08-05-2008, 11:59 AM | #1 | ||
lolzcat
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: sans pants
|
Charles Haley was feelin' it. No...really.
hxxp://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/08/charles-haley-would-like-you-to-watch-him-masturbate.html
Charles Haley Would Like You To Watch Him Masturbate Jeff Pearlman has a new book coming out in September called Boys Will Be Boys, which chronicles the Cowboys during the Aikman-Smith-Irvin glory years. Tucked inside the book is a chapter called “The Last Naked Warrior,” which is a nickname defensive end Charles Haley used for himself. Haley, if you recall, was a goddamn beast of a pass rusher, and also a legendary asshole. But what you may not know about Haley is that he was: A) Legitimately insane B) Hung like Milton Berle C) Liked jacking off in front of teammates and coaches And not playful jerking off. We’re talking the real, hardcore, I’m-home-and-my-wife-is-at-the-movies jerking off. I’ll let Pearlman fill you in: "Haley would stroll up to an unsuspecting (49er) teammate, whip out his phallus, and repeatedly stroke it in his face. Players initially laughed it off…" Hey look, it’s Charles’ huge erection! And he’s pleasuring himself! Man, that is funny. "But Haley refused to stop. He would jerk off in the locker room, in the trainer’s room. He’d wrap his hand around his penis, turn toward a Joe Montana or John Taylor, and bellow, ‘You know you wanna suck this!’" Well, it was San Francisco. I, for one, am glad to see that Haley liked to go native. I’m assuming Montana replied, “Really? I know I wanna suck that? Well, it hadn’t occurred to me before. But now that you’re masturbating right in front of me in a completely unprofessional manner, I can see your point.” Pearlman also gets this quote from Michael Silver: ”Charles used to beat off in meetings while talking graphically about other players’ wives. It got to the point of ejaculation.” Well, if you don’t reach the point of ejaculation, there IS no point. Am I right? Think about this quote for just a moment. You go to work. You go sit in a meeting. Then Bob from Accounting decides to take out his Frankencock and starts talking about banging your wife, and then orgasms right in front of you. That’s… unusual. It won’t surprise you to know that Haley was also a raging homophobe, saying to a new Cowboy teammate once: “You’re from California? You must be a fucking faggot.” And he would know! Because he was in California once, jerking off in front of large groups of other men. I haven’t seen a homosexual this insecure since Vin Diesel. Brady Quinn would like him to sign with the Browns ASAP.
__________________
Superman was flying around and saw Wonder Woman getting a tan in the nude on her balcony. Superman said I going to hit that real fast. So he flys down toward Wonder Woman to hit it and their is a loud scream. The Invincible Man scream what just hit me in the ass!!!!! I do shit, I take pictures, I write about it: chrisshue.com Last edited by Subby : 08-05-2008 at 12:01 PM. |
||
08-05-2008, 12:01 PM | #2 |
Coordinator
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Keene, NH
|
Charles Haley named his cat Ceiling Cat
__________________
Mile High Hockey Last edited by Draft Dodger : 08-05-2008 at 12:05 PM. |
08-05-2008, 12:03 PM | #3 | |
lolzcat
Join Date: May 2001
Location: williamsburg, va
|
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......
__________________
Text Sports Network - Bringing you statistical information for several FOF MP leagues in one convenient site Quote:
|
|
08-05-2008, 12:03 PM | #4 |
Head Coach
Join Date: Dec 2001
|
meh, that doesn't sound all that unusual
__________________
"Don't you have homes?" -- Judge Smales |
08-05-2008, 12:03 PM | #5 | |
Morgado's Favorite Forum Fascist
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Greensboro, NC
|
Quote:
__________________
The media don't understand the kinds of problems and pressures 54 million come wit'! |
|
08-05-2008, 12:07 PM | #6 |
Head Coach
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: North Carolina
|
Awesome story.
|
08-05-2008, 12:08 PM | #7 |
General Manager
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: New Mexico
|
When I hear stories like that, I am so glad I didn't become a professional athlete.
|
08-05-2008, 12:10 PM | #8 | |
Head Coach
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: North Carolina
|
Oh, and a note in case any of you guys end up as my co-worker. I don't really recognize this distinction:
Quote:
If you take out your dick and play with it in front of me, even in a "playful" manner, I'm probably going to HR to file a complaint. Consider this fair warning. |
|
08-05-2008, 12:11 PM | #9 |
Pro Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: In the thick of it.
|
Oh. My. God.
__________________
I'm still here. Don't touch my fucking bacon. |
08-05-2008, 12:12 PM | #10 |
Death Herald
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Le stelle la notte sono grandi e luminose nel cuore profondo del Texas
|
I never realized that Fritz is actually Charles Haley. Wow.
__________________
Thinkin' of a master plan 'Cuz ain't nuthin' but sweat inside my hand So I dig into my pocket, all my money is spent So I dig deeper but still comin' up with lint |
08-05-2008, 12:13 PM | #11 | |
Grizzled Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Wisconsin
|
Quote:
I don't know... I'm masturbating around teammates is common then I could possibly give it a whirl with joining a womans soccer team.
__________________
You, you will regret what you have done this day. I will make you regret ever being born. Your going to wish you never left your mothers womb, where it was warm and safe... and wet. i am going to show you pain you never knew existed, you are going to see a whole new spectrum of pain, like a Rainboooow. But! This rainbow is not just like any other rainbow, its... |
|
08-05-2008, 12:13 PM | #12 |
H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: D/FW
|
Didn't Haley also take a dump on someone's car?
|
08-05-2008, 12:17 PM | #13 |
Head Coach
Join Date: Dec 2001
|
No, he shit on someone's house.
__________________
"Don't you have homes?" -- Judge Smales |
08-05-2008, 12:25 PM | #14 |
Resident Alien
Join Date: Jun 2001
|
Hmmmm. Makes you think about J.J.'s hair.
|
08-05-2008, 12:26 PM | #15 |
Coordinator
Join Date: Jan 2002
|
"If anyone needs me, I'll be upstairs in my room masturbating."
__________________
Down Goes Brown: Toronto Maple Leafs Humor and Analysis |
08-05-2008, 12:26 PM | #16 |
General Manager
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: New Mexico
|
I just noticed Subby's new location. I like it.
|
08-05-2008, 12:29 PM | #17 |
Grizzled Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Wisconsin
|
__________________
You, you will regret what you have done this day. I will make you regret ever being born. Your going to wish you never left your mothers womb, where it was warm and safe... and wet. i am going to show you pain you never knew existed, you are going to see a whole new spectrum of pain, like a Rainboooow. But! This rainbow is not just like any other rainbow, its... |
08-05-2008, 12:30 PM | #18 |
Grizzled Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Stuck in Yinzerville, PA
|
Najah Davenport took a shit in some girls laundry basket!
|
08-05-2008, 12:32 PM | #19 |
Head Coach
Join Date: Dec 2001
|
No, Amanda Peterson's which inspired the scene in the movie. Najeh Davenport failed horribly years later when all he could muster was a shit in a closet.
__________________
"Don't you have homes?" -- Judge Smales |
08-05-2008, 12:33 PM | #20 |
Grizzled Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Wisconsin
|
__________________
You, you will regret what you have done this day. I will make you regret ever being born. Your going to wish you never left your mothers womb, where it was warm and safe... and wet. i am going to show you pain you never knew existed, you are going to see a whole new spectrum of pain, like a Rainboooow. But! This rainbow is not just like any other rainbow, its... |
08-05-2008, 12:48 PM | #21 |
Coordinator
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Chicagoland
|
Wow.
|
08-05-2008, 01:00 PM | #22 |
College Prospect
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Bryson Shitty, NC
|
Charles in charge, of our days, and our nights...
__________________
Recklessly enthused, stubbornly amused. FUCK EA
|
08-05-2008, 01:05 PM | #23 |
General Manager
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: The Town of Flower Mound
|
The only part that I care about. He made the Cowboys from a very good team to a great team...
__________________
UTEP Miners!!! I solemnly swear to never cheer for TO |
08-05-2008, 01:08 PM | #24 |
Pro Starter
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Burke, VA
|
When I hear stories like that, I so wish I had become a professional athlete.
|
08-05-2008, 01:14 PM | #25 |
Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Decatur, GA
|
Awkward.
__________________
"A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages" -Tennessee Williams |
08-05-2008, 01:54 PM | #26 | |
Coordinator
Join Date: Oct 2000
|
Quote:
I wonder if Charles Haley was the motivation for that sketch... |
|
08-05-2008, 02:21 PM | #27 |
Coordinator
Join Date: Sep 2003
|
This is all a plot to keep him out of the HoF.
|
08-05-2008, 02:22 PM | #28 |
Grizzled Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Stuck in Yinzerville, PA
|
|
08-05-2008, 02:23 PM | #29 |
Head Coach
Join Date: Dec 2001
|
The Charles Haley induction speech should feature a hooker in the podium giving him head.
__________________
"Don't you have homes?" -- Judge Smales |
08-05-2008, 03:26 PM | #30 |
College Starter
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: san jose CA
|
I always wondered why he was such an outcast that he had to be traded away from the 49ers, but fit in so well in Dallas.
|
08-05-2008, 04:05 PM | #31 | |
Grizzled Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: St. Paul, MN
|
Quote:
I'm really glad they added that qualifier there. Oddly, not long ago I was trying to find the exact trade details of what Dallas gave to SF to obtain Haley and I found the following article: hxxp://www.dallasobserver.com/1997-09-25/news/one-angry-man/ Kind of long, but an interesting look into a unique guy. |
|
08-05-2008, 04:51 PM | #32 |
Head Coach
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Surfside Beach,SC USA
|
|
08-05-2008, 05:19 PM | #33 |
General Manager
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: New Mexico
|
Please, no. |
08-05-2008, 08:56 PM | #34 |
College Benchwarmer
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Amarillo, TX
|
|
08-05-2008, 09:03 PM | #35 |
College Starter
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: South Florida
|
|
08-05-2008, 09:30 PM | #36 |
Pro Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: PDX
|
---snip---
Berle was also famous within show business for the rumored size of his penis. Phil Silvers once told a story about standing next to Berle at a urinal, glancing down, and quipping, "You'd better feed that thing, or it's liable to turn on you!" Saturday Night Live writer Alan Zweibel, who had written many Friars Club jokes about Berle's penis for other comedians, described being treated to a private showing: "He just takes out this— this anaconda. He lays it on the table and I'm looking into this thing, right? I'm looking into the head of Milton Berle's dick. It was enormous. It was like a pepperoni. And he goes, 'What do you think of the boy?' And I'm looking right at it and I go, 'Oh, it's really, really nice.'" At a memorial service for Berle at the New York Friars' Club, Freddie Roman solemnly announced, "On May 1st and May 2nd, his penis will be buried." ---snip--- |
08-05-2008, 09:59 PM | #37 |
Head Coach
Join Date: Sep 2004
|
Charles Haley is awesome.
__________________
2006 Golden Scribe Nominee 2006 Golden Scribe Winner Best Non-Sport Dynasty: May Our Reign Be Green and Golden (CK Dynasty) Rookie Writer of the Year Dynasty of the Year: May Our Reign Be Green and Golden (CK Dynasty) |
08-05-2008, 10:26 PM | #38 |
Grizzled Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Stuck in Yinzerville, PA
|
|
08-05-2008, 10:35 PM | #39 |
General Manager
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: The Town of Flower Mound
|
__________________
UTEP Miners!!! I solemnly swear to never cheer for TO |
08-05-2008, 10:44 PM | #40 |
Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Mays Landing, NJ USA
|
I ca see his induction speach now. Midway he whips it out and yells to the crowd "You know you want to suck it!!!"
I bet we know the answer Aikman gave him... |
08-05-2008, 10:46 PM | #41 |
General Manager
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: The Town of Flower Mound
|
Hey, your Reggie White is showing, EF...
__________________
UTEP Miners!!! I solemnly swear to never cheer for TO |
08-05-2008, 11:13 PM | #42 |
Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Mays Landing, NJ USA
|
|
08-06-2008, 12:06 AM | #43 |
College Prospect
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: TX
|
Charles
Haley Evidently Enjoyed To Openly Stroke
__________________
I try to open things I probably have no chance of opening. |
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests) | |
Thread Tools | |
|
|