FBCB: Passion, Pride and Prestige (Take 2)

[Cap Ologist]

***Author's note***

This is a reworking of an idea that I tried to do, but I got too wrapped up in the basketball part and neglected the storyline that I wanted to use for a back drop. For the most part, the story will stay the same, a few minor details will be changed, but the actual basketball history part will stay the same. Anyway, my goal is to actually develop the characters and the plot this time around. Hope you enjoy the journey.

******

The number for my hotel room is marked on a single piece of duct tape. Room 117 at the Holiday Inn. Classy. As I slid my keycard into the slot, it reminded me of my first coaching job. I was a bright-eyed, naive 23-year old who really had no business being a head coach, even at a small state school like Stephen F. Austin.

But life isn't always about what you know, but who you know. The athletic director had been my dad's childhood best friend. Growing up, he would always challenge me to a game of HORSE, which he would usually win. As the loser, I'd have to wash his car or mow his yard.

So, after graduating from Texas A&M and not being good enough to make the transition to the NBA, I called him. All I really wanted was an assistant coaching position somewhere, anywhere. He would surely know somebody who was hiring. He made a few phone calls. Nothing.

The next few months passed slowly. Friends from college moved away, to New York, LA, and Chicago. I avoided their phone calls, couldn't handle their stories of success in the corporate world. What would I have to share with them.

The phone rang, wakening me from a fitful night of sleep. I groaned and rolled over. Five minutes later, it rang again. By the time I located the phone under empty pizza boxes and dirty clothes it was too late.

I tossed the phone on the bed, turned the television on and went to take a shower. The water was cold. Times were tough, and my water heater had quit working the week before. I could either have hot showers or eat. I chose to eat.

Cold showers tend to make you get finished quicker, and in 3 minutes, I was climbing out of the shower. Dried off. Brushed my teeth. Looked for some clean underwear.

The television show caught my attention. The news was on, but it was too early for news. An out of breath reporter. A van rolled over. Last game of the season. Returning home. Serious injuries. Several unconfirmed deaths.

It took a moment for it all to connect. Then, my heart sank. Oh God. I reached for the phone and called my dad.

"Hey, just saw it. Is he... was he..." I couldn't finish.

No he wasn't. He had stayed behind to play golf with a friend. Dad had talked to him earlier, and he was ok, but shaken badly.

Another phone call. Voice mail. "Charles, it's me. Saw the news. So sorry. Don't really know what... Call me if I can do anything."

The rest of the day was surreal. News came in slowly, always worse than before. The entire coaching staff had died. Several players also. Those who lived had serious injuries.

Too much sorrow for kids with their lives in front of them. A university reeling with grief for their beloved basketball team. Memorial service after memorial service, funeral after funeral.

The weeks passed, and despite your best intentions life goes on, and the grief you feel for unknown people fades away. Those kids had been just like me just a few months ago. Playing the game you love in front of fans, is there any feeling greater than that?

Life has a way of finding the ruts. Odd jobs to pay the bills. Basketball lessons for disinterested kids with overzealous parents desperate to live vicariously. I even considered a paper route.

Then the doorbell rang. I peaked through the peephole, trying not to reveal that I was there. Probably creditors. Or a roach I'd locked out, wanting back in. I couldn't see the face, but I knew who it was. How many hours had I spent listening and talking basketball with my 'uncle'?

I opened the door.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

Mumbled answers. Basketball lessons. Odd jobs. Couldn't make eye contact. I'd avoided people so I could avoid the questions I couldn't answer.

He's talking, and I'm feeling like a 9 year-old again. Scolding. Shame. A life wasting away. That's what set him off. Still feeling the pain of the tragedy that had ripped his world in half, he couldn't handle seeing someone waste their life.

"Want a job?"

Reality comes into focus. He's there because he cares. He's there because he has real burdens that he's carrying. He's there because my life is mired in mediocrity.

The next few minutes pass like a tornado. A job. Assistant? No. Equipment manager? No. He wants me to be the head coach. I almost laugh in his face. He's serious.

He'd been interviewing for weeks. Nobody wanted the job. Essentially starting from scratch at a small state school in a football state. No coach wanted to risk being labeled a loser.

For some strange reason, I said, "I'll do it." What the hell did I have to lose anyway. Anyone who knew me probably thought I was a loser anyway.

The drive from my College Station apartment to Nacogdoches was long. Very long. Right hand turn into the parking lot by the athletic offices. Stretched and yawned as I got out, thinking how sad it is when all your worldly possessions fit in the back of your 1995 SUV.

The receptionist stares at me as I walk. I'm obviously the outsider here, not wanted. She points down the hallway, not saying a word. I catch her name from her desk. Down the hall. Football. Baseball. Track. Tennis. Around the corner. Water fountain. Restrooms. Men's Basketball. Room 117. Written on a piece of duct tape.

[Cap Ologist]

The door creaks as I open it. It's lopsided, a hinge needs to be tightened. A desk and computer. A chair. A beatup couch that's actually nicer than the one I left behind in College Station. A television with rabbit ears in the corner. Put the box on the desk. Just a few things I brought that I might actually need.

Fifteen minutes later, all is put away. It's 6:00 p.m., the outer offices are silent. I make a list of things to do tomorrow. Coaches. Scheduling. Find the gym.

Dinner is pizza. I'm new in town. Press conference tomorrow. Might make the news simply because it's another chapter in the tragedy. School moving forward, hires loser who cuts lawns. Inspiring. Hollywood will be clamoring for the movie rights I'm sure.

Get to the office early. Coffee started. Doughnuts in the workroom. Spent the last $8 dollars I had on my way to work. Press conference is at 10:00 am. Five hours away.

Coaches. Where the hell am I going to find guys who want to come here. If nobody wanted to be the head coach, who will come to be an overworked, underpaid assistant coach.

7 am. Still no answers. The silence is maddening, so I flip on the t.v. Static, but some human contact, even limited is better than anything right now. Crappy local morning news show. Weather reports. Car wreck. Home burglary. Local junior high marching...

I sit up. Screw the college good ol' boy network. Screw them if they don't want to come here. There are plenty of coaches who want into the network. I was one just a few days ago.

Fire up the computer. Google will be my friend. Tons of small towns with ambitious coaches wanting to get their foot in the door.

I find one who seems like a good fit right away. David Lucas, head basketball coach at a small town 20 minutes away. Three state titles in four years. Teams were known for their defense, he's 33. He knows his window of opportunity is closing.

David Gwinn. Name sounds familiar. Oh, yes. He worked in the athletic department at A&M when I was there. Knows everybody in the college world. Professional asskisser. Can shmooze anyone, anywhere.

Justin Appel. Former junior college coach. Always had good talent on his team, just didn't understand strategy very well.

Takes me 30 minutes to track down phone numbers. I call. They listen. They'll think about it, let me know. I feel rejection is coming. Uncle stops in. Have you seen the gym?

We walk and talk. It's a helluva situation. School almost decided to fold the basketball team. Not much financial support. The gym is bad. The weight room is even worse. I don't even dare go into the locker rooms.

As we leave the gym, two janitors are entering. Thank god. I was afraid I'd be in here cleaning up. Broken English. Thank you. We head back to the office.

Other staff trickle in. Again, I feel like I'm the invader. This is obvioulsy a tight-knit group, and I'm on the outside looking in. Press conference at 10:00, done by 10:15. Eight people were there. Only 3 of them didn't work for the university.

Back to the office. Another round of phone calls. Just checking in, see what you're thinking. David Lucas accepts. Finally, something positive. He's a defensive genius. Gwinn needs me to make him feel important. You're the only one, tough challenge. You're the best. His ego is stoked sufficiently, and he's on board. Appel is hesitant. He's making good money selling cars for his father-in-law. Wife is happy. I can tell he wants it. His competitive fire is still burning. I tell him I understand that's it's a big challenge. I thought he was up to it. Sorry to bother you, sorry to waste your time.

He calls back 5 minutes later. He's in. And we're set. I'm making 35,000 a year. I feel rich. Hell, I am rich compared to last week. Each of my assistants are making 32,500. But they're in the game. Sitting on the bench, coaching your favorite game in front of fans. Can there be any greater feeling.

Scheduling. For some reason, the schedule for the following season is unfinished. Our first conference game is early. December 6 at Southeastern Louisiana. I'd like to get our 7 games scheduled before that one. With no recruited talent and all walkons, this year is going to be tough. I want easy teams to play. Don't want to go all season without a win.

Savannah State, at Lipscomb, at IPFW, at Gardner Webb, at UC Riverside, at Morris Brown, Birmingham Southern, Binghamton. Maybe if we're lucky we can win one.

[Cap Ologist]

The summer months flew by. Tryouts and coaching. Watching tape. We put together a patchwork roster, but that's about all it is. For their sake, I hope they don't get embarassed this year.

July hits and it's time to start recruiting. It's going to be an uphill battle. The coaches and I agree we have to find ways to score easily. Defense and fast breaks might help us sneak a win or two.

We hit the road on the recruiting trail. Looking for defenders first. We tried to stay local as much as possible, but there weren't many players in Texas who were interested in us.

November 1 came. We waited by the phone and fax machine. At 4:45 pm, the fax machine came to life. The official commitment papers for Wade Clyde, a center from Missouri. Clyde was a 6'11", 295 pound center. We hoped he would clog the lane up for us.

We had hoped for more commitments before players could see we didn't know what the hell we were doing. But with training camp right around the corner, we didn't have time to be melancholy.

The first month of my first season was horrible. We lost our home opener, then hit the road for a five game road trip. We returned 1-5ith two home games before the conference opener. The fans turned out, and we somehow won them both.

  Date      Opponent                              Result         Record        
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  11/16/03  Savannah State (1-3)                  L 56-48        0-1           
  11/18/03  at Lipscomb (1-3)                     W 62-60        1-1           
  11/20/03  at IPFW (2-3)                         L 61-38        1-2           
  11/22/03  at Gardner Webb (1-2)                 L 60-42        1-3           
  11/24/03  at UC Riverside (2-1)                 L 74-64        1-4           
  11/26/03  at Morris Brown (2-3)                 L 66-60        1-5           
  11/28/03  Birmingham Southern (0-4)             W 59-51        2-5           
  11/30/03  Binghamton (1-2)                      W 61-33        3-5  

December brought good news and bad. Two players turned down our scholarship offers, but we were able to sign a PG from Oklahoma, Winston Jordan.

We worked the phones, trying to find anyone who would talk to us. Anyone who knew how to spell defense. Those were some of the roughest times I'd ever faced. Phone call after phone call. Not interested, thanks. Good luck. Same to you.

We were 3-5 heading into conference play, and to be honest, that was 3 wins more than I had been expecting.

December was pure hell. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I hate losing. And that's what we were doing. Recruiting was difficult.

  Date      Opponent                              Result         Record        
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
  12/06/03  at Southeastern Louisiana (3-8)       L 66-47        3-6 (0-1)     
  12/11/03  Texas-San Antonio (9-3)               L 77-50        3-7 (0-2)     
  12/25/03  at Texas State (6-5)                  L 62-42        3-8 (0-3)   

January 1 rolled around. As I was leaving the office for our game against Lamar, the phone rang and PF Mark Brooks was coming to play for us next season. Brooks was from London, and though he wasn't a great defender, he did have some offensive game which was looking appealing right now.

The good feeling I had as I went to the gym was soon replaced with another loss. I've always been hard on myself. I know I shouldn't take these losses personally. But I did. And it was eating me up inside. I remarked to the other coaches, "At least next year, we'll have these recruits."

They looked at me like I was the biggest idiot they'd ever seen. "Coach, you gotta redshirt them. Nobody expects us to win, we gotta take our time and develop them. Throw 'em out there before they're ready, and you might get another win or two. Let 'em sit and develop."

They were right. I wondered if I was cut out for this.

[Cap Ologist]

Mercifully, January finally ended.

  Date      Opponent                              Result         Record        
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------     
  01/01/04  Lamar (11-8)                          L 60-52        3-9 (0-4)     
  01/10/04  Nicholls State (9-10)                 L 67-57        3-10 (0-5)    
  01/17/04  at Texas-Arlington (8-11)             L 77-37        3-11 (0-6)    
  01/22/04  McNeese State (14-5)                  L 84-43        3-12 (0-7)    
  01/24/04  Sam Houston (12-6)                    L 74-43        3-13 (0-8)    
  01/29/04  at Lamar (11-8)                       L 58-48        3-14 (0-9)    
  01/31/04  at Texas-San Antonio (13-6)           L 80-62        3-15 (0-10)

Another recruit signed on, another point guard, Dai Windle. Gwinn found him somewhere. At least now, we could focus all our energy on the remaining games. Our first class was signed.

 Name                 Pos   Ht    Wt  Pts   Reb  Ast  Stl  Blk   TO
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Wade Clyde          C    6'11"  291  12.5  6.5  0.6  1.0  2.1  2.4
 Mark Brooks         PF   6' 8"  241  10.7  8.7  1.6  2.3  4.7  2.8
 Winston Jordon      PG   6' 0"  171  16.3  3.1  3.4  1.5  0.0  2.1
 Dai Windle          PG   5'11"  160  14.1  2.8  2.8  2.6  0.6  2.0

We had 10 games left in this season, and I was determined to enjoy them all. That proved easier said than done. We showed promise, and I paused to think about the journey to that point. It would have been a nice story for us to come in and win, to win it for the team, the school, for all those who suffered. But real life doesn't concern itself with nice stories.

  Date      Opponent                              Result         Record        
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  02/03/04  Louisiana-Monroe (14-12)              W 63-55        4-15 (1-10)   
  02/05/04  at Louisiana-Monroe (14-12)           L 72-50        4-16 (1-11)   
  02/07/04  at McNeese State (20-6)               L 67-63        4-17 (1-12)   
  02/12/04  Texas State (14-12)                   L 65-51        4-18 (1-13)   
  02/14/04  Texas-Arlington (14-12)               L 87-61        4-19 (1-14)   
  02/19/04  at Nicholls State (13-13)             L 69-52        4-20 (1-15)   
  02/21/04  at Northwestern State (7-19)          W 72-46        5-20 (2-15)   
  02/26/04  Northwestern State (7-19)             W 46-35        6-20 (3-15)  

Another 3 wins made life more enjoyable. And we looked forward to March and our last 2 games of the season. We lost by 14 at Sam Houston which was a small victory after they beat us by 31 at our place earlier in the season.

  Date      Opponent                              Result         Record        
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------   
  03/04/04  at Sam Houston (20-8)                 L 75-61        6-21 (3-16)   
  03/06/04  Southeastern Louisiana (10-18)        L 57-40        6-22 (3-17)   

On March 7, I was at the airport, heading for Ireland. There was a pub there somewhere calling my name.

[Cap Ologist]

I spent several weeks there, not wanting to come home til the basketball season was over. Arizona would win over Texas. I bummed around, going from village to village. Finally, it was time to return to the states.

The flight from Dublin to Boston was uneventful. I had an hour to kill so I grabbed a beer and a burger. That was when I saw her. She walked through the airport with purpose. I was mesmerized as she walked past and sat a few tables away.

She was quite simply the most attractive woman I'd ever seen, and I was thankful that I had actually picked out clothes that matched that morning. She ordered a drink and began reading a newspaper. She wore black rimmed glasses and they fit her. Her reddish-brown hair was pulled back in a simple ponytail.

The time flew by and I had to board my plane. She didn't even glance up at me as I walked past. Disappointing.

I landed at DFW and drove back to Nacogdoches. I was tired from the flight, but I was ready to get back to work. The trip had been just what the doctor ordered.

I went to the office first, into my office, 117, still numbered on a piece of ducttape. On my desk was a note from David Gwinn. Our recruiting class had been ranked #95 by FBCB News, the highest in our conference. I smiled, turned the light out, and went home to crash.

 2003 Recruiting Rankings

 #    Team                     Best Player                Rating
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 95.  Stephen F. Austin        PG Winston Jordon          ***
 143. Sam Houston              PG Cameron Coss            ***
 159. Southeastern Louisiana   SF Dana Salvatore          **
 201. Lamar                    SG Jerry Wills             **
 207. Texas-San Antonio        SG David Sattler           **
 208. Texas-Arlington          C  Caron Samuelson         **
 213. Texas State              C  Jordan Corley           **
 217. McNeese State            PG Quintin Ange            **
 246. Northwestern State       SF Eugenio Croft           *
 279. Nicholls State           SF Chris Cathcart          *
 309. Louisiana-Monroe           

[Cap Ologist]

Fortunately for me, no other school was interested in my assistants. Although they weren't the best at what they did, they worked hard, they got along with each other and they were the kind of guys you want to have a drink with after a tough loss.

This next season was going to be tough, but if we could get through it, we could get through anything. We were going to redshirt our freshmen recruits. The program was more important right now than anything else. They had been right, and again I was thankful they had decided to come here with me.

We send out schedule requests again to several of the same schools as the previous year. Maybe we can squeak out a few more wins.

Recruiting seems slightly easier this time around. Maybe it's because I've got a year under my belt and don't take rejection as personally.

It's another long and grueling season. We're shorthanded in talent and bodies. But we're overjoyed with the progress our redshirts are making.

  Date      Opponent                              Result         Record        
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  11/14/04  at Lipscomb (6-22)                    W 61-46        1-0           
  11/16/04  at IPFW (9-19)                        L 71-49        1-1           
  11/18/04  at Savannah State (3-26)              W 57-55        2-1           
  11/20/04  at Prairie View A&M (11-21)           L 59-42        2-2           
  11/22/04  at Morgan State (10-19)               L 41-32        2-3           
  11/24/04  UC Riverside (9-20)                   L 51-43        2-4           
  12/04/04  at Southeastern Louisiana (6-23)      L 76-51        2-5 (0-1)     
  12/09/04  Texas-San Antonio (18-11)             L 65-52        2-6 (0-2)     
  12/11/04  Texas-Arlington (11-17)               L 55-25        2-7 (0-3)     
  12/23/04  at Texas-San Antonio (18-11)          L 53-49        2-8 (0-4)     
  12/25/04  at Texas State (14-14)                L 75-39        2-9 (0-5)     
  12/30/04  Sam Houston (17-13)                   L 72-46        2-10 (0-6)    
  01/06/05  Louisiana-Monroe (14-15)              L 60-57        2-11 (0-7)    
  01/20/05  at Texas-Arlington (11-17)            L 80-44        2-12 (0-8)    
  01/22/05  at Lamar (14-15)                      L 80-34        2-13 (0-9)    
  01/27/05  Nicholls State (17-14)                L 87-55        2-14 (0-10)   
  02/01/05  Northwestern State (11-17)            L 53-45        2-15 (0-11)   
  02/03/05  at Louisiana-Monroe (14-15)           L 64-36        2-16 (0-12)   
  02/05/05  Texas A&M-Corpus Christi (8-20)       W 50-42        3-16          
  02/07/05  at Morris Brown (11-18)               L 62-30        3-17          
  02/10/05  at McNeese State (22-9)               L 60-36        3-18 (0-13)   
  02/12/05  at Nicholls State (17-14)             L 61-39        3-19 (0-14)   
  02/17/05  Texas State (14-14)                   L 49-43        3-20 (0-15)   
  02/19/05  Southeastern Louisiana (6-23)         L 67-48        3-21 (0-16)   
  02/24/05  at Northwestern State (11-17)         L 66-62        3-22 (0-17)   
  02/26/05  Lamar (14-15)                         W 52-42        4-22 (1-17)   
  03/03/05  McNeese State (22-9)                  L 84-54        4-23 (1-18)   
  03/05/05  at Sam Houston (17-13)                L 70-41        4-24 (1-19) 

We land two recruits:

Team Recruiting: Call List

 Name                 Pos   Ht    Wt  Pts   Reb  Ast  Stl  Blk   TO
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Tony Grant          SF   6' 7"  218   7.7  6.0  1.3  0.2  0.7  3.2
 Daniel Mikesell     SG   6' 4"  197  10.6  4.8  2.2  3.9  1.6  3.6

I'm on a plane four hours after the season is over. I don't care that Oklahoma State wins the championship. I just need to get away.

[Cap Ologist]

I end up in New York. Weird place to go when you want to get away. But my colllege roommate, Morriss, lives there, and so I find myself in the Big Apple to unwind. Caught a few shows, walked the streets. Didn't think about basketball.

Morriss works on Wall Street. To say he's done well would be an understatement. I think about the differences in our lives. Plush apartment, big city, potential to make more money than I could possibly imagine. Shabby apartment, small town in the backwoods of Texas, just hoping to stick around long enough to get the job done.

Central Park is a few blocks away, and I find myself there most afternoons. My last day in the city, I meet Morriss at his office for lunch. Another receptionist staring at me like I don't belong. I'm dreadfully underdressed, just jeans and a t-shirt, and her look tells me not to even think about sitting. He's in a meeting, be a few minutes.

I stand as nonchalantly as possible. Once again, I'm reminded that I'm a nobody in a somebody world. Morriss' voice comes down the hallway. I turn and catch a glimpse of reddish brown hair passing behind Morriss. He's ready. I'm intrigued. Something about the walk, the hair brought back memories.

It takes a second, then I place it. The girl in the airport. Her hair had been the same color. For a moment, I kicked myself again for not going to her table. The pickings in Nacogdoches were slim, and I definitely wouldn't be on the most eligible bachelor list anyway. Who wants to date an overwhelmed basketball coach?

We grab lunch, say good-bye, promise to keep in touch better. Cab ride to the airport. Baggage check, security, boarding. A few hours to myself before I get back to Texas.

I smile to myself as I drift off to sleep, thinking that at least this year, I'll have four guys on the court that I recruited.

Bump. The wheels touch down. Another long drive back to Nacogdoches. Stop by the office, put a few things away. On my desk is a note, #123 recruiting class, once again tops in our conference. The future is looking slightly less grim.

[Cap Ologist]

2005 would mark the first season we get to put recruited players on the court. Our four freshmen would start and be the core of what we wanted to build in the coming seasons. Another creampuff schedule hopefully followed by a competitive conference run.

We go 12-16, 8-12 in conference play. A big turnaround from the last 2 seasons. Our recruiting class looks solid, but we lost out on a couple of guys late, and had to scramble to find bodies. That could affect our national rating.

 Name                 Pos   Ht    Wt  Pts   Reb  Ast  Stl  Blk   TO
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Sebastian Perez     C    6'10"  237  15.3  9.7  1.3  1.1  1.8  2.5
 Ellis Deltoro       SG   6' 5"  189  10.7  3.7  1.7  2.7  1.1  3.8
 David Hunter        SG   6' 1"  178   4.7  3.5  1.0  4.1  0.6  3.2

Our four freshman played well, and with 3 redshirts joining them, we look like we're headed in the right direction. I wait a day after the season is over before I get on a plane. I'm on a beach in the Caribbean when I hear that Syracuse wins the title.

[Cap Ologist]

Life on the beach was great. A couple of hours soaking in the rays. A couple hours out on a boat. Parties at night. Unfortunately, it came to an end to soon.

I ended up getting to the airport late, and had to run to the gate to catch my plane. Threw my bag in the overhead compartment and sat down in one of the last few empty seats in the back.

I open the paper and wait for takeoff. Something catches my eye and I glance up just in time to see a rather attractive woman putting her bag in the overhead compartment. Her reddish-brown hair is pulled back in a ponytail, and I'm about 80% sure she's the same woman I'd seen several years before.

I've lost interest in my paper, the plane ride is short, and I'm running through my options. I'm determined to talk to her this time, but what do I say. About halfway through the flight, she gets up to get a book out of her bag. We make eye-contact for a split second before she looks away.

She's ahead of me getting off the plane, both headed to claim our luggage in DFW. The carousel goes round, my bags come quickly for once. Just like the airlines to never be helpful.

I grab them and walk outside to catch a cab to my friends house where I left my car. For once, I find a cab. Fate it seems is determined to be cruel. As I load my bags and climb in, I see her exiting the airport. Walks purposefully to a car. Door opens. Off she goes.

I resist the urge to tell the cabbie to follow that car. Long drive back to Nacogdoches, cursing myself for not doing something. Another quick stop at the office, souvenirs for the staff, grab mail and messages. 169th recruiting class, 3rd in the conference. I can live with that for now.

My staff remains intact for another season, and we put together another cream puff schedule. We request more money for the season, and the board finds us another 19k to use. It doesn't sound like much, but it will help immensely with recruiting. Our budget will increase from 6.75k a month to almost 8.5k. We also get approval for some renovations to the training facilities.

I'm hurting myself in recruiting, being too ambitious in my attempts. Patience has never been a virtue for me, but I must try to be more realistic. We get a couple of early signees, lose a few, and then scramble to fill in holes.

 Name                 Pos   Ht    Wt  Pts   Reb  Ast  Stl  Blk   TO
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Dex Churchill       C    6'10"  206   9.3  6.0  1.0  0.3  2.9  1.8
 Williams Urena      PF   6' 8"  211  10.2  8.2  0.8  0.9  1.9  3.0
 Rashad Fiore        PG   5'10"  152   6.0  2.3  2.2  1.7  0.4  3.0
 Urbain Ghesquier    PG   6' 2"  188   5.0  4.6  3.1  3.3  0.2  2.6

The season goes well, and people are starting to recognize me around town. We finish with our first winning season and 2nd overall in our conference.

                                CW  CL   Pct   W   L   Pct
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Sam Houston                    15   5  .750  18  10  .643
 Stephen F. Austin              13   7  .650  17  11  .607
 McNeese State                  11   9  .550  15  13  .536
 Texas-Arlington                11   9  .550  14  14  .500
 Texas State                    11   9  .550  14  14  .500
 Nicholls State                 10  10  .500  13  15  .464
 Texas-San Antonio              10  10  .500  12  16  .429
 Southeastern Louisiana          9  11  .450  12  18  .400
 Lamar                           8  12  .400  10  18  .357
 Northwestern State              7  13  .350  10  18  .357
 Louisiana-Monroe                5  15  .250  10  18  .357

We're invited to our conference tourney under my watch and earn a bye as the 2nd seed.

We play Nicholls State who we split with during the regular season. We make a late run in the game and come back to win by 3. Now, we'll face regular season champ Sam Houston, our nemesis. We stole a game at their place, they returned the favor a week later by running us out of our gym by 31 points. Not sure what to expect. We play horribly, and they win by 28.

A disappointing way to end the season for sure, but we've turned the corner and I think we'll be a force to be reckoned with next season. I decide to stay in the country, and even attend the Final Four where Kentucky wins the title. I won my first Southland Conference Coach of the Year award, and it's nice to get some recognition after these last few lean years.

[Young Drachma]

Nice start to this. Really nice work.

[Cap Ologist]

The Southland Conference Awards Ceremony took place in Dallas. It was a nicer way to arrive in Dallas than in previous years. While I was there, I received news that we'd signed the #122 class and 2nd best in our conference this season. We were obviously heading in the right direction, if I only I could contain my aggressiveness.

I said a few words at the ceremony, then attended the reception afterwards. Coaches and ADs were finally letting me into their circle, and it was about damn time. I felt like a couple of the ADs were sizing me up, mentally adding me to their list in case they needed a new coach in the future. After guiding a weak program through some difficult times, we were winners now. And America always loves a winner.

As I was making my way out of the reception hall, David Gwinn called me over to come meet some people. He always was schmoozing someone, and I hoped whoever it was had a 7'0 kid. He introduced me to Thomas Pendleton, a booster and alum of SFA. Mr. Pendleton had donated funds for more renovations for our training facilities. That was always good news to hear. We talked for a few minutes, then I made my good byes.

Checked into a hotel in downtown Dallas, Do Not Disturb on the door, soft sheets and a softer pillow. I'm out in minutes, ready to get back to work.

This season would be different. We were an incredibly young team. My original recruiting class were juniors this season. Every player on the team was someone I recruited, and because we had no seniors, I had no scholarships to offer. I guess I should have stuck to recruiting 3 players a year. Live and learn.

Next morning, it's time to hit the road back to Nacogdoches. We're opening our new training facilities this week, and we're having a little ceremony. Couple of key boosters will be there, hopefully with deep pockets.

The new facilities take us from a rating of 5 to 11, and from 11th best to 10th in the conference, still a long way away. David Gwinn is in his element, plenty of asses to kiss. I've never been big on social functions, but it's part of the job.

I'm getting another drink when I hear a voice from behind, "Coach!" I turn around to see Mr. Pendleton approaching. He and I made small talk, how is the season going to go, how are the players developing, grades ok? He drifted off to go meet his daughter, and I just wanted to enjoy the scene.

I had a small speaking part, thanking them for their support, promising good things in the future, made a few jokes when all of a sudden I stopped short. In the back of the room, talking to Mr. Pocklington, was a girl. Not just any girl. The girl that I had almost met in the airport. The girl that I told myself I needed to get over since I'd never spoken to her.

I try to recover, but I'm distracted. My joke flops badly. Luckily David Gwinn comes to my rescue. He always knows what to say, and a bad situation is smoothed over. The party is ending and I drift in the direction of Mr. Pendleton and his daughter. I feel like a middle school kid again.

My confidence and courage have vanished. Luckily Mr. Pendleton brings his daughter over to meet me. It's all I can do to greet her. She's a doctor in Dallas, just graduated from med school. And instanlty my heart sinks. She is way out of my league. I'm a coach at a small college, socially awkward, and quite poor comparatively.

It's time to go. We walk out to the parking lot, they get in their Lexus, I walk to my 1995 SUV. The same car that carried me and all my worldly possessions to Nacogdoches.

[Cap Ologist]

October comes and since there's not much to do since we don't have scholarships, the staff and I decide to go to Vegas for a few days. Play some poker, play some slots, kick back and get ready for what we hope will be an even better season.

We do pretty good, make more than we lose. Hopefully a sign for the season to come. I'm wandering around when I hear someone call my name. I know the voice. In a million years I will never forget the angelic voice of Desirae Pendleton.

She's in town with friends, doing the same thing we are. Same hotel, they'll be there 2 days longer than we will. Doctors can afford that I guess. We share a few uncomfortable moments of small talk. Then I say good-bye, not wanting to, but wanting to leave before I embarass myself.

Another airport, another long flight, another long drive back to Nacogdoches.

The season starts soon. We go 5-3 through non-conference play. On December 31, we're 3-0 in conference including a 12 point road win over Sam Houston. We go 4-1 in January, including a home win against Sam Houston. We're in the driver's seat the rest of the way. February brought more wins, we go 9-1 with a 4 point loss on the road at Louisiana-Monroe, but more importantly February brought the Pendletons to Nacogdoches.

They were there for a couple of hours, touring the renovations. A quick lunch at a restaurant close to campus. I'm trying to find out all I can about this girl without coming on too strong. She's out of my league, and I know it, but I can't get her out of my mind.

Lunch flies by, time for them to go. They'll be back maybe, if not at the conference tourney. Sounds good, see ya there.

We win our first regular season conference championship, earn a bye and face Northwestern State who we beat soundly both times this season. The game is tight, and we pull out a 1 point win. We'll face Texas-San Antonio, the number 2 seed. We get outplayed and lose by 31.

After the game, I see Desirae. She looks great like always. It was hard to be happy after such a disappointing game, but I was. Just being around her had that affect on me. The staff and I go out for dinner, knowing our chance at the NCAA's just slipped away. All we can do is hope that we can get into the NIT.

We did. We made our first postseason appearance in the NIT as the #6 seed. We'll play Louisville, who went 18-12 in the regular season. We play tight and never get going and lose by 15.

Another season comes to an end as North Carolina wins the title. I win another Coach of the Year award, but I'm disappointed in how we finished the season. We're young, but I didn't expect us to be overwhelmed like we were.

[Cap Ologist]

A few weeks later, we unveiled the Pendleton financed renovations. I changed my shirt five times that morning getting ready. This improvement would raise us from an 11 to 21, and to the 7th best facility in the conference. Our national prestige goes up 7 points to 15, 6 above where it was when I took over.

There are rumors that other boosters are interested in donating, time will tell. I don't care at that moment, I just want to see Desirae again. I'm scanning the crowd at the ceremony but I don't see her. Thirty minutes later, I'm convinced she's not coming. She's probably on another trip with friends, friends that are in her league.

The ceremony finally ends, and I head to my favorite bar. It's hard to go out now, people recognize me in this small town. It took several months to find this bar. Nobody here cares, and I like that. Tonight I just want to be by myself.

I wake up the next morning grumpy and hungover. The phone is ringing. Good news. Another booster wants to donate money for facilities and recruiting. Our first class is graduating, so we'll be recruiting 3 players.

We get two recruits to sign in November, and we're the top choice for our 3rd guy. Hopefully we can steal him next month.

We open the season with a 14 point win and head to Long Island for our second game. Eat lunch with Morriss, he just made partner, doing well. Trophy wife, country club membership, company car. A 26 point victory later, and as we're boarding the bus for the ride to the airport, the favorite daughter of our favorite booster walks up.

She'd moved to New York, working at a hospital in the inner city. Admirable, but I'd rather admire it in someone else, not her. We chat as the players board, and spontaneously I say, "I'm gonna be back here in a few weeks, wanna grab dinner or something?"

Sure, she'll pick the place. Now all I gotta do is find a reason to come back.

We roll through the nonconference part and enter December 8-0. More good news comes. Our 3rd recruit signs his commitment forms. We have 1 scholarship left, but we're gonna save it, not sure how missing a year of recruiting is going to playout down the road.

We have a brief break in the schedule. Another long drive to Dallas, another flight. We meet at an Italian restaurant close to where she lives. She talks about her work, and the passion for what she is doing burns brightly in her eyes. I'm captivated. I don't want lunch to end.

Time to go. Goodbye. How much longer... Another day. Luckily she never asks what I'm doing in town. We decide to meet for breakfast in the morning. I can't sleep. The minutes pass slowly. Finally I get up at 4 am and go for a jog. Come back, shower, watch t.v., doze until the alarm sounds.

Breakfast downstairs in the hotel restaurant. We linger over coffee, finally I have to go. I'm startled when she gives me a quick hug and wishes me luck. I wish her good luck, then realize how stupid that sounds. She grins and her eyes sparkle.

A cabride, another flight and yet another long drive to Nacodoches. I wrestle with my mind the whole way there, trying to get it out of New York and back in Texas. Conference play is just around the corner, must stay focused.

December doesn't go as smoothly. Minor injuries pile up, we stumble to 3-2 in conference, 3rd place. We briefly crack the top 25 before getting upset and fall back out. We've got to learn how to handle success.

We go 6-0 in January and are back on top in the conference, 17-2 overall. Life is good, would be better if New York were closer to Nacogdoches. Mr. Pendleton is a frequent visitor in the office, he's really buying into what we're doing here.

February finds us going 8-0, 25-2 overall and our second consecutive conference championship. There was a noticeable drop off in competition this season, a lot of parity with the rest of the league hovering around 500 in conference play. Hopefully, it'll be an easy path to the NCAAs.

We face Texas-San Antonio again, this time in the 2nd round instead of the conference championship. They're done from the previous season, but will still be tough. They have our number again, and pull the upset. We lose by 15. We make the NIT as a #3. Disappointing. We lose in the first round to Houston by 6 points.

Another Coach of the Year award. Another long offseason.

[Cap Ologist]

Our latest wave of renovations brings us up to a 34 rating, 6th best in the conference. Our national prestige increases to 22. Desirae is in town for a week. We meet for dinner...Go to Dallas for a day and tour the 6th Floor Museum...Catch a movie...Week flies by, and I volunteer to drive her to DFW. For once, I don't mind the long car trip.

Good-bye, good to see you again. Let's keep in touch. We both sense something is going on here. As she enters the airport, I'm overwhelmed with how far out of her league I am.

We sign the #93 overall class, #1 in our conference. The school finds funds for another improvement. Maybe a booster will kick in for more recruiting funds. My coaching has improved, I'm now 40 recruiting, 10 scouting, 20 offense, 70 defense.

With success comes change. David Gwinn leaves us. He'll be missed. Justin Appel leaves. We hire two new guys, and get ready for the upcoming recruiting season.

I make sure we schedule another road game at Long Island, with a couple day break afterwards. We're turned down for our increased budget request, we'll manage.

We lose our first two games and head to Long Island disappointed. We win big, and life is good. The team flies home, I stay on 'business'. Desirae has time off, and we spend as much time together as possible. Real life calls, and I have to return to Texas.

We go 5-3 through our non-conference schedule which is alarming. We drop our first conference game to our old nemesis, Sam Houston. We stay healthy and go 4-1, second place in the conference. Desirae is down for Christmas, and we go caroling together. Cheesy but fun.

We 4-2 in January, still in 2nd place in the conference. We're healthy as we head into February, hopefully we can make a strong push. Recruiting is done, we've signed 3 more players who look promising. Talk to Desirae a couple of times a week. She's coming to the conference tourney.

February restores order to our basketball world. We go 7-0 and clinch our 3rd straight regular season championship. We face Lamar in the 2nd round and win, advancing to the conference championship. Dinner after the game with Desirae, a long walk afterwards, a slow lingering good night.

We face Nicholls State in the championship. I want this game so badly. I want our chance to go the NCAAs. We blow the game open in the 2nd half and win by 26. And Desirae was there, cheering us on.

We find out the next day, we'll be the #14 seed in the South. We face #3 seed, Charlotte who is ranked #16 overall. Desirae can't be there, but she's watching in New York. We scratch and claw our way to a halftime tie, but they're too good and too deep for us. They wear us down and win by 20 points.

Despite ending the season with a loss, we're optimistic for the future. And I'm late for my flight to New York. Kentucky wins the title, and I'm sure they're glad they didn't have to play us.

I win my 4th consecutive Coach of the Year award. I need a bigger mantle.

[Cap Ologist]

Our team prestige rises again to 29. The new improvements boost our facilities to a 39 ranking, good for #3 in the conference. We landed the #101 recruiting class, once again tops in our conference. I've earned a 20 point coaching improvement, and I'm now 45 recruiting, 15 scouting, 25 offense, 75 defense. Two of my assistants want raises, and I'm not sure I'll be able to afford to give them the raises they want.

I'm contacted by two schools about their coaching vacancies, South Carolina State and Navy. Their budgets are slightly bigger, and although they are closer to New York, I'm not interested. The next week, I receive 3 more phone calls, Albany in New York, Rider in New Jersey and Central Florida. I reject Central Florida right away. Rider is just over an hour away, Albany is almost 3 hours. I'm tempted.

A sleepless night. I'm seriously considering taking the job at Rider. They play in a level 2 conference, which they won last year. Did I mention they're only a little over an hour away from Desirae? 1 am. 2 am. 3 am. I fall asleep sometime after 3 am.

I wake up and start packing my things. I'm heading north, following the girl I want to be with. Quick stop at the office. Tough conversation with the players, assistants and A.D. These 7 years here have been the most difficult and the most rewarding of my life, but it's time for me to move on. I came to this sleepy town not knowing what I was doing, and I leave here after 4 straight winning seasons.

I sell my old SUV and arrange for my few items to shipped North, and I catch the first flight to New York. I'm not sure if I'll miss Nacogdoches or my SUV more. I've spent so much time in both.

Coming off last season's conference championship, I'm expected to continue that. I'm worried a little bit, we might have to get worse before we get better as we transition to my kind of guys. Days are spent watching tape and reading scouting reports. Nights are spent in the city with Desirae.

Recruiting is tense. I don't have a feel about what level of athlete we can get. My gut tells me I'll either sign the best class of my career or it'll be the worst. As signing day approaches, I'm grumpy 90% of the day.

We get 2 of our top 3 to sign on the first day. I feel a load lifted from my shoulders, if we can get our 3rd guy, we'll be off and running. We open with a creampuff schedule, nobody over a prestige of four. We roll through November 7-2. The PG we want is playing hard to get, and doesn't sign.

December is painfully slow, only 2 games. We go 1-1. Not ideal, but we're still in the hunt. January brings good news, we get the PG we're after. Now, all attention can be focused on conference play, and of course Desirae. We went skiing over Christmas break for a week. Her dad says he might forgive me. In the future. I think he's joking. I hope so.

January is ugly. We go 2-8 and are sitting in last place. Did I make a mistake coming here? We go 500 in February and climb up 1 spot. At least we're not last.

Conference tournament time. Desirae takes time off to come. We win our first game and will face the #1 seed in the 2nd round. We lose by 9, and finish at 15-15 for the season.

Virginia wins the NCAAs, and I'm on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean with Desirae.

I get two voice mails while I'm in the Caribbean. The athletic department is providing an unsolicited facility upgrade and our recruiting class was ranked 95th overall. I was expecting a little higher, but I'm thinking I was hurt because I only used 3 of the 4 scholarships I had available. Our class is the 2nd best in the conference. Gotta improve on that next year.

[Cap Ologist]

The spring and summer passes quickly. I volunteered at the hospital that Desirae works at it. Passed out at the first sight of blood and hit my head on a table. Fourteen stitches later, I never want to see a hospital again.

The summers in New York make up for the crappy winters. It hits 85 degrees and people think we're in a heat wave. That's a cold front in Texas. Boosters are coming out of the woodwork, wanting to 'encourage' me for the next season. I wonder if I should remind them what my record was for the first 4 years at SFA. I don't, but I want to. We've still got a lot of work to do.

I spend all of June buried in my office, coming out only for showers and fast food. I miss my old staff, and wonder how they're doing. Think about calling, but there's another video to watch, another report to read, and somehow I have to find time to be with Desirae.

I emerge from my office in July with 3 guys that I really want. Two of them are incredible defensive players. They will lock down our opponents best perimeter players. The third is a scoring machine. Incredible range, soft touch, fundamentally sound. Several phones, a couple of trips to their hometowns and they all sign on National Signing Day. Hopefully that is a sign of respect and not that we were reaching.

Desirae and I slip away for a few days. Despite being just over an hour away, we haven't seen each other in 3 weeks. It's over way too soon, and we head back to our daily grind. November is here, training camp passes quickly. We go 8-2 through our nonconference schedule, hoping to improve on our disappointing conference play last year. We only have 1 conference game in December. And we lose it.

Desirae and I go to her parents for Christmas. It's nice and weird to be back in Nacogdoches. Her parents come back with us and spend a few days in New York. Touristy things abound, another trip to the Statue of Liberty, a visit to Wall Street, catch a few Broadway shows, snag tickets to be in the Letterman audience. It's fun and busy, which helps me from dwelling on our last loss too much. I'm afraid of another January like the one I had at SFA.

January does prove better this time around. After watching tape, we tweak our gameplan a little. We don't have the athletes for what we want to do, so we make some slight adjustments to our defense and offense. We go 5-2 in January and are in 2nd place. I can sleep a little bit better, but I'm always afraid that at any moment the glue that's holding this roster together is going to break, and we'll be exposed for

February doesn't give us the strong push we were looking for. We go 4-6 to go .500 in conference play, an improvement over last season. We have a bye for the first round, and will play St. Peter's, the 6th seed in round 2. They embarassed us both times we played, so we want this game badly. We win by 7, and advance to face 7th seed Manhattan, who also beat us both times we played them. We lose by 2 in a tight game. Our season comes to another disappointing end. Cincinatti wins the NCAA tourney. We look somewhere, anywhere for answers to improve next year.

[Cap Ologist]

I decided not to make my usual trip after the season. It seemed like a good idea at the time. By May, I was a world-class asshole to be around. The pressure to perform is starting to mount. I'm working 16-18 hours a day. Things with Desirae aren't good, we barely have time to see each other. She's working full-time in the ER, and then volunteers on weekends at a clinic. For some reason, that irritates me.

The first week of June, we don't talk to each other. Not really an intentional silence, I was just too busy to remember that she existed. After watching and rewatching every tape I can get my hands on, we decide to focus our recruiting efforts on bringing in more athletic defenders. We get two commitments on signing day. Once again a point guard is playing hard to get with us.

Desirae and I take a 4 day trip into the mountains. No television, no internet, no cell phones. Just me, my girl and a secluded cabin. It's great, and I wish we could stay here forever. On our last

We toughen up our nonconference schedule slightly. Our first recruiting class looks promising on the court. We go 9-1 in non-conference and lose our Hard-To-Get-PG to Georgia. We target another PG and hope for the best. Injuries ravage us, some nights it seems like we have more players in street clothes than in jerseys, and we limp through the conference season, 10-8, 3rd place again. We need a strong showing in the conference tourney to get these boosters off my back.

We beat Loyola-Maryland in the 2nd round by 37, and move on to face #2 seed Fairfield. They run us out of the gym, and we lose by 29. Disappointing to say the least. St. John's wins the title, and I wonder if I'll ever get to hoist that trophy.

Next season, we'll have 6 guys that we've recruited and we expect to win the conference. We sign the #99 recruiting class, still 2nd best in our conference. We just can't seem to catch Sienna in recruiting.

We go back to the cabin, this time for 3 weeks. I sleep for 18 hours the first day we're there. My body is drained, my brain feels like it is on strike, I don't want to think about anything or make a decision other than which way we should go on a walk.

[Cap Ologist]

The new season comes with high expectations. We get another facility upgrade, rating of 58, 3rd best in the conference. And we're on the hot seat because we're not competing for the conference championship. This could be our last season here. The athletics department steps up to the plate and provides extra funds for recruiting.

I'm refreshed and reenergized this year when we hit the recruiting trail, hoping we'll still be here when these players get to campus. Our targets sign in November and December as we move through our nonconference schedule with a 10-0 mark, but if we don't perform well the rest of the way, I'll be packing up. We're 12-0 and ranked #23 in the nation on New Years Eve.

At the end of January, we're 8-1 in conference play and in first place. We're healthy and I'm starting to feel good about the season. We finish conference play 14-4, first in our conference. We face Canisius in Round 2 and win by 10 and move on to face Fairfield. We win by 15 and will face Marist in the conference finals. We lose a heartbreaker by 3 points and miss out on our automatic bid to the NCAAs and have to settle for the #5 seed in the NIT. We lose to James Madison by 18 points.

On paper, we had a successful season. We signed the 106th rated class, once again 2nd best in our conference, but I'm getting tired of moral victories. I'm wanting more than this school can provide, and for the first time I contemplate leaving and moving to another school if it'll get me to the top faster. After I finish that thought, I realized that I never considered what I'd do if Desirae didn't want to move.

My phone rings with several job offers. None of them seems to be the situation I'm looking for. Three of the jobs are in the MAC, a level 3 conference. I decline them all.

[Cap Ologist]

Switzerland is beautiful. We rent a place for a couple of weeks and I try to relax and enjoy it. But I can't. Something in me is stirring. I don't know what I want out of life anymore. When I first started coaching, it was a thrill just to be coaching, even when we lost. But now, I barely enjoy the victories, and agonize over the losses. I feel like I age 5 years every season, and I'm unexplainably tense.

Part of me wonders what the future holds for Desirae and me. What if I find the right coaching job to take me one step closer to the top and she doesn't want to go? What if she goes and is miserable? I wrestle each day with these questions, and I know I'm being unusually quiet. Desirae senses it too, I'm sure, and I try my best to act normal. At night, she's sleeping peacefully, and I can tell you how many dots are on each ceiling tile in our room.

It's time to go home, and I'm feeling just as stressed as when we left. I'm tired and confused. Recruiting is a blur, my assistants carry the load. The tension in the office is thick enough to cut with a butter knife. I'm impatient and grouchy, and nobody can do anything that pleases me.

The season blows by in a whirl. Recruiting is over, and before I know it, it is January. We're 12-2, heading into conference play. We hit our stride, our defense is suffocating, and roll 17-1. With high hopes, we enter our conference tournament with our eyes on our first NCAA tournament appearance at Rider. We dominate our first two opponents, and then get upset in the championship game. I'm seething inside. We're the number 1 seed in the NIT and again we get upset in Round 3.

I don't eat or sleep for 2 days after that loss. Fortunately, Desirae is smart enough to leave me alone. I'm just looking for an outlet to release all the stress and tension that is building up inside me. I finally crash, and sleep. When I wake up, I have 7 voice mails on my cell. 7 schools want me, and if any of them seem promising, I'm packing.

Six of them are jokes. I don't want anything to do with them. The seventh is Western Kentucky, a member of the Sun Belt Conference, a level 3 school. They're on an upswing, and I hope they'll bring me one step closer to my ultimate goal. They offer the job and I accept. Then I have to figure out how to tell Desirae.

[Cap Ologist]

I'm having second thoughts. I never considered myself insecure, but I'm afraid I've rushed into this. There's going to be even more pressure at Western Kentucky than I ever faced at Rider. The girl of my dreams has shown no interest whatsoever in leaving New York City. She loves what she does, and although her job is in all actuality more stressful than mine, she's always the relaxed one. She handles life and death situations every day. I deal with wins and losses. Yet I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on me.

I meet her outside the hospital. No way in hell am I going back in there again. We walk silently back to her apartment, and over dinner, I tell her the news. She doesn't respond right away. The room is silent. For a long time. She swallows, takes her plate to the kitchen. Rinse and scrub. Dishwasher. The entire time, nothing but silence.

I'm feeling lower than low right now. I want her to say something, anything dammit. Yell at me. Do something. Finally, she walks back to the table and sits down. I reach out and hold her hand. She's not returning the grip. She says one word. OK.

I'm more confused than ever. Could she possibly be any more ambiguous? Ok what? Ok, she's coming with me? Ok, have a nice life, good luck. I want to scream these questions, but I don't know if I really want to know the answer.

A deep sigh. Her lips are drawn tightly together. She takes her glasses off and sets them on the table. Her mouth opens, and she says, "When do we move?"

I answer, "When we get back from our honeymoon." Before she knows what's going on, I'm down on one knee and I ask her to marry me.

[Cap Ologist]

We get married 3 weeks later in Switzerland. We fly our friends and family over, and then spend a week in Ireland. The place I was coming back from the first time I saw her.

Boxes and tape. Newspaper around fragile things. Quick garage sale. Finally, the movers have everything packed and loaded. Western Kentucky, our new home.

Quite a bit different than New York. Life seems slower, and I hope that feeling will last. My first day at work, I have no fewer than 31 boosters stop by and give me the "Give 'em hell" speech. By the end of the day, I'm working on a new set of ulcers.

Recruiting is more challenging. I'm afraid of wasting resources on talent that we have no chance of signing. My new staff and I quickly get our bearings, and in a few months we'll find out that we signed the 89th class in the nation, 3rd best in the conference.

The season, well, it didn't go as smoothly. The pressure to win the conference was overwhelming at time, and we tried our best to manage expectations. I hadn't had a losing season in 9 seasons, and I didn't want to experience one.

Marriage is one adjustment after another. Some adjustments are easy, others prove more challenging. Desirae quickly finds work at a local hospital, and we settle into our routines. I try to leave the office by five, but five soon becomes six which becomes seven.

The players we inherit have talent, but they don't like me. They dog it during practice, and I'm killing myself trying to motivate them. We struggle without an identity all season. They aren't willing to put in the work to be a great defensive team. If they want to play that game, we'll just find players who do want to play.

We finish 1 game over 500 on the season, and the fans aren't happy. The players have bitched in the local papers about what a tyrant I am. I was brought into to take this team to the next level, and instead we regressed from where they were the season before.

The season mercifully ends, and Desirae and I spend a month in Europe. We tour the battlefields of World War II. I walk on the beach my grandfather stormed on D-Day. It's an experience that I hope to never forget. Wins and losses aren't on the same scale as life and death.

I'm unusually optimistic heading into our 2nd season. Life has been put in perspective for me, and I want so badly to keep that perspective throughout the season. Desirae goes on the recruiting trail with me for the first time, and she loves it. She is our secret weapon. As a doctor, she knows how to put people at ease quickly, and I love just sitting back and watching her.

We improve to 17-12, but lose 2 more conference games than the previous year. The old feelings of tension, stress and failure keep creeping back in, and I feel powerless to stop them. Desirae suggests that I should go see someone. I dismiss the idea, and tell her I'll figure it out.

She responds, "How's that working for you so far?" and I have no answer. Another vacation, another pledge to not let the tail wag the dog. I try to convince myself that this time it'll be different, but even I'm not buying it.

[Cap Ologist]

Season three is here, and I slide right back into the daily grind. Meetings. Tapes. Scouting reports. ESPN does a quick feature on me. I think it's a good idea until it's over. Then the noose around my neck tightens even more. More visibility, sure, but more pressure.

Our first recruiting class will be playing key minutes for us. I'm counting on them to improve on last season. For the first time since I got here, I don't have a divided locker room to deal with. The team connects, and we go 23-9, 9-5 in conference. We get hot late, and hit our conference tournament redhot. We win our first conference tournament and more importantly the automatic seed in the NCAA tournament.

Our stay is short. We get bounced by 25 points. Two trips to the tourney, two first round losses. The quicksand is pressing all around me. I'm trapped, and feel myself sliding into darkness.

I've always enjoyed a good beer after a hard day at the office. One beer turns into 4, turns into 6, turns into... quite a problem. I need help, and I'm the only one who doesn't know it.

Desirae wants me to get help. I tell her I can stop anytime that I want, and give me another week then I'll stop. One week slides into two. I hit rockbottom hard and in a big way.

The rest of the year is a blur. Looking back, it's the only recruiting class I ever signed that I don't remember anything about. I'm sure they were great kids, from great families, but I was hurting too much. The season ended, and we board another plane.

I needed a change of scenery, and though I had grown to love the state of Kentucky, when LaSalle called and offered me a chance to coach in the Atlantic 10, I couldn't say no. Looking back, perhaps it would have been smarter to go to a smaller school, back to my roots. But I still wanted to hold that trophy in my hand, and that drove me forward.

The first two seasons were nightmares. I was hurting. I couldn't focus. I wanted the pain to go away. A few beers no longer did the trick. Valium did. By the end of my second season, I was a wreck. It was a weird feeling. You have fleeting rational moments where you know you're ruining your life, and those moments are soon chased away, replaced with a dull numbing feeling. Reality. Numbness. One after the other.

I thought I'd hit rock bottom in Kentucky, but I was wrong. I had managed to descend into the depths even further. I remember waking up on the kitchen floor, not remembering how I got there or how long I had been there. The moments of reality lasted long enough for me to call Morriss. The next thing I knew I was getting off a plane in Arizona, heading to a substance abuse treatment center.

30 days, I would emerge. Sober for the first time in 3 years, resolved not to waste away any more of my life. I returned to LaSalle, determined to no longer let the tail wag the dog.

[Cap Ologist]

My office was repainted while I was gone. It's the same color as a hotel hallway, taupe I think. They say it's supposed to be soothing. To be honest, I don't even remember what color the walls were before. And if the office didn't smell like fresh paint, I probably wouldn't have noticed the change.

We have four scholarships available, and I decide to look for 1 JC player and 3 freshmen. We need talent now and down the road, and it seems like the best option to satisfy our immediate and future needs. We sign two bigs and 2 perimeter players. Recruiting was a breeze, and despite our poor showing on the court the previous two seasons, I'm hopeful that we turned the corner.

This season, we'll have our first wave of recruits hitting the floor, hungry, relentless defenders. Hopefully this will be the turning of the tide that shakes up the current power structure in the A-10.

We start the season off sluggish. Our starting center breaks his foot and is out for 54 days. The game after he returns to the starting lineup, our backup c/pf suffers a bulging disc and is out for 50 days. We're shorthanded. February 1 finds us 3-3 in conference play, 3 games out of first.

In our first game in February, our starting point guard breaks his leg and won't be back for 44 days. We limp through the rest of the season, win the first game of the conference tourney, lose the 2nd. Desirae and I are on a plane, heading to New Zealand 3 hours later, wondering what could have been if we could have just stayed healthy.

[Cap Ologist]

Thanks for the comments, Dark Cloud, didn't see them til late last night when I was doing some changes.

[Cap Ologist]

Fresh off the report that we've signed the 54th best class in the nation, 4th best in our conference, we hit the recruiting trail to get 2 big men. We target 2 guys, monsters defensively with some good inside game. Meanwhile, rumors are circulating that I'm on the hot seat. I ask the athletic director to guarantee that I'll be there next year, and he's noncommittal.

The pressure is on to perform on the court. For the first time in my coaching career, I'm contemplating not redshirting a freshman. We need help up front. We decide to wait and see where we are after the nonconference part of the schedule is over.

We go 11-1 through the cream, and are ranked #14 in the nation. I have a feeling a quick trip back to reality is going to be in order. We stumble the rest of the way. We're outmanned in the frontcourt, and teams just pound the ball inside.

The season ends, and so does my tenure at LaSalle.

[path12]

I really enjoyed this.

[Cap Ologist]

Thanks, path12.