The Shitty Habits of a Middle Aged Man

[Subby]

God. Fucking. Dammit.

Apologies to the more pious among us, but not THREE FUCKING YEARS later and I think I still weigh the EXACT SAME that I did when I started this shitbag experiment. WHY?! What in god's name is wrong with me that I cannot start something and stick with it to conclusion? Did I wreck my bike three times and break five total bones and tear one internal organ in the interim? MAYBE. Did I have a day recently where I ate a pint and a half of Ben and Jerry's in about thirty minutes? DAY, MORE LIKE DAYS AMIRIGHT?

So now he we are - I am 44 and unreformed and no closer to being healthy or having healthy habits than I was in July of 2012. I am so addicted to sugar that I can barely get out of the way of my own mouth when it presents itself.

It is fucking July 21st and I turn 45 on February 5th and with GOD AS MY WITNESS (sorry in advance for swearing, God) I WILL LOSE 45 FUCKING POUNDS BY MY BIRTHDAY. Enough is enough. Really. Ill-fitting khakis and golf shirts are no way to go through life.

Weigh in tomorrow. Commitment to post every day until February 5th. LIVE NUDE PICS A POSSIBILITY. I am that serious.

Here was Day Negative One (yesterday and pretty much the last three years)

1. Brush and floss twice. (Haha what?)
2. Out of bed by 6am. (7am)
3. Exercise for 45 minutes. (On couch for 45 minutes at least!)
4. No buying breakfast (other than from the grocery store). (Nope - starbucks)
5. Eat 5 servings of fruit during the day. (5 is a lot! No.)
6. Eat a salad, for fuck's sake. (YES I DID THIS BY ACCIDENT)
7. No soda. MMM YUMMY COKE NO ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS
8. No Starbucks. Their food is seriously beyond shitty anyway. BREAKFAST!
9. No convenience stores. Do not even look at them. I MANAGED TO AVOID! POINT!
10. No buying lunch, unless it's a salad, for fuck's sake. IT WAS SEARING HOT SO STAYED IN DOORS, HALF POINT
11. No restaurant desserts. You're full...that means stop eating. SO SAD THIS IS A LIST ITEM.
12. No ice cream unless you are out with family. THIS SHOULD BE #1
13. No burgers AND fries. Pick one...or divide both in half. WOULD HAVE IF I COULD HAVE!
14. No eating after 8pm. That doesn't mean you should eat a tin of salted almonds at 7:45p. FIVE PIECES OF PIZZA PLUS CHEESEY BREAD AT 9PM!
15. No eating in car. Ever. MMMM SWEEET SCONE MMMMM
16. No food from work kitchen. Unless it's a skewers of fresh fruit. (It isn't.) ARTISINAL CRANBERRY LOAF IN MY TUMMY BC ARTISINAL
17. No donuts or candy bars or cookies. This has been combined into one line item. OOOH I HAVE NEVER TRIED A CRONUT BEFORE!
18. No gorging pizza. That means two slices, tops. FIVE SLICES FAIL IDIOT
19. No caffeine abuse. That means 24 ounces of coffee per day. HAHAHA NEVER
20. No second helpings. This also translates to NO BUFFETS. Unless you are in Vegas. Then get your buffet on. FIVE HELPINGS OF PIZZA!
21. No sports drinks. Did you just run for 2 hours? No? Then drink water or seltzer. Oh boo hoo, taste, boo hoo. HEY ANOTHER POINT! I WILL LIVE FOREVER!
22. In fact, drink 64 ounces of water every day. Why? Because otherwise you will put 64 ounces of shit in your body. BUT SCIENCE SAYS I DON'T HAVE TO
23. There is no rule that you can't leave Chipotle until you have eaten 1000 calories. Never eat more than half of your meal. Take the rest to go. THIS IS BEING REWRITTEN TO INCLUDE CAVA, SMASHBURGER, BGR, ELEVATION BURGER, SWEETGREEN, BURGER7, YOU EAT OUT TOO MUCH

And just to put the cherry on the top of this hugely disgusting life sundae, I have biked 14,500 miles since the beginning of 2013. And yes, I still weigh the exact same.

[Izulde]

One of the greatest dynasties EVAR is back!

[Young Drachma]

You are a biking maniac. Truth.

[Subby]

TWO HUNDRED AND SIX POUNDS

Unbelievable. I just did some back of the napkin math and 206 pounds is A LOT OF WEIGHT. It's not healthy or good. I weigh more than the majority of the cornerbacks in the NFL. I maybe used to be five foot ten and a half. I am pretty sure I have shrunk down to about five foot nine at this point. There is no way I see the roaring 2020s if I continue to be a human garbage compactor.

Here is what I ate yesterday:

starbucks coffee, chocolate chip scone, bacon cheese omelette (that I made), cup o' blueberries, bagged salad, two fistfuls of planter's heart healthy nut mix, two grilled italian sausages with buns and grilled peppers and onions, celery, ONE (1) Leinenkhugels (lol spelling) Summer Shandy.

Obviously the immediate issue is that I made my breakfast and brought it with me to work, but ON THE WAY TO WORK I decided to stop anyway and get Starbucks. WHY? YOU ALREADY HAVE BREAKFAST. So I immediately break about ten different rules, the worst being...DO NOT FUCKING EAT IN YOUR CAR. SLOB. Eating food in your car is only acceptable if you are a blue collar hard working 'Merican that is trying to shove down his quarter pound big bite and 32 oz gatorade in between actual, real, NOT WHITE COLLAR jobs. When you are a soft, pink, weak, pudgy keyboard key masher you DO NOT eat in your car. You do not need to do that because that is gross. VERY GROSS.

SHIT I DIDN'T DO YESTERDAY

1. Brush and floss twice. ONCE? THAT'S NOT TWICE.
2. Out of bed by 6am. YOU ARE LAZY.
4. No buying breakfast HEAVY ASTHMATIC SIGH
8. No Starbucks. WHEEZY ASTHMATIC SIGH
15. No eating in car. Ever. HEAVY BREATHING SCONE SO GOOD
17. No donuts or candy bars or cookies. This has been combined into one line item. SCONE IS IN THIS FAMILY TREE
19. No caffeine abuse. That means 24 ounces of coffee per day. HAHAHA NEVER
20. No second helpings. This also translates to NO BUFFETS. Unless you are in Vegas. Then get your buffet on. MMM THAT SAUSAGE WAS GOOD BUT TWO SAUSAGE BETTER
22. Drink 64 ounces of water every day. I AM PERPETUALLY DEHYDRATED LIKE A TASTY HAM

Hey guess what? Nine fucking ways you fucked yourself yesterday. Good news is you exercised, ate a salad, ate a decent amount of fruit, did not eat after 8pm. Bad news is you ingested about 2800 calories. Great if you are training for a Triathlon. YOU ARE NOT TRAINING FOR A TRIATHLON.

[Young Drachma]

Sidenote: If this shit was a tumblr, you'd probably get a book deal.

[Subby]

I would just eat it.

[digamma]

If you treat this weight loss thing like you did the online poker bonus whoring, you will lose like 450 pounds.

[Alan T]

The return of this thread is the second best return ever, behind the return of Inspector Gadget.

[Subby]

(11:44:42) digamma: let's get a fat ass subby update today



Where the fuck do you even begin with this picture? So much. First things first can I get an A.P.B. on my fucking belt? For chrissakes it's like a goddamn brown snake hiding from the midday heat under a massive boulder.

"Hey Tubby - horizontal pink stripes are not working for your horizontally pink body." said everyone.

I mean good lord am I putting a hurting on that shirt or what? The cotton fibers are SCREAMING IN AGONY. Not only is my massively sugar fueled stomach doing it's best impression of an Alien birth scene, but my NOT IMPRESSIVE manboobs are sagging with massive disappointment.

This is what I look like ALL OF THE TIME because I cannot get my shit together. I am wearing a hand me down awful golf shirt from my father-in-law because baggy clothes are slimming! Pretty sure your chest is not supposed to be three sizes smaller than your waist, but I guess I need to google that to be sure.

So this what I have become. Middle aged man in an ill-fitting pink striped golf shirt taking bathroom selfies. Good job buddy!

Anyway, scale said 205.4 this morning so whatever. Mentally I need to lose 5 pounds a day or I become absolutely DESPONDENT that this JUST ISN'T WORKING. How fragile and infantile is my fucking brain? It's ridiculous.

So many rules broken yesterday and of course I have excuses for all of them!

1. Brush and floss twice. (DUDE)
2. Out of bed by 6am. (YOU ARE LAZY)
4. No buying breakfast (BOUGHT BREAKFAST)
10. No buying lunch, unless it's a salad, for fuck's sake. (BOUGHT LUNCH)
16. No food from work kitchen. Unless it's a skewers of fresh fruit. (It isn't.) WORKED AT HOME OR WOULD HAVE.
19. No caffeine abuse. TWENTY OUNCE COFFEE AT 7PM AND THEN 7 HOURS OF FITFUL FUCKED UP DREAMS. DUMB.
22. In fact, drink 64 ounces of water every day. Why? Because otherwise you will put 64 ounces of shit in your body. TRY HARDER.

So I worked at home yesterday and rather than eat the food I already paid for that was sitting in my refrigerator, I took the easy way out and ate out EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL. Silver lining, I didn't go overboard and actually had a pretty good eating day...but still. GET IT TOGETHER.

[Subby]

ALMOST THE PERFECT DAY

I came so close yesterday. Rolled out of bed a little late, but I would have counted it. Road the long way to work and to home, 31 total miles. Ate breakfast I made, brought a bagged salad for lunch, had a sandwich for dinner. Didn't eat after 8. FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH.

No.

25) DO NOT FALL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH

You get a bad night's sleep, which affects you the next day. Which makes you a walking, grousing, hungry pain in the ass. You crave carbs. YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. Plus it is terrible for your marriage. TERRIBLE.

GOOD NEWS: 203. Or is that bad news? Because 2 pounds in one day is just water weight and so when I get on the scale tomorrow I will have gained weight and will start sobbing like a little girl.

[Alan T]

Originally Posted by Subby

GOOD NEWS: 203. Or is that bad news? Because 2 pounds in one day is just water weight and so when I get on the scale tomorrow I will have gained weight and will start sobbing like a little girl.

Maybe it was only like 1 pound of water weight and 1 pound of real weight? Then tomorrow you can break even!

[Subby]

MONDAY JULY 27

So I had a three-day weekend that included a) a road trip b) lots of free time. This is usually a FUCKING DISASTER. Here is a typical eating day for me on the weekend (for realz):

- Breakfast out with big breakfast sandwich and maybe a brownie to go?
- Lunch out maybe Chipotle or burger and fries and soda or milkshake at burger and fries place.
- Weird dinner maybe frozen pizza or homemade nachos.
- pint + of ice cream
- late night snacking
- a beer?
- pass out on couch.

I'm no mathematician, but that might be 100,000 calories. None of that includes exercise. On the weekends there is TOO MUCH UNCONSTRUCTED TIME FOR ME TO BE STUPID. I need less time. My days need to be 2 hours long and I need to be asleep for the rest of the time because I am a danger to myself.

BUT WAIT! I have the rules! Just follow the goddamn rules and maybe you can make it through this. So take Friday for example. I actually make it through half of the day and then I black out and all of a sudden I am AT A BREWERY. How did I get here? Who knows? I DO know that Alcohol + Patio + Low humidity + Magic Hour Sunshine = LICENSE TO STUFF LEFT SIDE OF MENU INTO CAKE CRUSHER.

Deep breath, you have rules. Fucking follow them. Like this one for example!

13. No burgers AND fries. Pick one...or divide both in half.

I feel like I cheated a little because the burger was FIFTEEN FUCKING DOLLARS (yay northern virginia cost of living!) and that did NOT include fries ($6) so kind of on principal I said fuck that shit (POLITELY). Now to be fair, this $15 Burger was the equivalent of the mythical $5 Milkshake. It was incredible. I ate it slowly and savored it with my yuppie-ass citrusy microbrew (also good!) And along with a shared cheese plate - that was my meal! I didn't stumble out of there hating myself. I mean, I guess I did because just in general I hate myself and I need a list of 25 rules to fucking function every day. BUT I wasn't overfull AND hating myself. Win-win!

Rest of the weekend was good. Blah blah blah. No one cares. I weigh 199.4 pounds but am so weak I couldn't get out of bed this morning until like 7:30.

Real quick I want to revisit the rules. I have to follow these every day. When I feel myself losing my way (every goddamn hour) I have to fall back on these. If I do, my will ram a shiv in my fat face subsides, ever so slightly.

Also, re-ordered.

1. Out of bed by 6am.
2. In bed by 10pm.
3. One hour of recorded activity daily.
4. No buying breakfast or eating breakfast out.
5. Eat 5 servings of fruit during the day.
6. Eat a salad, for fuck's sake.
7. No soda.
8. No Starbucks.
9. No convenience stores except for gas.
10. Bring your lunch to work.
11. No restaurant desserts. You're full...that means stop eating.
12. No ice cream unless you are out with family.
13. No burgers AND fries. Pick one...or divide both in half.
14. No eating after 8pm.
15. No eating in car. Ever.
16. No food from work kitchen. Unless it's a skewers of fresh fruit. (It isn't.) 17. No donuts or candy bars or cookies or baked sweets of any kind.
18. Do not ever eat more than 2 slices of pizza in one meal
19. No drinking coffee after noon because it FUCKS your sleep.
20. No second helpings (unless you are at a money VEGAS buffet).
21. No sports drinks unless you just ran for two hours.
22. Do not fall asleep on the couch.
23. Do not watch tv for more than an hour.
24. Do not spend more than an hour on the computer when at home.
25. Brush and floss twice daily.

Those are 25 shitty habits that I need to break or establish. I would contend that unless you are an alcoholic or addicted to illegal narcotics, you could follow this list and be pretty happy with your life. Maybe.

[claphamsa]

which brewery?

[Subby]

Caboose Brewing Company

[Kodos]

Note to self: Start checking the Dynasty forum every day again.

Go Subby. You can do this! You kick ass on the bike. You just need to control your pie hole.

[Subby]

OFF THE FUCKING RAILS

So on a whim I took two of my kids (the pre-teens) on a two day trip to Williamsburg. The idea was to do Busch Gardens and Water Country and then intersperse that with trips to a few of my favorite haunts from my college days at William and Mary.

Day One worked out okay! Breakfast at home, reasonable PRETZEL SAUSAGE sandwich with BEER MUSTARD in the Germany section of Busch Gardens. I even passed on the Dippin Dots (ICE MILK OF THE FUTURE) that my kids got late in the day. When it comes to amusement parks, we ride hard and this time was no different. Non-stop rollercoaster action at Busch, then we moved on to Water Country for some hot and steamy waterpark action. Done by 7pm. We check in to the Marriott and decide to hit one of my old drinking holes for dinner. Fast forward to about 8:30pm, we are on the porch of College Delly, I have beer, my kids are sucking down root beers and we have a fucking ENORMOUS plate of the best cheese fries (with Bacon!) you have ever put in your mouth hole. We eat it and are so full we can barely choke down our entree meals. That's okay, because we are on a patio with beers and the weather is good and we are happy. We walk around campus a little, head back to the hotel and sleep hard for nine hours. SUCCESS.

Then comes day 2.

Never been to Duck Donuts before and god forbid I die before that happens, so we make the trek there, get a six pack and head over to an independent coffee shop that is somehow still standing in the 20+ years it debuted in a forgotten stripmall in the middle of nowhere. Coffee and donuts are good! However, I have now just ingested more sugar in one sitting than I had in the past three or four days combined. Then I take two dramamine because the SPINE TWISTING coasters at Busch Gardens had me feeling old and queasy. Then we go to ride some spine twisting coasters. The dramamine somehow makes me feel worse and I can barely stand I am so looped out on sugar and caffeine and dramamine. I feel like Belushi the second he realized he was probably going to die after that last speedball. Probably.

Around two o'clock, with my blood sugar pooling around my ankles, we head to a great sandwich shop right off campus. I decide I will make things better by adding chocolate milk to my meal (ARTISANALLY CRAFTED AT A LOCAL DAIRY!) So, more sugar. Then we head to Wythe Candy Shoppe to get stuff to bring back for the the rest of the family that couldn't be there. Still feeling woozy I decide that the best thing to do would be to by a half pound of mixed yogurt covered and chocolate covered pretzels. I proceed to eat almost all of them on the way to Water Country. Fast forward 60 minutes and I am floating face up in the wave pool in a diabetic coma. My kids kep coming to check on me, I keep waving them off. Finally, I start feeling better and we end up riding enough rides together to make the day awesome again.

Now we are driving home at 8pm and stop in Richmond to have dinner with my brother and his wife at the best taco place I have ever experienced (En Su Boca). I am GOOD there. I get water. I eat tacos. Unfortunately, we don't leave until 10pm and it's still a good 90 miles home. And I am TIRED. And of course there is highway construction, turning a 90 minute trip to a two and a half hour trip. And I am falling asleep. Now I am in survival mode, just doing anything I can to stay awake - which includes stopping at a convenience store (Whoops) to get a Coke Zero (no) and chowing down on the caramel and chocolate covered popcorn (no) we got as a free throw for spending THIRTY FUCKING DOLLARS at the candy store.

So we finally get home and my sugarbetes is so bad that I can't even see out of one eye (or maybe I dreamt that). I woke up this morning with the worst fucking sugar hangover since 12 year-old me ate about 17 Reggie candy bars in one sitting.

BUT!

You get off track It happens. That's why we have the list and it's the only thing that saved me today from stopping at Starbucks on the way in to work. Follow the list. Follow the list. Follow the list. Get back on track.

Somehow I gained 6 pounds in two days and now weigh 205. Hopefully that's a false flag, people.

[digamma]

Originally Posted by Subby

Weigh in tomorrow. Commitment to post every day until February 5th. LIVE NUDE PICS A POSSIBILITY. I am that serious.

You are a God damned tease of a sexy, sexy man.

[Kodos]

Denny’s Market Researcher Emerges From Focus Group Shaken After Finding Out What Americans Really Want For Breakfast - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

This made me think of you, Subby.

[sterlingice]

I don't remember how I stumbled across this thread today but I really could use an update. I couldn't stop laughing after re-reading this for a bit

(EDIT: Sorry to everyone else who thought there was an update)

SI