The Onion Thread

[Kodos]

This one's pretty funny too.

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Groundhog]

Originally Posted by mckerney

Ted Cruz Provides Detailed Response To Moderator's Question About Why His Face So Fucking Infuriating - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Yeah, that one made me lose my shit in the middle of the office.

[larrymcg421]

Defiant Mitch McConnell Holds Merrick Garland’s Severed Head Aloft In Front Of Capitol Building - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[digamma]

The Onion has been killing it over the last day or two.

Kasich Trying To Find Other States Where He Is Beloved Multi-Term Governor - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Brutal Anti-Cruz Attack Ad Just 30 Seconds Of Candidate’s Photo Displayed Without Any Text, Voiceover, Music - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Neuqua]

The Ted Cruz one had be laughing way longer than I should have last night.

[vex]

Yeah, that one was pretty good.

[larrymcg421]

GOP Leaders Assure Sobbing Rubio It Not His Fault Party Splitting Up - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[larrymcg421]

Merrick Garland Kind Of Uncomfortable With Political Analysts Casually Pointing Out He’ll Die Relatively Soon After Nomination - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

7-Year-Old Unable To Maintain Single Cohesive Storyline While Playing With Action Figures - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Tearful Gun Manufacturers Thankful They All Made It Out Of Massacre Safely - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Pneumonia Virus Terrified After Remembering What Clintons Capable Of - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Report: Trump Conducted Illegal Business In Cuba - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

“Let’s hear Trump’s side before jumping to conclusions. For all we know, Newsweek is a dying magazine run by a bunch of pathetic losers.”

[mckerney]

Officials Struggling To Condense Trump’s Intelligence Briefing Down To One Word - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were working hard to provide important national security updates to the new commander-in-chief in a manner he found most useful and actionable, intelligence officials confirmed Monday they have been struggling to condense President Donald Trump’s briefings down to a single word. “The president prefers his briefs to be concise and straightforward, preferably no longer than two or three syllables, so we’re now focusing on compressing each day’s classified intel and any intercepted geopolitical chatter down to the sole most salient word,” said Deputy National Security Advisor K.T. McFarland, adding that a team of staffers had been tasked with stripping each briefing of the overly technical or complex details that President Trump disliked, such as arcane insider terminology, multiple bullet points, and any compound or hyphenated words. “The president tends to grow frustrated if crucial intelligence is not delivered within the first seven letters or so. We recently gave him a briefing that consisted only of the term ‘nuclear proliferation,’ but he clearly became distracted by the end of the first word, so we shortened it to simply read ‘bomb,’ and he seemed to respond well to that.” At press time, McFarland confirmed President Trump had asked officials to continue formatting his daily intelligence memos in the model of his most recent briefing, which consisted entirely of a brightly colored clip-art fighter jet.

[mckerney]

Sean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media's Questions About His Controversial Statements - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure their messaging is being communicated to the public in a clear and transparent manner, the White House Press Office announced Wednesday that Sean Spicer has been given his own press secretary to answer the media’s questions about his controversial statements. “The remarks from the press secretary are being taken out of context, which is unfortunate, given the fact that he is in actuality trying to make very much the opposite point,” said Press Secretary to the White House Press Secretary Kevin Harrigan in his first briefing following his appointment to the role, whose primary duties include conducting supplementary press conferences after Spicer’s daily briefings in order to clarify and explain his comments. “If you actually look at the evidence from all sides—the substance, if not the entire whole, is solid, which is what he was trying to articulate all along. And that remains true even if the media is trying to nitpick his words and promote their own message. I understand the point, but it’s clear what he was trying to say with the aforementioned statements—even the parts he was referring to—and, um, I’m sorry, you can’t just pretend otherwise.” At press time, a contrite Harrigan was appearing on multiple morning talk shows to apologize for suggesting that if Syrian president Bashar al-Assad had a nuclear weapon, he might be the first to ever use one.

[mckerney]

Nation Under Siege: Berkeley Scientists Have Engineered An Unstoppable Mecha-‘Dreamer’ Capable Of Stealing 6 Jobs At Once

It’s no secret that one of the primary objectives of the Radical Left is to empower crime-addicted illegal aliens to dismantle the American way of life. But few realize just how diabolically committed liberals are to seeing their sick vision come to fruition. That will all change soon, however, as Berkeley scientists have reportedly built an unstoppable mecha-“Dreamer” capable of stealing six America jobs at once.

And it’s more terrifying than anything we could’ve ever imagined.



Codenamed J.U.A.N.A. (Jihad Upon America via Naturalized Automaton), the 9-foot-tall, 1.5-ton biomechanical super-immigrant is custom-engineered to ruthlessly seize valuable U.S. resources and employment opportunities with terrifying efficiency. A team of liberal Berkeley researchers, all of whom are lesbians, began work on the undocumented humanoid in the days immediately following the Obama administration’s unconstitutional 2012 passage of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals policy (DACA), building a sophisticated titanium and carbon-fiber exoskeleton around a Mexican-born fetus to ensure that their creation would be deportation-proof. Financed by George Soros, Planned Parenthood, and your hard-earned tax dollars, the project utilized virtually unlimited funds to forge perhaps the most fearsome threat to our economic and cultural wellbeing since Brown v. Board of Education.

And just how fearsome is it? For starters, J.U.A.N.A. is menacingly equipped with an arsenal of weapons designed to undermine our God-given liberties, including a microelectronic, 360-degree optic sensor capable of detecting good-paying American jobs within a hundred-mile radius; a highly powerful fraud-generating processor that can produce more than a million fake Social Security numbers per second; and an ultra-productive hydraulic limb system that performs manual labor tasks with exponentially greater speed and skill than the average hardworking American man. Sources who have witnessed J.U.A.N.A. in action describe it in harrowing detail, noting that if it senses a human competing with it for an open job, it will say “I WILL DO IT FOR BELOW MINIMUM WAGE” to the potential employer and then proceed to hurl the American applicant hundreds of feet into the sky.

Further, sources say it has a smartphone that’s even nicer than the one you probably have, purchased with, one would assume, food stamps.

[Kodos]

DNC Chair Tracks Down Biden In Everglades Tossing Whole Chickens To Gators - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

I actually laughed out loud a few times on this one. Especially the Bullet Boys reference.

DNC Chair Tracks Down Biden In Everglades Tossing Whole Chickens To Gators
Former Vice President Joe Biden is reportedly content in the Everglades and doesn’t even mind occasional alligator bites as long as they “steer clear of the ol’ frank and beans.”

HOMESTEAD, FL—Acting on a tip from a local fisherman who caught the former vice president siphoning gas from his outboard motor, DNC Chairman Tom Perez on Monday reportedly tracked down Joe Biden deep in the Florida Everglades tossing whole raw chickens to alligators.

Sources confirmed that the bearded, shaggy-haired Biden, who withdrew from public life four months ago, was initially startled to see Perez, dropping the bird carcass he was de-feathering and uttering “ah shit” when he recognized the newly elected head of the Democratic Party.

“How the fuck did you guys find me?” said Biden, flicking a lit cigarette into the swamp before wiping his brow with the bottom of his faded Merit cigarettes tank top. “I was really hoping I’d seen my last federale pencil pusher.”

“Ain’t much I can do for you unless you want to see ’ol Betsy here make a 10-pound leghorn disappear,” added the former six-term Delaware senator, dangling a limp chicken over the snapping jaws of an adult female alligator. “These days I’m just trying to put together a gator show for the tourists and make some scratch, but since you hauled ass all the way down here, I guess you got Uncle Joe’s ear.”

Biden reportedly encouraged Perez to “take a load off” on an overturned plastic bucket outside his decrepit wooden shack, popped off the cork of a rum bottle with his teeth, took a long swig, and described how he was finally living the good life. The former VP then waded knee-deep into the water and attempted to grab a catfish barehanded while explaining that he relished the chance to spend quiet time in nature “way the fuck away from the D.C. shit fiesta.”

According to sources, the 74-year-old, who categorically refused Perez’s pleas to help the beleaguered Democratic Party campaign in a handful of local races, added that even a bad day in the swamp beat having to “waste a killer buzz sitting in some bullshit cabinet meeting” or “wank off the Joint Chiefs” like in his previous job.

Biden then warned the DNC chairman to keep his eyes peeled, explaining that the alligators could get a “little feisty” once they got a few chickens in them.

“Most of these guys are pretty chill, except for that big boy over there—watch out for the chompers on that fucker,” said Biden, gesturing with the severed tip of his right index finger toward a 9-foot-long male affectionately named Diablo. “He may have nipped my pleasure pointer, but he sure as shit got the business end of a broken Cuervo bottle.”

“So let’s just say we’ve got an unspoken agreement,” Biden added. “Still got the fingertip floating around with some ice-cold brewhas in case I ever need that sucker.”

While Biden admitted that more work needed to be done so that no American had to choose between affordable healthcare and Ozzfest tickets, he also reiterated his lack of interest in even a modest role in politics, and instead reportedly offered to take Perez for a spin in an old fan boat he’d recently restored in his downtime.

“My main man Rez, what do you think of my hot new fling?” said Biden, who accelerated the rickety boat through the brackish water and started “doing donuts” as Perez tightly gripped both sides of his seat and tried not to get mud on his clothes. “If I really gun her, we can catch some serious fuckin’ air.”

“Dammit, I think I just clipped a manatee,” Biden continued. “Better slow this puppy down or the dicks from Fish and Wildlife will be up my ass again.”

Easing back on the boat’s throttle, Biden reportedly invited the DNC chairman to help himself to a Slim Jim and a couple of Coors tallboys from a cooler in the stern.

“I’m not gonna lie, I’ve got a good thing going here in the Glades,” said Biden, turning up BulletBoys’ “Smooth Up In Ya” on a beat-up boombox covered in marijuana leaf and Graffix bong stickers. “The sun’s bright, and the babes ain’t got any damn tan-lines. Plus, I don’t have to worry about narcs like you telling me what I can and can’t say.”

“Listen, for the first time in my life, I’ve got my shit together, so I’m staying put,” Biden continued. “Next time you’re in D.C., give my best to Jilly. Just don’t mention where I am or your ass is fucking grass.”

[Chief Rum]

I might need to add "shit fiesta" to my lexicon of droppable phrases.

[mckerney]

It looks like Mitch McConnell found a way to make a sick boy’s last day of medical care a truly special one! https://t.co/Y70gvOJWGZ pic.twitter.com/vgJF2x5bEt

— ClickHole (@ClickHole) June 29, 2017

[mckerney]

Only Adult Left In Trump Administration Named 'Mad Dog' - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Trump Warns Removing Confederate Statues Could Be Slippery Slope To Eliminating Racism Entirely https://t.co/Eofx8XjnFJ pic.twitter.com/iMgV9txwlE

— The Onion (@TheOnion) August 15, 2017

[mckerney]

[PilotMan]

Video Game Shopkeeper Starting To Get Suspicious After Selling 800 Bombs To Player - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Video Game Shopkeeper Starting To Get Suspicious After Selling 800 Bombs To Player

[mckerney]

Taking A Stand: Congress Has Passed A Bill Making It Illegal To Sell Firearms To The Las Vegas Shooter

New Bill Would Limit Abortion To Cases Where Procedure Necessary To Save Promising Political Career - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

NRA Says Mass Shootings Just The Unfortunate Price Of Protecting Peopless Freedom To Commit Mass Shootings - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[PilotMan]

That's like a 9 pitch inning.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by mckerney

Taking A Stand: Congress Has Passed A Bill Making It Illegal To Sell Firearms To The Las Vegas Shooter

The courts would actually find this one unconstitutional. Maybe the Onion should do a follow up.

[mckerney]

Frustrated Man Forced To Agree With Dumbass Political Cartoon Of Statue Of Liberty Hugging Immigrants - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

ANN ARBOR, MI—Groaning upon spotting the image on his Facebook newsfeed, local man Peter Grant was reluctantly forced to agree with an absolutely moronic political cartoon Tuesday in which the Statue of Liberty was depicted hugging several immigrants. “Goddammit, I have to admit that this dumb as shit drawing actually represents what I believe,” said an exasperated Grant, who muttered “for fuck’s sake” upon realizing he fully concurred with a cartoon entitled “Shining Sanctuary City On A Hill.” “I assume the point of this piece of shit is that the United States should welcome immigrants, which I’m totally on board with. But, Christ, just look at it. The immigrants have suitcases labeled ‘Skills,’ ‘Work Ethic,’ and ‘Grit’ on the side. This is so fucking infuriating.” At press time, Grant could not help but write “thanks for sharing” under the dumbass cartoon in which a road behind the Statue of Liberty led toward the words “American Dream.”

[mckerney]

Study: 90% Of Bike Accidents Preventable By Buying Car Like A Normal Person

[mckerney]

President Trump Needs To Stop Retweeting Anti-Muslim Videos Posted By British Bigots And Start Retweeting Anti-Muslim Videos Posted By American Bigots

[mckerney]

DNC Takes Out Full-Page Ad Thanking Alabama’s Working-Class White Voters https://t.co/NBhu8sVhB3 pic.twitter.com/LqSYKXtGIT

— The Onion (@TheOnion) December 13, 2017

[mckerney]

Robert Mueller Ascends Into Sky With Umbrella After Trump Family Promises They Learned Lesson About Honesty* https://t.co/PumD8ohS75 pic.twitter.com/dhYvCTmj4U

— The Onion (@TheOnion) December 18, 2017

[mckerney]

The Morning Sweat: Could Losing To Clemson Hurt Alabama's Chances Of Making It To The National Championship? pic.twitter.com/26q0sC4DBm

— The Onion (@TheOnion) December 29, 2017

[mckerney]

Priest Regrets Vow Of Celibacy After Learning About Furries https://t.co/hgtIUY13w6 pic.twitter.com/st3aPGFXtQ

— The Onion (@TheOnion) February 26, 2018

[Shkspr]

Well, I mean, it wasn't THAT funny.

[PilotMan]

hxxps://politics.theonion.com/mohawked-rex-tillerson-warns-u-s-democracy-threatened-1826118823

[RainMaker]

Nation Calls For Letting Biden Rub Women’s Shoulders Again After Seeing What He’ll Do Instead https://t.co/TsmXYzlqn2 pic.twitter.com/nT1W7b1kOz

— The Onion (@TheOnion) December 2, 2019

[CrimsonFox]

Wisconsin Primary Voters Receive ˜I Voted"™ Gravestones

[CrimsonFox]

Pros And Cons Of Reopening America Before Coronavirus Pandemic Ends

[CrimsonFox]

Tyson Promises Meatpackers Who Die From Coronavirus Will Not Go To Waste



This gives new meaning to this meme...

[CrimsonFox]

Protestors Criticized For Looting Businesses Without Forming Private Equity Firm First

[RainMaker]

Morbid but The Onion has been really good lately.

Auntie Anne’s Breaks From Pack By Calling For Protesters To Be Shot

‘Let Them Have Eric,’ Screams Trump While Pushing Son Through Door Of Bunker

‘She Needs A Bible Now, Fuckwad—Yes, It’s For An Epic Clapback!’ Yells Panicked Pelosi Aide Into Phone

De Blasio: ‘It Is An Honor To Have My Daughter Doxxed By The Greatest Police Force In The World’

[CrimsonFox]

Rudy Giuliani Releases Video Of Himself Masturbating To Show What It Would Actually Look Like

[RainMaker]

Texas School Censors All Of ‘Huck Finn’ Except The N-Words

[NobodyHere]

Texas Schools Require Clear Bags To Prevent Students From Bringing In Books https://t.co/6TIkbxcbPR pic.twitter.com/55p23VGrku

— The Onion (@TheOnion) August 19, 2022

[CrimsonFox]

[CrimsonFox]

‘Layoffs Are Necessary If We Want To Keep The Lights On,’ Says CEO Halfway Through Tasting Menu

[RainMaker]

Frustrated Robert Kraft Wishes There Were Somewhere He Could Go To Relieve Tension Of Patriots Season