NFL Draft: Dirty Dozen

[Fritz]

THE DIRTY DOZEN

By Profootballtalk Miserable Guy Dante Aligheri

Off Season Update #3

April 10, 2003

Yea -- I'm back. Nice April Fools spoof (hey Brainiacs -- April Fools is on the 1st, not the 2nd) of this column by the knuckleheads who run this Site -- too bad the rest of the Site seems to celebrate this gag day 365 days a year.

In this edition of the The Dirty Dozen, let's look at the needs of the turd-ites of the 12 worst teams of the NFL and what they may be looking to do in the upcoming NFL Draft (and tell that Roto Rooter guy to move a little to the left of the bowl, please):

(Tie) 12. New Orleans Saints (9 - 7)

Rank Last Update: 12

Forget New York -- this year the Saints are going to Oz for their Draft needs -- they figure they have a better chance with the Wizard than the NCAA in finding some players with heart, courage and a brain.



(Tie) 12. Indianapolis Colts (10 - 6)

Rank Last Update: 12

The Colts brass has one main objective in their Draft plans for this season's version of Tony's Turds -- a player who is adept at the Heimlich maneuver so he can be rushed on the field as soon as Peyton starts his recurring choke-job in every big game that the Colts play in 2003 (which usually ends after about Game 5 of the season).



11. Baltimore Ravens (7 - 9)

Rank Last Update: 11

Quarterback is the name of the Draft game here -- riding the Iraq war train to its fullest tilt, Coach Ego decides to draft General Tommy Franks to lead the Ravens offense during the 2003 campaign -- along with a 10 player platoon of special forces, commandoes and one frazzled looking embedded media guy with a broken microphone.



10. Minnesota Vikings (6 - 10)

Rank Last Update: 10

Forget football ability -- the Vikes are looking for chauffeurs in this year's version of the Draft -- anyone who can keep Randy "Forget The Plastic Statue -- I Want A Real 'Ho As A Hood Ornament" Moss and Club President Mike "Hey -- Clinton Got Away With All That Shit And He Was A President, Too" Kelly off the streets of Viking land.



9. Jacksonville Jaguars (6 - 10)

Rank Last Update: 8

The front office, in attempting to satisfy owner Wayne Weaver's directive to put more people in the stands, have targeted evangelist Billy Graham as their number one pick -- with Mike "I'll Make You Love Me" Tyson as their second choice.



8. St. Louis Rams (7 - 9)

Rank Last Update: 9

Mike Martz is offensive -- but so is Kurt Warner's wife for that matter -- so Coach Dumpy will draft a B-1 Bomber in Round 1 of the Draft (he'll go after the French pea shooters in the post-Draft free agent signing period).



7. Arizona Cardinals (5 - 11)

Rank Last Update: 7

Hoping to scare opponents, the Cards have been seriously considering the selection of Frank N. Stein in Round 1 -- but have since decided otherwise since his mental capacity is too much like owner Bill "Nice Bow Tie -- Do You Work In A Carnival?" Bidwell.



6. Washington Redskins (7 - 9)

Rank Last Update: 6

Borrowing suits from the '80s show Fantasy Island, team owner Danny "Tattoo" Snyder and team consultant Ricardo Montalban hope to greet each and every player selected in the NFL Draft (all 2 of them) as they enter the home of the Little Guy's team.

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5. Dallas Cowboys (5 - 11)

Rank Last Update: 5

Realizing that the glory days of the Cowboys were during the time that the team's roster consisted of felons and womanizers, Jerry Jones (a/k/a the Mummy) has convinced Coach Chicklits to select Charles Manson and Hugh Hefner in Rounds 1 and 2.



4. Houston Texans (4 - 12)

Rank Last Update: 4

The Texans, trying to overcome fan criticism of recent Drafts, are considering the hire of Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed al-Sahhaf for purposes of telling the media such exaggerations as “the Texans are going to win the Super Bowl this year,” “sure David Carr likes to get hit every play” and “Charley Casserly has a nice haircut.”



3. Chicago Bears (4 - 12)

Rank Last Update: 3

During the off season the Bears went out and targeted former Steeler turd and always surprising Kordell Stewart as their next starting QB -- to go along with Kordell, the Bores are hoping to draft always revolting female impersonator RuPaul as his new roommate.

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2. Cincinnati Bengals (2 - 14)

Rank Last Update: 1

In preparation for the visits of potential Bengals Draftees, Head Coach Marvin “I’m Away From Dan Snyder -- You’d Be Smiling Too” Lewis had various motivational slogans such as “Hard Work Pays Off”, “Focus”and “Be Tough” painted on the walls of the Bengals weight room. Bengals veterans, however, ever cognizant of the past history of The Club That Brown Destroyed, have prepared stencils for far more accurate sayings that will go up after Game 2 of the upcoming season: “Help!”, “Aaarrgghhh!” and “Is It Too Late To Go Play In The CFL?”



1. Detroit Lions (3 - 13)

Rank Last Update: 2

As the leader of the new head turd of the Bowl, GM Matt Millen has been rapidly preparing for the upcoming Draft. Unfortunately, Mr. Time Warp, whose lack of football knowledge is only surpassed by his ineptness not to eat everything in sight, is now severely disappointed when he was told that the “Draft” he was expecting went away shortly after the Vietnam War. (“But I went out and bought some real boots and other Army stuff -- damn”).

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