OS Dads I need your help

Collapse

Recommended Videos

Collapse
X
 
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
  • Happy29
    All Star
    • Jan 2006
    • 5497

    #1

    OS Dads I need your help

    My oldest son is my wifes from a previous relationship. When she found out she was pregnant he split and has never laid eyes on the boy. He was just 14 months when me and my wife met and needless to say 2 months later we was married. I wanted to adopt him as my own as I am all he's ever known as dad and I love him like he was my own. We had to go through the legal system to have this done and get documented papers from the father that he was okay with this and of course he was. So in the first year of our marriage I adopted him and gave him my last name. My problem is this in a month he will be 9 years old and I know the time is getting close that we tell him the truth rather than wait until he's older and find out some other way and get hurt. When do you guys think is the right time for this and how do I do it? I love this boy like he's my own flesh and blood and don't want to hurt him but I think it's fair he knows.

    If anyone has some advice please help.
    Last edited by Happy29; 03-19-2012, 11:06 PM.
    “Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
    Benjamin Franklin
  • 12
    Banned
    • Feb 2010
    • 4458

    #2
    Re: OS Dads I need your help

    This is a tough one.

    Man, I just don't know... I have a 2-year-old son and one on the way. I understand the love a father has for his son and I think it's awesome that you feel so strongly for him. He's lucky to have you.

    With that said, I can't help but thinking that 9 is a bit too young to comprehend this... I could be wrong, but I am not sure how much it will sink in. I would think when he's 11 or 12 could be a better time, but I am just guessing.

    You could just put it out there for him now, with as much truth as you can. I don't know how you could go about it, but you'll find a way.

    Wish I could offer more, but this is a tough one.

    Wishing you the best on this.

    Comment

    • Bullit
      Bacon is Better
      • Aug 2009
      • 5004

      #3
      Re: OS Dads I need your help

      Hey Happy,

      That is wonderful that you would step and take care of a child that is not bioligically yours. Even going the extra step and adopting him speaks a lot about your character.

      That being said I think nine might be a little to young for ths truth. I personally think you should wait a bit, maybe even until he reaches the teenage years. The fact that his biological father was ok with you adopting shows that he has nor ever will care for our son, so why hurry to tell him there is a man out there who doesnt care for and didnt want him. You are all he has known as a father and I personally see no need what so ever to change his knowledge of who his father is.

      If you have to tell hime for your own sake I really would wait until he was old enough and mature enough to handle the discussion. That is a lot of info and confusing thoughts for an adult not to mention a nine year old.

      Best of luck with this situation and if you need anything you know where to find me.

      Peace
      In Loving memory of my "Cricket" 1/2/96 - 11/19/2012

      My heart and soul hurt for your lost presence in my life.

      Comment

      • RoyalBoyle78
        Aka."Footballforever"
        • May 2003
        • 23918

        #4
        Re: OS Dads I need your help

        Originally posted by Happy29
        My oldest son is my wifes from a previous relationship. When she found out she was pregnant he split and has never laid eyes on the boy. He was just 14 months when me and my wife met and needless to say 2 months later we was married. I wanted to adopt him as my own as I am all he's ever known as dad and I love him like he was my own. We had to go through the legal system to have this done and get documented papers from the father that he was okay with this and of course he was. So in the first year of our marriage I adopted him and gave him my last name. My problem is this in a month he will be 9 years old and I know the time is getting close that we tell him the truth rather than wait until he's older and find out some other way and get hurt. When do you guys think is the right time for this and how do I do it? I love this boy like he's my own flesh and blood and don't want to hurt him but I think it's fair he knows.

        If anyone has some advice please help.
        honestly, I would never tell him, obviously he father is a piece of crap and never seem to care, bottom line he is your son, you have taken care of him for such a long time and he only knows you as his dad, I just wouldn't say anything. I also commended you for being such a great man!!!!
        N.Y Mets
        N.Y Giants
        N.Y Knicks
        N.Y Islanders
        Miami Hurricanes


        Twitter - @RoyalBoyle78
        XBOX LIVE - Royalboyle78
        PSN - RoyalBoyle78

        Comment

        • Happy29
          All Star
          • Jan 2006
          • 5497

          #5
          Thanks Bullit that's what I was thinking but really just needed some reaffirmation from someone, and heck you guys here have gotten to be like family to me. Thanks again for your input.


          Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
          “Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
          Benjamin Franklin

          Comment

          • DaveDQ
            13
            • Sep 2003
            • 7664

            #6
            Re: OS Dads I need your help

            I think it's admirable that you have taken on the responsibility of being a father to that boy. Our oldest son is 8 years old and just by seeing where he is at right now in his maturity, I don't think telling your boy at 9 would be a good idea.

            I don't know that there is a specific age, but you don't want to wait too long to where he says, "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" I was thinking maybe around 18 or when you really start to see his maturity level rise to where he can hear it and understand that you are wanting no more than to be honest and up front with him.

            I would say by then that he is a young adult and has gone through his childhood with you as his dad. What will be the foundation of your relationship is that you have been a loving father to him. Even if he responds in a surprising manner or rejects what you tell him, I think because you have guided him as your son, and loved him through his childhood, he will eventually let things sink in and appreciate you even more for your love and honesty.

            This is indeed a tough one but I really do respect you for taking that boy in and loving him.
            Being kind, one to another, never disappoints.

            Comment

            • HARTSTOPPER
              Play With Integrity
              • Aug 2008
              • 949

              #7
              I think it really depends on what type of relationship y'all have with his biological father. Obviously the lines of communication are there for you to get permission to adopt his son. If his biological father is a dead beat, maybe you dont tell him until he's an adult (18-19).

              However, if his father was just going through a rough time, and has turned his life around, maybe tell your son around 12-13. That way he can possibly still have a relationship with him. It might hurt your feelings, but it would be the right thing to do.

              sent from the clown in your closet

              Comment

              • trobinson97
                Lie,cheat,steal,kill: Win
                • Oct 2004
                • 16366

                #8
                Re: OS Dads I need your help

                Wow. I have kids but I have no idea how I'd handle something like this. If anything, I'd only have questions. Like, why do you have to tell him?

                Good luck to you man.
                PS: You guys are great.

                SteamID - Depotboy



                ...2009, 2011, 2012, 2015, 2017, 2020....
                What a run
                Roll Tide




                Comment

                • Happy29
                  All Star
                  • Jan 2006
                  • 5497

                  #9
                  Re: OS Dads I need your help

                  Originally posted by HARTSTOPPER
                  I think it really depends on what type of relationship y'all have with his biological father. Obviously the lines of communication are there for you to get permission to adopt his son. If his biological father is a dead beat, maybe you dont tell him until he's an adult (18-19).

                  However, if his father was just going through a rough time, and has turned his life around, maybe tell your son around 12-13. That way he can possibly still have a relationship with him. It might hurt your feelings, but it would be the right thing to do.

                  sent from the clown in your closet
                  Yeah there are no lines of communication with the biological father, he skipped town when he found out she was pregnant and she had to do a lot of research to find him to have the papers signed, and after that he didn't say anything and we have no idea where he is now.

                  I'm along the lines with most of you that 9 is to young I was hoping to wait until 13 or 14, but I don't know if I can because everytime he goes to my wifes parents they show him baby pictures and tell him he used to live there with them and he ask questions like why didn't daddy live with us. So far we just tell him I wasn't able to live with them at the time. Her parents don't really like me that much or the fact that I adopted him so I feel as if they are trying to drive a wedge in between us any chance they get, which is why we don't let them go over there much.

                  I will have to tell him one day because there will be questions he will ask that I wont have the answers for, and only his biological dad will. Plus as he becomes an adult he would need to know as much of his medical history as possible. So that's one reason I feel he should know is for his health, he should know if any of his family has a history of heart disease, stroke, whatever else, for his own well being.

                  This is just one of those tough things you are faced with in life, no matter what when we do tell him I hope he will know that no matter what I love him and he will always be my son and he can depend on me.
                  Last edited by Happy29; 03-20-2012, 08:45 AM.
                  “Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
                  Benjamin Franklin

                  Comment

                  • Champion8877
                    MVP
                    • Apr 2011
                    • 1518

                    #10
                    Re: OS Dads I need your help

                    Well I'm still a senior in high school so I don't have much experience with kids. But I can weigh in on the age to tell him. I think more around 14-16 is a good age and he will handle it better. He is more likely to react better and understand the situation and why it happened when he is 15 rather than 9.

                    Comment

                    • C the Lyte
                      Left side, strong side
                      • May 2009
                      • 2253

                      #11
                      Re: OS Dads I need your help

                      Man, that is tough dude.

                      I don't think there is a correct age, but I do think 9 is too young. And that seems to be the overall thinking of every1 else on here, so you got that.

                      I'm sure you'll know the ryte time to tell him though.
                      EXPERIENCE MAYHEM FOOTBALL

                      Comment

                      • dce21b
                        Banned
                        • Dec 2008
                        • 67

                        #12
                        In the end its your call but here is my two cents.

                        My father's brother is a real winner and he had a child with a woman and they were only together a short time before she ended up divorcing him. I don't even think he got to see his kid and I didn't even know about it until recently ( I'm 31).

                        This kid would be a couple years older then me. The thing that bothers me is that I have a really small family infact my lil guy is the end of the line when it comes to carrying on the family name. I often wonder what this mystery guy is like. Would we like each other is he like me does he have kids etc.

                        I have debated on trying to find this guy but then there's also the possibility the he knows nothing about it and it could possibly rock his world.

                        I dunno basically my point is it sucks knowing I got family out there I don't even know. Which could be for the good or bad.

                        Sent from my pimped out Thunderbolt using Tapatalk.

                        Comment

                        • 1Rose
                          Banned
                          • Jun 2011
                          • 2562

                          #13
                          Re: OS Dads I need your help

                          Originally posted by dce21b
                          In the end its your call but here is my two cents.

                          My father's brother is a real winner and he had a child with a woman and they were only together a short time before she ended up divorcing him. I don't even think he got to see his kid and I didn't even know about it until recently ( I'm 31).

                          This kid would be a couple years older then me. The thing that bothers me is that I have a really small family infact my lil guy is the end of the line when it comes to carrying on the family name. I often wonder what this mystery guy is like. Would we like each other is he like me does he have kids etc.

                          I have debated on trying to find this guy but then there's also the possibility the he knows nothing about it and it could possibly rock his world.

                          I dunno basically my point is it sucks knowing I got family out there I don't even know. Which could be for the good or bad.

                          Sent from my pimped out Thunderbolt using Tapatalk.
                          Crazy that I'm in a similar situation.

                          It doesn't quite relate to the OP, but I'm the last of my name. My dad got crazy when he was younger and I have a brother that I've spoke to one time, and lost contact.

                          To the OP. It's a tough one to handle. I'll give you my POV, seeing I actually lived through a similar situation.

                          My father, basically for the majority of my life, to about a year, was a total piece of trash. Was never there for me, never visited, barely called. It was like I didn't exist to him. Then he started getting heavily into the church, and started to search for forgiveness with people that he had wronged, me being one of them. I commended him for that, and forgave him for the past.

                          When I was about 2, my mom left him, and started dating my step dad. Shortly there after, they got married, and he has been the best father I could ask for. He took me as his own and treated me like as such.

                          Looking back, the way my dad treated me and the situation, I honestly wish I would have been adopted and took his last name, because when I got older, then I had questions, and after finding out the answers, I obtained A LOT of anger and resentment towards my biological father, and some that I still can not get over, and probably never will. Two things that I wish I didn't have in my life, and I imagine when your son gets older, things he will feel as well. It's just natural.

                          I don't know the right answer, and there probably isn't one, you just have to decide what's best for your family. I hope I was some help.

                          Comment

                          • ScoobySnax
                            #faceuary2014
                            • Mar 2009
                            • 7624

                            #14
                            Re: OS Dads I need your help

                            I'd wait until he's around 13. That way he can fully comprehend what's going on. I wish you the best of luck in your delivery, I know it's going to be a tough talk.
                            Originally posted by J. Cole
                            Fool me one time that's shame on you. Fool me twice can't put the blame on you. Fool me three times, **** the peace sign, load the chopper let it rain on you.
                            PSN: xxplosive1984
                            Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/os_scoobysnax/profile

                            Comment

                            • Money99
                              Hall Of Fame
                              • Sep 2002
                              • 12696

                              #15
                              Re: OS Dads I need your help

                              Originally posted by Apostle
                              This is a tough one.

                              Man, I just don't know... I have a 2-year-old son and one on the way. I understand the love a father has for his son and I think it's awesome that you feel so strongly for him. He's lucky to have you.

                              With that said, I can't help but thinking that 9 is a bit too young to comprehend this... I could be wrong, but I am not sure how much it will sink in. I would think when he's 11 or 12 could be a better time, but I am just guessing.

                              You could just put it out there for him now, with as much truth as you can. I don't know how you could go about it, but you'll find a way.

                              Wish I could offer more, but this is a tough one.

                              Wishing you the best on this.
                              I'm in agreement with this statement.
                              First, kudo's for being a MAN and taking this boy in as your own and treating him like your flesh-and-blood.

                              But I'm wondering if 9 is too young. My oldest is turning 9 in May and while he's more naive than a lot of kids in his class, I feel it would be too early if I had to tell him something similar.

                              I'm no child psychologist (probably the right person to speak with), but I would think that your son will experience some form of separation anxiety.
                              He'll question why his biological dad* left and hasn't contacted him.

                              If I were in your shoes I'd talk to a professional first, but I think I'd wait a couple more years.
                              You're right that he deserves to know the truth, but I'm not sure he'd be able to comprehend it at this age.
                              There's a chance he might focus on the negatives instead of realizing how lucky he is to have someone like you in his life.
                              Good luck!

                              * I use that term loosely. I wanted to call him a sperm-bank, but that's too harsh considering he helped produce your son.
                              But this man is no way a father or dad to YOUR son. Any person who abandon's a child so selfishly is a piece of garbage who should never have the honor of being called a dad or father.

                              Comment

                              Working...