The Onion Thread

[cartman]

Panicking Romney Attempts To Lay Off Debate Moderator | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[cartman]

Mitt Romney Jots Down Ideas For Concession Speech While Obama Talks | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[CraigSca]

Obama Hoping Jim Lehrer Doesn't Bring Up U.S. Economy | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

'The Onion' Wins Nobel Prize | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

STOCKHOLM—American newspaper The Onion received a Nobel Prize this week in the category of Overall Excellence. The award, which marks the 12th time The Onion has been honored as a Nobel laureate, was presented in recognition of what the prize committee called “[The Onion’s] massive and enduring contribution to overall excellence in all fields.” The Onion has previously received Nobel Prizes in categories such as economics, literature, and medicine. At press time, Onion publisher T. Herman Zweibel had no comment.

[larrymcg421]

Awesome.

[cartman]

I got "The Onion's Book of Known Knowledge". It is packed full of great stuff. It is gonna take a while to go all the way through it.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by cartman

I got "The Onion's Book of Known Knowledge". It is packed full of great stuff. It is gonna take a while to go all the way through it.

Saw that on Amazon and considered pulling the trigger

SI

[mckerney]

Todd Akin Spends Whole Night Wondering What Went Wrong | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Surtt]

Millions Without Power Following Election
WASHINGTON—According to widespread reports, roughly 314 million Americans across the country have been left without any power following Tuesday’s devastating presidential election.

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by Surtt

Millions Without Power Following Election
WASHINGTON—According to widespread reports, roughly 314 million Americans across the country have been left without any power following Tuesday’s devastating presidential election.

[mckerney]

Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Nation Horrified To Learn About War In Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

WASHINGTON—As they scoured the Internet for more juicy details about former CIA director David Petraeus’ affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, Americans were reportedly horrified today upon learning that a protracted, bloody war involving U.S. forces is currently raging in the nation of Afghanistan. “Oh my God, this is terrible,” Allie Lipscomb, 29, said after accidentally stumbling on an article about the war while she tried to ascertain details about what specific sexual acts Petraeus and Broadwell might have engaged in. “According to this, 2,000 American troops have died, 18,000 have been wounded, and more than 20,000 civilians have been killed. Jesus Christ. And it’s been happening for, like, 11 years.” Sources confirmed that after reading a few paragraphs about the brutal war, the nation quickly became distracted by a headline about Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash’s alleged sexual abuse of a 16-year-old boy.

[mckerney]

Screwball Jim Nabors Goofs Up Again By Marrying Man | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

SEATTLE—In just the latest of his bumbling misadventures, dimwitted Andy Griffith Show actor Jim Nabors, 82, reportedly found out today that he goofed up again after inadvertently marrying another man in a Seattle ceremony. “Aw, now, I didn’t mean to go and get myself hitched to a fella!” said the lovable but slow-witted Nabors, who in a series of humorous blunders managed to get mixed up in a legal gay marriage ceremony with local man Stan Cadwallader before a Washington state judge. “Heck, I mean, a fella and another fella? I don’t figure that much because, see, if he’s a man, and I’m a man...then...then....well, golly, I can’t make heads nor tails of this mess!” At press time, a red-faced Nabors reported being even more confused after being kissed by Cadwallader.

[nol]

62-Year-Old With Gun Only One Standing Between Nation And Full-Scale Government Takeover | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Swaggs]

This headline made me laugh out loud (and then feel bad about it):
Taylor Swift Mourns Death Of Boyfriend Christopher Dorner | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Sources: Hackers Vandalized Drudge Report For Last 15 Years | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Autumn]

This isn't exactly funny, but is just one of those perfect "oh yeah, of course there should be that" idea.

Sadly, this is not The Onion

This is a site of all stories that sound like they should be Onion stories but are, unfortunately, true.

[mckerney]

Obama Issues Presidential Pardon To Get Biden Out Of Jail For Third Time This Year

[mckerney]

Jesus, This Week | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Gap Forced To Recall Pants After Man Dies Eating 37 Pairs Of Corduroys | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Supreme Court Leaves Final Decision On Gay Marriage In Capable Hands Of Texas, Alabama, Georgia | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[lungs]

Texas to Legalize Rape Since It Doesn’t Lead to Pregnancy

I posted this one on Facebook. Since it's not The Onion, I've had three people already share and express outrage that Texas is doing this.

[mckerney]

Belichick To Tebow: "I'm Your Lord And Savior Now" | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

BOSTON—Warning that he was a dark and vengeful God, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly pulled aside Tim Tebow at the team’s facilities Thursday and informed the backup quarterback that he was his only Lord and savior now. “This is your church now, and you shall worship me,” said Belichick, who sources confirmed clutched Tebow’s throat and slammed the former Heisman Trophy winner against a concrete wall. “If you want to see a wrathful God, then question me on playing time. I will crush you into dust. And if I ever see you on your knees, you better be praying to me or you will be destroyed by my blistering fury.” At press time, Tebow told reporters that he was renouncing Jesus Christ.

[sterlingice]

I would have thought they could have photoshopped (taken?) a better picture: something with Belichick looking like a Sith Lord or the grim reaper.

SI

[mckerney]

Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Rex Ryan On Jets Season: ‘Anything Short Of 6-10 Is A Failure’ | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

“I’ve never been afraid of setting lofty goals for this team, and we set the benchmark last year,” said Ryan, adding that anything less than third or fourth place in the NFC East would be a huge letdown for the team, front office, and fans. “I can see the potential for this team, so I’m not afraid to put it out there. This is a 6-10 team, and I expect us to play 6-10 football this year.”

[mckerney]

Study: Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychotic When Alone In Own House | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Liquor Commercial Featuring Dance Party On Pirate Ship Also Includes Important Message About Responsibility | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Dad Explains Obamacare | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

PITTSBURGH—After noticing a newspaper article about the implementation of the upcoming Affordable Care Act, local father Andrew Panetta, 53, made an effort Monday to explain the intricacies of Obamacare to his son, sources confirmed. “It’s bullshit,” Panetta reportedly said, clarifying how insurance companies will comply with federal law in order to properly set up state-sponsored health care exchanges. “All of it. Complete and total bullshit.” Panetta went on to conclude his seven-second explanation of the expansive new health care law by saying, “I’m telling you, it’s bullshit.”

[mckerney]

Anonymous Source Tells Reporters That He's Tired Of Being Speaker Of The House | Video | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Unnerving Adidas Commercial Just Features Derrick Rose Sitting

CHICAGO—Striking a different tone from previous ads for the sportswear company, a disturbing new Adidas commercial features Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose just sitting still in a dimmed arena, sources confirmed Friday. The unsettling 30-second spot reportedly begins with a wide shot of a basketball arena before slowly zooming in on Rose, totally motionless, sitting courtside and staring at the camera with a blank expression on his face. Viewers noted that at one point the 25-year-old star seems to grimace slightly, and confirmed that the commercial ends with an extreme close-up on Rose, who closes his eyes just before a cut to a black screen displaying a white Adidas logo and the text “#drose2015.”

[Neuqua]

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work | Video | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

I was at the library when I watched this and legit belly laughed. So embarrassing.

[AlexB]

Originally Posted by Autumn

This isn't exactly funny, but is just one of those perfect "oh yeah, of course there should be that" idea.

Sadly, this is not The Onion

This is a site of all stories that sound like they should be Onion stories but are, unfortunately, true.

Just clicked on this, and instant reward - what a headline

Stolen prosthetic arm discovered in a second hand shop (From Bournemouth Echo)

[gstelmack]

Originally Posted by Neuqua

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work | Video | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

I was at the library when I watched this and legit belly laughed. So embarrassing.

I would have laughed more if they hadn't gone overboard with the cursing. Yes, sometimes cursing can be a key part of specific comedy pieces, but this is a great example of "if you have to swear to make it funny, maybe you need to revisit the entire thing".

[molson]

Local Church Full Of Brainwashed Idiots Feeds Town's Poor Every Week | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[cartman]

Sorry for your loss, Kodos.

Last Hoosier Dies In Captivity | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[sabotai]

Sometimes The Onion does a story that describes me. Except for me, instead of hiding on my smartphone, I am playing with the dog and/or cat.

Report: Only 20 Minutes Until Introverted Man Gets To Leave Party | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

NFL Releases New Study On Dangers Of Concussions In Youth Soccer | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Owner's Box: Jaguars Hoping To Impress Florida State Football Scouts Attending Game Sunday

[mckerney]

Jay Cutler: ‘I’ll Be The First Person To Admit We Need A New Punter’

CHICAGO—Following the team’s blowout 55-14 loss to the Green Bay Packers Sunday night, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told reporters Tuesday that he would be the first person to admit the team is in dire need of a new punter. “It’s certainly not an easy thing to say, but at the end of the day, someone has to step up and accept that mistakes were made by our punter, Pat O’Donnell,” said Cutler, who pointed to O’Donnell’s blocked punt in the third quarter as playing a major role in the team’s unraveling and conceded that blame for the team’s loss rested squarely on the rookie punter. “Going forward, there will have to be some serious adjustments made to our punt unit—when individual players aren’t doing their part out there, we’re going to fall short as a team. Pat didn’t play well, and he needs to accept responsibility for that.” Cutler went on to acknowledge that Bears long snapper Jeremy Cain will also need to step up his performance significantly before next week’s game against the Vikings if the team is to have any chance of turning its season around.

[mckerney]

Person Who Clearly Hasn’t Seen ‘The Fifth Element’ Arguing There No Good Roles For Women

[mckerney]

Owner's Box: Your Friend’s Death Could Leave 6-8 Quality Starters For Pick Up

[mckerney]

Baltimore Residents Urged To Stay Indoors Until Social Progress Naturally Takes Its Course Over Next Century

BALTIMORE—Calling it an emergency measure designed to ensure public safety and order, Baltimore officials held a press conference Wednesday urging all residents to stay indoors until the natural evolution of social progress takes shape over the next century. “Given the ongoing situation in our city, we ask that everyone remain within their homes for the next 10 or 12 decades while the various barriers to equality and opportunity for all people are slowly chipped away,” said Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, adding that, in addition to shutting down public schools and the transportation system, the city had canceled work for all nonessential government employees while they wait for the arrival of fully protected civil rights and liberties expected sometime in the 22nd century. “As we continue to incrementally evolve into a completely free and fair society over the next 100 years, please do not venture outside unless it is absolutely necessary. Those who go out onto our streets before our social, economic, and political structures have undergone gradual reform over the course of several generations are doing so at their own risk.” Rawlings-Blake then encouraged residents to visit the city’s website for further information regarding what to do as they await the year 2115.

[mckerney]

Frustrated Gunman Can't Believe How Far He Has To Drive To Find Nearest Planned Parenthood Clinic - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[cartman]

Univision has acquired a controlling stake in The Onion (for real)

Area Satirical Publication The Onion Sold To Univision (Seriously) : The Two-Way : NPR

[cartman]

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[cartman]

Andy Reid Furious At Self For Poor Clock Management At End Of 72-Oz. Steak Challenge - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Surtt]

Retreating Clinton Campaign Torches Iowa Town To Slow Advance Of Sanders Volunteers

[Kodos]

Nation Starting To Realize New Era Of American Innovation Never Gonna Happen - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Report: Getting Out Of Bed In Morning Sharply Increases Risk Of Things Getting Even Worse - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Ted Cruz Provides Detailed Response To Moderator's Question About Why His Face So Fucking Infuriating - The Onion - America's Finest News Source