Concerned Father question

[Sancheezy]

Re: Concerned Father question

And you know about the kids friend thing, i would love for her friends to come over. We always say if you want to do more stuff i need to know who you are with, and who their parents are. That way i can get to the responsible adult if something is wrong. Ive decided that i will move the computer to position in my basement where it can easily be seen by me when we are watching tv or im throwing 17 strikeout games with Gil meche and still losing to TJ. ( LOL)

I do want to thank you fellas though for your advice. Its tough being a dad let alone a stepdad of a teenager.

[Shaver]

Re: Concerned Father question

I don't have kids, but I was one. If your child is closing internet windows whenever you walk by, that's cause for alarm. While I agree with the statements that kids will find ways to accomplish things they want to do if you curtail their freedoms at home, I also strongly disagree with the "grin and bear it" approach that many are advocating. This kid is 13 - it's not like you're trying to give an adult a curfew or something. If more 13 year girls had their parents looking after them as you're attempting to do, we'd probably have a lot fewer whores running around than we do currently.

I don't think anyone is suggesting a "grin and bear" it style of parenting. Not forbidding it does not mean allowing it... it means establishing groundrules.

I thought he brought up some great points. Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean that your opinoin is worhtless. We were all kids at one point so we should have an idea of how kids are raised. It's true that SOME of the best advise should come from a person who's done it before. BUT rest assured, I know people with kids and I would not take any of there advice in regards to raising kids. Most people who are professionals counselors have probably never experienced what they are counseling about.

It's always good to hear from different points of view. As long as it sounds intelligent and reasonable.

While we can agree to disagree... I will further expound on my point sayng very few people in this country truly understand the power that children have in our society. Unfortunately our society and things like the internet are raising an exceptionally savvy and self-important generation of children that know how to manipulate to lead their lives how they choose to lead it.

But, the bottom line is... I'm almost 34 years old... it wasn't THAT many years ago that I was 13-14. I didn't have MySpace... I had drinking... smoking... pot... sex.... things that I was going to find a way to do regardless of what my parents said. Is that OK? Is that good? Did my parents WANT me doing that? Of course not. But, if they forbode me to do it, would I have done it anyway? Yep. Would I have found sneakier and move unsavory ways to do it? Yep.

My daughters are 7 & 5... do I want them posting topless pics (ala American Idol) on MySpace in 10 years... NO. Will they? I sure as hell hope not. But, me not allowing them to have supervised access to the 'net is not going to prevent it.

[Money99]

Re: Concerned Father question

My only advice, as a Step-Parent to a daughter who is now 19, is that by restricting it... you're just going to make her want to do it more. I'm not saying allow it. I'm simply saying setup ground rules.

I think that's great advice!

A former manager of mine had a 9 year old boy that was obsessed with wrestling. He loved it. That's not a big deal but she found out that he was allowing other boys from his school to do crazy wrestling moves on him during recess. Since he was a lot smaller than other kids his age, his size allowed them to perform them on him.
The boy didn't think anything of it but my manager was horrified, worrying about him getting hurt.
Rather than just yell at him or get angry or scared about the situation she had him read a number of articles about other kids that got seriously hurt from doing the same thing. She said that by letting him educate himself he was able to form a decision on his own to stop the roughhousing at school. (or at least deminish it to only safe wrestling moves).

The same could be applied here. Maybe you could show her articles or news clippings about online predators or other dangers that exist on the internet. She'll be able to form her own conclusions. At least she'll be safer with who she trusts online.

EDIT: The router I have at home has logging capabilities. I don't need to read those logs now as my kids are under 4 years old. But you bet I'll be checking it out when they become old enough to surf the web. I won't use it as evidence against them but rather a guide to see what's going on in their life. If I find out that one of my boys is surfing for a lot of porn or questionable material then I'll sit him down and talk to him about the right's and wrongs about sex and the sort.

[Hassan Darkside]

Re: Concerned Father question

You'll have to give her the e-birds and e-bees talk. I feel for you.

[choadler]

Re: Concerned Father question

But, the bottom line is... I'm almost 34 years old... it wasn't THAT many years ago that I was 13-14. I didn't have MySpace... I had drinking... smoking... pot... sex.... things that I was going to find a way to do regardless of what my parents said. Is that OK? Is that good? Did my parents WANT me doing that? Of course not. But, if they forbode me to do it, would I have done it anyway? Yep. Would I have found sneakier and move unsavory ways to do it? Yep.

Well, I think that is a crappy outlook on things. Because you chose to be deviant and do those things doesn't mean that a parent shouldn't forbid kids to do something. If people have high expectations for their children, there may be occassions where the child will surprise them, then again maybe not. But I would certainly error on the side of high expectations rather than oh well they are going to do it anyways. Sure I did things I knew I wasn't suppossed to, but my parents continually setting ground rules of what is exceptable and what isn't certainly made me think about it a little more than if it is an oh well, they will figure out a way to do it.

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, my brother got in trouble regardless of what my parents said or did, some people are like that. My biggest fear when I was growing up more than anything was disappointing my parents.

I am a general manager of a company and the same principles apply. It is amazing what some people can accomplish if you set your expectations a little higher for them.

[Shaver]

Re: Concerned Father question

Well, I think that is a crappy outlook on things. Because you chose to be deviant and do those things doesn't mean that a parent shouldn't forbid kids to do something. If people have high expectations for their children, there may be occassions where the child will surprise them, then again maybe not. But I would certainly error on the side of high expectations rather than oh well they are going to do it anyways. Sure I did things I knew I wasn't suppossed to, but my parents continually setting ground rules of what is exceptable and what isn't certainly made me think about it a little more than if it is an oh well, they will figure out a way to do it.

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, my brother got in trouble regardless of what my parents said or did, some people are like that. My biggest fear when I was growing up more than anything was disappointing my parents.

I am a general manager of a company and the same principles apply. It is amazing what some people can accomplish if you set your expectations a little higher for them.

When you're done patting yourself on the back, you should reread your post and highlight all the point where you contradict yourself while labeling others based on little to no information. Convenient and illogical.

[choadler]

Re: Concerned Father question

When you're done patting yourself on the back, you should reread your post and highlight all the point where you contradict yourself while labeling others based on little to no information. Convenient and illogical.

LOL! Hardly patting my self on the back. All I am indicating is that to give up because someone is going to do something anyways is a poor outlook. Sometimes people behave the way the behave not matter what you do. But if you read my post, I said I would rather error on the side of caution and have high expectations and set groundrules.

I apologize if I offended you.

[Sancheezy]

Re: Concerned Father question

i didnt ask for advice for everyone to start yelling at one another. Let's keep it peaceful.

[utexas]

Re: Concerned Father question

I would like to peacefully chime in here. I see both sides of the discussion. In my opinion having a 16 year old teen age girl(my wife and I are her legal guardians) and 2 small children (8, and 3), every child is different and the way you deal with them has to be adaptable for that child. You have to know that child and be honest with yourself about them. MySpace isn't the great evil, but I agree alot of the content is repulsive, especially for children. IMO, a 13 year old in most cases isn't ready for the level of trust that you woild extend to a 16 or 18 year old, because they don't think bad stuff will happen to them based on giving out personal information or portraying a false image of themselves (i.e. being older).
Our kids are going to sneak and try to get away with things that we deem inappropriate, thats called being a child. Its our job as parents to understand that each child has to handled individually. I bet if you talk to her first about the dangers of being to open on the web and show her examples ofkids her age that have been harmed it will help. I also believe that you should set boundaries that make sense for your household and your rules. At the end of the day, she is your responsibilty to love and raise in the right direction.

[jmood88]

Re: Concerned Father question

But, the bottom line is... I'm almost 34 years old... it wasn't THAT many years ago that I was 13-14. I didn't have MySpace... I had drinking... smoking... pot... sex.... things that I was going to find a way to do regardless of what my parents said. Is that OK? Is that good? Did my parents WANT me doing that? Of course not. But, if they forbode me to do it, would I have done it anyway? Yep. Would I have found sneakier and move unsavory ways to do it? Yep.

Well, I think that is a crappy outlook on things. Because you chose to be deviant and do those things doesn't mean that a parent shouldn't forbid kids to do something. If people have high expectations for their children, there may be occassions where the child will surprise them, then again maybe not. But I would certainly error on the side of high expectations rather than oh well they are going to do it anyways. Sure I did things I knew I wasn't suppossed to, but my parents continually setting ground rules of what is exceptable and what isn't certainly made me think about it a little more than if it is an oh well, they will figure out a way to do it.

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, my brother got in trouble regardless of what my parents said or did, some people are like that. My biggest fear when I was growing up more than anything was disappointing my parents.

I am a general manager of a company and the same principles apply. It is amazing what some people can accomplish if you set your expectations a little higher for them.

Forbidding a kid to do something will do absolutely nothing but make them sneakier and have them doing things away from your house. There's nothing wrong with rules but if you think that saying that they can't do anything without your permission and they're actually going to follow that then you're in for a big surprise.

[JohnnytheSkin]

Re: Concerned Father question

Well as a father of a mere three year old, here's what I would advise (looking at my parents, of an 18 year old girl, do as well).

If monitoring 24-7 is too much (and it is), just create some random profile and view your son/daughter's profile accordingly. If they set the profile to "private" you are stuck viewing the internet history...otherwise you'll see what your child is posting, what pics, blogs, etc...not a bad deal.

You can also "click" the responses by the "friends" of your child to see what they are posting on other persons profiles.

Good luck!

[JohnnytheSkin]

Re: Concerned Father question

Forbidding a kid to do something will do absolutely nothing but make them sneakier and have them doing things away from your house. There's nothing wrong with rules but if you think that saying that they can't do anything without your permission and they're actually going to follow that then you're in for a big surprise.

Says the 18-year old child...seriously, it seems that the majority of "negative" responses to the topic creator are teenage kids trying to create doubt in the topic creator's mind. You cats may be fooling your respective 'rents, but give the guy some credit for being concerned.

No high horse...just an observation!

[jmood88]

Re: Concerned Father question

Says the 18-year old child...seriously, it seems that the majority of "negative" responses to the topic creator are teenage kids trying to create doubt in the topic creator's mind. Yo u cats may be fooling your respective 'rents, but give the guy some credit for being concerned.

No high horse...just an observation!

I'm not trying to create any doubt but I know what goes on since I know people who's parents try to lock everything down. It does no good and maybe you should listen to the "children" since people obviously don't know what their kids do when they're not around. And just so you know, looking at the internet history doesn't do anything, it's pretty easy to go in there and delete whatever sites you went to. Again, keeping things off-limits will just make the kids sneakier in what they do.

[RockinDaMike]

Re: Concerned Father question

On myspace, make sure she puts her stuff on PRIVATE so no one besides her friends list can see her account. If you have to, even go through her friends list and ask who each indvidual is. My neice has one and we make sure she doesn't have anyone on her list she doesn't really know in person.

There are a ton of myspace horror stories, maybe she should hear about them and the dangers of plasting her info on the internet. She should never put what school she goes to also.

So what i'm saying here is not ban her from myspace, but make sure her myspace is protected. I'm part of my neices friends list, i don't snoop but i go on and post commments on her account all the time, i'm sure if i see something inappropriate i'm going to say something.

[Knight165]

Re: Concerned Father question

Do you guys who think "laying ground rules" is going to actually be better than forbidding it?
Or those who say forbidding it is better than ground rules?

You go on to say that with forbidding certain behaviour..."they are going to find another, sneakier way to do these things". So what is to stop them from obeying your "ground rules" while at home and then "sneaking away" to find a way to do the more....inappropriate things(for lack of a better term) at other times?

I guess I have to qualify myself and according to Clay's logic...I'm "more" qualified than the rest of you...because my boys are 33 and 34 now. I went through the whole teenage thing and with one of my boys..it was all I could do to keep my wife out of a mental hospital. I tried BOTH the "ground rules" and the "forbidding" methods....then I threw in a little "I'm going to beat the living crap out of you" method....my wife tried the "I love you ..you're my little boy" method....and you know what works....TIME and AGE. Guide your kids the best you can...let them know what's right and wrong...don't ever give up on that part...and one day......it's like a light finally goes on in that dim space that sits upon their neck and they realize..."Hey, maybe mom and dad were right....I don't need to be doing this...there are better things to do with my life...but it's going to come from them...with your guidance.
For my son ...it was stealing cars...HUNDREDS of them. I was a police officer, I found evidence of his acts right in my home(lists of cars/prices for parts etc) and confronted him...the road was long and hard and it eventually led to being in a "facility"(not jail thank God) and that's when he "saw the light"

Is there one hard and fast answer for you? Nope..I don't believe so.You have to stay on them...that's for sure.There are many factors involved...but I do wish you the best of luck...it's not going to be easy.

M.K.
Knight165