Online dating

[MrBug708]

Sometimes the experience gained in short term relationships can be valuable for the long term stuff.

If you are thinking marriage on the first date, you probably need to pump your brakes, especially when you dont know

[Lathum]

Be the rebound guy and have some crazy monkey sex then move on.

If you are always looking for someone to be "the one" its never going to happen, when the right one comes along it will be like a lightening bolt for you both.

In the meantime have fun and take chances, life can be exhilarating if you let it.

[Izulde]

They'd been married less than a year. I was going to wait until May, but perhaps you guys are right that the time is now. I'll ask her out on Saturday then, as she's dropping me off home before she goes to work.

[Izulde]

Going to ask her on a date soon. Heart is pounding like a motherfucker.

[dzilla77]

That just means you're alive. Good luck.

[Izulde]

And she's not ready.

[Izulde]

And in the text message debriefing afterwards, she was stunned to hear I thought she had interest in me, and didn't expect at all that I had developed any sort of feelings. The usual line of considers me close friend, etc.

[Izulde]

So, long and short, I have another female BFF, and I'm going to go get so drunk, I can't move.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Izulde

So, long and short, I have another female BFF, and I'm going to go get so drunk, I can't move.

I'll join ya!

But at least you tried and can move on to find another fish.

[cuervo72]

Yep, better to know that now.

[Radii]

Originally Posted by cuervo72

Yep, better to know that now.

+1, big time. Sucks, but far, far better than where you were.

[Izulde]

True. Glad I listened to FOFC, and asked now, rather than May. She couldn't nap like she planned because she thought she lost my friendship. *wry smile* Gonna chain drink screwdrivers.

[cuervo72]

I mean, it's nice to have friends I guess. But I don't get why so many women seem to think that guys, especially SINGLE guys, are out actively looking for female friends. Single guys are typically looking for action. (I mean, that's not to say women friends aren't worthwhile. But there's nothing much distinguishing them from just hanging out with guy friends, and when you're putting time into a relationship, you're not going to have as much time to put into friendships. So it seems like a distraction? Unless they have friends to set you up with, but eh, I dunno.)

[Izulde]

Forever alone is my jam *tears*

[Izulde]

God damn. Got so drunk, I puked. Haven't done that since undergrad.

[NobodyHere]

ping: Drunk Guy

[Izulde]

To put this in perspective, it's been 11 years since I've had this depth of feeling for someone, so yeah, I'm gonna take it hard.

[JAG]

No shame in that. Glad you took the chance to move sooner than you planned but sorry to hear it didn't work out.

[BYU 14]

Ditto that, sorry it didn't work out like you hoped my friend, but better to know sooner rather than later.

Your special one will come

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by BYU 14

Ditto that, sorry it didn't work out like you hoped my friend, but better to know sooner rather than later.

Your special one will come

Completely agreed. Better to know now than to keep investing emotional energy into something she saw completely different.

[Lathum]

A short while from now you'll look back and wonder what it was you even saw in her.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by cuervo72

I mean, it's nice to have friends I guess. But I don't get why so many women seem to think that guys, especially SINGLE guys, are out actively looking for female friends. Single guys are typically looking for action.

In the era of FWB, I'm not sure that isn't the easiest way to find action.

Just means you gotta actively look for female friends who roll like that.

[cuervo72]

I guess that could be, but I have no idea how any of that works (being so far out of the dating scene and, well, having little experience with it from when I WAS single). Or if it is largely the domain of younger folk. Or those with more appeal (the idea that a woman would want to use me for primarily sexual purposes is SO foreign to me that it bottles my mind).

[MrBug708]

Probably wouldnt have bared your soul to her, but rather pushed the dating aspect of it. No reason to make her think you're too eager

But better to know now than know later

[CU Tiger]

Originally Posted by cuervo72

I guess that could be, but I have no idea how any of that works (being so far out of the dating scene and, well, having little experience with it from when I WAS single). Or if it is largely the domain of younger folk. Or those with more appeal (the idea that a woman would want to use me for primarily sexual purposes is SO foreign to me that it bottles my mind).

cocky and funny?

As far as women friends my rule is FWB or wingman..if neither then...sorry just too busy.

[thesloppy]

Originally Posted by cuervo72

I mean, it's nice to have friends I guess. But I don't get why so many women seem to think that guys, especially SINGLE guys, are out actively looking for female friends. Single guys are typically looking for action.

I think the critical difference may be that (some) women they are able to get some amount of action and/or satisfaction out of the flirtatious attention that comes out of the gray area within a casual friendship between two single parties of the opposite sex, whereas a guy typically needs a more definitive, physical payoff. Those flirtatious butterflies can seemingly be their own reward for womenfolk, whereas for dudes they mainly serve as a signal to move forward.

It's pretty easy to assume that the other party shares your feelings, and so women can easily assume the man is getting satisfaction he's not from a casual friendship, and vise-versa. Things get further confused by the fact that culturally men are taught to pretend they truly are only in it for the friendship, and women are taught to pretend like they believe them.

[Izulde]

Originally Posted by MrBug708

Probably wouldnt have bared your soul to her, but rather pushed the dating aspect of it. No reason to make her think you're too eager

But better to know now than know later

Point of clarification: I did no soul baring. Literally what I did was ask her out on a date, and she said, "As friends? Sure." At this point, Izulde should have taken this and run with it, but considering not two days before in a class where we were discussing someone's research paper topic (how social media has affected social relationships), the very distinction between hanging out and dating came up. Plus, I was sick and tired of being the nice guy all the time, so answered, "..Well...no." And that's when she said simply that she wasn't ready. I did have a bit of a physical shock reaction, admittedly, but that was it. Said I understood, all that (which is true).

Then she texted me, saying she didn't know how this happened, and what caused me to misunderstand her - that though we've only known each other a few months, it feels longer than that, and like I'm one of her closest, oldest, best friends. That she also wasn't entirely over her ex, etc, and only wanted a close friendship with me.

I didn't feel like getting into the whole how/why the misunderstanding arose, so to spare us both the hassle, I simply said it was my fault for misreading how she felt, and that I thought she liked me like that. And that I'm terrible at judging how people feel about me (which is true, incidentally). I also added that nothing has changed - it's simply clear how she feels now. I added that this isn't the first time in that situation, where a girl's considered me a close/best friend and I thought there was a chance of something more. Got over that and she's still a close/best friend, and that's what will happen here. I did further say that I would have asked her out at some point anyway - it's just that my thinking she had interest in me now, which made me do it sooner, which was good, so we could get it sorted out.

At no point did I ever specifically say anything about any depth of feeling, or my own feeling hurt - I simply stabilized and alleviated her own emotions (anger at herself for somehow making me think I liked her, depression and fear that she was going to lose me as a friend, etc.)

Now if all that counts as soul baring *shrugs* so be it. But I'm not sure that it was, TBH. Even if it was, it was a far less level than I used to in the past (I have, in my background, an annotated mix CD and a love letter written for two different girls that made them cry with the respective items' beauty and eloquence).

[Lathum]

Someone needs to teach girls that no straight guy in existence has ever wanted to be close friends.

[Dr. Sak]

Take the information I provide below FWIW...one guy's perspective on being in the "Friend Zone" for a better part of a decade before I got married.

You seem like a honest, nice guy. We all have our moments when we can be a dick, but for the most part you genuniely care about the well being of your female friends. They find that out time and time again when you listen to them complain about their problems...whether it be work...a current/ex bf...husband or whatever. You are that sounding board telling them what they want to hear and she probably tells you that she wishes she could find a guy as "nice" as you.

You then tell her that you have feelings for her and she tells you something to the effect of: I just see you as a friend, I didn't mean for you to get those signals, I just got out of a relationship and I am not ready or just want you to be a friends. She will even blame herself for sending "mixed signals" but keep an eye out, I bet those signals still continue.

She keeps you close because you continue to feed her with the self confidence boost of jumping when she says jump full knowing that if a guy she is attracted to comes along, she will date him and you will be stuck hearing about their relationship. If it goes bad or sour the process repeats....all the meanwhile you are stuck with a glimmer of hope each time that THIS TIME she will see you in that way.

I lived that way for 8 years...and it wasn't until the 8th year did I start being selfish. I started standing up for myself and telling the women that just wanted to be friends (after asking them out) that I understand and respect their decision but I cannot be their friend at this time. I can't put myself through the emotional roller coaster and I cut it off with them. Was it rough at the time? Heck ya? But what I found out was that I was aware of more opportunties which I would have been blinding by before because of holding onto that hope.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what worked for me. It was a combination of what I mentioned above and the fact that I FINALLY realized that I was a good catch. I didn't need to follow these women around like a lost puppy hoping they would finally give me a shot.

I had numerous friends tell me what I am telling you time and time again, but it wasn't until I met my wife and did some looking back did I see it all so clear. This gal may not be anything like what I described but look back at all the times you've been put in the "friend zone", I bet you will find a pattern similar to what is happening.

Alright my novel is done. I apologize for the length of the post, but I see a lot of similarities between our situations.

Best of luck. Go out and get someone who deserves to be with you.

[CU Tiger]

Originally Posted by Lathum

Someone needs to teach girls that no straight guy in existence has ever wanted to be close friends.

+1
Well unless she has a really hot friend you are wanting her to introduce you too

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by CU Tiger

+1
Well unless she has a really hot friend you are wanting her to introduce you too

Then you are hoping for a threesome.

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by Dr. Sak

Take the information I provide below FWIW...one guy's perspective on being in the "Friend Zone" for a better part of a decade before I got married.

You seem like a honest, nice guy. We all have our moments when we can be a dick, but for the most part you genuniely care about the well being of your female friends. They find that out time and time again when you listen to them complain about their problems...whether it be work...a current/ex bf...husband or whatever. You are that sounding board telling them what they want to hear and she probably tells you that she wishes she could find a guy as "nice" as you.

You then tell her that you have feelings for her and she tells you something to the effect of: I just see you as a friend, I didn't mean for you to get those signals, I just got out of a relationship and I am not ready or just want you to be a friends. She will even blame herself for sending "mixed signals" but keep an eye out, I bet those signals still continue.

She keeps you close because you continue to feed her with the self confidence boost of jumping when she says jump full knowing that if a guy she is attracted to comes along, she will date him and you will be stuck hearing about their relationship. If it goes bad or sour the process repeats....all the meanwhile you are stuck with a glimmer of hope each time that THIS TIME she will see you in that way.

I lived that way for 8 years...and it wasn't until the 8th year did I start being selfish. I started standing up for myself and telling the women that just wanted to be friends (after asking them out) that I understand and respect their decision but I cannot be their friend at this time. I can't put myself through the emotional roller coaster and I cut it off with them. Was it rough at the time? Heck ya? But what I found out was that I was aware of more opportunties which I would have been blinding by before because of holding onto that hope.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what worked for me. It was a combination of what I mentioned above and the fact that I FINALLY realized that I was a good catch. I didn't need to follow these women around like a lost puppy hoping they would finally give me a shot.

I had numerous friends tell me what I am telling you time and time again, but it wasn't until I met my wife and did some looking back did I see it all so clear. This gal may not be anything like what I described but look back at all the times you've been put in the "friend zone", I bet you will find a pattern similar to what is happening.

Alright my novel is done. I apologize for the length of the post, but I see a lot of similarities between our situations.

Best of luck. Go out and get someone who deserves to be with you.

Huge +1.

Good Gawd, read this, Izulde. It's the straight truth.

[cuervo72]

Originally Posted by Dr. Sak

all the times you've been put in the "friend zone"

The thing is, there isn't really any being put there - in the vast majority of cases, you start out there. Most women (just like men) know if they find you attractive or not right from the get-go.

[Kodos]

I'll just pipe in that you shouldn't hang around just to prop up her ego. Not interested? Okay. Excuse me while I go find someone who is interested.

[Izulde]

Neither one of us brought up the weekend when she picked me up today, and after an initial awkwardness, it was as if nothing had happened. Personally, I believe that she has latent interest she's suppressing due to being emotionally unavailable at the moment (which I had no idea of, because she literally never mentions the ex to me).

Am I going to wait for her? Of course not. But I've been friends zoned enough times before to know when a girl is genuinely not at all interested romantically, and I haven't gotten that here at all. So we'll see what happens.

[dzilla77]

After 3 dates, I got "friendzoned" by the woman who is now my wife. So you're right, you never know.

[Galaxy]

Originally Posted by Izulde

Personally, I believe that she has latent interest she's suppressing due to being emotionally unavailable at the moment (which I had no idea of, because she literally never mentions the ex to me)

I hate to say this, but I don't think girls act this way. If they're interested, they're interested.

[sabotai]

Originally Posted by dzilla77

After 3 dates, I got "friendzoned" by the woman who is now my wife. So you're right, you never know.

I got "friend zoned" by someone I ended up going out with for about 7 years. The moment she friend zoned me, I made myself less available to her. We were dating within a week.

[Izulde]

Originally Posted by Galaxy

I hate to say this, but I don't think girls act this way. If they're interested, they're interested.

That may well be. Like I said, she's emotionally unavailable right now. It's possible she changes her mind as time goes on. If she does, and I'm still available, great. If she doesn't, or if I'm not available if she does change her mind, that's fine too. I'll still have a great friendship if nothing else, and that carries its own value. As much as I may bitch now and again about having so many close female friends I'd love to bang (I can think of 3 off the top of my head), my life's better for having them in it than without them.

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by Izulde

That may well be. Like I said, she's emotionally unavailable right now. It's possible she changes her mind as time goes on. If she does, and I'm still available, great. If she doesn't, or if I'm not available if she does change her mind, that's fine too. I'll still have a great friendship if nothing else, and that carries its own value. As much as I may bitch now and again about having so many close female friends I'd love to bang (I can think of 3 off the top of my head), my life's better for having them in it than without them.

Dude, I think your in the right place here. You've got a clear outlook and a great attitude about it.

[terpkristin]

I finally joined a dating site. Met up with one guy (he seemed interesting when we chatted but not in RL). Talking a lot to a different guy now. Going to try to go out with him next weekend (he lives near my parents, it's always a bad drive during traffic times). Always weary of finding a murderer or something...is that just a girl thing to be worried about?

Also tired of users like "milelongdong."

/tk

[stevew]

Since you're a scientist, right? If he was "kilometerlongdong" you'd be fine? Even if that'd be 40% less dong.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by terpkristin

I finally joined a dating site. Met up with one guy (he seemed interesting when we chatted but not in RL). Talking a lot to a different guy now. Going to try to go out with him next weekend (he lives near my parents, it's always a bad drive during traffic times). Always weary of finding a murderer or something...is that just a girl thing to be worried about?

Also tired of users like "milelongdong."

/tk

Not at all. When I was single and tried online sites, I was always a bit cautious and slightly worried that she would be a psychopath.

[Young Drachma]

"You Should Just Date A Cupcake"

dating advice for the rest of you.

[lighthousekeeper]

Anyone else here using Compramatics?

Not getting much of a response, but it might be due to my views on unmarried couples going on unchaparoned trips.

[21C]

Formerly married for 26 years - and now 5 years on my own. Currently sitting in a Rome hotel room scanning all/most of the dating apps. Simultaneously intrigued and terrified.

The worst thing is that some are using my current location (Rome) but some are still looking at my home location (Australia) which I can't seem to change.

I am finally comfortable being on my own but part of me still wants to find a partner.