Simmons breaks the race down, from bottom to top.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...simmons/080415
314. Tim Thomas
I guess the question is this: Is there an NBA forward alive who couldn't play 31 minutes a game, score 12 points, notch five rebounds and three assists, miss 70 percent of his 3-pointers and allow his guy to score at will? If baseball has VORP (value over replacement player), then basketball should have VOTT (value over Tim Thomas). And that's not even half the story. During a Lakers-Clips game last week, the Postmaster General (that's my nickname for him) spent a large chunk of the third quarter jogging between the two 3-point lines without ever crossing either line, almost like he wagered a teammate that he could play an entire quarter without going within 24 feet of either basket. It might have been the most riveting moment of the Clippers' season. He's such a dog that PETA might protest this paragraph.
217. Ben Wallace
You know the wheels have come off when his name can be used as a descriptive sports noun. For example ...
Friend No. 1: "Holy crap, I can't believe how bad David Ortiz looks right now."
Friend No. 2: "I know, I hope it's just a slump and he isn't going Ben Wallace on us."
199. Devean George
All right, on a scale of 1 to 10, how awkward do you think every interaction between Mark Cuban and Devean George is? A 15? A 23? Every time Cuban looks at him, do you think he sees a burning pile of $11 million atop George's neck? Part of me hopes George becomes the Mavs' playoff goat this spring, then sneaks back into his Dallas house to get his stuff in a scene that unfolds like Butch going back to get his father's watch in "Pulp Fiction."
(Quick movie tangent: I watched "Pulp" for the first time in eons last weekend and forgot how excruciating all the scenes with Butch and his girlfriend were. I mean, those would have been unbearable as deleted scenes on a DVD, much less as scenes in the actual movie. Can't all the cable networks agree to cut the first two scenes and just show the scene where Butch finds out that she forgot his watch? More importantly, did we ever figure out the deal with the Gimp? He was trapped in a trunk wearing an S&M outfit and a leather mask, only it was unclear whether he lived in the trunk or if he just happened to be there that day. I'd like this cleared up, it has been bothering me for 15 years. Also, did you ever check out the IMDB.com profile of Steve Hibbert, the guy who played the Gimp? Not only was he married to Julia Sweeney (the lady who played Pat on "Saturday Night Live," but he appeared on "Boy Meets World" and played an inept security guard in the second "Austin Powers" movie. Now that's a career! How many people do you think haven't believed him when he said, "Yeah, I was the Gimp in Pulp Fiction" over the years? More than 200? More than 400? More than 1,200? Did he keep the outfit? I'm like three questions away from having enough questions to invite Steve Hibbert on my podcast. Whoops, where was I?)
166. Marvin Williams
The whole "Atlanta could have taken Chris Paul!" thing has officially become awkward. I can't even make eye contact with Hawks fans anymore.
(OK, I don't know any Hawks fans. And neither do you. But if we DID know any Hawks fans, we'd have trouble making eye contact with them. You have to admit.)
133. Luol Deng/Ben Gordon/Emeka Okafor (tie)
"On second thought ... um ... I WILL take that extension!"
85. Vince Carter
I mailed in this paragraph in his honor.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...simmons/080415
314. Tim Thomas
I guess the question is this: Is there an NBA forward alive who couldn't play 31 minutes a game, score 12 points, notch five rebounds and three assists, miss 70 percent of his 3-pointers and allow his guy to score at will? If baseball has VORP (value over replacement player), then basketball should have VOTT (value over Tim Thomas). And that's not even half the story. During a Lakers-Clips game last week, the Postmaster General (that's my nickname for him) spent a large chunk of the third quarter jogging between the two 3-point lines without ever crossing either line, almost like he wagered a teammate that he could play an entire quarter without going within 24 feet of either basket. It might have been the most riveting moment of the Clippers' season. He's such a dog that PETA might protest this paragraph.
217. Ben Wallace
You know the wheels have come off when his name can be used as a descriptive sports noun. For example ...
Friend No. 1: "Holy crap, I can't believe how bad David Ortiz looks right now."
Friend No. 2: "I know, I hope it's just a slump and he isn't going Ben Wallace on us."
199. Devean George
All right, on a scale of 1 to 10, how awkward do you think every interaction between Mark Cuban and Devean George is? A 15? A 23? Every time Cuban looks at him, do you think he sees a burning pile of $11 million atop George's neck? Part of me hopes George becomes the Mavs' playoff goat this spring, then sneaks back into his Dallas house to get his stuff in a scene that unfolds like Butch going back to get his father's watch in "Pulp Fiction."
(Quick movie tangent: I watched "Pulp" for the first time in eons last weekend and forgot how excruciating all the scenes with Butch and his girlfriend were. I mean, those would have been unbearable as deleted scenes on a DVD, much less as scenes in the actual movie. Can't all the cable networks agree to cut the first two scenes and just show the scene where Butch finds out that she forgot his watch? More importantly, did we ever figure out the deal with the Gimp? He was trapped in a trunk wearing an S&M outfit and a leather mask, only it was unclear whether he lived in the trunk or if he just happened to be there that day. I'd like this cleared up, it has been bothering me for 15 years. Also, did you ever check out the IMDB.com profile of Steve Hibbert, the guy who played the Gimp? Not only was he married to Julia Sweeney (the lady who played Pat on "Saturday Night Live," but he appeared on "Boy Meets World" and played an inept security guard in the second "Austin Powers" movie. Now that's a career! How many people do you think haven't believed him when he said, "Yeah, I was the Gimp in Pulp Fiction" over the years? More than 200? More than 400? More than 1,200? Did he keep the outfit? I'm like three questions away from having enough questions to invite Steve Hibbert on my podcast. Whoops, where was I?)
166. Marvin Williams
The whole "Atlanta could have taken Chris Paul!" thing has officially become awkward. I can't even make eye contact with Hawks fans anymore.
(OK, I don't know any Hawks fans. And neither do you. But if we DID know any Hawks fans, we'd have trouble making eye contact with them. You have to admit.)
133. Luol Deng/Ben Gordon/Emeka Okafor (tie)
"On second thought ... um ... I WILL take that extension!"
85. Vince Carter
I mailed in this paragraph in his honor.
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