone! I found out the hard way.

[Chief Rum]

Should of listened to you guys! So a week after making my post or so we got back together and things were fine seemingly. Moved in together and long story short I was taking a walk and some guy came from behind and sucker punched me in the eye. She'd been cheating on me for the last few weeks with some random guy while I was working and I found out by getting attacked. A trip to the emergency room and six stitched in my eye and now I'm back home. I didn't fight back have too much to risk career wise. I boxed for years and my eyes never looked this bad. So in short you guys were right and I should of left it alone! I found out the hard way.

Sorry to hear that, Illini Cub.

Most importantly, though, no babies, no ring, no hooks right? You can be free and clear of her. She isn't worth your time, hard as that may be to accept.

What exactly was the guy up to anyway? Did he think she was cheating on him with you? Not sure I understand what he thought he was gaining. Personally, I would consider pressing charges on his ass, but maybe not for you if you want to move on from all this as quick as possible.

[IlliniCub]

No he knew she was living with me and knew the whole thing from what I understand. I think he was unhappy that she was living with me and wanted to expedite the process of getting her out since I had no idea and she didn't tell me. But honestly I don't know. Honestly I think she has some sort of depression or bi polar issue possibly. Charges have been pressed bystanders called the cops. He ran off after doing it, but the cops found him and arrested him. I'm as confounded as anyone it was going on under my nose so yeah, on the plus side honestly it makes it easier to move on this time as I feel I could never forgive that one.

[IlliniCub]

Dola and yeah no ring or kids thankfully.

[Julio Riddols]

I was unfortunate enough to have a kid with my ex before she decided to start banging the head housekeeper at her hotel. You did good to avoid that part of things.

Best part is, that behind the scenes stress of being unsure and not believing fully in someone will lift now, and you'll find yourself feeling renewed in a month or two (if you're anything like me anyway). My ex did me a favor by leaving, unfortunately my son is caught up in something he has no control over going back and forth between us and I'll never be able to get over that part.

Now do you, be greedy for yourself and reap the rewards of freedom, peace of mind, and sanity that you never knew you had lost.

[Chief Rum]

Illini, this is going to sound harsh, so please take it as intended, not as it reads in tone.

In the long run, you are responsible for your happiness in life. You yourself. No one else. This girl in the end does not matter. If you end up back with her and she improves your life and makes you happy, great. If she doesn't, so be it.

The point is, in the end, you only have yourself. But let me put it another end. In the end, you ALWAYS have yourself.

Work on you. Improve yourself. Live for yourself. Make the best life FOR YOURSELF and no else.

Do that and someone will be around who loves you. A person like this hypothtetical you will find love. But the point is, even if you don't, you don't need to. Because you always have yourself.

When you realize you are all you need, you stop needing to have anyone else. And then you can choose to bring the people (and women) into your life who enrich you and don't bring you down.

Just bringing up my quote from before. It still applies here. You have you. That is all you need. Love yourself, make your life what you want it to be. The ones who deserve to love you will be there when you do. When you won't need them to be there, but when you want them to be there.

[IlliniCub]

Thank you.... I didn't understand before, but I really think I do now.

[RainMaker]

Be careful. If a guy is willing to sucker punch you like that who knows what he is capable of doing later on. Should have a restraining order placed against him and she should be asked to leave immediately.

No shame in arming yourself either. The guy seems like a loose cannon and she seems to have some issues too.

[IlliniCub]

I've strategically placed a golf club in every room of my house for now as a precaution. I don't have a foid card so I can't really buy a more powerful means of protection right away without applying for one.

[stevew]

You should be able to pull parts of his record I think. If he has past charges you should see them I'd think. Don't know about your state though

[IlliniCub]

Apparently he just got out of prison recently, I just got back from the states attorney's office to see about restitution and what not.

[stevew]

Just buy a gun then AND make sure you don't have the hiv

[JediKooter]

What stevew said. Get tested for STDs, but, I would ask your ex to pay for it....just to rub it in a little bit. The guilt, not the STDs.

[stevew]

Thread title needs updated to account for the broken face.

[BYU 14]

Damn Cub, this just sucks, especially the way you found out, total bullshit.

Like others said and you know, do what you need to do for you and know you are better off. Sounds like your Ex and this guy deserve each other and hopefully the assault charge buts his ass right back in prison.

[IlliniCub]

I'll post a pic soon, is there a good app or way to block texts.....she texted me earlier saying it was my fault he's in jail and that she's alone and then asked if I knew where she could get 750 to bail him out.

[BYU 14]

I'll post a pic soon, is there a good app or way to block texts.....she texted me earlier saying it was my fault he's in jail and that she's alone and then asked if I knew where she could get 750 to bail him out.

WTF, wow, that is some nerve, damn you for putting your eye in the way of his fist.

I don't know what provider you have, but with Verizon you can do it on their website, also some phones have the ability to, on the Iphone you can select the number and scroll down and there is the option to block.

[miked]

Get a restraining order against both. Use her texts against her.

[DaddyTorgo]

Get a restraining order against both. Use her texts against her.

:D

[NobodyHere]

I'll post a pic soon, is there a good app or way to block texts.....she texted me earlier saying it was my fault he's in jail and that she's alone and then asked if I knew where she could get 750 to bail him out.

It's posts like is the reason I never try hard to get a date.


If only prostitution was legal everywhere.

[BYU 14]

It's posts like is the reason I never try hard to get a date.


If only prostitution was legal everywhere.

Ping Izulde :D

[IlliniCub]

I tried to attach a pic...we'll see if it posted

[DaddyTorgo]

Fuck man

[Flasch186]

dayum

[Julio Riddols]

Holy balls. That's beyond a shiner.

[JediKooter]

She can not be serious. Make sure she doesn't have any keys to your place or all of your shit might be gone and all of a sudden she has 750 dollars in bail money.

She's doing some serious mental gymnastics and I would get a restraining order against her and her super hero of a boyfriend like miked suggested. Something tells me that him getting thrown in jail is not a deterrent to change his behavior and I wouldn't be surprised if he tried something again.

[DaddyTorgo]

She can not be serious. Make sure she doesn't have any keys to your place or all of your shit might be gone and all of a sudden she has 750 dollars in bail money.

She's doing some serious mental gymnastics and I would get a restraining order against her and her super hero of a boyfriend like miked suggested. Something tells me that him getting thrown in jail is not a deterrent to change his behavior and I wouldn't be surprised if he tried something again.

What Jedi said. All of it. Seriously...this time...listen to the wiser voices of the internet.

[Kodos]

At the very least, carry some pepper spray or something like that with you.

[MacroGuru]

If he was in prison before, chances are he just violated probation. I would push this one to the fullest extent AND a restraining order.

[DaddyTorgo]

Yeah - I'd have to imagine assault would be an automatic probation violation. Straight back to the pokey.

[IlliniCub]

At the 2nd court date the judge lowered his bail despite the States Attorney listing off all his previous failure to appears and crimes. It was odd seeing the girl I spent the last few years of my life loving in his corner to say the least. She took out a title loan on her car and got him out a few days ago and then texted me asking if she could borrow 30 for gas because she had no money in her account later that night. I told her to ask her new boyfriend for it. So he is out, apparently he wasn't on probation. Next court date is September 2nd. I would assume he'll plead guilty since he and his friends bragged about it to the police in their statement but you never know. I'm working on my statement for before the sentencing whenever that takes place as I really wanna see them throw the book at this guy.

[Solecismic]

At least you'll never have doubts about whether she was the one. She should receive a prize for worst girlfriend ever.

Is there ever a need to respond to any of her texts ever again? Can you just tell her never to contact you again and block her?

You have to wonder what she told this guy about you. Not only that this assault seems bizarre, but that she's still in his corner. People do numerous mental gymnastics to justify infidelity. Be careful.

[IlliniCub]

Yeah I've wondered that too if maybe she told this guy something false about me to get him fired up. I honestly don't know.

[SegRat]

It's terrible what she is doing. Good luck.

[Mike Lowe]

Sounds like they are perfect for each other; they are the Maximum Football of human beings.

[MrBug708]

You should have met up with her with 30 dollars of monopoly money

[RainMaker]

At the 2nd court date the judge lowered his bail despite the States Attorney listing off all his previous failure to appears and crimes.

Can't beat the Judges in this state. They wonder why crime is so bad in Chicago. Seems like every day I read about some guy being arrested for a violent crime and it turns out he had 10+ run-ins with the law and a judge let him out easy.

I also think you should avoid contact with her. Don't bother responding to texts. Probably tempting to be mean but it's better that you just act like she is yesterday's news. Maybe even have her number blocked. I'd also push for the restraining order against the guy if you haven't already. That's quite a shiner.

[DaddyTorgo]

Yeah - if you keep up with contact with her it's just going to end up with another shiner for you, or worse.

Restraining order on both of them (or at least him) and move on dude.

[Young Drachma]

Terrible stuff man. So sorry. Stay far away, you deserve much better.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Time to change this thread title to 'What to do for a broken face?"

[Senator]

You just were handed the golden ticket. There will be a time in your future where you will say, "wow, I got lucky there"! It will take time, but I have more than once wished I could go back in time and say to the younger me, you didn't have to worry so much. It works out if you stay smarter than your heart.

[Matthean]

The next time you date you get to say, "Well, as long as I don't end up with a black eye from the guy you are cheating on me with, he's not going back to jail again, and you aren't asking for bail money for him, you are already winning."

[nol]

their is someone else in the mix,move on asap,been their done that,the very best thing you can do is move on,about the time you stop caring will be the time she wants to come crawling back,let her come back on your terms,treat her like shit an bang as many other women as possible an generally don't give a fuck about her,works great,i speak from experience :)

There needs to be a draft or one of those "you have $15" things where you have to create the greatest team of posters; you could blow most of your budget on someone with a custom title or you could just stock your roster with classics like this from people with <10 posts.

[sterlingice]

The next time you date you get to say, "Well, as long as I don't end up with a black eye from the guy you are cheating on me with, he's not going back to jail again, and you aren't asking for bail money for him, you are already winning."

Sounds like a "great" icebreaker :D

SI

[IlliniCub]

Any Advice for meeting women at 28? I don't know I just feel like I've been out of the game too long and the rules changed while I was out or something.

[sabotai]

My advice would be to not worry about that for at least a few months.

Edit: And I've been (mostly) single since I was 27 (36 now), so beyond "take some time before jumping back into dating", I've got nothing.

[corbes]

The state's attorney's office has a copy of a photograph of your eye looking like that, right? Send one to your victim advocate if not.

/advice from a prosecutor

[IlliniCub]

Yeah they do.... The cops took pics at the scene and I've met with the victims advocate several times since it happened. I also want to exercise my right to make a statement at sentencing when it gets that far. Any advice on what I should say that could help get this guy put away?

[Shepp]

Yeah they do.... The cops took pics at the scene and I've met with the victims advocate several times since it happened. I also want to exercise my right to make a statement at sentencing when it gets that far. Any advice on what I should say that could help get this guy put away?

I could probably point out the fact that he has already ambushed you once and that you don't feel like you should have to be looking over your shoulder for round two.

[corbes]

You're the only one who knows how it affected you. Let them know that, and most of all be honest.

[RainMaker]

Any Advice for meeting women at 28? I don't know I just feel like I've been out of the game too long and the rules changed while I was out or something.

Online dating is easy. Easiest place to meet a lot of women. Like 25% of all married couples met their spouse online now and that number is likely to increase.

Side note but my Dad was lonely years after his divorce. Talked him into online dating at one of the sites and he has been dating in his 60's. Normal people too.

[Lathum]

Any Advice for meeting women at 28? I don't know I just feel like I've been out of the game too long and the rules changed while I was out or something.

28 is nothing.

I met my wife when I was 30. Going to hit 7 blissful years of marriage in November, 2 amazing kids, great house, great home life, and she is also my best friend, happy as can be.

I am a firm believer a relationship will rarely work if you meet before 30, late 20s at best. Almost everyone I know who was divorced married at a younger age. I think the best thing you can do is learn who you are before combining your life with someone else.

[Matthean]

28 is nothing.

I met my wife when I was 30. Going to hit 7 blissful years of marriage in November, 2 amazing kids, great house, great home life, and she is also my best friend, happy as can be.

I am a firm believer a relationship will rarely work if you meet before 30, late 20s at best. Almost everyone I know who was divorced married at a younger age. I think the best thing you can do is learn who you are before combining your life with someone else.

Counter point, I know a number of people who married their high school sweethearts and are still married 20+ years in. The last bit is true though. I think the big thing for me is having a servant's heart. If life is still about you, odds are the relationship won't last long. I think this is why getting married later is better because you get past a lot of your own crap as you grow older. I can only assume people who met in HS went through a lot of growing pains as a couple as they figured out how to deal with each other.

[Julio Riddols]

I feel like I am getting better with age at 33.. I'm more confident, more motivated, and more sure of what I want than ever before. This seems to bode well for meeting a woman worth a damn next time around.

I second the online dating idea, it is so much easier these days to make sure you're not getting into something ridiculous, and as time goes by I agree it will become one of the more common ways for people to meet. I've met 2 past girlfriends online, one was even way back in the late 90's and we were together for 2 years. The other wound up being more of a friend than anything, but I wound up getting to go to Paris and live in a house on the outskirts of the city for 2 weeks for less than 1000 dollars with a day in London thrown in for good measure.

[korme]

Any Advice for meeting women at 28? I don't know I just feel like I've been out of the game too long and the rules changed while I was out or something.

Tinder (http://www.gotinder.com/)

[Izulde]

Online dating isn't any easier or more difficult than any other dating tactic IMO. The only difference is that it's become more socially acceptable than it used to be.

[JediKooter]

Any Advice for meeting women at 28? I don't know I just feel like I've been out of the game too long and the rules changed while I was out or something.

Well, the bar has been set pretty low from your ex, it should be a breeze to meet someone! ;)

Seriously though at 28, there's a few metric tons of fun, vibrant, sexy women out there. The buffet is all yours, it's all you can eat and it's open 24 hours a day...don't waste your time on leftovers. Just get out there, they're everywhere.

[aknott]

28 is nothing.

I met my wife when I was 30. Going to hit 7 blissful years of marriage in November, 2 amazing kids, great house, great home life, and she is also my best friend, happy as can be.

I am a firm believer a relationship will rarely work if you meet before 30, late 20s at best. Almost everyone I know who was divorced married at a younger age. I think the best thing you can do is learn who you are before combining your life with someone else.

Yeah, I met my wife 2 months before my 29th birthday. We actually met on eHarmony, but once we started talking we realized that one of her best friends is married to one of my best friends. We just never all hung out at once, although I am sure it would have happened eventually. We bought a house earlier this year and have been married almost a month now (which is hard to believe, time flies).

[Blackadar]

You just were handed the golden ticket. There will be a time in your future where you will say, "wow, I got lucky there"! It will take time, but I have more than once wished I could go back in time and say to the younger me, you didn't have to worry so much. It works out if you stay smarter than your heart.

Senator wins the thread.

Glad you dodged this bullet. Sorry about your eye.

[IlliniCub]

Wow thanks man that's awesome advice Senator and I agree I know in my head I dodged a bullet. It's just a matter of waiting for my heart to catch up with my emotional side. I've had my most positive day since everything happened and everyone in my life has been 100 percent in my corner. I pray every night she gets out of the situation and finds safety but I fear she'll have to learn the hard way and he'll put her eye like mine one day.

[Danny]

You should get back at her by also sleeping with this guy

[BillJasper]

You should get back at her by also sleeping with this guy

:eek:

[IlliniCub]

Haha I don't really have a desire to "get back"at her just wanna live well.

[IlliniCub]

As an Update I'm doing pretty decent. There's times where I think man this isn't so bad and then there's times where I almost think I'd be weak enough to try to reason with her and take her back if she came. It's going to be weird going to the court on the 2nd and seeing the young woman that's been my rock these last couple years in the corner of some guy that assaulted me who she barely knows. I think I can game face it and do what needs to be done but it will be tough. Sounds almost like a pro wrestling angle when you put it that way.

[Matthean]

There's times where I think man this isn't so bad and then there's times where I almost think I'd be weak enough to try to reason with her and take her back if she came.

No.

[IlliniCub]

Don't worry I won't take her back. My friends and family have been very clear to me on that one. I got to keep some dignity out of this thing.

[Neuqua]

The key is to not force the "getting over her" phase. You're human and it's ok to be sad and let yourself be sad as long as you know you're now doing the right thing. Too many people try to rush from one relationship to the next because they don't know how to be single and those kinds of relationships hardly last very long.

I was with someone for 5 years and after things didn't work out, it was only after taking time to myself and finding productive things to do that I finally found the person I'm with now. Now I'm able to look back and realize why things didn't work out with the first girl and have no regrets.

Give yourself time.

[IlliniCub]

Any good break up Album recommendations? I've been hitting Beck''s Sea Change a lot, also today discovered Pete Fij broken heart surgery which is great. Plan on sipping some bourbon while watching Swingers and listening to music tonight.

[JediKooter]

I always just masturbate instead.

[stevew]

Kid Cudi Man on the Moon

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Any good break up Album recommendations? I've been hitting Beck''s Sea Change a lot, also today discovered Pete Fij broken heart surgery which is great. Plan on sipping some bourbon while watching Swingers and listening to music tonight.

Best breakup song ever:

Weird Al: "One More Minute"

[IlliniCub]

Man just when I think I'm starting to feel pretty ok again. I'm driving around and see her driving him in her car and feel like crud, is that normal to feel that way in these situations haha. I'm just so confused I was always good to her, had a great job took good care of her, but she leaves for the lowest rung of the ladder of society. I wonder if that makes me look like a joke to people sometimes. I don't know just struggling with it a bit today but still trying to stay smarter tan my heart.

[JediKooter]

I would be very surprised if anyone thinks of you like that. She's the one that messed up, not you. As long as you know you were good to her, that's enough in my opinion. Don't text her, don't call her, don't email her and don't respond if she does any of those. You are free from one big headache, celebrate it. :)

[JonInMiddleGA]

but she leaves for the lowest rung of the ladder of society. I wonder if that makes me look like a joke to people sometimes.

Nah. Ain't nobody, male or female, not seen a woman do stupid shit like that. Bad choices are just hardwired in some people.

[jeff061]

Nah. Ain't nobody, male or female, not seen a woman do stupid shit like that. Bad choices are just hardwired in some people.


This. No one is going to be looking at you negatively.

[SportsDino]

It is nothing you did. Women get bored, our society seems to sponsor being dissatisfied with your boyfriend unless he is regularly 'thrilling'. Even if you have everything in your favor in the looks/personality department, if you generally have a feeling of 'safe' and 'comfortable' about you it can play against you simply because of the absence of drama.

Usually women grow out of this phase in their late 20's as the appeal of the 'adventurous men' wears off as it becomes obvious they are just variants of the same old loser. Literally the same reasons she is bored of you right now becomes the reason she will be bored of the thug, the concept of 'same-ness', not any rational factor like 'happiness', 'safety', 'pleasure', and in one case with a friend even 'looks'. (At least our group and most ladies seemed to think our good guy made the thug look like a troll).

It seems the absence of drama or attention can be the problem, the good guy stops trying to flirt with her because he doesn't really have to anymore, so someone else wanders by flirting up a storm and the girl longs for the dating infatuation phase again.

If your unlucky enough to be an ugly dude like myself, even the illusion of someone different flirting with your girl can lure her away. In that case she ended up hitting on my coworker and he was so disgusted he wanted nothing to do with her (so basically she threw away our relationship and her friendship with my coworker, just because I was safe and boring and she thought she had a chance at an 'upgrade').

Finally, women are more ruthless than guys, they will lie in the scuzziest ways. If you did not play into her lie what would happen is she would constantly find faults with you and act like you are the worst man alive. I went through months of this while she was flirting with my coworker, she had to demonize me to justify her actions, I went from being a knight in shining armor to the worst man alive who was pure evil, simply based on what I needed to be to justify her own lies.

That was hell, and I think it is probably exactly what happened with you in a way. Maybe she used the other guy to attack you, although I bet you can recall instances where she acted off during the time you were living together, or you thought you were doing the right thing but no matter what you did it was always wrong.

The people that matter are going to think that she is the joke. If anything when I was in this spot most of my group eventually was on my side (despite her best attempts to demonize me publicly after the reveal, character shines through in the end, and she really only swayed some of the ladies in our group that thought I was an ugly bore anyway). If you do have a shared group of friends be prepared for her to try to make you look bad, if any look like they are buying her crap, just keep calm and stick to the truth of who you are. Eventually they will do the math and realize that you are the same person you were before, but that she has changed and become bitter. Even the ladies in your group of friends which normally tend to side with the girl will realize what is right and wrong.

As for moving on, it is best to just find things you are interested in and do them. Take the trips you couldn't before, do the activities you never had time for... you don't need a woman to be happy. Rebound date for a fling all you want, but deliberately do not look for the one while you are still hurting. It might turn out while you are having fun you find the girl by accident, don't force anything, she'll stick around if she is the one.

And don't mention your past girlfriend, even if they ask keep the answer short and to the point, as even though you were wronged I think the ladies use it against you.

Eventually you will find someone better. And over 30 at least to me it is easier to find someone who is over the head games and drama.

[IlliniCub]

Thanks man that's really good advice. I actually had a fantastic first date last night, very beautiful and sweet girl. Going to take it slow, but it definitely helped put things in perspective for me. Most of the mutual friends say she messed up and she'll beg to come back one day (which I wont take her back). I've kind of taken the high road in this thing and people see that and have been supportive, but yeah a lot of what you said is spot on she was nitpicking a lot at the end over silly, trivial things that wouldn't matter to a normal person.

[IlliniCub]

Well as a quick update I'm doing very well. A lot of the advice you guys gave did wonders. When she tried to crawl back I said no. He plead guilty finally this week, and is facing up to 3 years in prison. I can't wait to break my silence and give my statement at sentencing. It will be nice to see the look on his and her face when the sentence is handed out and I can be done with the whole mess. I've had an awesome few months though and have just in general had a great time so all is well :)

[Flasch186]

Nice

[flere-imsaho]

:D

[SegRat]

Awesome

[SportsDino]

Score one for the good guy.

[Kodos]

:)

[IlliniCub]

Well thanks for all of your support and advice guys. It's amazing how months later I look back on this as one of the best things to happen to me in a way. I got out of a crappy relationship and got on with my life. Sometimes you don't realize how much someone is sucking your life away until they're gone! It all ended in court this week. I gave my speech, and the judge gave him 2.5 years in the Illinois department of corrections. She and him both cried and it was quite cathartic for me, honestly I felt pity more than anything else.

[PilotMan]

Good to hear. That was some scary, unhinged shit. Glad to hear you got your day and it went well.

[RainMaker]

Holy shit, that's great. Did he have priors or something? That seems like a big sentence for a punch but there is probably more to it.

Glad you got out and are going in the right direction. It always feels good in retrospect.

[IlliniCub]

Yes he had a lot of priors. Also he happened to catch a judge who had dealt with him a lot in the past and was not amused. Also the charge was Assault and Battery in a public place which is a class 3 felony.

[BYU 14]

Great news and so glad you can close this chapter completely now.

[Karlifornia]

Good stuff. Sucks to be dragged down into the muck, but the fact that you trusted yourself and got out will reward you tremendously going forward. Cheers!

[Kodos]

Great news. :)

[Lathum]

I am always curious about stuff like this. Do you think the guy will come looking for you for retribution in 2.5 years?

[lighthousekeeper]

awesome! best possible outcome from a shitty situation. on the bright side, you can now trump anyone who tries to tell an interesting break-up story.

[IlliniCub]

Honestly the thought has crossed my mind Lathum, but I'd rather he did come after me rather than me not take action due to fear he may one day. I can't live my life in fear. Surprise wouldn't be on his side this time as I now know who he is as well. With that being said I'll play it safe, I've signed up to be notified of any change of status in his incarceration and will stay cautious to an extent for a while.