Heard any good jokes lately?

[Dutch]

I'm not very good at them, but I've had two occasions in the last week where I was asked, "Tell me a good joke". I'd like to increase my arsenal. They can be anything from dumb to current events to one-liners...longer jokes are fine too. Nothing too dirty or too unPC though.

[Warhammer]

A man dies and goes to heaven. He meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter tells the man, "You lived a good life, but we have one last test before you enter into Heaven, you must answer three questions."

The man says, "Go ahead and ask your questions."

Saint Peter: The first question is pretty easy, how many days are there in a year?

Man: That's easy! Seven.

Saint Peter: SEVEN?!? There's more days than that in a month!

Man: no there are seven, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday....

Saint Peter: Thursday, Friday, over and over. Ok, we'll take that I guess, but this next one is harder, it's a bit of a math question, how many seconds are there in a year?

Man: Thats's easier than the first! 12!

Saint Peter: No, you have 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, so you multiply....

Man: No, you have 12, there is January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...

Saint Peter: (sighs) Alright, alright, we'll change that one, but we weren't specific enough, we accept that answer, because this is the most important question of the bunch. What is the name of God?

Man: really, that's the hard one? It's Howard.

Saint Peter: Howard?!?

Man: Howard, that's what Jesus taught us. Our Father who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name.

[Warhammer]

Two men meet at a golf course for a round of golf:

First man: This is great, we haven't been able to do this in a while, I'm thrilled my wife let me get out.

Second man: Me too, the best part is we have a wonderful day, the course is in great shape, let's hope the play isn't too bad.

They begin playing, each is having a great round, they play the first five holes in 30 minutes. On number 6 they catch up to a pair of women on a par 3. The women are on the green but take 5 minutes to finish the hole. The men finish the hole in 15 minutes and get to the next tee. The women are in the fairway and take about 25 minutes to finish the hole.

1st man: geez, I don't think I can take it. They are taking forever!
2nd man: Look it's a great day, just relax.
1st man: If they don't pick up the pace I am going to talk to them.

The men finish the hole in 15 minutes, and go to the next hole. The women are 300 yards up on a par 5, it takes them 20 minutes to get far enough for the men to take their tee shot.

1st man: I'm going up to talk to them.
2nd: if you think it will help go ahead.

The first hops in the golf cart and drives up, he gets almost up to the women, turns around and drives back, he is shaking as though he has seen a ghost.

2nd man: What's wrong?
1st man: one of the women was my wife, the other is my mistress, I'm not walking into that.
2nd: Tell you what, I'll go talk to them then and see if we can play through.

He hops in the cart gets almost up to the women and he turns around and drives back. The 1st sees him:
1st: What's wrong? Why didn't you say anything to them?
2nd: (shaking his head) I tell you it's a small world...

[Dutch]

Haha!

[Warhammer]

I realized in typing these out that I don't say these verbatim, but keep the main points but adapt them slightly based on the crowd.

[NobodyHere]

A good way to ruin a joke telling is stopping your story to remember the non-important details.

[Dutch]

Yeah, I've done that. Like I said, I'm petty bad at this.

[Dutch]

A Texas man walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender gets him three beers, but is surprised to see him just line them up and take sips for each of them in order by himself.

The bartender remarks, "You know, I could just give you one beer at a time so they can stay colder."

The man says, "No, thanks."

When the man returns the next week, he asks for three more beers. The bartender remembers him.

The bartender remarks again, "You know, I could just give you one beer at a time so they can stay colder."

The man says, "Oh, no, let me explain, I have two brothers, one in California and one in Florida...and we agreed to go to a bar every Friday and have a drink for each of us."

The bartender nods, "Interesting, I like that! Let me get your three beers."

When the man returns the next week, the bartender starts getting the beers ready but the man stops him..."Just two beers please."

The bartender is suddenly overcome with emotion, "Oh, man, I'm so sorry, what's happened???"

The man shakes his head, "Oh, no, no, nothing bad has happened, I just quit drinking."

[Dutch]

Sometimes the quick ones are good to have also.

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? --Because they're damned good at it.

How do you make holy water? --Boil the hell out of it.

What's a nosy pepper do? --Gets jalepeno business.

[Critch]

A guy goes into a flag shop and says "Can I have a purple US flag, please?"

The shopkeeper says "They only come in red, white and blue"

So he says "Ok, give me a blue one."

[Dutch]

I like I and can use that one, for sure.

[britrock88]

I've gotten this one to 10 minutes. Great timewaster.

[Pumpy Tudors]

A man goes to see a psychiatrist. As soon as he enters the office, he yells, "Doctor! Doctor! You've gotta help me! Sometimes I think I'm a dog!"

The doctor says, "Have a seat on the couch and tell me all about it."

The man says, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

[Izulde]

A bear and a rabbit are walking in the woods, and they come along an old lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.

The genie says, "Thank you. I have been imprisoned for 10,000 years, and for freeing me, each of you get three wishes."

The bear speaks up right away and says, "I want all the female bears to live in this forest." Poof! All the female bears in the world now live in the forest.

The rabbit thinks a minute, then says, "I wish for a motorcycle." Poof! A rabbit sized motorcycle appears in front of him.

"That's a stupid wish, rabbit!" laughs the bear, then says, "For my second wish, I want all the female bears to love me." Poof! All the female bears love the bear.

"I wish for a crash helmet," says the rabbit. Poof! A crash helmet appears in the rabbit paws.

"Man, you're so dumb, rabbit!" says the bear, laughing harder. "For my third and final wish, I want to be the only male bear in the world." Poof! The bear is the only male bear in the world.

The rabbit smiles, straps on his helmet, hops on the motorcyle, revs it, and starts riding away. Just before he gets out of earshot, he calls back, "My final wish is for the male bear to be gay".

[Julio Riddols]

call me an old softie, but I prefer to be referred to as a distinguished gentleman with a flagging erection.

[NobodyHere]

What do you call an ape in a minefield?


Babooom!

[Neon_Chaos]

A priest and a buddhist were having an argument about their religion and decided to settle it with a pray-off. They would test their faith by jumping off a cliff and calling out to their deity.

The Buddhist jumped first, calling out... "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha..." As if by magic, he was lifted from his fall and was swept back up into the cliff edge. Smiling smugly at the priest, he waved for the latter to take his turn.

The priest jumped, and called out... "Jesus...Jesus...Jesus.... Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!"

[Dutch]

Originally Posted by britrock88

I've gotten this one to 10 minutes. Great timewaster.

I'd never be able to pull that off.

[Critch]

My wife sent me the following joke as "the most offensive thing I've seen online". It is pretty offensive, so I'll spoilertag it for the faint of heart.

Spoiler

So I was eating this bitch out when I tasted horse semen and I was like, "So that's how you died, Grandma."

[korme]

What is a birds favorite Dorito?

Cool Branch lmao I'm outta here

[spleen1015]

For some reason, I have always liked this one.

2 brothers are hanging out the day before the older one's 10th birthday.

Older brother tells little brother "Tomorrow is my 10th birthday. I think since I'll be 10, I'm allowed to cuss."

Little brother says "It is only fair that I get to cuss since you get to cuss."

The older brother agrees and says "I think my cuss word will be 'damn'."

The little brother says "And I think my cuss word will be 'ass'."

So, tomorrow comes and their mom calls them down for breakfast and tells the older brother "Since it is your birthday, you can pick what you want for breakfast."

He says "I'll take some damn Cheerios!"

Mom says "What did you say?"

He says "I'll take some damn Cheerios!"

Mom slaps him in the face and says "Never say that again!" Then she asks the little brother "Now, what do you want for breakfast?"

Little brother says "Well, you can bet your sweet ass I don't want any damn Cherrios!"

[Dutch]

[Critch]

Topical and clean.

Why cant ants get Covid?

Because they've got tiny antibodies.

[Vince, Pt. II]

A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.

[albionmoonlight]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any milk.
The bartender says "No. We're a bar. We don't serve milk."
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender if he has any milk.
The bartender, annoyed, says "I told you yesterday, we don't have any milk. Now stop asking!"
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender if he has any milk.
The bartender, livid, says "I've told you twice now, we don't serve milk! If you come in here and ask for milk again, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar!"
The next day the duck comes into the bar and asks "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender, confused, says "No, I don't have any nails."
The duck says, "Good. Do you have any milk?"

[NobodyHere]

Why did the Math text book commit suicide?


It had too many problems.

[pantera]

Guy walks into a bar...

Guy: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Guy: OK, I’ll have a Budweiser.

Bartender: Eight dollars.

Guy: Eight dollars!? That's crazy. Ok, there you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.

[albionmoonlight]

Originally Posted by pantera

Guy walks into a bar...

Guy: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Guy: OK, I’ll have a Budweiser.

Bartender: Eight dollars.

Guy: Eight dollars!? That's crazy. Ok, there you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.

That's good.

[QuikSand]

Originally Posted by pantera

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.

really strong in the inoffensive, non-ribald category... nice

[QuikSand]

A priest, a mullah, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

"We'll need your blood types" the receptionist says.

"I think I'm a type O" says the rabbit.

[Kodos]

Originally Posted by albionmoonlight

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any milk.
The bartender says "No. We're a bar. We don't serve milk."
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender if he has any milk.
The bartender, annoyed, says "I told you yesterday, we don't have any milk. Now stop asking!"
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender if he has any milk.
The bartender, livid, says "I've told you twice now, we don't serve milk! If you come in here and ask for milk again, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar!"
The next day the duck comes into the bar and asks "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender, confused, says "No, I don't have any nails."
The duck says, "Good. Do you have any milk?"

[tarcone]

What did the 14 year old pregnant girl and her fetus think at the same time?



















Man, My Mom is going to kill me.

[NobodyHere]

I snorted

[Maple Leafs]

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

[thealmighty]

Why do elephants wear sunglasses?


So you won't recognize them.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by spleen1015

For some reason, I have always liked this one.

2 brothers are hanging out the day before the older one's 10th birthday. ...

It reminds me of one of my long time favorites

A couple of second graders walking to school, one says to the other
"I found a condom on the veranda last night"

Second one says
"What's a veranda?"

[AlexB]

Originally Posted by thealmighty

Why do elephants wear sunglasses?


So you won't recognize them.

Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?

So they can hide upside down in custard