The Shitty Habits of a Middle Aged Man

[Autumn]

I was afraid this would happen. Chubby's next habit to break was coming to FOFC.

[digamma]

Originally Posted by Autumn

I was afraid this would happen. Chubby's next habit to break was coming to FOFC.

Task 1 changed to: Figure out how not to get confused with Chubby.

[Autumn]

lol, whoops. Whatever.

[Subby]

DAY EIGHT

Newsflash. My body and mind fucking hate me. Which is stupid, because if I die from having my heart seize up and explode out of my chest like a demonic alien baby, THEY GO TOO.

Here is an example of just how clever they think they are. Since I have said THANKS BUT NO THANKS to the temptations of Starbucks, I have purchased coffee at THREE OTHER breakfast establishments this week. So now I am giving myself permission to do shit I don't normally do - MAKING BAD NEW HABITS - because there are BAD OLD HABITS I am not allowed.

Thirty days from now you are going to find me in my underwear in an empty room, chewing on nuts and berries and yelling at my butler robot to keep rubbing my feet (NEED BETTER CIRCULATION).

Yesterday I was actually getting worried that I was going to have trouble filling out a list of 30 things, but now I am wondering if I should even stop at 30. For fuck's sake, I go to the Nats game with my kid last night and swallow a huge cup of fries (NOT ON THE LIST), and drink three beers in seven innings (NOT ON THE LIST), and hit on an usher (NOT ON THE LIST). I mean - can I just act like the non-excessive, simple, goat farmer? A man with quiet dignity and a singular purpose in life? DO I HAVE TO FUCK EVERY GOAT???

Even worse, I get home at just after 10ish last night, and like a good little soldier, hunker down in bed and probably drift off to sleep at around 1045pm. I DREAM ALL NIGHT and wake up at 7:30 am. A great fucking night of sleep. EIGHT HOURS! No one gets eight hours anymore except for maybe infants and male lions. But I feel as if I have taken a tranq dart in the neck and I can barely get out of bed. WHAT THE FUCK? I am supposed to feel rested and rejuvenated. I stumble around like an idiot, late for work, have to drive to the office instead of take my bike. Bad traffic. At desk by 9:30am. Day over. IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO GO LIKE THIS. So now I have to consider my bad habit of getting up late. GODDAMMIT, I CANNOT WIN.

On the good side though. I actually stuck with my list. Every single one (I'm counting the going to bed thing because even though it was technically after 10pm, I was in bed almost the second I got home - normally I would have stayed up doing meaningless shit for 2 hours).

So on to the next item. I could do something easy like NO WHITE CHOCOLATE, but I need to make a dent in what has become a costly habit in a number of ways:

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream.
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late.
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.

Oh, I guess my ASSHOLE, BETRAYING brain didn't see that one coming. Guess what? You have to eat at home during the week or bring your breakfast to work. OR STARVE (it's ok, you probably should die at this point).

Seriously. If I was getting a banana and a juice every morning, that would be one thing. It is quite another to get what I got this morning (I am having a hard time typing this with a straight face because it is so FUCKING GLUTTONOUS that it doesn't even seem real). Large coffee, large mango orange juice, egg, cheese, bacon, avocado breakfast sandwich, cinnamon scone. Just patently insane. God forbid I have a bowl of cereal or steel cut oats or MAKE THAT FUCKING SANDWICH FOR WHICH I JUST PAID $5. I wasn't even hungry when I ate that scone. Maybe I just need to set my wallet on fire and move to the trade and barter system.

Breakfast might be the biggest eating out scam going anyway. If we are at a travel baseball tournament, fine. But if we are at home, there is no good reason to go out to eat for FREAKING BREAKFAST. We went out to brunch for Father's Day and it was $100 for the family. MONEY WELL SPENT.

So, no breakfasts out. YOUR MOVE, BRAIN.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"I was starving last night at 8:45 pm. This is normally when I would make a PB&J, or run out to Dunkin for a donut, or whatever. But last night, I thought of you. And then an amazing thing happened. I drank a big glass of ice water and felt better. The hunger pangs came back at 11pm. Again, this is usually when I eat that 2nd donut I bought and then surf the net till 12:45 am. Again, I thought of you and realized nobody is dying tonight. I drank more water and went to bed. WTF??? - Marmel"

I can't really take credit for this. This whole thing is actually plagiarized from the book 30 Steps to Banging Hot College Girls. Looks like you are well on your way!

"Clearly someone could one-up this by going to a convenience store at midnight to pick up the cookies/Coke ... this could become fun with 20+ rules." - hoopsguy

I would be pretty excited to see this kind of competition. And I certainly wouldn't be above upping the fun factor by making number 30) DO NOT GET ARRESTED.

"Subby, five Oreos at a time? Is that the serving size? I normally go three at a time (because the packages have three rows, I know there won't be any straggling Oreos). By the way, does anyone else out there eat snacks in specific quantities, or is that just a little OCD poking through in me?" -britrock

This is how many I can lift at once from the package with my thumb and forefinger. If I could lift eighteen, I would lift eighteen. If I could unhinge my jaw, I would eat eighteen. I am just limited in my complete and utter slobbishness by basic physiology.

"Task 1 changed to: Figure out how not to get confused with Chubby." - digamma

I just thought he was CALLING me chubby - which would be completely appropriate.

[sterlingice]

How many ratings does it take to get a thread rated? I thought I put in 5 stars the other day but it gave the thread 3 stars. Does that mean someone had already given it a 1 or that I incompetently gave it 3?

SI

[Masked]

Like many others, I identify with many of the failings Subby has posted (alas I couldn't run a marathon no matter how much money was at stake).

I do okay with breakfast until someone brings a box of donuts into work. There are plenty for everyone, but I still see the others cutting a donut in half in a show of restraint. Meanwhile, I *must* grab an entire donut, and then *must* refill my coffee or water bottle 30 minutes later giving me an another excuse to head down to the kitchen. Clearly, I know I should be ashamed (e.g. the need for an excuse), but I'm unable to stop. Maybe I hungry when I grabbed the first one, but certainly not for the second.

[sterlingice]

Cutting a donut in half? That almost seems more like for show than restraint

SI

[Subby]

DAY NINE

I could go outside, RIGHT NOW, and wrestle a fucking dinosaur into submission. That is how fucking amazing I feel today. Now I know how healthy people feel. I seriously cannot imagine feeling like this ALL OF THE TIME. No wonder healthy people are so fucking annoying. If I felt as good as I do right now, I would be like Gwyneth Paltrow to the SEVENTH POWER annoying (I would also finger myself 24x7). Wait..what? Oh. LIKE Gwyneth. Got it.

Anyway, I crushed my list yesterday. No coffee, no soda, no cookies, got to bed on time, made my breakfast this morning, biked in to work. I did club a gay baby seal at one point, but otherwise, A+. If I feel this good right now, it actually makes me wonder a little bit about my true capabilities. What can I accomplish when I am not in a diabetic coma, drooling on my keyboard at midnight after just having eaten three bowls of VERY DELICIOUS frosted mini-wheats.

Am I still chubby? Yup. Am I still middle-aged? Fuck yeah. Do I have the muscle tone of an infant? Oh dear god yes. But, I don't know. As long as I don't look in the mirror, I am pretty happy and very energized. DON'T WORRY, IT WON'T LAST.

Moving on.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream.
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late.
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.

I was hoping #3 would take care of my completely disgusting candy bar fetish (no, I don't shove them in my asshole). Unfortunately, my COMPLETELY CUNNING brain discovered that they also sell candy bars at grocery stores (which I am currently allowed to enter). In the OLD DAYS (aka two weeks ago) I would occasionally grab three candy bars "for the road". Why? Because after eating the first one I would be sad that it was all gone. So sad for me. OH WAIT! I BOUGHT ANOTHER ONE! Then I would happily eat the second one. MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME SUGAR RUSH GOD SO GOOD PLEASE DO NOT EVER EVER END!!!!! Hmmmm. Good feeling gone. Must get it back. Feel kind of weird. Body sweating now. Maybe third candy bar will fix this. NUM NUM BLORP GROMP.

Now my body is pissed. My foot starts aching. I plot evil. I scream at other drivers. I DO NOT EVER WANT TO EAT ANOTHER CANDY BAR EVER AGAIN. The self loathing is so thick you could drown it in fudge sauce. I get the weird kind of higher consciousness where you can see yourself acting like a complete asshole BUT YOU ARE COMPLETELY HELPLESS TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

And really, what is the point of candy bars any way? Taste. Not nutrition - unless maybe you lived in Appalachia and your only other choice was combos or hot pockets. Do you really need to eat an ENTIRE candy bar to get that sense of taste? Maybe its better to just get a little taste. I don't know. Unfortunately, when alone, I can't eat (or buy) just one. And I can honestly say that there has never, ever, been a time when I died from not eating one. So, lifetime quota of candy bars: met at age 41.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"How many ratings does it take to get a thread rated? I thought I put in 5 stars the other day but it gave the thread 3 stars. Does that mean someone had already given it a 1 or that I incompetently gave it 3?" - SI

I don't know the answer but I didn't even know it was a possibility, either. In order to help you out, I selflessly used my vote to also give this thread five stars. It will now be very hard for them to deny me a huge advance on the book deal which they also cannot now deny to me.

"You should consider adding the following items 'Stop being a lazy sack of no chore doing shit around the house' and 'Stop pretending to not know how a hammer works'." - wife

Hey now. This is about me. Once I get this right (points to heart) I can get this right (points to wife and me). Amiright? (fingergunz)

"fuck you" - wife

Yes dear.

[sterlingice]

I can't wait for "no swearing" day. Wait, there won't be a post.

Or it will be like that episode of the Simpsons where Mr Burns tells Lenny that he's going to fire him but will be sporting and give him a chance to make his case without using the letter "e" and you get something like "I... am... a... good... work-- guy..." before Burns opens up a trap door below him.

SI

[digamma]

Do we do this on weekends or do you give yourself one of those Jenny Craig holidays each week?

[primelord]

I've always known I had a deep love for Subby, but until now was not sure what the source of that love was.

It turns out we are apparently the exact same person.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by digamma

Do we do this on weekends or do you give yourself one of those Jenny Craig holidays each week?

I think Subby said after last weekend that he abides by the rules on the weekend, but will only do one recap, since he has lots of drinking and whoring and such to do on the weekends. Or was it kids sporting events and chores? I forget.

[miked]

Is your wife overly pleased with the new you and supporting it in a way a wife should...with more nookie? Also, alot of these are quite specific and are probably going to get broader as you go along. I mean, like you said earlier, you can stop going to Starbucks but what about Dunkin or other coffee places. Likewise, no candy bars is an awesome goal, but won't you just replace it with like little debbie cakes in the checkout line or something silly?

[britrock88]

Probably better that they're specific so that they're more attainable. Humans have a habit-forming nature; it'd be tough to go cold turkey on 30 significant aspects of one's life. But if he can replace candy bars with Little Debbie cakes for a few weeks, maybe then he can come back around and wean himself from Little Debbie cakes.

[Subby]

DAY 10

Weekends are brutal. I would posit that it is like a recovering coke addict heading back to Studio 57 after a month in rehab. All week long I am in a controlled environment where I get up, go to work, return from work and spend the night in my house. On the weekend, way different. Drive small humans around to random sporting events. Go to big box retailers. SLOWLY DRIVE BY CONVENIENCE STORES.

Sometimes your mind plays tricks on you. Sometimes you walk into a Cold Stone Creamery because getting the ice cream with the family is A-OK. Sometines you order the COFFEE COCK GOBBLER XPLOSION because in order to feel whole you have to consume coffee in every form available. THAT'S OKAY, YOU AREN'T AT STARBUCKS. CHECK! Sometimes you get ahead of yourself and order the size they call I FUCKING LOVE IT because for the love of god you DO LOVE coffee ice creams and caramel and heath bars and for fucks sake THESE THINGS AREN'T ON THE NO NO LIST.

NOM NOM GLORP SNARP

Then you realize, you stupid fucker, you just ordered the Cold Stone Crackhead equivalent of a large, violating shitty habit commandment #4 (no ice cream, except when out with family, and then only a small). Oh and those delicious little Heath Bar pieces in there? CANDY BARS (#9).

So I do what any normal chubby suburban middle aged guy would do, I jam my fist down my throat and bulimicize the sidewalk next to my car. And then I wake up from my sugar induced coma realizing that was just a dream and its too fucking late to undo the damage.

That was Saturday. The upside of Saturday was I managed to follow all of my other rules. In fact, I went to a Nats game that evening and had a few beers (ALLOWED) and had half a thing of Boardwalk Fries (NOT BANNED YET) and it was still just 8:45p. Wait. DAMMIT. ANOTHER RULE BROKEN.

In this case, I am giving myself a break though, since my bed time is 11pm on weekends, so I can probably bump my no eating after 8pm rule to 9pm. But I have to tighten up a little. Got home a little late from the game too, but was in bed pretty quick.

Questionable stuff I did this weekend that is not yet on the list: ate out at Famous Dave's, ate out at Chipotle, ate out at Cold Stone Creamery, ate out at Nats Park, got Bagels for our house guests at Chesapeake Bagel Bakery (technically, ANOTHER RULE BROKEN), got takeout from Listrani's Italian. Sensing a pattern here? Me either. There is no pattern, because weekends are fucked and unpredictable. But at least there's a bright side. I really didn't stay up late. I didn't eat ice cream every day. I stayed out of Starbucks. I didn't touch soda. I DID NOT ENTER A CONVENIENCE STORE.

Any other weekend, I would be a 120 oz deep in Coke Zero, $20 deep into Starbucks, and balls deep into a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Small victories.

ON TO THE NEXT ONE (and Sunday was almost perfect, so one angr face)

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream.
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late.
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast. (Chesapeake Bagel Bakery carry out)
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces per day)

You thought I would give up pizza? What do I look like? An anorexic supermodel that hates herself? I am not giving up pizza. I am giving up being a disgusting twat. Because what I normally do is eat 4-5 pieces. Friday night I had three pieces and would have had two more if my body hadn't tricked me by FALLING ASLEEP IN THE LAZBOY. Dear. God. My body has NO OTHER DEFENSE.

There is never going to be any reason that I need to eat more than two pieces of pizza. EVER. Still hungry? FUCK YOU. YOU JUST ATE SIX HUNDRED CALORIES, MINIMUM. Love the taste? EAT SLOWER, NOM NOM BOT. If I keel over because I didn't eat that third piece of pizza, then I probably am not meant to live a full life anyway. The third piece of pizza serves absolutely no purpose other than to confirm that I am an undisciplined piece of shit. I mean, not to set my man card on fire or anything, but am I going to turn to a life of swapping macrame afghans if I supplement my pizza with a salad once in a while?

Yes, when made the right way, pizza is probably the best food ever. But they make BILLIONS OF IT. I don't have to eat it all at once. Just two pieces. Slowly. Take a deep breath.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"Is your wife overly pleased with the new you and supporting it in a way a wife should...with more nookie?" - miked

That will probably correspond with 17) Stop being a fatass.

"I do okay with breakfast until someone brings a box of donuts into work. There are plenty for everyone, but I still see the others cutting a donut in half in a show of restraint. Meanwhile, I *must* grab an entire donut, and then *must* refill my coffee or water bottle 30 minutes later giving me an another excuse to head down to the kitchen. Clearly, I know I should be ashamed (e.g. the need for an excuse), but I'm unable to stop. Maybe I hungry when I grabbed the first one, but certainly not for the second." - Masked

People who cut donuts in half are fucking psychopaths. You are way ahead of the game.

"It turns out we are apparently the exact same person." - primelord

I got a ticket the other day for waiting a month to get my car inspected and I thought that I might just be the most lazy procrastinating asshole in the world. Then I remembered all the awesome stories you have told me about some of your stuff and I knew I had a soul brother #1 out there.

"Also, alot of these are quite specific and are probably going to get broader as you go along. I mean, like you said earlier, you can stop going to Starbucks but what about Dunkin or other coffee places. Likewise, no candy bars is an awesome goal, but won't you just replace it with like little debbie cakes in the checkout line or something silly?" - miked

Dunkin donuts coffee tastes like donkey cock. There is no way I could drink that. But point taken. I'll take this list to 9000 if I have to do it.

[Subby]

DAY ELEVEN

You know you are doing well when the best you can muster is: OH FUCK I JUST MISSED MY SUNDAY NIGHT BED TIME!

For me however, that has pretty serious consequences. The later I go to bed, the later I sleep. The later I sleep, the less good shit happens to me. How hard is it to put feet on the floor, take a whizz, and go downstairs to make coffee? Why can't I do that? It's because I'm too tired. REALLY? As tired as who, exactly? YOU HAVE A WHITE COLLAR JOB. I should try standing at a register at Home Depot all day. I AM TOO TIRED BECAUSE I SAT ON MY ASS ALL DAY YESTERDAY. Whoo boy. THUG LYFE.

I absolutely have got to get to bed - no more of this bullshit of being in my room near the appointed hour. No more "OH BUT THE GAME IS ON". I have a DVR. If it runs over, tough titties. Just watch the rest of the game in the morning. Stumbling out of my house at 8:30pm means I don't have time to bike to work and I get to work after all the important people. And when you get to work after all the important people, you look like a slacker. And when you look like a slacker, you get passed over for bonuses and promotions. And when you get passed over for bonuses and promotions, you can't make ends meet. When you can't make ends meet, you create a store on Etsy that sells hats for mice. DON'T CREATE A STORE ON ETSY THAT SELLS HATS FOR MICE. Go to bed on time. Don't make me create a stupid rule that you MUST get out of bed by a certain time.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream.
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late.
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza
11. No eating anything located in work kitchen.

Oh work kitchen. You cunning whore. You are barren FOR DAYS and then one day I walk in there and a tray of brownies is sitting on the counter. OUT OF NO WHERE. Sure I just ate, but hey I don't mind if I do! MMMM NUM NUM THIS IS GOOD! There are a ton left, so I will have another! OH GOD SOOOOO GOOD! ONE MORE! Someone is coming! Quick! Wrap two brownies in a napkin and put it in your pocket and go to your office and EAT MORE OF THESE.

Today there is a tin of salted nuts in there. Last week there was a leftover cake. During Halloween everyone brings in their leftover candy. I EAT ALL OF IT. There is also microwave popcorn in there. It is horrible, but I will eat it. You could probably put whipped cream on a gorilla dong and if it was on the counter in our work kitchen I would take a bite of it. MMMM GORILLA DONG GOOD.

So now, because I am an out of control moron, the work kitchen is off limits. I can store my food in the fridge and drink the shitty coffee, but that's it.

YOUR MOVE, BRAIN'S PLEASURE CENTER.

[sterlingice]

So, usually my wife's responses to me chuckling about something on my laptop is a slightly dismissive "something on the message board?" And if I start reading something to her from FOFC, you can set a clock to how long it will take her eyes to glaze over and politely humor me tho you know she's long since stopped caring (17 seconds, for the record). However, with this thread, after I showed her, I dunno- day 3 or whatever, she's asked on no less than 3 occasions "So what's the Bad Habit guy quitting today."

So, to you I dedicate this image I found in the Random Images thread like 100 pages ago:


SI

[Subby]

DAY TWELVE

Last night I ate a really good cheeseburger and really good french fries from a place called The Burger Joint. I did not get a soda or a milkshake. But then I "ate" (destroyed?) them by myself, in my car while I was driving from work to a swim meet. I felt like a total dolt, leaning down, eating like a deathrow inmate at every stoplight, shoving french fries down my FRENCH FRY CRUSHER so that I would be finished before I got to my destination. The whole driving and eating thing is crazy and I do it a lot. Not as much as I used to since I am not allowed in SBUX or convenience stores, but as evidenced by last night, it happens. Is there anything worse than pulling up to a stop light and looking over and seeing a middle aged guy wolfing down a cheeseburger and fries? The self loathing really sets the mood. There is probably a thin sheen of perspiration involved. If I was a long range trucker, that would be one thing, but the most I am in the car is an hour. DO I HAVE TO EAT? Do I really want one of those hoarder cars that is like stuffed to the gills with fast food bags and fry tips? Eating in your car while still in your state is a sign of horrific desperation. Oh my god if I do not eat RIGHT FUCKING NOW I will be SO WEAKENED that I will arrive at my destination and be UNABLE TO EMERGE FROM MY VEHICLE.

So cheeseburger, good. Fries good. Together? Maybe not so good. JAM IN FACE WHILE CAR? Fuck no.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream.
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late.
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).

I once again missed getting to bed on time last night, waking up this morning at 715am. This is ridiculous. From now on, weekday or weekend, I am waking up at 600am. When you wake up late, that leaves you no time for good stuff like breakfast and coffee at home, taking the dog out, exercising, seeing kids in a non HURRY THE FUCK UP TIME TO GO scenario. Plus it just FEELS lazy. Sleeping in is for the unemployed and/or hardcore gamers. I'm 41 ffs and don't fit either category. Be a man, not a half man, and get the fuck out of bed.

WE TAKE QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"So, usually my wife's responses to me chuckling about something on my laptop is a slightly dismissive "something on the message board?" And if I start reading something to her from FOFC, you can set a clock to how long it will take her eyes to glaze over and politely humor me tho you know she's long since stopped caring (17 seconds, for the record). However, with this thread, after I showed her, I dunno- day 3 or whatever, she's asked on no less than 3 occasions "So what's the Bad Habit guy quitting today." - SI

I think this is a dynasty that wives can get behind. I think that in a recent Harris Poll, 87% of wives polled found their husband "more than average" disgusting.

In that vein, I made the mistake of showing this to my wife the other night. NOW there is a lot of pressure because she wants to read it every day. AND she told my sister about it, so my entire family now knows that I am a fat, profane, half-man that posts blogs on message boards for text sim enthusiasts. #winning? Plus I can't give it up porn because then my wife will then know that I watch porn. So now I have to pretend that I don't watch porn. I mean The Wiggles.

[Autumn]

Perhaps we can use some euphemisms for porn. The Wiggles is a good start. But we'll need different ones for different genres. I suggest "You Can't Do That On Television" for bukakke porn.

I often wonder how many people get in accidents because they were trying to eat something while driving. But of course they never admit that. Whenever I'm eating in the car I realize how easy it would be -- you really need to steer around that braking car, but it would mean having to drop your sandwich! Better put the sandwich down fir---CRASH. "I don't know what happened, Officer."

[Grover]

Originally Posted by Autumn

Perhaps we can use some euphemisms for porn. The Wiggles is a good start. But we'll need different ones for different genres. I suggest "You Can't Do That On Television" for bukakke porn.

So the girl gets "slimed" when she says "What?"

[sterlingice]

So, I have had to be careful about reading this at work during breaks. I have recently had a new person move into my office and I didn't want to have to explain why I couldn't control my snickering at "MMMM GORILLA DONG GOOD".

SI

[Subby]

DAY THIRTEEN

The thing about cutting shit out of your life is that it empowers you to do really stupid things. HEY IF I CAN CUT OUT COOKIES, I CAN PROBABLY FREE CLIMB THIS ROCK WALL! No. You can't. I mean, you can free climb the rockwall to about 7 feet and then fall on your tailbone and rupture a manboob. And probably pee a little blood. But you have to be careful. Ending so many bad habits at one time really does make you think you can do anything. You get these weird rushes of euphoria. You are happier and chattier. You are funnier. Ego gets bigger. You hit on the intern. LAWSUIT. FIRED. Back to sucking down entire packages on 7-11 cookies in one sitting on the drive home (yes, I have done this).

Best to pace yourself. Look in the mirror (YUP, STILL FAT!) and stay steady. A lot of the most successful people never get too high (I AM A GOLDEN COCKED GOD) or too low (OH NO DRAMAWHORE IS CRYING AGAIN!) Stay in the middle, stay incremental, stay steady. Next thing you know, you will go to bed not having done a metric fucton of the bad shit that used to derail you.

The past 24 hours was like that for me. I mean, I am to the point where I don't even THINK about drinking soda or going into Starbucks. Every day it becomes closer and closer to second nature. I worry that one of these days I am going to accidentally make myself a root beer float and wash it down with a delicious plate-sized cookie. And then start sobbing. Steady as she goes. Until tomorrow at least.

NEXT

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream.
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late.
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise.

OH GREAT I KNEW THIS WAS A WEIGHT-LOSS DYNASTY IN DISGUISE.

Do I need to lose weight? Yes. Have I lost massive amounts of weight before? Yes again. In fact, I have been as light as 163 pounds (2007) but now tip the scales at 216. Do I want to stop being a disgusting fatass that can't/won't/really shouldn't take his shirt off in public. Of course.

I just can't do the weight-loss dynasty again, though. Weighing myself every day, counting all my stupid calories. That works for some people, but I've done it three times now and I am not doing it again. There are so many adult males out there (LIKE ME) that just look like they have given up. Huge stomachs. Golf shirts. Ill-fitting khakis. Or maybe an ironic t-shirt and cargo shorts on the weekend. DOUBLE XL PLEASE. I'M HUSKY.

My main problem is that I am lazy as shit. If given the opportunity, I would lay around all day and watch television. I would sit in front of the computer for eight straight hours. Time to eat? GET SOMETHING DELIVERED. I will also go weeks without exercising. My heart probably going to pull an ICBM and explode out of my chest on its way to destroying an enemy city. Why not exercise? it won't fucking kill you to do 30 minutes of cardio every day. You make time to be on the computer for 300 minutes. Do you REALLY need to see something clever on the Internet? RIGHT NOW? No, you don't. You need to stop being a lazy fuck and go do something for a minimum of thirty minutes.

Cut out bad habits. Cardio for 30 minutes. Repeat. Still die? Yes.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"bukakke porn" - Autumn

LOLWUT? I don't know what that is. But next time I play Yahtzee with my relatives I will definitely yell BUUUKAKKE! Sounds like something a samurai would say.

"Whenever I'm eating in the car I realize how easy it would be -- you really need to steer around that braking car, but it would mean having to drop your sandwich! Better put the sandwich down fir---CRASH. "I don't know what happened, Officer."" - AUTUMN

My level of idiocy exceeds that. I insist on bringing my ENTIRE coffee pot in the car with my coffee MUG (NOT travel mug). Sometimes I throw in an egg sandwich for fun. I am pretty sure I have run over a few hobos. But I am CERTAIN, that I have spilled the entire pot of coffee in my car. At least twice. BUT AT LEAST I GOT MY BREAKFAST.

"So, I have had to be careful about reading this at work during breaks. I have recently had a new person move into my office and I didn't want to have to explain why I couldn't control my snickering at "MMMM GORILLA DONG GOOD"." - SI

We got a bull penis chewie for our dog and it was the worst thing ever. It totally smelled like bull penis. We've never gotten it again. I bet Gorilla dong is worse though.

[heybrad]

Originally Posted by Subby

Huge stomachs. Golf shirts. Ill-fitting khakis. Or maybe an ironic t-shirt and cargo shorts on the weekend. DOUBLE XL PLEASE. I'M HUSKY.

I didn't want to be the 10th guy to pop in and say, "We're the same!!!", but Jesus H dude... it's like you have a hidden camera on me or something.

[MacroGuru]

Originally Posted by heybrad

I didn't want to be the 10th guy to pop in and say, "We're the same!!!", but Jesus H dude... it's like you have a hidden camera on me or something.

Hey Brad.... Me too....

[cuervo72]

Darnit, I took today off and decided to rest my legs rather than go to the Y between running days on Tue/Thur.

[Lathum]

I too am like Subby in almost all these ways

1. No soda.- I don't drink it a ton but if it is here I will, so my wife just doesn't let us buy it, but I find ways around that. If it was free at work I would be an addict like I used to be when it was, free at work.

2. No Starbucks.- never been a fan

3. No Convenience Stores.- I am dreadful with this. There is a gas station by my sons daycare and I go there all the time. It is to the point where the clerk knows way more about me than he should. I often find myself eating a bag of cheetos and drinking a diet coke at 7 AM.

4. No ice cream.- much like soda if it is here I will eat it. Fast.

5. No eating after 8pm.- like a lot of people with young kids after he goes to bed around 8 we unwind and watch TV. And eat like crap.

6. No staying up late.- I am incapable of doing this

7. No cookies.-One isn't enough, there is a dollar store right by work and that is a bad, bad, place.

8. No buying breakfast.- I do this a couple of times a week and it is totally unnecessary. Not only is there a kitchen in my home, but one at work as well.

9. No candy bars.- purchased often at convenience store.

10. No gorging pizza- my company is big on buying lunch for us, at least once a week we get pizza brought in. I always eat 4 slices. Because it is free.

11. No food from work kitchen.- there is a girl who works in another office who every time she has to come to my office she brings baked goods. While appreciated the problem is she is transferring to my office next month. I'm frightened.

12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am). I have a 2 year old, sleeping in doesn't happen.

[britrock88]

163/216... How tall are you and what's your build?

As for getting cardio-type exercise, I find it WAY more preferable to do something like play pick-up volleyball or basketball for 2-3 hours a week. I probably have an easy time of finding pick-up games on a college campus, but playing a sport with purpose beats the heck out of pounding feet on a treadmill or something.

[Critch]

You're giving up the very few things that make life worth living when you're middle aged.

If you add cheese and beer to the list, there'll be nothing left.

[Subby]

DAY FOURTEEN

So yesterday I ran 20 miles. I ran to work in the morning (11.1) and then took a different route home in the evening (9.6). I biked into work this morning.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

I have a stupid bet with this woman in the office that is a SIDE BET of a larger bet we made at the beginning of the summer. The big bet is that starting June 1, we (two colleagues of mine and me) had to run 175 miles by the end of July OR pay $80 to the other two participants. EASY. Of course, being the procrastinating PIECE OF SHIT that I am, I had run all of 44 miles by July 23rd. The woman in the lead had 67 and was taunting me. I WILL NOT ABIDE TAUNTING. So I make a stupid bet of like $10 that I will have more total mileage than her at the end of the day on July 31st. It's not about the money, of course, it's about PAYING THE MONEY. I will not ever EVER pay money out for running challenges. Why? Because that part of my brain has not fully formed and I have no problem running myself into Grade 5 coma if it means NOT LOSING a bet. I don't even care about winning. I just don't want to lose and fork over anything.

So I ran 20 miles and change yesterday. Double chin, manboobs, everything. What the hell would I be capable of if I could shed 50 pounds (AKA A SMALL THIRD GRADER). I am basically carrying an elementary school student in my body. That's how fat I am. I can't even imagine the kind of ass I could kick if I lost 50 pounds. Twenty miles? Fuck that. I lose 50 pounds and I can run 20 miles, blow up a meth lab, and impregnate a female senator (yes I know they are all menopausal. THAT'S HOW FUCKING AWESOME I WOULD BE).

So that's all just a fancy way of saying that I worked out the last two days.

ON TO THE NEXT TURRIBULL HABIT

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream.
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late.
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise.
14. No sports drinks

I love seeing big fat guys grabbing a gatorade and a bag of fritos to go with their footlong sub. HEY GOING TO WORK OUT THERE, USAIN? Holy shit, I just crushed those stairs going to my kid's school GET ME A VITAMIN WATER. IT IS BETTER THAN REGULAR WATER BECAUSE IT HAS VITAMINS AND SUGAR.

If I am getting my nutrition from a sports drink, then I am fucked anyway. It sucks too, because they make Vitamin water and Gatorade SO GAWDAMNN TASTY. I could drink that red vitamin water every fucking day. But it's expensive and high calorie. And the low calorie/zero calorie tastes like Zima. And everyone knows Zima tastes like deer urine.

Plus I am convinced that shit makes your teeth weak. Weak teeth, manboobs, and small hands. WHO IS GETTING MOIST HERE? HMMMM?

Look, if you are going to work out or play hard for 45 minutes or more that's one thing. But as a casual drink, why? You knew once they started providing gatorade as a fountain drink at 7-11 that it was as shitty as the rest of the sodas and slurpees.

So from now on, I am not drinking that shit. Unless I buy the powder and mix it up myself (LIKE A BOSS) and drink it after I burn 500+ calories during exercise.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"I didn't want to be the 10th guy to pop in and say, "We're the same!!!", but Jesus H dude... it's like you have a hidden camera on me or something." - heybrad

No one WANTS to look like this or dress like this (unless they have Aspberger's and even then...). I have vivid memories of walking back to my office, huge bag of carry-out lunch in had, when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window. I almost always hate what is starring back. Out of shape, poorly dressed, 1,200 calories waiting to be ingested. WAY TO STEP UP YOUR GAME, PLAYER! SUCCESS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER! Then I play a little mental game and try and spot all the middle-aged losers that look even worse than me. Because hey - if I'm not the absolute WORST, I'm still ahead of the game! #winning.

"Darnit, I took today off and decided to rest my legs rather than go to the Y between running days on Tue/Thur. - cuervo"

I used to be a big fan of rest days. Then I would use those days to eat 4,000 calories and negate everything I did the previous day. CUNNING. There is nothing worse than working out when you are full of food (AND SHITTING YOUR PANTS WHOOPS!), so for me it is usually means I eat less on days when I know I am going to exercise.

"I too am like Subby in almost all these ways" - Lathum

I would never try and get rid of bad habits if I had small kids. Bad habits are the only thing that get you through having to change diapers. That said - Cheetohs and Diet Coke at 7am? You're better than that.

"As for getting cardio-type exercise, I find it WAY more preferable to do something like play pick-up volleyball or basketball for 2-3 hours a week. I probably have an easy time of finding pick-up games on a college campus, but playing a sport with purpose beats the heck out of pounding feet on a treadmill or something." - britrock

I'm 5'10 with a medium build. A/S/L?

As far as exercise is concerned, I suck at sports, so playing anything in a group setting is usually just a massive exercise in failure and humiliation. The only thing I like to do is run (outside - treadmills are for psychos). I also bought a bike at the beginning of the year to commute to work (which I can tolerate). Running is what I do though. If I couldn't run then I would be completely fucked.

"You're giving up the very few things that make life worth living when you're middle aged. If you add cheese and beer to the list, there'll be nothing left." -critch
See, I think I am adding stuff that DOESN'T MATTER. I have not removed alcohol. Or liquid cocaine. Or casual sex with sorrority girls. Those things make life worth living. Beer, yes! Cheese, yes! CARAMEL WAFFLE COOKIES FROM EXXON QUICK MART? No.

[britrock88]

23/M/NC. But I really was trying to put your weight into context; I'm no creepy Internet denizen. (Well, not for that reason, anyway.)

Congrats on having the fortitude to enjoy running on its own. I'll also vouch for biking being nice.

And good choice on the sports drinks. Too much sugar for the salt you get. Pity that salt tablets have fallen out of favor with the whole sodium-avoidance craze.

[QuikSand]

pathetically late to the party here, but I'm rooting for you, fellow baller

[RendeR]

Unless you are taking part in HARD physical exercise for more than an hour at a time you do NOT NEED sports drinks EVER. They are horrible for you unless you are ACTUALLY doing heavy cardio exercise.

[gkb]

I'm so vain I think this dynasty is about me.

Seriously, l'm really enjoying this dynasty. I hate to chime in like a lot of others, but you've pretty much summed up my life here.

[Subby]

DAY FIFTEEN

Here is how I have done over the past few days with each thing on my list:

1. No soda = this has been pretty easy. I have been drinking sparkling water instead, which tastes like an actuary's balls, but is still better than soda. My heart palpitations and nutrasweet brain lesion fueled headaches seem to be completely cleared up, too.

2. No Starbucks. = FUCK THESE FUCKING SCAM ARTISTS. I guess this how someone feels when they get away from Scientology or Mary Kay. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BRAINWASHED FOR SO LONG? Who the fuck pays $2.50 for a cup of coffee? Or $3.50 for a little breakfast sandwich? Overpaying for Starbucks does not make you a BALLER. It makes you a SUCKA. Well, needless to say, I don't miss the $5 caffeinated milk drinks at all.

3. No Convenience Stores. = I don't think I understood how huge this is. Convenience stores are my Kevin Bacon of bad habits. Most of the dumb shit I did was linked to convenience stores. HOW CONVENIENT. For whatever reason, I feel stupid going into a grocery store for a quick convenience item (OH I AM GOING TO MACK ON THESE LARABARS!)

4. No ice cream. = Side benefit of only getting ice cream while out with family (which I have only done once) is that I am way less mucusy, less congested than before. That has immediately translated to SNORING LESS. If you want the "getting laid" quotient to go down precipitously in your house, try snoring some time.

5. No eating after 8pm. = What a ridiculous difference this makes. This could, no lie, be a 1000 calories difference every day for me. And that 1000 calories usually was ingested within an hour of falling asleep. I was seriously worried that I was going to snap with this one, but I think I only technically broke the rule twice, once while eating in my car (enjoy it while it last, slobby fucker!) and once at a Nats game on a weekend. I will pay a billion dollars to anyone that dies from not eating after 8pm. If you are so hungry that you commit suicide, then that's on you. Sorry.

6. No staying up late. = This has been the hardest one to control.Why? What the fuck is special about staying up late? For a forty year-old man there is NOTHING FOR YOU after 10pm on a weeknight. NOTHING. The silver lining is that I am not ever staying up past midnight, which used to happen pretty much every night.

7. No cookies. = I might as well have given up unicorn wrangling. I have not even SEEN a cookie since I gave them up. Part of it is that I am eating out less. I am also not going to convenience stores or Starbucks. I still love cookies though and if my wife were to randomly make them I would eat them. Weird. In the past it seemed like I was shoving cookies in my CAKE CRUSHER every other hour, on the hour.

8. No buying breakfast. = After a week of going off the fucking reservation, I added this little one in. I have been pretty happy with the results. The change has forced me to stop by the grocery store every morning and buy breakfast (usually oatmeal, banana, juice) and snack (clifbar and another banana) and lunch (bagged salad) all for LESS than I was paying to eat breakfast out. NOW I AM ADDICTED TO GROCERY STORES.

9. No candy bars. = I was raiding a co-worker's office the other day because she has these delicious little Dove chocolate miniatures that she keeps PERMASTOCKED in a bowl on her desk. I am not lying when I say I grab ten at a time sometimes and eat them all. BUT WAIT. THESE ARE JUST MINIATURE CANDY BARS!! MOTHERFUCKER! So pretty much no chocolate for me now - except for M&Ms. And I really do have a problem there. But at least I am eating 10 less candy bars per week now. Maybe I won't have to get my leg amputated after all!

10. No gorging pizza = I am just getting 18" New York style pizza from here on out. Make the most of those two pieces. Actually, I have not been tempted yet, but with the weekend on tap, I know it is coming. I MUST BE STRONG.

11. No food from work kitchen. = Some dude had a birthday party at our office the other day and left a massive birthday cake in our office. Killer frosting, frosting balloons on it, ALL MY FAVORITES. In days of yore, I would have had a MASSIVE piece, right off the bat, then mosied back to the kitchen for two more pieces throughout the day. Sorry, birthday cake...YOU ARE IN THE KITCHEN. I CANNOT EAT U. We also had a catered lunch in the office yesterday, which always means a tray of baked treats. Without fail, I eat 5-7 things (cookies, brownies, cheesecake, etc) from that tray by the end of the day. Yesterday it took all of the willpower I had. But once the catered lunch was over, they put that tray in the kitchen. That's all I needed. SORRY BAKED GOODS, U WILL NOT GO IN MY TUMMY. KITCHEN IS DANGER ZONE.

12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am). = This might be the best thing on the list. Getting up early and getting shit done is indescribably awesome. Sleeping in while your kids try to make eggs and set the house on fire is not.

13. No skipping exercise.= Early returns are in, and I've done this for three days in a row. Fat guy exercises...YAY! Let's not get too excited here.

14. No sports drinks = I usually get killed on the weekends, so the jury is still out.

And on to the next:

15. No more caffeine abuse

As I have alluded to before, I ingest an absolutely SICK amount of caffeine every day/ While I may have cut back a little with the soda going away, I still drink 40 or more ounces of coffee every day, plus iced tea when available. While I am a firm believer in the salutary effects of caffeine, I also think it is one of those things that can be bad for you if you have too much. Plus its a huge fucking crutch. You don't need caffeine, you need to stop being such a lazy bag of dicks. You crave caffeine because you don't get enough sleep, you eat too much shit that's bad for you, and your body hates you and wants to shut down every chance it gets.

I don't even know if I love coffee, but I certainly act like I do. I mean, aside from the yellow teeth, sour stomach, heart palpitations, DAD RAGE, and hooker breath. Other than those things, it's completely awesome. I don't NEED to drink that much and I sure as fuck don't need to drink it at night. For fuck's sake, unless I am driving on a highway at 2am, I need to abstain. Too much of it fucks up my sleep, makes me dehydrated, and so on. So for the time being, NO MORE than two drinks with caffeine, per day. Hopefully cutting my intake in half (and not drinking it after 8pm) will help. I CAN'T RIDE THE DRAGON ANYMORE. I CAN'T. I WON'T.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"pathetically late to the party here, but I'm rooting for you, fellow baller" - Quik

I'll be calling on you when I get to the part where I need to trade in my pathetic wardrobe for some BALLER WEAR.Faconnable shirts >>> golf shirts.

"Unless you are taking part in HARD physical exercise for more than an hour at a time you do NOT NEED sports drinks EVER. They are horrible for you unless you are ACTUALLY doing heavy cardio exercise." - RendeR

Plus all that sugar will cause SUGARBEETUS.

"Seriously, l'm really enjoying this dynasty. I hate to chime in like a lot of others, but you've pretty much summed up my life here." - gkb

I know there is a movie idea in here somewhere. I also know no one would go to see that movie.

[DaddyTorgo]

Disagree. If you made it a comedy with some actor who can carry off dad-rage and an internal monologue, it would be hilarious.

[cuervo72]

CBS show.

[Young Drachma]

Originally Posted by cuervo72

CBS show.

SHIT MY SUBBY SAYS.

[Radii]

Originally Posted by Dark Cloud

SHIT MY SUBBY SAYS.

Only if Shatner is in it somehow.

[Subby]

DAY SIXTEEN

This weekend has been interesting. I am finding that when you give up so many of your bad habits, missing one or two isn't the massive trigger it once was to completely shoot yourself in the face. Or foot. Probably foot. I mean, in the past I would not go for a run, so naturally I would eat five pieces of pizza and then around 930pm have a massive bowl of ice cream, then pass out and wake up and eat something else and then stay up until two and force feed myself cookies and drink diet cokes so I could stay awake. HAHHAAHA FUCK YOU FOR NOT RUNNING. I WILL SHOW YOU!

Or maybe I would get up at 8am. Fuck me, already late for work! NO TIME FOR BREAKFAST! Then drive into work, stop at Starbucks, spend $10 on a massive drink, breakfast sandwich AND scone (THEY'RE TASTY!), go out for lunch, eat four pieces of ice cream cake from the work kitchen.

Seriously - all that stuff would just chain event. Day after day after day until I was perpetually weak, chubby, tired, self-defeated, and kinda gross.

This weekend was nice. I stayed up later than I should, and was tired as hell, but didn't go crazy on coffee. I didn't work out Saturday but doubled up on Sunday. I didn't eat great, but wasn't a slob either and never ate after eight. If you miss one, you miss one. You still have 15 other things you are quitting.

So, no surprise, but another massive fail needs to be addressed:

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.

I thought I would be slick and get my eating in the car problem under control. I did not. Saturday night I made a run to District Taco and ordered a basic breakfast taco with chorizo - FOR THE ROAD. For the road? What am I, a long range trucker? Everything about it was bad (except for the taco - DELICIOUS). I drove erratically. I spilled shit in my car. Teenage girls literally pulled up beside me at a light, glanced over, and quickly glanced away as if I was a fat middle aged man shoving a breakfast taco down his hole AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. I mean, I could have driven the ten minutes it takes to get home and had the food at a table designed for eating (or fuck, in front of the television). But no. EAT IT NOW OR THE COPS FIND ME PASSED OUT AT A LIGHT IN A SUGARBEETUS COMA.

Why do I have to eat so fast in the first place? BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW IF AND WHEN YOU'LL EAT AGAIN, SUBBY. THIS COULD BE IT FOR DAYS. I would have lasted exactly one day as a caveman. "What? WE HAVE TO KILL ANOTHER MASTODON IN ORDER TO EAT??? THAT WILL TAKE DAYS!!! FUCK THIS I AM JUMPING IN THAT VOLCANO!"

Not being allowed to eat in the car is me saying fuck you to me for being so weak and spineless. For fuck's sake, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET TO YOUR DESTINATION. No one died at the wheel from hunger. No one. Ever.

[Kodos]

This is by far the most entertaining dynasty I've read in YEARS.

[korme]

Originally Posted by britrock88

163/216... How tall are you and what's your build?

As for getting cardio-type exercise, I find it WAY more preferable to do something like play pick-up volleyball or basketball for 2-3 hours a week. I probably have an easy time of finding pick-up games on a college campus, but playing a sport with purpose beats the heck out of pounding feet on a treadmill or something.

This, for sure. I play tennis at least once a week. Hell of a workout, and I don't even realize it

[Izulde]

This thread made me hungry for tacos. Off to Taco Bell I go.

[Autumn]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

Disagree. If you made it a comedy with some actor who can carry off dad-rage and an internal monologue, it would be hilarious.

This is the show that Louis C. K. should be doing basically. I think I read Subby's posts in his voice.

[Blackadar]

Originally Posted by Kodos

This is by far the most entertaining dynasty I've read in YEARS.

+1000

Having taken (and continuing on) the same journey over the last couple of years, I'm laughing my ass off. I still can't run anywhere close to 20 miles though.


HINT FOR SUBBY: To get around #4, buy the Italian Ice packs found in your local grocery. One of the brands has only 100 calories in each cup. It's an excellent substitute for ice cream. And oh, the Weight Watchers ice cream bars don't suck either.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by Blackadar

+1000

Having taken (and continuing on) the same journey over the last couple of years, I'm laughing my ass off. I still can't run anywhere close to 20 miles though.


HINT FOR SUBBY: To get around #4, buy the Italian Ice packs found in your local grocery. One of the brands has only 100 calories in each cup. It's an excellent substitute for ice cream. And oh, the Weight Watchers ice cream bars don't suck either.

Skinny Cow Ice Cream sandwiches are where it's at.

[Subby]

DAY SEVENTEEN

So I pulled up to a stoplight today and was not eating. And the hot college chick in the car next to me GOT OUT OF THE CAR so she could come talk to me. If I had been eating something, that would have never happened.

"I noticed you've only had two cups of coffee today."

I nodded in wonderment.

"And you don't smell like a quarter pound big bite or xtreme taquito."

She could obviously tell I had not been to a convenience store in WEEKS.

"Where are the Starbucks bags and empty coffee cups that are usually rolling around on your floorboards?"

I wasn't sure. They seemed to have magically disappeared.

"What time did you go to bed last night? If you say 10pm, that will be so hot. I WILL PROBABLY STICK MY TONGUE IN YOUR EAR!"

That was too much for me to handle. So my penis exploded and I woke up and shambled into the bathroom instead. I got back in bed and tried hard to fall back asleep so I could go back to the world where hot college girls thought middle aged guys were hot. But I know better. I'm OLD. MIDDLE-AGED. No matter what I do outside of winning the lottery or changing my last name to Buttafuco, I am still going to be a regular middle-aged guy.

But honestly, who gives a shit. Is there anything worse than the guy my age at my local pool who hits on the teenageed girls. SO CONCERNED FOR THEM. He listens to all of their problems WITH DEEP INTEREST. He is in good shape and probably only has one bad habit - HITTING ON TEENAGED GIRLS. Probably better off to stay invisible to them and stay out of jail. Short term not as fun, long term much better.

It's called GROWING THE FUCK UP AND STOP BEING THE MANCHILD THAT NO ONE RESPECTS. Oh boohoo - life is boring, you have to get up and go to work every day and provide for your family. SO SAD FOR YOU. As Louis CK says - "no one cares about 40 year-olds. Shut the fuck up and do your job."

And that's my disjointed rant about creepy middle aged guys!

On to the next habit!

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.

Oh you thought this was going to be all about eating? This is not a diet dynasty. This is about bad habits and this is probably one of my worst. It is simple. Brush twice a day, floss once, MINIMUM. But no, I cannot be bothered to even do the minimum. NO TIME, TOO BUSY. How hard is it to spend five minutes every night flossing (I have the easy to use plastic floss picks), brushing (I have the mackdaddy SonicCare brush), and rinsing (YAY CREST!)

TOO MUCH BOTHER.

So I have terrible teeth, lots of fillings. I often don't brush in the morning which means I am probably one of those people that has sewer breath (NOT HELPED BY COFFEE). In fact, if my breath is as bad as the OTHER people in my office that drink coffee, then my wife has every right to punch me in the balls with both fists. The health risks are ridiculous. Plus people without teeth look like fucking freaks. NO OFFENSE FREAKS, TRY BRUSHING.

It's probably too late for me, but I swear to fuck I am going to stop being like my 11 year-old who melts down every time I ask him to brush his teeth. Honestly, 41 is way to old to be throwing passive aggressive temper tantrums. I DON'T LIKE BRUSHING AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME SO I WILL CAUSE ALL OF MY TEETH TO FALL OUT. Oh, and I will have a heart attack because of the plaque buildup. AWESOME!

You wanted shitty habits? This is a shitty habit. This is the most embarrassing habit so far, BY FAR. A grown man that can't even take care of his own mouth. Ridiculous.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"This is by far the most entertaining dynasty I've read in YEARS." - Kodos

I love that this is a dynasty. I AM CHARACTERIZED BY SUSTAINED GREATNESS!

"This, for sure. I play tennis at least once a week. Hell of a workout, and I don't even realize it" - korme

I spend enough time with people, running is awesome alone time. I don't want to get away from my family just so I can go out and hang out with OTHER people. I mean yes I do love hanging out with my family. [ED NOTE: Please delete this from television script]

"This thread made me hungry for tacos. Off to Taco Bell I go." - Izulde

I am sad for you that you live in a place where that is your go to place for Tacos. To be fair, if it is 10pm at night, I am right there with you. OR WAS (bustamove).

"To get around #4, buy the Italian Ice packs found in your local grocery. One of the brands has only 100 calories in each cup. It's an excellent substitute for ice cream. And oh, the Weight Watchers ice cream bars don't suck either" - Blackadar

Very cool with what works for others, but this is not a weight loss dynasty for me. If I had those in my house, I would eat them all. I just need to change my behavior, and replacing heroin with methadone probably isn't going to do it. Only getting heroin with the family at a local heroin establishment is the only way for me.

"Skinny Cow Ice Cream sandwiches are where it's at." - DaddyTorgo

Yes, plural. Preferably four and then we'll see how we feel.

[Grover]

I often only brush in the morning. I try to get into the habit of brushing at night, but TOO FUCKING HARD.

[britrock88]

Originally Posted by korme

This, for sure. I play tennis at least once a week. Hell of a workout, and I don't even realize it

I walked 18 today, starting at about 3:30 when it was over 90 out. Believe it or not, that was a serious workout. I checked my pulse on hole 13 or so and it was hanging around 70% of my max pulse rate (double my resting rate).

[Kodos]

When I am tired at night, flossing is often a casualty. Brushing also becomes a casualty sometimes, although not nearly as often. Sometimes I just rinse with listerine (HEY, this stuff restores ENAMEL!). If I am feeling overwhelmingly tired, I just pop in my night guard and it is off to bed with me!

[sterlingice]

Prediction: #23 Give up punching coworkers when they start coming up to your cubicle because they aren't chased away by your awful breath?

SI