F*** Cancer - long overdue update (keyword long)

[Young Drachma]

Thinking of you radii

[Dodgerchick]

Oh Radii, so sorry to hear I wish you and your family strength as you go through such a difficult time. Thoughts and many prayers your way.

You're such a good person, hang in there.

[Chief Rum]

Sorry to see this, Radii. My thoughts to you and your family.

I don't think this situation equates too well to what my Mom went through, but your father seeming "defeated" is definitely something I can relate to.

I decided to spoiler my Mom's story, because I think it's too negative, and it's not what you need now. But I did still want to write it, so if anyone else wants to read about it and how it relates to Radii's father, go ahead.

Spoiler

My mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 (metastasized) lung cancer two years ago (November to be exact, so a little more than exactly two years ago). The cancer had spread to her brain and the docs gave her about 7 months even with aggressive treatment (which she wanted).

She had had a seizure (which tipped us off to both the brain cancer and the underlying lung cancer), so they gave her anti-seizure medicine and started her on radiation for her brain cancer. Unfortunately, she happened to have a rare allergy to the anti-seizure medicine that had a horrible side effect, kinda like a burning skin effect. It was very trying and we were all pretty mad that no one knew about it or the possibility. But she always maintained her cheerfulness despite the pain, and she got better and started to get back to the point where she could start chemo for her lungs.

After a couple chemo treatments (now two months later) and a trying two months mostly spent in the hospital, Mom got an infection from one of the line in saline feeds (or at least that's what the doctors thought), which does happen because those are changed regularly. With her chemo damping down her immune system, the infection came on strong.

I remember the day it was diagnosed, I could just see how down she was, just defeated. It was heartbreaking. She was always such a positive person and maintained this amazing cheeriness throughout the whole process, so when I saw that spirit leave her, it was rather tragic.

The infection was pretty much unstoppable at that point, and she passed away three days later, most of it spent unconscious on pain medications.

I hope to God you're wrong about your father and don't envy you the decisions you must make. Either way, though, it sounds like you have stood by him and been a very good son. I have no doubt he truly appreciates it. Treasure the time you have had with him and hopefully still will have with him.

[Radii]

Originally Posted by Icy

If he or you are believers

He is, I am not. I feel like part of what is happening now is that he's wavering on his beliefs, or at least, having trouble keeping his faith after all he's been through. My mom and his preacher are more equipped to help him with that.

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Differentiating between the patient's wishes and my own wishes was the thing that I had the hardest time with during my grandmother's battle.

Most definitely. One thing that makes it easier is that I'm not alone in any of this, almost all these discussions happen between my mom, my sister, and myself. Of the three, i'm the cold logical one, and very frequently I'm the one pushing away our own wishes to make sure we're listening to what dad wants. My mom has very negative thoughts about any kind of suffering and it took awhile for her to accept that dad would want to hang around at even 75% of his old self, much less then.. 15%? that he's at now. My sister just doesn't want to lose her daddy and is extremely emotional about any hint of an idea that he won't be here forever. And no, I know I'm not a cold person, but, I believe I'm the one most willing and able to set aside my own feelings so I just refer to it that way. Its certainly easier when the discussions revolve around the hope and desire for him to be around longer, of course.

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

Treasure the time you have had with him and hopefully still will have with him.

Absolutely. Because of conflict with my mom, I didn't come home very often after I left for college or in my 20s. Its been very rewarding to be able to stay here and make up for some of those times. Additionally, no matter what happens now, the fact remains that my dad wasn't given any real chance at all of surviving the cancer 10 years ago. We've had 10 more years than anyone would have given us back then, and that's big.



Thanks for all the kind words and support everyone. I've *almost* come here 4 or 5 times in the last year to write something sort of similar to this, but always decided against it. Here's hoping I'm wrong about my sense of things here and this can just go away for awhile longer still

[Bad-example]

Damn. Sending good thoughts to you and your family.

[MIJB#19]

I can't think of anything to comfort you in any way, Radii. But I can hope the sharing of your pain will help soften it for you, as far as that's even humanly possible.

[terpkristin]

Wow. I don't envy the decisions you have to make now, but (even if it doesn't feel like it right now), I think it's amazing what you've done over the last 5 years. Hang in there, you've got the entire community thinking of you.

/tk

[Swaggs]

Hang in there, buddy!

I cannot imagine how tough it must be for you and your family right now.

[Wolfpack]

Sorry to hear all this, man. I've trod this road a bit in the compressed time frame of the past year with my parents. As I noted in my own thread about them, Mom's now cancer free, but still pretty fragile, and unfortunately Dad's still pretty messed up from his stroke and probably always will be at this point. Neither of them want to fold up shop, of course, but it just seems like they're not doing a whole lot more than existing from day to day. Even though I'm not there everyday, it's still tough.

Regardless, your dad and family have prayers on my behalf. Best wishes, man.

[Radii]

I hate to have to bump this one.

My dad passed away early this morning at home. We did end up bringing Hospice back shortly after the last hospital visit I'd mentioned back in November, but it was with a much different understanding than I had at the time I made that post, it wasn't really a tough decision at all. He went seriously downhill in the last couple weeks and there were really no doubts that we were done with hospital visits and just wanted him to be comfortable and not to be in pain. Dad was religious and his faith was strong, but he struggled with that towards the end. That was the hardest thing for me, worse than any physical pain or problems, and worse than watching him slowly decline over the last 5 years that I've been home. Knowing that he was afraid, and that there was really nothing we could do about that. Don't get me wrong, we did things, mom sat with him and read the bible, we had the preacher from his church over, the chaplain that hospice provides, and of course we all spent time with him. But understanding what he was going through mentally is so much harder to deal with than anything else.


Back to Hospice... we'd had a hospice group with us over a year ago but had a really really bad experience with them. We had an emergency situation that we wanted to treat and we could not get anyone from hospice to call us back or to come over. Many hours went by with essentially no response, and we weren't supposed to do anything without their approval. We didn't fully understand the rules at the time either, which didn't help. We called for an ambulance and went to the hospital and after the fact the hospice folks we were working with were extremely upset and it felt like some political nightmare instead of just trying to get the proper care for dad. We dropped them and were left with the feeling that if we ever wanted hospice back, we had to be ready for him to die no matter what the problem.

It turns out that isn't true at all. You can have hospice in to handle the care for the terminal condition, but if other things come up you can drop hospice briefly, treat the other problems, and then bring hospice back in. We didn't understand that, so for a very long time we treated this hospice decision as a very grave and morbid decision. It didn't need to be. All we needed to do was work with a different hospice organization than the one that we had the bad experience with. There are many hospice groups.

In the end, the hospice group we had with us the last couple months were wonderful. We understood everything fully, and when we needed them the most they were right there doing exactly what they said they would. They helped us understand what dad was experiencing in the last few days, and were able to do a lot to make sure that he wasn't in pain. I'm really grateful for that.

[digamma]

Thinking of you and your family radii.

[Honolulu_Blue]

Sorry to hear that, Radii.

[Radii]

I wanted to keep this separate from the medical crap:

My dad was born in 1947. He served in Vietnam. He worked with the postal service for 39 years as an electronics technician. For many years of that he was the most senior technical employee at the busiest post office in the state. He loved his job and he loved learning new things and learning about new technology. He made so many sacrifices so that my sister and I could have everything we needed and most of what we wanted growing up. I always thought I grew up in this perfectly normal, healthy family when I was a kid, but that's never really true for anyone I suppose. The fact that the problems that mom and dad had, and the financial problems they had, were never a strain on me says a lot about how good a job my parents did.

Like many I assume, I wasn't able to fully appreciate what my dad did for me until I was raising one of my own. I only did that for a few years due to my own marriage/divorce, but it was enough. My dad worked 50+ hours most weeks to make overtime pay so we could have everything we needed. Despite that, when I played on my middle school basketball team and we traveled all around Wake County for games, my dad was at every single one of them. I played viola in the orchestra for awhile in school, he was there any time we had a performance. He taught me how to play baseball and basketball, I remember countless games in the backyard in the evenings after he'd gotten home from work, and on the weekends. I'm sure there were times when I wanted to play and he said no because he was exhausted, but i don't really remember them. I remember all the times he said yes. I was always glad for that, but I didn't truly appreciate it until I was grown up. After a 50 hour work week, you're exhausted. You just want some rest, and the fact that he made all those hour long drives to see me play basketball, or to have a catch in the front yard, or to play one on one at our hoop in the back yard, that means the world to me now looking back.

I'm a software developer today because of my dad. We got an Atari 800 in the early 80's. We beat Infocom games together, not Zork for some reason, but Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy was our favorite. We had sheets of graph paper where we drew maps of the various areas. Dad had a subscription to a couple computing magazines. Back then they'd come with a few programs written in BASIC. We'd look through the magazines together and if there was a game that I thought looked neat, we'd type it in. Hundreds (thousands?) of lines of BASIC code on paper in the magazines, one of us would read out each line and the other would type it in. Half of them never worked, 40% of them sucked, and maybe 10% were actually worth all that time to play But I loved looking through the code and loved working with dad to type in all the programs. I think he loved it when they didn't work, his job was basically problem solving, and it gave him the patience required to look through all that code to find the one typo you made that caused it to not work. I didn't really have that patience back then, but at least some of it rubbed off on me.

I am absolutely who I am today because of him. Its been so hard seeing him lose the ability to do all of those things over the years, but I'm glad I was able to be there for him and to make sure he knew that I appreciated everything he did for me.

[BYU 14]

Originally Posted by Radii

I wanted to keep this separate from the medical crap:

My dad was born in 1947. He served in Vietnam. He worked with the postal service for 39 years as an electronics technician. For many years of that he was the most senior technical employee at the busiest post office in the state. He loved his job and he loved learning new things and learning about new technology. He made so many sacrifices so that my sister and I could have everything we needed and most of what we wanted growing up. I always thought I grew up in this perfectly normal, healthy family when I was a kid, but that's never really true for anyone I suppose. The fact that the problems that mom and dad had, and the financial problems they had, were never a strain on me says a lot about how good a job my parents did.

Like many I assume, I wasn't able to fully appreciate what my dad did for me until I was raising one of my own. I only did that for a few years due to my own marriage/divorce, but it was enough. My dad worked 50+ hours most weeks to make overtime pay so we could have everything we needed. Despite that, when I played on my middle school basketball team and we traveled all around Wake County for games, my dad was at every single one of them. I played viola in the orchestra for awhile in school, he was there any time we had a performance. He taught me how to play baseball and basketball, I remember countless games in the backyard in the evenings after he'd gotten home from work, and on the weekends. I'm sure there were times when I wanted to play and he said no because he was exhausted, but i don't really remember them. I remember all the times he said yes. I was always glad for that, but I didn't truly appreciate it until I was grown up. After a 50 hour work week, you're exhausted. You just want some rest, and the fact that he made all those hour long drives to see me play basketball, or to have a catch in the front yard, or to play one on one at our hoop in the back yard, that means the world to me now looking back.

I'm a software developer today because of my dad. We got an Atari 800 in the early 80's. We beat Infocom games together, not Zork for some reason, but Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy was our favorite. We had sheets of graph paper where we drew maps of the various areas. Dad had a subscription to a couple computing magazines. Back then they'd come with a few programs written in BASIC. We'd look through the magazines together and if there was a game that I thought looked neat, we'd type it in. Hundreds (thousands?) of lines of BASIC code on paper in the magazines, one of us would read out each line and the other would type it in. Half of them never worked, 40% of them sucked, and maybe 10% were actually worth all that time to play But I loved looking through the code and loved working with dad to type in all the programs. I think he loved it when they didn't work, his job was basically problem solving, and it gave him the patience required to look through all that code to find the one typo you made that caused it to not work. I didn't really have that patience back then, but at least some of it rubbed off on me.

I am absolutely who I am today because of him. Its been so hard seeing him lose the ability to do all of those things over the years, but I'm glad I was able to be there for him and to make sure he knew that I appreciated everything he did for me.

Very awesome Radii, thank you for sharing. Your Dad sounds like a great man and it comes through nicely in these stories. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family and so sorry for your loss.

[AlexB]

I feel for you. I was offered my current job nearly because someone had a recurrence of a brain tumour (it's a long and not particulary interesting story), but it always humbles me to this day. Stay strong Radii

[Marmel]

Sorry for your loss Radii.
Thanks for sharing that story.

[Kodos]

Originally Posted by Radii

I wanted to keep this separate from the medical crap:

My dad was born in 1947. He served in Vietnam. He worked with the postal service for 39 years as an electronics technician. For many years of that he was the most senior technical employee at the busiest post office in the state. He loved his job and he loved learning new things and learning about new technology. He made so many sacrifices so that my sister and I could have everything we needed and most of what we wanted growing up. I always thought I grew up in this perfectly normal, healthy family when I was a kid, but that's never really true for anyone I suppose. The fact that the problems that mom and dad had, and the financial problems they had, were never a strain on me says a lot about how good a job my parents did.

Like many I assume, I wasn't able to fully appreciate what my dad did for me until I was raising one of my own. I only did that for a few years due to my own marriage/divorce, but it was enough. My dad worked 50+ hours most weeks to make overtime pay so we could have everything we needed. Despite that, when I played on my middle school basketball team and we traveled all around Wake County for games, my dad was at every single one of them. I played viola in the orchestra for awhile in school, he was there any time we had a performance. He taught me how to play baseball and basketball, I remember countless games in the backyard in the evenings after he'd gotten home from work, and on the weekends. I'm sure there were times when I wanted to play and he said no because he was exhausted, but i don't really remember them. I remember all the times he said yes. I was always glad for that, but I didn't truly appreciate it until I was grown up. After a 50 hour work week, you're exhausted. You just want some rest, and the fact that he made all those hour long drives to see me play basketball, or to have a catch in the front yard, or to play one on one at our hoop in the back yard, that means the world to me now looking back.

I'm a software developer today because of my dad. We got an Atari 800 in the early 80's. We beat Infocom games together, not Zork for some reason, but Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy was our favorite. We had sheets of graph paper where we drew maps of the various areas. Dad had a subscription to a couple computing magazines. Back then they'd come with a few programs written in BASIC. We'd look through the magazines together and if there was a game that I thought looked neat, we'd type it in. Hundreds (thousands?) of lines of BASIC code on paper in the magazines, one of us would read out each line and the other would type it in. Half of them never worked, 40% of them sucked, and maybe 10% were actually worth all that time to play But I loved looking through the code and loved working with dad to type in all the programs. I think he loved it when they didn't work, his job was basically problem solving, and it gave him the patience required to look through all that code to find the one typo you made that caused it to not work. I didn't really have that patience back then, but at least some of it rubbed off on me.

I am absolutely who I am today because of him. Its been so hard seeing him lose the ability to do all of those things over the years, but I'm glad I was able to be there for him and to make sure he knew that I appreciated everything he did for me.

A great tribute to your father. It's true, you never appreciate how much your parents do for you until you are a parent yourself.

Very sorry to hear of your loss. I hope all your warm memories of him are a source of comfort for you and your loved ones.

[tyketime]

Very sorry for your loss. But awesome to read your experience with him. Thank you for sharing!

[CleBrownsfan]

Sorry for your lost Radii. Sounds like he was an amazing father and man!

I hold hospice very close to my heart- I've only had an experience with hospice once when my grandmother passed away in my parents home. They made my grandmother and our family members at peace in her final days.

[DanGarion]

My thoughts are with you.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Prayers for, and condolences to, you and your family.

[Lathum]

Sorry for your loss, sounds like he was the kind of Dad I hope to be.

[Dutch]

Thank you for sharing that insight into who your dad was. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

[Buccaneer]

I'm sorry for your loss, Radii. I can relate for I lost my father much in the same manner last year.

[stevew]

Sorry for your loss Richard.

[Wolfpack]

Sorry for your loss, Radii. Prayers and condolences to you and the rest of your family.

[cartman]

Good thoughts being sent you and your family's way, Radii. You went way beyond the call of duty with how you've helped out with your dad over the past few years. I have all the respect in the world for you doing that.

[Subby]

Hang in there. You made a tremendous sacrifice to care for your parents and I have no doubt that your dad was extremely proud of you.

Thinking about you.

[DaddyTorgo]

My condolences Radii. Sorry to hear about your loss.

[Dodgerchick]

Originally Posted by Radii

I wanted to keep this separate from the medical crap:

My dad was born in 1947. He served in Vietnam. He worked with the postal service for 39 years as an electronics technician. For many years of that he was the most senior technical employee at the busiest post office in the state. He loved his job and he loved learning new things and learning about new technology. He made so many sacrifices so that my sister and I could have everything we needed and most of what we wanted growing up. I always thought I grew up in this perfectly normal, healthy family when I was a kid, but that's never really true for anyone I suppose. The fact that the problems that mom and dad had, and the financial problems they had, were never a strain on me says a lot about how good a job my parents did.

Like many I assume, I wasn't able to fully appreciate what my dad did for me until I was raising one of my own. I only did that for a few years due to my own marriage/divorce, but it was enough. My dad worked 50+ hours most weeks to make overtime pay so we could have everything we needed. Despite that, when I played on my middle school basketball team and we traveled all around Wake County for games, my dad was at every single one of them. I played viola in the orchestra for awhile in school, he was there any time we had a performance. He taught me how to play baseball and basketball, I remember countless games in the backyard in the evenings after he'd gotten home from work, and on the weekends. I'm sure there were times when I wanted to play and he said no because he was exhausted, but i don't really remember them. I remember all the times he said yes. I was always glad for that, but I didn't truly appreciate it until I was grown up. After a 50 hour work week, you're exhausted. You just want some rest, and the fact that he made all those hour long drives to see me play basketball, or to have a catch in the front yard, or to play one on one at our hoop in the back yard, that means the world to me now looking back.

I'm a software developer today because of my dad. We got an Atari 800 in the early 80's. We beat Infocom games together, not Zork for some reason, but Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy was our favorite. We had sheets of graph paper where we drew maps of the various areas. Dad had a subscription to a couple computing magazines. Back then they'd come with a few programs written in BASIC. We'd look through the magazines together and if there was a game that I thought looked neat, we'd type it in. Hundreds (thousands?) of lines of BASIC code on paper in the magazines, one of us would read out each line and the other would type it in. Half of them never worked, 40% of them sucked, and maybe 10% were actually worth all that time to play But I loved looking through the code and loved working with dad to type in all the programs. I think he loved it when they didn't work, his job was basically problem solving, and it gave him the patience required to look through all that code to find the one typo you made that caused it to not work. I didn't really have that patience back then, but at least some of it rubbed off on me.

I am absolutely who I am today because of him. Its been so hard seeing him lose the ability to do all of those things over the years, but I'm glad I was able to be there for him and to make sure he knew that I appreciated everything he did for me.

What a beautiful write-up. So sorry for your loss, thoughts and prayers to you all.

[OldGiants]

Sorry for your loss, Radii. Your tribute to your dad is wonderful. Keep those thoughts with you, they will make it easier. My own father died of cancer 20+ years ago and he made many similar sacrifices for his four kids. I often think of him, and I know you will think of your dad, too.

[Klinglerware]

Sorry to hear this news, Radii...