The Shitty Habits of a Middle Aged Man

[Subby]

Like a lot of middle aged men, I don't have any terrible habits (like secretive snorting of liquid cocaine or addiction to estonian strip clubs), but I have a ton of minor habits that make me unproductive, unhealthy, and most likely repulsive to the large majority of people I run across (think of the guy in the commercial who hires three teenage girls to follow him around for behavior modification purposes (oooh. that's...gross). I'm that guy.

I cannot do anything in moderation. Anything. A-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. My self-discipline is awful. Always has been, always will be. If I buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's and bring it home, it will be gone in my tummy in under 2 hours.

"But why don't you dish it out into a ramekin and make it last three days?"

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck you.

I am a disgusting, over-eating, over-sleeping slob with zero discipline and only a little more self-control.

"But you ran a marathon in this past March! That takes DEDICATION."

It was a bet. I won money as a result. I was incentivized. Barely. That's the problem. Lack of discipline makes it hard for me to follow through on much of anything. I am terrible at planning and organization and am master of when-the-spirit-moves-me. Yes, I am a nightmare spouse.

Anyway. Over the next 30 days I am going to identify one poor habit per day that is costing me personally - whether it be financial, professional, social or health. So day one, I will list an item and quit it cold turkey. Or I will list an item and start doing it hot turkey. Then day 2 I will add a new item AND list the item from the previous day, and so on. At the end of 30 days I will have a list of shit habits that I want to eliminate.

At the end of thirty days I will be left with just one vice. Katy Perry's #1 SUPERFAN.

After the first thirty days, we'll see where we are. Reassess. Maybe celebrate by doing all thirty things within the space of 5 minutes. Maybe.

Here we go.

"Because when you have no willpower and no self control and no discipline, a checklist will solve all of your problems!" - other people, to me.

[Subby]

DAY ONE

I work in an office that provides ice cold coke zero and ice cold dr pepper. ALL I CAN FUCKING DRINK WHENEVER I WANT. This is the best job in the world. Unfortunately, I eschew things like water and peeing normally when I partake both at work and at home. So we're kicking that habit. I had my last one last night at poker night, and it was shitty diet coke with lime. So at least I don't have fond memories.

1. No soda.

[britrock88]

Consider betting on yourself. If you slip up on one of the habits you're trying to break, put some money or time toward something you would rather not do -- maybe some kind of drudgery that would curry favor with your spouse.

[Radii]

Awesome idea, as a fellow disgusting, over-eating, over-sleeping slob with zero discipline I'll be following closely.

[BYU 14]

This should be fun to follow. I am good in most areas, but portion control is my big downfall.........When you get to that one maybe we can make a friendly bet

[JonInMiddleGA]

I'm not quite grasping the long term notion of intentionally making yourself miserable but hey, if it works for you, then good luck by all means.

[Subby]

DAY TWO

I made it through yesterday with no soda and it was definitely missed. As a result I drank one billion times times the water I normally drink plus 16oz. I also had basil lemonade from a local killer food truck (better than it sounds) and a regular frozen strawberry lemonade from, of all places, Taco Bell (ESTA MUY FUCKING AWESOMO). Not the earth-shaking, demon-slaying success that I usually aim for with my all or nothing challenges, but hey...incrementalism. Pretty sure Winston Chuchill said that incrementalism and a set of manboobs are the first steps toward peace in our time.

So now to turn my attention to scourge #2. Starbucks. After a quick check with our household CFO (aka wife), it looks like we spend close to $2,000 per year at Starbucks. Yes, you read that correctly. How in god's name is that even possible?

I really love COFFEE. I mean, drink 40-50 ounces a day love it. Love it so much that I have a coffee roaster and mack-daddy bean grinder and have been known to buy raw green coffee beans and grind them and roast them myself. When you see me posting stupid shit to FOFC, I am usually 40 ounces deep into my caffeine habit. In reality, I don't really roast beans all that often, but it is very easy for me to buy good dark roast beans, boil some water, grind the beans, throw them in my french press, and pour some hot water over them. AND ENJOY RIDICULOUSLY GOOD COFFEE FOR ABOUT TWENTY-FIVE CENTS. Way better than Starbucks.

Which brings me back to what the fuck is wrong with me. For god sakes, we even have a FREE Keurig K-CUP abomination in our office that I could just hit up in the afternoon. After all, when you are drinking coffee in the afternoon, its really more about a crippling dependence on caffeine than it is your refined coffee pallet.

But, hey - let's go to Starbucks and order a 20 oz. Venti Bold Red-Eye for $2.75. OH AND I AM HUNGRY CINAMMON SCONE TOO. NOM. NOM. NOM.

Oh breakfast? No time for breakfast at home! Microwave Starbucks sausage egg and cheese and 20 oz. red eye for $6.00.

Oh after church? Whole family gets 3000 calories worth of mid-grade shit for $14.75.

On and on and on. Stupid. This is low hanging fruit. Drink coffee at home or drink the free shit at work and save the $30-$40 per week. Going to Starbucks is LAZY. I have a house with a nice, heavily-windowed room that I can sit in and drink coffee.

Anyway.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM OUR READERS

"Consider betting on yourself. If you slip up on one of the habits you're trying to break, put some money or time toward something you would rather not do -- maybe some kind of drudgery that would curry favor with your spouse." - britrock88

That would require discipline, which I have shown I do not have. The only time the bet thing works is if it involves going head to head with another person or persons and the data is objectively verifiable. For example, I had a bet with two folks in my office that we had to each run 140 miles back in February. You had to use the running app RunKeeper on your runs so that your runs could be verified. If you did not complete the challenge, you coughed up $80 to each of the other two competitors. I aced that.

"I'm not quite grasping the long term notion of intentionally making yourself miserable but hey, if it works for you, then good luck by all means." - JonInMiddleGA

Great observation. I could spend hours spouting off on the meaning of life, happiness, delayed v. instant gratification, etc.. When it comes down to it, though, when I look in the mirror, I don't really like what I see - on several levels. Is the happiness that these bad habits bring me in the short term worth it in the long run? Forty-one years of data says no, at least in my case. So I have to at least make a go of tightening up, plugging my leaks, walking the walk, and whatever other catchy term exists for self-improvement. After thirty days I could very well come back and say, fuck it, Jon is right. It isn't about plugging the leaks. It's about _____. What is "it" and what is "it" about?

[Kodos]

Interesting thread. I am also lazy and overeat, but getting too much sleep is definitely not my problem. I get way too little sleep.

Will be following along and rooting for you.

[britrock88]

Originally Posted by Subby

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM OUR READERS

This is an enjoyable feature.

[cuervo72]

Originally Posted by Subby

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.

31. No bottled water.

[sterlingice]

This is already a great read. This has the potential to be an AWESOME read.

SI

[korme]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

I'm not quite grasping the long term notion of intentionally making yourself miserable but hey, if it works for you, then good luck by all means.

Got to love Jon and his IDGAF attitude

[Critch]

I'm not sure I do 30 things, never mind 30 things I want to give up. But good luck anyway.

I bet tomorrow is masturbation.

[cuervo72]

Originally Posted by Critch

I'm not sure I do 30 things, never mind 30 things I want to give up. But good luck anyway.

1. Watch soccer on Monday.
2. Watch soccer on Tuesday.
3. Watch soccer on Wednesday.
4. Watch soccer on Thursday..
.
.
.

I bet tomorrow is masturbation.

I sure hope he doesn't look at himself in the mirror for that.

[Ksyrup]

Great thread. We're the same age so I definitely relate.

I don't oversleep - I get 4-5 hours a night, tops - but I over-eat like a bitch. Or a fat bitch, anyway. I'm 35-40 pounds from where I want to be, and I yo-yo every couple of years. I'm either totally with the program, or diving into a swimming pool of pizza, fried food, and ice cream. And I've managed to accomplish all this without drinking. I'd be a candidate for Biggest Loser if I actually liked alcohol. And then there's the rest of my failings as a human that you can't see spilling out over my shorts. So... yeah, I suck, too.

Anyway, on that positive note, good luck with this.

[Subby]

DAY THREE

So Starbucks called me last night, sobbing, wondering what they did to make me quit them. It was awkward and creepy and touching all at the same time. I told them it wasn't them, it was me. Then we had break up sex on a bed of iced lemon pound cake, floating on a sea of caramel macchiatto, listening to Various Artists - Let It Snow (now available at the front register for $17.95).

Or maybe that was just some weird withdrawal vision I had at around 9pm because for the first time in a while, I didn't piss away $6 on substandard baked goods and criminally overpriced coffee. Seriously, what a fucking dope I am. How much money have I pissed away in my life on that company? From the time they started putting stores in DC in 1994 to today, I would hazard an ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING guess of twenty thousand dollars. Fuck me. If I had invested all that money in the company instead of being some overfed, lobotomized lab sloth, I would have enough money to pay someone to come and punch me in the balls for being such an idiot. What?

Anyway, what's done is done. Moving on.

Time for item number 3 in bad habit land. Convenience stores.

Who doesn't love 7-11? Or the Exxon express store? Or WaWa? Or the convenience store right in the lobby of my building that provides ice cold drinks, candy bars, pop tarts, caramel wafers, chex mix, ice cream and everything else that I can eat like a MNDLESS NOM NOM BOT. BIDI BIDI NOM NOM GLORP.

For people like me, people with no planning or organizational skill (or at the very least, desire or motivation or will power to plan and be organized), convenience stores are a fucking HONEYPOT. Mid-day blahs? Run down to the convenience store and grab a Fifth Avenue bar! Gassing up? Don't forget the Hagen-Dazs ice cream bar! Great job swimming kids, let's reward you with slurpees AND I WILL REWARD MYSELF WITH SOME OREO CAKESTERS. MMM YUM CAKESTER CRUSHER LIKE!!!1

Look, if I was running in to grab a banana and a water it would be one thing. Sure, I would basically be placing my $3 on the counter and setting it on fire (since I could get the same from the grocery store for seventy-five cents), but at least I would be making a sensible choice. Since I am not capable of acting like a rational adult, I just need to stay the fuck out of those places. My kids will be pissed, because to a kid, a convenience store is a borderline religious experience (OHMYGOD LOOK AT ALL THAT CANDY), but the $100/month and tens of thousands of calories we'll save will be worth it.

Straight Talk Time. Another issue which is massively embarrassing, is that I don't always just buy one little thing. Oh no. A couple days ago, before I left home from work, I got two candy bars and some pop tarts for the ride home. Not the first time. I've done all kinds of disgusting shit like that too, like getting two ice cream bars, or a pack of cakesters and a caramel waffle AND...well you get the idea. GLUTTONBOT 5000. Obviously, overeating like that is a pretty serious issue and is probably symptomatic of something else, but hopefully knocking this shit off the list one at a time will help.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"Interesting thread. I am also lazy and overeat, but getting too much sleep is definitely not my problem. I get way too little sleep." - Kodos

My issue with sleep is that I refuse to go to bed, because I am a spoiled fucking child. So not only do I sleep in, but I do it so I can get a robust six hours of sleep per night. No wonder I am going to die young.

"Got to love Jon and his IDGAF attitude : - Shorty

I don't think I have ever written this anywhere, but I genuinely like Jon. I think one of the biggest reasons is that he reminds me of my step dad, a man that passed away a few years ago from lung cancer and someone whom I loved very much. He loved his family, and treated his step kids as his own. Above all else, he was all about his family (nuclear and extended). Other families? Not so much. Much like Jon, my stepfather (who was a cop) was very black and white on issues and was extremely conservative. I remember how pissed I was the time he told me back in '92 that if Clinton was on fire he wouldn't cross the street to piss on him. That was him in a nutshell. He just did not give a fuck what anyone thought about him - he was who he was and if you didn't like it, you could kiss his ass. I admire that trait in people, probably because I don't have it. I try to be like that and then spend days on end wracked with guilt for being that way. So while it probably isn't a mutual admiration society, I admire Jon for who he is and his unapologetic sense of himself.

"I bet tomorrow is masturbation." - Critch

Someone once told me that their Urologist told THEM that one of the ways to stave off prostate trouble is to have lots of sex. So for health reasons I will probably continue to masturbate. IT'S SCIENCE.

"I'm 35-40 pounds from where I want to be, and I yo-yo every couple of years. I'm either totally with the program, or diving into a swimming pool of pizza, fried food, and ice cream." - Ksyrup

I think there is an army of us on this board that could have written that biography. I have rambled enough already today, but I wish I could understand why. Maybe the answer is too complicated for us to comprehend. Or maybe it's too simple to see. Maybe it is as simple as peeling back the layers of your life, one by one.

Maybe I should stop writing today because I am starting to sound like a mewling, philosophical bitch.

[sterlingice]

Sadly, this has become a reason to not just check OT for me when I check FOFC the last couple of days. It's a great read and I have to hide in the corner of my office so people don't come ask me why my usually reserved self is laughing hysterically. That would just open up all sorts of awkward questions.

SI

[Young Drachma]

[BYU 14]

This is pure gold.

Are you getting support from the family in this or are they trying to test/tempt you right now?

Also are you any any type of exercise regimen (which is all that keeps me at a reasonable weight) or is that down the road?

[spleen1015]

Subby, I hate your guts, but this is a good thread.

[britrock88]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

Sadly, this has become a reason to not just check OT for me when I check FOFC the last couple of days. It's a great read and I have to hide in the corner of my office so people don't come ask me why my usually reserved self is laughing hysterically. That would just open up all sorts of awkward questions.

SI

Day 32: Subby's habit-kicking thread.

[britrock88]

BTW, am I the only one who confuses "You're the Inspiration" with "Just You 'n' Me"? (Considering "Just You 'n' Me" has that lyric, "You are my inspiration"...)

[Subby]

DAY FOUR

Oh the weekend. You are a fucking whore. Even less structure than the week and the days just seem longer. MORE CHANCES TO STUFF FOOD IN MY CAKESTER CRUSHER. Usually I am tooling around, living the suburban dream, banging overwrought, bored housewives and freebasing leftover percocet.

Mostly.

Today was almost like that, in that I had a thee hour swim meet this morning for three of my kids, then had to hustle my teenager over to his double header baseball game for the afternoon. So, minus the forbidden sex and abuse of prescription medication, it was pretty standard. The problem I started to have today, was the mild panic attacks when I forgot my mental checklist (SHIT! DID I GIVE UP M&M TRAIL MIX YET?) That should be fun when I ostensibly have TEN TIMES MORE items on the list when this is all said and done. During week four, look for easy to remember bad habits like 28) Don't set hair on fire and 30) Stop getting face tattoos.

It was kind of fun though, staying out of Starbucks, drinking iced tea instead of soda, and making a run between games to the grocery store instead of a convenience store. I definitely ate a little less shit today, and my rampant heart palpitations and headaches (which probably means I have a brain tumor so advanced it has its own match.com profile) seemed better than they have been in the past few months.

But really, those were child's play. Why? Because it is EASY to substitute for them. Hell, I proved it today. So it's now time to put something on the list that is going to be BRUTALLY HARD.

Ice cream. Here's why.

Last night, no joke, I had a massive bowl of vanilla ice cream with butterscotch caramel sauce and nuts. At 10p. On the couch, watching the Nats game. Energized with a massive rush of calories, I immediately fell into a deep, dairy mucus infused, Godzilla snoring sleep. Alone (as if that wasn't obvious).

Friday nights at my house ARE OFF THE FUCKING HOOK. It's hard to believe I don't contract more sexually transmitted diseases and/or misdemeanor arrests. Totally living on the edge. But that wasn't even the best part. Oh no. I woke up at 12:30a and thought...hey...I HAVEN'T YET TRIED THE PEANUT BUTTER ICE CREAM. I WILL PREPARE MYSELF A LARGE BOWL AND COMPARE! NOM NOM SLURP GLORP. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Idiot.

So ice cream is out. I can't control myself, sadly. If we go out as a family to Ben & Jerry's, I have to get the small size. At home, I can only eat it on the birthday of a nuclear family member. Don't cry for me - I'm not depriving myself. I have literally had 1,000 gallons of it in my lifetime. For fuck's sake...I am 41 years-old and I still cannot buy a pint of ice cream and NOT eat the entire thing in under 10 minutes.

Seriously, I have a major love handle/bellyfat issue. I am not obese, but I do weigh over 200 pounds and my fat is slopping over my belt. You know when you are getting chubby enough that the top of the waist of your khakis folds over? Yeah. Not a good look. Plus, that shit will kill you. Also not a good look.

1. No soda. .
2. No Starbucks. .
3. No Convenience Stores. .
4. No ice cream

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"Subby, I hate your guts, but this is a good thread." - spleen1015

Thanks! Sorry I'm such a prick on the Internet. Not sure why.

Wait..what, Honey? Oh my lovely wife says "not just the Internet". Ok then! 25) Stop being a prick.

"Are you getting support from the family in this or are they trying to test/tempt you right now?" - BYU14

These are all positive changes, so my wife is pretty happy. Like I said, she's the CFO, so the more money I save, the more money she can spend at The Container Store on stuff we...ahem...need.

"Also are you any any type of exercise regimen (which is all that keeps me at a reasonable weight) or is that down the road?" BYU14

I run sporadically and I bike to work sporadically. I want to do regimens, but I just can't follow through. Currently I have a bet with some office mates that we each have to run 175 miles before September 1st. Predictably, I was way behind at the beginning of the past week and overdid it and run 21 miles over 3 of the last 4 days. Not exercising is pretty bad, but losing money to my richer office mates is MUCH MUCH WORSE.

This is going to come up down the road, but at my age, I have to do cardo every day. Just have to...so whether that is bike to and from work (1100 calories) or run 5 miles (750 calories) or masturbate for 4 hours (55 calories), I am going to get that going here. Soon. I ran 10 miles today, puked, passed out, and saw God, so I might need to work back up to that distance.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Subby

Wait..what, Honey? Oh my lovely wife says "not just the Internet". Ok then! 25) Stop being a prick.

Don't make promises you can't keep

so the more money I save, the more money she can spend at The Container Store on stuff we...ahem...need.

Wait, what? How the hell is The Container Store a destination? It's where you go to get weird little plastic boxes to store crap you, ahem, need. You don't just go to the container store to impulse buy, right?

so whether that is bike to and from work (1100 calories) or run 5 miles (750 calories) or masturbate for 4 hours (55 calories), I am going to get that going here.

That would make for an interesting triathlon.

SI

[Subby]

DAY FIVE

So this is actually day six, but I am going to make a slight, real life adjustment. Since the weekend is usually kind of a blur, for the purposes of this challenge it probably works best to just treat it as one day. One long, unstructured, undisciplined day.

I have now been off ice cream for 36 hours. In the summertime. That, in and of itself, is a MASSIVE accomplishment. Particularly for a person that is perfectly willing to roll off the couch after midnight and fix himself a big ol' bowl of ice cream. And then go back to sleep. Seriously it is amazing sometimes that I am still alive. You know how you watch documentaries with drug users who are smoking crack or shooting heroin and you wonder how they could still be alive? I am pretty certain there is a documentary of me on Sundance Channel polishing off a pint of Chubby Hubby (HAHAHA IRONY) at one in the morning. The viewer is watching, slightly averting his eyes, talking to the screen, "OH MAN! THAT BE GROSS, DAWG. WHY YOU GOTTA EAT THE WHOLE THING? COME ON MAN!"

Anyway, four had habits down for now. ON TO THE FIFTH!

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream.
5. No eating after 8pm.

SUBBY THAT IS TOTALLY UNREASONABLE! WHAT IF YOU ARE HUNGRY? FEED THE MACHINE!

Look, I am not going to die of starvation if I stop eating after 8pm at night. People go on seven day food-free vision quests where they arm wrestle Jesus and drink urine in a sweat lodge and then return to their white collar jobs and are FINE. I could stand to be a little hungry once in a while. In fact, I don't know that it is even good for you to give your body food the moment it wants it. I'm not talking about going crazy or anything, but is it that bad to have a meal at 630pm and then maybe a piece of fruit at 8pm and then try not to stay up until midnight? Go to bed a little hungry and wake up to a KICK ASS BREAKFAST. Or go to bed stuffed and have weird dreams about robbing a liquor store with your best friend from unicorn clown college.

I have many times just stood in my kitchen late at night eating bowls of cereal or ice cream (NATCH) or almonds or chips or sweets or whatever I could shove in my hole. WHY? I am not going to die if I don't eat something. I could just go to bed and sleep for 7-8 hours, unencumbered by a batshit insane metabolism that I have just stoked. But no. Gotta get to 5000 calories for the day in case the US Olympic Committee ever calls and I have to start training!

Anyway, it's just dumb. I realize that are going to be times here and there where dinner is running late or something and I might eat at 815, but for 99% of other occasions, I am not going to eat after 8pm. Maybe I'll sleep better and actually benefit from the 500-750 calories that get burned while you sleep. In other words, wake up as less of a fat ass.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"Wait, what? How the hell is The Container Store a destination? It's where you go to get weird little plastic boxes to store crap you, ahem, need. You don't just go to the container store to impulse buy, right?" - sterlingice

I have a theory that the absolute explosion of home and garden television programming has really warped our sense of home. We see these absolutely pristine, sute, super-organized houses and spaces on television and then we look around at our own untidy, less organized homes and start feeling guilty or stressed or both. We already buy too much shit. Now we have to do something with it? Well, there's a store for that!

[DaddyTorgo]

Technically they say you shouldn't eat within like 3-4 hours of bed. Nothing about 8pm (depending on when you go to sleep).

Just FYI from a reformed-fatty.

[Young Drachma]

I sense a book deal coming out of this. Ok ok, a book title.

[Chief Rum]

I am thinking of starting an anti-Subby-habit dynasty, where I start to do all the things he stops doing, one day at a time, for 30 days.

[Grover]

This is fucking brilliant.

There are so many classic quotations in Subby's posts.

I love this thread.

[DaddyTorgo]

Question: Do you have the 30 things identified? Or are you deciding on them as you go along?

[Cap Ologist]

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

I am thinking of starting an anti-Subby-habit dynasty, where I start to do all the things he stops doing, one day at a time, for 30 days.

That is fucking brilliant.

[Subby]

DAY SIX

So I am working late yesterday evening and I look at the clock on my PC and it is 7:51 pm. MOTHERFUCKER. I CANNOT, on my first day of declaring no eating after 8:00 pm, eat after 8:00 pm. It's okay I tell myself, I have nine minutes to get something to eat. I'll just run to down to the convenience store next to our bui....

FUCK

No worries just run to the end of the block and get a sandwich at Starbuc....

FUCKITY FUCK

Ok CVS has a decent selection of conveniently packaged foo...

FFFFFFFF UUUUUUUUUUUUU

Oh right, Potbelly across the street, get in the elevator, run across the street, wait for DOO RAG VON DOUCHEBAG to take my order, make my sandwich, fuck up my sandwich, incorrectly make change, etc..

NO TIME FOR POTBELLY.

Now I enter some weird time warp of rage and indecision. Thankfully I was alone in our office because I was probably drooling and making small barnyard animal noises. When I regain consciousness it is 8:03pm. I had not eaten anything since my big ass salad from 2pm. Oh sure, I had a few chocolates from my co-workers candy jar at 5pm, BUT THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

Now I start freaking out. What happens if I don't eat? Is my blood sugar going to bottom out as I drive my SUV over the Key Bridge guardrail into the Potomac? Am I going to be able to take my pants off if I have to wrestle a bear? Wait - what? Am I hallucinating? WHY IS MY FACE TWITCHING????!@#!!

Get a hold of yourself, fat boy. You have plenty of food stored up. NO ONE IS DYING TONIGHT. I calmly get up from my desk, walk out the front door of my building and down the street to the garage where my car is parked. A homeless man accosts me.

"Hey can you spare some? I GOTTA EAT!"

This sets me off. He's hungry? Really? I WILL SHIV A HOBO IN HIS DICK.

I think I hallucinated saying that because next thing I know I am pulling into my driveway. I go inside, pour myself a big glass of sweet tea, and chug. Instantly feeling better, instantly feeling human again, I think...I can do this. And I do. I stay up late watching the Nats, go to bed, and SLUMBER. It was awesome. I woke up with sheet lines all over my face. It was that good.

Maybe I'm on to something here.

So now on to something which is going to be probably impossible to change.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream.
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late.

I go to dance clubs and strip joints and raves all of the time. I am usually out until 2am and either fall asleep on the couch or stumble up to bed around 4am and wake up my poor wife. Sure I don't get a lot of sleep, but at least I am living my life to the fullest, out there being young, having fun, being social. PARTYING.

What? What was that you say? Oh right. I don't do any of that fun shit. I stay up late on the internet or watching tv or watching a movie which I have probably already seen. By myself. Because late night is DADDY TIME! It's me time! Never mind the fact that I wake up AFTER my kids (which is fucking horrible parenting). Never mind that if you go to bed at 2am and wake up your wife in the process, SHE WILL NEVER EVER SEX YOU (fact).

I mean really. I am smarter than this. It is bad for you to continually shortchange yourself in the sleep department. I could understand if I was out fighting fires or banging supermodels or doing something else useful or awesome, but the most interesting thing I do is play Scramble with Friends (which is ironic because random opponents ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS).

Sleeping less also leads to carb addiction, which is better than crack addiciton but probably not as exciting in the long run.

Anyway, from here on out, I will be in bed by 10pm on week nights and 11pm on Friday and Saturday nights. If I'm not, I had better have a damn good reason. And no, "OOOOH! The Matrix: Reloaded is on Spike!!!!" is not a good reason.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"Technically they say you shouldn't eat within like 3-4 hours of bed. Nothing about 8pm (depending on when you go to sleep)." - DT

Those are probably scientists and dieticians and other people with self respect and dignity who can stop eating after they have had the amount of nutrition they need. Not me. I need a hard stop.

"I sense a book deal coming out of this. Ok ok, a book title." - Dark Cloud

Heh. I thought a lot about that idea last Friday. It seemed like the best idea in a while. I could start a blog and back date these posts and then parlay the posts into a book. So I started thinking about domains and web space and copyrights and intellectual property and the pressure of writing and then I got sleepy and took a nap. I feel much better now. What were we talking about?

"I am thinking of starting an anti-Subby-habit dynasty, where I start to do all the things he stops doing, one day at a time, for 30 days." - Chief Rum

I would love to see a dynasty where a person tried to pick up a bad habit every day for thirty days. 4) EAT CONTAINER OF CAKE ICING 5) AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION WITH FILIPINO HOOKER MAID SERVICE CREW. There would be over/under betting on which day that person died. It would be way better than this shitty dynasty.

"Question: Do you have the 30 things identified? Or are you deciding on them as you go along?" - DT

No. That would require organization and planning. I am just manicuring King Kong's pubes right now. Machete out, hacking and slashing wherever I see unsightly growth.

[sterlingice]

If Behind the Music is any guide, Subby will peak in another few days with great progress. Then he won't post for a few days before a picture surfaces with him in front of a convenience store toilet, clock striking midnight with a giant spoon in one hand and an empty half gallon of ice cream in the other. Then he'll see the error of his ways and we'll have a redemption story. Finally, he'll finish up this dynasty, which will not be as popular as before and "fans" will all talk about how he sold out and how he sucks ever since gettting out of Ben and Jerry's rehab.

SI

[Autumn]

I'm loving this. I think a Bizarro thread of someone starting bad habits would be great. Let's take nominations for who it should be.

[Grover]

Originally Posted by Autumn

I'm loving this. I think a Bizarro thread of someone starting bad habits would be great. Let's take nominations for who it should be.

Day 28: Try heroin

[korme]

Trying heroin should definitely be Day 1. It will make the entire month that much more interesting/self-destructive

[Izulde]

The hilarity of this is totes awesome. Between this and DT's thread, we may see a new Golden Age of RL dynasties.

[BYU 14]

Please sell the rights to this thread to Steve Harvey!

[Swaggs]

Originally Posted by Subby

I woke up with sheet lines all over my face. It was that good.

This made me laugh out loud for some reason.

Great thread. Briefly thought about it tonight when I got home at 9:00 PM and proceeded to consume about a 1000 calories in 45 seconds. Keep up the good work.

[Subby]

DAY SEVEN

I get home last night from my kids' dive meet and turn on the Nats game at 830pm. Most adults would do a few chores around the house or spend 10 minutes fixing the door frame to their bed room that has been broken for eight years, but fuck it. THAT SHIT WILL STILL BE BROKEN TOMORROW. God forbid I miss any second of the one hundred and sixty-two baseball games that will be played by my favorite team this year.

"Lazy, selfish fucking asshole is no way to go through life, son. Get your shit together and stop being a half man." - God, probably.

So anyway, It's the bottom of the 7th, Nats up 1-0. Game has been absolutely flying. They are up 2-0 and it's 9:30 and I am thinking - awesome - I will be able to be in bed by 10:00pm, no problem. Then creepy tongued Tyler Clippard gives up a fucking three run dong to the Mets and they go up 3-2 going into the bottom of the 9th. The Nats tie it at 3-3 and have the winning run at third but can't close the deal. FUCKING TYLER CLIPPARD

Then my 13 year-old emerges from the basement and look - I can't just miss out on this father son brotastic bonding moment. So we watch the rest of the game together, high five, arm wrestle (I lose - again) and finally I make my way up to bed at 10:35.

FAIL. Kind of....in the past I would have immediately switched to Taxicab Confessions (I NEED TO DO RESEARCH!) on demand and stayed up until midnight. The payoff came this morning when I actually got up at a reasonable time (550a) and had enough energy to ride my bike into work instead of drive. Biking to work good. Driving to work bad. I am usually less of an insufferable cocksucker when I bike to work - a fact which would probably make a killer tag line for TREK.

So, on to #7.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream.
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late.
7. No cookies.

Here is what is alternately great and horrifying about my relationship with cookies. I am their fucking bitch. If you present a package of Golden Oreos to me, I will eat that package, five at a time, over a period of three hours. I will then feel nauseous, pass out in a calorie enraged slumber, wake up and then do it again (smack addicts have NOTHING on me). If I buy my lunch at work (another issue) I will invariably grab a cookie at the register and add it to my order. I HAVE TO REWARD MYSELF WITH A COOKIE. I DESERVE IT. IT IS HARD TO BE THIS SOFT.

Yesterday I bought a completely reasonable salad - spinach, red onions, mushrooms, cucumbers, croutons, shaved parm, walnuts, cranberries, balsamic dressing. Not a low calorie anorexia special by any means, but at the very least a HALF MAN SALAD. It will fill me up for hours. But that's not enough. Dumbass me has to grab a FUCKING ENORMOUS black and white cookie to top it off, likely adding another 500 calories to my lunch. Good call!

So from now on, the only cookie I will eat will be ones my wife makes. She makes fucking killer chocolate chip cookies and only does it every few months. And even then, I can only have two (NOT TEN).

No cookies and no ice cream and no convenience stores also now make it COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE to buy and snarf down those Toll House ice cream cookie sandwiches which are likely eight billion calories. Those are the best things ever. EVER.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"If Behind the Music is any guide, Subby will peak in another few days with great progress. Then he won't post for a few days before a picture surfaces with him in front of a convenience store toilet, clock striking midnight with a giant spoon in one hand and an empty half gallon of ice cream in the other. Then he'll see the error of his ways and we'll have a redemption story. Finally, he'll finish up this dynasty, which will not be as popular as before and "fans" will all talk about how he sold out and how he sucks ever since getting out of Ben and Jerry's rehab." - SI

In a very amusing way, you have basically summed up my lifelong efforts at personal improvement. I don't know whether to laugh or set myself on fire.

"Great thread. Briefly thought about it tonight when I got home at 9:00 PM and proceeded to consume about a 1000 calories in 45 seconds. Keep up the good work." - Swaggs

Been there, brother. So. Many. Times.

[Marmel]

I love this thread!

I was starving last night at 8:45 pm. This is normally when I would make a PB&J, or run out to Dunkin for a donut, or whatever. But last night, I thought of you. And then an amazing thing happened. I drank a big glass of ice water and felt better. The hunger pangs came back at 11pm. Again, this is usually when I eat that 2nd donut I bought and then surf the net till 12:45 am. Again, I thought of you and realized nobody is dying tonight. I drank more water and went to bed. WTF???

[hoopsguy]

I'll be intrigued to see how many of these habits I can break at one time once the final list is published.

For example, I just had a Coke and two cookies at 9:30 AM this morning. If I was to do the same at 9:30 tonight I would be breaking 3 "Subby rules" at a time with an activity that would normally not elicit more than a, "hmm, this probably isn't my best idea" thought.

Clearly someone could one-up this by going to a convenience store at midnight to pick up the cookies/Coke ... this could become fun with 20+ rules.

[Autumn]

Yes, Hoops, good plan . We award points for how many rules you break with one action.

or we could all rate ourselves on a Chubby scale. Each day, when he's done, we could count how many of these things we did, and see who has the worst (or best) day.

[Chief Rum]

It's funny, actually, that you should be doing this now, from my own perspective. Just yesterday I made a decision to be hard on my time, less wasted time, more productive, both at work and outside of work, because I really feel I need to add a lot more discipline to my lifestyle.

It's not exactly the same sort of thing you're doing (for instance, I will probably continue to do things like drink soda, eat badly and post on Internet forums while at work; my goal will be moderation, not elimination), but there are definite cross-ideologies in play.

[Chief Rum]

I did four of Subby's seven yesterday. You could say it was five because I had an Oreo Ice Cream sandwich which is kinda like a cookie with ice cream in it. But I already count the Oreo Ice Cream sandwich under Ice Cream.

Also, technically, while I was up late (from midnight to 3 a.m.), I also napped from 9:30 p.m. to midnight, so, it's a justified, "up late".

So, yeah, 4 out of 7 yesterday.

[britrock88]

No soda, Starbucks, convenience stores, or cookies for me since Subby started the thread.

Subby, five Oreos at a time? Is that the serving size? I normally go three at a time (because the packages have three rows, I know there won't be any straggling Oreos). By the way, does anyone else out there eat snacks in specific quantities, or is that just a little OCD poking through in me?

Finally, Marmel, I'm proud of you. Water is the stuff of the earth.

[DavidCorperial]

Oh absolutely britrock, I generally do 2 cookies on each trip, the problem comes when you have to eat said cookies and other food in an even number of bites, usually 6 for me.

[Ksyrup]

The staying up late thing is definitely me. I'm not going to try to fight it, though, because my body only allows me to sleep about 5 or 6 hours, tops, a night. If I tried going to bed at 10pm, I'd be up at 3:30 or something. So I just stay up until midnight or 1 am, then my internal alarm clock only wakes me around 5:30 and my alarm is set for 6, so I'm good.

[Critch]

I did all seven of the Subby Vices yesterday and today I feel like shit, so let that be a lesson.

[Grover]

I love you, Subby.