When we last saw The Kai in action they were still reeling from the shocking defeat at the hands of Daniel Larusso in the All Valley California State Karate Championship. After Cobra Kai's leader Terry Silver's plan to dismantle and embarass Larusso failed, The Kai layed low for the next 18 years. But you know what they say. Cobra Kai.........NEVER DIES!!
Mr. Silver has been waiting for the perfect moment to strike first, to strike hard, and to show no mercy sir. Due to the death of Mr. Miyagi and Mr. Larusso being now relagated to making guest appearances on "Entourage," and playing softball with Artie Lang, The Cobra Kai has had to move on and try and dominate a new arena. Terry Silver has found an opening and decided that now is the time to do it. After framing the enitre university of Stanford for being evil toxic waste polluters, he has convinced the Pac-10 Conference to kick Stanford out and allow his new school, Cobra Kai University, to replace the Cardinals. Who knows how he was able to pull this off, but I guarantee there was at least one front sweep and couple broken noses involved. Well, now that Mr. Silver has gotten his Cobra Kai U. into the Pac-10, they will immediately take over Stanfords schedule and begin play in the conference starting with the 2007-2008 basketball season. Mr. Silver has just given us a copy of the press release that he is about to give out to the public. Here is it:
Ha,ha,ha!! The Kai is back baby!! I got most of the old clan together and brought in some new talent. Some say we might have gotten old and lost a step in the past 18 years, but that is pure hogwash. Hogwash!! Haha!! We have all aged perfectly unlike Miyagi, who is now aging inside of a coffin. Haha!! I've been planning this since 1989 baby. I dropped everything I had going on in my life for the past 18 years just for this moment. And I am here to teach the Pac-10 and the entire NCAA one thing.....PAIN!! And after they all learn that lesson, there will be more pain. And then some pain. I made sure none of my Kai member went to college so they could stay eligable for my master plan. I picked up some dropouts along the way who I always thought had some Kai potential. Normally I would keep who I got rolling with me a secret, but screw it, I'll even give you a scouting report of everyone on my squad that I had my secretary type up because we are too real for this league anyways. Meet the team losers.....
The Coaches
Head Coach- Terry Silver- The most evil man in California. Billionaire who once dropped every important thing in his life just to teach a 17 year old boy and his 70 year old mentor a lesson in pain. Plans to install a 2-2-1 press and use it all game in hopes of avergaing 30 steals per game. Will never show an opponent mercy because mercy is for the weak.
Assistant Coach- John Kreese- Mr. Silver's right hand man. Was actually eligable to play but is sitting out this year due to hand arthritis from an accident 23 years ago in which he broke both of his hands by using them to punch through a car window.
2nd Assistant Coach- Mr. Belding - Picked up off the streets by Mr. Silver because he was impressed by his leadership skills when he took the entire senior class at Bayside white water rafting by himself after Rod Belding skipped out on the kids to bang some chick all weekend. Silver is tough on him though because he feels he is bit of a wussy.
The Players
Mike Barnes- College Basketballs Bad Boy. Has no problem doing the dirty work under the boards, which can and probably will include the following: Leg Sweeps, Front Sweeps, Face Punching, Elbows to the Stomach, Flicks to the nuts, Toe Stomps, and threatening to throw people down mountains if they dont sign a letter of intent to play at Cobra Kai U. One major flaw is his inability to get the point.
Johnny Lawrence- Silky smooth shooting guard with great talent but has questionable killer instinct due to his hesitation when trying to finish off opponents with leg sweeps. Has a bit of Kyle McAlarney in him as he likes to roll dubs in the bathroom.
Dutch- Probably the baddest and most underrated member of The Kai. Was always held down for some reason. Now ready to take his place on the team as starting SF and instigator. Will mock other teams unis and ask them if their mommies dressed them.
AC Slater- Newest member of team Kai and starting Guard. Still has 3 years of eligibility available after dropping out of Cal after 1 year due to poor ratings and a desire to explore his Chicano heritage more. All-time High School superstar. Excelled in wrestling, football, basketball, track, swimming, choir team, radio annoncing, cooking, spagethhi sauce making, banging Jesse, auto shop, and many other things. Some question whether his comeback to basketball will be a success though because of the last 2 times he was playing on the court. Those 2 games both ended in losses as in one game Slater was told to shoot his hopes and dreams by Belding and before he realized Belding meant the ball, the game was over. The other time he lost a game of handicap basketball to Zack, Screech, and some chick and he was even flagged for jumping out of his wheel chair to steal the opening tip. That steal of the opening tip is the reason Silver brought him onto the team. Silver believes any man willing to cheat in a game of wheel chair baskerball is the type of player he wants.
Tommy "Bodybags" - Will play some minutes but will surely be on the bench at the end of any close game so when a big play is made he can scream out "Get him a body bag!!! Yeah!!!." The inventor of all that is trash talk. Actual plans on bringing bodybags to everygame with him to psyche out his opponents.
Bobby Brown- No, not that Bobby Brown. The one who intentionally kicked Daniel Son in the leg with such precision and accuracy that he almost knocked him out the of the All-Valley Tourny. Yes he actually does have a last name. Was also kicked out of The Kai for showing remorse and apologizing to Daniel but then let back on the team right after Terry Silver realized that Bobby wasnt really sorry, it was all just great acting to make it look like more of an accident. Has no problem starting a fight in garbage time like Mardy Collins in an attempt to get the other teams best players kicked out the game and suspended.
Cory Matthews- Another new addition to the Kai. Put on the team after Silver saw game footage of a young Cory Matthews ripping up those garbage time minutes for John Adams when he was just a scrub on the B team. Silver likes his heart and his refusal to give up, like when he finally got Topanga to give him some punani after years of going out. Silver has secretly said the reason that he put Matthews on the team is because Topanga is always around him and Silver secretly plans on slipping Topanga some of his sausage.
Tony from "Blue Chips"- After Coach Pete Bell admission that he cheated, Western forfeited the rest of their season. Tony then dropped out of school with 1 year of eligability remaining and took a job teaching TV class. Silver likes him because he also believes the spread is for the gamblers and doesnt mind the shaving of some points to make some cheddar because that is just a smart business move. Will handle most point guard duties. Rumours have it that he was added to the team for affirmative action reasons but Silver denies that, saying the only color he cares about is red, the type of red you see when you make someones knuckles bleed.
Snake- Benchwarmer who was also kronie of Mike Barnes. Good at being as a badboy because Silver once told Barnes "If youre looking to be a badboy in LA then Snakes the one to be bad with." To this Snake replied "You Know It." So he obviously is a real bad mofo.
Fat Asain Guy- Only on team to fill out the roster. Never speaks. Rarely seen except for when he is being kicked in the stomach as "Youre The Best Around," is being blasted over the loud speakers.
Lucas Scott- Last member of this 11 man squad. For those who dont know, was picked up this year from the North Carolina State High School Basketball Champion Tree Hill Ravens. One Tree Hill 4 life. Silver likes him for the same reason he likes Tony, his ability to shave points at the end of a game. Who actually bets enough money on high school bball games to make this actually matter? Rick Fox, thats who. So if for some reason you have missed Scott's play on One Tree Hill, you are missing some great very believeable action. A one dimensional player who can only shoot 3s and only play for a couple minutes at a time due to HCM, he will be used sparely as a weapon when quick scoring is needed.
There is the team. More info to come soon. Cobra Kai University will be using a pack of Rolaids as our logo, making our name the Cobra Kai Rolaids. Why? Because the roll part stands for our ability to roll over our opponents and the Aids part stands for us being just like the AIDS virus.....unstoppable. Mercy is for the weak. We do not train to be merciful here. Strike first, strike hard no mecry. Cobra Kia Never Dies.
Mr. Silver has been waiting for the perfect moment to strike first, to strike hard, and to show no mercy sir. Due to the death of Mr. Miyagi and Mr. Larusso being now relagated to making guest appearances on "Entourage," and playing softball with Artie Lang, The Cobra Kai has had to move on and try and dominate a new arena. Terry Silver has found an opening and decided that now is the time to do it. After framing the enitre university of Stanford for being evil toxic waste polluters, he has convinced the Pac-10 Conference to kick Stanford out and allow his new school, Cobra Kai University, to replace the Cardinals. Who knows how he was able to pull this off, but I guarantee there was at least one front sweep and couple broken noses involved. Well, now that Mr. Silver has gotten his Cobra Kai U. into the Pac-10, they will immediately take over Stanfords schedule and begin play in the conference starting with the 2007-2008 basketball season. Mr. Silver has just given us a copy of the press release that he is about to give out to the public. Here is it:
Ha,ha,ha!! The Kai is back baby!! I got most of the old clan together and brought in some new talent. Some say we might have gotten old and lost a step in the past 18 years, but that is pure hogwash. Hogwash!! Haha!! We have all aged perfectly unlike Miyagi, who is now aging inside of a coffin. Haha!! I've been planning this since 1989 baby. I dropped everything I had going on in my life for the past 18 years just for this moment. And I am here to teach the Pac-10 and the entire NCAA one thing.....PAIN!! And after they all learn that lesson, there will be more pain. And then some pain. I made sure none of my Kai member went to college so they could stay eligable for my master plan. I picked up some dropouts along the way who I always thought had some Kai potential. Normally I would keep who I got rolling with me a secret, but screw it, I'll even give you a scouting report of everyone on my squad that I had my secretary type up because we are too real for this league anyways. Meet the team losers.....
The Coaches
Head Coach- Terry Silver- The most evil man in California. Billionaire who once dropped every important thing in his life just to teach a 17 year old boy and his 70 year old mentor a lesson in pain. Plans to install a 2-2-1 press and use it all game in hopes of avergaing 30 steals per game. Will never show an opponent mercy because mercy is for the weak.
Assistant Coach- John Kreese- Mr. Silver's right hand man. Was actually eligable to play but is sitting out this year due to hand arthritis from an accident 23 years ago in which he broke both of his hands by using them to punch through a car window.
2nd Assistant Coach- Mr. Belding - Picked up off the streets by Mr. Silver because he was impressed by his leadership skills when he took the entire senior class at Bayside white water rafting by himself after Rod Belding skipped out on the kids to bang some chick all weekend. Silver is tough on him though because he feels he is bit of a wussy.
The Players
Mike Barnes- College Basketballs Bad Boy. Has no problem doing the dirty work under the boards, which can and probably will include the following: Leg Sweeps, Front Sweeps, Face Punching, Elbows to the Stomach, Flicks to the nuts, Toe Stomps, and threatening to throw people down mountains if they dont sign a letter of intent to play at Cobra Kai U. One major flaw is his inability to get the point.
Johnny Lawrence- Silky smooth shooting guard with great talent but has questionable killer instinct due to his hesitation when trying to finish off opponents with leg sweeps. Has a bit of Kyle McAlarney in him as he likes to roll dubs in the bathroom.
Dutch- Probably the baddest and most underrated member of The Kai. Was always held down for some reason. Now ready to take his place on the team as starting SF and instigator. Will mock other teams unis and ask them if their mommies dressed them.
AC Slater- Newest member of team Kai and starting Guard. Still has 3 years of eligibility available after dropping out of Cal after 1 year due to poor ratings and a desire to explore his Chicano heritage more. All-time High School superstar. Excelled in wrestling, football, basketball, track, swimming, choir team, radio annoncing, cooking, spagethhi sauce making, banging Jesse, auto shop, and many other things. Some question whether his comeback to basketball will be a success though because of the last 2 times he was playing on the court. Those 2 games both ended in losses as in one game Slater was told to shoot his hopes and dreams by Belding and before he realized Belding meant the ball, the game was over. The other time he lost a game of handicap basketball to Zack, Screech, and some chick and he was even flagged for jumping out of his wheel chair to steal the opening tip. That steal of the opening tip is the reason Silver brought him onto the team. Silver believes any man willing to cheat in a game of wheel chair baskerball is the type of player he wants.
Tommy "Bodybags" - Will play some minutes but will surely be on the bench at the end of any close game so when a big play is made he can scream out "Get him a body bag!!! Yeah!!!." The inventor of all that is trash talk. Actual plans on bringing bodybags to everygame with him to psyche out his opponents.
Bobby Brown- No, not that Bobby Brown. The one who intentionally kicked Daniel Son in the leg with such precision and accuracy that he almost knocked him out the of the All-Valley Tourny. Yes he actually does have a last name. Was also kicked out of The Kai for showing remorse and apologizing to Daniel but then let back on the team right after Terry Silver realized that Bobby wasnt really sorry, it was all just great acting to make it look like more of an accident. Has no problem starting a fight in garbage time like Mardy Collins in an attempt to get the other teams best players kicked out the game and suspended.
Cory Matthews- Another new addition to the Kai. Put on the team after Silver saw game footage of a young Cory Matthews ripping up those garbage time minutes for John Adams when he was just a scrub on the B team. Silver likes his heart and his refusal to give up, like when he finally got Topanga to give him some punani after years of going out. Silver has secretly said the reason that he put Matthews on the team is because Topanga is always around him and Silver secretly plans on slipping Topanga some of his sausage.
Tony from "Blue Chips"- After Coach Pete Bell admission that he cheated, Western forfeited the rest of their season. Tony then dropped out of school with 1 year of eligability remaining and took a job teaching TV class. Silver likes him because he also believes the spread is for the gamblers and doesnt mind the shaving of some points to make some cheddar because that is just a smart business move. Will handle most point guard duties. Rumours have it that he was added to the team for affirmative action reasons but Silver denies that, saying the only color he cares about is red, the type of red you see when you make someones knuckles bleed.
Snake- Benchwarmer who was also kronie of Mike Barnes. Good at being as a badboy because Silver once told Barnes "If youre looking to be a badboy in LA then Snakes the one to be bad with." To this Snake replied "You Know It." So he obviously is a real bad mofo.
Fat Asain Guy- Only on team to fill out the roster. Never speaks. Rarely seen except for when he is being kicked in the stomach as "Youre The Best Around," is being blasted over the loud speakers.
Lucas Scott- Last member of this 11 man squad. For those who dont know, was picked up this year from the North Carolina State High School Basketball Champion Tree Hill Ravens. One Tree Hill 4 life. Silver likes him for the same reason he likes Tony, his ability to shave points at the end of a game. Who actually bets enough money on high school bball games to make this actually matter? Rick Fox, thats who. So if for some reason you have missed Scott's play on One Tree Hill, you are missing some great very believeable action. A one dimensional player who can only shoot 3s and only play for a couple minutes at a time due to HCM, he will be used sparely as a weapon when quick scoring is needed.
There is the team. More info to come soon. Cobra Kai University will be using a pack of Rolaids as our logo, making our name the Cobra Kai Rolaids. Why? Because the roll part stands for our ability to roll over our opponents and the Aids part stands for us being just like the AIDS virus.....unstoppable. Mercy is for the weak. We do not train to be merciful here. Strike first, strike hard no mecry. Cobra Kia Never Dies.
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