What to do for a broken heart?

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by EagleFan

Via text? If she can't even tell you to your face then she isn't worth it.

This to me is the biggest red flag in the situation...

Anyway, give her space and time and keep yourself busy.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

No way. When I was single again at 34, there were so many opportunities, I was like a kid in a candy shop.

[IlliniCub]

Thanks guys I feel a little better today already I'm definitely not out of the woods yet but it's nice to feel that it is going to be ok one way or another. I'm going to drink today and wallow and take a sick day tomorrow then try to start things fresh and positive on Tuesday.

[claphamsa]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

Thanks guys I feel a little better today already I'm definitely not out of the woods yet but it's nice to feel that it is going to be ok one way or another. I'm going to drink today and wallow and take a sick day tomorrow then try to start things fresh and positive on Tuesday.

im 36 and not even close to being ready to get married

[Matthean]

I remember talking to a girl who said most guys were clueless until they hit their 30s.

[RainMaker]

One thing I found when I hit 30 is a lot of the 25-28 year old women are eyeing guys like you. You usually have more money in the bank and some stability in life. It's a great time.

[JAG]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

You've already been smacked around a lot with this, but my youngest brother married this year at 31 and the middle one married last year a month before he turned 37. I'm not sure where you got the idea that you're over the hill for marriage at 27, but it's far from the truth.

[bbor]

My ex left me after 16 years,Just walked out the door and didn't turn back.No reason (at that time) or anything...just needed 'space'.( Little did i know at that time she needed 'space' for more time with her boyfriend.).

I was pretty shocked that she was gone,and of course i was hoping she was coming back (obvi not). It didn't even hit me that she wasn't really coming back until i heard she was pregnant!

Anyways,I threw myself into my work (i'm an RE agent) that is probably what saved me.Keep busy,don't stand still,don't think,be numb and single minded.I had my best year ever work wise and still dated 2 or 3 times a week.Now after busting my ass of i am set financially,i've met a great girl (that is the polar opposite of my ex) and we've been together for 8 months.I barely ever think of my ex,and have moved on to bigger and better things.

It's fuckin tough,and it hurts like hell at the beginning....and all advice you get from friends and family is great and supportive and will help you though this.It;s hard to believe that you can come out on the other side of this but you can!

Bottom line is....and i think someone has said it before in the thread is keep busy for yourself.....the days will go by and the hurt will ebb away....and you will wake up one day with a brand new life. It will actually be exciting to see where this new path leads you.

[Kodos]

Originally Posted by Julio Riddols

The way I dealt with my biggest instance of heartbreak was to remind myself constantly that wasting time caring for someone who doesn't even know how they feel about you is pointless. For me, the realization that having some me time would be good helped. I spent a lot of time with friends, just living the single life, enjoying my freedom. There is something to be said for not having anyone to answer to.

To me, this says she is interested in someone else more than you and is having a hard time just coming out with it because she doesn't want to hurt you that bad. The worst part about that is that the games and the constant will she/won't she is going to be a lot worse than just cutting loose and finding someone who will appreciate you.

Best bet in my opinion is to sever ties completely and forget about her as a potential love interest. It's not worth the time and effort to try and hold on to someone like this and it'll most likely do a lot more harm than good to try and salvage. Her loss.

Having been in a similar situation 20 years ago, I completely agree. Cut her loose. And don't bother trying to be friends. It will only be an ongoing source of pain. Find someone else who will appreciate you.

[Izulde]

Yep. If you don't cut her loose and instead do the friends thing with one of you having feelings and the other having what I like to call half-feelings, it only leads to the soggy, halfway house of a complicated, tense friendship that's more hassle than it's worth.

In the end, the final end just gets drawn out and you waste several months (or even years) of time, energy, and emotion that could be spent finding someone you truly belong with.

[Suburban Rhythm]

Originally Posted by EagleFan

Via text? If she can't even tell you to your face then she isn't worth it.

I think this got overlooked.

You're 27, I don't think I saw how old she is. But this reeks of immaturity.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Illini, was in a similar situation to you when I was younger. Got all the waffling in the world about why with no firm good reason. That's a HUGE red flag that she's not giving you all the information here. Take a week or so to be pissed/upset and then move on to hitting the social scene a bit more. Enjoy the freedom a bit. If she really does want to come back, she knows your number. But don't spend endless hours worrying about it or getting in circular conversations with her.

You'll be fine. There's plenty more fish in the pond if this one doesn't want in the boat.

Originally Posted by Suburban Rhythm

I think this got overlooked.

You're 27, I don't think I saw how old she is. But this reeks of immaturity.

Or of someone who's hiding something and is worried he'll figure it out if they talk in person.

[IlliniCub]

Shes 23....We're supposed to meet up and talk tonight so we'll see.

[Chief Rum]

Illini, this is going to sound harsh, so please take it as intended, not as it reads in tone.

In the long run, you are responsible for your happiness in life. You yourself. No one else. This girl in the end does not matter. If you end up back with her and she improves your life and makes you happy, great. If she doesn't, so be it.

The point is, in the end, you only have yourself. But let me put it another end. In the end, you ALWAYS have yourself.

Work on you. Improve yourself. Live for yourself. Make the best life FOR YOURSELF and no else.

Do that and someone will be around who loves you. A person like this hypothtetical you will find love. But the point is, even if you don't, you don't need to. Because you always have yourself.

When you realize you are all you need, you stop needing to have anyone else. And then you can choose to bring the people (and women) into your life who enrich you and don't bring you down.

[Kodos]

I can attest from personal experience - the on-again, off-again thing will drain your soul and crush your self-esteem if you let it.

[ISiddiqui]

Eeeks, sorry I missed this thread earlier... Hopefully your conversation was fruitful. There is nothing more annoying than an SO who "doesn't know what to do" or "needs some time to think on things" - I mean maybe that situation can last a few weeks or a month, but if it goes on, you really can't have the trust and commitment a successful relationship need. Don't let yourself get dragged around - don't enslave yourself to her timing because your feelings and needs are just as important as hers.

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by Kodos

I can attest from personal experience - the on-again, off-again thing will drain your soul and crush your self-esteem if you let it.

A million times yes on this.

[Dr. Sak]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

I got married 8 months ago at the ripe old age of 34. I had a similar experience at your age with a woman who I thought was "the one". She told me she was extremely busy finishing her PhD and didn't have time for our relationship but she still wanted "to date". What I didn't know at the time (actually I just failed to believe it eventhough the signs were there) is that she was having another relationship with her "good friend".

It's easy for me to tell you not to get strung along, but you have to decided when it is enough. Lean on your friends...family...and try to have fun. I took up football officiating to "kill time"...and thanks to her...it's been one of the best decisions of my life.

I am not going to tell you what you should do. If it doesn't work out, I can promise you that as time goes by the hurt will subside. I will also promise you that one day you will realize that she isn't the girl you though she was/is. Being emotionally vested in a relationship you aren't able to be objective about it. However, when you are separated from it after a substantial period of time, you are able to see that the person you "thought' you loved was not as compatible with you as you once thought.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Originally Posted by Dr. Sak

I got married 8 months ago at the ripe old age of 34. I had a similar experience at your age with a woman who I thought was "the one". She told me she was extremely busy finishing her PhD and didn't have time for our relationship but she still wanted "to date". What I didn't know at the time (actually I just failed to believe it eventhough the signs were there) is that she was having another relationship with her "good friend".

It's easy for me to tell you not to get strung along, but you have to decided when it is enough. Lean on your friends...family...and try to have fun. I took up football officiating to "kill time"...and thanks to her...it's been one of the best decisions of my life.

I am not going to tell you what you should do. If it doesn't work out, I can promise you that as time goes by the hurt will subside. I will also promise you that one day you will realize that she isn't the girl you though she was/is. Being emotionally vested in a relationship you aren't able to be objective about it. However, when you are separated from it after a substantial period of time, you are able to see that the person you "thought' you loved was not as compatible with you as you once thought.

Here's my story along these lines for what it's worth. Dated a girl for three years. Got the 'need some time', 'really busy right now with college', etc. excuses for about a month. I was pretty blindly in love. After a month or so of seeing her only a couple times, I decided to set up a surprise for Valentine's Day. Went over to her house to chat with her mom (who I got along with very well). Was telling the mom how I wanted her help with the surprise. She got a funny look on her face and said, "You do know that X has been dating another guy for two months now, right? I assumed that you kept coming by because you wanted to continue to be friends." She felt really bad about the situation. I'm so thankful that her mom told me and avoided it dragging on any further.

I'm hoping for Illini's sake that someone else other than his girlfriend will help him move on sooner rather than later because I know how this ends.

[ColtCrazy]

...

[finketr]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

Sorry, are you serious?

If so, here's my story: I met my now wife when I was 34. Talk about luck working in my favor at that time. We've been married for almost 5 years now (i'm 41) and have a wonderful 2 year old (but that's another thread). So, 27 is too old? No way!

on a side note: my dad was 27 when he married my mom and they were married for 47+ years (mom passed last february).

you'll do fine. keep busy as others have said. See if there are activities that you've missed doing over the years.

[finketr]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

Thanks guys I feel a little better today already I'm definitely not out of the woods yet but it's nice to feel that it is going to be ok one way or another. I'm going to drink today and wallow and take a sick day tomorrow then try to start things fresh and positive on Tuesday.

also a good solution when you lose a job via layoff for the first time...

All 9 of us went out to drink after that meeting. that was 16 years ago...

[IlliniCub]

I'm already starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. I know there will be hard times and weak moments ahead such as tomorrow being an anniversary. Either way I know I'm going to get there. I went to the boxing gym and fought for the first time in a couple years today. Thinking about taking another MMA fight or two before hanging it up again. Felt good to take out some aggression. I'm not over it but I'm on the road to being there and you guys have helped significantly. Haven't even tried to text or call since our talk Monday. I plan on maybe sending her one more text tomorrow to see if she is still on for hanging this weekend and beyond that it's all in her court. I'm confident I was a good guy and did what I could do and if that's not enough, then someone else will appreciate it.

[Flasch186]

Fuck yeah!

[JonInMiddleGA]

Rock on Cub, rock on

[IlliniCub]

Alright I'm weak and hanging with her tomorrow night ha....What's the best way to play it if I do want her back one day? I'm prepared to move on if it doesn't work but just curious if you guys have any advice on how to play the situation tomorrow to try to stir up interest again. She's seemed to miss me a bit and has been texting every night again

[Matthean]

I wouldn't play it. Until she has her crap together and giving you the green light, just be you. Don't worry about what you might want in the future because that can change.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

What's the best way to play it if I do want her back one day?

My gut reaction to that question is "don't even think like that". And that answer isn't blowing off your question at all, it's actually my answer.

You start thinking like that (or planning actions from that standpoint) then you're going to give ground that you don't easily get back. My advice to you is the same as I give to my 15 y/o son on a regular basis and it's the same advice I gave to an old friend who is currently taking one more shot at saving her badly troubled marriage of 25 years:

Just be you. That oughta be good enough for anybody that matters. Moreover, it has to be good enough, because you can't sustain being what you think someone wants forever, you eventually end up having to be yourself.

edit to add: Damned scary to post this & see Matthean use the same phrase moments earlier.

[Danny]

Just be you

[Lathum]

you should watch Swingers, I think they cover all this

[Danny]

Originally Posted by Lathum

just be you

Yeah

[IlliniCub]

Funny thing I bet I've watched swingers like 6 times since this whole thing went down! It's the ultimate guy break up movie

[Flasch186]

be selfish in a positive way, a fun selfish, a determined and demanding selfish. It works 1. because you get happy and 2. chicks dig it. Esp if you're cocky...or is it funny?

[CraigSca]

Yep, show you're moving on and that you're ok with it. For example, if you guys go to a bar, when she comes back from the bathroom, be talking to other people around you. It's a big deal to not be the center of attention when you've been that way your entire relationship - will make her realize some things.

[Mike Lowe]

Do not hang out with her. Let her be. You're letting her eat her cake. The more you push, the longer this will go.

Dude, simple rule: A relationship CAN take hard work sometimes, but it's not rocket science.

Take charge, make the decisions YOURSELF (she's calling the shots), and don't do it for the sake of causing a scene, or getting attention, or having to fake looking cool by talking to random people at a bar (you'll look like a freak who's trying WAY too hard).

Go be you. Delete her number to resist the urge. You're going to think about it which is totally fine, but don't act on it. Think of it as a football game that ended poorly and that you "lost." You learn from it, but you don't go back and try and fix it, or call the team up and ask for just a few more plays.

Prepare yourself to be stronger/better for the next game...

[IlliniCub]

Should of listened to you guys! So a week after making my post or so we got back together and things were fine seemingly. Moved in together and long story short I was taking a walk and some guy came from behind and sucker punched me in the eye. She'd been cheating on me for the last few weeks with some random guy while I was working and I found out by getting attacked. A trip to the emergency room and six stitched in my eye and now I'm back home. I didn't fight back have too much to risk career wise. I boxed for years and my eyes never looked this bad. So in short you guys were right and I should of left it alone! I found out the hard way.

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

Should of listened to you guys! So a week after making my post or so we got back together and things were fine seemingly. Moved in together and long story short I was taking a walk and some guy came from behind and sucker punched me in the eye. She'd been cheating on me for the last few weeks with some random guy while I was working and I found out by getting attacked. A trip to the emergency room and six stitched in my eye and now I'm back home. I didn't fight back have too much to risk career wise. I boxed for years and my eyes never looked this bad. So in short you guys were right and I should of left it alone! I found out the hard way.

Sorry to hear that, Illini Cub.

Most importantly, though, no babies, no ring, no hooks right? You can be free and clear of her. She isn't worth your time, hard as that may be to accept.

What exactly was the guy up to anyway? Did he think she was cheating on him with you? Not sure I understand what he thought he was gaining. Personally, I would consider pressing charges on his ass, but maybe not for you if you want to move on from all this as quick as possible.

[IlliniCub]

No he knew she was living with me and knew the whole thing from what I understand. I think he was unhappy that she was living with me and wanted to expedite the process of getting her out since I had no idea and she didn't tell me. But honestly I don't know. Honestly I think she has some sort of depression or bi polar issue possibly. Charges have been pressed bystanders called the cops. He ran off after doing it, but the cops found him and arrested him. I'm as confounded as anyone it was going on under my nose so yeah, on the plus side honestly it makes it easier to move on this time as I feel I could never forgive that one.

[IlliniCub]

Dola and yeah no ring or kids thankfully.

[Julio Riddols]

I was unfortunate enough to have a kid with my ex before she decided to start banging the head housekeeper at her hotel. You did good to avoid that part of things.

Best part is, that behind the scenes stress of being unsure and not believing fully in someone will lift now, and you'll find yourself feeling renewed in a month or two (if you're anything like me anyway). My ex did me a favor by leaving, unfortunately my son is caught up in something he has no control over going back and forth between us and I'll never be able to get over that part.

Now do you, be greedy for yourself and reap the rewards of freedom, peace of mind, and sanity that you never knew you had lost.

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

Illini, this is going to sound harsh, so please take it as intended, not as it reads in tone.

In the long run, you are responsible for your happiness in life. You yourself. No one else. This girl in the end does not matter. If you end up back with her and she improves your life and makes you happy, great. If she doesn't, so be it.

The point is, in the end, you only have yourself. But let me put it another end. In the end, you ALWAYS have yourself.

Work on you. Improve yourself. Live for yourself. Make the best life FOR YOURSELF and no else.

Do that and someone will be around who loves you. A person like this hypothtetical you will find love. But the point is, even if you don't, you don't need to. Because you always have yourself.

When you realize you are all you need, you stop needing to have anyone else. And then you can choose to bring the people (and women) into your life who enrich you and don't bring you down.

Just bringing up my quote from before. It still applies here. You have you. That is all you need. Love yourself, make your life what you want it to be. The ones who deserve to love you will be there when you do. When you won't need them to be there, but when you want them to be there.

[IlliniCub]

Thank you.... I didn't understand before, but I really think I do now.

[RainMaker]

Be careful. If a guy is willing to sucker punch you like that who knows what he is capable of doing later on. Should have a restraining order placed against him and she should be asked to leave immediately.

No shame in arming yourself either. The guy seems like a loose cannon and she seems to have some issues too.

[IlliniCub]

I've strategically placed a golf club in every room of my house for now as a precaution. I don't have a foid card so I can't really buy a more powerful means of protection right away without applying for one.

[stevew]

You should be able to pull parts of his record I think. If he has past charges you should see them I'd think. Don't know about your state though

[IlliniCub]

Apparently he just got out of prison recently, I just got back from the states attorney's office to see about restitution and what not.

[stevew]

Just buy a gun then AND make sure you don't have the hiv

[JediKooter]

What stevew said. Get tested for STDs, but, I would ask your ex to pay for it....just to rub it in a little bit. The guilt, not the STDs.

[stevew]

Thread title needs updated to account for the broken face.

[BYU 14]

Damn Cub, this just sucks, especially the way you found out, total bullshit.

Like others said and you know, do what you need to do for you and know you are better off. Sounds like your Ex and this guy deserve each other and hopefully the assault charge buts his ass right back in prison.