Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

[JayDizzle04]

-Never turn your back on a guy who brought back the first kick of a Super Bowl for a TD

Grin and Bear It

-AP

Overconfidence and underestimating one's opponent go hand-in-hand in the game of football and this one in particular was no different.

The Panhandle Pythons, coming off of a raucous win against the Atlanta Falcons, came in Soldier Field with all the fanfare that comes with an upstart team. Big-time recievers, the makings of a multi-headed running attack and a quarterback that could make decisions on the fly if need be... what could go wrong?

The weather would answer that question with a torrential rain storm in Chicago, a sign that any throwing attack might as well be forsaken for the virtues of "three yards and a cloud of dirt." Starting with the Pythons sticking with that idea, they pressed against a solid Chicago defense, rushing all the way down to their opponent's 20-yard-line.

Dominique Byrd, more of a reciever these days for his team, managed to salvage a fumble from otherwise astounding work by fullback Patrick Roth as both men sliced through Chicago's defenders early. Unfortunately Chicago stood tough on the Goalline, forcing kicker Lamont Sanford to put his team on the board, 3 to 0.

"I was open on an end-around route but after I saw the replay, it was either chuck the ball or die by the hands of Lance Briggs... We actually need a quarterback so I can see why he did what he did."

More stalemates reared their ugly head as the Pythons and Bears defenses played their guts out...As evidenced when Pythons Linebacker MGo Blue forced Bears quarterback Kyle Orton into an errant throw, allowing Cornerback Heelswxman to add another INT to his collection.

"If I can't get the sack, I'll be sure that dude at least feels his spleen move two inches to the left when I get to him."

"Jumpball equals more HOF stats for me man...gotta thank Blue for that one though."

The Pythons showed further signs of offensive ineptness as receivers Blake Kolumber and BDawg both couldn't get into the endzone on consecutive tries; the second stopped by Chicago's Brian Urlacher. Lamont Sanford soon put in another three points for his team after.

"Again, I'm going to hear about 'why not go for it? why are you taking the points?' In this game, you gotta get things done any way you can just to get some points. The worst thing we would want to do to ourselves is negate any opportunities to earn those points."

The Bears wouldn't take being down 6-0 without a fight as they soon took the Pythons secondary to task with not one, but TWO recieving touchdowns by Devin Hester and Adrian Peterson(the other one).

Down 14-6, runningback J.D. Frazier attempted to right the ship again but Mother Nature had other plans as the ball forcibly flew from his grasp into the Bears open arms before halftime.

Panhandle Cornerback Heelswxman was sure to hold things down on his front, defending a sure pass to Hester again. Blake Kolumber was sure to help things along as he put down the Bears' Charles Tillman while running toward the endzone.

Afterward, Tight End Dominique Byrd positioned his team for another 3 points by kicker Sanford, another sign of a floundering offense.


-Like this, but in the Pros.

"I expect Player of the Game after all this... I haven't been able to light ONE cig since I've been out here and my feet are getting wet.

Those Bears better feel lucky that I'm not strapping on some bigger pads or else I'd be knocking heads off out there too."

Coach DizL's Half-Time Speech

Gather around men, grab a cup of Hot Cocoa because I know your butts are freezing right now.

First off, I want to say that I near-content with you defensive guys out there... Heelswxman, again you're being tested out there against some of the quicker, faster players the league has to offer. I can't condone the two TDs you gave Hester and Peterson out there, you can't tell me otherwise, but I can congratulate you on short-yard coverage.

'Tui', I won't jinx you so I'll just say keep doing what you're doing and look beyond that first down marker when you air it out.

I know it's raining but you've got at least 4 guys out there who can make big things happen if you give them a chance; and I'm not talking about simple pitches to hook-routes either. BDawg's got a step on those linebackers out there and I think we can use that to our advantage against that meathead Urlacher.

Kolumber, that TD drop isn't going to give you a highlight reel anytime soon...unless you plan on make SportsCenter's "Not-Top 10" list. Keep your chin up because if Krulmichael's still getting a lot of attention come second half, I'll need you to step it up a bit.

Defense: Pass coverage is KEY in the game. Hester is not going to slow down for you gimps and neither is Peterson; I know it isn't that new sensation they got out there in Minneapolis, but he can make plays just the same.

You got their short yardage and running game by the balls, so don't let up... Pain, Blue, Blitz: you see an opening to make a killshot, take it. I don't want "almost" sacks or half-tackles out there. I want you to hit the guy so hard that his guts end up halfway to China... comprende, Brisita?

Now put your hands in here and let's win one more!

Come the third quarter and a mirror of MGo Blue/Heelwxman's defensive acrobatics occured as Pythons Safety Zach Swartz forced a fumble, allowing teammate William Dobbins to recover the ball for their team.

"Great players make Great plays... gotta thank Dobbins for looking out there and getting the ball. Jones was heavy as fxck and wouldn't let me get up."

"Team effort there. Swartz doesn't strip that ball and I don't record my fumble recovery."

More back-and-forth occurred between the two teams, ending with the Bears' Lance Briggs picking off the Pythons' Marques Tuiasosopo by tipping the ball out of the air to himself.

With only a quarter to go, Jay Burton made sure to further the Panhandle cause with a sack against the Bears, an amicable addition to the stat sheet... Saying later:

"Feels good hitting the quarterback again. I think I smiled a bit when I saw Orton freak out a little back there."

But as the time ticked by on the Pythons, no amount of plays could save their team despite their insistance otherwise.

One play proved this to a 'T' as reciever Krulmichael attempted to regain whatever precieved "Captain Status" he had with a wing-and-a-prayer pass thrown by Tuiasosopo... but like some stories, the ending would leave a bad taste in the Pythons' mouth as it appeared Krulmichael was beyond the Bears' goalline for a touchdown.

'Not so' according to the officials on the field, and with no time-outs left and an apparent need to meet prior dinner dates, there was no review.

"I know he was in... seriously, I don't care if Goodell or the rest of the league hears this: That no-call was BULLSH!T! But it figures considering that Chicago loves their homecooking so much...

You know, bratwurst, steak, and bullsh!t no-calls... if we meet again, and we will, I'll make sure to order up some of that great food since the Bears got their fill tonight.

...BULLSH!T!"

-"Bullsh!t!" indeed.

Final Score: 20-12

Coach DizL's Post-Game Speech

I don't want to hear a word out of you men right now... no whining, no complaining. That's not what this team is about and by three games in, I should hope you would know that by now.

It's my fault that we lost and I'll take the bullet from the Front Office Management if need be.

Sanford, three kicks in and I didn't trust your leg to keep us within 5 instead of the 8 that we've lost by and for that I'm sorry.

Recievers, you deserve a damn medal out there for taking all those hits out there as well as you Frazier. Tough yards don't come cheap and if for some ungodly reason we all come back next season, you're one of the cornerstones that I'll try harder than anyone to keep.

That goes for you too Heelswxman and Nose.

The rest of you I can say with pride that I would be glad to go to war with you men. The trenchs are a tough place to make your hay and if it came down to it, you'd earn yours when it counted.

Now hit the showers and get ready for practice soon; We've got more to cover and I want to make sure that we don't get thrown on again.

[JayDizzle04]

Re: Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

Shipping and Handled

-AP

Coming off a loss to a division opponent was tough for the traveling band of Pythons, eager to stay in the win column for as long as they could. Two wins ahead of most in the NFL, the temporary team put their best foot forward, mostly on their opponent's necks.

Chicago promptly put a stop to that.

So when it came down to facing another divisional team, one that was until recently looking forward to their rivalry game with the still-striking Tampa Bay Bucs, the Pythons decided to take matters into their own hands; no more kicking for a primary source of points and no more dogging it when the game was on the line.

Starting with the 1st Quarter, things were looking same-old, same-old for the Pythons defense as they practiced against the pass in hopes of shutting down the incumbent Green Bay Quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Instead, they got a face full of rookie Brian Brohm.



Brohm, a system driver formerly of the Louisville Cardinals during their short surgance in the Big East Conference, was chosen as the head man on offense during the Pre-season for Green Bay; a tall-task for a guy who was #3 on the QB Chart last season.

The Panhandlers didn't quite feel pity on him however as his first drive ended on six plays as the defense put him on his a$$ twice.

"Never heard of this guy except for the overrated stats he put up in the minors... of course this ain't Louisville and I'm not a fan of opposing QB's."

Coming into the game with a lopsided TD-to-Interception tally, Pythons Quarterback Marques Tuiasosopo looked to stay on his team's good side as he began to test the Packers secondary; testing that led to poor results.

"I'll admit that I can't throw 200 yards every down but you can't expect me to throw through 8 defenders to get a 1st. It's impossible."

"I can't make plays for this team if my QB's not going to throw it to me... nothing against Tui because he's gotten us two wins so far; BUT he's not helping us RIGHT NOW."

Forced to keep their team in the game again, the Pythons defense forced a 3-and-Out against Brohm with a ferocious pass-rush best served for the most steely nerved veterans.

Afterwards, the end of the first quarter had ended poorly for both teams as Tuiasosopo reared his ugly head, throwing the pick that cost him the rest of his afternoon.

"I don't know if it's my fault for not coaching him up enough or what have you but I am SICK of having to think about how our kicker, bless his tar-blackened heart, is the best offensive weapon out there."

The second quarter forced the defense to pick up their play a little, marked early by Cornerback Heelswxman forcing and retrieving a fumble... which was taken back almost immediately by the referees despite visual evidence that the ball fell out of Packer Donald Lee's hand before he hit the ground.

"Pick up and play man... we've got a game to win."

Trying not disappoint, quarterback Ralph Nixon soon hit the field and the Green Bay Red Zone as he drove the team all the way down the field. Unfortunately, his first TD try ended on a 4th down as he couldn't hit Tight End Euhus with three yards to go.

Following this was Packer Ryan Grant, not known for his running prowess on a consistant basis, just gashing the Pythons defense as he ran all the way back to their 34-yard-line; luckily the man was not going to score as Heelswxman caught him from behind on the big play.


-Ryan Grant, showing off his 'Gingerbread Man' impression.

Offensively, things had picked up a bit with the help of meteoric reciever Blake Kolumber and punishing fullback Patrick Roth as the duo took their team into the endzone, a rare touchdown for the Pythons after seeing countless field goals from the team.

"Just give me the ball and I'll make good things happen... proof's on the tape man."

Coach DizL's Half-Time Speech

I don't have much to say here because what else is there?

"Defense, do your job; Offense, score points; Special Teams, get us the best field position that you possibly can..."

You've all heard it all before... so what I will say is this: If you really want to win this game; if you really want to win for yourselves or for the guy pouring his heart out next to you on the field... do your best.

That's all I ever want. Your best.

Those willing to do that, put your hands in... those of you who aren't, I will be more than happy to ask the Front Office to trade you come next week.

The defense for the Pythons come the third quarter made things even more tense for the visiting Packers as they put Brian Brohm through another 3-and-Out situation.

Offensively, the home team looked to pull through a terrible loss of A.R. Boatang for the game on a play-action pass to Blake Kolumber, giving the reciever over a hundred yards on the day.

"Boatang hurt like hell. Need cheerleader to ice wounds."

Afterward, Nixon barreled through two Packer defenders like he wanted to take Boatang's relief spot on the Runningback roster, taking his team to the Packers' 2-yard-line.

Patrick Roth would further the Pythons' hard-nosed efforts as he managed to ding up Green Bay's Nick Collins while trying to end-around on a TD try to end the 3rd quarter.

Nixon would benefit from Roth's efforts soon after as he took the ball in himself on a QB Sneak to give his team the lead in the 4th.

"I'm not a crook...but that felt like stealin' getting that touchdown. Big-ups to my O-Line man!"

The Packers would soon answer back on a Greg Jennings go-ahead touchdown as the secondary seemingly fell asleep on defense; Ryan Grant putting two more on the board to tie things up, 14-14.

As the defense got another shot at things, they forced a punt by Green Bay and (soon-to-be-unemployed) player Jon Ryan obliged perfectly, shanking another kick for his team.

"I hate to win a game because the other team hired a noodle-legged kicker to earn them field position but at this point, what do we have to lose?

"Gotta remember to send that guy a fruit basket when I get back to the team office."

-Hope Jon likes Pineapples...

Finishing things up for his team offensively, J.D. Frazier came in thinking "touchdown" as he cannonballed his way through to get a score; Nick Barnett of Green Bay feeling the effects the most as he was put out of the rest of the game...

"If Boatang can't come back, you'll be seeing a LOT MORE of me on Sundays."

...a game that saw Brohm out as well, forcing his team to look to abandoned gunslinger Aaron Rodgers to bring them back from the brink.

Nothing doing as his reciever Donald Lee couldn't get past the first down marker or the Pythons defense.

"We played a little tighter than I wanted but in the end, Nixon and the rest of those lugs got it done when it counted."

Final Score: 21-14

Coach DizL's Post-Game Speech

Scrub up and get ready to practice for Denver...you'll need it.

...what are you waiting for? A pat on the back? Congrats, 3-1, woo!

Now go!

[JayDizzle04]

Re: Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

Mile High Miracle?

-AP

Home to some of Denver's most memorable games, Mile High Stadium is one of the more historic stadiums to feature the sport. Names like Elway, Sharpe, Davis and Jackson come to mind for the Bronco squad when thinking of the team's glory years... names like Plummer perk up when looking at the team's recent woes.

Acting Quarterback Jay Cutler looks to change all that as he captains a team known for it's "plug-and-play" style running attack which only bolsters the cannon-arm of the man; the defense, still looking for an group identity despite big time figures like Champ Bailey and Dre Bly roaming the Bronco secondary.

What does this have to do with the Panhandle Pythons, visitors/witnesses to Colorado Football glory? Only that the league, despite wins against up-and-coming or reloading NFC squads, is providing a challenge and not a history lesson.

"Don't ever get it twisted; We know that we were hired to work spot duty for a group of guys greedier than us. That's it. If or when we win a Lombardi Trophy, what will it mean? That we were the greatest team of all time for a year?

"No... it means that this team built upon the ideal of destroying that thought for 31 other squads and did so with a smile on it's face.

It's a cold hard fact but it's the truth, fine or no fine from the league."

For the Denver Broncos, this game seemed to be a testament to that fact.

Beginning with the Pythons uncharacteristically defering the ball to get field position in the 1st quarter, fans were privy to an air-show orchestrated by Quarterback Jay Cutler and Runningback Travis Henry. The scene was similar to most starts for the Pythons with the opposing team going long early to test their secondary as they tried to get the lead.

Fortunately for the Panhandlers, all the bluster was for naught as the Broncos had to settle for an astonishing 54-yard field goal against the wind.

"I knew they wanted to look at bombing it on us early, not a huge deal as all the other teams we've faced have done the same thing... but that Prater guy? Lady Luck definitely pushed that kick though for him."

Following the drive, Matt Prater promptly shanked his kickoff back to the Pythons, giving them excellent field position to work with.

Made up of Runningbacks J.D. Frazier, A.R. Boatang and Fullback Patrick Roth, the three-head rushing attack worked wonders for their team as the trio seemed unstoppable while gaining ground against a defense that some touted one of the best in the league at the time.

The end result for their efforts? A play-action, run-for-your life pass ran by none other than Marques Tuiasosopo; the same man who was benched early for his seemingly endless fascination with throwing interceptions...

...however, before a defender got close enough to crush his appendix, 'Tui' got the ball to a streaking Blake Kolumber for a touchdown.

Back on defense, the Pythons looked to keep the Broncos on the lower end of the scoring totem poll, rushing the passer with reckless intent as they forced an incomplete pass, a tackle for loss of yardage and the always fun, Quarterback Sack to end Denver's offensive run for the quarter.

"Just came in there untouched; I was like that dude from Ninja Gaiden on X-Box... slicing through to get at the QB.

-Good thing they don't allow katanas in American Football

Upon getting the ball back in the second quarter, J.D. Frazier got bit by the "Karma Fairy" for his comments said during the Green Bay game as A.R. Boatang was sidelined temporary with a minor injury. The prognosis? Elbow Bursitis, loss of a quarter of play.

Lamont Sanford, kicker for the Pythons made sure to get his team on the board again with a field goal soon afterward to make the game 10-3.

The defense fared slightly better as Jay Cutler threw not 1, not 2 but FIVE incompletes and was put on his a$$ again, turning the ball back over to the visiting team.

"Somebody better post up Brandon Marshall's face on some milk cartons...dude's disappeared out here!"

Finishing out the half was just more of the same for the Denver Broncos as Marques Tuiasosopo flipped on the "decent-to-great QB" switch, allowing A.R. Boatang and Patrick Roth to do their thing and hooking up again with Blake Kolumber for another offensive score, 17-3.

Coach JDizL's Half-Time Speech

Attention to detail is a funny thing gentlemen... if one doesn't believe in such a thing, society will either shun them or consider them to be 'free-spirited' and 'non-conforming.'

Those terms may seem like bullsh!t to most, including some of you but believe me, it's important.

By picking some of you poor souls of the bench on defense, we've set a precedent out there against Denver, men. That we're will to use whomever, wherever to make sure that no team scores on us again.

Yes, they've made a field goal but the newspapers have said that the Broncos were supposed to have a high-powered offense; that they were supposed to put up "at least 50" on you guys before halftime... I don't see that, do you?

Keep up the good work defense and maybe, just maybe, one of you will be looking at Defensive MVP honors again this week.

'Tui', I'm going to let you put in at least one more series of work in before Nixon goes in for the rest of the game; I want to see what the kid can do when the game's on an enemy field again.

Kolumber, you and Krul will swap sides on offense so he can get some catches in finally... I know it'll fxck with your numbers, but if you want to win... and possibly get signed by another team next season... you'll have to suck it up.

And as for you grunts on O-Line duty, keep up the good work also and I guarantee the finest steaks Colorado has to offer this evening when we win.

Hands in men, we've got a game to win!

In the 3rd Quarter, J.D. Frazier returned to the game despite team doctors wanting to rest him a little more and allow for A.R. Boatang and even Justise Hairston to get a few reps in his place.

Not so for the Runningback from Tabacco Road as he was quick to head in with a full head of steam... unfortuately the man wasn't ready yet as he failed to convert a 3rd and 2 play.

Undiscouraged, his Coach threw a rare challenge flag to dispute the placement by the referees in an effort to help his dinged-up player but to no avail.

On defense, Linebacker MGo Blue continued his reign of destruction against Denver as he recorded his third sack of the day.

We keep flushing Denver toward either side and it so happened that MGo Blue's there most of the time... couldn't hurt to take advantage of the situation a little.

-Little did he know of the hurt to come...or how many candybars he'd purchase.

But just as things were starting to look up again for the rag-tag bunch, reciever Brandon Marshall emerged from whatever cave he was hiding in to score a touchdown, weaving through 3 tackles to reach the endzone.

"There was a reason we were double-covering him all day... now you know why."

More of the same was in-store for the Panhandlers as a two-part whammy occured at the end of the 3rd and beginning of the 4th quarters:

All members of the Pythons Goalline defense had pitched a stand against the Broncos, earning a chorus of boos by the home crowd...which quickly turned to cheers on 4th down as Coach Shannahan decided to go for it.

The result? Runningback Travis Henry nearly walking in for a touchdown untouched, save for a bowled-over Zach Swarts.

"Their entire team was holding on that fxcking play... what else could you come up with to explain why I had no run support?"

The second part of the whammy occured when Pythons Safety Andre Brisita incurred a 15-yard penalty against his team, grabbing a facemask while trying to tackle one of the Broncos' recievers...

"I can't blame anyone out there but myself. The ref's saw something that no one else did and made the call; what am I going to do, cry about it? Whatever man."

But all the poor luck foisted upon the Pythons, one shining moment will be etched in the pantheons of Denver, Colorado forever.

Starting with back-up Tight End Tim Euhus' wise decision to let a Denver squib kick bounce right past him, on-route to going out of bounds, drawing all ire on the Home Team and earning a spot at the Pythons' 40-yard line.

Following Euhus' part of the plan, Quarterback Tuiasosopo, still in the game, bombed another pass to his reciever... this time to near-forgotten Team Captain Krulmichael.

"I'll take the YAC stats on this one... like playing Madden out here man!"

More hero work soon followed as J.D. Frazier with his bum elbow plowed through two defenders to get his team within firing distance as they were down by two with less than 20 seconds left on the clock... tick-tick tick-tick... Enter Lamont Sanford, man of the hour.

With no time left on the clock and the ball placed on the field by Ralph Nixon, Sanford booted his team to victory with a last-chance field goal.

"To be honest with you, I was thinking "fxck it, touchdown." I wasn't thinking about the team as much as myself but luckily Coach was and Sanford got us to 4 and 1."

"I need a smoke after than one... but like I said before, you can count on me when the chips are down."

Final Score: 20 - 19.

Coach DizL's Post-Game Speech

Frazier, you pull a stunt like that again and I'll put a permanent hurt on that bum elbow of yours... but bless ya for keeping us in this game for the most part.

Offense, good work. Defense, damn good work in the first half. MGo Blue, you need a damn medal.

Get ready for next week gentlemen... more work, less play means we all put the everyone in front of us into the ground.

I like that idea, don't you?

[JayDizzle04]

Re: Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

Python Players: "Play Me or Trade Me!"



-Courtesy of ESPN's Ed Werder

With the NFL Trade Deadline looming, the Panhandle Pythons are faced with a decision that plagues most teams in the league; temporary or not.

Do they dump players that otherwise aren't producing well or do they sell high on some of their best in hopes of getting a better return?

For some of the players on the team, the chance to prove that they fit in the league has been hampered by their coach's need to put the best he has on the field at one time; and it shows:

J.D. Frazier, star runningback for the Panhandlers, has almost totaled 100 carries alone compared to 2nd-string RB A.R. Boatang's 18. Dropping even further is rookie Justise Hairston with a whopping one carry despite multiple chances to rest other players when the Pythons were ahead in games.

Another disheartening figure lies within the recieving core as Blake Kolumber, a former trouble-maker on and off the field, is leading the pack with 4 touchdowns compared to supposed Team Captain Krulmichael's solo TD.


-Is Kolumber equal to the Cowboy's Terrell Owens? Some seem to think so.

When asked why they weren't figuring more into the Pythons' offense, #3 WR BDawg was paraphrased as saying:

...the coach [doesn't] know what he's doing. We're 4-and-1...and [I'm]...ready to shine [now]...not before...Coach asks me to [be]. [I'm angry that I'm not] ...getting the catches...[that I deserve].

His contemporary Sebastien Harrison declined to comment, slamming his door and driving off when asked "...why he his totals were less that most while he was making more money some of his teammates..."

Defensive ends Travis Jordison and Dan Borowski seemed upset at the notion that they were being left out of certain packages when playing against other teams on the field, quoting that:

...[It's] a stupid idea. We put our best out on the field and to have snide comments like that come from [other teammates]...[it] just degrades and embarasses [them]. [We think we] can do better than [them]... or on any other [team if asked].

-Most on the players feel a little left out these days

Whatever the case may be, it looks like trouble in the NFC for the Pythons.

[JayDizzle04]

Missed Opportunities

-AP

Playing in their "home" stadium has become somewhat of a good luck charm for the Panhandle Pythons six games into the season.

Never coming within 7 points of defeat whenever other teams had come calling, NFL fans across the country are starting to form their own theories as to why the team has such a hot streak.

Their passing game comes up more "famine" than "feast" at times, especially with the reins being handled by the turnover-prone Quarterback Marques Tuiasosopo. As for the running game, aside from the forgotten rookie Justise Hairston, it's impossible to pin who exactly gets the most carries in per week; furthermore, it may not even matter so much as when one player gets more touches, another tends to earn more yardage.

One thing is for sure though, whomever the Pythons face, the result usually leans in their favor.

Playing within the confines of the "Sunshine Dome," the team had to host a struggling Carolina Panthers squad treading water early at 2-3, hoping to get to .500 before mid-season; undeterred, the Panhandlers saw another opportunity to put a damper on their opponent's hopes.


-Dome Sweet Dome

Things looked hopeful indeed for Carolina, forcing a premature 3-and-out as the Pythons tested their rushing attack against the Panthers' front seven and Defensive End Julius Peppers.

Returning the favor, the Home Team defense put the breaks on their opponent's passing game, specifically with an interception by Team Captain Bringin Pain.

After a quick field goal by Kicker Lamont Sanford, the Python defense continued their squeeze as Cornerback Heelwxman put the clamps on the left side of the field while he fellow defensive front seven began to make mincemeat out of Carolina's DeAngelo Williams.

"We won't take any team in the NFC for granted after than early loss to Chicago and damn near giving the game to Denver. Regardless of what the papers or the stats say about Carolina, it's about what you do on the field that counts."

Luckily we're doing a hell of a lot better right now."

Unfortunately, the latter portion of the preceding quote came back to bite Coach DizL as Cornerback Heelswxman was on the wrong end of an 86-yard bomb to Panther receiver D.J. Hackett, choosing instead to cover the flats at the time.

"For a lot of coaches like myself, it's infuriating to see stuff like this happen. The man's by no means a scrub player and if I know him like I think I do, he'll correct this error.

...if he doesn't, I'm sure Dope Nose or Garvella will be more than happy to move up a Depth Chart spot."

The Panthers stuck to their guns to end the first quarter as Marques Tuiasosopo took a sack early due to Left Tackle Charles Spencer and the rest of the Pythons O-Line being unable to make proper adjustments against the pass rush.

Following the bad play of the offense, the defense stepped up their game (as they've been prone to do) to get the ball back into their counterpart's hands; During a series that ended with a play-action call, Defensive End Jay Burton and Linebacker Bringin Pain teamed up to strip the ball from opposing QB Jake Delhomme.

However, it would be the Special Teams Unit that would put more points on the board for the Panhandlers as Tuiasosospo reared his mistake-prone play and cost his team a touchdown drive... we here in the pressbox couldn't hear ourselves type as a thundering chorus of boos showered Kicker Sanford even though he was one of the top scorers for the team and best kickers in the NFL as of this writing...

...Sanford silenced his "fans" by crushing a 57-yarder right between the uprights.

"Two words for my future team GMs: 'Franchise' 'Tag'"

On the ensuing kickoff, back-up Strong Safety and Special Team stalwart Brandon Harrison made his mark on the day, forcing yet another turnover against Carolina with Defensive Back Heelswxman retrieving the ball for his team.

Tuiasosopo would follow up with another aborted drive, forcing his coach to settle for 3 points again and making his defense do all the heavy lifting by default.

Cornerback Dope Nose would help shoulder that load going into the half as he blanketed Carolina Reciever Steve Smith, allowing for a botched field goal by kicker John Kasay.

Coach DizL's Halftime Speech

A wise man once said that "...in the face of adversity, one must muster the courage to face his enemies in battle regardless of consequence."

The consequence here gentlemen is that our offense is yet again pulling their "Jekel and Hyde" routine for the season... now I can't make any of you want to win out there, nor can I force a miraculous performance out of a piss-poor job against simple defensive coverages.

The Panthers aren't gods on that field and neither are the other teams we've faced or will face and it will take your COURAGE to prove that point...

Tui, you are the living epitomy of what this team does NOT want when going forward. You're selfish when it comes to holding onto the ball when you know your check-down man is open; you simply refuse to stick to your routes when faced with less than a full pass rush, if any; and further more, you neglect your other recievers when they are killing themselves to get open.

If it were up to me, I'd put Nixon in there and be done with it but the Front Office here...they want to keep you in because your play puts butts in the seats; so if I were you, I'd shape the fuck up before the game clock hits triple-zeroes tonight OR ELSE.

Defense, you know what letting too many touchdowns go by your heads will do to your playtime here. Don't let it happen again if you can help it.

Help each other gentlemen and you will face the Panther adversity and hopefully...no, I GUARANTEE your combined courage will tender positive consequence.

Now put your hands in and get yourselves that win.

Mirroring the dying minutes of the second quarter, Heelswxman showed up again, this time putting his shoulder to good use as the now-fatigued DeAngelo Williams coughed up the ball yet again. Linebacker Jorge Cordova was sure in adding to his defensive totals, scooping up the loose football.


-Not shown: Williams' fumbling tendency when looked at funny...

Uncharacteristically getting his team within spitting distance of the goalline, Tuiasosopo was sure to hand the ball to lead rusher J.D. Frazier as the runningback skirted past the Panther defense for six...

...points made possible by little known reciever BDawg catching within the Carolina 1-yardline.

"You see this a million times in pracitice and on the tapes we study in the film room. Perservance pays off in the end... like when I get my shoe deal come the Pro Bowl this year.

I can't wait."

Getting the ball back wasn't too tall of an order for Safety Andre Brisita as he easily leapt 5 feet in the air (with some exaggeration) to swat down a pass to Dwayne Jarrett, former reciever from the USC Trojans.

But like clockwork, the offensive woes remained the same as Reciever BDawg was on the wrong end of a 3-on-1 mugging by the Panther secondary, victimized while trying to catch a touchdown.

Having seen enough after Sanford put the team ahead 22-to-7, Quarterback Ralph Nixon was sent in to "spell" Tuiasosopo. Following suit were back-ups and second-stringers A.R. Boatang, Sebastian Harrison, Joel Filani, and Chris Hannon to take over for the rest of the game.

"There's not a worse phrase in the Football Dictionary than 'Garbage Time' but that's basically what the rest of this game amounts to as long as the Defense can keep going for the rest of the game.

If it gets too bad for Carolina, I might put Garvella on Steve Smith and watch them go at it."

Having enough with contributing to the poor offense of his team, DeAngelo Williams decided to go off against the Pythons defense, scoring six with a little help of some strategic blocks and uncalled holds by his lineman by the end of the third quarter.

Reciever Sebastian Harrison would bobble his chances at getting on the Panhandler's stat sheet at the start of the 4th quarter, citing "rustiness from not being on the field" and "anxiety" as the cause.

The poor luck wouldn't stop for the Pythons as Ralph Nixon threw an ill-advised pass right to Cornerback Chris Gamble for a go-ahead INT Touchdown... but the celebration would be delayed as Dope Nose took it upon himself to stop DeAngelo Williams on a two-point conversion try.

"I don't make that tackle and we're looking as Denver all over again... I still don't sleep at night because of that shit."

Teammate and back-up Runningback A.R. Boatang would find little sleep of his own for the evening, rejuvenating his offense with a more successful version of the "Tui-to-Frazier Connection," streaking toward the endzone within two plays... the second for a touchdown as Nixon bombed it to him.

The defense would take over for the remainder of the game as Defensive End Jay Burton displayed his talent for hurting people by sacking Delhomme for a loss just before the 2-minute warning.

"It's feast or famine out here with my boys on the Front Seven. Wouldn't have it any other way...aside from getting more tackles for losses."

Not to be outdone, Defensive Tackle Shaun Nua dropped back into coverage against the Panthers' passing game, swatting any semblance of a reception away from Tight End Kyle Brady.

"Guy's fast enough to play DT, DE and damn near LB if he wanted... you gonna tell him 'he can't'?"

Carolina would help to do themselves in with an uncommon fumble by Steve Smith and poor clock management as Coach Jay DizL capitalized on the Panthers using their last timeout.

With :03 left on the game clock, Carolina could not get back to their line in time to get a final play off.


-A moment of silence for John Fox's horrible luck

Final Score - 32-23.

Coach DizL's Post-Game Speech

It takes a strong man to admit when he's defeated, even in victory men...

The media, ESPN and the rest of the sporting world will see today as a victory for us; merchandise will sell even higher now; and there's no doubt in my mind that some 10-year-old punk kid out there is thinking that he wants to be the next "Heelswxman."

But you all better look in the mirror guys, specifically those on offense today, because Thirty-two to Twenty-three doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot when more than half your total comes from your kicker.

I will not apologize to the head office when they ask me why Blake Kolumber and "Team Captain" Krulmichael can't get more passes thrown their way because we all know the answer why...

Tui, you're here by benched until further notice and if you want to argue that fact, you can write to the team owner because I have never seen such shitty play come from that many Red Zone chances... hell, from that many turnovers!

The defense, despite Hackett's bomb, produced ten times the effort today and you just refused to take a part of their success.

I hope you learn something because the Seahawks won't be so giving... to any of you.

Now hit the showers and get ready to practice later on this week.

[JayDizzle04]

Terms of Endearment

-AP

Despite the public rumblings from the locker room, the Panhandle Pythons continued their winning ways this past week; a sure sign that things were looking up.

Or were they?

Sources from within the organization confirmed just yesterday that the Panhandle Pythons plan to sit beleaguered quarterback Marques Tuiasosopo despite the majority of his efforts resulting in wins.

When asked to comment, the team's gunslinger replied only with:

"I've always been a part of my team through thick and thin and this is the thanks I get. I have to tell you that despite what others might think, I've been a prime candidate to lead other teams in this league and no one here was smart enough to capitalize.

If this team wants to continue to win, they know where to find me... especially if they come with the checkbook because from this day forward, if the Panhandle Pythons want Marques Tuiasosopo to play for them, it'll cost them."

While not surprising in the least by some more cynical viewers of the NFL, Tuiasosopo will have to wait until the end of the season or until he's cut from the team if he want another shot someplace else.

It's been also said that Team Captain and #1 reciever Krulmichael has been making waves within the Owner, specifying that he hasn't gotten enough attention on the field as of late.


-Old news?

Statistically, he'll get no argument as his Coach and playing staff have stuck to a "run more, pass when needed" style on Sundays, with more touches going to the runningbacks.

When questioned about his recent disappointment in the team, Krulmichael's new agent and renowned stickler Drew Rosenhaus stood in and remarked:

"Both sides are very aware of my client's talent and it is an unfortunate circumstance for it to come to this. I only want what's best for him and as such, we are currently under new negotiations with the Team's President and the Team's Owner as we speak.

We can not currently address the terms of said negotiations but what I can inform you all with is that Mr. Krulmichael will get the spotlight and reward that he so richly deserves.

Whatever the case maybe, if the Pythons keep on pace with controversy after controversy, they may just become the new "America's Team."


-May need to get this fitted in black and green soon...

[JayDizzle04]

Re: Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

TNT

-AP

Week 7 arrives with the prospect of a explosive matchup in the NFC... 4-and-1 Seattle comes into town to face a 5-and-1-and-angry Panhandle Pythons squad.

Boasting only two losses between each other, the road to the mid-season sees both teams' defenses looking to shut down their opponent's main strength early.

For the Seahawks, it may be as simple as containing head runningback J.D. Frazier as he continues to dazzle with his smashmouth style and no-nonsense attitude to the game. Of course, even if that were to happen, there's still the possibility of either Fullback Patrick Roth or Backup A.R. Boatang picking up the slack with their talents in rushing and recieving from any point on the field.

For the Pythons, they simply have to face the 7th ranked defense in the league; one that's stifled the streaking five-and-one San Francisco 49ers to just 6 points in Week 2 and took the wind from the defending Super Bowl Champions' sails, leaving the New York Giants at just 17.

When quoted from a recent team practice, Team Captain and Middle Linebacker Lofa Tatupu had said that:

"We know what we're getting into with these guys. They're fast, tough when needed to be and can put a quarterback's lights out quickly.

What I will say is that I wish to send my condolences out early to the family of Mr. J.D. Frazier.

Even though he has earned some respect within the Seattle lockerroom, it will be most unfortunate when I send him off the field in seperate bags.

-Ralph Nixon isn't looking forward to this...

In rebuttal, team Free Safety and Verbal Loose Cannon Andre Brisita was more than adamant to share his thoughts:

"I just want to say two things right now: One, to all the dudes in the lockerroom that think they are better than the whole of this team... we don't need you and we don't want you.

Two, I guarantee that if anyone's leaving in a bag this Sunday, it'll be the 11 guys in the sea green and white unis on the other side of the field."

Here's hoping that the two sides can settle their difference on/off the field because it looks like this one may spill over into an early playoff brawl come the post-season.

[JayDizzle04]

Got a Plan B?

-AP

Hyped as one of the early "must-see" NFC match-ups this season, the confrontation between the visiting Seattle Seahawks and the Panhandle Pythons had left much to the imagination.

Seattle, like the Pythons, was more known for their defensive prowess moreso than offense, touting a squad within the NFL's Top-10. Likewise, the Panhandlers were holding their own for the time being with top honors in collective categories of run and pass defense; statistically at least.

This started as usual for the Pythons, taking out most of their frustrations from the week on their opponent's quarterback with Defensive Tackle Jack Kidd forcing and recovering a fumble from QB Matt Hasselbeck.

Kidd's offensive counterparts were sure not to let his efforts go to waste, taking a short drive into the endzone... but not without an early snag: According one of the head officials, Reciever Blake Kolumber had fumbled the ball at the Seahawks one-yard line while trying to maintain possession... luckily, the quick thinking of the team's coach had led to an overturning of the same call, leading to a J.D. Frazier touchdown.

"By most accounts, what I did was WAY too early in the game to even consider but against an opponent like Seattle, I wasn't going to give them a shot at the game just yet.

Plus, I'm sure a bookie or two would have collected at least a grand had I not thrown that flag, so... heh."

Back on the defensive side, things continued to go great as Jay Burton, Defensive End for the Pythons, bulldozed his way through Seattle's O-Linemen on the way to putting their quarterback onto the turf.

Finishing the 1st Quarter however would prove tough as new starting QB Ralph Nixon was put through his paces early, failing to convert a 3rd-and-4 passing attempt as his Tight End Dominique Byrd couldn't hold onto the ball.

"Right now, Coach has me looking for short-yardage situations that'll eventually get their safeties to move up a bit... it sucks that Krulmichael and Kolumber have to practically run sprints three, four times a shot but the rewards should even things out."

Things wouldn't come up roses starting in the 2nd Quarter as well with new Seahawks acquisition Julius Jones tearing up the field on an 83-yard run to tie things up early, 7-7.


-Julius Jones, thinking of how he'll embarass the Pythons...

"I'll take the blame for that one. I told our linebackers to play mid-level coverage when any fool would see they were running it. The speed differences between our second level defense and their Runningbacks aren't comparable in situations like that."

Coach Jay DizL managed to foul up his play calling on the offensive side of the ball as well, mixing signals with his Quarterback Nixon, stalling a drive with a delay-of-game penalty.

But true to most games, the defense would be up to the task of carrying their team as the Pythons shored up against the Seahawks' insistance at the "run-play, run-play, passing down" method of play calling, stifling Julius Jones and shutting down a bomb to Seattle Wide Reciever Bobby Engram...

"I saw that Andre [Brisita] was hauling a$$ from half-way across the field but still was going to get into coverage... so I just jumped and tipped it away."

The Pythons would be so lucky during the next Seattle drive as the Seahawks opened to the Play-Action page in the playbook, bombing it to a wide-open Deion Branch for a touchdown. Perplexed by a simple flood play, it took the Panhandler's secondary a second too long to notice the gap Branch had slipped though.

"I knew that if we kept plugging away, they'd probably crack. We've watched their defense on tape against a lot of other passing defenses and they've gotten to same result.

Not that I don't want them to worry about me scoring a touchdown on every play or anything."

"We're going to have to mix-up some better passing coverages because the right side of the field is like a big bulls-eye to these guys.

We could probably put Hasselbeck on his a$$ for the rest of the game but it wouldn't matter if Brisita, Nose or Swarts are pissing their pants at the thought of having to run down the field all game long."

The Pythons wouldn't have to worry about it too long as their defense to the game into halftime, pummeling Seattle Fullback Leonard Weaver following a field goal by Kicker Lamont Sanford.

Coach DizL's Half-Time Speech

Our faith has been called into question here men.

We're down by four despite their best efforts to keep us down and our efforts to keep us up on the board. This cannot stand gentlemen and I think you all know what time it is when situations like this occur...

It's the time to dig deep despite what you may think about yourselves and each other because that logo on your helmet means a hell of a lot more to us then the 31 other teams in this league; to the commissioner who never thought you'd even make it this far; and to those mooks in the stands that drove all the way down here to see their team kick your a$$.

You can't let that logo down because when you put on your pads and strap on those helmets, it's what you represent out there... a mean, angry-as-all-hell snake that's ready to strike.

That's ready to choke the life out of the world around it if it means food on the table and stability for themselves.

Now I want you to keep plugging away at those sorry bastards for the rest of this game until they can't stand it anymore... then I want you to show them what it means when you disrespect our faith...in yourselves, your team and that symbol each of you carry on the field.

Hands in gentlemen... give'em hell!

Coming into the second half, the Pythons focused on gaining field position through the air, hitting recievers on short routes until the Seattle secondary caught wise on a passing attempt to Wide Reciever BDawg, batting it away.

Defensively, it was a little less 'bat' and lot more 'catch' as Defensive End Jay Burton shown that he was all business; business that included a little freelancing as he ignored an assignment to gain an interception for his team.

Like Shaun Nua before him, Burton broke any misconceptions as to what he was athletically-able to do with his INT.

"If we're going to win, we gotta step up like Coach told us at halftime... I'm also stoked about getting that INT right now."

Athletically, the offense couldn't say the same on the following drive as QB Ralph Nixon overthrew Krulmichael, Team Captain and Receiver, a little too much, leading to a Seattle interception as the quarterback became even more frustrated with the Seahawks' passing defense.

Following the pick, Julius Jones was sure to capitalize on the Pythons' mistake a little more as his team seemed unstoppable driving down the field; to make matters worse, Safety Andre Brisita led to his opponents gaining even more yardage as he was called for a 15-Yard Facemask Penalty... the score now being 21-10.

But like all great fights in sporting history, you can never count out any team until the final second as Tim Euhus, #2 Tight End for the Pythons, started the team's comeback with touchdown of his own with the help of running mates A.R. Boatang and J.D. Frazier.

"Originally, Euhus was brought in to supplement Byrd when we use either for passing downs, Euhus himself ended up blocking instead.

Still, it's nice seeing the guy get his due once in a while."

With less than five minutes away from their second loss of the regular season, the Pythons finally decided to let the foot off the brakes as Matt Hasselbeck was met by the same onslaught first seen at the beginning of the game; One sack and a few tackles behind the Seattle Line-of-Scrimmage and the defense forced their opponent to punt once more.

Looking to gain even more recognition, Reciever Blake Kolumber proved to be the tipping point offensively as he hauled in a catch for the Pythons, putting them ahead for only the second time in the game... A feat punctuated only by an eerily similar pass interference call to the one Free Safety Brisita had gotten earlier by Seattle DB Marcus Trufant.

"Like I said before, you gotta see how I do on the field before you judge anything else... I might as well be the best damn reciever in the league at this point.

If not that, at least say that Frazier and Boatang are the best 1-2 punch running out there."

Trying to steal the game back, Matt Hasselbeck was soon to realize the growing potential of an NFC Playoff Showdown as Defensive Tackle Jack Kidd lowered the boom once more, annihilating any hope of a comeback for the Seahawks with :02 remaining in the game.


-Matt Hasselbeck's not happy about "the one that got away."


When asked on his thoughts about what had transpired, Hasselbeck made it known that:

"[The Seahawks] can't blame anyone but ourselves. We had them dead-to-rights and they just came back to take the game away from us. All that's left is the handshakes and the shows of respect...

Until we get them back in the Playoffs that is."

The Pythons? Not so congenial as noticed by Star Runningbacks J.D. Frazier and A.R. Boatang:

"Boatang can run all day. Rain, snow, mud, Boatang beat all. Now Boatang need ice and Gatorade..."

"I'm not going to say it's hard getting those yards down there but if you want to be in the Hall of Fame, you gotta at least make it look like you're putting in effort..."

Final Score: 24 - 21

Coach DizL's Post Game Speech

"Men, the hell you've just went through was excruciating... 5-and-1, the Seahawks coming in here and breathing down your necks with a win on their minds...

...and what do you do? You beat'em. You take away their psychological edge that they had coming into the half and you break that down with drive-after-drive.

Like I said, all you need to do is keep plugging away and you'll win. Simple as that.

Defense, particularly the Front 7... you've shown character when Julius Jones was spitting in your face and making a name for himself out there. You showed him no quit, no quarter in the end and I'm proud of you.

Nixon... you're ready to lead this team from what I've seen tonight. With a little more seasoning, you might find a seat in Canton someday.

Get ready for Dallas because T.O. loves him some him and he's willing to show you just how much... So Heelswxman and Dope Nose, get your popcorn ready. You've got a lot of film to watch.

[JayDizzle04]

Re: Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

Krulmichael Does Dallas?

-AP

If Jerry Jones had his way, he'd build another Super Team from the best that the league had to offer...

An unflappable quarterback that yields to no amount of pressure; a warrior of a runningback that would gladly run in-between the tackles if it meant getting his team and extra yard; and a wide receiver that catches the football no matter how high, how far and how fast you throw it.


-He got the Eagles to the Promised Land, why not the Cowboys?

...sound familiar? We didn't think so.

Jerry Jones' current team, the Dallas Cowboys if you've been living under a rock, hasn't won a playoff game since their stint as Super Bowl Juggernauts in the mid-nineties; Not that there was lack of trying.

New head coaches, a revolving door of quarterbacks and roster choices that would make even the shrewdest Madden player shake their head in disgust.

So what would it take to bring the once-unbeatable team back from obscurity?

According to inside sources with the organization, Mr. Jones himself wants the almost ghostlike Pythons receiver, Krulmichael on his pre-paid squad.

Knowing that they would have to wait until the offseason to pull such a feat, one would think that the Team Captain could step up his "A-Game" this weekend; especially if he doesn't want to buck the "pay-for-play" mentality that's plagued the Cowboys for years.


-This was before he made Bill Parcells eat a can of dog food...through a straw.

T.icked O.ff

-AP, as per interview previously conducted with Cowboys Wide Reciever, Terrell Owens

"I just want to get the word out that the Dallas Cowboys are looking to add another receiver to our organization.

We've got plenty of talent here in Texas and there's no reason to believe that there would be "a change in chemistry" to disrupt that.

...now what's got me all twisted is the stories I've been hearing about this "Krulmichael" possibly coming there to take one of our [Ed. Note - Read: His] spots?


-This could be Krulmichael in a year...

Dude's not even the best receiver on his own team and he thinks that he may have a shot here... well, let him know that I'm putting out a challenge for our game this weekend:

Touchdown versus Touchdown, me versus him, until the game's over... simple as that.

I don't care if my boy Jerry knows it, I don't care if ESPN throws up 20 news stories about it; I want Krulmichael to know that by the end of the day that he isn't good enough for the Cowboys...

Wait, no... he's not good enough for the league."