Rate The Last Movie You Watched

[Suicane75]

Originally Posted by Julio Riddols

Facts of Life: The Movie, next on JoeLovesMovies

Man, if prime Nancy McKeon had been a horror movie, be still my heart.

[Suicane75]

Slumber Party Massacre 2: 73 Out Of 100 Stars
Cheesier than a dairy farm, and every bit as delicious. This sequel from 1987, five years after the original, is like an after school special about abstinence, on acid. About an hour into this thing I just started to assume that I was high. I don't remember taking any drugs, but it seems like the most logical explanation for the things I was seeing.

The lovely Crystal Bernard, pre Wings and probably right about the time of It's A Living, assumes the role of Courtney, the little sister of the heroine from the first Slumber Party Massacre. She's 17 now and has the hots for Matt. She even dreams about him, running around topless in his too short 80's shorts, catching footballs and smiling that hunky smile. Unfortunately she also dreams about the night half the girls in the neighborhood got cut to pieces and her poor sister, locked in mental institution. And oh yeah, she also dreams about a John Travolta lookalike, dressed head to toe in leather, sporting a giant guitar with a drill attached to the end of it, singing, dancing and trying to rape her.

So anyway, her and some girls from school have a band, and we get treated to multiple scenes of them 'playing'. It's so fantastically 80's.

One of the girls dads just bought a condo in a new development and they decide to go up for the weekend and party. Despite the bad dreams she's been having, Courtney is able to convince her mom to let her go.

Of course once they get there, there's the usual drinking, laughing and unleashing of boobs. Actually there's not a lot of nudity but all the girls are very attractive in an 80's kind of way and there is plenty of tease, though a nice swimsuit is as far Crystal goes.

Some boys show up, including the fella Crystal has a crush on. Problem is that her dreams are starting to turn into hallucinations, ranging from oven roaster chickens coming to life and pooping all over her, to exploding zits. Then, every time she starts to think she might be ready to go all the way with Hunky McHunkerson, she has another dream featuring the singing rapist, warning her not to go all the way.

You'd think that once the killing starts the movie would start to make a little more sense. You'd be sooooo wrong. The chase & kill scenes are pretty standard, except for the minor inclusion of the killer stopping from time to time to sing rockabilly songs, cackle, and dance.

Things wrap up fairly nicely in a way that explains things nearly as best it can, although honestly, nothing can fully or adequately explain what the fuck we just watched.

At just over 70 minutes it doesn't wear out it's welcome or stretch things out needlessly. Like I said, the girls are pretty damn attractive, there's a boob or two and a ton of cheesecake shots. The acting for the most part is spot on, save for the one guy who grunts after everything he says for no apparent reason. The effects and gore are pretty damn good, but minimal.

Stammeringly bizarre and chock full of nostalgic fun, Slumber Party Massacre 2 is an enjoyable romp that couldn't be any more 80's if Bruce Springsteen & Ronald Reagan showed up to stop the killer by challenging him to a Moonwalking contest.

[Groundhog]

Northmen - A Viking Saga - 4/10
Had some time to kill in Malaysia before our flight, so we caught this at the cinema. Started OK, but then wasted no time in squeezing every single cheesy period film stereotype in its 91 minutes runtime.

[Suicane75]

Slumber Party Massacre 3: 33 Out Of 100 Stars
SPM 3 is a standalone movie, ignoring the storyline from either of the first two movies, but borrowing liberally from the plot of the original. It also throws a child molestation storyline in just for good measure. Good, stupid, measure.

From 1990, Julies parents are gone for the weekend so she's gonna have a slumber party. The opening scene where they're playing volleyball on the beach is cheesy fun, I'll admit that much.

Once the film kicks into gear though, there's just too much going on. Besides the 6 or 7 girls, there are 3 boyfriends, a creepy neighbor, a dorky hanger on, another creepy kid following them around all day and a hunk who used to go to school with the kids. Just too many fucking characters and a silly attempt to build a mystery around who the actual killer is.

Just like the original, once they realize there's a killer in the house they can't figure out what to do. Never mind that there are at least 10 of them this time, they're still utterly confounded as to how to get help when they could all just, ya know, leave together. They try calling the police, but apparently the town only has one cop, and he both answers the phones and responds to them, and he just can't be bothered with a bunch of hysterical girls. Oy.

The chase scenes are laughable, but not much fun. The girls, for all their trying, can't figure out how to open a door or unlock anything.

The final 30 minutes are perplexing to say the least. The more shit that happens, the less and less effort is made to make anything look real. At one point an apartment wrestling video breaks out. Girls literally stand around for minutes watching the killer struggle with one of their half naked friends. There's fun cheese, and then there's cheese that's just so horribly insulting to your intelligence that it makes you want to put a drill through your own head.

The acting is wooden, the characters offer nothing that makes you care much about any of them and the killers motivations are silly. There's some T&A, but mostly it's just really obvious body doubles, including a shot of a girl whipping off her bra, we see a pair of boobs, and then in the next shot she's got her bra back on. Don't insult me like that you stupid movie.

Dumb in every way, Slumber Party Massacre 3 is a movie that knows what to do, but has no idea at all how to do it.


Summer Of Blood: 76 Out Of 100 Stars
An invigorating and refreshingly fun take on the vampire genre.

I can't really say enough good things about this movie. Written, directed by, and starring Onur Tukel, SOB is the story of Eric, a short, hairy, pretentious hipster, just breezing his way through life, annoying everyone who comes in contact with him. That is until a meeting in an alley changes his life forever.

Faced with a new existence, Eric begins to examine everything about the way he was and the way he is now, the good and the bad. Increased sexual prowess of course, but also what it means to be alive, to be in love, all that good shit. I'm making it sound really deep, and it is, but the movie handles all of these issues in a way that's not at all heavy handed. It never strays from the tone it sets in the films opening scene.

Tukel, is a one man tour de force, pretty much carries the movie as he's in just about every shot. The dialog is quick and snappy, at times it seems like he may even be riffing, but it never slows down. It's funny and crude, but endearing enough to tie it all together.

I'm fairly certain it was shot entirely in Brooklyn, and it really captures the look and atmosphere of the city wonderfully.

There are times when some of it can get a bit long winded, but the story is solid, and the performances are all excellent. The gore is good, but there's not a lot of it. That's OK though, this isn't that kind of movie.

I guess the highest praise I can give this movie, is that for all the clunkers I watch, sometimes I stumble upon something like this, a movie full of nobody I've ever heard, obviously shot on a low budget, but an absolute joy to watch that makes me want to share it with others.

[Suicane75]

Evil Feed: 72 Out Of 100 Stars
Based on a story by Ryan Nicholson, which I thankfully didn't see until the credits rolled, otherwise I may have just trashed this fucker, Evil Feed is best described as Kill Bill merged with Bloodsport, turned into a slapstick comedy about eating people.

Terry Chen is fantastic as Steven, A demented restauranteur who specializes in human cuisine. Without him the movie would still have it's moments, but he's the glue that holds this ambitious foray into blood, guts, titties and dick eating all together.

Besides it's menu, The Long Pig has other offerings, such as cage fights where you do not want to be the loser, live sex shows where you do not want to be the loser, and medical procedures where you do not want to be the loser. All of these are available to watch via closed circuit TV while you enjoy your meal.

The story begins when a local martial arts instructor is added to the menu. His students, including his daughter, find their way to the underground eatery and attempt to save their sensei.

Short on making any kind of sense, but filled with fighting, one liners, disembowelment, naked women, one liners, skinning alive, and one liners, Evil Feed is not afraid to throw everything at the wall. While it doesn't always hit it's mark, more than enough of it does to make it worth watching. How can you hate on a movie where sex is used as a way marinate the house special?

Outrageously ambitious, Evil Feed manages to serve up just as many laughs as it does body parts.

[Suicane75]

TerrorVision: 30 Out Of 100 Stars
Holy tomatoes! Goofier than the short bus, this fare from 1987 is about as camp as it gets. Playing every 80's stereotype to full hilt, TerrorVision is the story of monsters from an alien world somehow transmitted through space and into the Puttermans living room via their new satellite dish. Imagine a Sid & Marty Croft horror movie, and this is pretty much what you get.

A creature looking like a melted Jabba The Hut, mom and dad trying to have an orgy with a couple they just met. Big sister has more colors in her hair than a pack of crayons, her boyfriend dresses like RATT is too sophisticated for him. Grandpa has a bunker full of weapons and little Sherman can't convince anyone that a monster is eating everyone. Throw in a big boobed TV hostess for good measure.

Is it any good? I don't think so, but it's all so gosh darn silly that it's honestly hard to tell. It's not very scary, and the monsters are goofily bad, but the camp level is so high that it might be fun on that level. Didn't do much for me though.


Zombeavers: 80 Out Of 100 Stars
Well I'll be dammed! A mishap involving some toxic waste has some rather interesting results on the local wildlife population in this superbly written and acted sex comedy.

Jenns boyfriend has cheated on her, so her besties Zoe & Mary take her on a girls weekend away to a secluded lakeside cabin. They aren't there long before their boyfriends, and other predators, show up and start causing havoc.

30 seconds in you know you're in for a good time. The writing is crisp and funny and all the performances are top notch. Of course, being a film about zombie beavers, you know there's going to be gads of silliness, but the film takes itself just seriously enough for the chases and kills to be equally as engaging as the boobs and the sex.

While obviously a little more on the insane side, Zombeavers reminded a lot stylistically of the original Lake Placid. It's very well shot, looks good, and never feels at all claustrophobic, even though much of the action takes place in a small area. The effects, while obviously cheesy, work in that they fit the exact tone of the rest of the film

Surprisingly smart and wickedly clever, Zombeavers takes what could have easily been a one note joke and churns out an engaging and humorous romp about love, friendship, and the buck toothed undead.

[Suicane75]

Fields Of The Dead: 36 Out Of 100 Stars
I'll be honest, seeing an opening credit sequence that lists A Film By Daniel Iske, Director Of Photography Daniel Iske, Music By James Iske, Produced By Wendy Iske, gives me pause. It makes me think that Mr. Iske wanted to make a movie, so he got his brother to do the sound and his mom to pay for it. It doesn't exactly give me high hopes for the quality of what I'm about to see. Thankfully it's written by someone not named Iske.

As I anticipated, the budget is low and the acting is...well it's as good as it needs to be. The problem with the whole thing is that every aspect of the movie is only nearly competent. The story is not that engaging, and the majority of the cast is adequate. Thankfully, Melanie Gillis as Cheryl, who has to carry most of the dramatic moments, is good enough to do so. On the other end, Sarah Wald as Ashley, well let's just say she's very pretty. Most attempts at emotion seem to be a major task for this poor girl. Luckily, she's so bad that her performance turns into a bright spot and gives the film a level of unintended humor.

The story is sort of straight forward. Trent is doing his thesis on soil or some shit, and he and a bunch of friends are spending the week on an old farm in the middle of nowhere doing research and collecting soil samples or something. The bad news is that the land was home to an Indian, I mean Native American, slaughter some centuries ago. There's also something about a mother and a son and the son is illegitimate or something, I dunno. The mystery and the back story was a bit verbose and I honestly didn't give nearly as big a shit about it as the writer did.

The look is decent but it's clearly fairly amateurish. There are a few technical mishaps that should never happen, such as when a diary is discovered and some shots show it as handwritten, but then others show that it's clearly typed. This happens more than once.

The action and gore is decent and as good as it needs to be. I'm sensing a theme here. The girls are all attractive and scantily clad but there's no real nudity.

Not engaging enough of a story to overcome it's deficiencies, Fields Of The Dead isn't a horrible movie, but there's no reason to go out of your way to see it. Maybe replant and see if next years crop is any better.



My Bloody Valentine: 44 Out Of 100 Stars
From 1981, the town of Valentine Bluff has a Valentines killer who doesn't want there to be a Valentines Day Dance. If ever a town was in need of re branding, it's this one.

So 20 years ago there was an accident in the mines and 5 miners got trapped. Only Harry Warden survived, and when he was finally rescued he was eating his co-workers. From there he went on a rampage, apparently upset that the town went on with the Valentines day festivities while he was trapped below the earth eating people for dinner.

Since then the town has decided to forgo all Valentines day activities, because despite the fact that he was captured and locked up, Harry promised that if there was ever another Valentines day dance he'd come back and kill everyone.

But you can't stop progress, and gosh darn it the kids want their damn Valentines day dance. Now, when I say kids, I'm talking about a group of twenty somethings who all work in the mines, most of whom are rather strapping. But the film insists on constantly referring to them as kids.

Of course once the dance is announced and the balloons and paper hearts are hung all over town, and I do mean all over town. The set decoration may be a little overdone here. Once that's done, bad things start to happen to the townsfolk, and away we go. The sheriff and the mayor, both of whom look like they've been smoking about 10 years longer than they've been alive, they don't want to scare the town, so they come up with an excuse to cancel the festivities while they try and figure out what's going on. The kids will have none of it however, and they plan their own secret party down at the mines.

As if all of this wasn't enough, we also have a soap opera going on as TJ and Axel, two old friends, are battling for the heart of Sarah. TJ left town sometime back to make it in L.A., what that means I have no idea, but whatever he was trying to do, he failed. When he left he broke Sarahs heart, so she hooked up with Axel. But now TJ is back and he wants his girl. The two men argue over her as if she were couch. Most of her say in the matter is reduced to being manhandled and told how much each guy loves her while she hems and haws and spends most of the damn movie never making a damn decision.

The kills are pretty fun and innovative, I'll give it that much. The setup isn't bad at all either, it's the films rather ponderous third act that really drags it down. A room full of 6'2, 220lb men realize there's a killer on the loose and immediately scatter back into town to get the middle aged, 150lb sheriff. This leaves only TJ and Axel to go down into the mines where some of their friends have decided to go for a little fun. The final chase scene goes on for what feels like forever while trying to build a twist that you see coming from a mile away, even in a dark abandoned mine.

It's not awful, but there are better movies you could choo-choo-choose to be your Valentine.

[Suicane75]

After Midnight: 10 Out Of 100 Stars
Sweet lord! It's hard to make fun of such a retarded movie. I mean that literally. Like, this movie is retarded, and thus I don't want to make fun of it. Going in I thought this was a horror movie. Turns out it's a Skinemax type flick. There is however, a great deal about this film that's horrific.

There obviously exists a world in which movies like this get produced and made, but I really don't want to know anything about that world. It's got to be the saddest place on earth.

Catherine Annette stars as Constance, a television anchor whose stripper sister has just been murdered. She finds out about her sisters murder by reading the news story live on air. The entire news crew consists of her, the guy behind the camera, and a producer. This is supposed to be a major L.A. station by the way. I realize I'm over thinking the shittyness of this, but for Christ sakes man. Constance takes it upon herself to find out what happened by going undercover as a stripper herself. This displeases her producer, the creepy & chubby John. It also displeases her doctor/sponsor/counselor, played by the ghost of Richard Grieco, who has somehow morphed into a more weathered version of Jeff Goldblum.

So Constance starts dancing at the club, which leads to lots of scenes involving the strippers whom I'd be willing to bet are actually more adept at stripping than they are acting. Though to be fair to them, NOBODY in this movie is what I would call competent in the field of acting.

The mystery of who killed Constances sister slowly unfolds in a script that's not even on the level of the worst daytime soap operas. The more and more people get killed, the less and less anyone left alive seems to be bothered by any of it. This includes Tawny Kitaen as the clubs owner, wearing about a pound of makeup for every year since she's been relevant. There's also Constances other sister, who was left brain damaged in some way. It's never really explained, she just sits in a wheel chair in what is supposed to be a hospital room but looks more like the spare bedroom at your Uncles place.

Boobies are all over the place, but just like everything else in the movie they aren't quite the highest caliber of girls. Lots of plastic and a few miles of foundation.

I thought Life Itself was the saddest movie I would watch this year. Turns out I was wrong.

[Suicane75]

Spookies: 60 Out Of 100 Stars
From 1986, Spookies is filled with cheesy makeup, horrible puppetry, and stupid characters, but it's so endearingly silly that I couldn't help but enjoy the nonsense.

A group of adults, not even teenagers, but full grown adults, are looking for a place to party. The old abandoned house in the middle of a grave yard looks like as good a place as any. Sure, why not? Bad news for them though, because some old demon or some shit is living here, waiting to collect souls to help him revive his bride. Something like that.

Among the party goers is Duke, an Italian guy who even the producers of Jersey Shore would probably consider too over the top.

Once inside the house, the movie lets loose an abundance of silly creatures on it's unsuspecting guests. An Asian spider lady, flatulent floor monsters, various animatronic goblins, and some elf dude dressed like the MC at Catch A Rising Star.

A monstrously silly camp fest, Creepies reminded me of the kind of movie a 9 year old me would have loved, and as such I enjoyed it immensely, ymmv though.


Werewolf Rising: 28 Out Of 100 Stars
A rather horrendous overall film with the following caveat. Of the movies 72 minute run time, only the final 20 minutes are worth watching. But son of a bitch is it realllly worth watching.

The first hour or so of the movie is spent watching Emma come home to her families secluded mountain cabin, watching Emma ride an ATV, watching Emma lounge around, watching Emma flirt with an escaped convict, watching Emma try to fend off advances from her creepy Uncle. There's a lot of Emma watching. Oh yeah, and there's a werewolf lurking about in them there woods. At least it's supposed to be a werewolf, could just be that the local custom shop got burglarized.

Melissa Carnell as Emma is in way over her head here, but the film does her no favors at all. The writing is sub par, the pacing is tedious, the effects leave a great deal to be desired, it's all just really low budget.

All that being said, in the final 20 minutes a guy by the name of Bill Oberst shows up, along with an actual script. Maybe I was just bored out of my mind and waiting for anything to happen, but the twists, turns and general story of the films third act really drew me in.

I can't in good conscience suggest anyone sit through Werewolf Rising, but at least the payoff is worth it.

[Suicane75]

The Hearse: 58 Out Of 100 Stars
Atmospheric if a bit lengthy, The Hearse is the story of a woman who inherits the house where her Aunt died some 30 years ago.

Much more of a psychological thriller than a slasher film, it has ambiance coming out the ass. The film is visually very dark, which serves the mood perfectly. Trish Van Devere is fetching as the tormented lead and does a fine job carrying the movie.

If you're looking for a middle of the night spook out, The Hearse will serve you just fine.

[Julio Riddols]

I think I will be giving Zombeavers a look soon.

[Suicane75]

It really is quite good.

[Kodos]

Is it on Netflix?

[chinaski]

Watched the Zombeavers, and it was totally stupid - therefore I liked it. 6/10.

Its not on Netflix, I got a copy via nefarious means

[Suicane75]

The Taking Of Deborah Logan: 42 Out Of 100 Stars
Another shitty found footage movie. The premise of this one is that a film crew from a local college wants to do a documentary on the affects of Alzheimers. There subject is Deborah Logan, a woman in the early stages of the disease. So they set up camp at her house where she lives with her daughter and wouldn't you know it, supernatural shit starts to happen.

My issue with this movie is the same issue I have with most of these types of movies, and that is that the story being told would be served so much better without the stupid fucking gimmick. At a point it gets beyond silly that there are cameras everywhere and the every time something happens they can't help but pick up a camera, no matter how scared or frightened they are. By the time the 10th weird thing happens to Deborah Logan you'd think there would be more important things to do than film her every move. The cameras in the hospital are the ridiculous icing on the retarded cake.

My other issue is that the characters in these movies never act real. They always, this one included, act the furthest thing from real. Lots of hyper screaming and cursing is a script direction, not realism. I fucking hate it with a passion.

Now for the good. Jill Larson is fantastic as the titular character, but then again she's also the only one in the movie unbound by the stupid convention of having to constantly acknowledge the camera. The gore and the creep factor are also really strong.

I really wanted to like this movie, especially the third act. But by the time the final scenes roll around and the only light they have available is the one on the camera, my fists were too clenched to applaud.

All this being said, if the genre doesn't inherently make you want to set your pubes on fire in the hope of sweet release, you'll probably enjoy this movie a lot.

[NobodyHere]

Where do you find these movies?

[sabotai]

The Avengers - 3/10

I think I've gotten a serious case of "being a cynical asshole" because it seems like everyone ranks this highly on their list of comic book movies, and I thought it sucked. The dialogue was just fucking awful. Joss Whedon is known for having a lot of witty banter in his movies and TV shows, but this was way over the top. It felt like 50% of the lines in this movie were attempts to be clever and funny, and the other 50% were the obvious set ups. Did Whedon outsource this to a shitty sitcom writer, because this was borderline parody type material.

Spoiler

And I guess a lot of it has to do with the influence of TV shows like Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, The Wire....shows where people fucking die. When you have a movie with a half dozen heroes and and a half dozen support good guys and the only one who actually dies is the equivalent of a Star Trek redshirt...there's just no suspense. OF COURSE Iron Man falls through the portal at the last fucking split second. Of course he does...there was never any doubt. There was absolutely nothing suspenseful about this movie. At all. It was the equivalent of a pro wrestling jobber match. It was The Ultimate Warrior vs. The Brooklyn Brawler, and it went on for 2 and half hours.

[Suicane75]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

Where do you find these movies?

Most of them are actually major distribution releases.

[Suicane75]

Bigfoot Wars: 20 Out Of 100 Stars
I so badly want a good Bigfoot movie, so I'll watch anything Bigfoot related. Unfortunately I still haven't see on that's come close to good.

Bigfoot Wars is a horrendously written, sloppily edited, low budget, rape of the senses about a coven of Sasquatches who are stealing a small towns women in order to impregnate them. Yeah.

Holt Boggs stars as the Sheriff with a dark past. We know he's got a dark past because of flashbacks and the ridiculous voice overs we get the whole movie of him waxing poetic about life, the universe, yadda yadda. Imagine if Toxic Avenger had random audio of someone reading Tolstoy all throughout the movie. Actually that sounds infinitely funnier than this ends up being.

Anyway, the Sheriffs cunt of a daughter gets kidnapped by these redneck yeti in the middle of a drive in, in a scene that is somehow not played for laughs, but rather expects the viewer to take it seriously, and it's time for the Sheriff to get a posse together to go hunt some bigfeets.

This is when C. Thomas Howell shows up, he plays the Don of the redneck mafia. I wish I was making this shit up. Anyway, despite all the trouble he's had with the law over the years, his daughter was also abducted by the Rapesquatches, and he insists on leading the lawmen into the woods to help find the missing girls. But before they get going, actually before, during and after they get going, he goes on long shaman like tangents about nature and philosophy and oh my god my brain is bleeding. His performance is good, but the material is sooooo fucking stupid. Anyway, that's as much of the story as you need to know, except that there's also a news reporter and her camera man out in the woods and the two parties meet up and it's all so horrible. Oh yeah, Judd Nelson plays a doctor in a bunch of scenes that looked like they were filmed in a day or so. I hope like hell the people who made this movie went broke paying him.

The bigfoot costumes are so bad. I mean soooooooooo bad. The effects are awful. Most of the time anything gets clawed or shot or chopped up, the camera cuts away right before impact and then cuts back. The audio is shitty, half the time the bass is so high that it distorts the sound, the other half of the time it just isn't there. Nothing like seeing a bigfoot hand swiping, having the camera cut away, not hearing anything, then cutting back to see someone laying on the ground with a claw mark on their chest. It's just so fucking low rent. Oh, and the Kid Rock knockoff soundtrack is almost as painful to listen to as the movie is to watch.

The most impressive thing about this movie is that it was able to pay its stars. Still, Judd Nelson & C. Thomas Howell should both really be ashamed of themselves.

[chinaski]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Bigfoot Wars: 20 Out Of 100 Stars
I so badly want a good Bigfoot movie, so I'll watch anything Bigfoot related. Unfortunately I still haven't see on that's come close to good.

Bigfoot Wars is a horrendously written, sloppily edited, low budget, rape of the senses about a coven of Sasquatches who are stealing a small towns women in order to impregnate them. Yeah.

Holt Boggs stars as the Sheriff with a dark past. We know he's got a dark past because of flashbacks and the ridiculous voice overs we get the whole movie of him waxing poetic about life, the universe, yadda yadda. Imagine if Toxic Avenger had random audio of someone reading Tolstoy all throughout the movie. Actually that sounds infinitely funnier than this ends up being.

Anyway, the Sheriffs cunt of a daughter gets kidnapped by these redneck yeti in the middle of a drive in, in a scene that is somehow not played for laughs, but rather expects the viewer to take it seriously, and it's time for the Sheriff to get a posse together to go hunt some bigfeets.

This is when C. Thomas Howell shows up, he plays the Don of the redneck mafia. I wish I was making this shit up. Anyway, despite all the trouble he's had with the law over the years, his daughter was also abducted by the Rapesquatches, and he insists on leading the lawmen into the woods to help find the missing girls. But before they get going, actually before, during and after they get going, he goes on long shaman like tangents about nature and philosophy and oh my god my brain is bleeding. His performance is good, but the material is sooooo fucking stupid. Anyway, that's as much of the story as you need to know, except that there's also a news reporter and her camera man out in the woods and the two parties meet up and it's all so horrible. Oh yeah, Judd Nelson plays a doctor in a bunch of scenes that looked like they were filmed in a day or so. I hope like hell the people who made this movie went broke paying him.

The bigfoot costumes are so bad. I mean soooooooooo bad. The effects are awful. Most of the time anything gets clawed or shot or chopped up, the camera cuts away right before impact and then cuts back. The audio is shitty, half the time the bass is so high that it distorts the sound, the other half of the time it just isn't there. Nothing like seeing a bigfoot hand swiping, having the camera cut away, not hearing anything, then cutting back to see someone laying on the ground with a claw mark on their chest. It's just so fucking low rent. Oh, and the Kid Rock knockoff soundtrack is almost as painful to listen to as the movie is to watch.

The most impressive thing about this movie is that it was able to pay its stars. Still, Judd Nelson & C. Thomas Howell should both really be ashamed of themselves.

Seen Willow Creek yet? I thought it was much better than its IMDB score.
Willow Creek (2013) - IMDb

[Julio Riddols]

Originally Posted by chinaski

Seen Willow Creek yet? I thought it was much better than its IMDB score.
Willow Creek (2013) - IMDb

Bobcat Goldthwait has been making above average films for a while now, Willow Creek is his latest.

I also have to admit I learned something today. A group of sasquatches is called a coven.

[chinaski]

Originally Posted by Julio Riddols

Bobcat Goldthwait has been making above average films for a while now, Willow Creek is his latest.

I also have to admit I learned something today. A group of sasquatches is called a coven.

Love Bobcat, seen all of his films (dir & actor). I hope he tries horror some more.

[Suicane75]

Originally Posted by chinaski

Seen Willow Creek yet? I thought it was much better than its IMDB score.
Willow Creek (2013) - IMDb

I haven't, but I will be watching it soon.

[Suicane75]

April Fools Day: 75 Out Of 100 Stars
Hold the friggin phone. How had I never heard of this little gem?

From 1986, April Fools Day is the story of a bunch of friends invited to the island estate of their pal Muffy, played brilliantly by Deborah Foreman, who for a short time in the 80's was probably close to A-list. Horror fans might also recognize Amy Steel, who played Ginny in Friday The 13th II. While her acting skills aren't quite as on display here in a secondary role as they were in that film, she certainly shines. Girl looks good.

Filled with humor, but not exactly a comedy, AFD has all the charm of an 80's slasher but is not at all dated. The cast is perfect, the writing superb, and more importantly, the script knows exactly when to transition from fun to frightening. The tension level never gets quite to where it needs to be, but that's OK because the kills, while not gory, are pretty inventive.

A forgotten or underrated gem, April Fools Day is damn fine fun. And that's no joke.

[Suicane75]

Housebound: 90 Out Of 100 Stars
Easily one of the best movies I've ever had the pleasure to watch.

From New Zealand, this deliciously wicked film never takes its foot off the pedal, adding layer upon layer of fun, blood and wit.

Morgana O'Reilly stars as Kylie, a young girl with a major chip on her shoulder and a rap sheet just as big. As if being sentenced to 8 months of house arrest under the supervision of her mother wasn't bad enough, it doesn't take long for Kylie to suspect that there may be other, other worldly reasons to want to get the hell out of dodge.

About the script I'll say no more, to give anything more away would be a disservice to the joy of watching this film develop.

Even at 1:48 the film never drags, in fact it's got so many twists and turns, zigs and zags, just when you think you've got it figured out, they add a new layer of awesome. But it all makes perfect sense in the end. Funny, crude, gross, tense, dramatic, smart, wicked, clever, I love my adjectives yes, but when a film can coherently combine all these elements on top of telling a honed story, it deserves all the love I can give it.

Watch it. WATCH IT!

[Julio Riddols]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Housebound: 90 Out Of 100 Stars
Easily one of the best movies I've ever had the pleasure to watch.

From New Zealand, this deliciously wicked film never takes its foot off the pedal, adding layer upon layer of fun, blood and wit.

Morgana O'Reilly stars as Kylie, a young girl with a major chip on her shoulder and a rap sheet just as big. As if being sentenced to 8 months of house arrest under the supervision of her mother wasn't bad enough, it doesn't take long for Kylie to suspect that there may be other, other worldly reasons to want to get the hell out of dodge.

About the script I'll say no more, to give anything more away would be a disservice to the joy of watching this film develop.

Even at 1:48 the film never drags, in fact it's got so many twists and turns, zigs and zags, just when you think you've got it figured out, they add a new layer of awesome. But it all makes perfect sense in the end. Funny, crude, gross, tense, dramatic, smart, wicked, clever, I love my adjectives yes, but when a film can coherently combine all these elements on top of telling a honed story, it deserves all the love I can give it.

Watch it. WATCH IT!

Just grabbed this up last week. I'll watch it today probably.

Last night I watched Coherence. 7/10

It is a solidly made indie suspense film with sci-fi elements. A group of friends show up as a dinner party the night a large comet is supposed to pass near earth. Some way into the party, the lights go out. They notice down the street there is a house that still has power. A few of them go to investigate and that's when things get interesting.

The movie does a good job of building suspense and intrigue without much in the way of effects, and in the end it brings up a lot of interesting questions. I would recommend it to fans of movies like Primer. Overall a very good film IMO.

I also watched Wetlands, an off beat german (I think its german) film about a girl with some... interesting quirks.

We're talking about some stuff that will gross many people way the fuck out, but for a deviant minded weirdo like me, this movie was pretty entertaining. It is just out there, quite gross, and quite intriguing all at the same time. I thought the lead actress did a great job making her character believable, because I could almost picture her doing this kind of stuff in real life. I don;t want to say much, but if you decide to watch it, just know going in that it starts right out of the gate with some seriously gross visuals. Do NOT try to eat and watch this.

[Julio Riddols]

Hey Suicane, have you seen The Loved Ones yet?

Highly recommended if you haven't. A great Aussie horror, so satisfying.

[korme]

Saw Nightcrawler.

It was ok. Wish I liked it more.

[revrew]

Nightcrawler: 7/10 Jake Gyllenhaal is brilliant (like Oscar nom brilliant) in this movie, which is surprisingly original and clever. It has a slow-building crescendo, but the climactic car chase scene at the end is one of the most riveting I've ever seen on film, and really just frosting, because this is certainly a more intellectual than action film.

What the story is missing, however, is any sort of feel-good takeaway for the moviegoer. The movie is a bit dark, a cautionary tale, and while excellent artistically, isn't really a homerun entertainment wise. It also sports some pretty trite leftist talking points, which detracts from the story and sort of insults the audience.

Summary: Enjoy this if you're a movie buff - the artistry is solid and Gyllanhaal is really impressive - but if you're just looking for a good movie to enjoy on a Friday night, you'd be better off going elsewhere.

[chinaski]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Housebound: 90 Out Of 100 Stars
Easily one of the best movies I've ever had the pleasure to watch.

From New Zealand, this deliciously wicked film never takes its foot off the pedal, adding layer upon layer of fun, blood and wit.

Morgana O'Reilly stars as Kylie, a young girl with a major chip on her shoulder and a rap sheet just as big. As if being sentenced to 8 months of house arrest under the supervision of her mother wasn't bad enough, it doesn't take long for Kylie to suspect that there may be other, other worldly reasons to want to get the hell out of dodge.

About the script I'll say no more, to give anything more away would be a disservice to the joy of watching this film develop.

Even at 1:48 the film never drags, in fact it's got so many twists and turns, zigs and zags, just when you think you've got it figured out, they add a new layer of awesome. But it all makes perfect sense in the end. Funny, crude, gross, tense, dramatic, smart, wicked, clever, I love my adjectives yes, but when a film can coherently combine all these elements on top of telling a honed story, it deserves all the love I can give it.

Watch it. WATCH IT!

Just finished it on your rec. Hahaha, holy shit, this was outstanding! Tempted to watch it again right now.

[Suicane75]

Originally Posted by chinaski

Just finished it on your rec. Hahaha, holy shit, this was outstanding! Tempted to watch it again right now.

Awesome. As soon as it was over, the first thought that popped in my head was, how soon can I re watch this with someone. It really is that good.

[Suicane75]

Will be adding The Loved Ones, Coherence and Wetlands to my watch list.

[chinaski]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Awesome. As soon as it was over, the first thought that popped in my head was, how soon can I re watch this with someone. It really is that good.

hahah exactly. I decided to wait and watch it again with my girlfriend later tonight.

[Suicane75]

Willow Creek: 68 Out Of 100 Stars
OK, here's the thing. I think in order for the final 40 minutes to be effective, you have to watch the first 40 minutes. The problem is that the first 40 minutes will possibly may make you want to gauge your eyes out out of boredom. I fully understand the method of building to the climactic scenes, but it didn't make it any less tedious. All that being said, the last half of Willow Creek is legitimately frightening as hell. No gimmicks, no tricks, just two people alone in the woods with a camera and...something else.

The story is very simple and the whole movie is of the found footage variety. Jim and his girlfriend Kelly are doing a documentary of sorts on the bigfoot legend. Willow Creek is where the famed Patterson footage, that just about everyone has seen, was shot. The entire first half of the movie is them on their way to the famed site, eating lunch at a bigfoot themed roadside joint, staying at the bigfoot themed motel, talking to various people about the bigfoot legend. It goes on and on, and even as someone who loves bigfoot lore, it was more than enough. None of it is overly interesting, and while the characters themselves don't act quite as douchey as most found footage characters do, there was nothing about them that made me care all that much about their journey.

If you can get through all the preliminary shit, and that's a big if, because I nearly turned it off a few times myself. But if you can get through all of it, you will more than be rewarded. Once they arrive at their camping destination, things really take off as far as the tension and fright levels go.

Imagine you meet a girl. You know at some point in the evening you're going to have some of the most enjoyable sex you've ever had. But you also know you're going to have listen to her babble on for quite a while about her sister, her co-workers, what someone wrote on facebook, yadda yadda. This is the cinematic equivalent of that scenario.

[Suicane75]

Coherence: 72 Out Of 100 Stars

At times wildly intriguing and a true mind fuck, Coherence is the story of a dinner party that takes place during a comets pass by earth. Little by little, strange things start to happen. Eventually the strange things aren't so little anymore, and while the movie tries to take great care to explain everything, it does at times collapse under the weight and gravitas of its premise. I give it credit though, despite a few leaps of logic and some insanely twisty ideas, it's never not interesting.

Initially the characters don't exactly draw you in. The first 20 minutes or so is like being stuck in a room of yuppies and kind of wanting out. But once the story gets going, it's the board more than the pieces that matter. In the end, the film slyly builds the most important characters to it's conclusion without ever losing focus on the group as whole.

Not as quite clever as it tries to be, but very good none the less, Coherence will keep you guessing, and more importantly, wanting to guess, right up to the end.

[Julio Riddols]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Coherence: 72 Out Of 100 Stars

At times wildly intriguing and a true mind fuck, Coherence is the story of a dinner party that takes place during a comets pass by earth. Little by little, strange things start to happen. Eventually the strange things aren't so little anymore, and while the movie tries to take great care to explain everything, it does at times collapse under the weight and gravitas of its premise. I give it credit though, despite a few leaps of logic and some insanely twisty ideas, it's never not interesting.

Initially the characters don't exactly draw you in. The first 20 minutes or so is like being stuck in a room of yuppies and kind of wanting out. But once the story gets going, it's the board more than the pieces that matter. In the end, the film slyly builds the most important characters to it's conclusion without ever losing focus on the group as whole.

Not as quite clever as it tries to be, but very good none the less, Coherence will keep you guessing, and more importantly, wanting to guess, right up to the end.

That about sums up my take.

[Suicane75]

Yeah, at first I was like, this is gonna be fun to figure out. But then it got to the point where there really was no figuring it out. Just go along for the ride.

[Suicane75]

The Loved Ones: 70 Out Of 100 Stars
Sort of an Australian Texas Chainsaw Massacre for the teenage crowd, but with a surprising amount of emotional investment.

Not your typical slash fest, The Loved Ones is certainly a bit bat shit crazy, but it does an excellent job at treating the victims as more than fodder. These aren't just characters that can be killed off with no repercussions to the people around them.

The rather innocuous setup occurs when Brent, still trying to cope with his fathers death, turns down Lolas invitation to the school dance. Lola is not at all stable, and it turns out her dad is even less so. From there it could have easily devolved into a more generic gore fest, and while there is a ton of stomach turning gore, the movie isn't content to leave it at that. There is a side story that takes a while to understand the exact point of, but a subtle reveal helps tie it to the overall narrative nicely.

An ambitious film that delivers blood and guts in spades, but succeeds in being about so much more thanks in no small part to the subtly strong performances of the secondary characters.

[Suicane75]

Wetlands: 22 Out Of 100 Stars
Just your run of the mill German film about hemorrhoids, guys jerking off on pizzas, girls trading used tampons and wiping the residue on themselves, anal leakage, having sex with vegetables and making a girls desire for her divorced parents to get back together seem like the most existential thing ever. The only thing missing is farting and puppies. Whoops, I forgot, the farting is in there too.

The story, when we're not focusing on all the poop and pee and blood, is about a young girl and how her parents getting divorced messed her up. Or something like that. I don't honestly know. Her little brother may have been baked in an over or some shit. I think all the gross stuff is supposed to be like, hey, this is real life. But...I already know that. Believe me you, I am no stranger to the curse of the hemorrhoid. I could write a soliloquy on hemorrhoids, but that wouldn't make it art or artistic or really be in any way interesting to much of anyone else.

If you wanna watch a gross chick have mental issues while her asshole leaks, then this is the movie for you.

[NobodyHere]

I still think someone launched Suicane up into space and forces him to watch bad movies.

[Julio Riddols]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Wetlands: 22 Out Of 100 Stars
Just your run of the mill German film about hemorrhoids, guys jerking off on pizzas, girls trading used tampons and wiping the residue on themselves, anal leakage, having sex with vegetables and making a girls desire for her divorced parents to get back together seem like the most existential thing ever. The only thing missing is farting and puppies. Whoops, I forgot, the farting is in there too.

The story, when we're not focusing on all the poop and pee and blood, is about a young girl and how her parents getting divorced messed her up. Or something like that. I don't honestly know. Her little brother may have been baked in an over or some shit. I think all the gross stuff is supposed to be like, hey, this is real life. But...I already know that. Believe me you, I am no stranger to the curse of the hemorrhoid. I could write a soliloquy on hemorrhoids, but that wouldn't make it art or artistic or really be in any way interesting to much of anyone else.

If you wanna watch a gross chick have mental issues while her asshole leaks, then this is the movie for you.

One of the best reviews yet, hahaha.. It was an absolute weirdo of a movie. I think I liked it, but I am still not sure.. Reminded me of some of those old Gregg Araki films.

[Suicane75]

Originally Posted by Julio Riddols

One of the best reviews yet, hahaha.. It was an absolute weirdo of a movie. I think I liked it, but I am still not sure.. Reminded me of some of those old Gregg Araki films.

I completely forgot about the date or whatever that was, that bloomed in her lady parts. I thought that would have something to do with something. But then it didn't. I don't think.

[Suicane75]

Humongous: 36 Out Of 100 Stars
Astoundingly derivative and completely lacking in both production quality and acting ability, the only good thing about 1982's Humongous are that its climactic scenes are filled with spooky atmosphere, which can probably be chalked up to luck more than anything else.

We open sometime in the late 1940's where a rich family who lives on a small island is having a party of some sort. The daughter is being pretty well molested by a drunken suitor, and instead of just turning around and saying "hey, could someone get this drunkard off of me", to any one of the dozens of party goers, she instead runs helplessly into the woods where he proceeds to have his way with her. Now of course rape is never funny, but this scene is the first heads up that the quality of this movie might not be quite up to par. The audio is clearly post production, and to say that it is laughable would be a mild understatement. Imagine being in one room, while in the room to your left a man is struggling to lift very heavy boxes, and in the room to your right a woman is standing on a chair screeching at a mouse on the floor. That's an kind of what this scene sounds like.

Fast forward to today when the cast of Scooby Doo, siblings Eric (Fred), Nick (Shaggy), and Carla (Velma), along with 2 female friends (Daphne & I dunno, they just needed another pair of boobs I guess), are about to engage on a boating trip to somewhere. The acting is so bad that a lot of the dialog has to be dubbed over in post production.

The script gives the characters about as much depth as most porno movies give their characters. After dropping anchor and deciding to wait till morning to navigate the lakes channels, Nick decides that he doesn't want to wait till morning, or he wants to drive a boat, or something stupid. He and his brother Eric fight at the boats helm while Nick proclaims "I got as much right as you" and "you're not the only one who can do things", all of this is interspersed with thrilling shots of a boat wheel turning. So of course Nick crashes the boat, which causes it to explode. The stunt budget for this explosion had to have been in the tens of dollars.

Once on the island, the group is obviously picked off in usual horror movie fashion, only we really don't to see any of the kills. That boat blowing up must have really wiped out their budget. The action doesn't even try to be good. Poor Nick forgoes the usual trope of falling while running and instead ops for the less exhaustive falling while standing perfectly still.

The characters that don't die find an abandoned house, and some clues, which they use to explain the plot in meticulous detail, in case this rivetingly intricate mystery went over the viewers head.

The ending sequence is not bad, but that's mainly due to its liberal borrowing from the main plot point of Friday The 13th Part 2, and the fact that a lot of it is very darkly shot. Still, the psychopath at times sounds more like a fat man being denied pork chops than a maniacal killer, but what can ya do.

Worth a watch for comedic purposes and the somewhat intriguing final act, but that's about it. The only thing Humongous about this movie is its incompetence.

[sabotai]

Silver Linings Playbook - 6/10

I really liked the first 2/3rds of this movie. It was going great. I loved the characters Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper were playing, Robert De Niro was great too. The foobtall OCD stuff was hilarious. It was a good, solid 7, maybe an 8 if it really stuck the landing.

It didn't.

I remember someone saying something along the lines of "It's not the average Hollywood rom-com, until it is". Pretty much nailed it. About 2/3rds in, it starts hitting all of the cliche, paint-by-numbers rom-com plot points and scenes all the way to very end. Disappointing third act to what was shaping up to be a pretty damned good movie.

[Suicane75]

E.T.X.R.: 15 Out Of 100 Stars
So the hook of this movie, what got me to watch it, is that a DJ comes into possession of a telescope, the schematics of which were initially developed by Nikola Tesla. At which point strange things start to happen. Now even though I'd probably be willing to let another man make love to my face before I'd listen to an hour techno music, you namedrop Tesla and I'm willing to give it a chance.

That I was able to sit through the entire 77 minutes of this thing makes me kind of proud. It's like I now know that I can deal with just about anything that comes my way, I'll give it that much credit.

So Bix The Bug is a DJ who wears a giant helmet with antennas on it, and he DJ's and shit. One day an old friend from MIT shows up and informs him that he's built this telescope and he's receiving sound signals that he can't figure out on it. So Bix takes the telescope and starts using it at his shows, all of which last approximately 30 seconds and feature annoying video and audio distortion that make the movie look like you're watching it on a TV from 1983, in a rainstorm, on acid.

There's liberal plot lifting from Back To The Future and 2001, but the movie doesn't feel like anything more than an outline of an idea. Despite being a movie about a Tesla telescope that picks up weird signals from space, the movie is roughly as scientific as my pubes. It never goes into depth about a single plot point, or any of its characters. Every single thing that happens in the movie might as well not happen, because once it's done, everyone just moves on anyway with no repercussion.

About the only thing good I can say about E.T.X.R. is that it looks good when it's trying to look like an actual movie and that the actors have presence. Other than that it's just a big a pile of visual and aural nonsense that thinks it's saying something profound, when it not only doesn't have a thing to say, but doesn't show the slightest bit of acumen in conveying it if it did.

[Suicane75]

Nymph: 22 Out Of 100 Stars
Good gravy. Nymph starts out pedantic enough, a couple of chicks are meeting up with an old college buddy and his fiance somewhere in the Mediterranean. They hang out, drink, dance, bone, throw up, the usual stuff. Then they head out for a deserted island that houses a deserted prison and run into a mystical fish lady and the salty old sailor she controls with her mind.

Of course it sounds dumb, but the movie is actually very beautiful, and the actors equally so. There's even a stretch where as a standard slash and chase movie it's not all that bad. But then it proceeds to spend the final half hour getting sillier and sillier to the point where you want to put a grappling hook into your head. There are some strange edits as well where it seems that most of the action on land was shot on a cheap ass video camera. It appears as if maybe extra footage was shot to tie the story together, which would make sense considering a good deal of time is spent on an old man explaining things in great detail while some of the stuff brought up earlier in the film gets completely ignored.

Despite a slight glimpse of promise, Nymph falls way, way, way off the cliff, and then gets eaten by a maniacal tuna fish.

[Suicane75]

Haunter: 76 Out Of 100 Stars
There are times during Haunter when the movie feels like it's trying to do way too much, but it somehow always manages to work its way of its constant twists and turns and end up in a better place than it seems like it will. Even the final sequence delivers a punch above and beyond where you think it's going. A very satisfying punch.

Abigail Breslin does a wonderful job carrying the film as Lisa, a girl who we quickly realize, realizes that something just isn't right in her house. The opening moments might have you feeling like this is gonna be a bit of a quirky little horror film, but it gets very dark. The tone deftly develops slowly over the course of the film and constantly adds new layers and information. The script is tight, but it definitely walks a tight rope and narrowly manages to avoid getting away from itself multiple times. Still, even in those moments there is excitement in watching it reel itself back in.

A clever mystery wrapped up in a rather horrific ball, helmed expertly by the young Breslin. Haunter is about as pleasurable and satisfying an experience as a film about mass murder can be.

[korme]

This is Oscar movie season. Are we going to see any Oscar movie reviews, or has this thread been fully hi-jacked by B-list shit?

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Mena Suvari of American Beauty fame gets top billing alongside Brian Austin Green, but believe it or not, and I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around this, it's Green who carries the film. His performance is quite good and helps center things when Zack Wards overacting could have drug the whole thing down.

Catching up on some old reviews, but I said that same thing about when he was in Sarah Connor Chronicles. Then again, every time I see Richard T. Jones guest starring somewhere or commercials for whatever that sitcom with Garret Dillahunt (which just seems weird) or even think about that show, I get mad. It was excellent and I wish it has been made on SyFy rather than Fox because it could have found a large enough audience there and the writing was slick enough that they didn't need good effect to make a good show.

SI

[Suicane75]

Well excuuuuuuuuuseeeeeee me.