Concerned Father question

[Sancheezy]

Any of you know how i could go about restricting access to websites like Myspace, and xanga from my home computer?

I have a 13 year old stepdaughter who is a little to obsessed with those places, and i think i need to keep her and her friends off it while at my house.

I know they cant use it at school, and she is about to be too busy with track and softball to go anywhere else and use it. I just wanna be sure its not used at my house. I got on her page the other day and i was shocked and some of the stuff i saw on her friends pages, and hers to say the least.

[Shaver]

Re: Concerned Father question

My only advice, as a Step-Parent to a daughter who is now 19, is that by restricting it... you're just going to make her want to do it more. I'm not saying allow it. I'm simply saying setup ground rules.

[shugknight]

Re: Concerned Father question

Yes I agree with Clay. Although I'm not a parent, I do work with little kids. And I have seen this many times. I would say just talk to her about a reasonable amount of time that she can go on those sites. Instead of restricting her from going on to those sites, just limit the time she goes on. That way she can still go on, but not as often as you would like her to be. No matter what you do, kids will always find a way to get onto myspace or xanga.

[Sancheezy]

Re: Concerned Father question

yeah, i guess you are right. I figured with the computer in my video game area we'd be able to monitor it. but its like everytime my wife and i come down the stairs or through the garage she clicks off.

I guess ill just move it to a more visible area so i can keep track of it. And make sure to have a talk with her, about the perils of giving any info or posting pics that freaky old men who want to do harm to her will enjoy.

[Smokey]

Re: Concerned Father question

I agree with Clay also. You will only make things worse. And to be honest, there are a lot worse thing she could be doing than going on Myspace etc... Just be happy she isn't on the pipe.

[born_bad]

Re: Concerned Father question

Lol... I love how the advice is "just let your kid did whatever they want because telling her 'no' makes it worse."

Where do you draw the line with that? Do you sit there and let her go on porn sites because telling her not to will make it worse? Do you sit there and let her enter in her name, address, and social security number into suspicious websites because telling her not to will only make her more curious about it? Unfortunately, a lot of parents don't draw a line with that and that is the philosophy in general. That's awful.

I'm married and don't have any kids yet, but my wife and I are already discussing how we want to handle certain issues. A kid and a computer is one of them. The first thing we decided is that the kid will never have a computer in their room. Any computer being used needs to be in a room where it's out in the open and everything can be seen. That will likely help. Granted, you can't be over their shoulder the whole time, but it definitely would help cut down on them going to websites they don't want to be caught on, if there's a chance you're going to walk by and see at any time.

Also, if our kid has a Myspace page or something similar, I wouldn't think twice to have the kid show me their profile regularly. I guarantee that would cut down on anything they'd be embarrassed or get in trouble for having on there being on there. Some people might say that's infringing on the kids' privacy rights or some lame excuse like that. I don't buy it. It's your *job* to monitor what your kids are doing to protect them, so their "privacy rights" are limited at best. I'm not implying you need to be some maniacal dictator constantly going through your kids stuff, but looking at your kids profile on a website doesn't violate anything, in my opinion.

I heard this somewhere before and believe it to be true, too - would you allow your kid to be alone with a million strangers? That's basically what the internet is, so if you let them go on sites like that by themselves all the time, you're basically throwing them in a room with a ton of strangers and hoping for the best. I wouldn't take those odds that they're not going to come across some sick people, so I would pay a lot more attention.

So, my advice wouldn't be to lock or ban her from the website, but definitely have the computer out in the open and ask her to see her profile. You don't have to do it in an authoritative, "LET ME SEE YOUR PROFILE!" kind of manner. Just act curious about it and ask her to check it out.

[Shaver]

Re: Concerned Father question

Lol... I love how the advice is "just let your kid did whatever they want because telling her 'no' makes it worse."

Where do you draw the line with that? Do you sit there and let her go on porn sites because telling her not to will make it worse? Do you sit there and let her enter in her name, address, and social security number into suspicious websites because telling her not to will only make her more curious about it? Unfortunately, a lot of parents don't draw a line with that and that is the philosophy in general. That's awful.

I'm married and don't have any kids yet, but my wife and I are already discussing how we want to handle certain issues. A kid and a computer is one of them. The first thing we decided is that the kid will never have a computer in their room. Any computer being used needs to be in a room where it's out in the open and everything can be seen. That will likely help. Granted, you can't be over their shoulder the whole time, but it definitely would help cut down on them going to websites they don't want to be caught on, if there's a chance you're going to walk by and see at any time.

Also, if our kid has a Myspace page or something similar, I wouldn't think twice to have the kid show me their profile regularly. I guarantee that would cut down on anything they'd be embarrassed or get in trouble for having on there being on there. Some people might say that's infringing on the kids' privacy rights or some lame excuse like that. I don't buy it. It's your *job* to monitor what your kids are doing to protect them, so their "privacy rights" are limited at best. I'm not implying you need to be some maniacal dictator constantly going through your kids stuff, but looking at your kids profile on a website doesn't violate anything, in my opinion.

I heard this somewhere before and believe it to be true, too - would you allow your kid to be alone with a million strangers? That's basically what the internet is, so if you let them go on sites like that by themselves all the time, you're basically throwing them in a room with a ton of strangers and hoping for the best. I wouldn't take those odds that they're not going to come across some sick people, so I would pay a lot more attention.

So, my advice wouldn't be to lock or ban her from the website, but definitely have the computer out in the open and ask her to see her profile. You don't have to do it in an authoritative, "LET ME SEE YOUR PROFILE!" kind of manner. Just act curious about it and ask her to check it out.

Good luck on that person with no children.

Then let me know how that works out when your kid shows you the profile that she/he wants you to see and not the one she actually uses.

With all due respect... raise a child... then have an opinion.

[Cebby]

Re: Concerned Father question

I'm married and don't have any kids yet, but my wife and I are already discussing how we want to handle certain issues. A kid and a computer is one of them. The first thing we decided is that the kid will never have a computer in their room. Any computer being used needs to be in a room where it's out in the open and everything can be seen. That will likely help. Granted, you can't be over their shoulder the whole time, but it definitely would help cut down on them going to websites they don't want to be caught on, if there's a chance you're going to walk by and see at any time.

Also, if our kid has a Myspace page or something similar, I wouldn't think twice to have the kid show me their profile regularly. I guarantee that would cut down on anything they'd be embarrassed or get in trouble for having on there being on there. Some people might say that's infringing on the kids' privacy rights or some lame excuse like that. I don't buy it. It's your *job* to monitor what your kids are doing to protect them, so their "privacy rights" are limited at best. I'm not implying you need to be some maniacal dictator constantly going through your kids stuff, but looking at your kids profile on a website doesn't violate anything, in my opinion.

It's easy to say that now. And I'm sure when you tell your child "no" she will always listen. And your kid will be punished harsh if he/she gets less than straight As. Your kid will never do drugs or drink anything but communion wine before he/she's 21. And then your kid will go to college on a sports/academic scholarship and get a job with a 6 figure salary.

[Shaver]

Re: Concerned Father question

I apologize if my post above was harsh... but I'm sorry... if you don't have kids you CAN NOT understand. PERIOD.

I don't take Guitar lessons from someone who's never touched a guitar. I don't take driving tips from someone who has never drove. Theory is great for college lecture halls... but it ain't real life.

[bigfnjoe96]

Re: Concerned Father question

I have a 13 year old Step-Son. He's also into myspace & some other websites. We do our best to limit his computer time during school days & weekends. We've also talked to him about the dangers of such places & his interaction with strangers over the net.

My fiance now has him watching some show on NBC, that puts e-pervs on blast, so he can see what are some of things he needs to watch out for when he's on the net.

Language, user approaches things like that, which can alert him that the other user might not legit. I think CLAY is right. Saying NO INTERNET, could lead your step-daughter to be rebellious, which isn't good for your relationship with her.

I know it's not easy when we are the Step-Parent, but letting her know you care & are only looking-out for her well-being is a good way to start

[Skerik]

Re: Concerned Father question

I don't have kids, but I was one. If your child is closing internet windows whenever you walk by, that's cause for alarm. While I agree with the statements that kids will find ways to accomplish things they want to do if you curtail their freedoms at home, I also strongly disagree with the "grin and bear it" approach that many are advocating. This kid is 13 - it's not like you're trying to give an adult a curfew or something. If more 13 year girls had their parents looking after them as you're attempting to do, we'd probably have a lot fewer whores running around than we do currently.

It's easy to make a child think they have freedoms, while at the same time monitoring what they're doing online via programs that log their website activity and are completely traceless (to them) while they're on the computer. I would adopt an approach like that and give them perceived freedom while monitoring their activities. If you see something amiss, don't confront them in an "I caught you" fashion, but become more involved with their activities while discussing the potential harm that could come from them.

The last thing you want to do is treat places like MySpace as "forbidden fruit." Because, speaking from experience, that will most definitely result in an increased desire on her part to experiment with it.

[sva91]

Re: Concerned Father question

I have a 14 year old brother and he uses myspace quite a bit. I would say as long as you have guidelines and know who he hangs out with you should be ok. My parents usually would rather have friends over at our place rather than having us go to other peoples houses. This allows you to get to know your daughter's friends and know where your child is at. Just make sure you give them their space when your daughters friends are over.

[BSanders]

Re: Concerned Father question

I have kids and I have the computer for them in the living room where everything can be monitored, I know people will say they should have their privacy... NOPE! I think sacrificing privacy for knowing what you kids are doing on the computer is a no brainer. That's no different than me saying I know you smoke crack but if you do out of my sight it's ok... The only advice I can give would be to talk to your kids and explain what's on the internet and chatting with people would need your approval so make your best judgement and don't be one of those parents, If I don't see it it's not happening or it's a learning experience. Watch perverted justice do you want one of those sick perves talking to your kid or any kid? G'luck though it's always a challenge to balance.

[Sancheezy]

Re: Concerned Father question

I have a 13 year old Step-Son. He's also into myspace & some other websites. We do our best to limit his computer time during school days & weekends. We've also talked to him about the dangers of such places & his interaction with strangers over the net.

My fiance now has him watching some show on NBC, that puts e-pervs on blast, so he can see what are some of things he needs to watch out for when he's on the net.

Language, user approaches things like that, which can alert him that the other user might not legit. I think CLAY is right. Saying NO INTERNET, could lead your step-daughter to be rebellious, which isn't good for your relationship with her.

I know it's not easy when we are the Step-Parent, but letting her know you care & are only looking-out for her well-being is a good way to start

yeah thats what i do know. she has to have the chores done before she can get on and had to be off by 9, so thats about an hour of two of net time. It is real hard for me cause i know what boys were like when i was their age, and we didnt have the net, im 31 by the way, its only worse now with the net.

And with me its just you dont know who is out there, and i too make her watch the Chris Hanson specials. I just feel bad that kids cant be kids anymore

[Dice]

Re: Concerned Father question

I apologize if my post above was harsh... but I'm sorry... if you don't have kids you CAN NOT understand. PERIOD.

I don't take Guitar lessons from someone who's never touched a guitar. I don't take driving tips from someone who has never drove. Theory is great for college lecture halls... but it ain't real life.

I thought he brought up some great points. Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean that your opinoin is worhtless. We were all kids at one point so we should have an idea of how kids are raised. It's true that SOME of the best advise should come from a person who's done it before. BUT rest assured, I know people with kids and I would not take any of there advice in regards to raising kids. Most people who are professionals counselors have probably never experienced what they are counseling about.

It's always good to hear from different points of view. As long as it sounds intelligent and reasonable.