The Onion Thread

[AnalBumCover]

The person on top completely missed the first line when linking from theblaze.com

"Even satire site The Onion can see that Planned Parenthood is in the business of killing and tries to put a tongue-in-cheek spin on it:"

[Scarecrow]

Seriously?

There are idiots out there that would believe that someone would invest $8bil in Topeka?

[sabotai]

A lot of times I feel like my life is like this.

Man's Life Riddled With Continuity Errors | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Sometimes The Onion can be more depressing than funny

Budget Mix-Up Provides Nation's Schools With Enough Money To Properly Educate Students | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

WASHINGTON—According to bewildered and contrite legislators, a major budgetary mix-up this week inadvertently provided the nation's public schools with enough funding and resources to properly educate students.

Sources in the Congressional Budget Office reported that as a result of a clerical error, $80 billion earmarked for national defense was accidentally sent to the Department of Education, furnishing schools with the necessary funds to buy new textbooks, offer more academic resources, hire better teachers, promote student achievement, and foster educational excellence—an oversight that apologetic officials called a "huge mistake."

"Obviously, we did not intend for this to happen, and we are doing everything in our power to right the situation and discipline whoever is responsible," said House Budget Committee chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI), expressing remorse for the error. "I want to apologize to the American people. The last thing we wanted was for schools to upgrade their technology and lower student-to-teacher ratios in hopes of raising a generation of well-educated, ambitious, and skilled young Americans."

"That's the type of irresponsible misspending that I've been focused on eliminating for my entire political career," Ryan added.

Ryan went on to tell reporters that the $80 billion budget slip-up will "unfortunately" help schools nationwide to supply students with modernized classrooms and instructional materials. Struggling to control his frustration, Ryan said he prayed the costly mistake would not allow millions of American students to graduate with strong language skills.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) called for a full investigation into how the nation's schools were able to secure the necessary funds to monitor teachers and pay salaries based on performance.

"The fact that this careless mistake also ended up financing new teacher training programs, allowing educators to become more than just glorified babysitters, is disgraceful," Reid said. "Now we are left with a situation where schools can attract talented professionals who really want to teach our children, which will in turn create smarter and more motivated students who wish to one day make a contribution to society."

"In all my years in government I have never seen such a shameful error," Reid added. "Our appropriations process has gone horribly awry, and I for one demand to know how it happened."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) echoed congressional leaders and vowed to do "everything in [his] power" to resolve the costly error that led to schools updating their curriculums to emphasize math, science, and language arts, and provided students with instruction on how to use newly purchased computers to aid their research.

"Once these kids learn to read and think critically, you can never undo that," Boehner said. "In 20 years, we could be looking at a nightmare scenario in which vast segments of our populace are fully prepared to compete in the new global marketplace."

"It could take a whole generation to cancel out the effects of this," Boehner added.

Congressional leaders also stressed that providing the nation's students with an adequate education that prepared them for college or supplied them with a solid grasp of basic knowledge could also have a devastating impact on the economy by creating a new class of citizens uninterested in settling for fast food meals and useless plastic knickknacks.

"And politicians will be adversely affected as well," Boehner said. "What will our nation do if the next generation knows that all we care about is our own selfish interests and pandering to the wealthy elite? Is that the future you want? Not me.

[mckerney]

If I See Doug, I'm Going To Kick His Ass vs. Apparently Doug Is A Better Fighter Than I Thought | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

NASCAR Awards Driver $50,000 For Homophobic Comments | The Onion Sports Network

[Autumn]

On another note ...

http://kottke.org/11/05/taking-the-onion-seriously

[mckerney]

Cleveland Pathetically Celebrates Greatest Sports Moment In City's History

CLEVELAND—As the Dallas Mavericks sealed their NBA Finals victory over LeBron James and the Miami Heat Sunday night, the citizens of Cleveland participated in a joyous, exuberant, and extremely pathetic celebration of their city's greatest-ever sports moment.

"When I saw there were just two minutes left on the clock and there was no way LeBron could turn it around, I admit it—I started crying for pure joy," said emotionally misguided Cavaliers fan Randall Peterman, who watched the game on a huge projector screen in Gateway Plaza alongside thousands of other jubilant fans, all of whom seemed unaware that their feelings of triumph-by-proxy revealed deep flaws in their outlook not only on sports, but on life as a whole. “I am more proud of my hometown tonight than I have ever been.”

"This one's for the whole city [of Cleveland]," added Peterman, by all indications unaware of the shamefully absurd implications of appropriating another city's sports championship for one's own out of overblown, inarticulate feelings of betrayal. “Let’s go Mavs! Let’s go Mavs!”

Across the city, in bars and at Finals-watching parties, Cleveland sports fans erupted in a psychologically stunted caricature of joy at the sight of James, their former hero, slumped over in defeat. The celebration reportedly grew even sadder as Cleveland fans began referring to the Dallas team as the “Mavaliers,” and became almost impossible to bear after the erection of a billboard on Ohio’s Interstate 480 that said, “Congratulations, Mavericks.”

As of press time, no Cleveland resident has apologized for acting like an immature child.

"Eleven months ago, when that classless jerk had his TV special to announce he was taking his talent to South Beach, I swore I would cheer against him for the rest of my life," said bartender Michelle Vlasik, who seemed unaware that her response to James' move was at least as juvenile and self-defeating as anything James himself had done. "Ask anyone here tonight and they'll tell you they feel the same way."

“This completely makes up for Jordan’s shot over Ehlo,” Vlasic added in reference to a basketball game that actually involved the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Sources confirmed official responses from the Cleveland area have been just as spiritually bereft. Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, who had expected James to bring his team a championship, issued a statement that read, "This proves there are no shortcuts—none," as if the hard work put in by Dallas had been that of his own struggling organization. Moreover, Ohio governor John Kasich named the Mavericks honorary Ohioans with the issuing of a resolution as self-defeating as it was nonbinding.

"You have no idea how good it feels to be a Cleveland sports fan right now," said Gov. Kasich, to all appearances unaware of how condemning his statement was for a city that is home to three major sports franchises, none of which are directly responsible for the joy currently being experienced by said fans. “The people of Cleveland [seriously need to grow up and just get the fuck over it already].”

Though it has been five days since Dallas won the championship, fans across Cleveland have continued to react the way people would if their own team had won. Sales of merchandise for the Mavericks, a franchise located 1,000 miles away, is outselling Cavaliers apparel throughout Ohio. In addition, local hospitals have announced the birth of several baby boys named Dirk, and even a baby girl named Nowitzkee—all named after a man who has played basketball in the city of Cleveland maybe 20 times in his career, always on the opposing team.

Reports also indicated that grown men and women, unaware of what their bitter, shriveled souls have been reduced to, continued to high-five their coworkers at the mere mention of a young man losing a basketball championship.

"This is what Cleveland fans have been waiting for," Peterman said in a statement that is just jaw-droppingly sad. "We wouldn't have been able to bear the idea of LeBron winning a championship somewhere else, because that would mean he was right to leave Cleveland. And if this celebration proves anything, it’s that he definitely made a mistake.”

[Ksyrup]

Members Of Twisted Sister Now Willing To Take It
September 29, 2008 | ISSUE 44•40

NEW YORK—In a stunning reversal of their long-stated reluctance to take it, members of heavy-metal band Twisted Sister announced Monday that, after 24 years of fervent refusal, they are now willing to take it. "I acknowledge that we promised not to take it anymore, but things change. The world is a different place today, and with that in mind, we would like to go on record as saying that, starting right now, we are going to take it," read a statement released by the band's lead singer, Dee Snider. "To clarify, we would still prefer not to take it, but as of now, taking it is an option that we would be open to. That is all." Bassist Mark "the Animal" Mendoza also stated that, in regards to what he wants to do with his life, he no longer solely wants to rock, but would instead prefer doing other things, such as raising a family and working as a claims adjuster in Rye, NY.


Members Of Twisted Sister Now Willing To Take It | The Onion - America's Finest News Source


I don't know how I missed this one the first time around.

[SteveMax58]

[Crapshoot]

Awesome.

[stevew]

http://www.wtfpod.com/podcast/episod..._-_todd_hanson

Some really good Onion anecdotes throughout this podcast.

[cartman]

Chess Prodigy Gives Up Game After Getting Laid | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[cartman]

Congress Continues Debate Over Whether Or Not Nation Should Be Economically Ruined | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Congress Continues Debate Over Whether Or Not Nation Should Be Economically Ruined

WASHINGTON—Members of the U.S. Congress reported Wednesday they were continuing to carefully debate the issue of whether or not they should allow the country to descend into a roiling economic meltdown of historically dire proportions. "It is a question that, I think, is worthy of serious consideration: Should we take steps to avoid a crippling, decades-long depression that would lead to disastrous consequences on a worldwide scale? Or should we not do that?" asked House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA), adding that arguments could be made for both sides, and that the debate over ensuring America’s financial solvency versus allowing the nation to default on its debt—which would torpedo stock markets, cause mortgage and interests rates to skyrocket, and decimate the value of the U.S. dollar—is “certainly a conversation worth having.” "Obviously, we don't want to rush to consensus on whether it is or isn't a good idea to save the American economy and all our respective livelihoods from certain peril until we've examined this thorny dilemma from every angle. And if we’re still discussing this matter on Aug. 2, well, then, so be it.” At press time, President Obama said he personally believed the country should not be economically ruined.

[cartman]

http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/ar...-wine-d,20983/

[mckerney]

Area Loser Blissfully Unaffected By Whims Of Stock Market | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

BOULDER, CO—According to economic experts, local man and complete reject Dale Everett, 37, remains 100 percent unaffected by the dramatic ups and downs of the American stock market. "No matter what sort of calamity befalls Wall Street, this total failure of a man remains exactly, and happily, the same as he was before," said market analyst Ben Tanaka, who since 2008 has developed high-blood pressure and a stomach ulcer from worrying about the financial crisis. "As long as he has money for rent, cable, and food, which he usually does, he is fine. I have to say, I kind of envy the loser." Tanaka added that unless there was suddenly a 550 percent nationwide spike in the price of beer, Everett's condition would likely continue on without change.

[cartman]

Awesome:

Penn State Players All Worried They're Going To Be The One Who Accidentally Kills Joe Paterno | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Kodos]

That was pretty good. Sent it on to my brother, who is a PSU grad.

[gstelmack]

No one posted this one? Scientists Trace Heat Wave To Massive Star At Center Of Solar System | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Insane Moron Draws Conclusion From NFL Preseason Game | The Onion Sports Network

BRISTOL, CT—Basing his argument on an entirely meaningless preseason game between the Chicago Bears and the New York Giants, a deranged idiot came to a completely fucking stupid conclusion Tuesday about the whole 2011 NFL season, sources confirmed.

The raving simpleton, who somehow managed to string together several words to make the moronic comments, seemed to believe he had determined—by watching 60 minutes of pointless football—how the Bears’ and Giants’ offenses, defenses, and special teams units would fare throughout the regular season and even the goddamn playoffs, for Christ’s sake. According to reports, the mentally ill oaf arrived at his nonsensical revelations by feebly analyzing the statistics and final score of the insignificant contest, which was primarily used by the coaches to evaluate third- and fourth-string players.

“Brian Urlacher is still a force to reckon with out there; even though he’s in his 12th season, the guy hasn’t lost a step,” the lunatic said in reference to a linebacker who was out on the field for four defensive series and was credited with one measly tackle. “Urlacher is going to continue to dominate for years to come.”

Throughout the two-minute postgame analysis, the severely brain-damaged dimwit talked very loudly and drew a number of foolish conclusions based on a game that was largely played by substitutes who will spend the majority of the season on the bench. While the imbecilic dipshit babbled that the victory—in a contest that served no real purpose—proved New York had no weaknesses, he reportedly failed to make any mention of the team’s questions at wide receiver, its need for a playmaking tight end, and the way mounting injuries had taken a toll on its defensive line and secondary.

“The Eagles made the big splash in free agency, but I think these Giants have all the pieces in place to win the NFC East and make a real solid run for the Super Bowl,” said the demented buffoon, who gets paid millions of dollars to offer his expertise. “They put 41 points on a very, very good defense. No team in the NFL is firing on every cylinder like the Giants.”

The thickheaded numbskull, who seemed incapable of forming complete thoughts before blurting out incredibly dumbass statements, also idiotically suggested the Giants might have a quarterback controversy, citing the fact that backup David Carr threw two touchdowns against a bunch of crappy scrubs who would consider themselves lucky as hell if they made the Bears’ practice squad.

According to the psychotic dolt, when Bears wideout Devin Hester caught a 37-yard pass from quarterback Jay Cutler, he established himself as one of the best receivers in the NFL, despite the sixth-year player’s reputation for drops and shitty route-running.

“I applaud Lovie Smith and Mike Martz for taking Hester off kickoff returns, because this kid is a star wide receiver and he needs to be positioned where he can do the most damage against opposing teams,” the clinically insane, suit-and-tie-wearing man said of the wide receiver, who tallied a whopping 40 receptions for 475 yards and four whole fucking touchdowns in 2010. “Hester is so exciting. He’s one of the best I’ve ever seen.”

The unhinged twit repeatedly placed far too much importance on trivial moments in the inconsequential game, ignorantly prattling on and on like a jackass about the significance of a false-start penalty that, according to the moron, fully indicated Bears rookie right tackle Gabe Carimi was not ready to play in the NFL.

In addition, after watching Giants top cornerback Terrell Thomas leave the game early in the second quarter with a torn ACL in his right knee, the big dumb fuck with the microphone actually questioned whether the defensive back really wanted to win the irrelevant fucking game.

Although the schizophrenic clod would have been better off sticking his head up his asshole and searching there for more relevant analysis, the mumbling lump of shit instead decreed the Bears had finally fixed their ineffectiveness in the red zone, apparently because some third- or fourth-string player managed to score a one-yard touchdown run with 30 seconds remaining against a bunch of substitutes on the Giants.

The drooling ignoramus also managed to praise Jay Cutler, an act of astonishing vapidity which in and of itself proves he should never be allowed to speak on television.

[SteveMax58]

I like the number of different ways of calling him an idiot.

[bulletsponge]

that onion article sums up how i think whenever i hear a ESPN talking head speak

[cartman]

Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New 'Calvin And Hobbes' Strip Each Morning Out Of Spite | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New 'Calvin And Hobbes' Strip Each Morning Out Of Spite

CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OH—Despite not having published a new comic strip since December 1995, cartoonist Bill Watterson has reportedly taken the time every day since to write, pencil, hand-ink, and, out of spite, destroy a new installment of Calvin And Hobbes. "Wow, this might be one of the best yet," Watterson said as he completed his 5,689th strip of the past 16 years and then immediately fed it into a paper shredder. "I bet my millions of fans would really love this whole new direction for Spaceman Spiff. Oh, well, fuck them." According to sources, Watterson also spends a portion of his time calling comic strip syndicates to discuss publishing new material, only to abruptly announce, "Actually, that's never gonna happen," and hang up the phone.

[cartman]

Tea Party Congressman Calls For Tax Breaks To Put Out Raging Wildfire In District | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Tea Party Congressman Calls For Tax Breaks To Put Out Raging Wildfire In District

WASHINGTON—With a massive wildfire currently raging out of control in his district, Tea Party Caucus member Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ) pressed Congress to pass immediate tax breaks Tuesday to combat the rapidly spreading blaze. "This fire has already burned hundreds of square miles and left thousands of helpless families with only one hope: across-the-board income tax cuts and a sharply lower corporate tax rate," said Franks, stating that broad-based tax relief would spur investment and extinguish the towering flames that grow larger by the minute. "We must act now. The longer the oppressive tax burden on honest, hardworking individuals remains unaddressed, the larger and more deadly this fire will become." According to staffers, Franks plans to honor the nine individuals who have perished in the blaze by introducing additional legislation this week that would eliminate Medicaid.

[cartman]

Trojan Introduces ‘No One’s Pleasure’ Condoms For Bitter, Resentful Couples | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[cartman]

Sierra Leone Diamond Miner Devastated By News Of Broken-Off Engagement | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[stevew]

the Sierra Leone one is awesome

[sterlingice]

Responsible Cable News Outlets To Devote Sensible Amount Of Airtime To 10th Anniversary Of 9/11 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

SI

[stevew]

Nation Would Rather Think About 9/11 Than Anything From Subsequent 10 Years | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Tom Brady Questionable For Sunday's Game After Waking Up Ugly

[Young Drachma]

Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

http://univisionnews.tumblr.com/post...n-gone-too-far

This is causing a big stink on Twitter today.

[gstelmack]

The article is funny. The twitter feed is Orson Wells-esque and probably deserves the critique.

[Ksyrup]

What lines have been crossed, besides the line between real and fake news?

They had a couple of stories around 9/11 that I thought people might get upset about, but if they did, I didn't hear it.

[Ksyrup]

Originally Posted by gstelmack

The article is funny. The twitter feed is Orson Wells-esque and probably deserves the critique.

But it's from The Onion! That invalidates any potential for being real in and of itself.

If the world was invaded by aliens 10 minutes from now, I'd expect the people running The Onion to post about it from their personal twitter feeds. The Onion isn't about real news.

[larrymcg421]

Originally Posted by Dark Cloud

Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Has The Onion gone too far? - Univision News Tumblr

This is causing a big stink on Twitter today.

OMG, thanks for posting this. Just searching replies to @TheOnion and watching stupid people get outraged over this has completely made my day.

[mckerney]

Originally Posted by larrymcg421

OMG, thanks for posting this. Just searching replies to @TheOnion and watching stupid people get outraged over this has completely made my day.

After reading the story this morning my first thought was that I can't wait to see the Facebook posts from people who think this is real.

[larrymcg421]

President Obama in bullet proof vest now on Capitol steps trying to talk congressmen down.

Obama on bullhorn: "John, I know you can hear me in there. Please, you don't need to do this."

Obama negotiating with Congress. We all know this isn't going to end well.

[mckerney]

Obama: "I know this Congress well. Trust me, they will kill these kids." #CongressHostage

[sterlingice]

And, unfortunately, it's all been taken down before I could see it due to the frothing hate from #PeopleWhoTakeThingsTooSeriously

(did I do the Twitter joke correctly?)

SI

[mckerney]

Republican Coma Candidate Dominates GOP Debate



HANOVER, NH—Analysts are hailing the performance of candidate John Clarkson in last Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate as a clear victory for the former Colorado representative, who following a car crash eight years ago entered a coma from which he has yet to emerge. “The entire time he was on stage, Clarkson clearly displayed a level of poise, professionalism, and real charisma that, say, a Rick Perry or Mitt Romney simply fails to match,” said NPR commentator Cokie Roberts, adding that the hypnotic beeping noises of Clarkson’s life-support system offered an appealing contrast to Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 tax plan. “At no point did Clarkson stray from his central message, talk down to the audience, or commit any sort of glaring gaffe or tactical error, and I think that clearly set him apart from every other GOP hopeful.” While some blasted Clarkson after the debate for his silence on health care, other pundits praised his strategy, saying it is to the candidate’s advantage to let Mitt Romney get in as many words as possible on this issue.

[mckerney]

Tim Tebow’s Success Inspiring Other Teams To Start Shitty Quarterbacks

[mckerney]

[Julio Riddols]

Mark Sanchez Injures Pussy Finger | The Onion Sports Network

At this level you have to work through a dinged up pussy finger or a numb titty hand.. Hahahahahaaaa...

This GOOMF is amazing.

[mckerney]

Originally Posted by Julio Riddols

Mark Sanchez Injures Pussy Finger | The Onion Sports Network

At this level you have to work through a dinged up pussy finger or a numb titty hand.. Hahahahahaaaa...

This GOOMF is amazing.

"If Rodgers really cares about the game and his team he'll find a way to take Favre with him!"
"If either Favre or Rodgers dies football gets better, just in different ways."

GOOMF is always amazing.



EDIT: Also, "Just because Sanchez can't cut the mustard doesn't mean he can't lick the jar."

[mckerney]

All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by mckerney

All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Yup, pretty much

SI

[mckerney]

Joe Paterno Dies In Hospital; Doctors Promise To Tell Their Superiors First Thing Tomorrow | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Tebow’s Defeat Restores Nation’s Faith In God

[PilotMan]

My feed had some great headlines today:

• Twitter Crashes From Sheer Volume Of Clear, Insightful Comments On State Of The Union - 9 hours ago
• Obama Begins State Of The Union By Asking Congress To Imagine Newt Gingrich Standing Before Them - 10 hours ago
• Frocked Podium Boys Shine In Pre-State-Of-The-Union Rituals - 11 hours ago
• Offensive Lineman Uses Expressive Poetry To Deeply Move Linebacker - 12 hours ago
• Nation Unsure What To Do With Information That Padraig Harrington Wears Citizen Watches - 13 hours ago

[mckerney]

New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct | The Onion - America's Finest News Source