The Shitty Habits of a Middle Aged Man

[sabotai]

I used to be very bad with oral hygiene too. Then I spent a good amount of money getting a lot of fillings. And then, a few years later, another round of fillings. It was an expensive lesson to learn, but now I brush when I wake up, when I go to bed (I can't get to sleep anymore if I haven't), and every time I leave the house for any reason (which isn't that often...)

[Subby]

DAY EIGHTEEN

Maybe it's just the K-Cup Starbucks French Roast (LIMIT = 2) talking, but I am thinking I have stumbled upon a diet revolution. Every fat fuck like me that I see waddling around in a corporate logo polo or black tennis shoes (jk - no one really wears those in real life), I feel like going up to them and urging them to just give up 18 bad habits and see how GREAT their lives could be!

And then they repay my largesse by shivving me in the stomach. Repeatedly. Because no one ever, EVER, wants unsolicited advice. Particularly about lifestyle.

"Hey buddy...been playing Diablo 3 for a while now. I see a lot of Mountain Dew cans there! Oh! And is that a Oreo Cakester wrapper?"

SHIVVED.

"Man - it is getting late. WOW 2am! And you have to go to work tomorrow. Oh...sure...go ahead and finish off the last Hagen-Dazs ice cream bar. No sense in eating three and leaving one! Although...what would you think about brushing right after you..."

SHIVVED.

That's part of the beauty and part of the problem with being an adult male. You just want to be left the fuck alone. An entire political ideology has sprung up from the basic fact that we DO NOT WANT INTERVENTION. Daddy needs quiet time. Daddy wants to hang out in his underwear (FFS IT IS HOT IN HERE). Daddy wants to drink a beer and then eat some brownies and then drink some more beer and watch some WKRP in Cincinnati re-runs (HELLO BAILEY QUARTERS). He just wants to be in total control for a small fraction of the day.

But as with most things, we take this to the Nth fucking power until we have turned into soft, manboobed gibbons with longer than acceptable toe nails and abnormal hair sprout zones. Do we have to be so overfed, so over entertained, so over-convenienced? I am fascinated, obviously, with how I got to this point.

Moving on...

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers and fries.

Oh don't you worry. I am not giving up burgers. I am not giving up fries. I am giving up burgers AND fries. I'm not talking about some shitty ass McDLT with small fries. I am talking about the baller-ass gourmet burgers you can get in the suburbs - places like BGR, Elevation Burger, etc.. Five Guys used to qualify here. Anyway, there may be a day where I give up burgers, but it is not going to happen in the next few weeks months. Same with french fries. There are just too many tasty versions of the latter - including sweet potato and rosemary garlic (two varieties I have recently absolutely RAMMED down my potato crusher.)

The problem, of course, is that I eat both. In one sitting. Unless I am going to hunt wild boars in the hinterlands for the next five hours, I don't need that kind of caloric foundation. What I normally do after that meal is walk to my car, drive to my house, and then sit on the couch as my body slowly shuts down. I mean - what else can it do? Every ounce of energy is devoted to digesting a probable 1200 calorie meal. The little secret is that when you eat that much at once and then sit on the couch it all goes right to your cock and balls, making them gorilla sized.

Haha not it doesn't. It goes to your man tits and your shame handles. It's too much to fucking process at once. Your body is writing FUCK YOU on a bag full of shit, setting it on fire, and leaving it in your bed while you sleep. "You are going to make me work like this? FUCK YOU. YOUR FOOT JUST FELL OFF. HOW YA LIKE ME NOW, FATTY?"

So here is a compromise from the desk of Farnsworth Van Gaylord - I can only order a one patty burger. I can only order a regular fry. If I want both, I have to have half each. End of story. It's okay. I guarantee you will still be able to stave off anemia.

[Barkeep49]

I hate to chime in for the first time with this, but I think 18 is weak sauce compared to the fucking amazing first 17.

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by Barkeep49

I hate to chime in for the first time with this, but I think 18 is weak sauce compared to the fucking amazing first 17.

BS. I can tell you, as someone who if he were written about like some indigenous native species of animal would be described as having a diet "primarily of burgers AND fries nom nom nom", that choosing one or the other at any given meal is HUGE. That 500-800 calories you drop from your meal really helps you hit your calorie goals, and you come to realize you don't really need both items to feel decently full (although you certainly miss the one you pass on).

[Young Drachma]

Originally Posted by Barkeep49

I hate to chime in for the first time with this, but I think 18 is weak sauce compared to the fucking amazing first 17.

Weaksauce is still using "weaksauce" as a put down.

[Kodos]

I've found that as far as fries are concerned, if I get a medium fries and eat a few handfuls on the way home, I am satisfied enough to give the rest of the fries to the kids. I do this every Thursday, as I have the kids by myself that night. Everybody gets some fries, but nobody gets too many.

[MacroGuru]

Originally Posted by Kodos

I've found that as far as fries are concerned, if I get a medium fries and eat a few handfuls on the way home, I am satisfied enough to give the rest of the fries to the kids. I do this every Thursday, as I have the kids by myself that night. Everybody gets some fries, but nobody gets too many.

This...If we get burgers, I only order one medium fry to split between us because we do not eat a lot of them.

For me, just the single patty option would be huge...I see the Double, Triple, Big Mac, Double QTR, Double Bypass....as a challenge of sorts and I order the biggest ass burger I can and eat myself into a coronary coma...

[cuervo72]

Fries are evil. That is all.

[Kodos]

My brother refers to them as "grease sponges."

[Subby]

DAY NINETEEN

Fucking car. Two days in a row now, I have completely forgotten about the no eating in the car rule AND EATEN IN THE CAR. I pick up food for dinner and eat a breadstick. Y U NO WAIT TIL U GET HOME? And then this morning, I bring my whole effing breakfast in the car with me - plate with a bagel and cream cheese, french press, coffee mug. Who does that? Halfway down the street, I realize I am backsliding on a terrible habit, just in time for my plate to flip over and plant my breakfast face down on the floorboards. FFFFUUUUU. Do I have to be Guy Pearce and get this shit tattooed on my forearm? Do. Not. Eat. In. The. Car.

The other thing that is killing me is this bedtime bullshit, and the Olympics are not helping. I am still going to bed late (MUST SEE MEN"S GYMNASTICS FINAL) and getting up late (lame, weak, fey). I feel like those are the two habits I am having the hardest time breaking.

So now it gets hard. The other stuff was child's play.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction.

That's right. Like most people, I am on the computer way too much. WAY too much. Not only do I have it on all day at work, many times I come home and use it, too. It is often the reason I stay up late, and if I am up late, it keeps me up. It probably borders on addiction, because I am incessantly checking different sites and forums on the off-chance I missed something. Being on the computer is pretty shitty for your health as it is - sitting is terrible for you and I'm sure there are other health risks involved including DIVORCE and YOUR NEGLECTED CHILDREN RESENTING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.

I probably need to cut down all forms of electronics, but it's too big of an issue to take care of all at once. So for the near term, I am going to stay off of the computer at home during the week and give myself an hour a day on the weekends or on vacation. Obviously, if I have to sign up a kid for something, then I can do that, but it has to be a really good reason.

BUT THIS IS HOW I SPEND MY LEISURE TIME!

How much do I have to be entertained? Do I have to be entertained by the interwebz all of the time? Can I play a board game with the kids or maybe help out around the house or go the fuck to sleep? Man the fuck up. No one cares about your entertainment, you over-entertained middle class fucktwat. Do something useful.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"I hate to chime in for the first time with this, but I think 18 is weak sauce compared to the fucking amazing first 17." - bk

Yeah I don't know. To me weaksauce would be cutting out something completely harmless like loving the fuck out of musicals or betting on foxy boxing. Trying to cut back on being a bloated ass clown seems right up my alley!

"BS. I can tell you, as someone who if he were written about like some indigenous native species of animal would be described as having a diet "primarily of burgers AND fries nom nom nom", that choosing one or the other at any given meal is HUGE. That 500-800 calories you drop from your meal really helps you hit your calorie goals, and you come to realize you don't really need both items to feel decently full (although you certainly miss the one you pass on)." - CR

One thing that apparently they do in some communist countries like France and Belgium is put the fries ON THE BURGERS. I thought it was completely insane until I tried it one time. It was AMAZING. So, cutting a burger in half and loading it up with a half order of fries would be kind of shitty habit lite. But don't do it with steak fries. That would be ridiculous.

"For me, just the single patty option would be huge...I see the Double, Triple, Big Mac, Double QTR, Double Bypass....as a challenge of sorts and I order the biggest ass burger I can and eat myself into a coronary coma..." - macroguru

Back in my headier days I ate an entire MAMMOTH BURGER at this place called Satterwhite's. It was essentially a 1.5 pound meatloaf on a bun. I finished the whole thing and was awarded...a fucking bumper sticker.

That may be the sickest I have ever felt in my life.

[Alf]

Originally Posted by cuervo72

Fries are evil. That is all.

French fries can be worse than that

[Swaggs]

Originally Posted by Subby

over-entertained middle class fucktwat

Can you request this as your new custom title?

I have trouble seeing how you could do any better than that.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by Subby

...or masturbate for 4 hours (55 calories)...

You're doing it wrong.



This post kept me up until a little bit after 2 this morning. It's rare that a thread comes along that I can't close out until I've read the whole thing. I look forward to reading more of "30 Shades of Subby".

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Subby

It is often the reason I stay up late, and if I am up late, it keeps me up. It probably borders on addiction, because I am incessantly checking different sites and forums on the off-chance I missed something.

Compulsively guilty on that account, too.

Oh, and on the "must watch Olympics"- awful about that, too. My wife and I try to "observe bedtime" - which means get to bed and reading or (in my case) playing video games before falling to sleep by 9:30 which means it mainly happens by 10 and asleep by 10:30. With wakeup time of 5:30, that's 7 hours of sleep: enough that I can make it productively through the day and even exercise every night. The Olympics has crushed this.

Back in my headier days I ate an entire MAMMOTH BURGER at this place called Satterwhite's. It was essentially a 1.5 pound meatloaf on a bun. I finished the whole thing and was awarded...a fucking bumper sticker.

That may be the sickest I have ever felt in my life.

But... but... BUMPER STICKER! One of my "bucket list items" is to split one of the giant burger challenges with my wife. Sure, it's not as manly but that way we can both have the coronary at the same time. I was never going to qualify for any of those anyways, tho, because, frankly, I hate onions. And every single one of these stupid things I've seen on Food Network and whatnot seems to have way too much extra crap on it just to make it harder. I don't need an entire head of bland iceberg lettuce: a few slices across the top would suffice. Ditto for jar of pickles, bag of onions, garden of tomatoes, etc: keep the proportions somewhat similar and don't go stupidly overboard just because you don't want to comp some guy a $50 burger.

SI

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

You're doing it wrong.



This post kept me up until a little bit after 2 this morning. It's rare that a thread comes along that I can't close out until I've read the whole thing. I look forward to reading more of "30 Shades of Subby".

If we ever do the Golden Scribes again: instant nominee

SI

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

If we ever do the Golden Scribes again: instant nominee

SI

I agree +Infinity with you. This thread should win by a landslide.

[Subby]

DAY TWENTY

I shit you not, I ate six bowls of motherfucking Lucky Charms this morning. Not even General Mills Lucky Charms either, but some Giant Foods house brand called something like Rainbow Treasure Nuggets. Why would I do something like that? BECAUSE MILK AND HARD MINI MARSHMALLOWS ARE IRRESISTIBLE.

And I knew what I was doing was wrong, too. I KNEW IT. But I just kept loading up my bowl with cereal, kept wetting the top layer with milk, and kept chowing down like the nom nom monster from Spirited Away. Kept eating until the roof of my mouth felt like raw gibbon ass and my stomach was ready to blow out a column of weaponized rainbow treasure nuggets.

But fuck they were so good. Not the malted wheat oat filler, but the actual marshmallows themselves. Popular culture totally overuses the word CRACK to describe how good something is, but I would not be surprised in the least if people in trailer parks cut this shit up and snorted it. And then smoked PCP.

So, shocking development, I have felt like shit all day. Been cranky. Body shutting down. Eyes watering what feels like light spackling paste. FUCK CEREAL.

Anyway, the computer shit worked pretty well last night (despite my late night compulsion to make sure I hadn't missed any posts on The Superficial), so I am chalking that up as a big win. But the weekend looms. Weekends are bad for people with bad habits. Weekends are when working class stiffs cut lose and break the law. Or eat six pop tarts in 23 13 minutes.

Here we go:

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).

Oh boy. Now I have gone and fucking done it. COMMUNIST ASS BITCH DO NOT MESS WITH MY TEEVEE VIEWING. THE OLYMPICS ARE ON!

Well, the funny thing about television is that while it is completely awesome, there is simply too much stuff out there to catch up on. I have FIOS, which means access to a ridiculous number of channels, including stuff like HBO, EPIX and Showtime. Lots of MLB. Lots of all sports, depending on the season. Lots of scripted drama and reality shows. So much that I constantly feel like I am missing out on SOMETHING (SWEET GENIUS??? THAT LOOKS COMPELLING!).

Fortunately, we have a DVR so I can usually skip through commercials and massively compress my viewing time. But that doesn't really mean less viewing - it just means viewing more programs. At least I am doing my P90X workouts whenever I am watching. I WAIL THE FUCK OUT OF MY ABS.

Oh wait, no. I just lay there like I have been drugged and am being prepped for surgery. An immobile shut-in, soaking in the entertainment. FEED ME ENTERTAINMENT. I AM ENTITLED TO BE ENTERTAINED. GAH GAH MMMMM.

Add food to this. SOB UNTIL IT HURTS.

I sit on my ass for 8 hours at work. Now I go home and sit on my ass for 3-5 hours. MY ASS IS MAGNIFICENT. In a perfect world, I would watch television all day long. This is also the world where I am crazy rich and create all laws. THAT WORLD DOES NOT EXIST.

So, I am cutting back on tv and re-engaging even more. We'll take it easy and say a maximum of three hours per day, fifteen hours per week. That still seems like an insane amount.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"French fries can be worse than that" - alf

Love me some pommes frites. I am also a big fan of steak fries with A-1 and waffle fries with honey mustard. Now who are the ones that put mayonnaise on their fries? Those people are fucking psychopaths.

"This post kept me up until a little bit after 2 this morning. It's rare that a thread comes along that I can't close out until I've read the whole thing. I look forward to reading more of "30 Shades of Subby"." - jk
Yeah we are just getting warmed up. You'll be hyperventilating and hugging yourself after we finish with the final five. And I guarantee it will have you furiously Googling Tahitian Cock Rings.

" One of my "bucket list items" is to split one of the giant burger challenges with my wife. Sure, it's not as manly but that way we can both have the coronary at the same time." - si

In your heart of hearts, you know that does not count. Do they give out Purple Hearts on halvsies? NO. YOU HAVE TO EARN IT.

[sterlingice]

NO INTERNET DOESN'T MEAN NO UPDATES FOR US- IT MEANS NO OTHER INTERNET FOR YOU!

SI

[Subby]

DAY TWENTY-ONE

Not feeling it today. Any of it. Don't want to do it. It's all wonderful and exciting and new at first, but after three weeks of trying to get your shit together, you are bound to go into withdrawals. I WANT TO MACK ON A SNICKERS BAR.

I feel like a broken record, but the following things are killing me:

#6, #12, #13, and #20

Basically, I go to bed too late (#6) because I am watching hours of Olympics and Nats coverage (#20). Then I can't get up early enough (#12) and miss my window to bike to work or work out (#13) or I am just too tired to work out (#13, again).

So that is pissing me off. Why can't I do this? How hard is it? What's the point of the fucking list if you can't have a day where you check every thing off? DO I HAVE TO START ANOTHER SAD DYNASTY? THE REALLY SHITTY UNBREAKA...gahhhh. No. Just fucking do this stuff and quit whining about it.

So I will do this stuff starting today and into tomorrow or I will...what? I will give my 13 year old $20. And he will promptly blow it on god only knows what. I mean...this list is great and everything, but if I can't do it, what's the point.

And don't tell my 13 year-old. Because I can see him strategizing ways to get the free money from me. "Hey dad, can you run by the convenience store so I can run in? WILL YOU HOLD MY ICE CREAM CONE FOR ME? PLEASE DON'T FINISH MY COKE."

He may be stronger and faster than me, but I am wizened and old, like Gandalf's nut sack. Or maybe Golem's.

Here we go:

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).
21. No seconds.

OH THAT'S RIGHT. Now I am fucked. No more going back for seconds. It almost seems cruel, doesn't it? Going back for seconds is a nod to the bountiful harvest that our capitalist freedoms democracy provideth to us. What? No.

DID YOU NOT GET ENOUGH TO EAT WITH YOUR FIRST 700 CALORIE PLATE? Oh hey - looks like you could use another HEAPIN' HELPIN'!

One of the great sayings my stepdad had, when referring to large members of the opposite sex, was "SHE'S SWEET, BUT SHE NEEDS TO PUSH BACK FROM THE BUFFET." Truer words were never spoken for so many people out there, me in particular.

It tastes good, so I have to keep eating it until I am so full I can't move? It's like Lenny with the fucking rabbits. LET'S OVERAPPRECIATE THIS UNTIL OUR SENSES LOSE THE ABILITY TO SENSE. How about chewing slowly and savoring and maybe pushing away from the buffet a little hungry and maybe wanting a little more. Do I have to be completely satisfied after every meal? If something tastes good do I have to keep eating and eating because odds are I will have to hunt and kill the next thing I eat? Of course not. FOOD IS EVERYWHERE. Even the shitty gas only service station in our town has a vending machine inside where I can probably get NABS. You could live for FUCKING MONTHS on nabs.

You get one serving. That's it. And if you die of starvation, you probably sucked in the first place.

[Alf]

Go Subby !

[Swaggs]

...had to google "Nabs."

[Kodos]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who is frequently filled with self-loathing.

[sterlingice]

I'm a little torn on the "seconds" part. If I restrict myself from seconds, I just load my plate up like a trough, shoving as much goodness together all in one place to make an inedible slurry just so I don't have to get up and get more food. And if I decide I'm not actually that hungry: too bad because you can't put it back and you're not throwing it out lest starving children in Ethiopia come and beat you. So that can actually lead to overeating.

I find I have more success when I limit the portion sizes the first time around: must be able to actually see edge of plate, food can't touch, etc. That way you don't take as much on the first try. And you have sloth battling gluttony as for which deadly sin you perfer: "What? Second helping? But that kitchen is so far away (in our little two bedroom apartment)."

SI

[Young Drachma]

One of the great saying my stepdad had, when referring to large members of the opposite sex, was "SHE'S SWEET, BUT SHE NEEDS TO PUSH BACK FROM THE BUFFET." Truer words were never spoken for so many people out there, me in particular.

It tastes good, so I have to keep eating it until I am so full I can't move? It's like Lenny with the fucking rabbits. LET'S OVERAPPRECIATE THIS UNTIL OUR SENSES LOSE THE ABILITY TO SENSE.

The stepdad thing had me in stitches and then you went with Lenny with the fucking rabbits. A few drachmas in your tip cup, sir.

[Autumn]

I find 'no seconds' is a great rule that makes a huge difference. Maybe you take more than you would have the first time, but I find I still end up eating less. Because you never get seconds and put just a little on your plate. It's like a whole new meal. But I have the same problem of thinking that just because something is good I need to keep eating it and eating it. Which is particularly stupid when I could just save the rest and have it another time, which means having something good twice!

[Ironhead]

This has been an entertaining read. I am just wondering, after trying to make all of these changes have you lost weight?

[Subby]

DAY TWENTY-TWO

I put a saddle on today and rode it around the grounds of my estate. Then I took today into the boudoir and made sweet love to it. Then today put on a French maid costume and served me a drink and a steak. Then I sold today on E-Bay. Wny?

That's right. I FUCKING OWNED TODAY. I did everything right! I EVEN BOUGHT AND ATE AN APPLE. That's how motherfucking in-control crushing I was ON TODAY.

I got up on time. I rode my bike to work. I stopped halfway at the grocery store to buy reasonably priced food. I drank two cups of coffee. I went out to lunch. I DID NOT GET DESSERT (although I could have, but I was good, yo!). On the way back from lunch I passed two Starbucks and three convenience stores. AND DIDN'T SLOW DOWN. There is a fucking BAG OF CARAMELS IN MY WORK KITCHEN. I fucking love caramels, but no worries...in the work kitchen...safe.

I feel like I just drank unicorn blood or had a vitamin B shot or just snorted Levitra. OR ALL THREE.

Which means I will probably get knifed by an over-caffeinated motorist on my way home tonight. But that crazy bitch can't take TODAY away from me. I OWNED today.

So...down the homestretch we go:

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).
21. No seconds.
22. No restaurant desserts.

Oh this is just getting fucking lame now. NO RESTAURANT DESSERTS? DUDE, WHY GO OUT TO EAT AT ALL?

Never, in my life, have I walked away from dinner and dessert at a restaurant, where I did not feel like a completely groggy, gluttonous piece of shit. NEVER. I know that I have polished off an appetizer, then an entree, plus maybe some bread or chips and then ask for the dessert menu and am pretty sure the waitress is thinking/smirking "SURE THING, TUBBY! BE RIGHT BACK! TRY NOT TO EAT THE TABLE WHILE I AM GONE."

Look, I love sweets. They are my downfall. But this tradition of eating a dessert after a full meal is ridiculous. Nothing puts me in a food coma faster. How about just enjoying the meal you just ate - do you have to keep the party going and polish off a fucking THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER? No. How about a 3 pound piece of Choco Loco Skull Fucking Cheeseycake to top off the 4 pounds of spaghetti you just ate?!

I'm a big fan of just having dessert for your meal. Make it a meal. Don't make it ANOTHER MEAL right after you just ate one. And trust me, you haven't done anything to deserve it anyway. STOP TREATING YOURSELF. You want to treat your body? Stop using it like your crazy hoarder aunt's monthly storage unit. How much fat are you going to make it digest?

So, the next time I go out to eat will be the first time I pass on dessert.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"I find I have more success when I limit the portion sizes the first time around: must be able to actually see edge of plate, food can't touch, etc. That way you don't take as much on the first try. And you have sloth battling gluttony as for which deadly sin you perfer: "What? Second helping? But that kitchen is so far away (in our little two bedroom apartment)."" - si

If I did this I would just get fifths. Or I would stand really close to the stove after everyone had left the table and just compulsively take tiny little bites. Nibble nibble nibble OH MY GOD YOU JUST FINISHED THE WHOLE LASAGNA.

"I'm glad I'm not the only one who is frequently filled with self-loathing." - kodos

Everyone is. And the people who aren't probably should be. But if I am going to FEEL like a piece of shit, do I also have to look the part? The sooner I ditch my Tubby IT Guy Halloween costume, the better.

"The stepdad thing had me in stitches and then you went with Lenny with the fucking rabbits. A few drachmas in your tip cup, sir." - DC

I love the Lenny image. There is also a very good scene in Tommy Boy where Chris Farley is talking to a prospective client about how he destroys his sales. Fucking priceless. I feel like I do that with pretty much anything that is enjoyable in limitless quantities.

"I find 'no seconds' is a great rule that makes a huge difference. Maybe you take more than you would have the first time, but I find I still end up eating less. Because you never get seconds and put just a little on your plate. It's like a whole new meal." - Autumn

I did this last night with spaghetti and pesto. Big serving. Still way less than in the past where I would keep eating until I was borderline exploding. Just like a meth addled day trader, I need a stop loss.

[TRO]

"Subby, five Oreos at a time? Is that the serving size? I normally go three at a time (because the packages have three rows, I know there won't be any straggling Oreos). By the way, does anyone else out there eat snacks in specific quantities, or is that just a little OCD poking through in me?" -britrock

When I eat cookies, I take an entire row. I once got in a huge argument with the wife when I found a row only partially gone. Not only do I have to eat like a pig, I expect everybody else to do so as well. Needless to say, I haven't lived that one down.

MMMM GORILLA DONG GOOD

Thank you.

[Subby]

DAY TWENTY-THREE

About to embark on a road trip/vacation/work thing, which means this is all destined for disastrous failure.

I may or may not update this from the road, we'll see. The road is so bad for me. I am in a car for HOURS with nothing to do but drive and drink and eat and pee. And tell my kids to PIPE THE FUCK DOWN. Pretty much guaranteed I end up eating about 40 donuts or ice creams or candies from the different rest stops we hit. I wish I could come up with a something like NO USING RESTROOMS IN ARKANSAS or NO GETTING LUNCH AT THE WEST MEMPHIS BURGER KING. But I know all of these things will happen, and they will happen ALL OF THE TIME.

A man needs vices on a road trip. Lots of them. So I will modify some of these while I am on the road.

1. No soda. - Still going to do this.
2. No Starbucks. - I will go there and get caffeine because where I am going has shit coffee.
3. No Convenience Stores. - I am going to have to fill up with gas on the road, but I am not buying shit. My kids are going to fucking rebel.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small) - Still doing this.
5. No eating after 8pm. - Might be tough if we are out at a big group dinner.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend) - No chance.
7. No cookies. - Chance.
8. No buying breakfast. - This isn't happening.
9. No candy bars. - I just have to stop hitting the hotel minibar.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max) - Yeah, this is doable.
11. No food from work kitchen. - I WON'T BE AT WORK. EASY.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am). - This is also not happening.
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.) - HAHAHAHAHA. No.
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise) - Easy.
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max) - I will need caffeine administered to me intravenously.
16. No eating in the car. - It's a road trip!
17. No neglecting oral hygiene. - This is big - I ALWAYS neglect oral hygiene on road trips/vacations.
18. No burgers AND fries. - Easy. Will be eating as much mexican as possible.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend). - Easy - won't be around one.
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week). - Also easy.
21. No seconds. - This is going to be tough when I am asked if I want another basket of chips.
22. No restaurant desserts. - HUGE TEST here. Such a new rule though - gotta stick with it.
23. No more donuts. - Yeah I slipped one in here at the last minute.

I love donuts. So much. I can easily eat six donuts...the ones with pure white cream filling. The weird thing is donuts DO NOT fill me up. So I am still hungry after I eat them. So I eat more - just in case. Then I have like 100 grams of sugar fucking COURSING through my body. My vision glazes over, I break into a sweat. Then I need a huge cup of coffee just to cut my high. EXCEPT THAT HAS CAFFEINE. Now I am on a sugar and caffeine speedball and I hallucinate that John Belushi and Chris Farley are shirtless and stabbing each other in the chest with nitroglycerin. Then I black out.

So maybe I should lay off the donuts. Just for a while.

Anyway...I will be scarce for a few days. Updates of my pathetic ability to stay disciplined will surely follow.

[Chief Rum]

I had six of those mini-doughnuts, the chocolate ones, this morning. Yum.

[sterlingice]

Subby has been cured of all 30 habits!

SI

[GoldenEagle]

West Memphis is a shady, shady place. That is all.

[DaddyTorgo]

My life feels strangely empty without this thread...

[MacroGuru]

I'm sad...

[Subby]

On vacation! Will be back next week with tales of what a massive failure I am.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by Subby

On vacation! Will be back next week with tales of what a massive failure I am.

Next week? Jeezus...that's so far away!!!

[britrock88]

You didn't tell us it was 30 non-consecutive days! Tell us where we can get some methadone in the meantime!

[Chief Rum]

Number 24... no vacations

[cuervo72]

Originally Posted by Subby

On vacation! Will be back next week with tales of what a massive failure I am.

Stories are always better when the protagonist fails!

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Subby

I love donuts. So much. I can easily eat six donuts...the ones with pure white cream filling. The weird thing is donuts DO NOT fill me up. So I am still hungry after I eat them. So I eat more - just in case.

I somehow missed this update and just caught up. I am this way about donuts, ice cream, and, to a lesser extent, pizza. They don't really count as food and don't feel like I am getting filled up. However, once I've crossed over to the second side of a standard large pizza, then I notice that I have been eating pizza.

SI

[Subby]

DAY TWENTY-FOUR

"This is Guest Services."

"Hi, I would like to order room service."

"We can do that for you Mr. Shue. How many will be dining this evening?"

Pause...

"Just one."

"And what can we get for you?"

"Since I am in my hotel room ALONE at night and it is AFTER 10PM it seems like a good idea to order some food. Of course, I could just GO TO BED because I have to be up early for meetings tomorrow morning, but what the fuck, THE COMPANY IS PAYING FOR THIS SO I BETTER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT. So why not send up some toffee pudding and JUST IN CASE I DON'T LIKE THAT please add an order of Blue Bell vanilla ice cream. To prove that I am an adult, let's have a civilized side of coffee - just to bring this whole bacchanalian middle-aged shitfest down a notch."

"Certainly sir."

This was part of my vacation - spent alone in a very nice hotel as part of a larger professional conference that I was attending. I don't know what it is about hotels at which I am staying for work, but I cannot stop myself. Some people order hookerscompanions. Some people surf Craigslist for fetishistic Nancy Boys. Some people score crank from the hotel cleaning staff. NOT ME. I take it straight to DEFCON FATASS and dive balls deep into the room service menu.

OOOH POTSTICKERS NOW AVAILABLE ON THE LATE NIGHT MENU!

Fuck me. Go away for a week and a half and can barely hang on. But this was all wrapped inside a "vacation" so we make exceptions. Now I am back. And the first thing that is going to fucking go is this:

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).
21. No seconds.
22. No restaurant desserts.
23. No donuts.
24. No popcorn.

Hahaha - look at the fat guy who has all of the popcorn detritus on his shirt! How many pieces of popcorn can he pick up with one hand and then shove into his fucking Black Hole of Gluttony? This weekend I took three of my kids to see MIB3 (25. No more Will Smith movies) and we got a large popcorn, large pink lemonades (probably worse than soda) and two small bags of bulk candy.

Did ya know that refills are only a $1? IT MIGHT AS WELL BE FREE. It would be one thing if the popcorn was evenly distributed between me and my three poor children with the overweight notrole model. DADDY HAS TO HOLD THE TUB OF POPCORN. NOM NOM NOM SNORF. For fuck's sake, if something comes in a TUB (like dirty bathwater, or movie popcorn) that's probably a bad sign. CAN I GET A SEA CONTAINER OF POPCORN? NO? ONLY A TUB? OK THEN, BUT I WILL NEED SECONDS.

Why do we even have to eat while we watch movies? That's dumb.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"I had six of those mini-doughnuts, the chocolate ones, this morning. Yum." - CR

I never liked those things. The chocolate always tasted fake and the doughnut was dry. Now, give me six cake donuts and I will induce sugarbetes in about 5 minutes.

"My life feels strangely empty without this thread..." - DT

Tell me about it. I was pretty lost not being able to write every day. Plus it's nearly impossible to remember the 23 things I gave up without checking in every day.

[britrock88]

Yay!

Unfortunately, my no popcorn periods come on when I get paranoid about my dental health every so often. This time, though, an actual piece of tooth fell out. FLOSSING IS IMPORTANT, EVERYONE!

[sterlingice]

25. No updates to FOFC

SI

[Critch]

If I was limiting myself to 1 hour computer time at home a week, I wouldnt waste it coming here either.

[Autumn]

Originally Posted by Critch

If I was limiting myself to 1 hour computer time at home a week, I wouldnt waste it coming here either.

Yeah, well screw you too!

[sterlingice]

I think there's a simple solution to this problem: Updating the thread does not count as computer time because "SELF HELP!"

SI

[finketr]

If I telecommute from home, does that count as computer time at home?

[Subby]

DAY TWENTY FIVE

BACK FROM REHAB

Like a fucking simpering huff addict, I metaphorically just locked myself in my room for the past three days and inhaled about three metric tons of spray paint.

Fuck, when I go off the reservation, I go off the reservation in a fucking flaming winnebago powered by an alternative fuel engine that runs on vanilla ice cream and caramel sauce. The windows are covered in donut decals. And then we drive that Winnebago through the front window of a local 7-11 and take it and everything else over a FUCKING CLIFF. But I survive the explosion and celebrate by staying up until 2am, getting up late, and spending $10 for breakfast at a fucking bagel place.

God help me.

Right after vacation, just falling into the same old bullshit habits. The only saving grace is that I somehow have still avoided both convenience stores and soda. Pretty sure I put everything else into a pie of shame and shoved right on down the ol' Cake Crusher of Doom.

But I just caught a look at my self in the mirror. Extra chin. Golf shirt designed by PHIL NIPPLESON. Plus a set of B cups that would put any 15 year old to shame. I CANNOT GO OUT LIKE A BITCH.

I have my list. I am full of shame. No where to go but up.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).
21. No seconds.
22. No restaurant desserts.
23. No donuts.
24. No popcorn.
25. No buying lunch.

Apparently, this is a huge leak for me. Unstructured days where I go out and buy my lunch probably result in 500-1500 calories more than days where I don't. Now I am completely boxed in. I am literally not allowed to eat anywhere outside of my office. If I want to go outside during lunch, I'll be bringing my own lunch or going for a run. That's it.

Sure, there may be some business lunches here and there, but this week I probably spent $40 in four days. That's two-thirds a tank of gas, for chrissakes.

Plus no one wants to see chubby soft IT guy waddling down the street in his baggy khakis and nipply tightish golf shirt. NO ONE.

[hoopsguy]

Buying lunch - really good addition to the list. You've had a couple on here that would be very difficult for me to sustain and this would probably vault right to the top of my personal list alongside the 30 minutes of exercise daily. I tell myself that my days are too unstructured to be able to make those kind of commitments, but I suspect that is just BS that I feed myself. Good luck being stronger than me on this item.

[sterlingice]

I think this is all just a clever plot to get out of having to add things to change

SI