New Chapter in my Life Starting

[Galaril]

So, have seen a few of these threads over the years and never thought I would be going through it especially at 45. But my wife of 11 years and I have agreed to separate with her moving out on her own. We had briefly tried counseling and even our church for some support to get us back on track but to little to late I am afraid. My wife and I sat down the other day and agreed we never would be happy like we were years ago. We have agreed not to fight over things and my wife has been primarily the at home wife with me making 90% of the household income,. She does have a part time job as a group fitness instructor but is looking to see what she can do to supplement that. We are going to get a support agreement drawn up prior to going to a lawyer and we have agreed to joint custody of our two kids one 6 and the other 11. That being said they will reside with me in the house we have which my wife also has no interest in or ability to keep up the mortgage payment. I have proposed a set spousal maintence amount either lump sum one time or monthly over 2 or 3 years. I am also going to give with the monthly a proportion of the saving s we have which isn't a large amount but will be enough to help her on her way to a new beginning as I do not wish her ill will or want to see her out on the street some day.
She is in the process of moving out and once that is done in the next few months I am going to be involving a lawyer to get the 90 day clock going as we have in Colorado.
It certainly will be a new start and a bit scary being "back out there at 45 again" but I have kept myself in good health and shape with a higher income job so should be fine with I decide to remarry someday or stay single. I am most concerned about my kids not comingout of this too screwed up. Fortunately I a great core group of close friends and a family though not close that is lending emotional support.
- Dan

[Edward64]

Sorry to hear. Hang in there and focus on the kids.

[Chief Rum]

Tough news, Galaril. Stay strong. Sounds like you guys are handling it right, but be prepared for the impact it will have on your kids. Good luck with everything.

[spleen1015]

Sorry man. Best of luck into the future!

[Danny]

I wish you and your kids the best.

I do have to say though, I think your wife is getting screwed in regards to who is getting what in the divorce.

[Galaril]

Originally Posted by Danny

I wish you and your kids the best.

I do have to say though, I think your wife is getting screwed in regards to who is getting what in the divorce.

Yeah yeah can't disagree. Her idea. The house is mostly mortgage with little equity and frankly she wants to be single and seems to not be interesting in the domestic lifestyle anymore. So, taking the house and kids for her is a hassle. Also, even if we took it to a judge lawyers have told me likely since she can't afford the home she wouldn't get it. She figures the best thing is I keep the house and raise the kids there which hopefully will give them some sense of normal. She is getting off having to deal with any debt (mortgage) and no child support though.

[Danny]

Originally Posted by Galaril

Yeah yeah can't disagree. Her idea. The noise is mostly mortgage little equity and frankly she wants to be single and seems to not be interesting in the domestic lifestyle anymore so taking the house and kids for her is a hassle. Also, even if we took it to a judge lawyers have told me likely since she can't afford the home she wouldn't get it. She figures the best thing is I keep the house and raise the kids there which hopefully will give them some sense of normal. Frankly, she is getting off having to deal with any debt (mortgage) and no child support though.

Ah, that's unfortunate. I hope she still maintains a strong presence in your kids lives for their sake.

[Galaril]

Originally Posted by Danny

Ah, that's unfortunate. I hope she still maintains a strong presence in your kids lives for their sake.

Yes me too. But she is at this point almost abandoning them to me which is frankly better for them and everyone around us as told us the same. I also have no problem with this. My wife is western university educated but born and raised in Korea where after divorce husbands often get everything after divorce so this I guess is a culture difference though it is starting to change in Korea these days.

[DaddyTorgo]

Sorry to hear this Galaril. Might be for the best and totally amicable and all, but still tough to hear.

[Flasch186]

Being in housing I hear a TON of stories of separation and divorce. It sucks.

[Comey]

I'm sorry Dan. I've been through what you're going through, and I offer my condolences.

[Galaril]

Thanks to all that took the time to read my post and offer words of encouragement or empathy. It is a tough pill to swallow but will fight the good fight onward.

[JPhillips]

Sorry to hear. Keep your spirits up and don't be afraid to talk. Good luck.

[Dutch]

Sorry to hear it.

[Kodos]

Really sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are handling it well, and have your kids set as your top priority. Hang in there and help your kids. But lean on FOFC as much as you need to. We have a pretty good bunch of people here.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Keep the kids at the forefront of all decisions (as it sounds like has been done).

Beyond that, no advice, just my best wishes that things get a little better every day going forward.

[SegRat]

Best wishes.

[Solecismic]

Sorry to hear this. It doesn't sound like this is what you wanted.

Kids are resilient. If both of you keep them out of any disputes or nastiness between you (and it sounds like you both want that) they'll adapt to the new life.

My 13-year marriage ended at 43. Five years later, I'm married again, and had the opportunity to take a considerable amount of time for introspection and figure out what life was about in the interim.

And, yeah, today's mid-40s dating world is a lot like being a kid in a candy store. I took my time and found someone who really understands marriage.

[Galaril]

Originally Posted by Solecismic

Sorry to hear this. It doesn't sound like this is what you wanted.

Kids are resilient. If both of you keep them out of any disputes or nastiness between you (and it sounds like you both want that) they'll adapt to the new life.

My 13-year marriage ended at 43. Five years later, I'm married again, and had the opportunity to take a considerable amount of time for introspection and figure out what life was about in the interim.

And, yeah, today's mid-40s dating world is a lot like being a kid in a candy store. I took my time and found someone who really understands marriage.

Thanks Jim this post meant alot from someone been there done that tshirt.

[Eaglesfan27]

I went through this a few years ago (sans kids) and it was very tough but I came out in a much better place and am now happily re-married. Like others have said, as long as you keep the nastiness away from the kids, they will be fine. They are incredibly resilient and as long as you don't put them in the middle of any of the problems, they will do well. However, if they start having troubles, don't be afraid to seek out some counseling for them. Best of luck to you and the kids.

[BYU 14]

So sorry Dan, went through this at 38 and now 50 and been married coming up on 8 years and minus one very rough 2 month stretch it has been amazing the 2nd time. Stay strong and know the road back to happiness is not as long as it seems now, as long as you keep taking it step by step.

Best of luck

[Galaril]

Originally Posted by Danny

I wish you and your kids the best.

I do have to say though, I think your wife is getting screwed in regards to who is getting what in the divorce.

So, someone been talking to my wife about what she should have coming to her and boy she got smart fast. Granted I had low balled her but since the kids were going to be with me 80% of he time and I am stuck with the house and mortgage it was that bad. Well insteadof my original offer of 1500 a month for 3 years she is now asking for $3000 a month 66 months ouch. Now this is pretty much what I would get going to court and losing except I might wind up out of the house and have the kids only a third of the time instead. Plus, since she is a foreign national on a green card (Korea) long term she could go and haul the kids off to Korea just to fuck me. Though don't worry about that as she knows she would be brought up on kidnapping charges likely and that would not benefit the kids for sure. So, she has told me since she has been with me tens years and taken care of the kids for me all that time while I grew my career that is what she has coming to her and deserves. Frankly, I can't argue with that much at this point. My future earning potential even at 51 when the alimony would be done is going to be higher than her by easily a $100,000 so.... I guess this is the best "deal" coming. I have countered her offer with 4 years but doubt that will fly. Anyways, kind of screwed it seems and am really feeling like the last 10 years of my life were a complete waste.

[EagleFan]

Wow, sorry to hear all that. Sorry to say but she also sounds like a heartless b*tch if that previous sentiment of the kids being a hassle is actually her sentiment.

Wish you the best.

[DaddyTorgo]

Amazing how these divorcing women seem to smarten up real fast.

[MacroGuru]

Originally Posted by Galaril

So, someone been talking to my wife about what she should have coming to her and boy she got smart fast. Granted I had low balled her but since the kids were going to be with me 80% of he time and I am stuck with the house and mortgage it was that bad. Well insteadof my original offer of 1500 a month for 3 years she is now asking for $3000 a month 66 months ouch. Now this is pretty much what I would get going to court and losing except I might wind up out of the house and have the kids only a third of the time instead. Plus, since she is a foreign national on a green card (Korea) long term she could go and haul the kids off to Korea just to fuck me. Though don't worry about that as she knows she would be brought up on kidnapping charges likely and that would not benefit the kids for sure. So, she has told me since she has been with me tens years and taken care of the kids for me all that time while I grew my career that is what she has coming to her and deserves. Frankly, I can't argue with that much at this point. My future earning potential even at 51 when the alimony would be done is going to be higher than her by easily a $100,000 so.... I guess this is the best "deal" coming. I have countered her offer with 4 years but doubt that will fly. Anyways, kind of screwed it seems and am really feeling like the last 10 years of my life were a complete waste.

Fight it, I hate to say it, but fight it unless your counsel says otherwise.

There are legal limits on the amounts of alimony and child support that can be awarded in most states...

[Lathum]

You have two great kids. Nothin about that is a waste.

[DaddyTorgo]

Yeah - don't get taken to the cleaners man. If she takes you to the cleaners once she'll just keep coming back for more. I've seen it happen to my business partner. He's a bit weak under the guise of "loving the kids" and gets railroaded by his ex. She's constantly getting him to pay for extra stuff "for the kids" outside of alimony and child support (music lessons, etc), which is what the child-support money should go for.

[Matthean]

My middle brother had a child out of wedlock and the woman was notorious for coming back and asking for more money.

[sterlingice]

I know nothing about this situation at all but from the outside looking in, this sounds like a job for your lawyer. Sounds like time for an "impartial" look at how this should happen.

SI

[B & B]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

Amazing how these divorcing women seem to smarten up real fast.

The Fucking Rake.

[Galaril]

Thansk all. For sure the settlement will be reviewed by my lawyer but unfortunately in Colorado they have a new alimony law that sets the standard at about 40% of AGI so this is sad to say still not to far off from what a court will give her. I am still going to run the full amount by my lawyer to be sure this is not pushing the limit. I am also definitely going to have this be unmodifiable. So no chnace of her getting any extra later on. Now that she has gone tis direction and made it combative she gets this money whtever it is and not another second of my consideration or a cent extra. I pretty much consider her furniture.

[Galaril]

Originally Posted by Lathum

You have two great kids. Nothin about that is a waste.

Thanks great point.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Galaril

I pretty much consider her furniture.

I hate to say this quite so depressingly but ... that seems to be a pretty normal milestone in the healing process, best I can tell. Those who don't reach it seem to fare the worst.

Carry on.

[SegRat]

Best of luck. I am in a similar situation with my divorce. Just can't wait for it to be over.

[Solecismic]

When someone insists on everything they've heard is theirs under the law, they put their opponent in a no-lose position.

Just like in poker, always call a bluff when you have nothing to lose. Worry about worst case when you have to match a raise, not otherwise.

Some lawyers aren't good at this sort of thing. Make sure you have a good lawyer. You want to avoid court, but not give the perception that you're afraid of court.

If the worry about moving to Korea is real, put a hold on the kids' passports with the State department or take them away if they already have them. Extradition is very difficult, maybe impossible, once she's left the country. Sure, you could have her arrested when she returns, but the damage will already have been done and she might not come back on her own. This should be a higher priority than the settlement right now.

[Galaril]

Originally Posted by Solecismic

When someone insists on everything they've heard is theirs under the law, they put their opponent in a no-lose position.

Just like in poker, always call a bluff when you have nothing to lose. Worry about worst case when you have to match a raise, not otherwise.

Some lawyers aren't good at this sort of thing. Make sure you have a good lawyer. You want to avoid court, but not give the perception that you're afraid of court.

If the worry about moving to Korea is real, put a hold on the kids' passports with the State department or take them away if they already have them. Extradition is very difficult, maybe impossible, once she's left the country. Sure, you could have her arrested when she returns, but the damage will already have been done and she might not come back on her own. This should be a higher priority than the settlement right now.

Thanks. We are going to use a mediator to try to wrap some of this up and get it over with. Yes, I have put a hold on there passports with state department . I got them in the house as well as birth certs so covered those bases.

[Solecismic]

The temptation with mediation is to give things away to keep the peace. If both parties are willing, that can work nicely. But if only one person wants to give on issues, keeping the peace gets very expensive.

From what you've written, I think mediation won't be effective. Definitely go, and listen to what she has to say, but as long as she's talking about what's hers according to new laws and she seems to think that's appropriate, agreeing to anything could be a costly mistake.

What I offered in mediation was a lot better for my ex than what my lawyer negotiated with her lawyer. I thought being generous would buy me some understanding. It didn't. Fortunately, she got bad advice from her friends and didn't accept my offer.

Let the lawyers work this out. Make sure you get a good one who believes in keeping things out of court (the court stuff is what really can hurt the kids, because it drags things out and the lawyers wind up with so much more of your money) and make sure she has every opportunity to find one she likes.

Oh, and find a good hiding place for the certs and the passports. Not that there's a huge risk, but if she decides she wants to pull an Irsay, there needs to be one big stumbling block.

[Galaril]

Originally Posted by Solecismic

The temptation with mediation is to give things away to keep the peace. If both parties are willing, that can work nicely. But if only one person wants to give on issues, keeping the peace gets very expensive.

From what you've written, I think mediation won't be effective. Definitely go, and listen to what she has to say, but as long as she's talking about what's hers according to new laws and she seems to think that's appropriate, agreeing to anything could be a costly mistake.

What I offered in mediation was a lot better for my ex than what my lawyer negotiated with her lawyer. I thought being generous would buy me some understanding. It didn't. Fortunately, she got bad advice from her friends and didn't accept my offer.

Let the lawyers work this out. Make sure you get a good one who believes in keeping things out of court (the court stuff is what really can hurt the kids, because it drags things out and the lawyers wind up with so much more of your money) and make sure she has every opportunity to find one she likes.

Oh, and find a good hiding place for the certs and the passports. Not that there's a huge risk, but if she decides she wants to pull an Irsay, there needs to be one big stumbling block.

Thanks

[Bonegavel]

I love the way Jim thinks and I wish I had posted here 4+ years ago and received his wisdom when I walked down this path.

My own advice:
1) retain a lawyer - they should keep you from doing anything stupid (I didn't get one and could kick myself). And as was mentioned above, stay out of court if you can help it.
2) don't try and reconcile at this point - once they are done, they are done. If you are at all interested in staying together she may use that against you and give you false hope that it is possible but it is only a ploy to get you to agree to things you shouldn't.
3) Be fair. I gave more than I should have and, while I wish I would have done things more evenly I'm glad I didn't try "screwing" her over even though she is the one that asked for the divorce and she was in charge of our money during the marriage.
4) Move on. Don't stay hung up on her. It's like a death and you will go through all the stages but try getting to the last one as quickly as possible.
5) Don't ever talk bad about your wife around the kids even though she may deserve your anger and vitriol. I walked around for a little in self pity and mentioned to my daughter more than once how "your mother left me." Holy shit I wish I could take all that back. Trust me, I cannot stand my ex but I never ever say anything negative about her. I kept/keep telling my daughter that we both love her very much and I prove it every day by being there for her and taking care of her even beyond my 50%.

Also, don't challenge your ex's rules at her home even if you don't agree with them. And by this I mean you should talk to the ex directly, don't do this by telling your children "your mom lets you do what?" and then proceeding to complain to them about what your ex lets them do. This is huge. Take it directly to her but in the end, understand that her rules are her rules and your rules are your rules.

6) Take charge of your own money in the future. If/when you move on with somebody else take care of your own money. Obviously this only applies if you are the sort who didn't in the past. I was the sort to let my other half take care of the finances and I think that is a huge mistake. Stay involved in the money.
7) Most important of all: don't make the same mistake again. Take your time looking for a new mate. Get to love living on your own and find somebody that makes you want to give it up. Don't fall back into the same patterns. Go on a few dates and don't be afraid to say "sorry, I don't think this is working" as soon as possible. Going through this was HELL and I don't ever want to repeat it. I very well may stay single the rest of my life and I'm okay with that.

When I first went through this I was 39. I felt old, unlovable, and I thought my life was over. Turns out I was wrong. Well, I still feel old, but you know what I mean. Get out there. Meet new people. Friends will open opportunities to meeting new people. But remember #7 most of all. Don't settle ever again. Ever. There is somebody out there that matches your life. Find her.

[BillJasper]

Good luck moving forward, Galaril.

[Galaril]

Originally Posted by Bonegavel

I love the way Jim thinks and I wish I had posted here 4+ years ago and received his wisdom when I walked down this path.

My own advice:
1) retain a lawyer - they should keep you from doing anything stupid (I didn't get one and could kick myself). And as was mentioned above, stay out of court if you can help it.
2) don't try and reconcile at this point - once they are done, they are done. If you are at all interested in staying together she may use that against you and give you false hope that it is possible but it is only a ploy to get you to agree to things you shouldn't.
3) Be fair. I gave more than I should have and, while I wish I would have done things more evenly I'm glad I didn't try "screwing" her over even though she is the one that asked for the divorce and she was in charge of our money during the marriage.
4) Move on. Don't stay hung up on her. It's like a death and you will go through all the stages but try getting to the last one as quickly as possible.
5) Don't ever talk bad about your wife around the kids even though she may deserve your anger and vitriol. I walked around for a little in self pity and mentioned to my daughter more than once how "your mother left me." Holy shit I wish I could take all that back. Trust me, I cannot stand my ex but I never ever say anything negative about her. I kept/keep telling my daughter that we both love her very much and I prove it every day by being there for her and taking care of her even beyond my 50%.

Also, don't challenge your ex's rules at her home even if you don't agree with them. And by this I mean you should talk to the ex directly, don't do this by telling your children "your mom lets you do what?" and then proceeding to complain to them about what your ex lets them do. This is huge. Take it directly to her but in the end, understand that her rules are her rules and your rules are your rules.

6) Take charge of your own money in the future. If/when you move on with somebody else take care of your own money. Obviously this only applies if you are the sort who didn't in the past. I was the sort to let my other half take care of the finances and I think that is a huge mistake. Stay involved in the money.
7) Most important of all: don't make the same mistake again. Take your time looking for a new mate. Get to love living on your own and find somebody that makes you want to give it up. Don't fall back into the same patterns. Go on a few dates and don't be afraid to say "sorry, I don't think this is working" as soon as possible. Going through this was HELL and I don't ever want to repeat it. I very well may stay single the rest of my life and I'm okay with that.

When I first went through this I was 39. I felt old, unlovable, and I thought my life was over. Turns out I was wrong. Well, I still feel old, but you know what I mean. Get out there. Meet new people. Friends will open opportunities to meeting new people. But remember #7 most of all. Don't settle ever again. Ever. There is somebody out there that matches your life. Find her.

Thanks for this advice. I will pay heed and am still waiting to see if a need to retain a lawyer. My wife is " collecting " information as she still is not sure she is getting enough so I already have a couple of lawyers on speed dial in case she shows any more signs of getting more than is reasonable and that line may already have been crossed.

[Galaril]

Originally Posted by Bonegavel

I love the way Jim thinks and I wish I had posted here 4+ years ago and received his wisdom when I walked down this path.

My own advice:
1) retain a lawyer - they should keep you from doing anything stupid (I didn't get one and could kick myself). And as was mentioned above, stay out of court if you can help it.
2) don't try and reconcile at this point - once they are done, they are done. If you are at all interested in staying together she may use that against you and give you false hope that it is possible but it is only a ploy to get you to agree to things you shouldn't.
3) Be fair. I gave more than I should have and, while I wish I would have done things more evenly I'm glad I didn't try "screwing" her over even though she is the one that asked for the divorce and she was in charge of our money during the marriage.
4) Move on. Don't stay hung up on her. It's like a death and you will go through all the stages but try getting to the last one as quickly as possible.
5) Don't ever talk bad about your wife around the kids even though she may deserve your anger and vitriol. I walked around for a little in self pity and mentioned to my daughter more than once how "your mother left me." Holy shit I wish I could take all that back. Trust me, I cannot stand my ex but I never ever say anything negative about her. I kept/keep telling my daughter that we both love her very much and I prove it every day by being there for her and taking care of her even beyond my 50%.

Also, don't challenge your ex's rules at her home even if you don't agree with them. And by this I mean you should talk to the ex directly, don't do this by telling your children "your mom lets you do what?" and then proceeding to complain to them about what your ex lets them do. This is huge. Take it directly to her but in the end, understand that her rules are her rules and your rules are your rules.

6) Take charge of your own money in the future. If/when you move on with somebody else take care of your own money. Obviously this only applies if you are the sort who didn't in the past. I was the sort to let my other half take care of the finances and I think that is a huge mistake. Stay involved in the money.
7) Most important of all: don't make the same mistake again. Take your time looking for a new mate. Get to love living on your own and find somebody that makes you want to give it up. Don't fall back into the same patterns. Go on a few dates and don't be afraid to say "sorry, I don't think this is working" as soon as possible. Going through this was HELL and I don't ever want to repeat it. I very well may stay single the rest of my life and I'm okay with that.

When I first went through this I was 39. I felt old, unlovable, and I thought my life was over. Turns out I was wrong. Well, I still feel old, but you know what I mean. Get out there. Meet new people. Friends will open opportunities to meeting new people. But remember #7 most of all. Don't settle ever again. Ever. There is somebody out there that matches your life. Find her.

Originally Posted by BillJasper

Good luck moving forward, Galaril.

Thanks.

[Qwikshot]

Yeah good luck...after my ex-gf and I broke up, my daughter would always ask why rules were different and I said there are different rules for different homes and that seems to prevent any tension. I can't say that I approved of some of the things but at least I could control what I could when she was under my roof.

I am concerned about the nationality thing, be on guard and have funds should there be a flight risk...

[Galaril]

So yesterday marked me and my wife agreeing on a fair settlement from both our perspectives and BAM today I get laid the fuck off Sr Director IT at the end of the day. So much for my wife and worrying about our divorce and getting that had settled. I talk to my attorney and he says "you got laid off that is great news!" I say 'what?" and he explains if we are pushed to proceed with the divorce while I am unemployed 30% of 0 is still 0. Got to love a slimy lawyer. Still feel like God is really shitting on me the last few months between the divorxe and now losing a job at a place I gave them everything.

[JPhillips]

Sorry to hear. Keep your chin up.

[IlliniCub]

Dang man sorry to hear, hope it gets better

[Solecismic]

That's terrible. Not great news at all. At least you'll have a little time to discover who you are at 45.

Don't let your lawyer play the 30% of 0 card to your stbx (soon-to-be-ex). It puts her in the position of having nothing to lose. Try and work out a temporary imputed income to make calculations from, and some sort of mechanism for readjusting once you're employed again.

[Galaril]

Originally Posted by Solecismic

That's terrible. Not great news at all. At least you'll have a little time to discover who you are at 45.

Don't let your lawyer play the 30% of 0 card to your stbx (soon-to-be-ex). It puts her in the position of having nothing to lose. Try and work out a temporary imputed income to make calculations from, and some sort of mechanism for readjusting once you're employed again.

So I found out my wife has withdrawn the divorce case and "fired" her divorce attorney as there is no cash to get at this point. Clarification both , I and my wife as well as kids are still in the house living together so nothing normal about our situation but for the time being till I figure out long term employment it will be stats quo.

[sterlingice]

Hold on- what? So she said "no more divorce until you get a new job I can get more money out of"?

SI

[Flasch186]

That sounds awful.