Rate The Last Movie You Watched

[Suicane75]

Sanitarium: 57 Out Of 100 Stars
Three tales of mental unbalance loosely tied together by Narrator Malcolm McDowell as the head head doctor.

The first one is a completely skippable tale of an artist who makes paper mache doll art. The dolls start talking to him, his advisers may be plotting against him and I didn't give much of a fuck for any of it.

The second story is a little better. This one features Chris Mulkey as a fucked up father that makes his American Beauty character look like a friggin Saint. Lacey Chabert is also in this one as the teacher of Mulkeys son and well, I mean look at her, just look at her. The story itself takes a while to get going and the subject matter is pretty disturbing but it's good.

Story number three stars Lou Diamond Phillips as a Professor who goes mad thinking the world is about to end. Phillips is absolutely fantastic in this, the films longest segment.

Skip the first segment and instead focus on the final two. They all play independently enough of each other that you wont miss anything important.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Well excuuuuuuuuuseeeeeee me.

(I was agreeing with you, I think)

SI

[Kodos]

Originally Posted by korme

This is Oscar movie season. Are we going to see any Oscar movie reviews, or has this thread been fully hi-jacked by B-list shit?

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Well excuuuuuuuuuseeeeeee me.

For what it's worth, Suicane's reviews are the best part of this thread.

[Matthean]

Originally Posted by korme

This is Oscar movie season. Are we going to see any Oscar movie reviews, or has this thread been fully hi-jacked by B-list shit?

You go first.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Kodos

For what it's worth, Suicane's reviews are the best part of this thread.

It's the only reason I read this thread

EDIT: Maybe not only but it's like 95%, at least

SI

[Suicane75]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

(I was agreeing with you, I think)

SI

Hah, no I was replying to Shorty. But yeah, Green is pretty good in just about everything I see him in, but I still get surprised.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

Catching up on some old reviews, but I said that same thing about when he was in Sarah Connor Chronicles. Then again, every time I see Richard T. Jones guest starring somewhere or commercials for whatever that sitcom with Garret Dillahunt (which just seems weird) or even think about that show, I get mad. It was excellent and I wish it has been made on SyFy rather than Fox because it could have found a large enough audience there and the writing was slick enough that they didn't need good effect to make a good show.

SI

Totally agree.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Hah, no I was replying to Shorty. But yeah, Green is pretty good in just about everything I see him in, but I still get surprised.

I hadn't seen him in years and I was stunned. He was chewing a significant portion of the scenery in the second season of TSCC and was actually good at it

SI

[sterlingice]

And, because my wife tends to enjoy these reviews when I read them but probably won't be able to catch her attention for this long enough to slog through the last two pages, here's my highlights of my lunch reading today:

Originally Posted by Suicane75

This movie is not to content to just suck, it wants to suck in frighteningly intricate detail. I know a few amateur film makers, and I've seen them make some bad movies, but in their heads they've got what they think are really amazing stories. You never wanna be the guy to sit them down and say, whoa buddy, nobody but you could possibly give a shit about any of this, don't max out your credit cards and waste countless peoples lives on this crap. But someone has to. Maybe somebody should start a crisis hotline for this affliction. I don't know anyone involved with creating this movie, but I know for certain that at some point the guy who wrote this thing sat down with his friends and explained the characters and the story, and did it with excitement and joy, full of vigor, resplendent in the awesomeness of his idea. I hope at least one of his friends smacked the living shit out of him.

Originally Posted by Suicane75;2969967[B

][/b]Zombies Of Mass Destruction is that hot chick who seems a little whacky at first, but you can deal with it because, ya know, boobs. But the longer you're around her you realize she's bat shit crazy and it really just isn't worth the trouble anymore.

Originally Posted by Suicane75

If you watch this movie in the midst of diarrhea, it'll still be 2nd most artistic thing happening.

Originally Posted by Suicane75

The gore is nothing special at all, and I'm wondering if maybe this isn't supposed to be a camp for visually impaired kids, because the killer is always about a foot away from them and yet they never see the guy.

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Stammeringly bizarre and chock full of nostalgic fun, Slumber Party Massacre 2 is an enjoyable romp that couldn't be any more 80's if Bruce Springsteen & Ronald Reagan showed up to stop the killer by challenging him to a Moonwalking contest.

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Poor Nick forgoes the usual trope of falling while running and instead ops for the less exhaustive falling while standing perfectly still...
Still, the psychopath at times sounds more like a fat man being denied pork chops than a maniacal killer, but what can ya do.

SI

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

I still think someone launched Suicane up into space and forces him to watch bad movies.

But it's if Joel/Mike and the Bots were forced to watch only bad, low-budget horror movies instead of crap across all genres

SI

[Julio Riddols]

Oscar and Lucinda - 2/10

Australian director Gillian Armstrong directed this Laura Jones adaptation of Peter Carey's 1988 Booker Prize-winning novel. In a lengthy flashback, Oscar Hopkins' great grandson (Geoffrey Rush) narrates the family history that led to his birth. On an Australian farm, Lucinda Leplastrier was tutored by her intelligent mother, a woman who took part in the early feminist movement. Oscar's lonely boyhood in rural England was under the watchful eye of his preacher father. At Oxford to train as a minister, the adult Oscar (Ralph Fiennes) feels he doesn't fit in and develops a passion for gambling, giving his winnings away to the poor. Oscar and Lucinda (Cate Blanchett) meet aboard a ship; he's off to the outback to work as a missionary, and she's returning from London after buying equipment for her glass factory. As mutual misfits, they have an instant attraction and quickly grow close, developing a romantic relationship based on trust. However, the Rev. Dennis Hasset (Ciarán Hinds) and Lucinda are friends, sharing an interest in glass. Convinced they are in love, Oscar embarks on an unusual and difficult task, building a glass church for the reverend, an ambitious project to attempt in the remote wilderness.

Oscar - 1/100

When you're looking to remake French cinema, the name 'Stallone' leaps immediately to mind. As in, 'for God's sake, don't cast Sylvester Stallone!'

Sly Stallone, apparently blissfully unaware that his previous efforts at comedy sucked (Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!) brings us Oscar, a groaner of a comedy (and I use that term loosely). He's a mob guy with a daughter. There's mixups about him (he's going legit, but people think he isn't), his family, and everything else. Wackiness ensues.

Or doesn't.

So let's see...action stars doing comedies...Junior? Sucked. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot? Sucked hard. Twins? Sucked, but not as badly as it could have. Oscar? Sucked. See the pattern? Actors such as Stallone shouldn't worry about fluff comedies. It's not their strong suit and never has been. He needs to stick with the straight action film or flex his acting muscle in a film like Copland.

[Suicane75]

Ah come on now, Arnold has done some very good comedies. But yeah, there's something about Stallone that makes you want to laugh at him and not with him.

[sterlingice]

True Lies was brilliant but most of the time, Arnold was the straight man for Tom Arnold or, hell, Bill Paxton (then again, watching him in SHIELD last season makes me realize that someone who appears mediocre onscreen can be a force on tv)

SI

[Izulde]

Originally Posted by Kodos

For what it's worth, Suicane's reviews are the best part of this thread.

This.

[Honolulu_Blue]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

True Lies was brilliant but most of the time, Arnold was the straight man for Tom Arnold or, hell, Bill Paxton (then again, watching him in SHIELD last season makes me realize that someone who appears mediocre onscreen can be a force on tv)

SI

He can also be a force on screen: See, Hudson from "Aliens," Severin from "Near Dark", or even Chet from "Weird Science."

True Lies really disappointed me when I first saw it. At the time Cameron was coming off Terminator, Aliens and Terminator 2, some of the best action movies ever and then he came out with a stupid, spoofy pile of garbage? Blech.

It was really a case of unsettled expectations. I have since adjusted my expectations and can appreciate True Lies a little more for what it is/tries to be.

[Suicane75]

Grabbers: 71 Out Of 100 Stars
Really fun romp about a couple of giant alien squid like bloodsuckers who invade a quiet a little Irish sea side village.

Richard Coyle of Coupling fame, who is a fantastic comedic actor, stars as Ciaran O'Shea, a policeman who tends to drink a little much. When Sergeant Kenefick goes on vacation, Ruth Bradley is transferred to the island to help watch Croyle as much as do actual police work. When the giant squids start sucking up the towns residents, the two cops suddenly have much more on their plate than they ever could have imagined.

Thanks to the help of a local scientist and the town drunk, it becomes apparent that although blood and water are two of the creatures favorite beverages, it has a bit of an aversion to alcohol. With a big storm heading in and no help from the mainland available till it passes, the only solution to fight off the beasts is for the entire town to get drunker than Garth Brooks when he thought that Chris Gaines album was a good idea. And that's a lot of drunk.

Croyle and Bradley are both stellar in a script that requires more of it's leads than your basic horror movie. The rest of the cast is just as good, especially Russell Tovoy as Dr. Smith and Lalor Roddy as the town drunk.

Mixing romance and comedy with horror and action is never easy, but Grabbers delivers the goods in all areas without sacrificing anything. I think the biggest praise I can give it is that it feels like one of those fun, breezy 80's horror movies. Sort of a grown up Gremlins. Hey, it's even got monsters you don't want to get wet.

[Suicane75]

This ones for you Shorty.

Stiff: 0 Out Of 100 Stars
I'm all for people doing what they love. Living the dream, trying to accomplish shit. But I also firmly believe in being a realist and realizing that sometimes, lots of times actually, most times to be honest, you need to be real with yourself about your abilities.

To that end comes Stiff. A super low budget movie that is more of a two person playlet than an actual movie. The entire thing consists of two people talking to each other, and it still somehow manages to be a technical disaster as well an acting monstrosity.

Troy wants to die, he repeatedly calls a suicide help line and talks to Lorri. Lorri eventually gives Troy her home number and the two arrange a face to face meeting where she reveals that she'll help him kill himself if he agrees to let her have his body after he dies, because ya know, she has issues too.

The editing is so horrible that even when they're face to face it feels like simple exchanges between the two people take forever. One person talks, linger..., the other person talks, linger...etc. If you can't even film a conversation competently, why the fuck are you making movies? Why? Perhaps if the acting and line delivery was crisp it might be able to make things a little bit better, but neither of the actors seem to be doing much more than reading lines. The guy, he's supposed to sullen and sad, but just comes off as boring and dull. I guess that's kind of close. But the girl, she's got inflections all over the place and random attempts at what she thinks emotions sound like.

About 45 minutes into the movie the girl has to do some actual acting and attempt to have a bad dream. My god. How can you not even flail your arms in a convincing manner? Seriously. The girl looks like she's walking through a field of bubbles as opposed to having a horrific nightmare.

They proceed to talk and talk and then talk some more, and then they decide that since he's a virgin she'll have sex with him before he kills himself. Having never done the deed, he's a bit awkward is his attempt to seduce her and ends up doing something that sort of looks like attempted rape. Now I said in a previous review that rape is never funny. I was wrong. The entire scene, they somehow manage to look more like puppets than human beings. Arms and legs go in random directions, she pushes him with all the force of a broken oscillating fan, to which he reacts like he just got shot. At this point I'm not positive that both actors aren't actually marionettes.

I have a friend who went to film school, and sometimes she'll show me some rare Italian or French movie that I admittedly don't get. The final 15 minutes of the Stiff plays out kind of like a bad film student version of those movies. We've got suicide, crying, necrophilia, flashbacks, a dead guys dong, necrophilia, more crying. Did I mention necrophilia? The only thing missing is balloons and moustachioed men eating sausages in black and white.

By the grace of god it ends, and then when the credits roll the first I thing I notice is that it took TWO people to direct this thing. The only logical explanation I can come up with is that they used the worlds heaviest camera.

This is clearly the work of a few people who have a strong desire to create something. And the basic idea isn't horrible. But the execution on every level, past perhaps the paragraph synopsis from which this 'film' was born, is terrible.

The entire crew should look at a career in sales rather than film making, because getting actual distribution is the biggest accomplishment of this entire project.

[JonInMiddleGA]

I actually quote bits of these Suicane reviews to a friend who has no clue whan an FOFC is.

That's pretty high praise.

[korme]

i'll change it back tomorrow

[Suicane75]

Automata: 55 Out Of 100 Stars
Completely cop out rating because I honestly don't know if it was good or bad, if I liked it or didn't like it, and why. I'm not a big sci-fi guy to begin with so I'll admit that it just may not have been the material for me, but I did kind of enjoy the twists and the performances so your mileage may vary.

Antonio Banderas stars as a post apocalyptic insurance man working for the company that designs and builds the worker/helper robots that do much of the manaul labor for the worlds remaining cities. The robots have two directives, 1) Preserve human life, 2)They can not fix or alter themselves. Dylan McDermot, not putting in a whole lot of effort, plays a cop who spots a robot fixing itself and blows it away, thus setting into effect a chain of events which lead Banderas to try and figure out why and who has tampered with the robots circuitry when such a thing should be impossible to do.

Banderas is really good. Mellanie Griffith has a small role and she looks good, although she very may well be as much special effects as the robots at this point. Robert Forster and Dylan McDermot kind of phone things in but that's OK because their roles aren't big enough to really affect things.

The sets, effects and robots are all really good.

I guess I just never felt like I was going to get a satisfying pay off, partly because of my expectations, but also partly because the film never really feels like it's going to deliver anything more than you expect it to.

[Buccaneer]

Originally Posted by korme

This is Oscar movie season. Are we going to see any Oscar movie reviews, or has this thread been fully hi-jacked by B-list shit?

+1. I likely won't post any reviews here anymore.

[Dutch]

I wouldn't call I shit but at this point he definitely deserves his own thread.

[stevew]

Originally Posted by Dutch

I wouldn't call I shit but at this point he definitely deserves his own thread.

I like the reviews but they need their own corner of the internet. I'd probably read them if it was in a full fledged blog. But I'm interested in like Interstellar impressions, not in Chicks With Uzi's 69 impressions.

[JonInMiddleGA]

The thread has been entertaining for a while ... so naturally somebody gets butt hurt over it.

Stay classy FOFC.

[Buccaneer]

I'm sorry, that wasn't cool. I'll look forward to reading other types of reviews.

[korme]

I was mostly kidding, I'm changing the thread title back. Didn't mean to cause a frenzy.

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by Dutch

I wouldn't call I shit but at this point he definitely deserves his own thread.

Agreed. Maybe a Rate B-movies thread?

I also agree that I stop in to maybe see how something like Interstellar is being received. You know, use it for a reference as to whether I should pay money to watch something.

[Kodos]

I'm excited for Interstellar. Trying to go in knowing as little as possible about it.

[JonInMiddleGA]

I guess my point is that, if anyone was actually interested/willing in doing reviews of blockbusters ... what's stopping 'em?

{shrug} I give a fuck, I can't tell you the last movie I bothered watching. Wait, yes I can: Sharknado 2.

Just seems very FOFC to bitch about something entertaining that occurs in the absence of anything else.

And we wonder why post counts & the board in general are down? We have met the enemy and he is us.

[Kodos]

Seriously. It's not like people can't post reviews of regular movies. If not for Suicane, this thread would just fall off of the first page. And the man can write an entertaining review.

[timmae]

I haven't followed this thread post by post but the more recent reviews involve movies, right? If people want to read/write more reviews for Oscar worthy flicks then by all means, please do. Or... start a thread that is more specific. Just my 2 cents. Carry on..

[Thomkal]

I'm interested in Interstellar, which opens today I think, for my birthday present to myself next week. Be curious to hear from anybody who sees it before then what they thought of it.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by stevew

I like the reviews but they need their own corner of the internet. I'd probably read them if it was in a full fledged blog. But I'm interested in like Interstellar impressions, not in Chicks With Uzi's 69 impressions.

He does post them on a blog in the link to his sig. But, frankly, I'd never know about them if not here

SI

[sterlingice]

Here are the last 10 movies reviewed in the thread, not by Suicane:

• Nightcrawler
• The Avengers
• some Viking movie Groundhog saw on a plane
• John Wick
• Fury
• The Judge
• Noah
• Chef
• Edge of Tomorrow
• Godzilla

Clearly, we're all over critical acclaim and cutting edge here.


SI

[Dutch]

To be clear, Suicanes reviews are awesome. Keep them coming!

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Dutch

To be clear, Suicanes reviews are awesome. Keep them coming!

+5, I believe is the number we're at

SI

[stevew]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

He does post them on a blog in the link to his sig. But, frankly, I'd never know about them if not here

SI

I've had sigs turned off for like 7-8 years now. I have no idea what mine even is.

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

Here are the last 10 movies reviewed in the thread, not by Suicane:

• Nightcrawler
• The Avengers
• some Viking movie Groundhog saw on a plane
• John Wick
• Fury
• The Judge
• Noah
• Chef
• Edge of Tomorrow
• Godzilla

Clearly, we're all over critical acclaim and cutting edge here.


SI

Thanks for the post - I totally missed that someone reviewed John Wick and hunted it down. Was curious how good the movie was.

[nol]

Saw Gone Girl last weekend. 7.5/10 - a very solid, entertaining movie that was darker and more psychological than I'd anticipated. Hadn't read the book, so don't know how the two compare. The soundtrack was 9.5/10.

Also keep the Suicane reviews coming. I'm more likely to watch some of the more ludicrous-sounding ones than most of the crap that's in theaters.

[DaddyTorgo]

Yes - I'm good with Suicane reviews. People realize they can search the thread if they feel like something else is falling off the current page, right?

[korme]

I plan on knocking out a double feature of St. Vincent and Birdman at the local indie theater this Sunday since the Bengals aren't on, so I will try to write something compelling about it.

[cuervo72]

2001: A Space Odyssey : All the stars

Ehh, on second thought I'm probably not qualified for this.

[Dutch]

FWIW,

Interstellar 9 out of 10 stars.

Spoiler

No words, but I think I just got mind fucked.

But YMMV...as a matter of fact, I am sure of a large discrepancy in review scores.

[timmae]

Originally Posted by korme

I plan on knocking out a double feature of St. Vincent and Birdman at the local indie theater this Sunday since the Bengals aren't on, so I will try to write something compelling about it.

You really should have gone to that feature last night... just saying.

[korme]

Originally Posted by timmae

You really should have gone to that feature last night... just saying.

[Honolulu_Blue]

Originally Posted by korme

I plan on knocking out a double feature of St. Vincent and Birdman at the local indie theater this Sunday since the Bengals aren't on, so I will try to write something compelling about it.

I'm going to see Birdman on Monday. I'll be interested to hear your thoughts.

[Thomkal]

Thanks Dutch for the review and spoiler on Interstellar-I successful avoiding looking at it

[JetsIn06]

Interstellar 9/10

Just awesome.

[revrew]

Interstellar 7/10

Intelligent, with some great lines and solid performances. But it ran long and ended with a profound ... meh. I enjoyed it, and it's thought-provoking, but it seemed to meander some, which cost it in emotional and entertainment impact.

And you gotta, you just gotta, knock it out of the park with the ending. A mediocre movie that ends well can be a favorite you'll go see again and again, but even a great movie that doesn't end well won't leave as good of an impression.

[HarryLime]

Edge of tomorrow 7.5/10

When i first heard about this film, i was like no chance in hell.. Tom Cruise.. Pass.. Groundhog day imitation... It cant be done...

I then read an article of best movies nobody saw, and this one topped the list so i figured why the hell not...

Turns out, its bloody good... I dont know if it was watching Tom Cruise die in so many different ways that made it, but damn that was enjoyable.

I really enjoyed everything about this film.. the action was fantastic, the plot was well written and well told, and the development of Cruise's character was simply brilliant.