[Family] To plan a second child or not...?

[AnalBumCover]

Some background is in order.

When we had our first child in 2011, my wife had issues immediately following the delivery. The pregnancy was fine and the delivery, a c-section, for the most part was routine. But after delivery she developed severe high blood pressure and was diagnosed with preeclampsia and remained hospitalized for 10 days after the delivery.

I can't recall the numbers, but the risk of preeclampsia recurring in subsequent pregnancies is surely there.

Then in the recent years, my wife has developed Chronic Renal Insufficiency where her kidneys are currently functioning at 50%. This puts an added twist in our family planning, because the onset of preeclampsia would result in further damage to her kidneys. In addition, it would be result in either terminating the pregnancy or delivering pre-term.

With these risks in mind, we are undecided on whether we should have a second child.

We would receive excellent healthcare, being watched over by our regular OB doctor, the high-risk OB, and also the nephrologist to monitor her kidney function. All quite frequently during the pregnancy.

But the cloud remains, and we're currently weighing the benefits and risks. I'm 41, and my wife is 36. So if we're to decide to get pregnant again, the time is now. And that window will close pretty quickly.

So I'm here now, not really sure what advice I'm asking of you. Maybe more like, if any of you have experienced difficult pregnancies/deliveries that might have caused you to reconsider doing it all over again. If the decision to only have a single child had any effect on you, your child, and your family as a whole.

Thanks for reading.

FOFC Rocks!

[spleen1015]

No advice. Just wanted to wish you luck with everything.

[hoopsguy]

Have a few thoughts:
1.) We have a single child; our daughter is six years old.
2.) Our daughter would very much like to have a sibling, and I think she would make a great big sister if given the chance.
3.) My wife and I are both pretty comfortable overall with having a single child, with #2 above being pretty much the only misgiving we've ever had on the topic.
4.) If you are concerned about medical ramifications, would you consider adoption as an avenue for expanding your family without introducing an uncomfortable level of risk related to preeclampsia/kidneys/etc?

[gstelmack]

Well, I was 37 when we had our second, and I was too darn old to be chasing a kid around. I have no idea how you'd do that at 41.

I think it's great having two, they help each other out, fight a lot, play together, and generally I think it's good for each to have a sibling.

But the main goal of a pregnancy is to have a healthy baby / healthy mom at the end of it, and all pregnancies are weighing the odds. I don't think I can give you advice on this part, you have to weigh the medical risks you describe above. Delivering pre-term, as long as it isn't TOO pre-term, is not as big a deal as it was, they've made HUGE strides in this area, but along with the other risks you're just going to have to weigh them.

[AnalBumCover]

Originally Posted by hoopsguy

4.) If you are concerned about medical ramifications, would you consider adoption as an avenue for expanding your family without introducing an uncomfortable level of risk related to preeclampsia/kidneys/etc?

This actually crossed my mind last night as we were having this discussion. But it was really a fleeting thought that was never brought up. Thanks for bringing it back to the forefront. I will be sure we consider this as well option as well.

[gstelmack]

Originally Posted by hoopsguy

4.) If you are concerned about medical ramifications, would you consider adoption as an avenue for expanding your family without introducing an uncomfortable level of risk related to preeclampsia/kidneys/etc?

Didn't think of this during my answer, something certainly worth considering.

[Alan T]

My wife nearly died after giving birth due to severe pneumonia, and ended up on life support for a month and in the hospital for several months. The doctors strongly recommended against her having any more kids due to the risk that it could kill her.

There have been times that we've talked and she had the yearning for another child, or possibly to try to see if we could have a boy, but we always come back to the whole risk that it could possibly kill her and have decided a firm no on it. Sometimes it has made her sad, but after 7 years she's learned to deal with it.

For you and your wife, I think this is something that only you two can decide what is right. For me I have three kids (two from a previous marriage), so it is not perhaps the same exact thing where you only have a single kid, but the risks sound similar.

I can't tell you what to do or what you should do, but there are also always other possibilities such as adoption available if you have considered those?

[BillJasper]

I think under the circumstances, adoption would be the best avenue to pursue. The wife and I have three kids and each one has ended up developing faster on an intellectual level than the one before and I think much of that has to do with the younger one interacting with the older one.

Michael, our middle child, is an honor roll student and thinking about pursuing a degree in engineering and Ben, our youngest at six, is already playing around with the Codea iPad app.

[Eaglesfan27]

My wife and I are dealing with the same issues. We have a little girl from her previous marriage who wants a baby sibling and I have always wanted two children but my wife had HELLP syndrome which is a serious complication. We are both 38 so our window is now if we are going to do it. We have weighed the pros and cons out and are trying for number 2, but it was a very difficult decision. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Butter]

My wife had significant pre-eclampsia during her first pregnancy, then didn't deal with that so much with the 2nd, but had gestational diabetes with that one. We thought that we didn't want to find out what fun, life-threatening side effects she would have with the 3rd one, so we stopped at 2.

I hope everything works out for you both in whatever way you decide is best.

[Kodos]

I think the guys who suggested adoption have a pretty good idea. But then I am fairly risk-averse.

[Lathum]

As someone who is adopted I can't recommend it enough.

Depending on your financial situation you can also use a surrogate, that way the child is still biologically yours.

I have 2 kids Colin is 3.5 and Sydney is 6 months. We always wanted at least 2 kids. I am 38 now, wife 37. We had no problems with Colin, but lost 2between him and Sydney. Each time the losses were very difficult to handle and we started questioning our options. Luckilly for us both full term pregnancies my wife had little to no complications.

I think a big factor, for me anyway, is there a risk to the baby in addition to the Mom. I know we have members who have special needs children, so I hope no one takes this the wrong way, but if there is a high risk of the baby having severe issues I don't think it is worth it to bring that child into the world.

I also think if there is a high risk to your wife of severe debilitatio or death it has to be a no, you guys have a responsibility to your current child to be there for them.

Good luck either way. I will tell you that all the trials my wife and I went through were worth it, I love my little girl more than life itself and every day she puts a smile on my face.

[DaddyTorgo]

You're 38 now? Jeebus.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Speaking as one of those "single child only" parents, I can only tell you that I have never once regretted it stopping when/where we did. Situations vary but for us the reality has been that we were able to do exponentially more financially for one than we could have with two and I wouldn't trade that in for anything.

FWIW, I was ... 31 when he was born, wife was {whispers}38 & change{/end TIM} so the window would have been kind of narrow anyway but as things have turned out I'm entirely convinced it was the best number of for us.

Also FWIW, wife will give you a somewhat more wistful take on the same question. She wouldn't have minded adding a girl to the mix at least from an emotional standpoint.

[AnalBumCover]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Situations vary but for us the reality has been that we were able to do exponentially more financially for one than we could have with two and I wouldn't trade that in for anything.

This is kinda where we ended off the discussion last night. And this factored pretty high in our "pros and cons" lists.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by AnalBumCover

This is kinda where we ended off the discussion last night. And this factored pretty high in our "pros and cons" lists.

And it extends well beyond financially as well. While there's "plenty of love to go around" for a 2nd or 5th or 13th child or whatever, there's a certain amount of practical reality about the number of hours in the day/places you can be at the same time/etc.

For us, I just feel like one has been the optimal number for his overall experiences & for us as parents (i'm pretty sure another round of infant/toddler years would have landed me in either the nuthouse, the jail, or a grave)

Everybody's mileage may, and most likely does, vary.

[Suburban Rhythm]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Speaking as one of those "single child only" parents, I can only tell you that I have never once regretted it stopping when/where we did. Situations vary but for us the reality has been that we were able to do exponentially more financially for one than we could have with two and I wouldn't trade that in for anything.

FWIW, I was ... 31 when he was born, wife was {whispers}38 & change{/end TIM} so the window would have been kind of narrow anyway but as things have turned out I'm entirely convinced it was the best number of for us.

Also FWIW, wife will give you a somewhat more wistful take on the same question. She wouldn't have minded adding a girl to the mix at least from an emotional standpoint.

I'm sure this has been covered, if not here, between you and Mrs. Bumcover

But, how strong is the pull for a 2nd child? And, is the desire equal? Is it something she feels she needs?

Mrs SR and I are both 37. Two healthy kids, 9 and 7. In the last year, she's been on a 3rd kid craze. I think she's nuts. She's gung-ho over the idea. Total opposite ends of the spectrum.

My feeling (in my own situation, and yours) is if one of you is anything less than 100% behind the idea, it should be a no.

[AnalBumCover]

Originally Posted by Suburban Rhythm

But, how strong is the pull for a 2nd child? And, is the desire equal? Is it something she feels she needs?

We are both very happy with our current situation, and the desire for a second child is not too high. But given our age, and our window closing fast, we want to be sure we make the decision ourselves before it's made for us.

[Kodos]

I can vouch for the fact that a baby at 38 is tough. My second child was not an easy baby. There was a stretch in the first few months where I had to get myself through day-by-day. She didn't sleep well, and when she was awake, she was crying because of reflux. The lack of quality sleep/downtime and the constant crying was really tough to get through. I have been a firm "No" on a third child ever since, although my wife always wanted to keep the option open.

That being said, my second child is my favorite person in the world now.

[Izulde]

Y'all are making me think I only have a few years left in my window. :P

[Suburban Rhythm]

Originally Posted by Kodos

I can vouch for the fact that a baby at 38 is tough. My second child was not an easy baby. There was a stretch in the first few months where I had to get myself through day-by-day. She didn't sleep well, and when she was awake, she was crying because of reflux. The lack of quality sleep/downtime and the constant crying was really tough to get through. I have been a firm "No" on a third child ever since, although my wife always wanted to keep the option open.

That being said, my second child is my favorite person in the world now.

Stay strong brother!!

[Kodos]

Eventually, she moved into my camp. Although, if I said I wanted another today, I'm pretty sure she would jump at the chance.

Don't worry. I will stay strong.

[BillJasper]

Originally Posted by Kodos

Eventually, she moved into my camp. Although, if I said I wanted another today, I'm pretty sure she would jump at the chance.

Don't worry. I will stay strong.

Just don't accidentally slip one past the goalie like I did.

We had planned on two but ended up with three, ages 20, 16 and 6 now. Though I don't even remember what it was like before the youngest came along.

[Julio Riddols]

Originally Posted by Kodos

I think the guys who suggested adoption have a pretty good idea. But then I am fairly risk-averse.

The first thing that came to mind for me was adoption. You'd be doing a kid a favor and you could potentially find one that is the same age as the current child so they could be on more equal terms growing up and whatnot.

[Icy]

Our case was different, we had a first baby girl 8 years ago, and she died a week after being born without a clear cause, when she was born apparently perfect.

It was a devastating loss as you could imagine, i remember posting about it here back in time, both the initial happiness and the hard hit.

After all kind of different tests on her body and also ours, the cause was not found, so the final diagnostic was a possible unknown genetic disease, and as it was unknown, there was no pre-screening available for future kids, so it was just a gamble to try again.

On top of it, my wife suffers from more or less controlled epilepsy and has been under treatment for 15 years already. The meds she takes raise the probability of malformations in babies to double than the standard one, that is not so high either, could be like a 2% instead of 1%.

The docs told us that is was a total gamble to go for another one, like a 50% of it happening again and with no way to detect it before being born but on the other hand... they were not sure even if it was really a genetic disorder as nothing was ever found.

After 1 year of thinking about it, we decided we wanted to try it again and we did. Hector was born fine, he is now 6 years old and totally healthy.

Then 2 years ago when Hector was 4, we decided we wanted to give him a brother/sister and took the gamble again. Gabriel was born totally fine 10 months and a half ago, and is also healthy.

As for how different is going with Gabriel regarding sleeping, etc well in our case, Hector was terrible for the first 4 months, with reflux, etc, we couldn't sleep more than 1 hour at a time, he started to cry out loud at 8pm every day and stopped at 3am and it was very hard on our nerves.

When we thought about having Gabriel, i was scared about that, specially now that i'm fully immersed in my work career that would suffer with the lack of sleep. It has ended being totally different, the first days Gabriel had to be woken up to be feed, and we were even scared of seeing him to sleep that easy and that much. After 2 months he would sleep 8 straight hours if not woken up by us, so my fears turned into nothing and the whole situation has not been that stressing.

On the other hand, Hector is a kid over the average on size and weight since the beginning, and barely gave us any problem to be feed, while Gabriel is the opposite, under the average weight and to feed him is always a big fight that is also stressing sometimes.

It shows that each kid is totally different, with it's own good and bad things so you can't know what is awaiting to you. I guess that is part of the enrichment experience of being a parent.

I'd say if you really want to go for it, do it, just have always present that something could go wrong, and i don't mean to be scared, just to realize that something could happen, and it will have you both more ready if it does and also to enjoy more if everything goes well fighting against the slightly worse odds.

[rjolley]

As someone who is adopted and as someone who has adopted 2 children and is signing the paperwork on the third on Saturday, I can't recommend that route more, whether you have more children or not. You would never know the new additions to the family were not genetically from my wife and me.

Giving kids who are coming from bad situations a chance to live a normal life with a loving family....I can't think of anything better.

[Ben E Lou]

I can't speak to the decision process. Good luck on that.

However, based on all the comments about age and "the window is closing fast" in this thread, I would comment that I must run in some strange circles. I was born to a 41-year-old mother, my wife had our children four days before her 39th and 43rd birthdays, and right off the top of my head I can think of four couples with whom we are friends who have had children in the last five years where both were in their late 30s to mid 40s. (High age = 45.) And in all instances I've mentioned, there were no issues or complications whatsoever, other than in some instances it took some time to get pregnant. In our case with the first one, they put us into an "Advanced Maternal Age" program where we had genetic counseling, extra testing, etc. etc. etc. I don't recall all the exact numbers, but the bottom line was that there appeared to be two ways to hear what they told us:

1. "ZOMFG!!!! We are TEN TIMES more likely to have significant issues!"
2. "Yes, we're ten times more likely, but that merely means our odds are 1 in 1,000 instead of the normal 1 in 10,000. We'll take 1/1000 any day!"

Again, I don't recall all of the exact numbers, but it was something along those lines. When viewed compared to everyone else, it sounded like we were doomed to have a child with three eyes, but when viewed as an independent set of odds, the chances--apart, of course, from any other issues like some have mentioned--were still very, very small.

Anyway, my encouragement to those in the thread who have indicated significant concern about age but haven't had any specific medical issue in the past would be to relax just a bit and consider that maybe things aren't as grim as they might seem on the surface.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Icy

Hector was born fine, he is now 6 years old and totally healthy. ... Gabriel was born totally fine 10 months and a half ago, and is also healthy.

I remember the anguish of your loss and, well ... I just wanted to tell you how big a smile those two sentences put on my face this morning.

Time seems to fly around the FOFC & I think sometimes the lives of our fellow posters almost become a bit of a blur. I mean, there are a lot of people here to try to keep up with ... just to see your description of Hector (6! how the heck did that happen?) it was just really cool, made me happy for you all.

[Suburban Rhythm]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

I remember the anguish of your loss and, well ... I just wanted to tell you how big a smile those two sentences put on my face this morning.

Time seems to fly around the FOFC & I think sometimes the lives of our fellow posters almost become a bit of a blur. I mean, there are a lot of people here to try to keep up with ... just to see your description of Hector (6! how the heck did that happen?) it was just really cool, made me happy for you all.

...and the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day.

[Coffee Warlord]

Oh you silly people who actually get to PLAN these things.

Damn super sperm.

[Desnudo]

Originally Posted by Kodos

I can vouch for the fact that a baby at 38 is tough. My second child was not an easy baby. There was a stretch in the first few months where I had to get myself through day-by-day. She didn't sleep well, and when she was awake, she was crying because of reflux. The lack of quality sleep/downtime and the constant crying was really tough to get through. I have been a firm "No" on a third child ever since, although my wife always wanted to keep the option open.

That being said, my second child is my favorite person in the world now.

My wife's 36 and experiencing the same challenge. Currently at 18 weeks or so. Nothing life threatening to her or the baby, but a low lying placenta that causes a lot of bleeding and cramping. She can't travel at all. Not even a short road trip from Dallas to Houston. A complete 180 from our first kid where she never even had morning sickness.

It feels like I'm taking care of two kids already sometimes.

Like you, I'm firm on two as I don't want to be on oxygen when I go to my last kid's high school graduation. My wife always wanted three, but I'm not sure she'll feel the same way after this experience.

[EagleFan]

My wife had preeclampsia when pregnant with our first daughter. She had to be hospitalized and they tried to induce labor but that didn't work so they had to go C-Section. She also had high blood sugar during the pregnancy that she had to track by testing herself daily.

She had no problems at all with our second daughter. She had to do C-Section because of the first one being C-Section but no health issues.

[SackAttack]

Count me in the 'adoption' crowd. The health risks to your wife and the health risks to the potential child are great enough that, IMO, adoption is the way to go here.

You give a child a chance at a better life, give your firstborn a brother or sister, and safeguard your wife's health.

I mean, yeah, take it with an appropriately-sized grain of salt as one who doesn't have children. And, of course, best wishes to you and yours whatever route you pursue.

But I think adoption would be a phenomenal choice here.

[Wolfpack]

Originally Posted by Coffee Warlord

Oh you silly people who actually get to PLAN these things.

Damn super sperm.

QFT and I wish I hadn't read a few of the posts here. We're now expecting our third next April and my wife's 37. Fortunately, we've got a huge enough gap that the older children are going to be able to help corral the youngin' while they're teenagers mostly. (oldest is 10, other will be 8 on or about the time this one is born) Gonna be an interesting time.

[Desnudo]

Originally Posted by EagleFan

My wife had preeclampsia when pregnant with our first daughter. She had to be hospitalized and they tried to induce labor but that didn't work so they had to go C-Section. She also had high blood sugar during the pregnancy that she had to track by testing herself daily.

She had no problems at all with our second daughter. She had to do C-Section because of the first one being C-Section but no health issues.

I'm glad everything worked out for you. Going through a pregnancy is a good way to make you appreciate modern medicine.

[Logan]

Originally Posted by Wolfpack

QFT and I wish I hadn't read a few of the posts here. We're now expecting our third next April and my wife's 37. Fortunately, we've got a huge enough gap that the older children are going to be able to help corral the youngin' while they're teenagers mostly. (oldest is 10, other will be 8 on or about the time this one is born) Gonna be an interesting time.

That's about the age difference between me as the youngest, and my brother and sister. It definitely helped my parents a lot having that age split, as opposed to a more traditional 3 kids within 7 years or whatever...

[AnalBumCover]

Thanks to everyone for your invaluable advice.

And a special thank you to those who offered to share your own personal stories about family planning and the difficulties and joys they bring.

My wife and I have considered everything and while not solidly making a decision (pendulums can swing the opposite direction at any time), we are leaning toward not planning a second child, whether adopted or our own.

Again, thanks to this amazing community for your support.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by Wolfpack

QFT and I wish I hadn't read a few of the posts here. We're now expecting our third next April and my wife's 37. Fortunately, we've got a huge enough gap that the older children are going to be able to help corral the youngin' while they're teenagers mostly. (oldest is 10, other will be 8 on or about the time this one is born) Gonna be an interesting time.

That's a great gap - about the gap between my youngest sister and my youngest brother. It definitely helps to have older sibs who can act as "secondary parents" IMO. It's not all that common, but it's great when it happens.

[Desnudo]

I remember my friend getting put in the drunk tank when he was around 18 or so. His older brother who was 37 came down and got him out as his "father."

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by Desnudo

I remember my friend getting put in the drunk tank when he was around 18 or so. His older brother who was 37 came down and got him out as his "father."

That'll be me and my brother in a couple years I imagine.