Life advice - Wedding drama

grdawg · 06-10-2015, 04:19 PM

I don't post much, but this message board has been invaluable in the past when dealing with life issues so here goes again:

A really good friend of my wife got engaged in February and told us her wedding will probably be in Sept/Oct with Labor Day weekend a good possibility. She has known her for 20+ years. Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago and out of the blue my brother calls to tell me he got engaged and he was looking at Sept/Oct. We didn't really understand the urgency on their part to get married anyway. I immediately tell him about my wife's friends wedding. A few days later my wife's friend confirms that the wedding is Sunday of labor day weekend. I call my brother and tell him again that we can't do that day and that we will make any other day work. My wife sends his fiance an email as well. A week later my brother goes ahead and books that same day for his wedding and my wife get's a response back that they are OK if we don't come to their wedding, but that was the "only" day that would work for them. My wife is upset because she feels that it should matter to them that we are there and they picked the one day that we told them would be an issue. We told them we'd make any other day work and if it was on a different day of that weekend we could try to make both.

A little background - my brother is 5 1/2 years older and we are very different people and have had our issues. He and his ex wife caused a lot of drama at our wedding so there is already tension there.

My feeling is that it is one day and wouldn't be the end of the world to miss my brother's wedding and go to my wife's friends since we knew about it 1st and gave them ample notice. But I know I'll get guilt from my mom.

Both are in completely different states and we don't want to split up as we told them from the beginning that her friends is not close to an airport.

Thanks in advance for reading my drama

Chief Rum · 06-10-2015, 04:44 PM

Have you asked your brother why that was the only day which worked for them?

digamma · 06-10-2015, 04:51 PM

My advice: you are going to think about this way more than either of them will. Do what is best for you and your wife and go from there.

Swaggs · 06-10-2015, 05:00 PM

I think it sounds like you and/or your wife would rather go to the friend's wedding. Maybe it will be more fun or you all are closer to the friend. I cannot imagine not going to a brother's wedding unless you are not on speaking terms or this is like his fifth wedding or there is some other unusual family dynamic.

Wedding planning is (probably unnecessarily) stressful, so I think it is not real practical to try to get them or expect them to schedule around your other plans. I think you have to go to the brother's wedding (barring one of the above reasons) unless you truly value the relationship with the friend over your family. Other than knowing about it first, you can justify missing the friend's wedding for all the reasons you listed for missing your brother's, plus any good friend is going to understand putting family first (even if it is disappointing to them).

corbes · 06-10-2015, 05:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by digamma

My advice: you are going to think about this way more than either of them will. Do what is best for you and your wife and go from there.

+1

Abe Sargent · 06-10-2015, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by digamma

My advice: you are going to think about this way more than either of them will. Do what is best for you and your wife and go from there.

+2

Edward64 · 06-10-2015, 06:05 PM

I think split up and go to both. Each wedding party will understand and (should appreciate) the situation and how you tried to handle it.

Chief Rum · 06-10-2015, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Edward64

I think split up and go to both. Each wedding party will understand and (should appreciate) the situation and how you tried to handle it.

Without further information about why the brother had to have that date, this is how I would go. It's your wife's friend. It's your brother.

This shouldn't say anything about the two of you with each other. It's just acknowledging the situation and dealing with it.

Izulde · 06-10-2015, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by digamma

My advice: you are going to think about this way more than either of them will. Do what is best for you and your wife and go from there.

+3

Izulde · 06-10-2015, 06:42 PM

To further expand on that, your wife is someone you live with every day. Your brother, from the information we have here, isn't. I also find it odd/suspicious that they scheduled the *exact* same day after knowing that was the one day you had a prior commitment.

And in terms of the schedule thing that Swaggs mentioned, we're talking about one day. ONE. that didn't work for Mr. and Mrs. grdawg. It's not like we're talking about a week, or even a weekend. It's one flipping day.

stevew · 06-10-2015, 07:03 PM

Tiebreaker criteria

1.Who has been married fewer times. If tied.

2. Who has been living together shorter amount of time. If tied.

3. Who is younger.

JonInMiddleGA · 06-10-2015, 07:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by grdawg

My wife is upset because she feels that it should matter to them that we are there ...

I say this without any criticism of your wife (or anybody else for that matter) intended but ... not much gain I've ever found about worrying over what "should" matter to people.

There's every bit as much of the same sort of logic/reasoning that could find your brother (and/or his fiance) saying they should matter enough to you to be there.

*FTR, I ain't saying either is right or wrong, just pointing out what I see as a similarity in the sort of reasoning being used.

My two cents being, I suppose, let them do what they choose & ya'll do what you choose and just ... do, and be. People prioritize what they prioritize, feel what they feel, and care about what they care about. Worrying much about whatever those realities are is a bad investment afaic.

Dodgerchick · 06-10-2015, 07:23 PM

It depends. Who's hotter your brother's fiance, or your wife's friend?

Sorry, had to be asked.

PilotMan · 06-10-2015, 07:32 PM

Whatever decision you make you'll want a united front and a complete agreement from your wife. It sounds like the two of you had already made, at the very least, a partial commitment to her friends wedding. You were also very clear with your brother that you had 1 day that was an issue. Now your brother has decided to not use that information for his planning and you already laid it out to him that you had reasons. It seems to me that your best bet is to stick by your original decision, reiterate that you made it clear that day wouldn't work and go to your wife's friends wedding.

In any way, none of this is about you, but the your brother does need to respect the information that you had given him and if he, or anyone else in your family objects you fall back on your original statement that you already had a commitment that you had to honor and you were right up front with it. Your wife's feelings should trump those of your mother's anyway.

finkenst · 06-10-2015, 08:30 PM

Whatever decision you make will be wrong.

Racer · 06-10-2015, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

My two cents being, I suppose, let them do what they choose & ya'll do what you choose and just ... do, and be. People prioritize what they prioritize, feel what they feel, and care about what they care about. Worrying much about whatever those realities are is a bad investment afaic.

+1

TroyF · 06-10-2015, 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

I say this without any criticism of your wife (or anybody else for that matter) intended but ... not much gain I've ever found about worrying over what "should" matter to people.

There's every bit as much of the same sort of logic/reasoning that could find your brother (and/or his fiance) saying they should matter enough to you to be there.

*FTR, I ain't saying either is right or wrong, just pointing out what I see as a similarity in the sort of reasoning being used.

My two cents being, I suppose, let them do what they choose & ya'll do what you choose and just ... do, and be. People prioritize what they prioritize, feel what they feel, and care about what they care about. Worrying much about whatever those realities are is a bad investment afaic.

This, this, and more this.

Don't try to worry about what everyone else was thinking, they had their reasons. Make a decision and move on. People get so pissed off. At my wedding, one of my family members was pissed off where they were seated and they didn't invite us to see my cousin graduate college.

It bothered my wife to no end. I just brushed it off. Whatever. We all have to do what we have to do. Do what you and your wife want to do and don't look back. They had their reasons, you have yours.

bhlloy · 06-10-2015, 09:50 PM

I'm gonna go against the grain here, but I can't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't choose the brother assuming your relationship hadn't broken down completely. I can understand why you might be annoyed that he chose the one day you had another wedding but he's your brother.

I'm not even really a big family person or really close to my family (6k miles will do that) but if my sister is getting married I'm dropping everything else in my life to make it there. Sorry if my wife's friend is missing out - and if it's that good of a friend then my wife will go separately.

law90026 · 06-10-2015, 10:00 PM

I honestly wouldn't second-guess why your brother picked that day. It's his wedding and it's really his right to pick the day that works best for him and his soon-to-be wife. Suggesting that he pick any other day seems unfair to me because it isn't your wedding.

Even if his intentions aren't pure, it doesn't change the fact that its his wedding and his choice.

For you, it just boils down to which wedding you would prefer to attend. You won't be wrong for picking one over the other.

JPhillips · 06-10-2015, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bhlloy

I'm gonna go against the grain here, but I can't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't choose the brother assuming your relationship hadn't broken down completely. I can understand why you might be annoyed that he chose the one day you had another wedding but he's your brother.

I'm not even really a big family person or really close to my family (6k miles will do that) but if my sister is getting married I'm dropping everything else in my life to make it there. Sorry if my wife's friend is missing out - and if it's that good of a friend then my wife will go separately.

This.

I want to agree with Jon, but in the end I'd be there for my brother even if it pissed me off a little.

grdawg · 06-10-2015, 10:12 PM

Thanks for everyone's comments.

We've asked why they had to choose that day and the reasons have been its cheaper, the venue they wanted was available that day and she is a teacher and says she couldn't take any days off and if they didn't do it then then it would Have to wait until next June. We don't really believe that was the only day. It was the day they wanted and nothing was changing their minds. If it was the day after we would have made it work. I told them I would have cancelled a trip the prior weekend.

TroyF · 06-10-2015, 10:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by grdawg

Thanks for everyone's comments.

We've asked why they had to choose that day and the reasons have been its cheaper, the venue they wanted was available that day and she is a teacher and says she couldn't take any days off and if they didn't do it then then it would Have to wait until next June. We don't really believe that was the only day. It was the day they wanted and nothing was changing their minds. If it was the day after we would have made it work. I told them I would have cancelled a trip the prior weekend.

I agreed with Jon on this and still do, but I have to say I wouldn't have explained myself if I was your brother.

I'd have said, "it's this day, you are invited, come or don't" He and his wife are adults, they don't have to justify their decisions to you. If his decision was because he wanted to cause a complication for you and your wife, it's his right. How you deal with it is your business.

I mean even the start. Unless a friend or family member asked for my opinion, I wouldn't have sent the emails or talked to them BEFORE they officially booked it. If they asked your opinion and you told them you couldn't make it and they still did it? So what. They took all of the factors into account and did what is best for them. Sorry their special day doesn't fit into your schedule, but it's their special day, not yours.

I don't mean to be a jerk, but this one sent it over the top for me. If your brother and his fiance really explained all of that to you, they are better people than I.

Dutch · 06-10-2015, 10:59 PM

Have you considered that you go to your brother's wedding and your wife go to her friend's wedding? Might be a valid possibility here.

grdawg · 06-10-2015, 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dutch

Have you considered that you go to your brother's wedding and your wife go to her friend's wedding? Might be a valid possibility here.

Yes, but there are logistic issues so it is a little more challenging to do that and we really don't want to split up.

grdawg · 06-10-2015, 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TroyF

I agreed with Jon on this and still do, but I have to say I wouldn't have explained myself if I was your brother.

I don't mean to be a jerk, but this one sent it over the top for me. If your brother and his fiance really explained all of that to you, they are better people than I.

I wouldn't say they explained all this. We heard from my mother some of it.

Desnudo · 06-10-2015, 11:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Izulde

+3

+4

Amazing coincidence but don't make the decision all about you which is basically the way you are describing it. Take them at their word and go where you were invited first which is the correct thing to do anyway.

Dutch · 06-10-2015, 11:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by grdawg

A really good friend of my wife got engaged in February and told us her wedding will probably be in Sept/Oct with Labor Day weekend a good possibility. She has known her for 20+ years. Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago and out of the blue my brother calls to tell me he got engaged and he was looking at Sept/Oct. We didn't really understand the urgency on their part to get married anyway. I immediately tell him about my wife's friends wedding. A few days later my wife's friend confirms that the wedding is Sunday of labor day weekend. I call my brother and tell him again that we can't do that day and that we will make any other day work. My wife sends his fiance an email as well. A week later my brother goes ahead and books that same day for his wedding and my wife get's a response back that they are OK if we don't come to their wedding, but that was the "only" day that would work for them. My wife is upset because she feels that it should matter to them that we are there and they picked the one day that we told them would be an issue. We told them we'd make any other day work and if it was on a different day of that weekend we could try to make both.

TBH, I read this as "Brother/His Fiance" almost don't want you to go...or could care less...I know that may not be accurate but this is how this reads. You gave them great info to help coordinate the wedding date and they gave you a pretty shitty option in return...even if circumstances dictated it. But to make your wife miss here long-time friends wedding because "it was cheaper" is weak at best.

If you and the wife must stay together, then I agree with the others that you just go to your wife's wedding and just apologize and say that you really wanted to be there and are sad it couldn't work out. Good luck, sorry to hear this.

Pyser · 06-10-2015, 11:46 PM

split up

Fidatelo · 06-11-2015, 12:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pyser

split up

This.

judicial clerk · 06-11-2015, 12:54 AM

In these situations I tend to apply the " Happy Wife, Happy Life" principle. Ask your wife what she thinks you should do and then agree to do that. Now, don't just tell your wife it's her decision because that might make her feel like she is being forced to be the bad guy and that might make her "Unhappy." Nobody needs that shit over this issue. Just ask your wife what she thinks and then decide together to do that. Then go to her friends wedding and enjoy the hotel after-reception sex.

Also, Dodgerchick raises a good question. Some might even say this thread is useless without pics.

nol · 06-11-2015, 01:07 AM

1. I feel like this is a super common wedding date so I wouldn't assume any ill intent from your brother just from that. I'd probably be on the side of splitting the weddings unless there's some drastically terrible stuff between you and your brother not mentioned here.

2. I first read this as wrestling drama and was prepared to be much more entertained by this thread.

miked · 06-11-2015, 07:07 AM

Bros before hoes.

Dutch · 06-11-2015, 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by miked

Bros before hoes.

Which bro are you applying this to?

Marmel · 06-11-2015, 07:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by miked

Bros before hoes.

Junk before Trunk
Balls before Dolls
Compadres before I sleep with two madres
Brad Pitt Before Grab clit
These nuts before skinny sluts
masturbate before ask her to date
Beef stew before watching the view
Male erection before one direction
Mario and Luigi before Thelma and Louiseeee
Bert and Ernie before squirt and spermy
Man purses before regular purses
Sports before genital warts
John Madden before Jasmine from Aladdin

Dutch · 06-11-2015, 07:43 AM

That pretty much gives OP his options. Thanks for visiting Dr. FOFC!

Logan · 06-11-2015, 07:43 AM

I'm not sure why they felt like they had to ask about availability in the first place. Maybe they wanted to see if there were dates that were 100% off limits (family vacation booked/paid for, etc) and they don't think a friend's wedding qualifies. How do you know that the day before or the day after wouldn't be off limits to the bride's sister, for example?

Honestly, reading your OP and responses makes it seem like you're either way too upset about this, or you're not very understanding of their situation. "We didn't really understand the urgency on their part to get married anyway"...sorry but that has nothing to do with you. It's their decision and it seems like they are being very understanding of others' situations that may make attending difficult/impossible.

My wife and I got married in Mexico two years ago. We decided to do this because not only did we want to get married in such a beautiful place which also happened to be much cheaper for us, but we wanted to be able to spend a few days with our friends and family instead of 6 hours or whatever. We knew the place we picked would be a great time for those who decided to come. We did all this knowing it was selfish...it's expensive and time-consuming for others after all, but it was our decision. We had a few friends and cousins who were on the fence about making it and we were sure to tell them that we totally understood and there would never be any hard feelings.

There are people who would hold it against others with these types of decisions, and those people are pricks. It really doesn't sound like your brother and his fiancee are those types of people.

Dutch · 06-11-2015, 07:46 AM

I dunno, I think a life-long friend does qualify.

Logan · 06-11-2015, 07:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dutch

I dunno, I think a life-long friend does qualify.

You do, maybe they don't. It doesn't matter. They said they understood the OP and his wife choosing that wedding over theirs. Sometimes people worry so much about what people really mean behind what they say that they forget sometimes people do actually tell the truth and aren't going to be talking shit behind their back.

Butter · 06-11-2015, 08:02 AM

Yeah, you have to take the statement "we're ok if you don't come to our wedding" at face value. Maybe you're not ok with it, but if they are that should make the decision easier.

And it's not your wedding, it's their wedding.

If you don't have a good relationship with the brother and the wife has caused drama for you before, you have to actually consider the possibility that they may have made this decision specifically because you said "that date won't work for me, but literally any other date will." Maybe they chose that date so that you wouldn't come?

Dutch · 06-11-2015, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Logan

You do, maybe they don't. It doesn't matter. They said they understood the OP and his wife choosing that wedding over theirs. Sometimes people worry so much about what people really mean behind what they say that they forget sometimes people do actually tell the truth and aren't going to be talking shit behind their back.

The OP was asking for individual opinions, so I dont think I was out of line. I'm working with the information given. Personally, if my sister and my wife's best friend were getting married on the same day, I would go to my sisters wedding...but we have strong relationship. But every scenario is different.

Logan · 06-11-2015, 08:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dutch

The OP was asking for individual opinions, so I dont think I was out of line. I'm working with the information given. Personally, if my sister and my wife's best friend were getting married on the same day, I would go to my sisters wedding...but we have strong relationship. But every scenario is different.

Sorry, didn't mean to imply offering your own opinion wasn't allowed. I was just trying to show what might have been their own perspective for "ignoring" what OP told them.

Dutch · 06-11-2015, 08:25 AM

Ah, gotcha!

grdawg · 06-11-2015, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Logan

My wife and I got married in Mexico two years ago. We decided to do this because not only did we want to get married in such a beautiful place which also happened to be much cheaper for us, but we wanted to be able to spend a few days with our friends and family instead of 6 hours or whatever. We knew the place we picked would be a great time for those who decided to come. We did all this knowing it was selfish...it's expensive and time-consuming for others after all, but it was our decision. We had a few friends and cousins who were on the fence about making it and we were sure to tell them that we totally understood and there would never be any hard feelings.

We actually got married in Mexico as well for the same reasons. We asked our close friends and family before hand if they would be open to coming and told everyone we invited that we understood if they couldn't make it. Everyone that came had a great time except my brother who caused all kinds of drama up to and during the few days there.

I understand everyone's comments that its their day and they can do it whenever they choose. My wife meant well because she was looking out for me, but nobody took it that way in my family and now this became a lot bigger than it needed to be.

grdawg · 06-11-2015, 09:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dodgerchick

It depends. Who's hotter your brother's fiance, or your wife's friend?

Sorry, had to be asked.

Obviously my wife is hotter than both

timmae · 06-11-2015, 09:04 AM

Gr... It is a tough situation no doubt. I have had severe issues with my brother and his wife and have been in the same situation you are in albeit with slightly different details. I highly recommend viewing each situation and then deciding which to attend based on what is right for you and your wife. If either group holds it against you that you attended the others event that is telling in and of itself. Ultimately you want to look back on the day with fondness and not regret. Make a decision and communicate as clearly as possible with all parties. They will decide how to react and what is appropriate to them.

For what it is worth my wife and I chose to side with our friends on the issue we had and my brothers real intentions came out. Please PM me if you want any additional advice or information on my situation and how we handled things. It has been tough but my wife and I are content with how we handled the situation.

Chief Rum · 06-11-2015, 10:14 AM

I find it funny that some of you actually seem to be taking umbrage with grdawg for his actions. I don't see anything wrong with seeking out information or asking some questions about the decision making, no matter who's day is what.

molson · 06-11-2015, 10:22 AM

I'd go to the friend's wedding in these circumstances, and then give my brother a great wedding gift, and visit them and take them out for nice dinner and/or weekend trip sometime down the road. I'm sure he and his fiance had a really good reason for the date they choose, and there's about zero chance that has anything to do with grdawg, even though it can be tempting to feel like there's something "odd" about it. The important thing is to not express any resentment, passive or otherwise, to anyone. Don't be a wedding drama adder. One way to ensure that is to take this all as an opportunity to spend a little quality time with your brother and his wife after the wedding. I bet they'd appreciate that.

grdawg · 07-23-2015, 09:10 AM

So a little update. I thought this was all resolved. My brother and his fiance said it was fine and that they understood that we wouldn't make it. I saw them a few weeks ago and his fiance again was totally understanding and said she would do the same thing in my situation. Fast forward to a week ago, I get a text from my brother if I had changed my mind yet as well as the guilt trip from my mom that people are wondering why I wouldn't be there (as if anyone would even know if I'd be there unless someone specifically told them). In addition more passive aggressive stuff like your daughter would have loved being a flower girl (which I know she would so that is upsetting)

We already booked our trip to the friend's wedding so our decision was made, but it just sucks that both weddings had to be on the same exact day.

Logan · 07-23-2015, 09:40 AM

My read is that your mom is guilt tripping/putting the drama on your brother which is why it's back on you. No one is wondering why you wouldn't be there without her first trying to get "ahead of it" by bringing it up to them. Or probably more likely, no one is wondering this at all and she's making it up.

Have a frank conversation with him. "You said you understood. Why are you asking me if I changed my mind? We booked everything." Maybe he reveals what's really behind it.

rowech · 07-23-2015, 10:20 AM

I'd simply tell them -- look -- it's one day that's messed up. Let's not keep going back and forth like this so that it becomes years that are messed up.

Is it possible that somebody could somehow just skype the ceremony so you can at least "be there" if the weddings aren't at the same time?

06-10-2015, 04:44 PM	#2
Chief Rum Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Where Hip Hop lives	Have you asked your brother why that was the only day which worked for them? __________________ . . I would rather be wrong...Than live in the shadows of your song...My mind is open wide...And now I'm ready to start...You're not sure...You open the door...And step out into the dark...Now I'm ready.

06-10-2015, 05:00 PM	#4
Swaggs Coordinator Join Date: Oct 2000	I think it sounds like you and/or your wife would rather go to the friend's wedding. Maybe it will be more fun or you all are closer to the friend. I cannot imagine not going to a brother's wedding unless you are not on speaking terms or this is like his fifth wedding or there is some other unusual family dynamic. Wedding planning is (probably unnecessarily) stressful, so I think it is not real practical to try to get them or expect them to schedule around your other plans. I think you have to go to the brother's wedding (barring one of the above reasons) unless you truly value the relationship with the friend over your family. Other than knowing about it first, you can justify missing the friend's wedding for all the reasons you listed for missing your brother's, plus any good friend is going to understand putting family first (even if it is disappointing to them). __________________ DOWN WITH HATTRICK!!! The RWBL Are you reading In The Bleachers?

06-10-2015, 06:42 PM	#10
Izulde Head Coach Join Date: Sep 2004	To further expand on that, your wife is someone you live with every day. Your brother, from the information we have here, isn't. I also find it odd/suspicious that they scheduled the exact same day after knowing that was the one day you had a prior commitment. And in terms of the schedule thing that Swaggs mentioned, we're talking about one day. ONE. that didn't work for Mr. and Mrs. grdawg. It's not like we're talking about a week, or even a weekend. It's one flipping day. __________________ 2006 Golden Scribe Nominee 2006 Golden Scribe Winner Best Non-Sport Dynasty: May Our Reign Be Green and Golden (CK Dynasty) Rookie Writer of the Year Dynasty of the Year: May Our Reign Be Green and Golden (CK Dynasty)

06-10-2015, 07:32 PM	#14
PilotMan Head Coach Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Seven miles up	Whatever decision you make you'll want a united front and a complete agreement from your wife. It sounds like the two of you had already made, at the very least, a partial commitment to her friends wedding. You were also very clear with your brother that you had 1 day that was an issue. Now your brother has decided to not use that information for his planning and you already laid it out to him that you had reasons. It seems to me that your best bet is to stick by your original decision, reiterate that you made it clear that day wouldn't work and go to your wife's friends wedding. In any way, none of this is about you, but the your brother does need to respect the information that you had given him and if he, or anyone else in your family objects you fall back on your original statement that you already had a commitment that you had to honor and you were right up front with it. Your wife's feelings should trump those of your mother's anyway. __________________ He's just like if Snow White was competitive, horny, and capable of beating the shit out of anyone that called her Pops.

06-11-2015, 07:07 AM	#32
miked College Starter Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: The Dirty	Bros before hoes. __________________ Commish of the United Baseball League (OOTP 6.5)

06-10-2015, 04:51 PM	#3
digamma Torchbearer Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: On Lake Harriet	My advice: you are going to think about this way more than either of them will. Do what is best for you and your wife and go from there.

06-10-2015, 06:05 PM	#7
Edward64 General Manager Join Date: Oct 2005	I think split up and go to both. Each wedding party will understand and (should appreciate) the situation and how you tried to handle it.

06-10-2015, 07:03 PM	#11
stevew Hall Of Famer Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: the yo'	Tiebreaker criteria 1.Who has been married fewer times. If tied. 2. Who has been living together shorter amount of time. If tied. 3. Who is younger.

06-10-2015, 07:23 PM	#13
Dodgerchick College Benchwarmer Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Austin, TX	It depends. Who's hotter your brother's fiance, or your wife's friend? Sorry, had to be asked.

06-10-2015, 09:50 PM	#18
bhlloy Coordinator Join Date: Nov 2003	I'm gonna go against the grain here, but I can't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't choose the brother assuming your relationship hadn't broken down completely. I can understand why you might be annoyed that he chose the one day you had another wedding but he's your brother. I'm not even really a big family person or really close to my family (6k miles will do that) but if my sister is getting married I'm dropping everything else in my life to make it there. Sorry if my wife's friend is missing out - and if it's that good of a friend then my wife will go separately.

06-10-2015, 10:00 PM	#19
law90026 College Benchwarmer Join Date: Jan 2006	I honestly wouldn't second-guess why your brother picked that day. It's his wedding and it's really his right to pick the day that works best for him and his soon-to-be wife. Suggesting that he pick any other day seems unfair to me because it isn't your wedding. Even if his intentions aren't pure, it doesn't change the fact that its his wedding and his choice. For you, it just boils down to which wedding you would prefer to attend. You won't be wrong for picking one over the other.

06-10-2015, 10:12 PM	#21
grdawg Mascot Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: South	Thanks for everyone's comments. We've asked why they had to choose that day and the reasons have been its cheaper, the venue they wanted was available that day and she is a teacher and says she couldn't take any days off and if they didn't do it then then it would Have to wait until next June. We don't really believe that was the only day. It was the day they wanted and nothing was changing their minds. If it was the day after we would have made it work. I told them I would have cancelled a trip the prior weekend.

06-10-2015, 10:59 PM	#23
Dutch "Dutch" Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Tampa, FL	Have you considered that you go to your brother's wedding and your wife go to her friend's wedding? Might be a valid possibility here.

06-10-2015, 11:46 PM	#28
Pyser Pro Rookie Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Los Angeles	split up

06-11-2015, 12:54 AM	#30
judicial clerk College Benchwarmer Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Portland, OR	In these situations I tend to apply the " Happy Wife, Happy Life" principle. Ask your wife what she thinks you should do and then agree to do that. Now, don't just tell your wife it's her decision because that might make her feel like she is being forced to be the bad guy and that might make her "Unhappy." Nobody needs that shit over this issue. Just ask your wife what she thinks and then decide together to do that. Then go to her friends wedding and enjoy the hotel after-reception sex. Also, Dodgerchick raises a good question. Some might even say this thread is useless without pics.

06-11-2015, 01:07 AM	#31
nol Banned Join Date: Oct 2003	1. I feel like this is a super common wedding date so I wouldn't assume any ill intent from your brother just from that. I'd probably be on the side of splitting the weddings unless there's some drastically terrible stuff between you and your brother not mentioned here. 2. I first read this as wrestling drama and was prepared to be much more entertained by this thread.

06-11-2015, 07:43 AM	#35
Dutch "Dutch" Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Tampa, FL	That pretty much gives OP his options. Thanks for visiting Dr. FOFC!

06-11-2015, 07:43 AM	#36
Logan Head Coach Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: NYC	I'm not sure why they felt like they had to ask about availability in the first place. Maybe they wanted to see if there were dates that were 100% off limits (family vacation booked/paid for, etc) and they don't think a friend's wedding qualifies. How do you know that the day before or the day after wouldn't be off limits to the bride's sister, for example? Honestly, reading your OP and responses makes it seem like you're either way too upset about this, or you're not very understanding of their situation. "We didn't really understand the urgency on their part to get married anyway"...sorry but that has nothing to do with you. It's their decision and it seems like they are being very understanding of others' situations that may make attending difficult/impossible. My wife and I got married in Mexico two years ago. We decided to do this because not only did we want to get married in such a beautiful place which also happened to be much cheaper for us, but we wanted to be able to spend a few days with our friends and family instead of 6 hours or whatever. We knew the place we picked would be a great time for those who decided to come. We did all this knowing it was selfish...it's expensive and time-consuming for others after all, but it was our decision. We had a few friends and cousins who were on the fence about making it and we were sure to tell them that we totally understood and there would never be any hard feelings. There are people who would hold it against others with these types of decisions, and those people are pricks. It really doesn't sound like your brother and his fiancee are those types of people.

06-11-2015, 07:46 AM	#37
Dutch "Dutch" Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Tampa, FL	I dunno, I think a life-long friend does qualify.

06-11-2015, 08:02 AM	#39
Butter Coordinator Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Dayton, OH	Yeah, you have to take the statement "we're ok if you don't come to our wedding" at face value. Maybe you're not ok with it, but if they are that should make the decision easier. And it's not your wedding, it's their wedding. If you don't have a good relationship with the brother and the wife has caused drama for you before, you have to actually consider the possibility that they may have made this decision specifically because you said "that date won't work for me, but literally any other date will." Maybe they chose that date so that you wouldn't come? __________________ My listening habits

06-11-2015, 08:25 AM	#42
Dutch "Dutch" Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Tampa, FL	Ah, gotcha!

06-11-2015, 09:04 AM	#45
timmae College Starter Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Chicago	Gr... It is a tough situation no doubt. I have had severe issues with my brother and his wife and have been in the same situation you are in albeit with slightly different details. I highly recommend viewing each situation and then deciding which to attend based on what is right for you and your wife. If either group holds it against you that you attended the others event that is telling in and of itself. Ultimately you want to look back on the day with fondness and not regret. Make a decision and communicate as clearly as possible with all parties. They will decide how to react and what is appropriate to them. For what it is worth my wife and I chose to side with our friends on the issue we had and my brothers real intentions came out. Please PM me if you want any additional advice or information on my situation and how we handled things. It has been tough but my wife and I are content with how we handled the situation. __________________ Interactive OOTP 15 Dynasty (Single Season) CHAMPION!! Oh yeah... Happy New York Day everyone!

06-11-2015, 10:14 AM	#46
Chief Rum Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Where Hip Hop lives	I find it funny that some of you actually seem to be taking umbrage with grdawg for his actions. I don't see anything wrong with seeking out information or asking some questions about the decision making, no matter who's day is what. __________________ . . I would rather be wrong...Than live in the shadows of your song...My mind is open wide...And now I'm ready to start...You're not sure...You open the door...And step out into the dark...Now I'm ready.

06-11-2015, 10:22 AM	#47
molson General Manager Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: The Mountains	I'd go to the friend's wedding in these circumstances, and then give my brother a great wedding gift, and visit them and take them out for nice dinner and/or weekend trip sometime down the road. I'm sure he and his fiance had a really good reason for the date they choose, and there's about zero chance that has anything to do with grdawg, even though it can be tempting to feel like there's something "odd" about it. The important thing is to not express any resentment, passive or otherwise, to anyone. Don't be a wedding drama adder. One way to ensure that is to take this all as an opportunity to spend a little quality time with your brother and his wife after the wedding. I bet they'd appreciate that. Last edited by molson : 06-11-2015 at 10:23 AM.

07-23-2015, 09:10 AM	#48
grdawg Mascot Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: South	So a little update. I thought this was all resolved. My brother and his fiance said it was fine and that they understood that we wouldn't make it. I saw them a few weeks ago and his fiance again was totally understanding and said she would do the same thing in my situation. Fast forward to a week ago, I get a text from my brother if I had changed my mind yet as well as the guilt trip from my mom that people are wondering why I wouldn't be there (as if anyone would even know if I'd be there unless someone specifically told them). In addition more passive aggressive stuff like your daughter would have loved being a flower girl (which I know she would so that is upsetting) We already booked our trip to the friend's wedding so our decision was made, but it just sucks that both weddings had to be on the same exact day.

07-23-2015, 09:40 AM	#49
Logan Head Coach Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: NYC	My read is that your mom is guilt tripping/putting the drama on your brother which is why it's back on you. No one is wondering why you wouldn't be there without her first trying to get "ahead of it" by bringing it up to them. Or probably more likely, no one is wondering this at all and she's making it up. Have a frank conversation with him. "You said you understood. Why are you asking me if I changed my mind? We booked everything." Maybe he reveals what's really behind it.

07-23-2015, 10:20 AM	#50
rowech Pro Starter Join Date: Feb 2006	I'd simply tell them -- look -- it's one day that's messed up. Let's not keep going back and forth like this so that it becomes years that are messed up. Is it possible that somebody could somehow just skype the ceremony so you can at least "be there" if the weddings aren't at the same time?

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